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David Duchovny’s Monologue


David Duchovny’s Monologue

…..David Duchovny
Interviewer V/O…..Kevin Nealon


David Duchovny: Thank you. Thank you. It’s great — it’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. As you can probably guess, they’ve been trying to get me to host the show for years. Like when my hit movie, “Julia Has Two Lovers”, came out.

[ woman in audience yells “Ow!” ]

Thank — thank — thank you. They kept calling, and I figured, “Sure.” I’ll do the big “Julia Has Two Lovers” sketch that everyone’s waiting for, and then what? So I figured, let me get one more hit under my belt, then I’ll do the show. Sure enough – boom! – the next year, I’m starring in “Venice, Venice.”

[ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]

Thank you. Thank you. Perfect. So I’m ready to do the show, we’re trying to set a date. And then, wouldn’t you know it – guess who gets a call to star in “The Rapture”.

[ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]

Thank you. Hardly a movie you want to turn down. But one thing led to another, I do a movie, “Denial”, and of course, “New Year’s Day”. And here I am. [ a beat ] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m also on “The X-Files”.

[ audience cheers wildly ]

But, that’s just to pay the rent until “New Year’s Day II” comes out.

Anyway, I’m from New York, I grew up here, went to school here. And, as a gift, the folks here put together a little tape of some of the people from my old neighborhood. I’m pretty excited, because I haven’t seen it, so, could you roll the tape?

[ dissolve to the filmed footage of people in Duchovny’s hometown ]

Elderly woman: David Duchovny? Never heard of him.

Eldermy Man: Duchovny? No. Doesn’t ring a bell.

Man: Dave Duchovny? No.

Interviewer V/O: You went to Collegiate High School with him.

Man: Yeah, I went to that school, but the name doesn’t ring a bell.

Interviewer V/O: Have you ever seen “The X-Files”?

Man: Yeah, I love that show.

Interviewer V/O: He’s on that show.

Man: [ shrugs ] Uh.. guess I must have missed him. Sorry.

Black Woman: You want to know about David Duchovny? Why? What’d he do? Shoot somebody? I knew he’d shoot somebody!

Blonde: Did I know David Duchovny? Yeah, I know him, I used to go out with him. And, David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here I think you should meet.

[ pulls a little boy forward ]

Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!

Old Woman: I just feel sorry for the person that he shot.

Gay Man: Yeah, I know David, I used to go out with him. David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here who’d like to meetcha’.

[ pulls a little boy forward ]

Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!

Alien Man: Of course, when we were in school, he never spoke to me, because he was one of the cool guys and I’m an alien. Then he gets this job on “The X-Files”, and suddenly it’s, like, “Hey, buddy, let’s hang out! Tell me what aliens are really like.” What a jerk!

[ dissolve back to Duchovny in Studio 8-H ]

David Duchovny: Oh, I miss those guys. They’re the best! Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rod Stewart is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts