Weekend Update 4/13/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story…tonight:

After a search of nearly 18 years, the man known as the Unabomber has apparently been caught. Theodore Kaczynski is described as a genius with degrees in mathematics from both Harvard and the University of Michigan. Well, now perhaps Americans can focus on our real enemy: fancy book learnin’!

Although only one of his victims was from California, Governor Pete Wilson is pushing to have the Unabomber suspect tried in Los Angeles. Also pushing to have the Unabomber tried in Los Angeles: the Unabomber. [cheers and applause]

It now appears that the 50 million-dollar lawsuit against subway gunman Bernie Goetz, brought by one of the men he shot, will be heard by an all-minority jury. Attorney for Goetz, Darnay Hoffman, says he has advised his client to carry himself humbly in court, make friendly eye contact with the all-minority jury, and start scraping together 50 million dollars.

Last week on “Larry King Live,” Marlon Brando made the shocking statement that Hollywood is, quote, “run by Jews.”…In response, outraged Jewish organizations made it snow in New York in April. [cheers and applause]

For years, Hillary Rodham Clinton has told people that she was named for the first man to climb Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary. But as Esquire magazine recently pointed out to her, Edmund did not climb Mount Everest until 1953, six years after Hillary was born. However, the First Lady does have a good explanation for the discrepancy: she loves to lie. [cheers and applause]

Rap star Hammer is suing the Los Angeles Police Department after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage. [some applause]

Last week, a jailbreak at the Adams County Prison in Pennsylvania ended with four inmates escaping in their underwear. Officials are surprised the escape worked, especially because during the break, the scantily-clad prisoners frequently stopped to rape each other.

In the new movie Mrs. Winterbourne, talk show host Ricki Lake plays the part of a young mother-to-be. According to the film producers, Miss Lake was so serious about achieving a realistic pregnant look. She forced herself to lose 30 pounds. [some cheers and applause]

As we enter an age where government is doing less and less, private charities will have to step up and fill the gap. Here with a commentary is the senior writer on “Saturday Night Live,” and a good friend of mine, Fred Wolf! Fred!

[pan over to Fred]

Fred Wolf: Thank you. Thank you….Thank you. Thank you, Norm. Well, living here in New York City, I’m often given the opportunity to help those that are less fortunate. The guys who want to wash my windshield for money, or the guys who simply want money for not smashing my windshield. When dealing with these people in person, I can often fight the temptation to dig deep and give. But God, the stuff you get in the mail asking for money is crazy. It’s getting so sophisticated, you – you can’t turn them down. So I send them money, and once you mail money to one, they all start asking. What a lot of these charities do is they strategically laser print your name throughout the letter to maximize the guilt factor. I got one from the American Lung Association, and the first para – paragraph actually read, “If you could stop someone from dying a slow, painful death, would you, Fred Wolf?” How much farther can they go with that tactic? You get a letter that says, “You don’t want little Bobby to die, do you?” They’ve got a picture of “little Bobby” in a wheelchair with his arms spread, and the caption reads, “Help me, Fred Wolf! Help me!”

But this American Lung letter was a typical one. My name was all over it, you know, and at the end, it says, “So please help us find a cure for this deadly disease by sending in your contribution for two dollars.” They asked for exactly two dollars. Which made me think, “Could it be possible that they’re actually that close to a cure?”…And if so, what are they telling patients in the hospital? “Well, Mr. Henderson, we’d love to be able to tell you that we have a cure for your disease and that you’ll live a long, full life, but we’re two bucks short….We’ve written Fred Wolf….Right now, it’s just a waiting game, buddy.”

So here’s a tip: sometimes I’m sitting around, thinking about all the world’s problems — the crime, misery, disease, racism — and I think, “Man, I should really get out there and do something about it,” but then I get really sleepy, I take a nap, and I’m okay. So, back to you, Norm.

Norm: Hey, Fred Wolf, everybody! Fred Wolf!

In, uh, Montel Williams’ new book, Mountain, Get Out of My Way, the talk show host shares insights on how to set and achieve goals in life. Publishers expect it to be a bestseller, outdoing even his first book: Hair, Get Off of My Head. [some cheers and applause]

A Nobel Prize-winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a 15-year-old boy. So the arrest really shouldn’t come as a big surprise; his Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

Finally, some good news. According to her doctor, legendary actress Katherine Hepburn is recovering nicely from her recent illness, and they have even upgraded her condition to decrepit. So that…that’s a…it’s a nice…[surprised by lack of negative reaction] that’s nice. What, you don’t like her? You don’t like Katherine Hepburn, for God’s sake?

And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 1/20/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

The nation is still reeling from Thursday’s bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match; she’s more of a, uh, stay-at-home type, and he’s more of a homosexual pedophile.

This week, in a speech honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Clinton said that if Dr. King were alive today, he would have supported the deployment of U.S. troops to Bosnia. Later, when asked how he could use the late civil rights leader’s name in such a self-serving manner, Clinton hopped a plane to England and lit up a big fat joint.

Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, in which he’ll focus on crime, education, and the economy. At the request of the First Lady, part of the President’s speech will be huge lies.

This week on NBC’s “Dateline,” three members of the Simpson jury explained their “not guilty” votes, and argued that if Simpson had killed his wife, there should have been blood stains all over his gate, front door, and light switches. Also this week, Simpson friend Al Cowlings released his video How to Get Blood Stains off Gates, Front Doors, and Light Switches. [cheers and applause]

And in Brentwood, O.J. himself was spotted manning a lemonade stand with his daughter Sydney. Asked by reporters why sales were so poor, O.J. replied, “Beats me.” And then he went back to cutting lemons with a giant knife.

Well, bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry. This week, the Food and Drug Administration banned their newest flavor: Ben’s Back Hair.

In an interview last week, Administrator of the FAA David R. Hinson explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird….Can’t even hardly understand most of ’em.

John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to “Roseanne” next year, so how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him. [some cheers and applause]

And now, folks, here with the local news is our own Joe Blow! Hey Joe!

[pan over to Joe]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. In local news, I’m barely treadin’ water. Kids across the street are playin’ with fire, and the guy around the corner is skatin’ on thin ice.

In foreign relations, Norm, the new family two doors down, they make noise all night, they play their music. They got 12 of them living here on one visitors visa. They’ve got the car in the living room and the couch on the lawn. They come down the block, they take up the whole sidewalk. I walk past them, they squeeze me out into the gutter. Norm, in your opinion, what is the action I should take, if any?

Norm: I – I – I – I don’t really feel qualified, Joe, I… [Joe nods]

Joe: In economic news, the job is still the job. Everybody gives you the silent treatment. Unless they’re tryin’ to sell you candy for the kids’ Catholic school. You have to buy at least two boxes, or else they call you a cheap bastard behind your back. I brought five boxes of Russell Strover’s from Rosario the checker. It didn’t help. Meanwhile, now his kid wins a new 10-speed, I’m still out on the loading dock with one glove. Nobody knows what happened to the other one, but of course, I have my suspects. Then you got Fat Anthony, drives the forklift, Norm. He swings the blades, he barely misses your shins. One time, all right, it’s a joke. Two or three times, I’m gonna take off my glove, eventually.

In domestic news, I had to get my son out of jail again. He wants to be a tough guy. I was the same way, in a gang, Norm. We all were, right? [he and Norm nod]…The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets.

In entertainment news, I went to see that movie, the one with the guy with the girl with the guy with the friend. I walked out, my wife doesn’t appreciate that kind of language. And I don’t like it, either. I mean, Norm, you seem to do pretty good, you don’t resort to profanity. Your sketch goes over big. Pretty big.

Norm: Oh, well – well – well thanks, Joe.

Joe: When are we gonna go for that beer, Norm?

Norm: What – what – what beer?

Joe: Do you remember the last time I was on here, we talked about goin’ for a beer? When would that, uh, transpire, do you think?

Norm: Oh, well, you know, I’d like to, Joe, you know. It’s just a matter of finding the time, so…

Joe: Norm, you gotta make the time for things that are important to you in life. I mean, uh, no offense, but uh, you don’t seem to budget your time very well….Let’s nail down a date.

Norm: [after a pause] April 11th?

Joe: April 11th. Done. April 11th it is, Norm.

Norm: Oh, okay. Joe Blow, ladies and gentlemen!

And now Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned 100 years old today. [cheers and applause]…You know, I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I – I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either. [cheers and applause]

Barbara Jordan, the first African-American woman in Congress, died this week at the age of 59. Remarkably, singer James Brown had nothing to do with it.

Eric Etheridge, editor of George magazine, has quit over policy differences with the publication’s editor-in-chief, John F. Kennedy, Jr. Translation: they’re both banging the same receptionist.

Finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, now he’s probably up in Heaven racking them up for a game with St. Peter. Or maybe he’s in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh and the agonies of the damned never cease. [more enthusiastically] Either way, he’ll be missed.

And that’s all for now, folks! That’s the way it is! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 9/30/95

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic] [opening music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you….Thank you….Tha-anks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and I’ll be there for you.

Well, the Trial of the Century is over. Late yesterday, the fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in United States history, was placed in the hands of the jurors. They must now decide whether to free him or get all their heads cut off.

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey hey, easy with that! That’s my lucky stabbin’ hat!”

In the course of his summation, Cochran also brought out Detective Mark Fuhrman, calling him a, quote, “genocidal racist,” and comparing him to Adolf Hitler. Fuhrman later responded, “After all the things he said about me during this trial, it’s a little late to start sucking up now.”

Meanwhile, Fuhrman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD, may get off lightly. Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have been reduced to, quote, “one count of using the word ‘darky.'”

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause] [photo of Anna Nicole Smith kissing J. Howard Marshall] Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbageman, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Nancy: I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm: Well, is that…that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy: No no, Norm, there’s one more item. I’m a new cast member. I just moved here all the way from Chicago. And this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….[cheers and applause] No, that’s – that’s not right. That’s not right.

Nancy: What are you gonna do?

Norm: Well – well, hey! Maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy: You really think so?

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Noo, noo…no, no. Nancy Walls, everybody!…Nancy Walls.

Remember 12 Angry Men, the classic courtroom drama? Well, the first film about the O.J. Simpson case is in the works. It’s entitled Nine Angry Black People, Two Scared Asians, and a White Guy Who Hasn’t Spoken Since Rosa Lopez.

In Carlsbad, Texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring 16 inmates. Doctors say it will be at least two weeks before the men are up and around and raping each other again.

America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number two: Ezra. [delayed applause] [photo of Elton John with a tennis racket in his mouth] Meanwhile, Elton John continues to deny rumors that he is engaged to his tennis racket.

Finally, folks, next week, Jews everywhere will be celebrating the holiday of Yom Kippur. Or as non-Jews refer to it: Wednesday.

And that’s all for now, folks. Good night!

[closing music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts] [fade to black]

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SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20




95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

[ audience screams and cheers ]

Norm MacDonald: Hi! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.

Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republiccan lawmakers said, “Shhhh!”

Arriving back in the U.S., after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn’t spent Mother’s Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, “Idiot! I didn’t spend Mother’s Day with my kids because I killed their mother!”

While in England, where he spoke at Oxford University, Simpson had defended actor Marlon Brando’s criticism of Hollywood Jews. Later, from his island hideaway, Brando sent O.J. a telegram, which read, “You’re not helping!”

According to this week’s Star Magazine, Unabomber suspect, Ted Kaczynski, is still a virgin at the age of 53. This isn’t too surpising, when you consider that Kaczynski’s best pick-up line was “My dirty woodshack or yours?”

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out agaisnt same-sex marriages. What’s more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

According to published reports, M-TV News anchor Tabitha Soren has been romantically linked to journalist Michael Lewis. Soren denies the reports, claiming she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend because she’s too busy pretending not to be stupid.

It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Tomorrow night on “60 Minutes”, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don’t do it, Andy, it’s a trap! It’s a trap!

[ show cover of Vanity Fair, with t-shirt-clad Tom Cruise stretching his arms in front of a huge, flaming fire, with the headline “Cruise on Fire” ]

In an interview in this month’s Vanity Fair, actor Tom Cruise attempts to end, once and for all, rumors that he is gay.

While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a bible. Most shocking of all: Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

This week, the FDA gave final approval to a device that prevents heart attacks by blasting the heart with a powerful jolt of electricity. If the device works properly, you will not have a heart attack. If it doesn’t work properly, you will have a giant heart attack.

Well, more O.J. Simpson news. On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President, adding, “I’d like to help him any way I can.” To which the President replied, “Well, there is one thing.”
[ cut to photo of Hillary Clinton ]

And, finally tonight, we at Weekend Update salute a fellow journalist on his retirement. John Tesh is leaving his job at “Entertainment Tonight”, in order to concentrate on making horrible, horrible music.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is! See you next year, folks, have a good summer!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18





95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Greg Norman…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.

On Thursday, Congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals to death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty, wooden shack.

Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

In other showbiz news, it is reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I dind this a bit hard to believe.. I mean, uh.. Madonna isn’t even married! It’s like.. cra-zy!

This week, a New Jersey woman – Rita Gluzman – was charged with hacking her husband to death with an axe, gutting the body into pieces, and having a cousin dump them in a river. According to police, Gluzman learned how to do this by watching the program “Martha Stewart Living”.

In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is “One ugly bastard.”

In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26-mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face.. [ Norm grimaces ] ..at a Boston Marathon.

And, in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined $10,000 for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me..”

Norm MacDonald: Last Sunday saw the conclusion of the most celebrated tournament in the world of golf. I’m referring, of course, to The Masters. Here to share with us his impressions, is the Great White Shark himself, Greg Norman. Greg!

Greg Norman: Hi! Hi there, Norm! Good evening, folks! Now.. as many of you might remember, last weekend I took a seemingly insurmountable 6-shot lead into the last day of play at the Masters. But.. on Sunday, I squandered that huge lead and lost the ‘tourney, along with hundreds of thousands of dollars in prize money to Nick Falder. Cheers! Folks, this isn’t the first time Greg “The Shark” Norman has squanderd a huge lead! In fact, I do it fairly regularly! and, consequently, it’s been pointed out to me that perhaps “The Shark” is not really an appropriate nickname. [ holds up a picture of a shark ] You see.. the shark is not only a merciless killer, it’s an eating machine whose swallowing reflexes tops in the animal kingdom. Whereas I, unlike the shark, am actually quite merciful to my opponents. And when I try to swallow, I bloody choke! [ laughs ]

So I’ve decided to create a new, more descriptive nickname for myself. At first, I thought I’d stick with the fish theme, and call myself.. “The Trout”. [ holds up a picture of a trout ] But.. I don’t think that adequately describes the depth of my impotence. Then.. I thought I might call myself.. “The Submissive Trout”. [ holds up another photo of a trout, this one with a cartoon balloon reading “Please don’t hurt me!” ] It’s pretty similar to the regular trout, but this little bugger is sayin’, “Please don’t hurt me!” [ laughs ] Ah, but you know, that didn’t seem catchy. Then I thought, maybe my nickname could be.. Greg “The Little Girl” Norman. [ holds up a picture of a little girl ] But women’s groups complained, and rightly so. So, I considered then.. “Pippi Longstockings”.. [ holds up a photo of Pippi Longstockings ] ..and “Mrs. Butterworth”. [ holds up a photo of Mrs. Butterworth ] But, to my surprise, they were taken. So then I thought, hey! Why not “The Crab”? [ holds up a photo of a crab ] You see? ‘Cause the crab is a little fearsome – like I am during the first part of the tournament. And if you’re in the ocean, and you see that you are about to step on a crab.. well, you’d think twice about it, if you didn’t want to get your toes pinched. Of course, ultimately, a crab doesn’t scare anyone! Just like me! [ laughs ]

So.. this is Greg “The Crab” Norman, saying “Watch your toes!” Back to you, Norm! [ bounces golf ball on the desk, but faces difficulty trying to snatch it back up ]

Norm MacDonald: Greg Norman, everybody! Thanks, Greg! Thank you, Greg Norman!

Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere’s new film “Primal Fear” was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, “Hey, uh.. do you think that gerbil story is true?”

Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme: I Don’t Deserve My Girlfriend.

In California, the State Justice Department has endorsed a plan to update the term for a prostitute’s customer, from the traditional “John”, to the new, more current-sounding term “Charlie Sheen”.

And, finally, this Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the Fourth Annual “Take Our Daughters To Work Day”. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it: “Thursday”.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night, see you later!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 11th, 1996

Christine Baranski

The Cure

None

Dennis Rodman

Ryn Shiraki

Wally Feresten

Hugh Fink

Steve Higgins

Paula Pell

Joe Dicso

Andy Murphy

Adam McKay
Dole/Rodman ’96Summary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) announces his selection of Dennis Rodman for his running mate.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Bob Dole, Christiane Amanpour, Bobbi Batista.

Montage

Christine Baranski’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Christine Baranski is made the victim of numerous Polish jokes.

A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right.

Note: Repeat from 09/30/95.

The Courtney Love ShowSummary: Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) interviews Marge Schott (Darrell Hammond) and Julie Andrews (Christine Baranski).

Recurring Characters: Courtney Love.

Transcript

Get Off The Shed IISummary: Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) yells at kids again.

Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson.

Transcript

20 Years and One WeekSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) reviews decades worth of celebrity interview clips.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Loni Anderson, Sean Penn, Tony Orlando, Richard Dreyfuss, Menachim Begin, Anwar Sadat, Burt Reynolds.

The Cure performs “Mint Car”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) tries to do “Weekend Update” as a gift for his and Norm’s mom. Dennis Rodman flamboyantly reviews his new book.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Nightclub SingerSummary: An off-key nightclub singer Sally Kings (Christine Baranski) receives audience sympathy because she’s terminally ill.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade’s biggest fans, Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney), spend the day with him.

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.

Rolf on Death RowSummary: Rolf (Colin Quinn) gossips with his fellow death row inmates.

Recurring Characters: Rolf.

Goat Boy Sings Popular Songs of the 80’sSummary: Lab experiment Goat Boy (Jim Breuer)sings popular 80’s hits.

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

New Personality TraitsSummary: Employee Brian Hughes (Jim Breuer) drastically changes his personality in order to win approval from his employers (Christine Baranski, Will Ferrell).

The Cure performs “Inbetween Days”

1-600-LANSINGSummary: Phone sex catered especially for residents of Lansing.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a haunted house.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: The Courtney Love Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19





95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

The Courtney Love Show

Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon
Marge Schott…..Darrell Hammond
Julie Andrews…..Christine Baranski

Announcer: It’s “The Courtney Love Show”, here she is, Courtney Love!

[ Courtney steps out from behind the curtains, but gets herself tangled up in them. A stagehand enters to assist her. ]

Courtney Love: [ shoves him away ] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [ stumbles to the main set ] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to “The Courtney Love Show”, I’m Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [ is handed a cigarette by the stagehand ] Alright.. come here! [ grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free ] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill Clinton. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [ clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top ] Okay, it’s time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [ leans back and lifts up leg ] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [ points to one area of her arm ] ..Alright, there’s ten, trust me, okay! Alright. My next guest.. is a woman who the press has been after, because she’s a woman who speaks her mind – like me. Please welcome Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott!

Marge Schott: [ enters set and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Hello, dear! Love that dress. You look so sexy! You look like one of those Puerto Rican street hookers!

Courtney Love: Oh, thanks, Marge! It’s so sweet of you to say that.. so sweet. So what, what happened?

Marge Schott: Well. All I said was that Adolph Hitler had some good ideas.

Courtney Love: You know what? Okay, that.. first of all.. that is the problem with thiscountry, okay? Because it’s like, a woman speaks her mind, people get all freaked out! ..You know? Did you say Hitler? Marge, you’re a fat Nazi bitch! Okay? Why do I feel like I want to make out with you? [ pounces onto Marge, as she uickly breaks free and runs away ] Whatever. Alright. Okay. My next guest.. is a woman.. [ falls asleep, then wakes up ] ..Okay, I’m back.. My next guest is the woman who told the Tony Awards where they can shove their Tony Awards. Please welcome Julie Andrews.

Julie Andrews: [ steps out and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Courtney it’s so exciting to meet you! I’ve followed your little band, Hole, since its inception!

Courtney Love: Ohh.. Mary Poppins! What is up?!

Julie Andrews: Well.. the Tony Awards snubbed my Broadway show, so I am snubbing them back by not accepting their nomination.

Courtney Love: Ohh, Julie.. I totally know what you mean.. because, people come up to me, and they’re like, “Courtney, you have such a good voice, but your band sucks.” And I’m like, “You know what? Eat me! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! [ flashes her panties ] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! What are you looking at?!

Julie Andrews: That is precisely how I feel! Courtney, I would be honored if you’d sing a song with me.

Courtney Love: Alright.. whatever..

Julie Andrews: I know.. [ stands ] Let’s do “Doe, A Deer”. [ sings ] “Doe, a deer, a female deer..”

Courtney Love: [ throws hands in the air ] “A female deer!

Julie Andrews: “Ray, a drop of golden sun..”

Courtney Love: “Sun!”

Julie Andrews: “Me, a name I call myself..”

Courtney Love: “Me!”

Julie Andrews: “Far, a long long way to run..”

Courtney Love: Wait, wait, wait, wait.. this sucks! This is totally making me, um.. a little bit dizzy..

Julie Andrews: Courtney, Courtney.. do you know “A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down.. in the most delightful waaaayy”?

Courtney Love: Yeah.. and Vodka helps it go down, also! Julie, I need to lay down, I feel tired.. I’m going to lay down, I’m so tired..

[ Courtney drops to the floor, as the stagehand tries to revive her. She slaps him off of her, as the show fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: Get Off The Shed II



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

Get Off The Shed II

Frank…..Will Ferrell
Shirley…..Christine Baranski

Frank: (Said Over Happy Birthday) Brandon, Michael, c’mon cake time, guys?

(Cheering)

Susan: Did you make a wish honey?

Johnny: Yeah

Susan: Good

Frank: I hope you wished for a high yield mutual fund. (Laughter)

Tom: You son of a gun Frank.

Susan: Alright, who wants cake?

Kids: me me me!

Tom: Frank, Susan, are Brandon and Michael coming?

Frank: Yeah, I called them I just don’t know where they went to.

Shirley: oh no wait, there they are on top of the tool shed honey.

Frank: Oh, hey Brandon, Michael, would you do me and mom a favor and get off that shed, c’mon guys I need you to be a buddy, get off the shed. What do you say, cake time, here we go c’mon.

Shirley: I’ll take a small piece and I mean small. Hey guys your dad wasn’t joking lets get off the shed.

Susan: Ya know Johnny did you thank Brandon and Michael’s parents for giving you the lion king video.

Johnny: Oh thank you

Frank: Oh you’re welcome son, I just hope you enjoy watching it as much as Brandon and Michael do. GET OFF THE SHED!!

Shirley: Ya know our boys must have watched that tape 500 times, we ended up having to buy a new tape.

Frank: True story

Shirley: GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!

Tom: Well, you know our kids just love Disney.

Susan: Oh yeah, every movie we buy is Disney. All: Yeah

Shirley: Pretty soon they’ll be running the government.

All: (Laughter)

Shirley: I WILL SHOVE YOU TWO BACK INTO MY WOMB IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THE SHED! You know, what a great day for a party.

Frank: Yeah Yeah

Shirley: I was talking to Jan Vixson just last Friday and she was telling me that (cut off)

Frank: I WILL DRIVE YOU OUT TO THE DESERT AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF AUGUST IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!!

Shirley: I telling a story. I’m telling a story

Frank: Sorry

Shirley: Anyway, she was just saying how hard it is to find good entertainment for a kid’s party. I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE PHILIPPIANS AND SELL YOUR KIDNEYS ON THE BLACK MARKET IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!

Johnny: Mommy, why are the man and the lady yelling?

Susan: I don’t know, just don’t go near the shed.

Frank: So hey birthday boy, how’s it feel to be nine?

Johnny: Scared.

Frank: That’s adorable. I WILL DOUSE YOU IN GASOLINE AND LIGHT YOU ON FIRE LIKE THAT BUDDHIST MONK IN VIETNAM IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT DAMN SHED!!

Shirley: IF YOU DON’T GET DOWN FROM THAT DAMN SHED I WILL LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO FRUIT AND WUSSY!

Frank: I WILL TAKE YOU INTO A DARK ALLEY AND FIGHT YOU IF YOU AREN’T DOWN IN TWO SECONDS!!!!

Shirley: HE WILL DO THAT AND I WILL VIDEOTAPE IT AND MAKE YOU WATCH IT EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! Together-GET OF THE SHED! GET OFF THAT SHED!

Frank: GET OFF! Michael: Dad, we’re right here.

Brandon: We were inside playing Nintendo the whole time.

Frank: Oh. Sorry kids, I don’t have my contacts in. Hey, let’s have some cake eh?

Submitted by: Andrew

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>








Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 18th, 1996

Jim Carrey

Soundgarden

None

Adam McKay

John G. Connolly

Joe Dicso
NightlineSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) desperately tries to change his image in order to one-up President Clinton in the Fall election.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bob Dole, President Bill Clinton.

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Montage

Jim Carrey’s MonologueSummary: Posing as a spaceman with unusual personality quirks, Jim Carrey must revert to his movie catch phrases to win the approval of a lone audience member (Adam McKay) who can’t comprehend the satire.

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SpartansSummary: Foreign exchange student, Lochmiel (Jim Carrey), joins Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna’s (Cheri Oteri) cheer squad.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

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Roxbury GuysSummary: A new club hopper (Jim Carrey) joins Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) in a wild night crashing a club, a wedding, and a retirement home.

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

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Overprotective LifeguardSummary: An overprotective lifeguard (Jim Carrey) keeps an extremely close eye on a man in a jacuzzi (Will Ferrell).

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Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Maybe it’s because the writers wanted to use Jim Carrey in as much of the show as possible, but Norm MacDonald performs an abbreviated Weekend Update with no guest commentaries.

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Soundgarden performs “Pretty Noose”

I’ll See You In Hell!Summary: Joe Pilson’s (Jim Carrey) nonstop use of the phrase “I’ll see you in Hell!’ at the office nullifies its impact.

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Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade pokes fun at the new cast, then looks back on his favorite moments from the “Hollywood Minute.”

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The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Jimmy Stewart (Jim Carrey) doesn’t approve of Jim Carrey’s (Mark McKinney) impression of him, nor Joe Pesci’s (Jim Breuer) violent behavior.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Jimmy Stewart, Jim Carrey.

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Soundgarden performs “Burden In My Hand”

Jimmy Tango’s Fat BustersSummary: Jimmy Tango (Jim Carrey) shows how to burn pounds with heat beads and crystal meth.

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GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts