Weekend Update 4/13/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story…tonight:

After a search of nearly 18 years, the man known as the Unabomber has apparently been caught. Theodore Kaczynski is described as a genius with degrees in mathematics from both Harvard and the University of Michigan. Well, now perhaps Americans can focus on our real enemy: fancy book learnin’!

Although only one of his victims was from California, Governor Pete Wilson is pushing to have the Unabomber suspect tried in Los Angeles. Also pushing to have the Unabomber tried in Los Angeles: the Unabomber. [cheers and applause]

It now appears that the 50 million-dollar lawsuit against subway gunman Bernie Goetz, brought by one of the men he shot, will be heard by an all-minority jury. Attorney for Goetz, Darnay Hoffman, says he has advised his client to carry himself humbly in court, make friendly eye contact with the all-minority jury, and start scraping together 50 million dollars.

Last week on “Larry King Live,” Marlon Brando made the shocking statement that Hollywood is, quote, “run by Jews.”…In response, outraged Jewish organizations made it snow in New York in April. [cheers and applause]

For years, Hillary Rodham Clinton has told people that she was named for the first man to climb Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary. But as Esquire magazine recently pointed out to her, Edmund did not climb Mount Everest until 1953, six years after Hillary was born. However, the First Lady does have a good explanation for the discrepancy: she loves to lie. [cheers and applause]

Rap star Hammer is suing the Los Angeles Police Department after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage. [some applause]

Last week, a jailbreak at the Adams County Prison in Pennsylvania ended with four inmates escaping in their underwear. Officials are surprised the escape worked, especially because during the break, the scantily-clad prisoners frequently stopped to rape each other.

In the new movie Mrs. Winterbourne, talk show host Ricki Lake plays the part of a young mother-to-be. According to the film producers, Miss Lake was so serious about achieving a realistic pregnant look. She forced herself to lose 30 pounds. [some cheers and applause]

As we enter an age where government is doing less and less, private charities will have to step up and fill the gap. Here with a commentary is the senior writer on “Saturday Night Live,” and a good friend of mine, Fred Wolf! Fred!

[pan over to Fred]

Fred Wolf: Thank you. Thank you….Thank you. Thank you, Norm. Well, living here in New York City, I’m often given the opportunity to help those that are less fortunate. The guys who want to wash my windshield for money, or the guys who simply want money for not smashing my windshield. When dealing with these people in person, I can often fight the temptation to dig deep and give. But God, the stuff you get in the mail asking for money is crazy. It’s getting so sophisticated, you – you can’t turn them down. So I send them money, and once you mail money to one, they all start asking. What a lot of these charities do is they strategically laser print your name throughout the letter to maximize the guilt factor. I got one from the American Lung Association, and the first para – paragraph actually read, “If you could stop someone from dying a slow, painful death, would you, Fred Wolf?” How much farther can they go with that tactic? You get a letter that says, “You don’t want little Bobby to die, do you?” They’ve got a picture of “little Bobby” in a wheelchair with his arms spread, and the caption reads, “Help me, Fred Wolf! Help me!”

But this American Lung letter was a typical one. My name was all over it, you know, and at the end, it says, “So please help us find a cure for this deadly disease by sending in your contribution for two dollars.” They asked for exactly two dollars. Which made me think, “Could it be possible that they’re actually that close to a cure?”…And if so, what are they telling patients in the hospital? “Well, Mr. Henderson, we’d love to be able to tell you that we have a cure for your disease and that you’ll live a long, full life, but we’re two bucks short….We’ve written Fred Wolf….Right now, it’s just a waiting game, buddy.”

So here’s a tip: sometimes I’m sitting around, thinking about all the world’s problems — the crime, misery, disease, racism — and I think, “Man, I should really get out there and do something about it,” but then I get really sleepy, I take a nap, and I’m okay. So, back to you, Norm.

Norm: Hey, Fred Wolf, everybody! Fred Wolf!

In, uh, Montel Williams’ new book, Mountain, Get Out of My Way, the talk show host shares insights on how to set and achieve goals in life. Publishers expect it to be a bestseller, outdoing even his first book: Hair, Get Off of My Head. [some cheers and applause]

A Nobel Prize-winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a 15-year-old boy. So the arrest really shouldn’t come as a big surprise; his Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

Finally, some good news. According to her doctor, legendary actress Katherine Hepburn is recovering nicely from her recent illness, and they have even upgraded her condition to decrepit. So that…that’s a…it’s a nice…[surprised by lack of negative reaction] that’s nice. What, you don’t like her? You don’t like Katherine Hepburn, for God’s sake?

And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 1/20/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

The nation is still reeling from Thursday’s bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match; she’s more of a, uh, stay-at-home type, and he’s more of a homosexual pedophile.

This week, in a speech honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Clinton said that if Dr. King were alive today, he would have supported the deployment of U.S. troops to Bosnia. Later, when asked how he could use the late civil rights leader’s name in such a self-serving manner, Clinton hopped a plane to England and lit up a big fat joint.

Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, in which he’ll focus on crime, education, and the economy. At the request of the First Lady, part of the President’s speech will be huge lies.

This week on NBC’s “Dateline,” three members of the Simpson jury explained their “not guilty” votes, and argued that if Simpson had killed his wife, there should have been blood stains all over his gate, front door, and light switches. Also this week, Simpson friend Al Cowlings released his video How to Get Blood Stains off Gates, Front Doors, and Light Switches. [cheers and applause]

And in Brentwood, O.J. himself was spotted manning a lemonade stand with his daughter Sydney. Asked by reporters why sales were so poor, O.J. replied, “Beats me.” And then he went back to cutting lemons with a giant knife.

Well, bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry. This week, the Food and Drug Administration banned their newest flavor: Ben’s Back Hair.

In an interview last week, Administrator of the FAA David R. Hinson explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird….Can’t even hardly understand most of ’em.

John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to “Roseanne” next year, so how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him. [some cheers and applause]

And now, folks, here with the local news is our own Joe Blow! Hey Joe!

[pan over to Joe]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. In local news, I’m barely treadin’ water. Kids across the street are playin’ with fire, and the guy around the corner is skatin’ on thin ice.

In foreign relations, Norm, the new family two doors down, they make noise all night, they play their music. They got 12 of them living here on one visitors visa. They’ve got the car in the living room and the couch on the lawn. They come down the block, they take up the whole sidewalk. I walk past them, they squeeze me out into the gutter. Norm, in your opinion, what is the action I should take, if any?

Norm: I – I – I – I don’t really feel qualified, Joe, I… [Joe nods]

Joe: In economic news, the job is still the job. Everybody gives you the silent treatment. Unless they’re tryin’ to sell you candy for the kids’ Catholic school. You have to buy at least two boxes, or else they call you a cheap bastard behind your back. I brought five boxes of Russell Strover’s from Rosario the checker. It didn’t help. Meanwhile, now his kid wins a new 10-speed, I’m still out on the loading dock with one glove. Nobody knows what happened to the other one, but of course, I have my suspects. Then you got Fat Anthony, drives the forklift, Norm. He swings the blades, he barely misses your shins. One time, all right, it’s a joke. Two or three times, I’m gonna take off my glove, eventually.

In domestic news, I had to get my son out of jail again. He wants to be a tough guy. I was the same way, in a gang, Norm. We all were, right? [he and Norm nod]…The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets.

In entertainment news, I went to see that movie, the one with the guy with the girl with the guy with the friend. I walked out, my wife doesn’t appreciate that kind of language. And I don’t like it, either. I mean, Norm, you seem to do pretty good, you don’t resort to profanity. Your sketch goes over big. Pretty big.

Norm: Oh, well – well – well thanks, Joe.

Joe: When are we gonna go for that beer, Norm?

Norm: What – what – what beer?

Joe: Do you remember the last time I was on here, we talked about goin’ for a beer? When would that, uh, transpire, do you think?

Norm: Oh, well, you know, I’d like to, Joe, you know. It’s just a matter of finding the time, so…

Joe: Norm, you gotta make the time for things that are important to you in life. I mean, uh, no offense, but uh, you don’t seem to budget your time very well….Let’s nail down a date.

Norm: [after a pause] April 11th?

Joe: April 11th. Done. April 11th it is, Norm.

Norm: Oh, okay. Joe Blow, ladies and gentlemen!

And now Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned 100 years old today. [cheers and applause]…You know, I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I – I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either. [cheers and applause]

Barbara Jordan, the first African-American woman in Congress, died this week at the age of 59. Remarkably, singer James Brown had nothing to do with it.

Eric Etheridge, editor of George magazine, has quit over policy differences with the publication’s editor-in-chief, John F. Kennedy, Jr. Translation: they’re both banging the same receptionist.

Finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, now he’s probably up in Heaven racking them up for a game with St. Peter. Or maybe he’s in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh and the agonies of the damned never cease. [more enthusiastically] Either way, he’ll be missed.

And that’s all for now, folks! That’s the way it is! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 9/30/95

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic] [opening music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you….Thank you….Tha-anks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and I’ll be there for you.

Well, the Trial of the Century is over. Late yesterday, the fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in United States history, was placed in the hands of the jurors. They must now decide whether to free him or get all their heads cut off.

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey hey, easy with that! That’s my lucky stabbin’ hat!”

In the course of his summation, Cochran also brought out Detective Mark Fuhrman, calling him a, quote, “genocidal racist,” and comparing him to Adolf Hitler. Fuhrman later responded, “After all the things he said about me during this trial, it’s a little late to start sucking up now.”

Meanwhile, Fuhrman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD, may get off lightly. Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have been reduced to, quote, “one count of using the word ‘darky.'”

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause] [photo of Anna Nicole Smith kissing J. Howard Marshall] Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbageman, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Nancy: I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm: Well, is that…that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy: No no, Norm, there’s one more item. I’m a new cast member. I just moved here all the way from Chicago. And this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….[cheers and applause] No, that’s – that’s not right. That’s not right.

Nancy: What are you gonna do?

Norm: Well – well, hey! Maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy: You really think so?

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Noo, noo…no, no. Nancy Walls, everybody!…Nancy Walls.

Remember 12 Angry Men, the classic courtroom drama? Well, the first film about the O.J. Simpson case is in the works. It’s entitled Nine Angry Black People, Two Scared Asians, and a White Guy Who Hasn’t Spoken Since Rosa Lopez.

In Carlsbad, Texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring 16 inmates. Doctors say it will be at least two weeks before the men are up and around and raping each other again.

America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number two: Ezra. [delayed applause] [photo of Elton John with a tennis racket in his mouth] Meanwhile, Elton John continues to deny rumors that he is engaged to his tennis racket.

Finally, folks, next week, Jews everywhere will be celebrating the holiday of Yom Kippur. Or as non-Jews refer to it: Wednesday.

And that’s all for now, folks. Good night!

[closing music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts] [fade to black]

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20




95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

[ audience screams and cheers ]

Norm MacDonald: Hi! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.

Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republiccan lawmakers said, “Shhhh!”

Arriving back in the U.S., after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn’t spent Mother’s Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, “Idiot! I didn’t spend Mother’s Day with my kids because I killed their mother!”

While in England, where he spoke at Oxford University, Simpson had defended actor Marlon Brando’s criticism of Hollywood Jews. Later, from his island hideaway, Brando sent O.J. a telegram, which read, “You’re not helping!”

According to this week’s Star Magazine, Unabomber suspect, Ted Kaczynski, is still a virgin at the age of 53. This isn’t too surpising, when you consider that Kaczynski’s best pick-up line was “My dirty woodshack or yours?”

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out agaisnt same-sex marriages. What’s more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

According to published reports, M-TV News anchor Tabitha Soren has been romantically linked to journalist Michael Lewis. Soren denies the reports, claiming she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend because she’s too busy pretending not to be stupid.

It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Tomorrow night on “60 Minutes”, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don’t do it, Andy, it’s a trap! It’s a trap!

[ show cover of Vanity Fair, with t-shirt-clad Tom Cruise stretching his arms in front of a huge, flaming fire, with the headline “Cruise on Fire” ]

In an interview in this month’s Vanity Fair, actor Tom Cruise attempts to end, once and for all, rumors that he is gay.

While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a bible. Most shocking of all: Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

This week, the FDA gave final approval to a device that prevents heart attacks by blasting the heart with a powerful jolt of electricity. If the device works properly, you will not have a heart attack. If it doesn’t work properly, you will have a giant heart attack.

Well, more O.J. Simpson news. On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President, adding, “I’d like to help him any way I can.” To which the President replied, “Well, there is one thing.”
[ cut to photo of Hillary Clinton ]

And, finally tonight, we at Weekend Update salute a fellow journalist on his retirement. John Tesh is leaving his job at “Entertainment Tonight”, in order to concentrate on making horrible, horrible music.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is! See you next year, folks, have a good summer!

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: The Joe Pesci Show



Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 21: Episode 20











95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Jimmy Stewart…..Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[ CUT TO: Joe Pesci on his talk show set. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey! Hey, everyone, welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show.” I’m Joe Pesci! Huh? Nice, huh? Got my desk here, got my mike here, got my ice pick here – I got everything! Okay, this “Joe Pesci Show” is special, because tomorrow marks the 88th birthday of one of the greatest actors of all-time and he was my boyhood idol. And he’s here tonight! Please welcome, the legendary Jimmy Stewart!

[ Jimmy Stewart waddles out and sits on the couch. ]

Joe Pesci: Have a seat, have a seat… Mr. Stewart, welcome to my show.

Jimmy Stewart: Nice to see you, Johnny!

[ Joe gives the hand signal for senility to the audience. ]

Joe Pesci: Now Jimmy, you may be 88, but as they say, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Huh?

Jimmy Stewart: Well, then I probably died six years ago.

[ Stewart pulls out a piece of paper from his inner coat pocket. ]

Joe Pesci: This guy over here… You know, Jimmy, when I was a kid, you were my boyhood idol. And I always dreamt that one day —

Jimmy Stewart: I have a poem!!

Joe Pesci: And I had a story! But since I’m going to be around here next week, well you go ahead…

[ Joe starts puffing on a cigar. ]

Joe Pesci: C’mon… go ahead…

[ Stewart scans over the paper. ]

Jimmy Stewart: “Little Trout” by Jim Stewart —
‘I woke one day for a taste for trout.
So I got into my boat and headed out.’

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! That was a great poem, Jimmy! My next guest is —

Jimmy Stewart:
‘He spotted my bait and began to give chase.
When my hook went and ripped into his fishy face.
Then he looked at me like I was his friend.
So I let him go and went out for a good piece of steak.’

Joe Pesci: Hey! That was a great and beautiful story. You know what though? That reminds me of this story of when I was stabbing this guy’s head in Sheepshead Bay, you know? And I was sitting there and he was looking at me with that one good eye, you know? And I got to tell you – I was touched. I killed him anyway! Let’s bring on our next guest. A real funny guy. Here he is — Jim Carrey! He’s here!

[ Jim Carrey mugs it up as he walks in and seats himself next to Jimmy Stewart. ]

Jim Carrey: Good to see you, Joe! How are you, Mr. Stewart? Still breathing? Are you!?

[ Carrey chuckles madly. ]

Joe Pesci: Look at this guy over here…

Jimmy Stewart: Who is this clown?

Jim Carrey: Say there! Let me introduce myself…

[ Carrey hops on the couch, turns his backside to Stewart’s face, and starts playing with his ass cheeks. ]

Jim Carrey: ‘Hi there! I’m Jim Carrey! Pleased to meet ya!’

[ Carrey sits down. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Smoke a lot of dope, son? That’s a rhetorical question!

Jim Carrey: Re-eeaa-hea-lly?

[ Stewart leans into Joe’s ear. ]

Jimmy Stewart: This fellow mugs so much, you should put a handle on the side of his head.

Joe Pesci: Now Jim, I understand you do a great impression of Jimmy Stewart. Why don’t you do it? I love it. I saw you do it.

Jim Carrey: Well… I’d rather talk about my movie “The Cable Guy” opening June 14th, but here it goes [mimics Stewart’s voice] I’m Jimmy Stewart. I’m incredibly old!

Jimmy Stewart: Completely untalented! Let me show you how it’s done, son.

[ Stewart slowly rises up. ]

Joe Pesci: Take your time.

Jimmy Stewart: Here’s an impression for you…

[ Stewart his back to the camera then faces it. ]

Jimmy Stewart: I’m Jim Carrey. I’ll do anything for a laugh! I’ll do anything for attention 24 hours a day! LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!!

[ Stewart sits down. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Look over here! This guy knows what he’s doing.

Jim Carrey: Nice try, old timer! But I don’t think so.

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Wait a second, here! Mr. Jimmy Stewart’s impression is not good enough for Jim Carrey? Huh?

Jim Carrey: Nope.

Joe Pesci: Oh… Well, I think I got an impression you just might like, Mr. Carrey.

[ Joe gets out of his chair and goes behind the couch. ]

Joe Pesci: It goes a little something like this… ‘Riddle me this, riddle me that, say hello to my big, fat bat!’

[ Joe pulls out a baseball bat and clocks Carrey over the head. Carrey exits the set. ]

Joe Pesci: Now the kid’s ready to do “Numb and Number”!

Jimmy Stewart: I have never agreed with gratuitous violence.

Joe Pesci: Yeah! Me neither!

[ Joe clocks Stewart over the head. Stewart falls to the floor. ]

Joe Pesci: What am I!? Some violent canoli sucking criminal to you!

[ Joe walks over to Stewart’s body. ]

Joe Pesci: You’re an American icon and I’m some ethnic moron!

[ Stewart arises from the floor. ]

Joe Pesci: Is that what’s going on?

Jimmy Stewart: That about sums it up! You midget mobster greaseball!!

Joe Pesci: Oh really? Well, it’s been a wonderful life, Jimmy. Unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye!

[ Joe swings the bat at Stewart, who blocks the swing and manages to snag the bat. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey… what are you doing?

Jimmy Stewart: This is a nice baseball bat. I wonder what it would look like — buried in your ass.

Joe Pesci: You think so?

Jimmy Stewart: HEY HARVEY! GET HIM!

Joe Pesci: Who’s Harvey?

[ Joe turns around to see “Harvey”. Stewart slugs the bat at him over and over. Joe screams in pain. ]

Jimmy Stewart: I kind of like this feeling… Makes me feel young again…

[ Joe gets up. ]

Joe Pesci: C’mon Jimmy… Let’s talk about this.

Jimmy Stewart: SHUT UP, GREASEBALL!

[ Stewart jabs the knob of the bat into Joe’s testicles and then into his forehead. Joe falls behind his desk. ]

Jimmy Stewart: You hear that, Clarence? Every time a Guido sings, an angel gets his wings.

[ Stewart looks into the camera. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Excuse me, son. You can shut off the camera now. Show’s over.

[ The camera stays focused. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Hey! I’m talking to you! Son of a bitch thinks I’m playing games. Well, here’s a game for you…

[ Stewart swings the bat at the camera. The lens cracks. Stewart spits into the lens. ]

Jimmy Stewart: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE ELDERLY.[singing]

“Happy Birthday to Me..”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: The Roxbury Guys



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20







95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Fellow Roxbury Guy…..Jim Carrey

Music: “What is Love”, Haddaway.

[ open on a busy New York York Street, 10:00 PM ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile. Steve and Doug Butabi and Fellow RoxburyGuy cruise to their favorite club as they bop their heads back and forth. ] [ cut to exterior, China Club, 10:20 PM ] [ interior, China Club. The crowd parts down the middle to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads at the bar. They turn around to check out the ladies who might be checking them out. ]

Doug Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Heeeey! Wanna dance? No? Okay, don’t worry about it! [ returns to the bar ]

Steve Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Hey, you wannadance? No? Alright.[ returns to the bar ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: [ jumps to the front of the crowd, bopping his head back and forth ] Who’s gonna dance? You, me? You, me? [ woman steps forward to dance with him. He struts a few moves, then he and the Butabis bounce her across each others’ chest until a bouncer throws them out of the club. ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 10:45 PM. The Roxbury Guys smoke cigarettes to the beat of their favorite song. One at a time, they toss their cigarettes out the window – except for the Fellow Roxbury Guy, who drops his cigarette in the car, as the three of them panic to put it out. ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: It’s okay! It’s out!

Steve Butabi: [ relieved ] Alright!

[ cut to exterior, Kennedy High School Prom, 11:00 PM. ] [ interior, Kennedy High School. The prom students part down the middle to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads at the punch bowl. They turn around to check out the teenaged girls. ]

Doug Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance, huh? Me? Him?

All Three Roxbury Guys: [ simultaneously ] Me? Him? Him? Me?Me? Me? Him? Him? Me? Him? Him!

Doug Butabi: [ to Steve ] It’s you!

[ Steve steps up to a young couple, pushes the guy aside and hogs the co-ed all to himself ]

Co-ed: [ annoyed ] Hey! What are you doing?

[ Doug and the Fellow Roxbury Guy cut in to bounce the co-ed across their chests. She runs off, leaving the three Roxbury Guys to bounce each other across their chests. A chaperone barges in and shoves them away from the prom. ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 11:20 PM. The Roxbury Guys talk to each other on cellphones ]

Doug Butabi: What’s up?

Steve Butabi: Nothing. It’s Steve! What’s up?

Fellow Roxbury Guy: I’m in the back, just working it! What’s upwith you?

Steve Butabi: Nothing. Later!

[ they hang up their phones and toss them out of the windows ] [ cut to exterior, Glendale Catering Hall, 11:30 PM. ] [ interior, Glendale Catering Hall. A newlywed couple are dancing at their reception. The camera slowly zooms out to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads next to the wedding cake. They move forward to grab a piece of the bride for themselves, bouncing her across their chests. ]

Groom: [ angry ] Hey, come on!

Steve Butabi: [ confused ] What?!

Groom: Get off! [ pushes the Roxbury Guys out of the reception hall ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 11:45 PM. The Roxbury Guys are enjoying their song when the CD player stops ]

Doug Butabi: [ panicking ] Something’s wrong with the CD! [ pulls it out and holds it up ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: [ frightened ] What the hell is going on?![glances at CD ] Dust! [ blows on the CD, as Doug puts it back in the CD. The song plays. The catastrophe averted, they continue to bop their heads to the music and drive through the night. ] [ cut to exterior, Golden Age Retirement Home, 11:50 PM. ] [ interior, Golden Age Retirement Home. The Roxbury Guys are feeding and hitting upon elderly women. ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, Midnight. The Roxbury Guys hold theelderly women in their laps and make out as they cruise through the night. Fellow Roxbury Guy opens his mouth and pulls out his date’s dentures, holding them proudly in the air. ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: Souvenir!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Mood Music



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18




95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Mood Music

Man…..Chris Kattan
Date…..Teri Hatcher

[ open on Man and his Date sitting on the couch in front of a bay window, sipping wine; generic music plays on the sound system ]

Date: I love this wine.

Man: Isn’t it great?

Date: Yeahhh.

Man: It’s from.. So-no-ma!

Date: Well, I really like it!

Man: [ seductively ] How about.. a little nighttime music?

Date: Why don’t you put on something.. romantic..

[ their lips move incredibly close together ]

Man: I know just the song. [ struts over to his sound system along the opposite wall, taking a seductive look back at his date ] You’re gonna love this.

[ Man puts on a Latin rhythm, as he motions back to his date. He sort of tiptoes toward the coach, gyrating his body against the couch as he leans in close for a kiss.. then suddenly jerks upward ]

Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system, turns the music off ]

Date: [ really into the music and seduction ] Wha-what is it?

Man: Nothing. I’ve just got something much better!

Date: Well, I-I kinda liked that..

Man: You liked that, you’re gonna love this – it’s per-FECT! [ looks at his date with a sexual longing ] [ Man puts on a new song, with an electronic drumbeat and records scratching. He moves closer to his date, reaching out and peeking from behind the arm of the couch like a cat, pawing at her playfully ]

Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system and turns the music off again ]

Date: What was wrong with that song..?

Man: I’ve just got something much better!

Date: Ohh.. [ slighty sarcastic ] Well, gee.. I can’t wait..

Man: [ overexcited ] I can’t, either! I can’t WAIT!! [ looks back at her again with that sexual longing ] [ Man turns on a soothing female vocal performance, then makes his way toward the couch twisting one leg around the other, then breaks into a series of pre-Mango dance moves. His Date seems slightly interested, until he begins to push the couch to the side with his thrusting pelvis; now she’s perturbed, and he senses it and runs to turn off the sound system again. ]

Man: [ upset ] Well, you obviously didn’t like that song!

Date: Well, i-it wasn’t the song.. Why don’t we just try it without the music? You know.. come on over here! Come on! [ he’s relunctant to come back ] Come on!

Man: [ shaking his head ] I-i can’t! I look like an idiot! [ motions the vast emptiness of the room, especially now that he’s pushed the couch practically out of frame ] Look all the space here! I need something to carry me over! You know, some kind of a.. rhythm.. you know? Some kind of, uh.. [ snaps his fingers ] I know just the song! [ looks at her with that sexual longing ] [ Man puts on an African beat, moving towards the couch with a dance than looks more fruity than sensual ]

Date: [ sighs ] Sit down!

Man: But I was just-

Date: [ pushes him onto the couch ] Just sit down.. Shaka Zulu! Let me show you how it’s done.

[ his Date puts on a lite jazz tune, moving toward the couch with a slow, sexy rhythm, stretching her body out and rubbing up and down her legs. She reaches the couch, rubs her hands on Man’s legs, then falls backward over the arm to kiss the Man in an upward position. ]

Man: [ suddenly busts out laughing ]

Date: [ upset ] What are you laughing at?!

Man: What.. nothing.. What are you doing with your body there! Hey, come on! It’s kind of cra-zy! What’s this? [ mimics her dance moves ]

Date: That’s it! I’m going home!

Man: Oh, no, no! I-I-I’m sorry! Wa-wait a second.. I’m sorry, okay? [ a beat ] You sure you don’t want to dance home!

Date: Oh!

Man: Come on! Let’s do that again, whatever that was! What was that?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Spade in America



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20


95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spade in America

…..David Spade

[Opens with David sitting at his desk]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade.

[cheers and applause]

David Spade: All right. Good crowd. Well, good evening. I hope you guys are having fun. The show is been going good so far. Which you may noticed, there’s a lot of talented new cast members and we’ve gotten to know them pretty well during the past 20 shows. So, let’s take a quick review of this year’s group.

[photo pf Nancy Walls]

Nancy Walls. Sweet girl. She just got married before the start of the season. I’ve been to parties with Nancy and trust me, she ain’t that married.

[photo of Mark McKinney]

Hi. I’ve been in 40 sketches this season. Name one.

[photo of David Koechner]

David Koechner. Definitely the funniest guy around the office. Not this office, but still.

[photo of Colin Quinn]

Colin Quinn. This guy got his start on “MTV’s Remote Control”. Now there’s a whole generation of kids going: “Hey, is that Colin Quinn’s dad?”

[photos of Chris Kattan and Fred Wolf]

America, you decide. Feature players? Or a couple of extras from “The Birdcage”?

[audience groans]

It’s a hit movie!

[photo of Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows. Never met him–[applause] yeah. Didn’t get to meet him. Heard he’s funny.

[photo of Molly Shannon]

Mmmm, don’t know…

[photo of Darrell Hammond]

not sure…

[photo of Will Ferrell]

…looks familiar….

[ photo of Cheri Oteri]

…did her, didn’t know she worked here. Look, I’m just messing around. This is obviously a great new cast, lot of new friends. “The Hollywood Minute” is just my was of expressing love. So, if you have a second I thought we take a look back at some of my favorite “Hollywood Minutes” from the past. So, get out your hankies and let’s take a look back at me being an ass.

[cut to Hollywood Minute segments from the early 90’s. Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays] [photo of Michael Bolton]

Michael Bolton. Big star, popular musician. But guess what? You’re bald and we all know it. I don’t care how long you’re growing your hair on the back, we know what’s happening on top. I know you sold 9 million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one.

[cut to another segment, photo of Cindy Crawford]

I saw that new Charly perfume commercial where Cindy Crawford sings…yikes! [mockingly sings monotone] “And the call it…tone deaf”. How can you do this? Cindy, what was going through your mole?

[another segment, photo of Erik Estrada dressed as Punch from “Chips”]

Hi. I need work.

[another segment, photo of Latoya Jackson]

Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

[another segment, photo of MC Hammer] [to the tune of “Can’t touch this”]

Do, dodo, do, dodo, dodo…it’s over.

[another segment, Steve Martin’s movie poster “Leap of Faith”]

And Steve Martin’s “Leap of Faith”. I was gonna see it, but I was sick that day.[Steve appears behind David sipping a drink, audience roars] He, uh…oh, yeah, oh yeah.

[another segment, poster for the film “The Bodyguard”]

And I also sat through “The Bodyguard”. [mocking Whitney Houston’s mega hit “I’ll always love you”] And… I-I-I-I-ahi-I-ahi-I-I-I want my money back.

[another segment, photo of child star Macaulay Culkin]

Hi. First off, your dad is nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid. You’re cute. You got blond hair, everyone loves you. It’s true. Here’s the catch. [photo of a 10 year old David Spade appears next to Macaulay’s photo, they’re almost identical] I used to look exactly like you when I was ten. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [points at himself] This is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to hell!

[Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays. Cut to David back live dabbing his eyes with a napkin. Big applause.]

MC Hammer jokes still make me a little misty. By the way, my former hairstylist and me are still in litigation. Anyway, it’s been a fun 6 years and uh, it hasn’t really…uh, hasn’t really. It’s been mostly mind games, but still it had it moments. Like the time I saw Elle McPherson in a quick change booth naked, accidentally. [darts eyes around] Anyway, you guys, thanks for sitting through that. Have a nice summer. We’ll see you soon.

[Spade in America logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Spade In America



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18




95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Spade In America

David Spade…..Teri Hatcher
Teri Hatcher…..David Spade

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Spade In America” with David Spade.

David Spade: Good evening! I’m David Spade – or, at least, I eill be for the next five minutes. Just go with me, here on this premise, we’re trying to keep this segment alive. sorry my piece was so late in the show, but, of course, “Update” ran long. Okay, Norm, Marion Barry smokes crack – we get it! This week, I thought I’d interview the lovely and talented, Miss Teri Snatcher. I mean, Hatcher Whoo-oops.. typo! You do know Teri Hatcher, don’t you? [ raised finger ] She’s #1. Teri? Get out here!

Teri Hatcher: [ pulls up a chair ] Oh, hi! David, it’s so nice to see you here! It’s gonna be really fun. you look great! Is this jacket cotton? [ tries to feel David up ]

David Spade: [ pulls him off ] Easy, Teri!

Teri Hatcher: What?! I’m into fabrics! I’m a girl, what’s the problem? And, this must be “felt”.. [ reaches for David’s crotch ]

David Spade: Teri! Please!

Teri Hatcher: What?! It’s the fabric! i’m intrigued by fashion! I took a class in college.

David Spade: Anyhoo.. Now, Teri, you’re on that hip show, “Lois & Clark”. How’d you wind up with that part?

Teri Hatcher: Is it really a hit show? Uh.. David, I’m glad you asked that. My agent told me that there was a great part for a semi-goodlooking girl who can yell “Help!” a different way each week.

David Spade: Well.. I’ve seen the show, and it’s obviously a high-quality show done by skilled professionals, so I’m sure that it requires a lot more talent than that.

Teri Hatcher: [ shakes head ] Not really.. no.. But the show’s starting to bore me – you know, because I’m really good – and, so, I want to do movies now.

David Spade: Oh, yeah? Well, you know, I did a movie called “Black Sheep.” Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called “Tommy Boy”!

Teri Hatcher: Uh.. yes. I did see that. You were great, David. I mean, you are very sexy on the screen. Sometimes, I rent it late at night, and then I think naughty thoughts about it!

David Spade: There is no way that you, Teri Hatcher, would find me, David Spade, remotely attractive. Remotely. Plus, I’m into guys.

Teri Hatcher: He-ey-ey! Hey! No, everybody knows that’s not true! No, no, Spade, you’re a total catch. A lot of my hot chick friends think so, too! You’re a babe.

David Spade: Well, thanks. You know, because it does take me a lot of effort to look good. I come in here two hours before each show, so the hair people can make me look like Lisa Kudrow!

Teri Hatcher: Lisa Kudrow? [ stunned ] I didn’t know people thought.. your hair looked like Lisa Kudrow..

David Spade: They do!

Teri Hatcher: Well.. you know, Tom Arnold was right. Maybe talking isn’t my best thing. [ laughs ] Which is really bad, you know, because he’s a talented guy. He’s got some good theories..

David Spade: You know, Teri, this piece isn’t really going the way I expected it to. But.. nothing I’ve done this year has been funny!

Teri Hatcher: [ removes wig ] Okay, that one’s not fair.

David Spade: Oh? Oh, really? And that remark about Tom Arnold is? [ points to fake cleavage ] And, what are those? Are those boobs? You look like a cartoon!

Teri Hatcher: Yeah, well, this is a compliment! This is how I picture you in my mind when I think about you.

David Spade: Well, that’s really interesting, because I put about a half-a-pack of Certs in my front pocket, because that’s how I think of you! Anyhow.. Teri.. we’d better wrap this up, because I’ve got to go sell out and do some more phone commercials.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, is that right? [ puts wig back on ] Well, David.. um.. I have to go do a photo shoot with my sharpei for InStyle Magazine, and then I have to go put another nude photo of myself on the Internet. So, I’d better run!

David Spade: Buh-bye! See you next week!

SNL Transcripts