SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Spartan Cheerleaders



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spartan Cheerleaders

Principal…..Mark McKinney
Lochmiel…..Jim Carrey
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, Principal’s office somewhere in Europe – Lochmiel enters talking through a bullhorn ]

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Good morning!

Principal: [ subtitles ] Please sit down. Lochmiel, your spiritannoys the other students. You must leave South Europe High.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Where will I go?

Principal: [ subtitles ] You’re being sent to America as an exchange student.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] But I’ll miss my friends.

Principal: [ subtitles ] Too bad. So long.

[ cut to East Lake High’s Wrestling Tournament in America – non-Spartancheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheerleading the team on ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Mess him up! Mess him up!
We don’t care!
There’s a big red ambulance right over there!
Stitch him up and check his pulse,
Get ’em a bed pan!
The only one to call is Doc Kevorkian!
Hook ’em up, Let ’em drip,
Die!”

[ a pair of wrestlers topple at their feet ]

Arianna: Keep ’em on the mat! Keep ’em on the mat!

Craig: They’re sweaty! They’re sweaty! [ they sit on the bench ] I am so excited about Lochmiel joining our squad!

Arianna: I just don’t know, Craig – I don’t trust foreign spirit.

Craig: I know, but he’s a spirit machine – he never stops. Besides, he’s got some sizzling Euro moves!

Arianna: Alright, well, I guess he deserves a chance. Sorry Isnapped? [ she hugs Craig ]

[ Lochmiel runs up, speaking in his foreign language. He jumps up withCraig, then sits down and notices Arianna. ]

Lochmiel: You must be Arianna! Craig was right – you aretantalizing!

Arianna: Welcome to our country, Lochmiel. But let’s chin down, and chit-chat later, okay? [ notices the action in the match ] Oh, my God! Bridge, Tyler! Bridge, Tyler!

Craig: Bridge! Bridge! Bridge!

[ all three stand to cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Uh! Ungowa,
Spartans got the power!
We’re the winning tribe,
Just try to catch our vibe!
Nam yo ho reng gay chow!
Go Spartans!”

Craig: “Hey! Who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!”

Craig: “I said who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!

Together: “Uh-huh, Uh-huh,
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!
Asian Immigrants!”

[ Ariana jumps into Lochmiel’s arms ]

Arianna: Lochmiel.. I don’t know.. I feel all.. squooshy inside..

Lochmiel: My.. groin.. feels to be petrified..

Craig: Arianna?

Arianna: What..?

Craig: Alexis wants you.

Arianna: Where is she..? [ looks up and yells towards Alexis ] What, Alexis? What? His name is “Lochmiel”. Yeah, he’s foreign, yeah, that means he has an accent and is kind of stinky. He’s kind of stinky! He stinks! I can’t hear! Call me later, okay! [ returns to Craig and Lochmiel ]

Craig: Oh, my God! Virgil’s caught in a half-nelson!

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us now! More than ever!

[ the three of them stand up to do a rollercoaster cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Click-click-click-click-click-click!
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster!”

[ Lochmiel starts to dance, as Craig and Arianna cheer him on ]

Arianna: Go, Lochmiel! go, Lochmiel!

[ Lochmiel drops something from his pocket – Craig bends down to pick it up ]

Craig: Lochmiel! You dropped your.. [ stunned, as he realizes what the object is ]

Arianna: [ examining object ] Dexatrim? But Lochmiel doesn’t have a weight problem! [ Lochmiel hyperactively dances past ] Craig! This means Lochmiel’s spirit..

Craig: ..comes in an easy-to-swallow tablet..

Lochmiel: Hey, my friends! What is being our next cheer is?

Arianna: [ upset ] It’s called “My Gums Are Bleeding Because I’mSo Hocked Up On Diet Pills!” [ cries into Craig’s arms ]

Craig: Do you know that cheer, Lochmiel, because I thinkthat you do!

Arianna: What we had ws real, Lochmiel – but you threw itall away! What were you thinking?

[ Craig returns the Dexatrim to Lochmiel ]

Lochmiel: [ over violin music ] I was.. fooling around with thewrong crowd.. when I learned that these pills would be the shortcut to the super-spirit. I have let you down now.

Craig: Lochmiel, super-spirit doesn’t come from a pharmacy. Itcomes from within.

Arianna: Yeah. The only prescription you need is the Perfect Cheer!

[ Lochmeil tosses the pills ]

Craig & Arianna: Now let’s blow this mother out!

Lochmiel: [ confused ] Do what to my mother?

Craig & Arianna: Let’s kick it!

Lochmiel: Oh.

[ they play “I Like Big Butts” – Craig and Lochmiel bend over, as Arianna simulates pumping their butts up to size ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Spartan Cheerleaders



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18


95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Gabrielle…..Teri Hatcher

(shows the school with a sign saying: East Lake Math Club Regional Competition, and then kids taking tests and then to the Spartans)

Both: V for Victory! I said V Â for Victory!

Craig: Spread that V!

Arianna: Dot that I !

Both: Rock that C-T-O-R-Y! Whoo Spartan Spirit!!

(erasers are thrown at them from off camera and they both stop cheering to pick them up, then sit back down)

Craig: Ok we’ll take a break

Arianna: its an accident. That’s all right! Oh My God Craig! I cant believe it! Our Differential Calculus squad is really kicking some tail!

Craig: I know! I’ll say! And wait till they get a load of our herkie jump!

Arianna: bad news flash Craig, I cant do the herkie jump today, I’ve got my friend.

Craig: What??

Arianna: um, I can’t go swimming!

Craig: ohh. Hey that’s not the only friend you got, and this one wont give you cramps!

(they both hug)

Arianna: Oh My God Ronald’s approaching the chalkboard!

Both: Focus Ronald! Focus Ronald!

Arianna: OH MY GOD HE DROPPED THE CHALK!

Craig: pick it up! Pick it up! Ok he’s got it! He’s got it!

Arianna: Chalk can be slippery!

Craig: I know I know! He’s got it. He wrote .35

Both: Is it right?

Arianna: no ones saying anything…. No.

(they pause and look confused for a couple of seconds before they realize its right)

Both: Oh my God! Its right! .35! whoo! Whoo!

(they jump up to cheer)

Both: arf arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Arianna: I’m Arianna! The boys are urging but I am proud to stay a virgin!

Both: Arf Arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Craig: My name is Craig! I give good hugs! Your not my friend if you do drugs!

Both: arf! Small dog! Whoo! Whoo! Spartan spirit!

(Gabrielle walks in wearing the real Spartan Cheerleader uniform)

Gabrielle: Hi craig. Hi arianna.

Arianna: Oh my God! Gabrielle!

Craig: Gabrielle! Arent you missing the game?

Arianna: I didn’t no you liked math!

Gabrielle: Oh I Don’t. I’m here on behalf of the REAL Spartan cheerleaders. Tommy Peters has mono and we need your help,

Both: Oh My god! This is it! Now’s our chance! Oh my God!

Arianna: Gabrielle, we would be proud to join the real Spartan Squad!

Gabrielle: Not you Arianna, Just Craig.

(Arianna’s looks like she is about to cry and she keeps repeating “Oh my god” softly for the next couple lines between Gabrielle and Craig)

Craig: Gabrielle I don’t know if I’d feel right —

Gabrielle: Oh well I think you would feel just fine! And besides Arianna doesn’t like you like that

Craig: Arianna!

Arianna: The real Spartans need you Craig. Your dream is calling! Pick up the phone.

Craig: Thank you! (and he runs off camera)

Gabrielle: That was for telling everyone about my WonderBra

Arianna: Whatever!

Gabrielle: Whatever! Whatever!

Arianna: WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER!

(Gabrielle runs off camera too, leaving Arianna standing by herself)

Arianna: Oh my God! Ok right! Spirit Spirit! Come on Nathan! Your best utensil is a number 2 pencil! Come on Nathan! Come on Nathan!

(she starts to cry and sits back down. The screen changes to Gabrielle and Craig cheering at the basketball game, They are both cheering but only Gabrielle is moving around until Craig starts to, halfway through the cheer)

Gabrielle and Craig: Steady eddie eddie eddie ROCK! Who rocks the house? The Spartans rock the house! And when the Spartans rock the house, they rock it all the way down!

(Craig starts to repeat the cheer but Gabrielle stops him when she realizing he is doing the cheer moves too.)

Gabrielle: CRAIG! What are you doing? Your supposed to be standing still!

Craig: I just thought I’d throw in a trekking move! You know spice it up! You know when Arianna and I work on routines—

Gabrielle: wait a minute Craig! I make the decisions on this squad! If you don’t like it, you can go back to your buddy from planet Freak, Arianna!

(Gabrielle’s voice saying “Arianna” is echoed as the camera zooms in on Craig and a 25 second clip of a bunch of previous Spartan skits are shown, after the clips Craig runs off stage and Gabrielle comes running in on the other side and falls down)

Gabrielle: ouch! CRAIG BUCHANAN! YOU ARE DEAD MEAT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SPOT ME! AHH I CHIPPED A TOOTH! Whatever whatever —

( the screen goes back to Arianna alone cheering)

Arianna: Lucy, Charlie Brown, piano playing Schroeder! Your teams like Pigpen cause you got an odor! OPEN A WINDOW! Whoo whoo!

(she starts to cry and sits down again, and Craig runs in from the other side)

Craig: Hey! Who’s that Spartan looking so lonely?

Arianna: it’s me, It’s me. I said whose that Spartan gonna sing with me?

Craig: It’s me! Its me!

Both: Let’s turn this mother out!

(they turn on Bust a move and exit with the Perfect Cheer)

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20





95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters

Jimmy Tango…..Jim Carrey
Male Audience Member…..Fred Wolf
Female Client…..Nancy Walls
Male Client…..Will Ferrell

[ Jimmy Tango runs onto stage, wild-haired and spastic ]Jimmy Tango: Hi! Do you recognize this tub of crap? [ shows image of fat, bloated man with tiny head ] That’s me, three-and-a-half weeks ago! Since then, I’ve lost 155 pounds! [ claps ] Yes, you heard me right! I lost 155 pounds in less than three weeks! How did I lose all that gross fat? By combining the miracle of technology with ordinary street junkies! Producing this: Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters! [ studio audience applauds ] It’s this simple: wear my patented vibrating heat-bead suit, then jam an unbelievable amount of pure, raw crystal meth into your system! You might ask, “Isn’t crystal meth illegal?” You bet! But my scientist, Dr. Cody, spends his days in a tin shed deep inside a smallcanyon outside San Bernadino, constantly altering the scientific formula of a bathtub crank that keeps us one step ahead the law, and keeps you one step ahead of the fat farm! Fatties, here’s my promise: wear my vibrating heat beads, while blasting down handfuls of crrystal meth, and you’ll drop weight so fast you’ll lose your mind! Any questions? You! [ points to audience member ]

Male Audience Member: Jimmy, I like what I hear, but even though I’m not a doctor, it sounds unhealthy. Does the kind of dramatic weight loss you describe have any side effects?

Jimmy Tango: [ makes spastic twitch ] You betcha! In mycase, when I close my eyes, all I see are spiders and snails! My skin is clammy! My mouth is very dry! I think of suicide nonstop! And five minutes ago, I vomited the strangest colors into my stage manager’s fanny pack! But you know what? The main side effect is, these days when I’m wearing a blue suit, and I yawn, people don’t try to stuff a letter into my mouth! [ laughs uncontrollably ] Get off!! Folks, if you’re serious about weight loss, then you shouldn’t be afraid to.. “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] Now! Let’s talk to some of my clients! [ makes spastic jump into the audience, grinning at Female Client ] Hi, Olive Oyl! Have you always been so thin, hmm??

Female Client: No! I used to be a 220-pound land monster!And, in eight days, by “Riding The Snake”.. [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] ..I lost 124 pounds! I’ve never had a date in my life, but two days ago, I made out with Scott Baio at a party! [ studio audience applauds her achievements ] Jimmy, by using your method, I really lost weight fast! Probably too fast! The stress you put on my body made me slip into the bowels of a red nightmare! I sleep in my oven! My hair falls out in clumps! I cry when I see a tree! And I burn symbols into my housepets with a curling iron! But it’s worth it, because, these days, when I’m wearing a black jumpsuit, I look like a closed umbrella! [ laughs ] Thank you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Tango: Hey, welcome to the club, Sliver! Start liking it! I lost 180 pounds in five days, and I’m.. ecstatic! [ jumps back on stage ] Let’s hear from someone else! You-ou-ou-ou! [ points to Male Client in audience ]

Male Client: [ dressed in heat-bead suit ] I’m taking those speed pills of yours, and I’m wearing the vibrating heat beads, and by “Riding your Snake”, not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I’m the Devil! And I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its sinners! I am reborn! And I’ve got YOU to thank, Jimmy Tango!

Jimmy Tango: [ hyper ] Sounds good! But talk is cheap! Scan me!

[ Jimmy holds his hand in front of Male Client, as they both growl and hiss at each other ]

Male Client: [ blood pouring fromhis head ] Aaagghhh!! Make it stop! Make it STOP, Jimmy!! Aaagghhhh!!

Jimmy Tango: Nice try, novice! But don’t mess with the maestro! So, there you have it, folks! Use Jimmy Tango’s method, and within days you’ll drop more weight than a Tijuana crack whore! Hey! If you’re a porky puke, don’t be afraid! Come “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] And you’ll lose fat quick! If you dare!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Unabomber Defense Team



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18




95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Unabomber Defense Team

Guard…..Jim Breuer
David Kaczynski…..David Koechner
Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Leslie Abramson…..Cheri Oteri
Bald Guy From “Murder One”…..Darrell Hammond
F. Lee Bailey…..Steve Higgins

[ open on interior, jailhouse, Guard standing next to David Kaczynski ]

Guard: Okay, you’ve got 15 minutes, Mr. Kacyznski. Wait right here, and I’ll being in your brother.

David Kaczynski: Thanks a lot!

[ Guard exits hallway to retrieve Ted Kaczynski, then brings the wild man out of his jail cell ]

Ted Kaczynski: We-e-e-ell! If it isn’t my brother David! Good to see ya! Wish I could bring you up to my log cabin, but there’s about 150 FBI agents using it this weekend!

David Kaczynski: [ uneasy ] Yeah..

Ted Kaczynski: Go figure! [ laughs maniacally ]

David Kaczynski: I know.. I’m sorry about that, okay.. [ ] He-e-eyy!! I thought you got a haircut?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. I just use a little mousse with the judge, you know? [ laughs maniacally ]

David Kaczynski: Yeah, I gotcha.. hey, listen – Ted. I don’t have much time.. I feel just, just awful! Okay, you got that now? So, to make it up to you, I’ve gotten the best.. legal defense team money can buy. Now, you just wait right here, I’m gonna go get ’em, alright?

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, you know what? Don’t worry.. ’cause I’m not goin’ anywhere! Okay! [ laughs ]

David Kaczynski: Alright. Well, first off, I’ve got.. Johnny Cochran!

[ Johnny Cochran enters the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic!

Johnny Cochran: I am outraged! It’s nice to meet you. [ sits at the table ]

David Kaczynski: Now.. F. Lee Bailey!

[ F. Lee Bailey enters the room, drinking from a martini glass ]

Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic! Fantastic!

David Kaczynski: I’ve also got the lawyer for the Menendez Brothers – Leslie Abramson!

[ Leslie Abramson enters the room, frizzy hair and all ]

Leslie Abramson: Boys!

Ted Kaczynski: Alright!

David Kaczynski: And, of course, the bald guy from “Murder One”!

[ the bald guy from “Murder One” enters the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: You know what? I’m sorry I don’t have a television.. I-I’ve never seen your show..

Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Well, Mr. Kaczynski, neither has anybody else.

[ Ted laughs heartily at the joke ]

David Kaczynski: Okay, Mr. Cochran.. you begin!

Johnny Cochran: [ stands ] Alright, Mr. Kaczynski, I am outraged! To think that the FBI has the nerve.. the audacity.. the unmitigated GALL to accuse a respected mathematician hermit like yourself! To such a heinous crime! I will demonstrate to the jury that if the hood and the sunglasses don’t fit.. then you must aquit! [ sits ]

Leslie Abramson: [ stands ] Don’t you worry, Mr. Kaczynski. With the defense I have planned, there is no way they can convict you! At least, not at the first trial. Okay. Now, tell me, exactly how long were you and your brother sexually abused by your parents?

Ted Kaczynski: [ confused ] Uh.. we weren’t..

Leslie Abramson: Then I’ve got nothing. Talk to the bald guy! [ sits ]

David Kaczynski: Okay! “Murder One” guy, go ahead!

Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Mr. Kaczynski, I don’t think any of us here can emphasize enough: that I’m the bald guy from “Murder One”. Thank you. [ sits ]

David Kaczynski: That’s a good point! Mr. Bailey?

F. Lee Bailey: [ looks up ] Scotch and soda, please!

David Kaczynski: Uh.. I’m sorry?

F. Lee Bailey: Isn’t this T.J. McDougal’s?

David Kaczynski: No. It’s not.

F. Lee Bailey: Well, I’ll tell ya, Marine to Marine: I’m stinkin’ drunk! [ burps ] I just pulled 15 million stock options to get out of the pokie.. I’m gonna go find me a Happy Hour! [ exits the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: Listen, David.. I appreciate all this, but.. I’ll tell you what, I’ve run up a pretty tight legal defense of my own.. and if you folks have a minute, I’d love to share it with ya!

David Kaczynski: Sure.. yeah.. go ahead, Ted.. yeah.

Ted Kaczynski: [ drops stack of papers onto the table ] There’s Part One.. the Opening Statement right here.. and, uh.. let’s see it.. [ unfolds the paper ] Well, it begins kind of like this.. uh.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18





95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Greg Norman…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.

On Thursday, Congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals to death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty, wooden shack.

Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

In other showbiz news, it is reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I dind this a bit hard to believe.. I mean, uh.. Madonna isn’t even married! It’s like.. cra-zy!

This week, a New Jersey woman – Rita Gluzman – was charged with hacking her husband to death with an axe, gutting the body into pieces, and having a cousin dump them in a river. According to police, Gluzman learned how to do this by watching the program “Martha Stewart Living”.

In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is “One ugly bastard.”

In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26-mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face.. [ Norm grimaces ] ..at a Boston Marathon.

And, in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined $10,000 for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me..”

Norm MacDonald: Last Sunday saw the conclusion of the most celebrated tournament in the world of golf. I’m referring, of course, to The Masters. Here to share with us his impressions, is the Great White Shark himself, Greg Norman. Greg!

Greg Norman: Hi! Hi there, Norm! Good evening, folks! Now.. as many of you might remember, last weekend I took a seemingly insurmountable 6-shot lead into the last day of play at the Masters. But.. on Sunday, I squandered that huge lead and lost the ‘tourney, along with hundreds of thousands of dollars in prize money to Nick Falder. Cheers! Folks, this isn’t the first time Greg “The Shark” Norman has squanderd a huge lead! In fact, I do it fairly regularly! and, consequently, it’s been pointed out to me that perhaps “The Shark” is not really an appropriate nickname. [ holds up a picture of a shark ] You see.. the shark is not only a merciless killer, it’s an eating machine whose swallowing reflexes tops in the animal kingdom. Whereas I, unlike the shark, am actually quite merciful to my opponents. And when I try to swallow, I bloody choke! [ laughs ]

So I’ve decided to create a new, more descriptive nickname for myself. At first, I thought I’d stick with the fish theme, and call myself.. “The Trout”. [ holds up a picture of a trout ] But.. I don’t think that adequately describes the depth of my impotence. Then.. I thought I might call myself.. “The Submissive Trout”. [ holds up another photo of a trout, this one with a cartoon balloon reading “Please don’t hurt me!” ] It’s pretty similar to the regular trout, but this little bugger is sayin’, “Please don’t hurt me!” [ laughs ] Ah, but you know, that didn’t seem catchy. Then I thought, maybe my nickname could be.. Greg “The Little Girl” Norman. [ holds up a picture of a little girl ] But women’s groups complained, and rightly so. So, I considered then.. “Pippi Longstockings”.. [ holds up a photo of Pippi Longstockings ] ..and “Mrs. Butterworth”. [ holds up a photo of Mrs. Butterworth ] But, to my surprise, they were taken. So then I thought, hey! Why not “The Crab”? [ holds up a photo of a crab ] You see? ‘Cause the crab is a little fearsome – like I am during the first part of the tournament. And if you’re in the ocean, and you see that you are about to step on a crab.. well, you’d think twice about it, if you didn’t want to get your toes pinched. Of course, ultimately, a crab doesn’t scare anyone! Just like me! [ laughs ]

So.. this is Greg “The Crab” Norman, saying “Watch your toes!” Back to you, Norm! [ bounces golf ball on the desk, but faces difficulty trying to snatch it back up ]

Norm MacDonald: Greg Norman, everybody! Thanks, Greg! Thank you, Greg Norman!

Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere’s new film “Primal Fear” was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, “Hey, uh.. do you think that gerbil story is true?”

Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme: I Don’t Deserve My Girlfriend.

In California, the State Justice Department has endorsed a plan to update the term for a prostitute’s customer, from the traditional “John”, to the new, more current-sounding term “Charlie Sheen”.

And, finally, this Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the Fourth Annual “Take Our Daughters To Work Day”. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it: “Thursday”.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night, see you later!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 11th, 1996

Christine Baranski

The Cure

None

Dennis Rodman

Ryn Shiraki

Wally Feresten

Hugh Fink

Steve Higgins

Paula Pell

Joe Dicso

Andy Murphy

Adam McKay
Dole/Rodman ’96Summary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) announces his selection of Dennis Rodman for his running mate.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Bob Dole, Christiane Amanpour, Bobbi Batista.

Montage

Christine Baranski’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Christine Baranski is made the victim of numerous Polish jokes.

A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right.

Note: Repeat from 09/30/95.

The Courtney Love ShowSummary: Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) interviews Marge Schott (Darrell Hammond) and Julie Andrews (Christine Baranski).

Recurring Characters: Courtney Love.

Transcript

Get Off The Shed IISummary: Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) yells at kids again.

Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson.

Transcript

20 Years and One WeekSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) reviews decades worth of celebrity interview clips.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Loni Anderson, Sean Penn, Tony Orlando, Richard Dreyfuss, Menachim Begin, Anwar Sadat, Burt Reynolds.

The Cure performs “Mint Car”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) tries to do “Weekend Update” as a gift for his and Norm’s mom. Dennis Rodman flamboyantly reviews his new book.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Nightclub SingerSummary: An off-key nightclub singer Sally Kings (Christine Baranski) receives audience sympathy because she’s terminally ill.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade’s biggest fans, Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney), spend the day with him.

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.

Rolf on Death RowSummary: Rolf (Colin Quinn) gossips with his fellow death row inmates.

Recurring Characters: Rolf.

Goat Boy Sings Popular Songs of the 80’sSummary: Lab experiment Goat Boy (Jim Breuer)sings popular 80’s hits.

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

New Personality TraitsSummary: Employee Brian Hughes (Jim Breuer) drastically changes his personality in order to win approval from his employers (Christine Baranski, Will Ferrell).

The Cure performs “Inbetween Days”

1-600-LANSINGSummary: Phone sex catered especially for residents of Lansing.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a haunted house.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: The Courtney Love Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19





95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

The Courtney Love Show

Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon
Marge Schott…..Darrell Hammond
Julie Andrews…..Christine Baranski

Announcer: It’s “The Courtney Love Show”, here she is, Courtney Love!

[ Courtney steps out from behind the curtains, but gets herself tangled up in them. A stagehand enters to assist her. ]

Courtney Love: [ shoves him away ] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [ stumbles to the main set ] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to “The Courtney Love Show”, I’m Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [ is handed a cigarette by the stagehand ] Alright.. come here! [ grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free ] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill Clinton. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [ clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top ] Okay, it’s time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [ leans back and lifts up leg ] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [ points to one area of her arm ] ..Alright, there’s ten, trust me, okay! Alright. My next guest.. is a woman who the press has been after, because she’s a woman who speaks her mind – like me. Please welcome Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott!

Marge Schott: [ enters set and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Hello, dear! Love that dress. You look so sexy! You look like one of those Puerto Rican street hookers!

Courtney Love: Oh, thanks, Marge! It’s so sweet of you to say that.. so sweet. So what, what happened?

Marge Schott: Well. All I said was that Adolph Hitler had some good ideas.

Courtney Love: You know what? Okay, that.. first of all.. that is the problem with thiscountry, okay? Because it’s like, a woman speaks her mind, people get all freaked out! ..You know? Did you say Hitler? Marge, you’re a fat Nazi bitch! Okay? Why do I feel like I want to make out with you? [ pounces onto Marge, as she uickly breaks free and runs away ] Whatever. Alright. Okay. My next guest.. is a woman.. [ falls asleep, then wakes up ] ..Okay, I’m back.. My next guest is the woman who told the Tony Awards where they can shove their Tony Awards. Please welcome Julie Andrews.

Julie Andrews: [ steps out and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Courtney it’s so exciting to meet you! I’ve followed your little band, Hole, since its inception!

Courtney Love: Ohh.. Mary Poppins! What is up?!

Julie Andrews: Well.. the Tony Awards snubbed my Broadway show, so I am snubbing them back by not accepting their nomination.

Courtney Love: Ohh, Julie.. I totally know what you mean.. because, people come up to me, and they’re like, “Courtney, you have such a good voice, but your band sucks.” And I’m like, “You know what? Eat me! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! [ flashes her panties ] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! What are you looking at?!

Julie Andrews: That is precisely how I feel! Courtney, I would be honored if you’d sing a song with me.

Courtney Love: Alright.. whatever..

Julie Andrews: I know.. [ stands ] Let’s do “Doe, A Deer”. [ sings ] “Doe, a deer, a female deer..”

Courtney Love: [ throws hands in the air ] “A female deer!

Julie Andrews: “Ray, a drop of golden sun..”

Courtney Love: “Sun!”

Julie Andrews: “Me, a name I call myself..”

Courtney Love: “Me!”

Julie Andrews: “Far, a long long way to run..”

Courtney Love: Wait, wait, wait, wait.. this sucks! This is totally making me, um.. a little bit dizzy..

Julie Andrews: Courtney, Courtney.. do you know “A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down.. in the most delightful waaaayy”?

Courtney Love: Yeah.. and Vodka helps it go down, also! Julie, I need to lay down, I feel tired.. I’m going to lay down, I’m so tired..

[ Courtney drops to the floor, as the stagehand tries to revive her. She slaps him off of her, as the show fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: Get Off The Shed II



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

Get Off The Shed II

Frank…..Will Ferrell
Shirley…..Christine Baranski

Frank: (Said Over Happy Birthday) Brandon, Michael, c’mon cake time, guys?

(Cheering)

Susan: Did you make a wish honey?

Johnny: Yeah

Susan: Good

Frank: I hope you wished for a high yield mutual fund. (Laughter)

Tom: You son of a gun Frank.

Susan: Alright, who wants cake?

Kids: me me me!

Tom: Frank, Susan, are Brandon and Michael coming?

Frank: Yeah, I called them I just don’t know where they went to.

Shirley: oh no wait, there they are on top of the tool shed honey.

Frank: Oh, hey Brandon, Michael, would you do me and mom a favor and get off that shed, c’mon guys I need you to be a buddy, get off the shed. What do you say, cake time, here we go c’mon.

Shirley: I’ll take a small piece and I mean small. Hey guys your dad wasn’t joking lets get off the shed.

Susan: Ya know Johnny did you thank Brandon and Michael’s parents for giving you the lion king video.

Johnny: Oh thank you

Frank: Oh you’re welcome son, I just hope you enjoy watching it as much as Brandon and Michael do. GET OFF THE SHED!!

Shirley: Ya know our boys must have watched that tape 500 times, we ended up having to buy a new tape.

Frank: True story

Shirley: GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!

Tom: Well, you know our kids just love Disney.

Susan: Oh yeah, every movie we buy is Disney. All: Yeah

Shirley: Pretty soon they’ll be running the government.

All: (Laughter)

Shirley: I WILL SHOVE YOU TWO BACK INTO MY WOMB IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THE SHED! You know, what a great day for a party.

Frank: Yeah Yeah

Shirley: I was talking to Jan Vixson just last Friday and she was telling me that (cut off)

Frank: I WILL DRIVE YOU OUT TO THE DESERT AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF AUGUST IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!!

Shirley: I telling a story. I’m telling a story

Frank: Sorry

Shirley: Anyway, she was just saying how hard it is to find good entertainment for a kid’s party. I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE PHILIPPIANS AND SELL YOUR KIDNEYS ON THE BLACK MARKET IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!

Johnny: Mommy, why are the man and the lady yelling?

Susan: I don’t know, just don’t go near the shed.

Frank: So hey birthday boy, how’s it feel to be nine?

Johnny: Scared.

Frank: That’s adorable. I WILL DOUSE YOU IN GASOLINE AND LIGHT YOU ON FIRE LIKE THAT BUDDHIST MONK IN VIETNAM IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT DAMN SHED!!

Shirley: IF YOU DON’T GET DOWN FROM THAT DAMN SHED I WILL LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO FRUIT AND WUSSY!

Frank: I WILL TAKE YOU INTO A DARK ALLEY AND FIGHT YOU IF YOU AREN’T DOWN IN TWO SECONDS!!!!

Shirley: HE WILL DO THAT AND I WILL VIDEOTAPE IT AND MAKE YOU WATCH IT EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! Together-GET OF THE SHED! GET OFF THAT SHED!

Frank: GET OFF! Michael: Dad, we’re right here.

Brandon: We were inside playing Nintendo the whole time.

Frank: Oh. Sorry kids, I don’t have my contacts in. Hey, let’s have some cake eh?

Submitted by: Andrew

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>








Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 18th, 1996

Jim Carrey

Soundgarden

None

Adam McKay

John G. Connolly

Joe Dicso
NightlineSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) desperately tries to change his image in order to one-up President Clinton in the Fall election.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bob Dole, President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Jim Carrey’s MonologueSummary: Posing as a spaceman with unusual personality quirks, Jim Carrey must revert to his movie catch phrases to win the approval of a lone audience member (Adam McKay) who can’t comprehend the satire.

Transcript

SpartansSummary: Foreign exchange student, Lochmiel (Jim Carrey), joins Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna’s (Cheri Oteri) cheer squad.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

Roxbury GuysSummary: A new club hopper (Jim Carrey) joins Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) in a wild night crashing a club, a wedding, and a retirement home.

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Transcript

Overprotective LifeguardSummary: An overprotective lifeguard (Jim Carrey) keeps an extremely close eye on a man in a jacuzzi (Will Ferrell).

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Maybe it’s because the writers wanted to use Jim Carrey in as much of the show as possible, but Norm MacDonald performs an abbreviated Weekend Update with no guest commentaries.

Transcript

Soundgarden performs “Pretty Noose”

I’ll See You In Hell!Summary: Joe Pilson’s (Jim Carrey) nonstop use of the phrase “I’ll see you in Hell!’ at the office nullifies its impact.

Transcript

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade pokes fun at the new cast, then looks back on his favorite moments from the “Hollywood Minute.”

Transcript

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Jimmy Stewart (Jim Carrey) doesn’t approve of Jim Carrey’s (Mark McKinney) impression of him, nor Joe Pesci’s (Jim Breuer) violent behavior.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Jimmy Stewart, Jim Carrey.

Transcript

Soundgarden performs “Burden In My Hand”

Jimmy Tango’s Fat BustersSummary: Jimmy Tango (Jim Carrey) shows how to burn pounds with heat beads and crystal meth.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Goodnights

…..Jim Carrey

[ Jim Carrey stands with his arm around Joe Dicso ]

Jim Carrey: It’s Joe Dicso’s last night here, ladies and gentlemen! He’s been here for 21 years – he’s seen it all!

[ the audience cheers for Joe ]

I’d like to thank Soundgarden! Thank you! I had a wonderful time! It’s a great cast! Good night!

SNL Transcripts