Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon Marge Schott…..Darrell Hammond Julie Andrews…..Christine Baranski
Announcer: It’s “The Courtney Love Show”, here she is, Courtney Love!
[ Courtney steps out from behind the curtains, but gets herself tangled up in them. A stagehand enters to assist her. ]
Courtney Love: [ shoves him away ] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [ stumbles to the main set ] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to “The Courtney Love Show”, I’m Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [ is handed a cigarette by the stagehand ] Alright.. come here! [ grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free ] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill Clinton. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [ clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top ] Okay, it’s time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [ leans back and lifts up leg ] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [ points to one area of her arm ] ..Alright, there’s ten, trust me, okay! Alright. My next guest.. is a woman who the press has been after, because she’s a woman who speaks her mind – like me. Please welcome Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott!
Marge Schott: [ enters set and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Hello, dear! Love that dress. You look so sexy! You look like one of those Puerto Rican street hookers!
Courtney Love: Oh, thanks, Marge! It’s so sweet of you to say that.. so sweet. So what, what happened?
Marge Schott: Well. All I said was that Adolph Hitler had some good ideas.
Courtney Love: You know what? Okay, that.. first of all.. that is the problem with thiscountry, okay? Because it’s like, a woman speaks her mind, people get all freaked out! ..You know? Did you say Hitler? Marge, you’re a fat Nazi bitch! Okay? Why do I feel like I want to make out with you? [ pounces onto Marge, as she uickly breaks free and runs away ] Whatever. Alright. Okay. My next guest.. is a woman.. [ falls asleep, then wakes up ] ..Okay, I’m back.. My next guest is the woman who told the Tony Awards where they can shove their Tony Awards. Please welcome Julie Andrews.
Julie Andrews: [ steps out and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Courtney it’s so exciting to meet you! I’ve followed your little band, Hole, since its inception!
Courtney Love: Ohh.. Mary Poppins! What is up?!
Julie Andrews: Well.. the Tony Awards snubbed my Broadway show, so I am snubbing them back by not accepting their nomination.
Courtney Love: Ohh, Julie.. I totally know what you mean.. because, people come up to me, and they’re like, “Courtney, you have such a good voice, but your band sucks.” And I’m like, “You know what? Eat me! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! [ flashes her panties ] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! What are you looking at?!
Julie Andrews: That is precisely how I feel! Courtney, I would be honored if you’d sing a song with me.
Courtney Love: Alright.. whatever..
Julie Andrews: I know.. [ stands ] Let’s do “Doe, A Deer”. [ sings ] “Doe, a deer, a female deer..”
Courtney Love: [ throws hands in the air ] “A female deer!
Julie Andrews: “Ray, a drop of golden sun..”
Courtney Love: “Sun!”
Julie Andrews: “Me, a name I call myself..”
Courtney Love: “Me!”
Julie Andrews: “Far, a long long way to run..”
Courtney Love: Wait, wait, wait, wait.. this sucks! This is totally making me, um.. a little bit dizzy..
Julie Andrews: Courtney, Courtney.. do you know “A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down.. in the most delightful waaaayy”?
Courtney Love: Yeah.. and Vodka helps it go down, also! Julie, I need to lay down, I feel tired.. I’m going to lay down, I’m so tired..
[ Courtney drops to the floor, as the stagehand tries to revive her. She slaps him off of her, as the show fades to black ]
Frank: (Said Over Happy Birthday) Brandon, Michael, cmon cake time, guys?
Susan: Did you make a wish honey?
Frank: I hope you wished for a high yield mutual fund. (Laughter)
Tom: You son of a gun Frank.
Susan: Alright, who wants cake?
Kids: me me me!
Tom: Frank, Susan, are Brandon and Michael coming?
Frank: Yeah, I called them I just dont know where they went to.
Shirley: oh no wait, there they are on top of the tool shed honey.
Frank: Oh, hey Brandon, Michael, would you do me and mom a favor and get off that shed, cmon guys I need you to be a buddy, get off the shed. What do you say, cake time, here we go cmon.
Shirley: Ill take a small piece and I mean small. Hey guys your dad wasnt joking lets get off the shed.
Susan: Ya know Johnny did you thank Brandon and Michaels parents for giving you the lion king video.
Johnny: Oh thank you
Frank: Oh youre welcome son, I just hope you enjoy watching it as much as Brandon and Michael do. GET OFF THE SHED!!
Shirley: Ya know our boys must have watched that tape 500 times, we ended up having to buy a new tape.
Frank: True story
Shirley: GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!
Tom: Well, you know our kids just love Disney.
Susan: Oh yeah, every movie we buy is Disney. All: Yeah
Shirley: Pretty soon theyll be running the government.
Shirley: I WILL SHOVE YOU TWO BACK INTO MY WOMB IF YOU DONT GET OFF THE SHED! You know, what a great day for a party.
Frank: Yeah Yeah
Shirley: I was talking to Jan Vixson just last Friday and she was telling me that (cut off)
Frank: I WILL DRIVE YOU OUT TO THE DESERT AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF AUGUST IF YOU DONT GET OFF THAT SHED!!
Shirley: I telling a story. Im telling a story
Shirley: Anyway, she was just saying how hard it is to find good entertainment for a kids party. I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE PHILIPPIANS AND SELL YOUR KIDNEYS ON THE BLACK MARKET IF YOU DONT GET OFF THAT SHED!
Johnny: Mommy, why are the man and the lady yelling?
Susan: I dont know, just dont go near the shed.
Frank: So hey birthday boy, hows it feel to be nine?
Frank: Thats adorable. I WILL DOUSE YOU IN GASOLINE AND LIGHT YOU ON FIRE LIKE THAT BUDDHIST MONK IN VIETNAM IF YOU DONT GET OFF THAT DAMN SHED!!
Shirley: IF YOU DONT GET DOWN FROM THAT DAMN SHED I WILL LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO FRUIT AND WUSSY!
Frank: I WILL TAKE YOU INTO A DARK ALLEY AND FIGHT YOU IF YOU ARENT DOWN IN TWO SECONDS!!!!
Shirley: HE WILL DO THAT AND I WILL VIDEOTAPE IT AND MAKE YOU WATCH IT EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! Together-GET OF THE SHED! GET OFF THAT SHED!
Frank: GET OFF! Michael: Dad, were right here.
Brandon: We were inside playing Nintendo the whole time.
Frank: Oh. Sorry kids, I dont have my contacts in. Hey, let’s have some cake eh?
Jim Carrey’s MonologueSummary: Posing as a spaceman with unusual personality quirks, Jim Carrey must revert to his movie catch phrases to win the approval of a lone audience member (Adam McKay) who can’t comprehend the satire.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Maybe it’s because the writers wanted to use Jim Carrey in as much of the show as possible, but Norm MacDonald performs an abbreviated Weekend Update with no guest commentaries.
Joe Pilson…..Jim Carrey Mr. Clemens…..Darrell Hammond coworker…..Will Ferrell Jill 2…..Molly Shannon Mr. Steiner…..Tim Meadows Jill…..Nancy Walls Delivery Boy…..Chris Kattan Mr. Henry…..Mark McKinney
[ open on exterior, opffice building ]
[ dissolve to interior, office filled with employees seated at desks, except for Joe Pilson, who stands while talking to client Mr. clemens ]
Joe Pilson: I don’t believe this! You’ve stolen thousands of dollars from us! We’re clearly in the right, and you’re going to file a frivilous lawsuit against us?! This is ridiculous!
Mr. Clemens: Fine! I’ll see you in court!
Joe Pilson: Hey – why don’t we just skip that. And I’ll see you.. in HELL!!
[ Mr. Clemens walks away, as the other employees around the office applaud Joe’s remark ]
Mr. Steiner: Hey, nice job, Joe!
Jill 2: Hey, yeah, you really gave it to him!
Mr. Steiner: Joe, I heard what you just said to Mr. Clemens. Let me say: Good job! [ they shake hands ]
Joe Pilson: Thank you, Mr. Steiner.
Mr. Steiner: Alright. [ exits ]
[ Joe ambles over to Jill’s desk ]
Joe Pilson: Oh, hey, Jill. Where’s that.. Clemens report?
Jill: Ohh, right. You know, I will get it to you first thing tomorrow morning.
Joe Pilson: Yeah. You’d better. Or else, you know what? [ screams ] I’ll see you in Hell!!
Jill 2: Heyyyy. [ stomps out of the office ]
[ Delivery Boy enters the office ]
Delivery Boy: Hey there, Mr. Pilson. Here’s that muffin and cappucino you ordered.
Joe Pilson: Decaf?
Delivery Boy: No.. I thought you wanted regular?
Joe Pilson: No. I said decaf.
Delivery Boy: Okay. I’ll just take it back and bring you a decaf.
Joe Pilson: Yeah, I think you will. Or else: I’ll.. see you.. in Hell!
Delivery Boy: Lighten up, huh? [ exits ]
Coworker: So, Joe, uh – I-I’ll meet you at the ball game around eight, okay?
Joe Pilson: Yeah, I think you will!
Coworker: I’m-I’m sorry?
Joe Pilson: You’ll be there by eight! You’ll be there, alright. Or, guess what? I’ll see you in Hell!
Coworker: Okay, you know, that worked for you once, uh.. but I’m thinking maybe you should give the whole thing a rest.
Joe Pilson: [ losing it ] Yeah! Maybe I should! Maybe I should give it a rest! Or maybe, I should see you.. [ moves his mouth up against his coworker’s ear ] IN HELLLL!!!!
Coworker: Alright. [ returns to his desk ]
[ Jill 2 walks up to Joe ]
Jill 2: Joe..
Joe Pilson: [ screams ] I’ll see you in Hell!
[ dissolve to exterior, office building ]
Narrator: [ over scroll ] “Six months went by, and Joe Pilson ocntinued to use the phrase, “I’ll see you in Hell” until it became so entrenched in his vernacular, that the words completely lost their power.”
[ dissolve back to interior, office, as Joe types on his computer and is interrupted by a phone call ]
Joe Pilson: Hello! No, you must have the wrong number. That’s okay. I’ll see you in Hell! [ hangs up ]
[ Jill 2 walks up ] Oh, uh, here’s tht computer disc you needed.
Joe Pilson: Thanks a lot, Jill. See you in Hell!
[ Mr. Steiner enters the office with Mr. Henry in tow ]
Mr. Steiner: Joe, this is Mr. Henry.
Mr. Henry: Hey.
Joe Pilson: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Henry. [ under his breath ] I’ll see you in Hell.
Mr. Henry: I’m sorry?
Mr. Steiner: Uh, nothing, nothing. I believe you have a payment for Mr. Henry, Joe.
[ Joe sits down and rummages through a drawer in his desk ]
Mr. Henry: [ sits next to Joe ] Well. It’s been great doing business with you, by the way.
Joe Pilson: Well. It’s a pleasure doing business with you. [ between gritted teeth ] I’ll see you in Hell!
Mr. Henry: Sorry, what was that?
Mr. Steiner: He didn’t say anything. Uh, just give him the check, Joe.
[ Joe hands the check to Mr. Henry, who frowns when he looks at it ]
Mr. Henry: I’m sorry, but this check is made out to “I’ll see you in Hell”?
Mr. Steiner: Look, I’m really sorry. Will you excuse us for a moment?
Mr. Henry: [ stands ] I just met the man, why does he want to see me in Hell? [ exits scene ]
Mr. Steiner: I don’t know. [ stands over Joe ] Look – that is enough. you’re using it in every sentence now!
Joe Pilson: That’s not true. [ a beat ] I’ll see you in Hell.
Mr. Steiner: Okay, look, that’s the last straw. I hate to do this, because I know it will give you a legitimate reason to use that phrase, but – Joe, you’re fired!
Joe Pilson: Yeah?
Mr. Steiner: Yeah?
Joe Pilson: [ stands, as the music plays a dramatic sting ] You may fire me now.. but, someoday —
Mr. Steiner: Here it comes.
Joe Pilson: Someday! As sure as I’m standing right here —
Mr. Steiner: Mmm hmm.
Joe Pilson: You’ll regret this!
Mr. Steiner: Why?
Joe Pilson: Because, my friend: I! Will see! You! In! [ tries to get the word out, but falls into a spasm instead, as his heart pounds and his body drops to the floor ]
Jill 2: [ runs into scene ] Oh! Oh, my god! QWhat do you think he was going to say?!
Mr. Steiner: I guess we’ll never know.
Jill 2: Oh!
[ dissolve to black screen, with words: “78,043,721,902 Years Later” ]
[ dissolve to the flames of Hell climbing to the sky, as Joe Pilson stands in the middle, checking his watch and rubbing his forehead impatiently ]
Joe Pilson: Man! When the heck are those guys gonna get here? [ looks offscreen, as his coworker enters ]
Joe Pilson: Heeeeeyyy!!! [ they hug ] I told ya’ I’d see ya’!
Coworker: [ laughs ] look who’s here!
[ Delivery Boy enters, carrying a bag ]
Delivery Boy: I got decaf, buddy! [ hands the bag to Joe ]
Joe Pilson: [ laughs ] Oh, you crazy man!
[ Jill 2 enters ]
Jill 2: Ohhh!! [ hugs Joe ]
Joe Pilson: Look at you!
[ Jill, Mr. Steiner and Mr. Henry also enter the scene ]
Joe Pilson: What happened? Did you guys eat in the cafeteria!
[ they all share the laugh ]
Joe Pilson: Let me show you around! Have you met Ben Franklin?
[ Joe runs offscreen, as the group, including Mr. Clemens, follows ]
[ fade ]
Man…..Will Ferrell Lifeguard…..Jim Carrey Lap Swimmer…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Man relaxing in an indoor jacuzzi, as a freaky-looking Lifeguard enters ]
Lifeguard: [ standing over jacuzzi, blowing a whistle ] Norough-housing.. in the jacuzzi! Settle down, please!
Man: You’re, uh.. you’re talking to me?
Lifeguard: Cut the horseplay, Sir.. or I’ll be forced to eject you from the swimming facility.. thank you, so much!
Man: I’m sorry.. uh.. who exactly are you?
Lifeguard: [ sits atop lifeguard chair and points at “Lifeguard On Duty” sign ] Lifeguard on Duty, Sir! If you don’t mind, I have to watch the water! [ stares intently at the water in the jacuzzi ]
Man: You’re the lifeguard for the little jacuzzi here?
Lifeguard: Correct, Sir! Continue splashing, and I’ll be forced to ban you from all aquatic activity! Thank you!
Man: you know, I’m just splashing water on myself, on my face..
Man: But I’m the only guy in this jacuzzi right now..
Lifeguard: I am on watch, Sir.. I cannot have thisconversation right now! [ stares at jacuzzi through binoculars – notices Man stretch himself across the jacuzzi, so he whips out a bullhorn ] ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! YOU ARE TOO FAR!! RETURN IMMEDIATELY!!
Man: Are you talking to me?
Lifeguard: [ waving naval flags ] Slide back to the wall! You are blocking the bubble jets! Repeat! You are blocking the bubble jets!
Man: Alright, fine.. [ slides back ] Is right here good?
Lifeguard: Watch that underow, Sir! It’ll blow you right out! [ gets up and throws divider rope across half of the jacuzzi ] Watch out!
Man: Wait.. what is this..?
Lifeguard: Siz o’clock, Sir! This side of the pool is for lap swimming only!
[ Lap Swimmer enters ]
Lifeguard: Afternoon, Mr. Garson!
Lap Swimmer: Good to see you, Frank!
[ Lifeguard blows his whistle, signalling the Lap Swimmer to jump in the jacuzzi and proceed to swim mini-laps back and forth for a minute ]
Lifeguard: [ blowing whistle ] Lap time is over!
Lap Swimmer: [ getting out of jacuzzi ] Whoo! That felt great! [ exits ]
Lifeguard: [ blows whistle at the Man ] Resume general swim!
Man: [ stands up to dry himself ]
Lifeguard: [ points bullhorn at Man’s face ] NO DIVING, SIR!!NO DIVING!!
Man: I’m not diving..!
Lifeguard: [ through bullhorn ] THE ENTIRE STAFF APPRECIATES YOUR COOPERATION!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
Man: [ sits back down and massages his foot ] Oooh.. ahh.. ow..
Lifeguard: Is there an emergency, Sir?!
Man: No! I just got a small cramp in my toe..
Lifeguard: CRAMP?! [ rushes to wall to grab life preserver and arm floaties ] Everyone, be calm! Stay away from this area! There’s nothing to see here!
Man: You’re not talking about me, are you..?
Lifeguard: Swimmer, do not panic! I am a trained professional lifesaver! [ dives into the jacuzzi and rescues the struggling Man ] Do not fight me, Sir! Just relax!
Man: What the hell are you doing!!
Lifeguard: [ throws Man against the side of the jacuzzi and snaps fingers in front of his eyes ] Can you hear me, Sir!
Man: Yes, I can you!
Lifeguard: Can you hear me!
Lifeguard: [ starts pounding on Man’s chest, hoping to revive him ] Nooo! It’s not your time yet! [ pulls Man forward and gives him mouth-to-mouth, much to the Man’s chagrin ]
Man: [ struggles free, upset ] I’m okay!! I AM OKAY!! You know, I don’t appreciate this! This is HORRIBLE!!
Lifeguard: That’s okay, Sir! You don’t have to thank me! You’ve been exposed to a horrible trauma! Just play it safe from now on! I think I’m gonna go for a little swim!
[ still inside life preserver, Lifeguarddives underwater, as the Man quickly exits the jacuzzi, to fade ]
Jim Carrey: [ moves his body like a robot, stretches his arms out toward the audience ] People of New York! I mean you no harm! Do not fear me! I come, not to destroy, but to brighten your lives through laughter and merriment! In exchange, I ask nothing more than your unconditional surrender! To “The Cable Guy”! Opening June 14th! And, perhaps, a crack at one of your freaky super models!
Our worlds are similar, yet different! Where I come from, minimum wage is $20 million! Yet, somehow, I manage to make ends meet! Some of your ways I do not undetand. Like the phrase “Over the top.” I do not understand this! where I come from, spastic facial contortions are considered the ultimate in artistic achievement! And talking out of one’s buttcrack, a sign of personal confidence!
[ the audience cheers, as Carrey lowers his arms and motions to the control booth ]
Jim Carrey: Can we just hold on for a second? Just hold on. Something is bothering me. There’s something very wrong here. You know, I’ve been up here trying to make you guys laugh since I got out here. But there’s one guy who’s really bothering me, because he’s got a stone face, and he’s not even smiling, and he’s right in the front row!
[ cut to audience member sitting stone-faced in the front row of the audience ]
And it’s really starting to get to me, you know? This guy, right here. [ points to the man and steps toward him ] Hey! What’s the problem, buddy?
Audience Member: I’m just not crazy about this whole spaceman thing, you know? It’s kind of going over my head. Can’t you be more like you are in the movies?
Jim Carrey: Oh, I see? A little smart for ya’, huh? I know what you want. [ returns to the Home Base ] You want me to come out here and go: “Allllrighty, then!”
[ audience cheers ]
Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I know that! I know that!
Jim Carrey: I bet you’d love it if I just threw out the whole monologue, and went, “Ssssssssomebody stop me!”
[ audience cheers ]
Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I knew it! That’s the good thing you do!
Jim Carrey: You want the Jim Carrey who goes: “Le-hoo.. sue-her!” Or: [ spins once ] “Ssssssssmokin’!”
[ audience cheers ]
Audience Member: [ laughing along ] That’s what I know! Yeah!
Jim Carrey: In that case.. [ sticks his teeth out wide ] “Let me show you something! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Soundgarden is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, and watch me sell out big time!
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond Sen. Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald
[ open on stock footage of Sen. Bob Dole delivering a speech ]
Sen. Bob Dole: Thank you very much!
Ted Koppel V/O: After 28 years in the Senate.. Bob Dole calls it quits.
[ dissolve to “Nightline” opening ]
Announcer: This is “Nightline.” Reporting live, from Washington – Ted Koppel.
[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: In what many are calling a political Hail Mary pass, Bob Dole, this week, resigned from the Senate, in order to devote his full energies to the presidential campaign. Here to discuss this surprising decision, is Senator – soon to be former Senator – Bob Dole.
[ cut to Bob Dole, as the audience cheers heroically ]
Sen. Bob Dole: How do you do, Ted? How do you do?
Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, you certainly seem to be in an ebulient mood.
Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles ] Well, uh – this week, Ted, with my resignation from the Senate, we’ve begun my campaign anew. I think the American people are going to give us a second look.
Ted Koppel: Senator, has the mood in your campaign been dampered at all by President Clinton’s rather startling press conference today?
Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] What press conference?
Ted Koppel: The one that concluded a few hours ago? Let’s take a look.
Sen. Bob Dole: [ more nervously ] What press conference would that be?
[ dissolve to taped footage of President Bill Clinton standing behind a podium on the White House lawn ]
[ SUPER: “The White House, Earlier Today” ]
President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming. First off, I would like to thank Senator Dole for his decades of service to our country. The Senate will be a poorer place for his absence. But I do know why he resigned.. and it got me to thinking. So, effective immediately, I am resigning from the office of the President of the United States —
[ quick cut to Bob Dole looking agitated ]
[ cut back to Clinton speaking ]President Bill Clinton: — so that my duties will not distract me from my presidential campaign. Furthermore, to ensure that absolutely nothing interferes with my quest for the presidency, earlier today, in a District of Columbia public court, I filed for divorce from my wife, Hillary, on the grounds that she was a big distraction. Thank you.
[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, your thoughts?
Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh — [ drops his pen ]
Ted Koppel: It would seem the President has one-upped you.
Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh, not at all, Ted. In fact, after much soul searching, prayer, and consultation with my wife, Elizabeth, I’ve decided that I, uh – well, uh, in order to give the Amercian people the kind of presidential campaign that they deserve – well, I can’t do it like Bill Clinton, as just a man. That’s why I intend to undergo a series of medical procedures which will permit me to campaign, not as a man, but as a kind of half-man/ half-woman. Some kind of an androgynous sex neuter.
Ted Koppel: That is absolutely astounding, Mr. Dole! I mean, how’s this going to be accomplished?
Sen. Bob Dole: [ fumbling for words ] Well, uh – uh – ah, I don’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of it, Ted! It’s kind of a grisly thing there, but I think the American people will agree that we’ve had too much of the whole male-female gridlock on Capitol Hill, and it’s time to move beyond that! Uh – well, the new gender-neutral Bob Dole is the candidate who can do it!
Ted Koppel: In other words, you plan to run – not as Bob Dole, Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, but as Bob Dole, she-male? Forgive me, Senator, but a cynic might say this is just a way of dealing with the gender gap issue, and a rather unsavory one at that.
Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – okay, Ted, how about this: Bob Dole. Not male, not female – not even human! Bob Dole, beam of pure energy! [ chuckles triumphantly ] How about that! It never tires, it never ages!
Ted Koppel: Senator, even assuming you could be converted into pure energy, where would this beam of energy be stored?
Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – well, the Bob Dole energy beam would be stored in a – in a – crystal! And then, when Congress was ready to pass real welfare reform, real deficit reduction, why Bob Dole, why, he’d, uh – he’d simply jump out of the crystal and materialize!
Ted Koppel: Like – like Obi-wan Kinobi?
Sen. Bob Dole: Yeah. Whoever that is, sure.
Ted Koppel: Senator, to be honest, I liked the she-male idea better.
Sen. Bob Dole: You did, huh? Well, uh – ah, well, you’re right, Ted Koppel! Who the hell am I kidding? I don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in this election.
Ted Koppel: I-I wouldn’t say that, Senator.
Sen. Bob Dole: Hey, hey, what about that! Bob Dole, Chinaman! Yeah! Hard working, good at math!
Ted Koppel: [ shakes his head ] Senator, I’m gonna stop now before you embarrass yourself any further.
Sen. Bob Dole: Ah, you call that embarrassment, huh? I’ll give you embarrassment right now. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Jimmy Stewart…..Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey…..Mark McKinney
Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.
[ CUT TO: Joe Pesci on his talk show set. ]
Joe Pesci: Hey! Hey, everyone, welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show.” I’m Joe Pesci! Huh? Nice, huh? Got my desk here, got my mike here, got my ice pick here – I got everything! Okay, this “Joe Pesci Show” is special, because tomorrow marks the 88th birthday of one of the greatest actors of all-time and he was my boyhood idol. And he’s here tonight! Please welcome, the legendary Jimmy Stewart!
[ Jimmy Stewart waddles out and sits on the couch. ]
Joe Pesci: Have a seat, have a seat… Mr. Stewart, welcome to my show.
Jimmy Stewart: Nice to see you, Johnny!
[ Joe gives the hand signal for senility to the audience. ]
Joe Pesci: Now Jimmy, you may be 88, but as they say, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Huh?
Jimmy Stewart: Well, then I probably died six years ago.
[ Stewart pulls out a piece of paper from his inner coat pocket. ]
Joe Pesci: This guy over here… You know, Jimmy, when I was a kid, you were my boyhood idol. And I always dreamt that one day —
Jimmy Stewart: I have a poem!!
Joe Pesci: And I had a story! But since I’m going to be around here next week, well you go ahead…
[ Joe starts puffing on a cigar. ]
Joe Pesci: C’mon… go ahead…
[ Stewart scans over the paper. ]
Jimmy Stewart: “Little Trout” by Jim Stewart —
‘I woke one day for a taste for trout.
So I got into my boat and headed out.’
Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! That was a great poem, Jimmy! My next guest is —
‘He spotted my bait and began to give chase.
When my hook went and ripped into his fishy face.
Then he looked at me like I was his friend.
So I let him go and went out for a good piece of steak.’
Joe Pesci: Hey! That was a great and beautiful story. You know what though? That reminds me of this story of when I was stabbing this guy’s head in Sheepshead Bay, you know? And I was sitting there and he was looking at me with that one good eye, you know? And I got to tell you – I was touched. I killed him anyway! Let’s bring on our next guest. A real funny guy. Here he is — Jim Carrey! He’s here!
[ Jim Carrey mugs it up as he walks in and seats himself next to Jimmy Stewart. ]
Jim Carrey: Good to see you, Joe! How are you, Mr. Stewart? Still breathing? Are you!?
[ Carrey chuckles madly. ]
Joe Pesci: Look at this guy over here…
Jimmy Stewart: Who is this clown?
Jim Carrey: Say there! Let me introduce myself…
[ Carrey hops on the couch, turns his backside to Stewart’s face, and starts playing with his ass cheeks. ]
Jim Carrey: ‘Hi there! I’m Jim Carrey! Pleased to meet ya!’
[ Carrey sits down. ]
Jimmy Stewart: Smoke a lot of dope, son? That’s a rhetorical question!
Jim Carrey: Re-eeaa-hea-lly?
[ Stewart leans into Joe’s ear. ]
Jimmy Stewart: This fellow mugs so much, you should put a handle on the side of his head.
Joe Pesci: Now Jim, I understand you do a great impression of Jimmy Stewart. Why don’t you do it? I love it. I saw you do it.
Jim Carrey: Well… I’d rather talk about my movie “The Cable Guy” opening June 14th, but here it goes [mimics Stewart’s voice] I’m Jimmy Stewart. I’m incredibly old!
Jimmy Stewart: Completely untalented! Let me show you how it’s done, son.
[ Stewart slowly rises up. ]
Joe Pesci: Take your time.
Jimmy Stewart: Here’s an impression for you…
[ Stewart his back to the camera then faces it. ]
Jimmy Stewart: I’m Jim Carrey. I’ll do anything for a laugh! I’ll do anything for attention 24 hours a day! LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!!
[ Stewart sits down. ]
Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Look over here! This guy knows what he’s doing.
Jim Carrey: Nice try, old timer! But I don’t think so.
Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Wait a second, here! Mr. Jimmy Stewart’s impression is not good enough for Jim Carrey? Huh?
Jim Carrey: Nope.
Joe Pesci: Oh… Well, I think I got an impression you just might like, Mr. Carrey.
[ Joe gets out of his chair and goes behind the couch. ]
Joe Pesci: It goes a little something like this… ‘Riddle me this, riddle me that, say hello to my big, fat bat!’
[ Joe pulls out a baseball bat and clocks Carrey over the head. Carrey exits the set. ]
Joe Pesci: Now the kid’s ready to do “Numb and Number”!
Jimmy Stewart: I have never agreed with gratuitous violence.
Joe Pesci: Yeah! Me neither!
[ Joe clocks Stewart over the head. Stewart falls to the floor. ]
Joe Pesci: What am I!? Some violent canoli sucking criminal to you!
[ Joe walks over to Stewart’s body. ]
Joe Pesci: You’re an American icon and I’m some ethnic moron!
[ Stewart arises from the floor. ]
Joe Pesci: Is that what’s going on?
Jimmy Stewart: That about sums it up! You midget mobster greaseball!!
Joe Pesci: Oh really? Well, it’s been a wonderful life, Jimmy. Unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye!
[ Joe swings the bat at Stewart, who blocks the swing and manages to snag the bat. ]
Joe Pesci: Hey… what are you doing?
Jimmy Stewart: This is a nice baseball bat. I wonder what it would look like — buried in your ass.
Joe Pesci: You think so?
Jimmy Stewart: HEY HARVEY! GET HIM!
Joe Pesci: Who’s Harvey?
[ Joe turns around to see “Harvey”. Stewart slugs the bat at him over and over. Joe screams in pain. ]
Jimmy Stewart: I kind of like this feeling… Makes me feel young again…
[ Joe gets up. ]
Joe Pesci: C’mon Jimmy… Let’s talk about this.
Jimmy Stewart: SHUT UP, GREASEBALL!
[ Stewart jabs the knob of the bat into Joe’s testicles and then into his forehead. Joe falls behind his desk. ]
Jimmy Stewart: You hear that, Clarence? Every time a Guido sings, an angel gets his wings.
[ Stewart looks into the camera. ]
Jimmy Stewart: Excuse me, son. You can shut off the camera now. Show’s over.
[ The camera stays focused. ]
Jimmy Stewart: Hey! I’m talking to you! Son of a bitch thinks I’m playing games. Well, here’s a game for you…
[ Stewart swings the bat at the camera. The lens cracks. Stewart spits into the lens. ]
Jimmy Stewart: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE ELDERLY.[singing]