SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: The Roxbury Guys



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20







95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Fellow Roxbury Guy…..Jim Carrey

Music: “What is Love”, Haddaway.

[ open on a busy New York York Street, 10:00 PM ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile. Steve and Doug Butabi and Fellow RoxburyGuy cruise to their favorite club as they bop their heads back and forth. ] [ cut to exterior, China Club, 10:20 PM ] [ interior, China Club. The crowd parts down the middle to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads at the bar. They turn around to check out the ladies who might be checking them out. ]

Doug Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Heeeey! Wanna dance? No? Okay, don’t worry about it! [ returns to the bar ]

Steve Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Hey, you wannadance? No? Alright.[ returns to the bar ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: [ jumps to the front of the crowd, bopping his head back and forth ] Who’s gonna dance? You, me? You, me? [ woman steps forward to dance with him. He struts a few moves, then he and the Butabis bounce her across each others’ chest until a bouncer throws them out of the club. ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 10:45 PM. The Roxbury Guys smoke cigarettes to the beat of their favorite song. One at a time, they toss their cigarettes out the window – except for the Fellow Roxbury Guy, who drops his cigarette in the car, as the three of them panic to put it out. ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: It’s okay! It’s out!

Steve Butabi: [ relieved ] Alright!

[ cut to exterior, Kennedy High School Prom, 11:00 PM. ] [ interior, Kennedy High School. The prom students part down the middle to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads at the punch bowl. They turn around to check out the teenaged girls. ]

Doug Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance, huh? Me? Him?

All Three Roxbury Guys: [ simultaneously ] Me? Him? Him? Me?Me? Me? Him? Him? Me? Him? Him!

Doug Butabi: [ to Steve ] It’s you!

[ Steve steps up to a young couple, pushes the guy aside and hogs the co-ed all to himself ]

Co-ed: [ annoyed ] Hey! What are you doing?

[ Doug and the Fellow Roxbury Guy cut in to bounce the co-ed across their chests. She runs off, leaving the three Roxbury Guys to bounce each other across their chests. A chaperone barges in and shoves them away from the prom. ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 11:20 PM. The Roxbury Guys talk to each other on cellphones ]

Doug Butabi: What’s up?

Steve Butabi: Nothing. It’s Steve! What’s up?

Fellow Roxbury Guy: I’m in the back, just working it! What’s upwith you?

Steve Butabi: Nothing. Later!

[ they hang up their phones and toss them out of the windows ] [ cut to exterior, Glendale Catering Hall, 11:30 PM. ] [ interior, Glendale Catering Hall. A newlywed couple are dancing at their reception. The camera slowly zooms out to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads next to the wedding cake. They move forward to grab a piece of the bride for themselves, bouncing her across their chests. ]

Groom: [ angry ] Hey, come on!

Steve Butabi: [ confused ] What?!

Groom: Get off! [ pushes the Roxbury Guys out of the reception hall ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 11:45 PM. The Roxbury Guys are enjoying their song when the CD player stops ]

Doug Butabi: [ panicking ] Something’s wrong with the CD! [ pulls it out and holds it up ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: [ frightened ] What the hell is going on?![glances at CD ] Dust! [ blows on the CD, as Doug puts it back in the CD. The song plays. The catastrophe averted, they continue to bop their heads to the music and drive through the night. ] [ cut to exterior, Golden Age Retirement Home, 11:50 PM. ] [ interior, Golden Age Retirement Home. The Roxbury Guys are feeding and hitting upon elderly women. ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, Midnight. The Roxbury Guys hold theelderly women in their laps and make out as they cruise through the night. Fellow Roxbury Guy opens his mouth and pulls out his date’s dentures, holding them proudly in the air. ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: Souvenir!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Mood Music



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18




95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Mood Music

Man…..Chris Kattan
Date…..Teri Hatcher

[ open on Man and his Date sitting on the couch in front of a bay window, sipping wine; generic music plays on the sound system ]

Date: I love this wine.

Man: Isn’t it great?

Date: Yeahhh.

Man: It’s from.. So-no-ma!

Date: Well, I really like it!

Man: [ seductively ] How about.. a little nighttime music?

Date: Why don’t you put on something.. romantic..

[ their lips move incredibly close together ]

Man: I know just the song. [ struts over to his sound system along the opposite wall, taking a seductive look back at his date ] You’re gonna love this.

[ Man puts on a Latin rhythm, as he motions back to his date. He sort of tiptoes toward the coach, gyrating his body against the couch as he leans in close for a kiss.. then suddenly jerks upward ]

Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system, turns the music off ]

Date: [ really into the music and seduction ] Wha-what is it?

Man: Nothing. I’ve just got something much better!

Date: Well, I-I kinda liked that..

Man: You liked that, you’re gonna love this – it’s per-FECT! [ looks at his date with a sexual longing ] [ Man puts on a new song, with an electronic drumbeat and records scratching. He moves closer to his date, reaching out and peeking from behind the arm of the couch like a cat, pawing at her playfully ]

Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system and turns the music off again ]

Date: What was wrong with that song..?

Man: I’ve just got something much better!

Date: Ohh.. [ slighty sarcastic ] Well, gee.. I can’t wait..

Man: [ overexcited ] I can’t, either! I can’t WAIT!! [ looks back at her again with that sexual longing ] [ Man turns on a soothing female vocal performance, then makes his way toward the couch twisting one leg around the other, then breaks into a series of pre-Mango dance moves. His Date seems slightly interested, until he begins to push the couch to the side with his thrusting pelvis; now she’s perturbed, and he senses it and runs to turn off the sound system again. ]

Man: [ upset ] Well, you obviously didn’t like that song!

Date: Well, i-it wasn’t the song.. Why don’t we just try it without the music? You know.. come on over here! Come on! [ he’s relunctant to come back ] Come on!

Man: [ shaking his head ] I-i can’t! I look like an idiot! [ motions the vast emptiness of the room, especially now that he’s pushed the couch practically out of frame ] Look all the space here! I need something to carry me over! You know, some kind of a.. rhythm.. you know? Some kind of, uh.. [ snaps his fingers ] I know just the song! [ looks at her with that sexual longing ] [ Man puts on an African beat, moving towards the couch with a dance than looks more fruity than sensual ]

Date: [ sighs ] Sit down!

Man: But I was just-

Date: [ pushes him onto the couch ] Just sit down.. Shaka Zulu! Let me show you how it’s done.

[ his Date puts on a lite jazz tune, moving toward the couch with a slow, sexy rhythm, stretching her body out and rubbing up and down her legs. She reaches the couch, rubs her hands on Man’s legs, then falls backward over the arm to kiss the Man in an upward position. ]

Man: [ suddenly busts out laughing ]

Date: [ upset ] What are you laughing at?!

Man: What.. nothing.. What are you doing with your body there! Hey, come on! It’s kind of cra-zy! What’s this? [ mimics her dance moves ]

Date: That’s it! I’m going home!

Man: Oh, no, no! I-I-I’m sorry! Wa-wait a second.. I’m sorry, okay? [ a beat ] You sure you don’t want to dance home!

Date: Oh!

Man: Come on! Let’s do that again, whatever that was! What was that?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Spade in America



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20


95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spade in America

…..David Spade

[Opens with David sitting at his desk]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade.

[cheers and applause]

David Spade: All right. Good crowd. Well, good evening. I hope you guys are having fun. The show is been going good so far. Which you may noticed, there’s a lot of talented new cast members and we’ve gotten to know them pretty well during the past 20 shows. So, let’s take a quick review of this year’s group.

[photo pf Nancy Walls]

Nancy Walls. Sweet girl. She just got married before the start of the season. I’ve been to parties with Nancy and trust me, she ain’t that married.

[photo of Mark McKinney]

Hi. I’ve been in 40 sketches this season. Name one.

[photo of David Koechner]

David Koechner. Definitely the funniest guy around the office. Not this office, but still.

[photo of Colin Quinn]

Colin Quinn. This guy got his start on “MTV’s Remote Control”. Now there’s a whole generation of kids going: “Hey, is that Colin Quinn’s dad?”

[photos of Chris Kattan and Fred Wolf]

America, you decide. Feature players? Or a couple of extras from “The Birdcage”?

[audience groans]

It’s a hit movie!

[photo of Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows. Never met him–[applause] yeah. Didn’t get to meet him. Heard he’s funny.

[photo of Molly Shannon]

Mmmm, don’t know…

[photo of Darrell Hammond]

not sure…

[photo of Will Ferrell]

…looks familiar….

[ photo of Cheri Oteri]

…did her, didn’t know she worked here. Look, I’m just messing around. This is obviously a great new cast, lot of new friends. “The Hollywood Minute” is just my was of expressing love. So, if you have a second I thought we take a look back at some of my favorite “Hollywood Minutes” from the past. So, get out your hankies and let’s take a look back at me being an ass.

[cut to Hollywood Minute segments from the early 90’s. Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays] [photo of Michael Bolton]

Michael Bolton. Big star, popular musician. But guess what? You’re bald and we all know it. I don’t care how long you’re growing your hair on the back, we know what’s happening on top. I know you sold 9 million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one.

[cut to another segment, photo of Cindy Crawford]

I saw that new Charly perfume commercial where Cindy Crawford sings…yikes! [mockingly sings monotone] “And the call it…tone deaf”. How can you do this? Cindy, what was going through your mole?

[another segment, photo of Erik Estrada dressed as Punch from “Chips”]

Hi. I need work.

[another segment, photo of Latoya Jackson]

Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

[another segment, photo of MC Hammer] [to the tune of “Can’t touch this”]

Do, dodo, do, dodo, dodo…it’s over.

[another segment, Steve Martin’s movie poster “Leap of Faith”]

And Steve Martin’s “Leap of Faith”. I was gonna see it, but I was sick that day.[Steve appears behind David sipping a drink, audience roars] He, uh…oh, yeah, oh yeah.

[another segment, poster for the film “The Bodyguard”]

And I also sat through “The Bodyguard”. [mocking Whitney Houston’s mega hit “I’ll always love you”] And… I-I-I-I-ahi-I-ahi-I-I-I want my money back.

[another segment, photo of child star Macaulay Culkin]

Hi. First off, your dad is nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid. You’re cute. You got blond hair, everyone loves you. It’s true. Here’s the catch. [photo of a 10 year old David Spade appears next to Macaulay’s photo, they’re almost identical] I used to look exactly like you when I was ten. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [points at himself] This is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to hell!

[Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays. Cut to David back live dabbing his eyes with a napkin. Big applause.]

MC Hammer jokes still make me a little misty. By the way, my former hairstylist and me are still in litigation. Anyway, it’s been a fun 6 years and uh, it hasn’t really…uh, hasn’t really. It’s been mostly mind games, but still it had it moments. Like the time I saw Elle McPherson in a quick change booth naked, accidentally. [darts eyes around] Anyway, you guys, thanks for sitting through that. Have a nice summer. We’ll see you soon.

[Spade in America logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Spade In America



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18




95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Spade In America

David Spade…..Teri Hatcher
Teri Hatcher…..David Spade

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Spade In America” with David Spade.

David Spade: Good evening! I’m David Spade – or, at least, I eill be for the next five minutes. Just go with me, here on this premise, we’re trying to keep this segment alive. sorry my piece was so late in the show, but, of course, “Update” ran long. Okay, Norm, Marion Barry smokes crack – we get it! This week, I thought I’d interview the lovely and talented, Miss Teri Snatcher. I mean, Hatcher Whoo-oops.. typo! You do know Teri Hatcher, don’t you? [ raised finger ] She’s #1. Teri? Get out here!

Teri Hatcher: [ pulls up a chair ] Oh, hi! David, it’s so nice to see you here! It’s gonna be really fun. you look great! Is this jacket cotton? [ tries to feel David up ]

David Spade: [ pulls him off ] Easy, Teri!

Teri Hatcher: What?! I’m into fabrics! I’m a girl, what’s the problem? And, this must be “felt”.. [ reaches for David’s crotch ]

David Spade: Teri! Please!

Teri Hatcher: What?! It’s the fabric! i’m intrigued by fashion! I took a class in college.

David Spade: Anyhoo.. Now, Teri, you’re on that hip show, “Lois & Clark”. How’d you wind up with that part?

Teri Hatcher: Is it really a hit show? Uh.. David, I’m glad you asked that. My agent told me that there was a great part for a semi-goodlooking girl who can yell “Help!” a different way each week.

David Spade: Well.. I’ve seen the show, and it’s obviously a high-quality show done by skilled professionals, so I’m sure that it requires a lot more talent than that.

Teri Hatcher: [ shakes head ] Not really.. no.. But the show’s starting to bore me – you know, because I’m really good – and, so, I want to do movies now.

David Spade: Oh, yeah? Well, you know, I did a movie called “Black Sheep.” Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called “Tommy Boy”!

Teri Hatcher: Uh.. yes. I did see that. You were great, David. I mean, you are very sexy on the screen. Sometimes, I rent it late at night, and then I think naughty thoughts about it!

David Spade: There is no way that you, Teri Hatcher, would find me, David Spade, remotely attractive. Remotely. Plus, I’m into guys.

Teri Hatcher: He-ey-ey! Hey! No, everybody knows that’s not true! No, no, Spade, you’re a total catch. A lot of my hot chick friends think so, too! You’re a babe.

David Spade: Well, thanks. You know, because it does take me a lot of effort to look good. I come in here two hours before each show, so the hair people can make me look like Lisa Kudrow!

Teri Hatcher: Lisa Kudrow? [ stunned ] I didn’t know people thought.. your hair looked like Lisa Kudrow..

David Spade: They do!

Teri Hatcher: Well.. you know, Tom Arnold was right. Maybe talking isn’t my best thing. [ laughs ] Which is really bad, you know, because he’s a talented guy. He’s got some good theories..

David Spade: You know, Teri, this piece isn’t really going the way I expected it to. But.. nothing I’ve done this year has been funny!

Teri Hatcher: [ removes wig ] Okay, that one’s not fair.

David Spade: Oh? Oh, really? And that remark about Tom Arnold is? [ points to fake cleavage ] And, what are those? Are those boobs? You look like a cartoon!

Teri Hatcher: Yeah, well, this is a compliment! This is how I picture you in my mind when I think about you.

David Spade: Well, that’s really interesting, because I put about a half-a-pack of Certs in my front pocket, because that’s how I think of you! Anyhow.. Teri.. we’d better wrap this up, because I’ve got to go sell out and do some more phone commercials.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, is that right? [ puts wig back on ] Well, David.. um.. I have to go do a photo shoot with my sharpei for InStyle Magazine, and then I have to go put another nude photo of myself on the Internet. So, I’d better run!

David Spade: Buh-bye! See you next week!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Spartan Cheerleaders



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spartan Cheerleaders

Principal…..Mark McKinney
Lochmiel…..Jim Carrey
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, Principal’s office somewhere in Europe – Lochmiel enters talking through a bullhorn ]

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Good morning!

Principal: [ subtitles ] Please sit down. Lochmiel, your spiritannoys the other students. You must leave South Europe High.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Where will I go?

Principal: [ subtitles ] You’re being sent to America as an exchange student.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] But I’ll miss my friends.

Principal: [ subtitles ] Too bad. So long.

[ cut to East Lake High’s Wrestling Tournament in America – non-Spartancheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheerleading the team on ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Mess him up! Mess him up!
We don’t care!
There’s a big red ambulance right over there!
Stitch him up and check his pulse,
Get ’em a bed pan!
The only one to call is Doc Kevorkian!
Hook ’em up, Let ’em drip,
Die!”

[ a pair of wrestlers topple at their feet ]

Arianna: Keep ’em on the mat! Keep ’em on the mat!

Craig: They’re sweaty! They’re sweaty! [ they sit on the bench ] I am so excited about Lochmiel joining our squad!

Arianna: I just don’t know, Craig – I don’t trust foreign spirit.

Craig: I know, but he’s a spirit machine – he never stops. Besides, he’s got some sizzling Euro moves!

Arianna: Alright, well, I guess he deserves a chance. Sorry Isnapped? [ she hugs Craig ]

[ Lochmiel runs up, speaking in his foreign language. He jumps up withCraig, then sits down and notices Arianna. ]

Lochmiel: You must be Arianna! Craig was right – you aretantalizing!

Arianna: Welcome to our country, Lochmiel. But let’s chin down, and chit-chat later, okay? [ notices the action in the match ] Oh, my God! Bridge, Tyler! Bridge, Tyler!

Craig: Bridge! Bridge! Bridge!

[ all three stand to cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Uh! Ungowa,
Spartans got the power!
We’re the winning tribe,
Just try to catch our vibe!
Nam yo ho reng gay chow!
Go Spartans!”

Craig: “Hey! Who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!”

Craig: “I said who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!

Together: “Uh-huh, Uh-huh,
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!
Asian Immigrants!”

[ Ariana jumps into Lochmiel’s arms ]

Arianna: Lochmiel.. I don’t know.. I feel all.. squooshy inside..

Lochmiel: My.. groin.. feels to be petrified..

Craig: Arianna?

Arianna: What..?

Craig: Alexis wants you.

Arianna: Where is she..? [ looks up and yells towards Alexis ] What, Alexis? What? His name is “Lochmiel”. Yeah, he’s foreign, yeah, that means he has an accent and is kind of stinky. He’s kind of stinky! He stinks! I can’t hear! Call me later, okay! [ returns to Craig and Lochmiel ]

Craig: Oh, my God! Virgil’s caught in a half-nelson!

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us now! More than ever!

[ the three of them stand up to do a rollercoaster cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Click-click-click-click-click-click!
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster!”

[ Lochmiel starts to dance, as Craig and Arianna cheer him on ]

Arianna: Go, Lochmiel! go, Lochmiel!

[ Lochmiel drops something from his pocket – Craig bends down to pick it up ]

Craig: Lochmiel! You dropped your.. [ stunned, as he realizes what the object is ]

Arianna: [ examining object ] Dexatrim? But Lochmiel doesn’t have a weight problem! [ Lochmiel hyperactively dances past ] Craig! This means Lochmiel’s spirit..

Craig: ..comes in an easy-to-swallow tablet..

Lochmiel: Hey, my friends! What is being our next cheer is?

Arianna: [ upset ] It’s called “My Gums Are Bleeding Because I’mSo Hocked Up On Diet Pills!” [ cries into Craig’s arms ]

Craig: Do you know that cheer, Lochmiel, because I thinkthat you do!

Arianna: What we had ws real, Lochmiel – but you threw itall away! What were you thinking?

[ Craig returns the Dexatrim to Lochmiel ]

Lochmiel: [ over violin music ] I was.. fooling around with thewrong crowd.. when I learned that these pills would be the shortcut to the super-spirit. I have let you down now.

Craig: Lochmiel, super-spirit doesn’t come from a pharmacy. Itcomes from within.

Arianna: Yeah. The only prescription you need is the Perfect Cheer!

[ Lochmeil tosses the pills ]

Craig & Arianna: Now let’s blow this mother out!

Lochmiel: [ confused ] Do what to my mother?

Craig & Arianna: Let’s kick it!

Lochmiel: Oh.

[ they play “I Like Big Butts” – Craig and Lochmiel bend over, as Arianna simulates pumping their butts up to size ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Spartan Cheerleaders



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18


95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Gabrielle…..Teri Hatcher

(shows the school with a sign saying: East Lake Math Club Regional Competition, and then kids taking tests and then to the Spartans)

Both: V for Victory! I said V Â for Victory!

Craig: Spread that V!

Arianna: Dot that I !

Both: Rock that C-T-O-R-Y! Whoo Spartan Spirit!!

(erasers are thrown at them from off camera and they both stop cheering to pick them up, then sit back down)

Craig: Ok we’ll take a break

Arianna: its an accident. That’s all right! Oh My God Craig! I cant believe it! Our Differential Calculus squad is really kicking some tail!

Craig: I know! I’ll say! And wait till they get a load of our herkie jump!

Arianna: bad news flash Craig, I cant do the herkie jump today, I’ve got my friend.

Craig: What??

Arianna: um, I can’t go swimming!

Craig: ohh. Hey that’s not the only friend you got, and this one wont give you cramps!

(they both hug)

Arianna: Oh My God Ronald’s approaching the chalkboard!

Both: Focus Ronald! Focus Ronald!

Arianna: OH MY GOD HE DROPPED THE CHALK!

Craig: pick it up! Pick it up! Ok he’s got it! He’s got it!

Arianna: Chalk can be slippery!

Craig: I know I know! He’s got it. He wrote .35

Both: Is it right?

Arianna: no ones saying anything…. No.

(they pause and look confused for a couple of seconds before they realize its right)

Both: Oh my God! Its right! .35! whoo! Whoo!

(they jump up to cheer)

Both: arf arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Arianna: I’m Arianna! The boys are urging but I am proud to stay a virgin!

Both: Arf Arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Craig: My name is Craig! I give good hugs! Your not my friend if you do drugs!

Both: arf! Small dog! Whoo! Whoo! Spartan spirit!

(Gabrielle walks in wearing the real Spartan Cheerleader uniform)

Gabrielle: Hi craig. Hi arianna.

Arianna: Oh my God! Gabrielle!

Craig: Gabrielle! Arent you missing the game?

Arianna: I didn’t no you liked math!

Gabrielle: Oh I Don’t. I’m here on behalf of the REAL Spartan cheerleaders. Tommy Peters has mono and we need your help,

Both: Oh My god! This is it! Now’s our chance! Oh my God!

Arianna: Gabrielle, we would be proud to join the real Spartan Squad!

Gabrielle: Not you Arianna, Just Craig.

(Arianna’s looks like she is about to cry and she keeps repeating “Oh my god” softly for the next couple lines between Gabrielle and Craig)

Craig: Gabrielle I don’t know if I’d feel right —

Gabrielle: Oh well I think you would feel just fine! And besides Arianna doesn’t like you like that

Craig: Arianna!

Arianna: The real Spartans need you Craig. Your dream is calling! Pick up the phone.

Craig: Thank you! (and he runs off camera)

Gabrielle: That was for telling everyone about my WonderBra

Arianna: Whatever!

Gabrielle: Whatever! Whatever!

Arianna: WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER!

(Gabrielle runs off camera too, leaving Arianna standing by herself)

Arianna: Oh my God! Ok right! Spirit Spirit! Come on Nathan! Your best utensil is a number 2 pencil! Come on Nathan! Come on Nathan!

(she starts to cry and sits back down. The screen changes to Gabrielle and Craig cheering at the basketball game, They are both cheering but only Gabrielle is moving around until Craig starts to, halfway through the cheer)

Gabrielle and Craig: Steady eddie eddie eddie ROCK! Who rocks the house? The Spartans rock the house! And when the Spartans rock the house, they rock it all the way down!

(Craig starts to repeat the cheer but Gabrielle stops him when she realizing he is doing the cheer moves too.)

Gabrielle: CRAIG! What are you doing? Your supposed to be standing still!

Craig: I just thought I’d throw in a trekking move! You know spice it up! You know when Arianna and I work on routines—

Gabrielle: wait a minute Craig! I make the decisions on this squad! If you don’t like it, you can go back to your buddy from planet Freak, Arianna!

(Gabrielle’s voice saying “Arianna” is echoed as the camera zooms in on Craig and a 25 second clip of a bunch of previous Spartan skits are shown, after the clips Craig runs off stage and Gabrielle comes running in on the other side and falls down)

Gabrielle: ouch! CRAIG BUCHANAN! YOU ARE DEAD MEAT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SPOT ME! AHH I CHIPPED A TOOTH! Whatever whatever —

( the screen goes back to Arianna alone cheering)

Arianna: Lucy, Charlie Brown, piano playing Schroeder! Your teams like Pigpen cause you got an odor! OPEN A WINDOW! Whoo whoo!

(she starts to cry and sits down again, and Craig runs in from the other side)

Craig: Hey! Who’s that Spartan looking so lonely?

Arianna: it’s me, It’s me. I said whose that Spartan gonna sing with me?

Craig: It’s me! Its me!

Both: Let’s turn this mother out!

(they turn on Bust a move and exit with the Perfect Cheer)

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20





95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters

Jimmy Tango…..Jim Carrey
Male Audience Member…..Fred Wolf
Female Client…..Nancy Walls
Male Client…..Will Ferrell

[ Jimmy Tango runs onto stage, wild-haired and spastic ]Jimmy Tango: Hi! Do you recognize this tub of crap? [ shows image of fat, bloated man with tiny head ] That’s me, three-and-a-half weeks ago! Since then, I’ve lost 155 pounds! [ claps ] Yes, you heard me right! I lost 155 pounds in less than three weeks! How did I lose all that gross fat? By combining the miracle of technology with ordinary street junkies! Producing this: Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters! [ studio audience applauds ] It’s this simple: wear my patented vibrating heat-bead suit, then jam an unbelievable amount of pure, raw crystal meth into your system! You might ask, “Isn’t crystal meth illegal?” You bet! But my scientist, Dr. Cody, spends his days in a tin shed deep inside a smallcanyon outside San Bernadino, constantly altering the scientific formula of a bathtub crank that keeps us one step ahead the law, and keeps you one step ahead of the fat farm! Fatties, here’s my promise: wear my vibrating heat beads, while blasting down handfuls of crrystal meth, and you’ll drop weight so fast you’ll lose your mind! Any questions? You! [ points to audience member ]

Male Audience Member: Jimmy, I like what I hear, but even though I’m not a doctor, it sounds unhealthy. Does the kind of dramatic weight loss you describe have any side effects?

Jimmy Tango: [ makes spastic twitch ] You betcha! In mycase, when I close my eyes, all I see are spiders and snails! My skin is clammy! My mouth is very dry! I think of suicide nonstop! And five minutes ago, I vomited the strangest colors into my stage manager’s fanny pack! But you know what? The main side effect is, these days when I’m wearing a blue suit, and I yawn, people don’t try to stuff a letter into my mouth! [ laughs uncontrollably ] Get off!! Folks, if you’re serious about weight loss, then you shouldn’t be afraid to.. “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] Now! Let’s talk to some of my clients! [ makes spastic jump into the audience, grinning at Female Client ] Hi, Olive Oyl! Have you always been so thin, hmm??

Female Client: No! I used to be a 220-pound land monster!And, in eight days, by “Riding The Snake”.. [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] ..I lost 124 pounds! I’ve never had a date in my life, but two days ago, I made out with Scott Baio at a party! [ studio audience applauds her achievements ] Jimmy, by using your method, I really lost weight fast! Probably too fast! The stress you put on my body made me slip into the bowels of a red nightmare! I sleep in my oven! My hair falls out in clumps! I cry when I see a tree! And I burn symbols into my housepets with a curling iron! But it’s worth it, because, these days, when I’m wearing a black jumpsuit, I look like a closed umbrella! [ laughs ] Thank you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Tango: Hey, welcome to the club, Sliver! Start liking it! I lost 180 pounds in five days, and I’m.. ecstatic! [ jumps back on stage ] Let’s hear from someone else! You-ou-ou-ou! [ points to Male Client in audience ]

Male Client: [ dressed in heat-bead suit ] I’m taking those speed pills of yours, and I’m wearing the vibrating heat beads, and by “Riding your Snake”, not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I’m the Devil! And I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its sinners! I am reborn! And I’ve got YOU to thank, Jimmy Tango!

Jimmy Tango: [ hyper ] Sounds good! But talk is cheap! Scan me!

[ Jimmy holds his hand in front of Male Client, as they both growl and hiss at each other ]

Male Client: [ blood pouring fromhis head ] Aaagghhh!! Make it stop! Make it STOP, Jimmy!! Aaagghhhh!!

Jimmy Tango: Nice try, novice! But don’t mess with the maestro! So, there you have it, folks! Use Jimmy Tango’s method, and within days you’ll drop more weight than a Tijuana crack whore! Hey! If you’re a porky puke, don’t be afraid! Come “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] And you’ll lose fat quick! If you dare!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Unabomber Defense Team



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18




95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Unabomber Defense Team

Guard…..Jim Breuer
David Kaczynski…..David Koechner
Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Leslie Abramson…..Cheri Oteri
Bald Guy From “Murder One”…..Darrell Hammond
F. Lee Bailey…..Steve Higgins

[ open on interior, jailhouse, Guard standing next to David Kaczynski ]

Guard: Okay, you’ve got 15 minutes, Mr. Kacyznski. Wait right here, and I’ll being in your brother.

David Kaczynski: Thanks a lot!

[ Guard exits hallway to retrieve Ted Kaczynski, then brings the wild man out of his jail cell ]

Ted Kaczynski: We-e-e-ell! If it isn’t my brother David! Good to see ya! Wish I could bring you up to my log cabin, but there’s about 150 FBI agents using it this weekend!

David Kaczynski: [ uneasy ] Yeah..

Ted Kaczynski: Go figure! [ laughs maniacally ]

David Kaczynski: I know.. I’m sorry about that, okay.. [ ] He-e-eyy!! I thought you got a haircut?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. I just use a little mousse with the judge, you know? [ laughs maniacally ]

David Kaczynski: Yeah, I gotcha.. hey, listen – Ted. I don’t have much time.. I feel just, just awful! Okay, you got that now? So, to make it up to you, I’ve gotten the best.. legal defense team money can buy. Now, you just wait right here, I’m gonna go get ’em, alright?

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, you know what? Don’t worry.. ’cause I’m not goin’ anywhere! Okay! [ laughs ]

David Kaczynski: Alright. Well, first off, I’ve got.. Johnny Cochran!

[ Johnny Cochran enters the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic!

Johnny Cochran: I am outraged! It’s nice to meet you. [ sits at the table ]

David Kaczynski: Now.. F. Lee Bailey!

[ F. Lee Bailey enters the room, drinking from a martini glass ]

Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic! Fantastic!

David Kaczynski: I’ve also got the lawyer for the Menendez Brothers – Leslie Abramson!

[ Leslie Abramson enters the room, frizzy hair and all ]

Leslie Abramson: Boys!

Ted Kaczynski: Alright!

David Kaczynski: And, of course, the bald guy from “Murder One”!

[ the bald guy from “Murder One” enters the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: You know what? I’m sorry I don’t have a television.. I-I’ve never seen your show..

Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Well, Mr. Kaczynski, neither has anybody else.

[ Ted laughs heartily at the joke ]

David Kaczynski: Okay, Mr. Cochran.. you begin!

Johnny Cochran: [ stands ] Alright, Mr. Kaczynski, I am outraged! To think that the FBI has the nerve.. the audacity.. the unmitigated GALL to accuse a respected mathematician hermit like yourself! To such a heinous crime! I will demonstrate to the jury that if the hood and the sunglasses don’t fit.. then you must aquit! [ sits ]

Leslie Abramson: [ stands ] Don’t you worry, Mr. Kaczynski. With the defense I have planned, there is no way they can convict you! At least, not at the first trial. Okay. Now, tell me, exactly how long were you and your brother sexually abused by your parents?

Ted Kaczynski: [ confused ] Uh.. we weren’t..

Leslie Abramson: Then I’ve got nothing. Talk to the bald guy! [ sits ]

David Kaczynski: Okay! “Murder One” guy, go ahead!

Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Mr. Kaczynski, I don’t think any of us here can emphasize enough: that I’m the bald guy from “Murder One”. Thank you. [ sits ]

David Kaczynski: That’s a good point! Mr. Bailey?

F. Lee Bailey: [ looks up ] Scotch and soda, please!

David Kaczynski: Uh.. I’m sorry?

F. Lee Bailey: Isn’t this T.J. McDougal’s?

David Kaczynski: No. It’s not.

F. Lee Bailey: Well, I’ll tell ya, Marine to Marine: I’m stinkin’ drunk! [ burps ] I just pulled 15 million stock options to get out of the pokie.. I’m gonna go find me a Happy Hour! [ exits the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: Listen, David.. I appreciate all this, but.. I’ll tell you what, I’ve run up a pretty tight legal defense of my own.. and if you folks have a minute, I’d love to share it with ya!

David Kaczynski: Sure.. yeah.. go ahead, Ted.. yeah.

Ted Kaczynski: [ drops stack of papers onto the table ] There’s Part One.. the Opening Statement right here.. and, uh.. let’s see it.. [ unfolds the paper ] Well, it begins kind of like this.. uh.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18





95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Greg Norman…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.

On Thursday, Congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals to death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty, wooden shack.

Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

In other showbiz news, it is reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I dind this a bit hard to believe.. I mean, uh.. Madonna isn’t even married! It’s like.. cra-zy!

This week, a New Jersey woman – Rita Gluzman – was charged with hacking her husband to death with an axe, gutting the body into pieces, and having a cousin dump them in a river. According to police, Gluzman learned how to do this by watching the program “Martha Stewart Living”.

In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is “One ugly bastard.”

In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26-mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face.. [ Norm grimaces ] ..at a Boston Marathon.

And, in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined $10,000 for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me..”

Norm MacDonald: Last Sunday saw the conclusion of the most celebrated tournament in the world of golf. I’m referring, of course, to The Masters. Here to share with us his impressions, is the Great White Shark himself, Greg Norman. Greg!

Greg Norman: Hi! Hi there, Norm! Good evening, folks! Now.. as many of you might remember, last weekend I took a seemingly insurmountable 6-shot lead into the last day of play at the Masters. But.. on Sunday, I squandered that huge lead and lost the ‘tourney, along with hundreds of thousands of dollars in prize money to Nick Falder. Cheers! Folks, this isn’t the first time Greg “The Shark” Norman has squanderd a huge lead! In fact, I do it fairly regularly! and, consequently, it’s been pointed out to me that perhaps “The Shark” is not really an appropriate nickname. [ holds up a picture of a shark ] You see.. the shark is not only a merciless killer, it’s an eating machine whose swallowing reflexes tops in the animal kingdom. Whereas I, unlike the shark, am actually quite merciful to my opponents. And when I try to swallow, I bloody choke! [ laughs ]

So I’ve decided to create a new, more descriptive nickname for myself. At first, I thought I’d stick with the fish theme, and call myself.. “The Trout”. [ holds up a picture of a trout ] But.. I don’t think that adequately describes the depth of my impotence. Then.. I thought I might call myself.. “The Submissive Trout”. [ holds up another photo of a trout, this one with a cartoon balloon reading “Please don’t hurt me!” ] It’s pretty similar to the regular trout, but this little bugger is sayin’, “Please don’t hurt me!” [ laughs ] Ah, but you know, that didn’t seem catchy. Then I thought, maybe my nickname could be.. Greg “The Little Girl” Norman. [ holds up a picture of a little girl ] But women’s groups complained, and rightly so. So, I considered then.. “Pippi Longstockings”.. [ holds up a photo of Pippi Longstockings ] ..and “Mrs. Butterworth”. [ holds up a photo of Mrs. Butterworth ] But, to my surprise, they were taken. So then I thought, hey! Why not “The Crab”? [ holds up a photo of a crab ] You see? ‘Cause the crab is a little fearsome – like I am during the first part of the tournament. And if you’re in the ocean, and you see that you are about to step on a crab.. well, you’d think twice about it, if you didn’t want to get your toes pinched. Of course, ultimately, a crab doesn’t scare anyone! Just like me! [ laughs ]

So.. this is Greg “The Crab” Norman, saying “Watch your toes!” Back to you, Norm! [ bounces golf ball on the desk, but faces difficulty trying to snatch it back up ]

Norm MacDonald: Greg Norman, everybody! Thanks, Greg! Thank you, Greg Norman!

Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere’s new film “Primal Fear” was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, “Hey, uh.. do you think that gerbil story is true?”

Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme: I Don’t Deserve My Girlfriend.

In California, the State Justice Department has endorsed a plan to update the term for a prostitute’s customer, from the traditional “John”, to the new, more current-sounding term “Charlie Sheen”.

And, finally, this Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the Fourth Annual “Take Our Daughters To Work Day”. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it: “Thursday”.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night, see you later!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 11th, 1996

Christine Baranski

The Cure

None

Dennis Rodman

Ryn Shiraki

Wally Feresten

Hugh Fink

Steve Higgins

Paula Pell

Joe Dicso

Andy Murphy

Adam McKay
Dole/Rodman ’96Summary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) announces his selection of Dennis Rodman for his running mate.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Bob Dole, Christiane Amanpour, Bobbi Batista.

Montage

Christine Baranski’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Christine Baranski is made the victim of numerous Polish jokes.

A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right.

Note: Repeat from 09/30/95.

The Courtney Love ShowSummary: Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) interviews Marge Schott (Darrell Hammond) and Julie Andrews (Christine Baranski).

Recurring Characters: Courtney Love.

Transcript

Get Off The Shed IISummary: Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) yells at kids again.

Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson.

Transcript

20 Years and One WeekSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) reviews decades worth of celebrity interview clips.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Loni Anderson, Sean Penn, Tony Orlando, Richard Dreyfuss, Menachim Begin, Anwar Sadat, Burt Reynolds.

The Cure performs “Mint Car”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) tries to do “Weekend Update” as a gift for his and Norm’s mom. Dennis Rodman flamboyantly reviews his new book.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Nightclub SingerSummary: An off-key nightclub singer Sally Kings (Christine Baranski) receives audience sympathy because she’s terminally ill.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade’s biggest fans, Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney), spend the day with him.

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.

Rolf on Death RowSummary: Rolf (Colin Quinn) gossips with his fellow death row inmates.

Recurring Characters: Rolf.

Goat Boy Sings Popular Songs of the 80’sSummary: Lab experiment Goat Boy (Jim Breuer)sings popular 80’s hits.

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

New Personality TraitsSummary: Employee Brian Hughes (Jim Breuer) drastically changes his personality in order to win approval from his employers (Christine Baranski, Will Ferrell).

The Cure performs “Inbetween Days”

1-600-LANSINGSummary: Phone sex catered especially for residents of Lansing.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a haunted house.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts