SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18





95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Greg Norman…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.

On Thursday, Congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals to death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty, wooden shack.

Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

In other showbiz news, it is reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I dind this a bit hard to believe.. I mean, uh.. Madonna isn’t even married! It’s like.. cra-zy!

This week, a New Jersey woman – Rita Gluzman – was charged with hacking her husband to death with an axe, gutting the body into pieces, and having a cousin dump them in a river. According to police, Gluzman learned how to do this by watching the program “Martha Stewart Living”.

In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is “One ugly bastard.”

In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26-mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face.. [ Norm grimaces ] ..at a Boston Marathon.

And, in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined $10,000 for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me..”

Norm MacDonald: Last Sunday saw the conclusion of the most celebrated tournament in the world of golf. I’m referring, of course, to The Masters. Here to share with us his impressions, is the Great White Shark himself, Greg Norman. Greg!

Greg Norman: Hi! Hi there, Norm! Good evening, folks! Now.. as many of you might remember, last weekend I took a seemingly insurmountable 6-shot lead into the last day of play at the Masters. But.. on Sunday, I squandered that huge lead and lost the ‘tourney, along with hundreds of thousands of dollars in prize money to Nick Falder. Cheers! Folks, this isn’t the first time Greg “The Shark” Norman has squanderd a huge lead! In fact, I do it fairly regularly! and, consequently, it’s been pointed out to me that perhaps “The Shark” is not really an appropriate nickname. [ holds up a picture of a shark ] You see.. the shark is not only a merciless killer, it’s an eating machine whose swallowing reflexes tops in the animal kingdom. Whereas I, unlike the shark, am actually quite merciful to my opponents. And when I try to swallow, I bloody choke! [ laughs ]

So I’ve decided to create a new, more descriptive nickname for myself. At first, I thought I’d stick with the fish theme, and call myself.. “The Trout”. [ holds up a picture of a trout ] But.. I don’t think that adequately describes the depth of my impotence. Then.. I thought I might call myself.. “The Submissive Trout”. [ holds up another photo of a trout, this one with a cartoon balloon reading “Please don’t hurt me!” ] It’s pretty similar to the regular trout, but this little bugger is sayin’, “Please don’t hurt me!” [ laughs ] Ah, but you know, that didn’t seem catchy. Then I thought, maybe my nickname could be.. Greg “The Little Girl” Norman. [ holds up a picture of a little girl ] But women’s groups complained, and rightly so. So, I considered then.. “Pippi Longstockings”.. [ holds up a photo of Pippi Longstockings ] ..and “Mrs. Butterworth”. [ holds up a photo of Mrs. Butterworth ] But, to my surprise, they were taken. So then I thought, hey! Why not “The Crab”? [ holds up a photo of a crab ] You see? ‘Cause the crab is a little fearsome – like I am during the first part of the tournament. And if you’re in the ocean, and you see that you are about to step on a crab.. well, you’d think twice about it, if you didn’t want to get your toes pinched. Of course, ultimately, a crab doesn’t scare anyone! Just like me! [ laughs ]

So.. this is Greg “The Crab” Norman, saying “Watch your toes!” Back to you, Norm! [ bounces golf ball on the desk, but faces difficulty trying to snatch it back up ]

Norm MacDonald: Greg Norman, everybody! Thanks, Greg! Thank you, Greg Norman!

Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere’s new film “Primal Fear” was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, “Hey, uh.. do you think that gerbil story is true?”

Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme: I Don’t Deserve My Girlfriend.

In California, the State Justice Department has endorsed a plan to update the term for a prostitute’s customer, from the traditional “John”, to the new, more current-sounding term “Charlie Sheen”.

And, finally, this Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the Fourth Annual “Take Our Daughters To Work Day”. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it: “Thursday”.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night, see you later!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 11th, 1996

Christine Baranski

The Cure

None

Dennis Rodman

Ryn Shiraki

Wally Feresten

Hugh Fink

Steve Higgins

Paula Pell

Joe Dicso

Andy Murphy

Adam McKay
Dole/Rodman ’96Summary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) announces his selection of Dennis Rodman for his running mate.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Bob Dole, Christiane Amanpour, Bobbi Batista.

Montage

Christine Baranski’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Christine Baranski is made the victim of numerous Polish jokes.

A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right.

Note: Repeat from 09/30/95.

The Courtney Love ShowSummary: Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) interviews Marge Schott (Darrell Hammond) and Julie Andrews (Christine Baranski).

Recurring Characters: Courtney Love.

Transcript

Get Off The Shed IISummary: Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) yells at kids again.

Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson.

Transcript

20 Years and One WeekSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) reviews decades worth of celebrity interview clips.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Loni Anderson, Sean Penn, Tony Orlando, Richard Dreyfuss, Menachim Begin, Anwar Sadat, Burt Reynolds.

The Cure performs “Mint Car”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) tries to do “Weekend Update” as a gift for his and Norm’s mom. Dennis Rodman flamboyantly reviews his new book.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Nightclub SingerSummary: An off-key nightclub singer Sally Kings (Christine Baranski) receives audience sympathy because she’s terminally ill.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade’s biggest fans, Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney), spend the day with him.

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.

Rolf on Death RowSummary: Rolf (Colin Quinn) gossips with his fellow death row inmates.

Recurring Characters: Rolf.

Goat Boy Sings Popular Songs of the 80’sSummary: Lab experiment Goat Boy (Jim Breuer)sings popular 80’s hits.

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

New Personality TraitsSummary: Employee Brian Hughes (Jim Breuer) drastically changes his personality in order to win approval from his employers (Christine Baranski, Will Ferrell).

The Cure performs “Inbetween Days”

1-600-LANSINGSummary: Phone sex catered especially for residents of Lansing.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a haunted house.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: The Courtney Love Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19





95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

The Courtney Love Show

Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon
Marge Schott…..Darrell Hammond
Julie Andrews…..Christine Baranski

Announcer: It’s “The Courtney Love Show”, here she is, Courtney Love!

[ Courtney steps out from behind the curtains, but gets herself tangled up in them. A stagehand enters to assist her. ]

Courtney Love: [ shoves him away ] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [ stumbles to the main set ] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to “The Courtney Love Show”, I’m Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [ is handed a cigarette by the stagehand ] Alright.. come here! [ grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free ] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill Clinton. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [ clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top ] Okay, it’s time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [ leans back and lifts up leg ] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [ points to one area of her arm ] ..Alright, there’s ten, trust me, okay! Alright. My next guest.. is a woman who the press has been after, because she’s a woman who speaks her mind – like me. Please welcome Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott!

Marge Schott: [ enters set and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Hello, dear! Love that dress. You look so sexy! You look like one of those Puerto Rican street hookers!

Courtney Love: Oh, thanks, Marge! It’s so sweet of you to say that.. so sweet. So what, what happened?

Marge Schott: Well. All I said was that Adolph Hitler had some good ideas.

Courtney Love: You know what? Okay, that.. first of all.. that is the problem with thiscountry, okay? Because it’s like, a woman speaks her mind, people get all freaked out! ..You know? Did you say Hitler? Marge, you’re a fat Nazi bitch! Okay? Why do I feel like I want to make out with you? [ pounces onto Marge, as she uickly breaks free and runs away ] Whatever. Alright. Okay. My next guest.. is a woman.. [ falls asleep, then wakes up ] ..Okay, I’m back.. My next guest is the woman who told the Tony Awards where they can shove their Tony Awards. Please welcome Julie Andrews.

Julie Andrews: [ steps out and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Courtney it’s so exciting to meet you! I’ve followed your little band, Hole, since its inception!

Courtney Love: Ohh.. Mary Poppins! What is up?!

Julie Andrews: Well.. the Tony Awards snubbed my Broadway show, so I am snubbing them back by not accepting their nomination.

Courtney Love: Ohh, Julie.. I totally know what you mean.. because, people come up to me, and they’re like, “Courtney, you have such a good voice, but your band sucks.” And I’m like, “You know what? Eat me! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! [ flashes her panties ] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! What are you looking at?!

Julie Andrews: That is precisely how I feel! Courtney, I would be honored if you’d sing a song with me.

Courtney Love: Alright.. whatever..

Julie Andrews: I know.. [ stands ] Let’s do “Doe, A Deer”. [ sings ] “Doe, a deer, a female deer..”

Courtney Love: [ throws hands in the air ] “A female deer!

Julie Andrews: “Ray, a drop of golden sun..”

Courtney Love: “Sun!”

Julie Andrews: “Me, a name I call myself..”

Courtney Love: “Me!”

Julie Andrews: “Far, a long long way to run..”

Courtney Love: Wait, wait, wait, wait.. this sucks! This is totally making me, um.. a little bit dizzy..

Julie Andrews: Courtney, Courtney.. do you know “A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down.. in the most delightful waaaayy”?

Courtney Love: Yeah.. and Vodka helps it go down, also! Julie, I need to lay down, I feel tired.. I’m going to lay down, I’m so tired..

[ Courtney drops to the floor, as the stagehand tries to revive her. She slaps him off of her, as the show fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: Get Off The Shed II



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

Get Off The Shed II

Frank…..Will Ferrell
Shirley…..Christine Baranski

Frank: (Said Over Happy Birthday) Brandon, Michael, c’mon cake time, guys?

(Cheering)

Susan: Did you make a wish honey?

Johnny: Yeah

Susan: Good

Frank: I hope you wished for a high yield mutual fund. (Laughter)

Tom: You son of a gun Frank.

Susan: Alright, who wants cake?

Kids: me me me!

Tom: Frank, Susan, are Brandon and Michael coming?

Frank: Yeah, I called them I just don’t know where they went to.

Shirley: oh no wait, there they are on top of the tool shed honey.

Frank: Oh, hey Brandon, Michael, would you do me and mom a favor and get off that shed, c’mon guys I need you to be a buddy, get off the shed. What do you say, cake time, here we go c’mon.

Shirley: I’ll take a small piece and I mean small. Hey guys your dad wasn’t joking lets get off the shed.

Susan: Ya know Johnny did you thank Brandon and Michael’s parents for giving you the lion king video.

Johnny: Oh thank you

Frank: Oh you’re welcome son, I just hope you enjoy watching it as much as Brandon and Michael do. GET OFF THE SHED!!

Shirley: Ya know our boys must have watched that tape 500 times, we ended up having to buy a new tape.

Frank: True story

Shirley: GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!

Tom: Well, you know our kids just love Disney.

Susan: Oh yeah, every movie we buy is Disney. All: Yeah

Shirley: Pretty soon they’ll be running the government.

All: (Laughter)

Shirley: I WILL SHOVE YOU TWO BACK INTO MY WOMB IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THE SHED! You know, what a great day for a party.

Frank: Yeah Yeah

Shirley: I was talking to Jan Vixson just last Friday and she was telling me that (cut off)

Frank: I WILL DRIVE YOU OUT TO THE DESERT AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF AUGUST IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!!

Shirley: I telling a story. I’m telling a story

Frank: Sorry

Shirley: Anyway, she was just saying how hard it is to find good entertainment for a kid’s party. I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE PHILIPPIANS AND SELL YOUR KIDNEYS ON THE BLACK MARKET IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!

Johnny: Mommy, why are the man and the lady yelling?

Susan: I don’t know, just don’t go near the shed.

Frank: So hey birthday boy, how’s it feel to be nine?

Johnny: Scared.

Frank: That’s adorable. I WILL DOUSE YOU IN GASOLINE AND LIGHT YOU ON FIRE LIKE THAT BUDDHIST MONK IN VIETNAM IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT DAMN SHED!!

Shirley: IF YOU DON’T GET DOWN FROM THAT DAMN SHED I WILL LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO FRUIT AND WUSSY!

Frank: I WILL TAKE YOU INTO A DARK ALLEY AND FIGHT YOU IF YOU AREN’T DOWN IN TWO SECONDS!!!!

Shirley: HE WILL DO THAT AND I WILL VIDEOTAPE IT AND MAKE YOU WATCH IT EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! Together-GET OF THE SHED! GET OFF THAT SHED!

Frank: GET OFF! Michael: Dad, we’re right here.

Brandon: We were inside playing Nintendo the whole time.

Frank: Oh. Sorry kids, I don’t have my contacts in. Hey, let’s have some cake eh?

Submitted by: Andrew

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>








Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 18th, 1996

Jim Carrey

Soundgarden

None

Adam McKay

John G. Connolly

Joe Dicso
NightlineSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) desperately tries to change his image in order to one-up President Clinton in the Fall election.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bob Dole, President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Jim Carrey’s MonologueSummary: Posing as a spaceman with unusual personality quirks, Jim Carrey must revert to his movie catch phrases to win the approval of a lone audience member (Adam McKay) who can’t comprehend the satire.

Transcript

SpartansSummary: Foreign exchange student, Lochmiel (Jim Carrey), joins Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna’s (Cheri Oteri) cheer squad.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

Roxbury GuysSummary: A new club hopper (Jim Carrey) joins Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) in a wild night crashing a club, a wedding, and a retirement home.

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Transcript

Overprotective LifeguardSummary: An overprotective lifeguard (Jim Carrey) keeps an extremely close eye on a man in a jacuzzi (Will Ferrell).

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Maybe it’s because the writers wanted to use Jim Carrey in as much of the show as possible, but Norm MacDonald performs an abbreviated Weekend Update with no guest commentaries.

Transcript

Soundgarden performs “Pretty Noose”

I’ll See You In Hell!Summary: Joe Pilson’s (Jim Carrey) nonstop use of the phrase “I’ll see you in Hell!’ at the office nullifies its impact.

Transcript

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade pokes fun at the new cast, then looks back on his favorite moments from the “Hollywood Minute.”

Transcript

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Jimmy Stewart (Jim Carrey) doesn’t approve of Jim Carrey’s (Mark McKinney) impression of him, nor Joe Pesci’s (Jim Breuer) violent behavior.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Jimmy Stewart, Jim Carrey.

Transcript

Soundgarden performs “Burden In My Hand”

Jimmy Tango’s Fat BustersSummary: Jimmy Tango (Jim Carrey) shows how to burn pounds with heat beads and crystal meth.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Goodnights

…..Jim Carrey

[ Jim Carrey stands with his arm around Joe Dicso ]

Jim Carrey: It’s Joe Dicso’s last night here, ladies and gentlemen! He’s been here for 21 years – he’s seen it all!

[ the audience cheers for Joe ]

I’d like to thank Soundgarden! Thank you! I had a wonderful time! It’s a great cast! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: I’ll See You In Hell!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

I’ll See You In Hell!

Joe Pilson…..Jim Carrey
Mr. Clemens…..Darrell Hammond
coworker…..Will Ferrell
Jill 2…..Molly Shannon
Mr. Steiner…..Tim Meadows
Jill…..Nancy Walls
Delivery Boy…..Chris Kattan
Mr. Henry…..Mark McKinney

[ open on exterior, opffice building ] [ dissolve to interior, office filled with employees seated at desks, except for Joe Pilson, who stands while talking to client Mr. clemens ]

Joe Pilson: I don’t believe this! You’ve stolen thousands of dollars from us! We’re clearly in the right, and you’re going to file a frivilous lawsuit against us?! This is ridiculous!

Mr. Clemens: Fine! I’ll see you in court!

Joe Pilson: Hey – why don’t we just skip that. And I’ll see you.. in HELL!!

[ Mr. Clemens walks away, as the other employees around the office applaud Joe’s remark ]

Coworker: Alright!

Mr. Steiner: Hey, nice job, Joe!

Jill 2: Hey, yeah, you really gave it to him!

Mr. Steiner: Joe, I heard what you just said to Mr. Clemens. Let me say: Good job! [ they shake hands ]

Joe Pilson: Thank you, Mr. Steiner.

Mr. Steiner: Alright. [ exits ] [ Joe ambles over to Jill’s desk ]

Joe Pilson: Oh, hey, Jill. Where’s that.. Clemens report?

Jill: Ohh, right. You know, I will get it to you first thing tomorrow morning.

Joe Pilson: Yeah. You’d better. Or else, you know what? [ screams ] I’ll see you in Hell!!

Jill 2: Heyyyy. [ stomps out of the office ] [ Delivery Boy enters the office ]

Delivery Boy: Hey there, Mr. Pilson. Here’s that muffin and cappucino you ordered.

Joe Pilson: Decaf?

Delivery Boy: No.. I thought you wanted regular?

Joe Pilson: No. I said decaf.

Delivery Boy: Okay. I’ll just take it back and bring you a decaf.

Joe Pilson: Yeah, I think you will. Or else: I’ll.. see you.. in Hell!

Delivery Boy: Lighten up, huh? [ exits ]

Coworker: So, Joe, uh – I-I’ll meet you at the ball game around eight, okay?

Joe Pilson: Yeah, I think you will!

Coworker: I’m-I’m sorry?

Joe Pilson: You’ll be there by eight! You’ll be there, alright. Or, guess what? I’ll see you in Hell!

Coworker: Okay, you know, that worked for you once, uh.. but I’m thinking maybe you should give the whole thing a rest.

Joe Pilson: [ losing it ] Yeah! Maybe I should! Maybe I should give it a rest! Or maybe, I should see you.. [ moves his mouth up against his coworker’s ear ] IN HELLLL!!!!

Coworker: Alright. [ returns to his desk ] [ Jill 2 walks up to Joe ]

Jill 2: Joe..

Joe Pilson: [ screams ] I’ll see you in Hell!

[ dissolve to exterior, office building ]

Narrator: [ over scroll ] “Six months went by, and Joe Pilson ocntinued to use the phrase, “I’ll see you in Hell” until it became so entrenched in his vernacular, that the words completely lost their power.”

[ dissolve back to interior, office, as Joe types on his computer and is interrupted by a phone call ]

Joe Pilson: Hello! No, you must have the wrong number. That’s okay. I’ll see you in Hell! [ hangs up ] [ Jill 2 walks up ] Oh, uh, here’s tht computer disc you needed.

Joe Pilson: Thanks a lot, Jill. See you in Hell!

[ Mr. Steiner enters the office with Mr. Henry in tow ]

Mr. Steiner: Joe, this is Mr. Henry.

Mr. Henry: Hey.

Joe Pilson: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Henry. [ under his breath ] I’ll see you in Hell.

Mr. Henry: I’m sorry?

Mr. Steiner: Uh, nothing, nothing. I believe you have a payment for Mr. Henry, Joe.

[ Joe sits down and rummages through a drawer in his desk ]

Mr. Henry: [ sits next to Joe ] Well. It’s been great doing business with you, by the way.

Joe Pilson: Well. It’s a pleasure doing business with you. [ between gritted teeth ] I’ll see you in Hell!

Mr. Henry: Sorry, what was that?

Mr. Steiner: He didn’t say anything. Uh, just give him the check, Joe.

[ Joe hands the check to Mr. Henry, who frowns when he looks at it ]

Mr. Henry: I’m sorry, but this check is made out to “I’ll see you in Hell”?

Mr. Steiner: Look, I’m really sorry. Will you excuse us for a moment?

Mr. Henry: [ stands ] I just met the man, why does he want to see me in Hell? [ exits scene ]

Mr. Steiner: I don’t know. [ stands over Joe ] Look – that is enough. you’re using it in every sentence now!

Joe Pilson: That’s not true. [ a beat ] I’ll see you in Hell.

Mr. Steiner: Okay, look, that’s the last straw. I hate to do this, because I know it will give you a legitimate reason to use that phrase, but – Joe, you’re fired!

Joe Pilson: Yeah?

Mr. Steiner: Yeah?

Joe Pilson: [ stands, as the music plays a dramatic sting ] You may fire me now.. but, someoday —

Mr. Steiner: Here it comes.

Joe Pilson: Someday! As sure as I’m standing right here —

Mr. Steiner: Mmm hmm.

Joe Pilson: You’ll regret this!

Mr. Steiner: Why?

Joe Pilson: Because, my friend: I! Will see! You! In! [ tries to get the word out, but falls into a spasm instead, as his heart pounds and his body drops to the floor ]

Jill 2: [ runs into scene ] Oh! Oh, my god! QWhat do you think he was going to say?!

Mr. Steiner: I guess we’ll never know.

Jill 2: Oh!

[ dissolve to black screen, with words: “78,043,721,902 Years Later” ] [ dissolve to the flames of Hell climbing to the sky, as Joe Pilson stands in the middle, checking his watch and rubbing his forehead impatiently ]

Joe Pilson: Man! When the heck are those guys gonna get here? [ looks offscreen, as his coworker enters ]

Coworker: Heeeeyyy!!

Joe Pilson: Heeeeeyyy!!! [ they hug ] I told ya’ I’d see ya’!

Coworker: [ laughs ] look who’s here!

[ Delivery Boy enters, carrying a bag ]

Delivery Boy: I got decaf, buddy! [ hands the bag to Joe ]

Joe Pilson: [ laughs ] Oh, you crazy man!

[ Jill 2 enters ]

Jill 2: Ohhh!! [ hugs Joe ]

Joe Pilson: Look at you!

[ Jill, Mr. Steiner and Mr. Henry also enter the scene ]

Joe Pilson: What happened? Did you guys eat in the cafeteria!

[ they all share the laugh ]

Joe Pilson: Let me show you around! Have you met Ben Franklin?

Everyone: Nooo!!

[ Joe runs offscreen, as the group, including Mr. Clemens, follows ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Overprotective Lifeguard



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20





95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Overprotective Lifeguard

Man…..Will Ferrell
Lifeguard…..Jim Carrey
Lap Swimmer…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Man relaxing in an indoor jacuzzi, as a freaky-looking Lifeguard enters ]

Lifeguard: [ standing over jacuzzi, blowing a whistle ] Norough-housing.. in the jacuzzi! Settle down, please!

Man: You’re, uh.. you’re talking to me?

Lifeguard: Cut the horseplay, Sir.. or I’ll be forced to eject you from the swimming facility.. thank you, so much!

Man: I’m sorry.. uh.. who exactly are you?

Lifeguard: [ sits atop lifeguard chair and points at “Lifeguard On Duty” sign ] Lifeguard on Duty, Sir! If you don’t mind, I have to watch the water! [ stares intently at the water in the jacuzzi ]

Man: You’re the lifeguard for the little jacuzzi here?

Lifeguard: Correct, Sir! Continue splashing, and I’ll be forced to ban you from all aquatic activity! Thank you!

Man: you know, I’m just splashing water on myself, on my face..

Lifeguard:

Man: But I’m the only guy in this jacuzzi right now..

Lifeguard: I am on watch, Sir.. I cannot have thisconversation right now! [ stares at jacuzzi through binoculars – notices Man stretch himself across the jacuzzi, so he whips out a bullhorn ] ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! YOU ARE TOO FAR!! RETURN IMMEDIATELY!!

Man: Are you talking to me?

Lifeguard: [ waving naval flags ] Slide back to the wall! You are blocking the bubble jets! Repeat! You are blocking the bubble jets!

Man: Alright, fine.. [ slides back ] Is right here good?

Lifeguard: Watch that underow, Sir! It’ll blow you right out! [ gets up and throws divider rope across half of the jacuzzi ] Watch out!

Man: Wait.. what is this..?

Lifeguard: Siz o’clock, Sir! This side of the pool is for lap swimming only!

Man: What?

[ Lap Swimmer enters ]

Lifeguard: Afternoon, Mr. Garson!

Lap Swimmer: Good to see you, Frank!

[ Lifeguard blows his whistle, signalling the Lap Swimmer to jump in the jacuzzi and proceed to swim mini-laps back and forth for a minute ]

Lifeguard: [ blowing whistle ] Lap time is over!

Lap Swimmer: [ getting out of jacuzzi ] Whoo! That felt great! [ exits ]

Lifeguard: [ blows whistle at the Man ] Resume general swim!

Man: [ stands up to dry himself ]

Lifeguard: [ points bullhorn at Man’s face ] NO DIVING, SIR!!NO DIVING!!

Man: I’m not diving..!

Lifeguard: [ through bullhorn ] THE ENTIRE STAFF APPRECIATES YOUR COOPERATION!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Man: [ sits back down and massages his foot ] Oooh.. ahh.. ow..

Lifeguard: Is there an emergency, Sir?!

Man: No! I just got a small cramp in my toe..

Lifeguard: CRAMP?! [ rushes to wall to grab life preserver and arm floaties ] Everyone, be calm! Stay away from this area! There’s nothing to see here!

Man: You’re not talking about me, are you..?

Lifeguard: Swimmer, do not panic! I am a trained professional lifesaver! [ dives into the jacuzzi and rescues the struggling Man ] Do not fight me, Sir! Just relax!

Man: What the hell are you doing!!

Lifeguard: [ throws Man against the side of the jacuzzi and snaps fingers in front of his eyes ] Can you hear me, Sir!

Man: Yes, I can you!

Lifeguard: Can you hear me!

Man: Yes!

Lifeguard: [ starts pounding on Man’s chest, hoping to revive him ] Nooo! It’s not your time yet! [ pulls Man forward and gives him mouth-to-mouth, much to the Man’s chagrin ]

Man: [ struggles free, upset ] I’m okay!! I AM OKAY!! You know, I don’t appreciate this! This is HORRIBLE!!

Lifeguard: That’s okay, Sir! You don’t have to thank me! You’ve been exposed to a horrible trauma! Just play it safe from now on! I think I’m gonna go for a little swim!

[ still inside life preserver, Lifeguarddives underwater, as the Man quickly exits the jacuzzi, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Jim Carrey’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jim Carrey’s Monologue

…..Jim Carrey
Audience Member…..Adam McKay

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jim Carrey!

Jim Carrey: [ moves his body like a robot, stretches his arms out toward the audience ] People of New York! I mean you no harm! Do not fear me! I come, not to destroy, but to brighten your lives through laughter and merriment! In exchange, I ask nothing more than your unconditional surrender! To “The Cable Guy”! Opening June 14th! And, perhaps, a crack at one of your freaky super models!

Our worlds are similar, yet different! Where I come from, minimum wage is $20 million! Yet, somehow, I manage to make ends meet! Some of your ways I do not undetand. Like the phrase “Over the top.” I do not understand this! where I come from, spastic facial contortions are considered the ultimate in artistic achievement! And talking out of one’s buttcrack, a sign of personal confidence!

[ the audience cheers, as Carrey lowers his arms and motions to the control booth ]

Jim Carrey: Can we just hold on for a second? Just hold on. Something is bothering me. There’s something very wrong here. You know, I’ve been up here trying to make you guys laugh since I got out here. But there’s one guy who’s really bothering me, because he’s got a stone face, and he’s not even smiling, and he’s right in the front row!

[ cut to audience member sitting stone-faced in the front row of the audience ]

And it’s really starting to get to me, you know? This guy, right here. [ points to the man and steps toward him ] Hey! What’s the problem, buddy?

Audience Member: I’m just not crazy about this whole spaceman thing, you know? It’s kind of going over my head. Can’t you be more like you are in the movies?

Jim Carrey: Oh, I see? A little smart for ya’, huh? I know what you want. [ returns to the Home Base ] You want me to come out here and go: “Allllrighty, then!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I know that! I know that!

Jim Carrey: I bet you’d love it if I just threw out the whole monologue, and went, “Ssssssssomebody stop me!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I knew it! That’s the good thing you do!

Jim Carrey: You want the Jim Carrey who goes: “Le-hoo.. sue-her!” Or: [ spins once ] “Ssssssssmokin’!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] That’s what I know! Yeah!

Jim Carrey: In that case.. [ sticks his teeth out wide ] “Let me show you something! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Soundgarden is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, and watch me sell out big time!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Nightline



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on stock footage of Sen. Bob Dole delivering a speech ]

Sen. Bob Dole: Thank you very much!

Ted Koppel V/O: After 28 years in the Senate.. Bob Dole calls it quits.

[ dissolve to “Nightline” opening ]

Announcer: This is “Nightline.” Reporting live, from Washington – Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: In what many are calling a political Hail Mary pass, Bob Dole, this week, resigned from the Senate, in order to devote his full energies to the presidential campaign. Here to discuss this surprising decision, is Senator – soon to be former Senator – Bob Dole.

[ cut to Bob Dole, as the audience cheers heroically ]

Sen. Bob Dole: How do you do, Ted? How do you do?

Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, you certainly seem to be in an ebulient mood.

Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles ] Well, uh – this week, Ted, with my resignation from the Senate, we’ve begun my campaign anew. I think the American people are going to give us a second look.

Ted Koppel: Senator, has the mood in your campaign been dampered at all by President Clinton’s rather startling press conference today?

Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] What press conference?

Ted Koppel: The one that concluded a few hours ago? Let’s take a look.

Sen. Bob Dole: [ more nervously ] What press conference would that be?

[ dissolve to taped footage of President Bill Clinton standing behind a podium on the White House lawn ] [ SUPER: “The White House, Earlier Today” ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming. First off, I would like to thank Senator Dole for his decades of service to our country. The Senate will be a poorer place for his absence. But I do know why he resigned.. and it got me to thinking. So, effective immediately, I am resigning from the office of the President of the United States —

[ quick cut to Bob Dole looking agitated ] [ cut back to Clinton speaking ]President Bill Clinton: — so that my duties will not distract me from my presidential campaign. Furthermore, to ensure that absolutely nothing interferes with my quest for the presidency, earlier today, in a District of Columbia public court, I filed for divorce from my wife, Hillary, on the grounds that she was a big distraction. Thank you.

[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, your thoughts?

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh — [ drops his pen ]

Ted Koppel: It would seem the President has one-upped you.

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh, not at all, Ted. In fact, after much soul searching, prayer, and consultation with my wife, Elizabeth, I’ve decided that I, uh – well, uh, in order to give the Amercian people the kind of presidential campaign that they deserve – well, I can’t do it like Bill Clinton, as just a man. That’s why I intend to undergo a series of medical procedures which will permit me to campaign, not as a man, but as a kind of half-man/ half-woman. Some kind of an androgynous sex neuter.

Ted Koppel: That is absolutely astounding, Mr. Dole! I mean, how’s this going to be accomplished?

Sen. Bob Dole: [ fumbling for words ] Well, uh – uh – ah, I don’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of it, Ted! It’s kind of a grisly thing there, but I think the American people will agree that we’ve had too much of the whole male-female gridlock on Capitol Hill, and it’s time to move beyond that! Uh – well, the new gender-neutral Bob Dole is the candidate who can do it!

Ted Koppel: In other words, you plan to run – not as Bob Dole, Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, but as Bob Dole, she-male? Forgive me, Senator, but a cynic might say this is just a way of dealing with the gender gap issue, and a rather unsavory one at that.

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – okay, Ted, how about this: Bob Dole. Not male, not female – not even human! Bob Dole, beam of pure energy! [ chuckles triumphantly ] How about that! It never tires, it never ages!

Ted Koppel: Senator, even assuming you could be converted into pure energy, where would this beam of energy be stored?

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – well, the Bob Dole energy beam would be stored in a – in a – crystal! And then, when Congress was ready to pass real welfare reform, real deficit reduction, why Bob Dole, why, he’d, uh – he’d simply jump out of the crystal and materialize!

Ted Koppel: Like – like Obi-wan Kinobi?

Sen. Bob Dole: Yeah. Whoever that is, sure.

Ted Koppel: Senator, to be honest, I liked the she-male idea better.

Sen. Bob Dole: You did, huh? Well, uh – ah, well, you’re right, Ted Koppel! Who the hell am I kidding? I don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in this election.

Ted Koppel: I-I wouldn’t say that, Senator.

Sen. Bob Dole: Hey, hey, what about that! Bob Dole, Chinaman! Yeah! Hard working, good at math!

Ted Koppel: [ shakes his head ] Senator, I’m gonna stop now before you embarrass yourself any further.

Sen. Bob Dole: Ah, you call that embarrassment, huh? I’ll give you embarrassment right now. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts