SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Nightline

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden


Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on stock footage of Sen. Bob Dole delivering a speech ]

Sen. Bob Dole: Thank you very much!

Ted Koppel V/O: After 28 years in the Senate.. Bob Dole calls it quits.

[ dissolve to “Nightline” opening ]

Announcer: This is “Nightline.” Reporting live, from Washington – Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: In what many are calling a political Hail Mary pass, Bob Dole, this week, resigned from the Senate, in order to devote his full energies to the presidential campaign. Here to discuss this surprising decision, is Senator – soon to be former Senator – Bob Dole.

[ cut to Bob Dole, as the audience cheers heroically ]

Sen. Bob Dole: How do you do, Ted? How do you do?

Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, you certainly seem to be in an ebulient mood.

Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles ] Well, uh – this week, Ted, with my resignation from the Senate, we’ve begun my campaign anew. I think the American people are going to give us a second look.

Ted Koppel: Senator, has the mood in your campaign been dampered at all by President Clinton’s rather startling press conference today?

Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] What press conference?

Ted Koppel: The one that concluded a few hours ago? Let’s take a look.

Sen. Bob Dole: [ more nervously ] What press conference would that be?

[ dissolve to taped footage of President Bill Clinton standing behind a podium on the White House lawn ] [ SUPER: “The White House, Earlier Today” ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming. First off, I would like to thank Senator Dole for his decades of service to our country. The Senate will be a poorer place for his absence. But I do know why he resigned.. and it got me to thinking. So, effective immediately, I am resigning from the office of the President of the United States —

[ quick cut to Bob Dole looking agitated ] [ cut back to Clinton speaking ]President Bill Clinton: — so that my duties will not distract me from my presidential campaign. Furthermore, to ensure that absolutely nothing interferes with my quest for the presidency, earlier today, in a District of Columbia public court, I filed for divorce from my wife, Hillary, on the grounds that she was a big distraction. Thank you.

[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, your thoughts?

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh — [ drops his pen ]

Ted Koppel: It would seem the President has one-upped you.

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh, not at all, Ted. In fact, after much soul searching, prayer, and consultation with my wife, Elizabeth, I’ve decided that I, uh – well, uh, in order to give the Amercian people the kind of presidential campaign that they deserve – well, I can’t do it like Bill Clinton, as just a man. That’s why I intend to undergo a series of medical procedures which will permit me to campaign, not as a man, but as a kind of half-man/ half-woman. Some kind of an androgynous sex neuter.

Ted Koppel: That is absolutely astounding, Mr. Dole! I mean, how’s this going to be accomplished?

Sen. Bob Dole: [ fumbling for words ] Well, uh – uh – ah, I don’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of it, Ted! It’s kind of a grisly thing there, but I think the American people will agree that we’ve had too much of the whole male-female gridlock on Capitol Hill, and it’s time to move beyond that! Uh – well, the new gender-neutral Bob Dole is the candidate who can do it!

Ted Koppel: In other words, you plan to run – not as Bob Dole, Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, but as Bob Dole, she-male? Forgive me, Senator, but a cynic might say this is just a way of dealing with the gender gap issue, and a rather unsavory one at that.

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – okay, Ted, how about this: Bob Dole. Not male, not female – not even human! Bob Dole, beam of pure energy! [ chuckles triumphantly ] How about that! It never tires, it never ages!

Ted Koppel: Senator, even assuming you could be converted into pure energy, where would this beam of energy be stored?

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – well, the Bob Dole energy beam would be stored in a – in a – crystal! And then, when Congress was ready to pass real welfare reform, real deficit reduction, why Bob Dole, why, he’d, uh – he’d simply jump out of the crystal and materialize!

Ted Koppel: Like – like Obi-wan Kinobi?

Sen. Bob Dole: Yeah. Whoever that is, sure.

Ted Koppel: Senator, to be honest, I liked the she-male idea better.

Sen. Bob Dole: You did, huh? Well, uh – ah, well, you’re right, Ted Koppel! Who the hell am I kidding? I don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in this election.

Ted Koppel: I-I wouldn’t say that, Senator.

Sen. Bob Dole: Hey, hey, what about that! Bob Dole, Chinaman! Yeah! Hard working, good at math!

Ted Koppel: [ shakes his head ] Senator, I’m gonna stop now before you embarrass yourself any further.

Sen. Bob Dole: Ah, you call that embarrassment, huh? I’ll give you embarrassment right now. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: The Joe Pesci Show

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Jimmy Stewart…..Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[ CUT TO: Joe Pesci on his talk show set. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey! Hey, everyone, welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show.” I’m Joe Pesci! Huh? Nice, huh? Got my desk here, got my mike here, got my ice pick here – I got everything! Okay, this “Joe Pesci Show” is special, because tomorrow marks the 88th birthday of one of the greatest actors of all-time and he was my boyhood idol. And he’s here tonight! Please welcome, the legendary Jimmy Stewart!

[ Jimmy Stewart waddles out and sits on the couch. ]

Joe Pesci: Have a seat, have a seat… Mr. Stewart, welcome to my show.

Jimmy Stewart: Nice to see you, Johnny!

[ Joe gives the hand signal for senility to the audience. ]

Joe Pesci: Now Jimmy, you may be 88, but as they say, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Huh?

Jimmy Stewart: Well, then I probably died six years ago.

[ Stewart pulls out a piece of paper from his inner coat pocket. ]

Joe Pesci: This guy over here… You know, Jimmy, when I was a kid, you were my boyhood idol. And I always dreamt that one day —

Jimmy Stewart: I have a poem!!

Joe Pesci: And I had a story! But since I’m going to be around here next week, well you go ahead…

[ Joe starts puffing on a cigar. ]

Joe Pesci: C’mon… go ahead…

[ Stewart scans over the paper. ]

Jimmy Stewart: “Little Trout” by Jim Stewart —
‘I woke one day for a taste for trout.
So I got into my boat and headed out.’

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! That was a great poem, Jimmy! My next guest is —

Jimmy Stewart:
‘He spotted my bait and began to give chase.
When my hook went and ripped into his fishy face.
Then he looked at me like I was his friend.
So I let him go and went out for a good piece of steak.’

Joe Pesci: Hey! That was a great and beautiful story. You know what though? That reminds me of this story of when I was stabbing this guy’s head in Sheepshead Bay, you know? And I was sitting there and he was looking at me with that one good eye, you know? And I got to tell you – I was touched. I killed him anyway! Let’s bring on our next guest. A real funny guy. Here he is — Jim Carrey! He’s here!

[ Jim Carrey mugs it up as he walks in and seats himself next to Jimmy Stewart. ]

Jim Carrey: Good to see you, Joe! How are you, Mr. Stewart? Still breathing? Are you!?

[ Carrey chuckles madly. ]

Joe Pesci: Look at this guy over here…

Jimmy Stewart: Who is this clown?

Jim Carrey: Say there! Let me introduce myself…

[ Carrey hops on the couch, turns his backside to Stewart’s face, and starts playing with his ass cheeks. ]

Jim Carrey: ‘Hi there! I’m Jim Carrey! Pleased to meet ya!’

[ Carrey sits down. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Smoke a lot of dope, son? That’s a rhetorical question!

Jim Carrey: Re-eeaa-hea-lly?

[ Stewart leans into Joe’s ear. ]

Jimmy Stewart: This fellow mugs so much, you should put a handle on the side of his head.

Joe Pesci: Now Jim, I understand you do a great impression of Jimmy Stewart. Why don’t you do it? I love it. I saw you do it.

Jim Carrey: Well… I’d rather talk about my movie “The Cable Guy” opening June 14th, but here it goes [mimics Stewart’s voice] I’m Jimmy Stewart. I’m incredibly old!

Jimmy Stewart: Completely untalented! Let me show you how it’s done, son.

[ Stewart slowly rises up. ]

Joe Pesci: Take your time.

Jimmy Stewart: Here’s an impression for you…

[ Stewart his back to the camera then faces it. ]

Jimmy Stewart: I’m Jim Carrey. I’ll do anything for a laugh! I’ll do anything for attention 24 hours a day! LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!!

[ Stewart sits down. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Look over here! This guy knows what he’s doing.

Jim Carrey: Nice try, old timer! But I don’t think so.

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Wait a second, here! Mr. Jimmy Stewart’s impression is not good enough for Jim Carrey? Huh?

Jim Carrey: Nope.

Joe Pesci: Oh… Well, I think I got an impression you just might like, Mr. Carrey.

[ Joe gets out of his chair and goes behind the couch. ]

Joe Pesci: It goes a little something like this… ‘Riddle me this, riddle me that, say hello to my big, fat bat!’

[ Joe pulls out a baseball bat and clocks Carrey over the head. Carrey exits the set. ]

Joe Pesci: Now the kid’s ready to do “Numb and Number”!

Jimmy Stewart: I have never agreed with gratuitous violence.

Joe Pesci: Yeah! Me neither!

[ Joe clocks Stewart over the head. Stewart falls to the floor. ]

Joe Pesci: What am I!? Some violent canoli sucking criminal to you!

[ Joe walks over to Stewart’s body. ]

Joe Pesci: You’re an American icon and I’m some ethnic moron!

[ Stewart arises from the floor. ]

Joe Pesci: Is that what’s going on?

Jimmy Stewart: That about sums it up! You midget mobster greaseball!!

Joe Pesci: Oh really? Well, it’s been a wonderful life, Jimmy. Unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye!

[ Joe swings the bat at Stewart, who blocks the swing and manages to snag the bat. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey… what are you doing?

Jimmy Stewart: This is a nice baseball bat. I wonder what it would look like — buried in your ass.

Joe Pesci: You think so?

Jimmy Stewart: HEY HARVEY! GET HIM!

Joe Pesci: Who’s Harvey?

[ Joe turns around to see “Harvey”. Stewart slugs the bat at him over and over. Joe screams in pain. ]

Jimmy Stewart: I kind of like this feeling… Makes me feel young again…

[ Joe gets up. ]

Joe Pesci: C’mon Jimmy… Let’s talk about this.


[ Stewart jabs the knob of the bat into Joe’s testicles and then into his forehead. Joe falls behind his desk. ]

Jimmy Stewart: You hear that, Clarence? Every time a Guido sings, an angel gets his wings.

[ Stewart looks into the camera. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Excuse me, son. You can shut off the camera now. Show’s over.

[ The camera stays focused. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Hey! I’m talking to you! Son of a bitch thinks I’m playing games. Well, here’s a game for you…

[ Stewart swings the bat at the camera. The lens cracks. Stewart spits into the lens. ]


“Happy Birthday to Me..”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts