SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Spade in America

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spade in America

…..David Spade

[Opens with David sitting at his desk]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade.

[cheers and applause]

David Spade: All right. Good crowd. Well, good evening. I hope you guys are having fun. The show is been going good so far. Which you may noticed, there’s a lot of talented new cast members and we’ve gotten to know them pretty well during the past 20 shows. So, let’s take a quick review of this year’s group.

[photo pf Nancy Walls]

Nancy Walls. Sweet girl. She just got married before the start of the season. I’ve been to parties with Nancy and trust me, she ain’t that married.

[photo of Mark McKinney]

Hi. I’ve been in 40 sketches this season. Name one.

[photo of David Koechner]

David Koechner. Definitely the funniest guy around the office. Not this office, but still.

[photo of Colin Quinn]

Colin Quinn. This guy got his start on “MTV’s Remote Control”. Now there’s a whole generation of kids going: “Hey, is that Colin Quinn’s dad?”

[photos of Chris Kattan and Fred Wolf]

America, you decide. Feature players? Or a couple of extras from “The Birdcage”?

[audience groans]

It’s a hit movie!

[photo of Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows. Never met him–[applause] yeah. Didn’t get to meet him. Heard he’s funny.

[photo of Molly Shannon]

Mmmm, don’t know…

[photo of Darrell Hammond]

not sure…

[photo of Will Ferrell]

…looks familiar….

[ photo of Cheri Oteri]

…did her, didn’t know she worked here. Look, I’m just messing around. This is obviously a great new cast, lot of new friends. “The Hollywood Minute” is just my was of expressing love. So, if you have a second I thought we take a look back at some of my favorite “Hollywood Minutes” from the past. So, get out your hankies and let’s take a look back at me being an ass.

[cut to Hollywood Minute segments from the early 90’s. Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays] [photo of Michael Bolton]

Michael Bolton. Big star, popular musician. But guess what? You’re bald and we all know it. I don’t care how long you’re growing your hair on the back, we know what’s happening on top. I know you sold 9 million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one.

[cut to another segment, photo of Cindy Crawford]

I saw that new Charly perfume commercial where Cindy Crawford sings…yikes! [mockingly sings monotone] “And the call it…tone deaf”. How can you do this? Cindy, what was going through your mole?

[another segment, photo of Erik Estrada dressed as Punch from “Chips”]

Hi. I need work.

[another segment, photo of Latoya Jackson]

Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

[another segment, photo of MC Hammer] [to the tune of “Can’t touch this”]

Do, dodo, do, dodo, dodo…it’s over.

[another segment, Steve Martin’s movie poster “Leap of Faith”]

And Steve Martin’s “Leap of Faith”. I was gonna see it, but I was sick that day.[Steve appears behind David sipping a drink, audience roars] He, uh…oh, yeah, oh yeah.

[another segment, poster for the film “The Bodyguard”]

And I also sat through “The Bodyguard”. [mocking Whitney Houston’s mega hit “I’ll always love you”] And… I-I-I-I-ahi-I-ahi-I-I-I want my money back.

[another segment, photo of child star Macaulay Culkin]

Hi. First off, your dad is nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid. You’re cute. You got blond hair, everyone loves you. It’s true. Here’s the catch. [photo of a 10 year old David Spade appears next to Macaulay’s photo, they’re almost identical] I used to look exactly like you when I was ten. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [points at himself] This is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to hell!

[Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays. Cut to David back live dabbing his eyes with a napkin. Big applause.]

MC Hammer jokes still make me a little misty. By the way, my former hairstylist and me are still in litigation. Anyway, it’s been a fun 6 years and uh, it hasn’t really…uh, hasn’t really. It’s been mostly mind games, but still it had it moments. Like the time I saw Elle McPherson in a quick change booth naked, accidentally. [darts eyes around] Anyway, you guys, thanks for sitting through that. Have a nice summer. We’ll see you soon.

[Spade in America logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Spade In America

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 18

95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Spade In America

David Spade…..Teri Hatcher
Teri Hatcher…..David Spade

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Spade In America” with David Spade.

David Spade: Good evening! I’m David Spade – or, at least, I eill be for the next five minutes. Just go with me, here on this premise, we’re trying to keep this segment alive. sorry my piece was so late in the show, but, of course, “Update” ran long. Okay, Norm, Marion Barry smokes crack – we get it! This week, I thought I’d interview the lovely and talented, Miss Teri Snatcher. I mean, Hatcher Whoo-oops.. typo! You do know Teri Hatcher, don’t you? [ raised finger ] She’s #1. Teri? Get out here!

Teri Hatcher: [ pulls up a chair ] Oh, hi! David, it’s so nice to see you here! It’s gonna be really fun. you look great! Is this jacket cotton? [ tries to feel David up ]

David Spade: [ pulls him off ] Easy, Teri!

Teri Hatcher: What?! I’m into fabrics! I’m a girl, what’s the problem? And, this must be “felt”.. [ reaches for David’s crotch ]

David Spade: Teri! Please!

Teri Hatcher: What?! It’s the fabric! i’m intrigued by fashion! I took a class in college.

David Spade: Anyhoo.. Now, Teri, you’re on that hip show, “Lois & Clark”. How’d you wind up with that part?

Teri Hatcher: Is it really a hit show? Uh.. David, I’m glad you asked that. My agent told me that there was a great part for a semi-goodlooking girl who can yell “Help!” a different way each week.

David Spade: Well.. I’ve seen the show, and it’s obviously a high-quality show done by skilled professionals, so I’m sure that it requires a lot more talent than that.

Teri Hatcher: [ shakes head ] Not really.. no.. But the show’s starting to bore me – you know, because I’m really good – and, so, I want to do movies now.

David Spade: Oh, yeah? Well, you know, I did a movie called “Black Sheep.” Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called “Tommy Boy”!

Teri Hatcher: Uh.. yes. I did see that. You were great, David. I mean, you are very sexy on the screen. Sometimes, I rent it late at night, and then I think naughty thoughts about it!

David Spade: There is no way that you, Teri Hatcher, would find me, David Spade, remotely attractive. Remotely. Plus, I’m into guys.

Teri Hatcher: He-ey-ey! Hey! No, everybody knows that’s not true! No, no, Spade, you’re a total catch. A lot of my hot chick friends think so, too! You’re a babe.

David Spade: Well, thanks. You know, because it does take me a lot of effort to look good. I come in here two hours before each show, so the hair people can make me look like Lisa Kudrow!

Teri Hatcher: Lisa Kudrow? [ stunned ] I didn’t know people thought.. your hair looked like Lisa Kudrow..

David Spade: They do!

Teri Hatcher: Well.. you know, Tom Arnold was right. Maybe talking isn’t my best thing. [ laughs ] Which is really bad, you know, because he’s a talented guy. He’s got some good theories..

David Spade: You know, Teri, this piece isn’t really going the way I expected it to. But.. nothing I’ve done this year has been funny!

Teri Hatcher: [ removes wig ] Okay, that one’s not fair.

David Spade: Oh? Oh, really? And that remark about Tom Arnold is? [ points to fake cleavage ] And, what are those? Are those boobs? You look like a cartoon!

Teri Hatcher: Yeah, well, this is a compliment! This is how I picture you in my mind when I think about you.

David Spade: Well, that’s really interesting, because I put about a half-a-pack of Certs in my front pocket, because that’s how I think of you! Anyhow.. Teri.. we’d better wrap this up, because I’ve got to go sell out and do some more phone commercials.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, is that right? [ puts wig back on ] Well, David.. um.. I have to go do a photo shoot with my sharpei for InStyle Magazine, and then I have to go put another nude photo of myself on the Internet. So, I’d better run!

David Spade: Buh-bye! See you next week!

SNL Transcripts