Weekend Update 4/13/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story…tonight:

After a search of nearly 18 years, the man known as the Unabomber has apparently been caught. Theodore Kaczynski is described as a genius with degrees in mathematics from both Harvard and the University of Michigan. Well, now perhaps Americans can focus on our real enemy: fancy book learnin’!

Although only one of his victims was from California, Governor Pete Wilson is pushing to have the Unabomber suspect tried in Los Angeles. Also pushing to have the Unabomber tried in Los Angeles: the Unabomber. [cheers and applause]

It now appears that the 50 million-dollar lawsuit against subway gunman Bernie Goetz, brought by one of the men he shot, will be heard by an all-minority jury. Attorney for Goetz, Darnay Hoffman, says he has advised his client to carry himself humbly in court, make friendly eye contact with the all-minority jury, and start scraping together 50 million dollars.

Last week on “Larry King Live,” Marlon Brando made the shocking statement that Hollywood is, quote, “run by Jews.”…In response, outraged Jewish organizations made it snow in New York in April. [cheers and applause]

For years, Hillary Rodham Clinton has told people that she was named for the first man to climb Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary. But as Esquire magazine recently pointed out to her, Edmund did not climb Mount Everest until 1953, six years after Hillary was born. However, the First Lady does have a good explanation for the discrepancy: she loves to lie. [cheers and applause]

Rap star Hammer is suing the Los Angeles Police Department after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage. [some applause]

Last week, a jailbreak at the Adams County Prison in Pennsylvania ended with four inmates escaping in their underwear. Officials are surprised the escape worked, especially because during the break, the scantily-clad prisoners frequently stopped to rape each other.

In the new movie Mrs. Winterbourne, talk show host Ricki Lake plays the part of a young mother-to-be. According to the film producers, Miss Lake was so serious about achieving a realistic pregnant look. She forced herself to lose 30 pounds. [some cheers and applause]

As we enter an age where government is doing less and less, private charities will have to step up and fill the gap. Here with a commentary is the senior writer on “Saturday Night Live,” and a good friend of mine, Fred Wolf! Fred!

[pan over to Fred]

Fred Wolf: Thank you. Thank you….Thank you. Thank you, Norm. Well, living here in New York City, I’m often given the opportunity to help those that are less fortunate. The guys who want to wash my windshield for money, or the guys who simply want money for not smashing my windshield. When dealing with these people in person, I can often fight the temptation to dig deep and give. But God, the stuff you get in the mail asking for money is crazy. It’s getting so sophisticated, you – you can’t turn them down. So I send them money, and once you mail money to one, they all start asking. What a lot of these charities do is they strategically laser print your name throughout the letter to maximize the guilt factor. I got one from the American Lung Association, and the first para – paragraph actually read, “If you could stop someone from dying a slow, painful death, would you, Fred Wolf?” How much farther can they go with that tactic? You get a letter that says, “You don’t want little Bobby to die, do you?” They’ve got a picture of “little Bobby” in a wheelchair with his arms spread, and the caption reads, “Help me, Fred Wolf! Help me!”

But this American Lung letter was a typical one. My name was all over it, you know, and at the end, it says, “So please help us find a cure for this deadly disease by sending in your contribution for two dollars.” They asked for exactly two dollars. Which made me think, “Could it be possible that they’re actually that close to a cure?”…And if so, what are they telling patients in the hospital? “Well, Mr. Henderson, we’d love to be able to tell you that we have a cure for your disease and that you’ll live a long, full life, but we’re two bucks short….We’ve written Fred Wolf….Right now, it’s just a waiting game, buddy.”

So here’s a tip: sometimes I’m sitting around, thinking about all the world’s problems — the crime, misery, disease, racism — and I think, “Man, I should really get out there and do something about it,” but then I get really sleepy, I take a nap, and I’m okay. So, back to you, Norm.

Norm: Hey, Fred Wolf, everybody! Fred Wolf!

In, uh, Montel Williams’ new book, Mountain, Get Out of My Way, the talk show host shares insights on how to set and achieve goals in life. Publishers expect it to be a bestseller, outdoing even his first book: Hair, Get Off of My Head. [some cheers and applause]

A Nobel Prize-winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a 15-year-old boy. So the arrest really shouldn’t come as a big surprise; his Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

Finally, some good news. According to her doctor, legendary actress Katherine Hepburn is recovering nicely from her recent illness, and they have even upgraded her condition to decrepit. So that…that’s a…it’s a nice…[surprised by lack of negative reaction] that’s nice. What, you don’t like her? You don’t like Katherine Hepburn, for God’s sake?

And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 1/20/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

The nation is still reeling from Thursday’s bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match; she’s more of a, uh, stay-at-home type, and he’s more of a homosexual pedophile.

This week, in a speech honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Clinton said that if Dr. King were alive today, he would have supported the deployment of U.S. troops to Bosnia. Later, when asked how he could use the late civil rights leader’s name in such a self-serving manner, Clinton hopped a plane to England and lit up a big fat joint.

Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, in which he’ll focus on crime, education, and the economy. At the request of the First Lady, part of the President’s speech will be huge lies.

This week on NBC’s “Dateline,” three members of the Simpson jury explained their “not guilty” votes, and argued that if Simpson had killed his wife, there should have been blood stains all over his gate, front door, and light switches. Also this week, Simpson friend Al Cowlings released his video How to Get Blood Stains off Gates, Front Doors, and Light Switches. [cheers and applause]

And in Brentwood, O.J. himself was spotted manning a lemonade stand with his daughter Sydney. Asked by reporters why sales were so poor, O.J. replied, “Beats me.” And then he went back to cutting lemons with a giant knife.

Well, bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry. This week, the Food and Drug Administration banned their newest flavor: Ben’s Back Hair.

In an interview last week, Administrator of the FAA David R. Hinson explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird….Can’t even hardly understand most of ’em.

John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to “Roseanne” next year, so how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him. [some cheers and applause]

And now, folks, here with the local news is our own Joe Blow! Hey Joe!

[pan over to Joe]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. In local news, I’m barely treadin’ water. Kids across the street are playin’ with fire, and the guy around the corner is skatin’ on thin ice.

In foreign relations, Norm, the new family two doors down, they make noise all night, they play their music. They got 12 of them living here on one visitors visa. They’ve got the car in the living room and the couch on the lawn. They come down the block, they take up the whole sidewalk. I walk past them, they squeeze me out into the gutter. Norm, in your opinion, what is the action I should take, if any?

Norm: I – I – I – I don’t really feel qualified, Joe, I… [Joe nods]

Joe: In economic news, the job is still the job. Everybody gives you the silent treatment. Unless they’re tryin’ to sell you candy for the kids’ Catholic school. You have to buy at least two boxes, or else they call you a cheap bastard behind your back. I brought five boxes of Russell Strover’s from Rosario the checker. It didn’t help. Meanwhile, now his kid wins a new 10-speed, I’m still out on the loading dock with one glove. Nobody knows what happened to the other one, but of course, I have my suspects. Then you got Fat Anthony, drives the forklift, Norm. He swings the blades, he barely misses your shins. One time, all right, it’s a joke. Two or three times, I’m gonna take off my glove, eventually.

In domestic news, I had to get my son out of jail again. He wants to be a tough guy. I was the same way, in a gang, Norm. We all were, right? [he and Norm nod]…The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets.

In entertainment news, I went to see that movie, the one with the guy with the girl with the guy with the friend. I walked out, my wife doesn’t appreciate that kind of language. And I don’t like it, either. I mean, Norm, you seem to do pretty good, you don’t resort to profanity. Your sketch goes over big. Pretty big.

Norm: Oh, well – well – well thanks, Joe.

Joe: When are we gonna go for that beer, Norm?

Norm: What – what – what beer?

Joe: Do you remember the last time I was on here, we talked about goin’ for a beer? When would that, uh, transpire, do you think?

Norm: Oh, well, you know, I’d like to, Joe, you know. It’s just a matter of finding the time, so…

Joe: Norm, you gotta make the time for things that are important to you in life. I mean, uh, no offense, but uh, you don’t seem to budget your time very well….Let’s nail down a date.

Norm: [after a pause] April 11th?

Joe: April 11th. Done. April 11th it is, Norm.

Norm: Oh, okay. Joe Blow, ladies and gentlemen!

And now Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned 100 years old today. [cheers and applause]…You know, I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I – I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either. [cheers and applause]

Barbara Jordan, the first African-American woman in Congress, died this week at the age of 59. Remarkably, singer James Brown had nothing to do with it.

Eric Etheridge, editor of George magazine, has quit over policy differences with the publication’s editor-in-chief, John F. Kennedy, Jr. Translation: they’re both banging the same receptionist.

Finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, now he’s probably up in Heaven racking them up for a game with St. Peter. Or maybe he’s in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh and the agonies of the damned never cease. [more enthusiastically] Either way, he’ll be missed.

And that’s all for now, folks! That’s the way it is! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 9/30/95

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic] [opening music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you….Thank you….Tha-anks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and I’ll be there for you.

Well, the Trial of the Century is over. Late yesterday, the fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in United States history, was placed in the hands of the jurors. They must now decide whether to free him or get all their heads cut off.

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey hey, easy with that! That’s my lucky stabbin’ hat!”

In the course of his summation, Cochran also brought out Detective Mark Fuhrman, calling him a, quote, “genocidal racist,” and comparing him to Adolf Hitler. Fuhrman later responded, “After all the things he said about me during this trial, it’s a little late to start sucking up now.”

Meanwhile, Fuhrman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD, may get off lightly. Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have been reduced to, quote, “one count of using the word ‘darky.'”

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause] [photo of Anna Nicole Smith kissing J. Howard Marshall] Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbageman, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Nancy: I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm: Well, is that…that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy: No no, Norm, there’s one more item. I’m a new cast member. I just moved here all the way from Chicago. And this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….[cheers and applause] No, that’s – that’s not right. That’s not right.

Nancy: What are you gonna do?

Norm: Well – well, hey! Maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy: You really think so?

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Noo, noo…no, no. Nancy Walls, everybody!…Nancy Walls.

Remember 12 Angry Men, the classic courtroom drama? Well, the first film about the O.J. Simpson case is in the works. It’s entitled Nine Angry Black People, Two Scared Asians, and a White Guy Who Hasn’t Spoken Since Rosa Lopez.

In Carlsbad, Texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring 16 inmates. Doctors say it will be at least two weeks before the men are up and around and raping each other again.

America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number two: Ezra. [delayed applause] [photo of Elton John with a tennis racket in his mouth] Meanwhile, Elton John continues to deny rumors that he is engaged to his tennis racket.

Finally, folks, next week, Jews everywhere will be celebrating the holiday of Yom Kippur. Or as non-Jews refer to it: Wednesday.

And that’s all for now, folks. Good night!

[closing music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts] [fade to black]

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20




95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

[ audience screams and cheers ]

Norm MacDonald: Hi! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.

Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republiccan lawmakers said, “Shhhh!”

Arriving back in the U.S., after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn’t spent Mother’s Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, “Idiot! I didn’t spend Mother’s Day with my kids because I killed their mother!”

While in England, where he spoke at Oxford University, Simpson had defended actor Marlon Brando’s criticism of Hollywood Jews. Later, from his island hideaway, Brando sent O.J. a telegram, which read, “You’re not helping!”

According to this week’s Star Magazine, Unabomber suspect, Ted Kaczynski, is still a virgin at the age of 53. This isn’t too surpising, when you consider that Kaczynski’s best pick-up line was “My dirty woodshack or yours?”

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out agaisnt same-sex marriages. What’s more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

According to published reports, M-TV News anchor Tabitha Soren has been romantically linked to journalist Michael Lewis. Soren denies the reports, claiming she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend because she’s too busy pretending not to be stupid.

It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Tomorrow night on “60 Minutes”, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don’t do it, Andy, it’s a trap! It’s a trap!

[ show cover of Vanity Fair, with t-shirt-clad Tom Cruise stretching his arms in front of a huge, flaming fire, with the headline “Cruise on Fire” ]

In an interview in this month’s Vanity Fair, actor Tom Cruise attempts to end, once and for all, rumors that he is gay.

While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a bible. Most shocking of all: Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

This week, the FDA gave final approval to a device that prevents heart attacks by blasting the heart with a powerful jolt of electricity. If the device works properly, you will not have a heart attack. If it doesn’t work properly, you will have a giant heart attack.

Well, more O.J. Simpson news. On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President, adding, “I’d like to help him any way I can.” To which the President replied, “Well, there is one thing.”
[ cut to photo of Hillary Clinton ]

And, finally tonight, we at Weekend Update salute a fellow journalist on his retirement. John Tesh is leaving his job at “Entertainment Tonight”, in order to concentrate on making horrible, horrible music.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is! See you next year, folks, have a good summer!

SNL Transcripts

Index of /95

Index of /95[ICO]NameLast modifiedSizeDescription


[DIR]Parent Directory  – [   ]95a.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95aamale.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.1K[   ]95alegup.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.4K[   ]95amono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.6K[   ]95anightline.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.5K[   ]95aoj.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.9K[   ]95ashed.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.4K[   ]95b.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95balthea.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.0K[   ]95bblame.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.7K[   ]95bbraveheart.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.3K[   ]95bfuzzy.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.8K[   ]95bgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K[   ]95bmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.5K[   ]95bmusic2.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.9K[   ]95bnflonnbc.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]95bprom.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]95c.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 13K[   ]95celevator.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.6K[   ]95cfuzzy.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.5K[   ]95cgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.1K[   ]95cgrayson1.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.2K[   ]95cgrayson2.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.7K[   ]95ckids.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]95cmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.5K[   ]95cmusic1.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.9K[   ]95d.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95dauthor.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.6K[   ]95dgenetics.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.9K[   ]95dgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K[   ]95dkeith.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.8K[   ]95dmary.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.8K[   ]95dmusic2.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.5K[   ]95dprison.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.9K[   ]95dtools.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.1K[   ]95e.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]95ebible.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.2K[   ]95ebugoff.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.7K[   ]95echeerleaders.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.0K[   ]95edirectors.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.8K[   ]95f.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95ffortune.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K[   ]95fgitwithyou.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.6K[   ]95fgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.4K[   ]95fholidays.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.3K[   ]95fmidgets.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.4K[   ]95fmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.4K[   ]95foldglory.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.3K[   ]95fspade.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]95g.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 10K[   ]95ggrimaldi.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.0K[   ]95gnasty.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.2K[   ]95h.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]95hgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.7K[   ]95hperspectives.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.9K[   ]95hrockyroads.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]95hsmile.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]95hupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K[   ]95i.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]95ibird.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.4K[   ]95imackey.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.2K[   ]95imono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.5K[   ]95ispartans.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.8K[   ]95j.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]95jexecution.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.0K[   ]95jgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K[   ]95jrita.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.9K[   ]95jstinson.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.2K[   ]95k.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95kbrasky.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.8K[   ]95kbuckwell.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K[   ]95kgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K[   ]95kgreetings.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.8K[   ]95kjoepesci.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]95kmusic.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.9K[   ]95kspartans.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.3K[   ]95l.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K[   ]95m.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 10K[   ]95mgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.7K[   ]95mpetchow.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.9K[   ]95n.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]95naussie.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.5K[   ]95o.phtml21-Aug-2008 20:20 12K[   ]95obrasky.phtml21-Aug-2008 20:21 7.7K[   ]95orealworld1.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.3K[   ]95orealworld2.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.6K[   ]95orealworld3.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.5K[   ]95p.phtml07-Aug-2008 16:10 11K[   ]95pactingclass.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.2K[   ]95pcavemanlawyer.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.0K[   ]95pmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]95proxbury.phtml07-Aug-2008 16:10 3.7K[   ]95pupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.2K[   ]95q.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95qforbes.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.7K[   ]95qnightline.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.4K[   ]95qunabomber.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.2K[   ]95r.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95rgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.4K[   ]95rhomeboy.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.1K[   ]95rmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 13K[   ]95rmood.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.7K[   ]95rspade.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.7K[   ]95rspartans.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]95rted.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]95rupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.6K[   ]95s.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95scourtney.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.8K[   ]95sshed.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.8K[   ]95t.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]95tgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K[   ]95thell.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.5K[   ]95tlifeguard.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.0K[   ]95tmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.0K[   ]95tnightline.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.7K[   ]95troxbury.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.9K[   ]95tspartans.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.8K[   ]95ttango.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.9K[   ]95tupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.2K[   ]1995.phtml12-Dec-2007 13:16 9.8K[IMG]1995intro1.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:32 12K[IMG]1995intro2.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:32 13K[IMG]1995intro3.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:32 14K[IMG]1995intro4.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:32 15K[IMG]1995intro5.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 14K[IMG]1995intro6.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 14K[IMG]1995intro7.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 15K[IMG]1995intro8.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 8.1K[IMG]1995intro9.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 11K[IMG]1995intro10.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 10K[IMG]1995intro11.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 11K[IMG]1995intro12.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 11K[IMG]1995intro13.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 13K[IMG]1995intro14.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 11K[IMG]1995intro15.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 12K[IMG]1995intro16.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 13K[IMG]1995intro17.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 11K[IMG]1995intro18.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 13K[IMG]1995intro19.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 12K[IMG]1995intro20.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 11K[IMG]1995intro21.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 11K[IMG]1995intro22.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 12K[IMG]1995intro23.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 12K[IMG]1995intro24.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 9.2K[IMG]1995intro25.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 12K[IMG]1995intro25b.jpg19-May-2006 16:41 11K[IMG]1995intro26.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 12K[IMG]1995intro27a.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 16K[IMG]1995intro27b.jpg11-Jan-2006 23:43 15K[IMG]1995intro27c.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 13K[IMG]1995intro27d.jpg11-Jan-2006 23:43 14K[IMG]1995intro27f.jpg02-Feb-2006 21:22 15K[IMG]1995intro27h.jpg02-Feb-2006 21:22 18K[IMG]1995intro27j.jpg02-Feb-2006 21:22 16K[IMG]1995intro27k.jpg02-Feb-2006 21:22 14K[IMG]1995intro27t.jpg19-May-2006 16:41 15K[IMG]1995intro28.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 12K[IMG]1995intro29.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 10K[IMG]1995intro29b.jpg19-May-2006 16:41 8.0K[IMG]1995intro30.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 12K[IMG]1995intro31a.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 13K[IMG]1995intro31b.jpg11-Jan-2006 23:43 12K[IMG]1995intro31c.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 13K[IMG]1995intro31d.jpg11-Jan-2006 23:43 13K[IMG]1995intro31f.jpg02-Feb-2006 21:22 15K[IMG]1995intro31h.jpg02-Feb-2006 21:22 15K[IMG]1995intro31j.jpg02-Feb-2006 21:22 15K[IMG]1995intro31k.jpg02-Feb-2006 21:22 14K[IMG]1995intro31t.jpg19-May-2006 16:41 12K[IMG]1995intro32.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 10K[IMG]1995intro33.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 14K[IMG]1995intro34.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 11K[IMG]1995intro35.jpg09-Jan-2006 20:53 14K[IMG]1995intro36.jpg31-Aug-2006 20:04 14K[IMG]bg.jpg24-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7K[IMG]line.jpg07-Nov-2001 00:00 726 [   ]local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 10:00 198 [DIR]pics/10-Jun-2007 18:06 – [IMG]space.gif07-Nov-2001 00:00 827 [IMG]space2.gif07-Nov-2001 00:00 808 [TXT]style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529


SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Spartan Cheerleaders



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18


95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Gabrielle…..Teri Hatcher

(shows the school with a sign saying: East Lake Math Club Regional Competition, and then kids taking tests and then to the Spartans)

Both: V for Victory! I said V Â for Victory!

Craig: Spread that V!

Arianna: Dot that I !

Both: Rock that C-T-O-R-Y! Whoo Spartan Spirit!!

(erasers are thrown at them from off camera and they both stop cheering to pick them up, then sit back down)

Craig: Ok we’ll take a break

Arianna: its an accident. That’s all right! Oh My God Craig! I cant believe it! Our Differential Calculus squad is really kicking some tail!

Craig: I know! I’ll say! And wait till they get a load of our herkie jump!

Arianna: bad news flash Craig, I cant do the herkie jump today, I’ve got my friend.

Craig: What??

Arianna: um, I can’t go swimming!

Craig: ohh. Hey that’s not the only friend you got, and this one wont give you cramps!

(they both hug)

Arianna: Oh My God Ronald’s approaching the chalkboard!

Both: Focus Ronald! Focus Ronald!

Arianna: OH MY GOD HE DROPPED THE CHALK!

Craig: pick it up! Pick it up! Ok he’s got it! He’s got it!

Arianna: Chalk can be slippery!

Craig: I know I know! He’s got it. He wrote .35

Both: Is it right?

Arianna: no ones saying anything…. No.

(they pause and look confused for a couple of seconds before they realize its right)

Both: Oh my God! Its right! .35! whoo! Whoo!

(they jump up to cheer)

Both: arf arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Arianna: I’m Arianna! The boys are urging but I am proud to stay a virgin!

Both: Arf Arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Craig: My name is Craig! I give good hugs! Your not my friend if you do drugs!

Both: arf! Small dog! Whoo! Whoo! Spartan spirit!

(Gabrielle walks in wearing the real Spartan Cheerleader uniform)

Gabrielle: Hi craig. Hi arianna.

Arianna: Oh my God! Gabrielle!

Craig: Gabrielle! Arent you missing the game?

Arianna: I didn’t no you liked math!

Gabrielle: Oh I Don’t. I’m here on behalf of the REAL Spartan cheerleaders. Tommy Peters has mono and we need your help,

Both: Oh My god! This is it! Now’s our chance! Oh my God!

Arianna: Gabrielle, we would be proud to join the real Spartan Squad!

Gabrielle: Not you Arianna, Just Craig.

(Arianna’s looks like she is about to cry and she keeps repeating “Oh my god” softly for the next couple lines between Gabrielle and Craig)

Craig: Gabrielle I don’t know if I’d feel right —

Gabrielle: Oh well I think you would feel just fine! And besides Arianna doesn’t like you like that

Craig: Arianna!

Arianna: The real Spartans need you Craig. Your dream is calling! Pick up the phone.

Craig: Thank you! (and he runs off camera)

Gabrielle: That was for telling everyone about my WonderBra

Arianna: Whatever!

Gabrielle: Whatever! Whatever!

Arianna: WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER!

(Gabrielle runs off camera too, leaving Arianna standing by herself)

Arianna: Oh my God! Ok right! Spirit Spirit! Come on Nathan! Your best utensil is a number 2 pencil! Come on Nathan! Come on Nathan!

(she starts to cry and sits back down. The screen changes to Gabrielle and Craig cheering at the basketball game, They are both cheering but only Gabrielle is moving around until Craig starts to, halfway through the cheer)

Gabrielle and Craig: Steady eddie eddie eddie ROCK! Who rocks the house? The Spartans rock the house! And when the Spartans rock the house, they rock it all the way down!

(Craig starts to repeat the cheer but Gabrielle stops him when she realizing he is doing the cheer moves too.)

Gabrielle: CRAIG! What are you doing? Your supposed to be standing still!

Craig: I just thought I’d throw in a trekking move! You know spice it up! You know when Arianna and I work on routines—

Gabrielle: wait a minute Craig! I make the decisions on this squad! If you don’t like it, you can go back to your buddy from planet Freak, Arianna!

(Gabrielle’s voice saying “Arianna” is echoed as the camera zooms in on Craig and a 25 second clip of a bunch of previous Spartan skits are shown, after the clips Craig runs off stage and Gabrielle comes running in on the other side and falls down)

Gabrielle: ouch! CRAIG BUCHANAN! YOU ARE DEAD MEAT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SPOT ME! AHH I CHIPPED A TOOTH! Whatever whatever —

( the screen goes back to Arianna alone cheering)

Arianna: Lucy, Charlie Brown, piano playing Schroeder! Your teams like Pigpen cause you got an odor! OPEN A WINDOW! Whoo whoo!

(she starts to cry and sits down again, and Craig runs in from the other side)

Craig: Hey! Who’s that Spartan looking so lonely?

Arianna: it’s me, It’s me. I said whose that Spartan gonna sing with me?

Craig: It’s me! Its me!

Both: Let’s turn this mother out!

(they turn on Bust a move and exit with the Perfect Cheer)

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20





95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters

Jimmy Tango…..Jim Carrey
Male Audience Member…..Fred Wolf
Female Client…..Nancy Walls
Male Client…..Will Ferrell

[ Jimmy Tango runs onto stage, wild-haired and spastic ]Jimmy Tango: Hi! Do you recognize this tub of crap? [ shows image of fat, bloated man with tiny head ] That’s me, three-and-a-half weeks ago! Since then, I’ve lost 155 pounds! [ claps ] Yes, you heard me right! I lost 155 pounds in less than three weeks! How did I lose all that gross fat? By combining the miracle of technology with ordinary street junkies! Producing this: Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters! [ studio audience applauds ] It’s this simple: wear my patented vibrating heat-bead suit, then jam an unbelievable amount of pure, raw crystal meth into your system! You might ask, “Isn’t crystal meth illegal?” You bet! But my scientist, Dr. Cody, spends his days in a tin shed deep inside a smallcanyon outside San Bernadino, constantly altering the scientific formula of a bathtub crank that keeps us one step ahead the law, and keeps you one step ahead of the fat farm! Fatties, here’s my promise: wear my vibrating heat beads, while blasting down handfuls of crrystal meth, and you’ll drop weight so fast you’ll lose your mind! Any questions? You! [ points to audience member ]

Male Audience Member: Jimmy, I like what I hear, but even though I’m not a doctor, it sounds unhealthy. Does the kind of dramatic weight loss you describe have any side effects?

Jimmy Tango: [ makes spastic twitch ] You betcha! In mycase, when I close my eyes, all I see are spiders and snails! My skin is clammy! My mouth is very dry! I think of suicide nonstop! And five minutes ago, I vomited the strangest colors into my stage manager’s fanny pack! But you know what? The main side effect is, these days when I’m wearing a blue suit, and I yawn, people don’t try to stuff a letter into my mouth! [ laughs uncontrollably ] Get off!! Folks, if you’re serious about weight loss, then you shouldn’t be afraid to.. “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] Now! Let’s talk to some of my clients! [ makes spastic jump into the audience, grinning at Female Client ] Hi, Olive Oyl! Have you always been so thin, hmm??

Female Client: No! I used to be a 220-pound land monster!And, in eight days, by “Riding The Snake”.. [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] ..I lost 124 pounds! I’ve never had a date in my life, but two days ago, I made out with Scott Baio at a party! [ studio audience applauds her achievements ] Jimmy, by using your method, I really lost weight fast! Probably too fast! The stress you put on my body made me slip into the bowels of a red nightmare! I sleep in my oven! My hair falls out in clumps! I cry when I see a tree! And I burn symbols into my housepets with a curling iron! But it’s worth it, because, these days, when I’m wearing a black jumpsuit, I look like a closed umbrella! [ laughs ] Thank you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Tango: Hey, welcome to the club, Sliver! Start liking it! I lost 180 pounds in five days, and I’m.. ecstatic! [ jumps back on stage ] Let’s hear from someone else! You-ou-ou-ou! [ points to Male Client in audience ]

Male Client: [ dressed in heat-bead suit ] I’m taking those speed pills of yours, and I’m wearing the vibrating heat beads, and by “Riding your Snake”, not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I’m the Devil! And I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its sinners! I am reborn! And I’ve got YOU to thank, Jimmy Tango!

Jimmy Tango: [ hyper ] Sounds good! But talk is cheap! Scan me!

[ Jimmy holds his hand in front of Male Client, as they both growl and hiss at each other ]

Male Client: [ blood pouring fromhis head ] Aaagghhh!! Make it stop! Make it STOP, Jimmy!! Aaagghhhh!!

Jimmy Tango: Nice try, novice! But don’t mess with the maestro! So, there you have it, folks! Use Jimmy Tango’s method, and within days you’ll drop more weight than a Tijuana crack whore! Hey! If you’re a porky puke, don’t be afraid! Come “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] And you’ll lose fat quick! If you dare!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Unabomber Defense Team



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18




95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Unabomber Defense Team

Guard…..Jim Breuer
David Kaczynski…..David Koechner
Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Leslie Abramson…..Cheri Oteri
Bald Guy From “Murder One”…..Darrell Hammond
F. Lee Bailey…..Steve Higgins

[ open on interior, jailhouse, Guard standing next to David Kaczynski ]

Guard: Okay, you’ve got 15 minutes, Mr. Kacyznski. Wait right here, and I’ll being in your brother.

David Kaczynski: Thanks a lot!

[ Guard exits hallway to retrieve Ted Kaczynski, then brings the wild man out of his jail cell ]

Ted Kaczynski: We-e-e-ell! If it isn’t my brother David! Good to see ya! Wish I could bring you up to my log cabin, but there’s about 150 FBI agents using it this weekend!

David Kaczynski: [ uneasy ] Yeah..

Ted Kaczynski: Go figure! [ laughs maniacally ]

David Kaczynski: I know.. I’m sorry about that, okay.. [ ] He-e-eyy!! I thought you got a haircut?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. I just use a little mousse with the judge, you know? [ laughs maniacally ]

David Kaczynski: Yeah, I gotcha.. hey, listen – Ted. I don’t have much time.. I feel just, just awful! Okay, you got that now? So, to make it up to you, I’ve gotten the best.. legal defense team money can buy. Now, you just wait right here, I’m gonna go get ’em, alright?

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, you know what? Don’t worry.. ’cause I’m not goin’ anywhere! Okay! [ laughs ]

David Kaczynski: Alright. Well, first off, I’ve got.. Johnny Cochran!

[ Johnny Cochran enters the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic!

Johnny Cochran: I am outraged! It’s nice to meet you. [ sits at the table ]

David Kaczynski: Now.. F. Lee Bailey!

[ F. Lee Bailey enters the room, drinking from a martini glass ]

Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic! Fantastic!

David Kaczynski: I’ve also got the lawyer for the Menendez Brothers – Leslie Abramson!

[ Leslie Abramson enters the room, frizzy hair and all ]

Leslie Abramson: Boys!

Ted Kaczynski: Alright!

David Kaczynski: And, of course, the bald guy from “Murder One”!

[ the bald guy from “Murder One” enters the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: You know what? I’m sorry I don’t have a television.. I-I’ve never seen your show..

Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Well, Mr. Kaczynski, neither has anybody else.

[ Ted laughs heartily at the joke ]

David Kaczynski: Okay, Mr. Cochran.. you begin!

Johnny Cochran: [ stands ] Alright, Mr. Kaczynski, I am outraged! To think that the FBI has the nerve.. the audacity.. the unmitigated GALL to accuse a respected mathematician hermit like yourself! To such a heinous crime! I will demonstrate to the jury that if the hood and the sunglasses don’t fit.. then you must aquit! [ sits ]

Leslie Abramson: [ stands ] Don’t you worry, Mr. Kaczynski. With the defense I have planned, there is no way they can convict you! At least, not at the first trial. Okay. Now, tell me, exactly how long were you and your brother sexually abused by your parents?

Ted Kaczynski: [ confused ] Uh.. we weren’t..

Leslie Abramson: Then I’ve got nothing. Talk to the bald guy! [ sits ]

David Kaczynski: Okay! “Murder One” guy, go ahead!

Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Mr. Kaczynski, I don’t think any of us here can emphasize enough: that I’m the bald guy from “Murder One”. Thank you. [ sits ]

David Kaczynski: That’s a good point! Mr. Bailey?

F. Lee Bailey: [ looks up ] Scotch and soda, please!

David Kaczynski: Uh.. I’m sorry?

F. Lee Bailey: Isn’t this T.J. McDougal’s?

David Kaczynski: No. It’s not.

F. Lee Bailey: Well, I’ll tell ya, Marine to Marine: I’m stinkin’ drunk! [ burps ] I just pulled 15 million stock options to get out of the pokie.. I’m gonna go find me a Happy Hour! [ exits the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: Listen, David.. I appreciate all this, but.. I’ll tell you what, I’ve run up a pretty tight legal defense of my own.. and if you folks have a minute, I’d love to share it with ya!

David Kaczynski: Sure.. yeah.. go ahead, Ted.. yeah.

Ted Kaczynski: [ drops stack of papers onto the table ] There’s Part One.. the Opening Statement right here.. and, uh.. let’s see it.. [ unfolds the paper ] Well, it begins kind of like this.. uh.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18





95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Greg Norman…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.

On Thursday, Congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals to death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty, wooden shack.

Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

In other showbiz news, it is reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I dind this a bit hard to believe.. I mean, uh.. Madonna isn’t even married! It’s like.. cra-zy!

This week, a New Jersey woman – Rita Gluzman – was charged with hacking her husband to death with an axe, gutting the body into pieces, and having a cousin dump them in a river. According to police, Gluzman learned how to do this by watching the program “Martha Stewart Living”.

In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is “One ugly bastard.”

In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26-mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face.. [ Norm grimaces ] ..at a Boston Marathon.

And, in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined $10,000 for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me..”

Norm MacDonald: Last Sunday saw the conclusion of the most celebrated tournament in the world of golf. I’m referring, of course, to The Masters. Here to share with us his impressions, is the Great White Shark himself, Greg Norman. Greg!

Greg Norman: Hi! Hi there, Norm! Good evening, folks! Now.. as many of you might remember, last weekend I took a seemingly insurmountable 6-shot lead into the last day of play at the Masters. But.. on Sunday, I squandered that huge lead and lost the ‘tourney, along with hundreds of thousands of dollars in prize money to Nick Falder. Cheers! Folks, this isn’t the first time Greg “The Shark” Norman has squanderd a huge lead! In fact, I do it fairly regularly! and, consequently, it’s been pointed out to me that perhaps “The Shark” is not really an appropriate nickname. [ holds up a picture of a shark ] You see.. the shark is not only a merciless killer, it’s an eating machine whose swallowing reflexes tops in the animal kingdom. Whereas I, unlike the shark, am actually quite merciful to my opponents. And when I try to swallow, I bloody choke! [ laughs ]

So I’ve decided to create a new, more descriptive nickname for myself. At first, I thought I’d stick with the fish theme, and call myself.. “The Trout”. [ holds up a picture of a trout ] But.. I don’t think that adequately describes the depth of my impotence. Then.. I thought I might call myself.. “The Submissive Trout”. [ holds up another photo of a trout, this one with a cartoon balloon reading “Please don’t hurt me!” ] It’s pretty similar to the regular trout, but this little bugger is sayin’, “Please don’t hurt me!” [ laughs ] Ah, but you know, that didn’t seem catchy. Then I thought, maybe my nickname could be.. Greg “The Little Girl” Norman. [ holds up a picture of a little girl ] But women’s groups complained, and rightly so. So, I considered then.. “Pippi Longstockings”.. [ holds up a photo of Pippi Longstockings ] ..and “Mrs. Butterworth”. [ holds up a photo of Mrs. Butterworth ] But, to my surprise, they were taken. So then I thought, hey! Why not “The Crab”? [ holds up a photo of a crab ] You see? ‘Cause the crab is a little fearsome – like I am during the first part of the tournament. And if you’re in the ocean, and you see that you are about to step on a crab.. well, you’d think twice about it, if you didn’t want to get your toes pinched. Of course, ultimately, a crab doesn’t scare anyone! Just like me! [ laughs ]

So.. this is Greg “The Crab” Norman, saying “Watch your toes!” Back to you, Norm! [ bounces golf ball on the desk, but faces difficulty trying to snatch it back up ]

Norm MacDonald: Greg Norman, everybody! Thanks, Greg! Thank you, Greg Norman!

Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere’s new film “Primal Fear” was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, “Hey, uh.. do you think that gerbil story is true?”

Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme: I Don’t Deserve My Girlfriend.

In California, the State Justice Department has endorsed a plan to update the term for a prostitute’s customer, from the traditional “John”, to the new, more current-sounding term “Charlie Sheen”.

And, finally, this Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the Fourth Annual “Take Our Daughters To Work Day”. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it: “Thursday”.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night, see you later!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 11th, 1996

Christine Baranski

The Cure

None

Dennis Rodman

Ryn Shiraki

Wally Feresten

Hugh Fink

Steve Higgins

Paula Pell

Joe Dicso

Andy Murphy

Adam McKay
Dole/Rodman ’96Summary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) announces his selection of Dennis Rodman for his running mate.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Bob Dole, Christiane Amanpour, Bobbi Batista.

Montage

Christine Baranski’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Christine Baranski is made the victim of numerous Polish jokes.

A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right.

Note: Repeat from 09/30/95.

The Courtney Love ShowSummary: Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) interviews Marge Schott (Darrell Hammond) and Julie Andrews (Christine Baranski).

Recurring Characters: Courtney Love.

Transcript

Get Off The Shed IISummary: Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) yells at kids again.

Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson.

Transcript

20 Years and One WeekSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) reviews decades worth of celebrity interview clips.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Loni Anderson, Sean Penn, Tony Orlando, Richard Dreyfuss, Menachim Begin, Anwar Sadat, Burt Reynolds.

The Cure performs “Mint Car”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) tries to do “Weekend Update” as a gift for his and Norm’s mom. Dennis Rodman flamboyantly reviews his new book.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Nightclub SingerSummary: An off-key nightclub singer Sally Kings (Christine Baranski) receives audience sympathy because she’s terminally ill.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade’s biggest fans, Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney), spend the day with him.

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.

Rolf on Death RowSummary: Rolf (Colin Quinn) gossips with his fellow death row inmates.

Recurring Characters: Rolf.

Goat Boy Sings Popular Songs of the 80’sSummary: Lab experiment Goat Boy (Jim Breuer)sings popular 80’s hits.

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

New Personality TraitsSummary: Employee Brian Hughes (Jim Breuer) drastically changes his personality in order to win approval from his employers (Christine Baranski, Will Ferrell).

The Cure performs “Inbetween Days”

1-600-LANSINGSummary: Phone sex catered especially for residents of Lansing.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a haunted house.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts