Weekend Update 4/13/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story…tonight:

After a search of nearly 18 years, the man known as the Unabomber has apparently been caught. Theodore Kaczynski is described as a genius with degrees in mathematics from both Harvard and the University of Michigan. Well, now perhaps Americans can focus on our real enemy: fancy book learnin’!

Although only one of his victims was from California, Governor Pete Wilson is pushing to have the Unabomber suspect tried in Los Angeles. Also pushing to have the Unabomber tried in Los Angeles: the Unabomber. [cheers and applause]

It now appears that the 50 million-dollar lawsuit against subway gunman Bernie Goetz, brought by one of the men he shot, will be heard by an all-minority jury. Attorney for Goetz, Darnay Hoffman, says he has advised his client to carry himself humbly in court, make friendly eye contact with the all-minority jury, and start scraping together 50 million dollars.

Last week on “Larry King Live,” Marlon Brando made the shocking statement that Hollywood is, quote, “run by Jews.”…In response, outraged Jewish organizations made it snow in New York in April. [cheers and applause]

For years, Hillary Rodham Clinton has told people that she was named for the first man to climb Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary. But as Esquire magazine recently pointed out to her, Edmund did not climb Mount Everest until 1953, six years after Hillary was born. However, the First Lady does have a good explanation for the discrepancy: she loves to lie. [cheers and applause]

Rap star Hammer is suing the Los Angeles Police Department after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage. [some applause]

Last week, a jailbreak at the Adams County Prison in Pennsylvania ended with four inmates escaping in their underwear. Officials are surprised the escape worked, especially because during the break, the scantily-clad prisoners frequently stopped to rape each other.

In the new movie Mrs. Winterbourne, talk show host Ricki Lake plays the part of a young mother-to-be. According to the film producers, Miss Lake was so serious about achieving a realistic pregnant look. She forced herself to lose 30 pounds. [some cheers and applause]

As we enter an age where government is doing less and less, private charities will have to step up and fill the gap. Here with a commentary is the senior writer on “Saturday Night Live,” and a good friend of mine, Fred Wolf! Fred!

[pan over to Fred]

Fred Wolf: Thank you. Thank you….Thank you. Thank you, Norm. Well, living here in New York City, I’m often given the opportunity to help those that are less fortunate. The guys who want to wash my windshield for money, or the guys who simply want money for not smashing my windshield. When dealing with these people in person, I can often fight the temptation to dig deep and give. But God, the stuff you get in the mail asking for money is crazy. It’s getting so sophisticated, you – you can’t turn them down. So I send them money, and once you mail money to one, they all start asking. What a lot of these charities do is they strategically laser print your name throughout the letter to maximize the guilt factor. I got one from the American Lung Association, and the first para – paragraph actually read, “If you could stop someone from dying a slow, painful death, would you, Fred Wolf?” How much farther can they go with that tactic? You get a letter that says, “You don’t want little Bobby to die, do you?” They’ve got a picture of “little Bobby” in a wheelchair with his arms spread, and the caption reads, “Help me, Fred Wolf! Help me!”

But this American Lung letter was a typical one. My name was all over it, you know, and at the end, it says, “So please help us find a cure for this deadly disease by sending in your contribution for two dollars.” They asked for exactly two dollars. Which made me think, “Could it be possible that they’re actually that close to a cure?”…And if so, what are they telling patients in the hospital? “Well, Mr. Henderson, we’d love to be able to tell you that we have a cure for your disease and that you’ll live a long, full life, but we’re two bucks short….We’ve written Fred Wolf….Right now, it’s just a waiting game, buddy.”

So here’s a tip: sometimes I’m sitting around, thinking about all the world’s problems — the crime, misery, disease, racism — and I think, “Man, I should really get out there and do something about it,” but then I get really sleepy, I take a nap, and I’m okay. So, back to you, Norm.

Norm: Hey, Fred Wolf, everybody! Fred Wolf!

In, uh, Montel Williams’ new book, Mountain, Get Out of My Way, the talk show host shares insights on how to set and achieve goals in life. Publishers expect it to be a bestseller, outdoing even his first book: Hair, Get Off of My Head. [some cheers and applause]

A Nobel Prize-winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a 15-year-old boy. So the arrest really shouldn’t come as a big surprise; his Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

Finally, some good news. According to her doctor, legendary actress Katherine Hepburn is recovering nicely from her recent illness, and they have even upgraded her condition to decrepit. So that…that’s a…it’s a nice…[surprised by lack of negative reaction] that’s nice. What, you don’t like her? You don’t like Katherine Hepburn, for God’s sake?

And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 1/20/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

The nation is still reeling from Thursday’s bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match; she’s more of a, uh, stay-at-home type, and he’s more of a homosexual pedophile.

This week, in a speech honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Clinton said that if Dr. King were alive today, he would have supported the deployment of U.S. troops to Bosnia. Later, when asked how he could use the late civil rights leader’s name in such a self-serving manner, Clinton hopped a plane to England and lit up a big fat joint.

Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, in which he’ll focus on crime, education, and the economy. At the request of the First Lady, part of the President’s speech will be huge lies.

This week on NBC’s “Dateline,” three members of the Simpson jury explained their “not guilty” votes, and argued that if Simpson had killed his wife, there should have been blood stains all over his gate, front door, and light switches. Also this week, Simpson friend Al Cowlings released his video How to Get Blood Stains off Gates, Front Doors, and Light Switches. [cheers and applause]

And in Brentwood, O.J. himself was spotted manning a lemonade stand with his daughter Sydney. Asked by reporters why sales were so poor, O.J. replied, “Beats me.” And then he went back to cutting lemons with a giant knife.

Well, bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry. This week, the Food and Drug Administration banned their newest flavor: Ben’s Back Hair.

In an interview last week, Administrator of the FAA David R. Hinson explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird….Can’t even hardly understand most of ’em.

John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to “Roseanne” next year, so how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him. [some cheers and applause]

And now, folks, here with the local news is our own Joe Blow! Hey Joe!

[pan over to Joe]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. In local news, I’m barely treadin’ water. Kids across the street are playin’ with fire, and the guy around the corner is skatin’ on thin ice.

In foreign relations, Norm, the new family two doors down, they make noise all night, they play their music. They got 12 of them living here on one visitors visa. They’ve got the car in the living room and the couch on the lawn. They come down the block, they take up the whole sidewalk. I walk past them, they squeeze me out into the gutter. Norm, in your opinion, what is the action I should take, if any?

Norm: I – I – I – I don’t really feel qualified, Joe, I… [Joe nods]

Joe: In economic news, the job is still the job. Everybody gives you the silent treatment. Unless they’re tryin’ to sell you candy for the kids’ Catholic school. You have to buy at least two boxes, or else they call you a cheap bastard behind your back. I brought five boxes of Russell Strover’s from Rosario the checker. It didn’t help. Meanwhile, now his kid wins a new 10-speed, I’m still out on the loading dock with one glove. Nobody knows what happened to the other one, but of course, I have my suspects. Then you got Fat Anthony, drives the forklift, Norm. He swings the blades, he barely misses your shins. One time, all right, it’s a joke. Two or three times, I’m gonna take off my glove, eventually.

In domestic news, I had to get my son out of jail again. He wants to be a tough guy. I was the same way, in a gang, Norm. We all were, right? [he and Norm nod]…The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets.

In entertainment news, I went to see that movie, the one with the guy with the girl with the guy with the friend. I walked out, my wife doesn’t appreciate that kind of language. And I don’t like it, either. I mean, Norm, you seem to do pretty good, you don’t resort to profanity. Your sketch goes over big. Pretty big.

Norm: Oh, well – well – well thanks, Joe.

Joe: When are we gonna go for that beer, Norm?

Norm: What – what – what beer?

Joe: Do you remember the last time I was on here, we talked about goin’ for a beer? When would that, uh, transpire, do you think?

Norm: Oh, well, you know, I’d like to, Joe, you know. It’s just a matter of finding the time, so…

Joe: Norm, you gotta make the time for things that are important to you in life. I mean, uh, no offense, but uh, you don’t seem to budget your time very well….Let’s nail down a date.

Norm: [after a pause] April 11th?

Joe: April 11th. Done. April 11th it is, Norm.

Norm: Oh, okay. Joe Blow, ladies and gentlemen!

And now Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned 100 years old today. [cheers and applause]…You know, I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I – I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either. [cheers and applause]

Barbara Jordan, the first African-American woman in Congress, died this week at the age of 59. Remarkably, singer James Brown had nothing to do with it.

Eric Etheridge, editor of George magazine, has quit over policy differences with the publication’s editor-in-chief, John F. Kennedy, Jr. Translation: they’re both banging the same receptionist.

Finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, now he’s probably up in Heaven racking them up for a game with St. Peter. Or maybe he’s in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh and the agonies of the damned never cease. [more enthusiastically] Either way, he’ll be missed.

And that’s all for now, folks! That’s the way it is! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 9/30/95

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic] [opening music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you….Thank you….Tha-anks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and I’ll be there for you.

Well, the Trial of the Century is over. Late yesterday, the fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in United States history, was placed in the hands of the jurors. They must now decide whether to free him or get all their heads cut off.

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey hey, easy with that! That’s my lucky stabbin’ hat!”

In the course of his summation, Cochran also brought out Detective Mark Fuhrman, calling him a, quote, “genocidal racist,” and comparing him to Adolf Hitler. Fuhrman later responded, “After all the things he said about me during this trial, it’s a little late to start sucking up now.”

Meanwhile, Fuhrman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD, may get off lightly. Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have been reduced to, quote, “one count of using the word ‘darky.'”

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause] [photo of Anna Nicole Smith kissing J. Howard Marshall] Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbageman, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Nancy: I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm: Well, is that…that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy: No no, Norm, there’s one more item. I’m a new cast member. I just moved here all the way from Chicago. And this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….[cheers and applause] No, that’s – that’s not right. That’s not right.

Nancy: What are you gonna do?

Norm: Well – well, hey! Maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy: You really think so?

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Noo, noo…no, no. Nancy Walls, everybody!…Nancy Walls.

Remember 12 Angry Men, the classic courtroom drama? Well, the first film about the O.J. Simpson case is in the works. It’s entitled Nine Angry Black People, Two Scared Asians, and a White Guy Who Hasn’t Spoken Since Rosa Lopez.

In Carlsbad, Texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring 16 inmates. Doctors say it will be at least two weeks before the men are up and around and raping each other again.

America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number two: Ezra. [delayed applause] [photo of Elton John with a tennis racket in his mouth] Meanwhile, Elton John continues to deny rumors that he is engaged to his tennis racket.

Finally, folks, next week, Jews everywhere will be celebrating the holiday of Yom Kippur. Or as non-Jews refer to it: Wednesday.

And that’s all for now, folks. Good night!

[closing music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts] [fade to black]

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20




95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

[ audience screams and cheers ]

Norm MacDonald: Hi! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.

Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republiccan lawmakers said, “Shhhh!”

Arriving back in the U.S., after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn’t spent Mother’s Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, “Idiot! I didn’t spend Mother’s Day with my kids because I killed their mother!”

While in England, where he spoke at Oxford University, Simpson had defended actor Marlon Brando’s criticism of Hollywood Jews. Later, from his island hideaway, Brando sent O.J. a telegram, which read, “You’re not helping!”

According to this week’s Star Magazine, Unabomber suspect, Ted Kaczynski, is still a virgin at the age of 53. This isn’t too surpising, when you consider that Kaczynski’s best pick-up line was “My dirty woodshack or yours?”

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out agaisnt same-sex marriages. What’s more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

According to published reports, M-TV News anchor Tabitha Soren has been romantically linked to journalist Michael Lewis. Soren denies the reports, claiming she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend because she’s too busy pretending not to be stupid.

It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Tomorrow night on “60 Minutes”, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don’t do it, Andy, it’s a trap! It’s a trap!

[ show cover of Vanity Fair, with t-shirt-clad Tom Cruise stretching his arms in front of a huge, flaming fire, with the headline “Cruise on Fire” ]

In an interview in this month’s Vanity Fair, actor Tom Cruise attempts to end, once and for all, rumors that he is gay.

While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a bible. Most shocking of all: Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

This week, the FDA gave final approval to a device that prevents heart attacks by blasting the heart with a powerful jolt of electricity. If the device works properly, you will not have a heart attack. If it doesn’t work properly, you will have a giant heart attack.

Well, more O.J. Simpson news. On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President, adding, “I’d like to help him any way I can.” To which the President replied, “Well, there is one thing.”
[ cut to photo of Hillary Clinton ]

And, finally tonight, we at Weekend Update salute a fellow journalist on his retirement. John Tesh is leaving his job at “Entertainment Tonight”, in order to concentrate on making horrible, horrible music.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is! See you next year, folks, have a good summer!

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Goodnights

…..Jim Carrey

[ Jim Carrey stands with his arm around Joe Dicso ]

Jim Carrey: It’s Joe Dicso’s last night here, ladies and gentlemen! He’s been here for 21 years – he’s seen it all!

[ the audience cheers for Joe ]

I’d like to thank Soundgarden! Thank you! I had a wonderful time! It’s a great cast! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: I’ll See You In Hell!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

I’ll See You In Hell!

Joe Pilson…..Jim Carrey
Mr. Clemens…..Darrell Hammond
coworker…..Will Ferrell
Jill 2…..Molly Shannon
Mr. Steiner…..Tim Meadows
Jill…..Nancy Walls
Delivery Boy…..Chris Kattan
Mr. Henry…..Mark McKinney

[ open on exterior, opffice building ] [ dissolve to interior, office filled with employees seated at desks, except for Joe Pilson, who stands while talking to client Mr. clemens ]

Joe Pilson: I don’t believe this! You’ve stolen thousands of dollars from us! We’re clearly in the right, and you’re going to file a frivilous lawsuit against us?! This is ridiculous!

Mr. Clemens: Fine! I’ll see you in court!

Joe Pilson: Hey – why don’t we just skip that. And I’ll see you.. in HELL!!

[ Mr. Clemens walks away, as the other employees around the office applaud Joe’s remark ]

Coworker: Alright!

Mr. Steiner: Hey, nice job, Joe!

Jill 2: Hey, yeah, you really gave it to him!

Mr. Steiner: Joe, I heard what you just said to Mr. Clemens. Let me say: Good job! [ they shake hands ]

Joe Pilson: Thank you, Mr. Steiner.

Mr. Steiner: Alright. [ exits ] [ Joe ambles over to Jill’s desk ]

Joe Pilson: Oh, hey, Jill. Where’s that.. Clemens report?

Jill: Ohh, right. You know, I will get it to you first thing tomorrow morning.

Joe Pilson: Yeah. You’d better. Or else, you know what? [ screams ] I’ll see you in Hell!!

Jill 2: Heyyyy. [ stomps out of the office ] [ Delivery Boy enters the office ]

Delivery Boy: Hey there, Mr. Pilson. Here’s that muffin and cappucino you ordered.

Joe Pilson: Decaf?

Delivery Boy: No.. I thought you wanted regular?

Joe Pilson: No. I said decaf.

Delivery Boy: Okay. I’ll just take it back and bring you a decaf.

Joe Pilson: Yeah, I think you will. Or else: I’ll.. see you.. in Hell!

Delivery Boy: Lighten up, huh? [ exits ]

Coworker: So, Joe, uh – I-I’ll meet you at the ball game around eight, okay?

Joe Pilson: Yeah, I think you will!

Coworker: I’m-I’m sorry?

Joe Pilson: You’ll be there by eight! You’ll be there, alright. Or, guess what? I’ll see you in Hell!

Coworker: Okay, you know, that worked for you once, uh.. but I’m thinking maybe you should give the whole thing a rest.

Joe Pilson: [ losing it ] Yeah! Maybe I should! Maybe I should give it a rest! Or maybe, I should see you.. [ moves his mouth up against his coworker’s ear ] IN HELLLL!!!!

Coworker: Alright. [ returns to his desk ] [ Jill 2 walks up to Joe ]

Jill 2: Joe..

Joe Pilson: [ screams ] I’ll see you in Hell!

[ dissolve to exterior, office building ]

Narrator: [ over scroll ] “Six months went by, and Joe Pilson ocntinued to use the phrase, “I’ll see you in Hell” until it became so entrenched in his vernacular, that the words completely lost their power.”

[ dissolve back to interior, office, as Joe types on his computer and is interrupted by a phone call ]

Joe Pilson: Hello! No, you must have the wrong number. That’s okay. I’ll see you in Hell! [ hangs up ] [ Jill 2 walks up ] Oh, uh, here’s tht computer disc you needed.

Joe Pilson: Thanks a lot, Jill. See you in Hell!

[ Mr. Steiner enters the office with Mr. Henry in tow ]

Mr. Steiner: Joe, this is Mr. Henry.

Mr. Henry: Hey.

Joe Pilson: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Henry. [ under his breath ] I’ll see you in Hell.

Mr. Henry: I’m sorry?

Mr. Steiner: Uh, nothing, nothing. I believe you have a payment for Mr. Henry, Joe.

[ Joe sits down and rummages through a drawer in his desk ]

Mr. Henry: [ sits next to Joe ] Well. It’s been great doing business with you, by the way.

Joe Pilson: Well. It’s a pleasure doing business with you. [ between gritted teeth ] I’ll see you in Hell!

Mr. Henry: Sorry, what was that?

Mr. Steiner: He didn’t say anything. Uh, just give him the check, Joe.

[ Joe hands the check to Mr. Henry, who frowns when he looks at it ]

Mr. Henry: I’m sorry, but this check is made out to “I’ll see you in Hell”?

Mr. Steiner: Look, I’m really sorry. Will you excuse us for a moment?

Mr. Henry: [ stands ] I just met the man, why does he want to see me in Hell? [ exits scene ]

Mr. Steiner: I don’t know. [ stands over Joe ] Look – that is enough. you’re using it in every sentence now!

Joe Pilson: That’s not true. [ a beat ] I’ll see you in Hell.

Mr. Steiner: Okay, look, that’s the last straw. I hate to do this, because I know it will give you a legitimate reason to use that phrase, but – Joe, you’re fired!

Joe Pilson: Yeah?

Mr. Steiner: Yeah?

Joe Pilson: [ stands, as the music plays a dramatic sting ] You may fire me now.. but, someoday —

Mr. Steiner: Here it comes.

Joe Pilson: Someday! As sure as I’m standing right here —

Mr. Steiner: Mmm hmm.

Joe Pilson: You’ll regret this!

Mr. Steiner: Why?

Joe Pilson: Because, my friend: I! Will see! You! In! [ tries to get the word out, but falls into a spasm instead, as his heart pounds and his body drops to the floor ]

Jill 2: [ runs into scene ] Oh! Oh, my god! QWhat do you think he was going to say?!

Mr. Steiner: I guess we’ll never know.

Jill 2: Oh!

[ dissolve to black screen, with words: “78,043,721,902 Years Later” ] [ dissolve to the flames of Hell climbing to the sky, as Joe Pilson stands in the middle, checking his watch and rubbing his forehead impatiently ]

Joe Pilson: Man! When the heck are those guys gonna get here? [ looks offscreen, as his coworker enters ]

Coworker: Heeeeyyy!!

Joe Pilson: Heeeeeyyy!!! [ they hug ] I told ya’ I’d see ya’!

Coworker: [ laughs ] look who’s here!

[ Delivery Boy enters, carrying a bag ]

Delivery Boy: I got decaf, buddy! [ hands the bag to Joe ]

Joe Pilson: [ laughs ] Oh, you crazy man!

[ Jill 2 enters ]

Jill 2: Ohhh!! [ hugs Joe ]

Joe Pilson: Look at you!

[ Jill, Mr. Steiner and Mr. Henry also enter the scene ]

Joe Pilson: What happened? Did you guys eat in the cafeteria!

[ they all share the laugh ]

Joe Pilson: Let me show you around! Have you met Ben Franklin?

Everyone: Nooo!!

[ Joe runs offscreen, as the group, including Mr. Clemens, follows ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Overprotective Lifeguard



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20





95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Overprotective Lifeguard

Man…..Will Ferrell
Lifeguard…..Jim Carrey
Lap Swimmer…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Man relaxing in an indoor jacuzzi, as a freaky-looking Lifeguard enters ]

Lifeguard: [ standing over jacuzzi, blowing a whistle ] Norough-housing.. in the jacuzzi! Settle down, please!

Man: You’re, uh.. you’re talking to me?

Lifeguard: Cut the horseplay, Sir.. or I’ll be forced to eject you from the swimming facility.. thank you, so much!

Man: I’m sorry.. uh.. who exactly are you?

Lifeguard: [ sits atop lifeguard chair and points at “Lifeguard On Duty” sign ] Lifeguard on Duty, Sir! If you don’t mind, I have to watch the water! [ stares intently at the water in the jacuzzi ]

Man: You’re the lifeguard for the little jacuzzi here?

Lifeguard: Correct, Sir! Continue splashing, and I’ll be forced to ban you from all aquatic activity! Thank you!

Man: you know, I’m just splashing water on myself, on my face..

Lifeguard:

Man: But I’m the only guy in this jacuzzi right now..

Lifeguard: I am on watch, Sir.. I cannot have thisconversation right now! [ stares at jacuzzi through binoculars – notices Man stretch himself across the jacuzzi, so he whips out a bullhorn ] ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! YOU ARE TOO FAR!! RETURN IMMEDIATELY!!

Man: Are you talking to me?

Lifeguard: [ waving naval flags ] Slide back to the wall! You are blocking the bubble jets! Repeat! You are blocking the bubble jets!

Man: Alright, fine.. [ slides back ] Is right here good?

Lifeguard: Watch that underow, Sir! It’ll blow you right out! [ gets up and throws divider rope across half of the jacuzzi ] Watch out!

Man: Wait.. what is this..?

Lifeguard: Siz o’clock, Sir! This side of the pool is for lap swimming only!

Man: What?

[ Lap Swimmer enters ]

Lifeguard: Afternoon, Mr. Garson!

Lap Swimmer: Good to see you, Frank!

[ Lifeguard blows his whistle, signalling the Lap Swimmer to jump in the jacuzzi and proceed to swim mini-laps back and forth for a minute ]

Lifeguard: [ blowing whistle ] Lap time is over!

Lap Swimmer: [ getting out of jacuzzi ] Whoo! That felt great! [ exits ]

Lifeguard: [ blows whistle at the Man ] Resume general swim!

Man: [ stands up to dry himself ]

Lifeguard: [ points bullhorn at Man’s face ] NO DIVING, SIR!!NO DIVING!!

Man: I’m not diving..!

Lifeguard: [ through bullhorn ] THE ENTIRE STAFF APPRECIATES YOUR COOPERATION!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Man: [ sits back down and massages his foot ] Oooh.. ahh.. ow..

Lifeguard: Is there an emergency, Sir?!

Man: No! I just got a small cramp in my toe..

Lifeguard: CRAMP?! [ rushes to wall to grab life preserver and arm floaties ] Everyone, be calm! Stay away from this area! There’s nothing to see here!

Man: You’re not talking about me, are you..?

Lifeguard: Swimmer, do not panic! I am a trained professional lifesaver! [ dives into the jacuzzi and rescues the struggling Man ] Do not fight me, Sir! Just relax!

Man: What the hell are you doing!!

Lifeguard: [ throws Man against the side of the jacuzzi and snaps fingers in front of his eyes ] Can you hear me, Sir!

Man: Yes, I can you!

Lifeguard: Can you hear me!

Man: Yes!

Lifeguard: [ starts pounding on Man’s chest, hoping to revive him ] Nooo! It’s not your time yet! [ pulls Man forward and gives him mouth-to-mouth, much to the Man’s chagrin ]

Man: [ struggles free, upset ] I’m okay!! I AM OKAY!! You know, I don’t appreciate this! This is HORRIBLE!!

Lifeguard: That’s okay, Sir! You don’t have to thank me! You’ve been exposed to a horrible trauma! Just play it safe from now on! I think I’m gonna go for a little swim!

[ still inside life preserver, Lifeguarddives underwater, as the Man quickly exits the jacuzzi, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Jim Carrey’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jim Carrey’s Monologue

…..Jim Carrey
Audience Member…..Adam McKay

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jim Carrey!

Jim Carrey: [ moves his body like a robot, stretches his arms out toward the audience ] People of New York! I mean you no harm! Do not fear me! I come, not to destroy, but to brighten your lives through laughter and merriment! In exchange, I ask nothing more than your unconditional surrender! To “The Cable Guy”! Opening June 14th! And, perhaps, a crack at one of your freaky super models!

Our worlds are similar, yet different! Where I come from, minimum wage is $20 million! Yet, somehow, I manage to make ends meet! Some of your ways I do not undetand. Like the phrase “Over the top.” I do not understand this! where I come from, spastic facial contortions are considered the ultimate in artistic achievement! And talking out of one’s buttcrack, a sign of personal confidence!

[ the audience cheers, as Carrey lowers his arms and motions to the control booth ]

Jim Carrey: Can we just hold on for a second? Just hold on. Something is bothering me. There’s something very wrong here. You know, I’ve been up here trying to make you guys laugh since I got out here. But there’s one guy who’s really bothering me, because he’s got a stone face, and he’s not even smiling, and he’s right in the front row!

[ cut to audience member sitting stone-faced in the front row of the audience ]

And it’s really starting to get to me, you know? This guy, right here. [ points to the man and steps toward him ] Hey! What’s the problem, buddy?

Audience Member: I’m just not crazy about this whole spaceman thing, you know? It’s kind of going over my head. Can’t you be more like you are in the movies?

Jim Carrey: Oh, I see? A little smart for ya’, huh? I know what you want. [ returns to the Home Base ] You want me to come out here and go: “Allllrighty, then!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I know that! I know that!

Jim Carrey: I bet you’d love it if I just threw out the whole monologue, and went, “Ssssssssomebody stop me!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I knew it! That’s the good thing you do!

Jim Carrey: You want the Jim Carrey who goes: “Le-hoo.. sue-her!” Or: [ spins once ] “Ssssssssmokin’!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] That’s what I know! Yeah!

Jim Carrey: In that case.. [ sticks his teeth out wide ] “Let me show you something! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Soundgarden is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, and watch me sell out big time!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Nightline



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on stock footage of Sen. Bob Dole delivering a speech ]

Sen. Bob Dole: Thank you very much!

Ted Koppel V/O: After 28 years in the Senate.. Bob Dole calls it quits.

[ dissolve to “Nightline” opening ]

Announcer: This is “Nightline.” Reporting live, from Washington – Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: In what many are calling a political Hail Mary pass, Bob Dole, this week, resigned from the Senate, in order to devote his full energies to the presidential campaign. Here to discuss this surprising decision, is Senator – soon to be former Senator – Bob Dole.

[ cut to Bob Dole, as the audience cheers heroically ]

Sen. Bob Dole: How do you do, Ted? How do you do?

Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, you certainly seem to be in an ebulient mood.

Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles ] Well, uh – this week, Ted, with my resignation from the Senate, we’ve begun my campaign anew. I think the American people are going to give us a second look.

Ted Koppel: Senator, has the mood in your campaign been dampered at all by President Clinton’s rather startling press conference today?

Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] What press conference?

Ted Koppel: The one that concluded a few hours ago? Let’s take a look.

Sen. Bob Dole: [ more nervously ] What press conference would that be?

[ dissolve to taped footage of President Bill Clinton standing behind a podium on the White House lawn ] [ SUPER: “The White House, Earlier Today” ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming. First off, I would like to thank Senator Dole for his decades of service to our country. The Senate will be a poorer place for his absence. But I do know why he resigned.. and it got me to thinking. So, effective immediately, I am resigning from the office of the President of the United States —

[ quick cut to Bob Dole looking agitated ] [ cut back to Clinton speaking ]President Bill Clinton: — so that my duties will not distract me from my presidential campaign. Furthermore, to ensure that absolutely nothing interferes with my quest for the presidency, earlier today, in a District of Columbia public court, I filed for divorce from my wife, Hillary, on the grounds that she was a big distraction. Thank you.

[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, your thoughts?

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh — [ drops his pen ]

Ted Koppel: It would seem the President has one-upped you.

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh, not at all, Ted. In fact, after much soul searching, prayer, and consultation with my wife, Elizabeth, I’ve decided that I, uh – well, uh, in order to give the Amercian people the kind of presidential campaign that they deserve – well, I can’t do it like Bill Clinton, as just a man. That’s why I intend to undergo a series of medical procedures which will permit me to campaign, not as a man, but as a kind of half-man/ half-woman. Some kind of an androgynous sex neuter.

Ted Koppel: That is absolutely astounding, Mr. Dole! I mean, how’s this going to be accomplished?

Sen. Bob Dole: [ fumbling for words ] Well, uh – uh – ah, I don’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of it, Ted! It’s kind of a grisly thing there, but I think the American people will agree that we’ve had too much of the whole male-female gridlock on Capitol Hill, and it’s time to move beyond that! Uh – well, the new gender-neutral Bob Dole is the candidate who can do it!

Ted Koppel: In other words, you plan to run – not as Bob Dole, Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, but as Bob Dole, she-male? Forgive me, Senator, but a cynic might say this is just a way of dealing with the gender gap issue, and a rather unsavory one at that.

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – okay, Ted, how about this: Bob Dole. Not male, not female – not even human! Bob Dole, beam of pure energy! [ chuckles triumphantly ] How about that! It never tires, it never ages!

Ted Koppel: Senator, even assuming you could be converted into pure energy, where would this beam of energy be stored?

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – well, the Bob Dole energy beam would be stored in a – in a – crystal! And then, when Congress was ready to pass real welfare reform, real deficit reduction, why Bob Dole, why, he’d, uh – he’d simply jump out of the crystal and materialize!

Ted Koppel: Like – like Obi-wan Kinobi?

Sen. Bob Dole: Yeah. Whoever that is, sure.

Ted Koppel: Senator, to be honest, I liked the she-male idea better.

Sen. Bob Dole: You did, huh? Well, uh – ah, well, you’re right, Ted Koppel! Who the hell am I kidding? I don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in this election.

Ted Koppel: I-I wouldn’t say that, Senator.

Sen. Bob Dole: Hey, hey, what about that! Bob Dole, Chinaman! Yeah! Hard working, good at math!

Ted Koppel: [ shakes his head ] Senator, I’m gonna stop now before you embarrass yourself any further.

Sen. Bob Dole: Ah, you call that embarrassment, huh? I’ll give you embarrassment right now. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts