Larry King’s News & Views II


Larry King’s News & Views II

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald


[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re still not reading “LarryKing’s News & Views,” then you shouldn’t be reading atall.

Larry King: [into the camera] Blue is wonderfulbut yellow is the best color.

I don’t care what anyone says, in my book, JeffreyDahmer was not a cannibal.

When actor Harry Hamlin is on the tube, it’simpossible to look away.

Two “must-dos” when visiting Atlanta: you must visitthe Martin Luther King Memorial and you musttry the cole slaw at Ezra’s.

Here’s my question of the day, folks: Why arereservations good if you make them at a restaurant butbad if you force Indians to live on them?

Of all the hosts of “The Tonight Show,” one of the twoor three greatest has got to be Johnny Carson.

Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Larry King: Somebody ought to tell all thesecigarette smokers – it just ain’t safe, gang!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Space: The Infinite Frontier


Space: The Infinite Frontier

Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Dr. Ken Waller…..Jeff Goldblum
Station Manager…..Mark McKinney


Announcer: From the outer most reaches of the universe, to the inner most planets of our solar syatem, This is “Space The Infinite Frontier” with your host Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray.

Harry Caray: Hi everybody Harry Caray here, and welcome to Space The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya, joining us in the studio today all the way from Cal-Tech is astrophysicist Dr. Ken Waller. Welcome to the show Ken.

Dr. Ken Waller: Thank You! It’s nice to be here.

Harry Caray: Now Dr. recently they discovered that there might be life on one of the moons of Jupiter. Now that’s gotta be exciting for ya.

Dr. Ken Waller: Oh yes Harry were thrilled to discover that there theoretically life could exist below the surface of planets due to the heat caused by volcanic activity.

Harry Caray: That’s something else. Let me ask what’s your favorite planet.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well, I don’t have a favorite. I find them all fascinating there all a part of a-

Harry Caray: Mine’s the sun. Always has been. I like it because it’s like the king of planets.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well, Actually Harry it’s not a planet it’s a star.

Harry Caray: Well! Planet or starwhen that thing burns out were all gonna be dead.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well that’s true but it’s not gonna burn out for a very long time.

Harry Caray: I hope not. Dr. have you ever seen an eclipse.

Dr. Ken Waller: Ah! Yeah I’ve seen many.

Harry Caray: You know if you stare at it head on it’ll burn your eyes out.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well it’s not best to stare at the sun in an eclipse.

Harry Caray: Well it’s hard not to. I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at the sun for over a hour.

Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you do that?

Harry Caray: Curiosity I guess. Heck I’m curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers.

Dr. Ken Waller: Because your curious like a cat.

Harry Caray: Yes! Hey! Now Ken we all know thta the moon is noty made of green cheese.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! That’s true Harry.

Harry Caray: But what if it were made of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it then.

Dr. Ken Waller: What!

Harry Caray: I know I would. Heck I’d have seconds. Then polish it off with a tall cool budweiser. I would do it.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yeah!

Harry Caray: Would you.

Dr. Ken Waller: I’m confused.

Harry Caray: It’s a simple question. Would you eat the monon if it were made of ribs.

Dr. Ken Waller: I don’t know how to answer that.

Harry Caray: It’s not rocket science. Just say yes ans will move on.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes!

Harry Caray: Hey! How bout this mad cow disease.

Dr. Ken Waller: What about it.

Harry Caray: Well it was here for a while then it went away.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! Yes! it was in the news for a while then it disappeared.

Harry Caray: Good point! I hpe I never get it. Hey! What about this. If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease what would it be.

Dr. Ken Waller: well! Of course I would choose to be the the top scientist in my field.

Harry Caray: Oh good! I was worried you’d choose mad cow.

Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you think that.

Harry Caray: I don’t know I’m just a worrier I guess. That’s why my friends call me whiskers.

Dr. Ken Waller: I thought you said your friends call you Whiskers cause you’re curious as a cat.

Harry Caray: Well Dr. Waller it has been a pleasure. We’ve covered a lot of ground and shared a few laughs thanks for coming on.

Dr. Ken Waller: My pleasure.

Harry Caray: He’s a good kid. That’s all the time we he have join us next week with our guest Albert Einstein.

(Station manager whispers into Harry Caray’s ear)

Harry Caray: What! Well apparently Albert Einstein died 42 years ago. You know what, we’ll try to get him anyway. See you next time. Cubs win! Cubs win!

Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald


Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Lenny the Lion … Colin Quinn


[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald.Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesdayagainst Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’sfirst female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused ofconducting an adulterous affair with a married man aswell as having a brief fling with a second airman andthen lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor calledher, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commandingofficer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.”Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. …[applause]

Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out morethan seven hundred and fifty million in a courtsettlement when it admitted that its cigarettes areaddictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiledits new warning label. It reads: “Warning: Don’t tryto sue us, we don’t have any money left.”

Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved anoutline of a deal between President Clinton andcongressional leaders to balance the budget. But bothsides caution it is not set in stone. In order tobecome official, of course, it must still be approvedby this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderlybespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it] … He’s gotta–

Man in Audience: Boo!

Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? …[shrugs] No reason to boo anything.

It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutorsMarcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexuallyexplicit notes back and forth at the trial, noteswhich discussed each other’s, quote, “turn ons.” And,according to the notes, both Darden and Clark areturned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz![Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defenseattorney Alan Dershowitz]

Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining todo. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets,including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown andGoldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave thecountry. In the back seat of his Bronco, police foundO. J.’s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fakebeard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]

According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, HenriettaCollins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out ofher life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pullstape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Noteto self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins ofher life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first…. [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfullyto return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pocketsrecorder] …

This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressedpublished reports that her husband had an extramaritalaffair saying, quote, “Frank did and always does whatis right.” Kathie Lee’s statement has been widelyinterpreted as a public admission that her husbandbeats her. … [applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapesof several bears in the tristate area — That can’t betrue! — and several animal attacks in the news. … Ithink we just made up the story here. We have broughtin someone who can help us shed some light on thisoutbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see allover the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion ishere! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan overto Lenny]

Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I knowwhy those bears ran away. The zoo can be a roughplace. My first year, I got in about fifty fights.They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let meout to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week.They won’t let you make phone calls. I can’t make themanyway because– [holds up a paw, no opposable thumbwith which to hold a phone] … They open up all yourmail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on,Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on theDiscovery Channel. …

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that – that doesn’t seemright. But– And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad,though, Lenny.

Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation touphold. If you’re the lion, everybody is gonna tryyou. It’s that street mentality. I had it, too. ButI’m tryin’ to change. I thought– I used to think thatif I was killin’ an ostrich or something, that was mynatural instinct. But I been discussin’ it with mycounselor. It’s not my natural instinct, Norm. It’sall about my father. You know? … I was just actingout his rage. I know that now. I understand it. Imean, one day, I just – I just did a kill, I’mstandin’ over a bloody carcass, there’s flieseverywhere, the vultures are circling, I have bloodand bone all over me, I’m roaring. And I just caughtmy reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Isthis how people see me? … Is this how I’m comin’across? I didn’t want to look at myself so I’d ratherjust kill you. So, now, I don’t hang around with otherlions. I’ll stop by and say hello. But they alwaysstart in with, “Let’s kill this one, let’s kill that.”… It’s the same conversation we were havin’ twentyyears ago! … Now, I’m tryin’ to change. I’m seein’somebody. She’s got a kid by a tiger. You know? …[applause] The kid – the kid don’t wanna listen to me’cause I’m not his real father, so we don’t get along.I still got a lot o’ guilt over my teenage daughterfrom my first mating. She’s in an abusive situationbut she don’t want to leave. … She’s with one ofthese wannabes, tryin’ to be a gangsta. He ain’t hard.I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. Youknow? … You’re a father, right, Norm?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a – I have ason.

Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wannabreak this chain of violence that gets passed downthrough the generations.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it’s differentfor you, Lenny. Lenny, you’re the King of theJungle!

Lenny the Lion: If that’s how you need to seeme, Norm, okay, I’m the King of the Jungle. But Idon’t need to be the King of the Jungle for you, orthe rhinos, or the reptiles, or some “Law of Nature”hype. Bein’ the King of the Jungle’s gotten all myfriends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some richguy’s wall. Today, I can just be “Lenny” — the Lion.A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Furis murder. Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody!There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lennyexits]

In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for oneof the area’s leading political figures, attended bythe city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board ofsupervisors, culminated with a performance in which adominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic starinto the back of her male partner, then urinated onhim, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquorbottle. After learning of the incident from pressreports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outragethat the liquor bottle was not recycled.

In his new film, “Legionnaire,” action starJean-Claude Van Damme will join the French ForeignLegion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920sParis who flees a mob boss after falling in love withthe man’s mistress. Also, although it doesn’t sayanything here about it, uh, I’ll bet there’s plentyof, uh — of kicking!

Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature onWeekend Update: “In Their Own Words.” As you remember,last month in the televised town meeting on kids anddrugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and theaudience as well, when he said, quote, “I receive manyletters from five year old kids around the country,telling me that they are frightened and asking for myhelp.” Earlier this week the White House released thetext of some of these letters.[Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut,a five year old child, writes: “Dear Mr. President:When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayermoney on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they canjoin you in your efforts to protect Medicare and theenvironment and to expand the earned income taxcredit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.” [Photo ofgirl] Here’s one from … from Elizabeth A. of LongIsland who wrote: “Dear President Clinton, NewtGingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also,Paula Jones was asking for it.” … “In Their OwnWords.”

Under a new law passed by the State Assembly,effective next year, Michigan will set aside anallotment of hunting licenses for blind people. …This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. …They– [applause]

Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state willreceive twenty million dollars in federal funds tohelp teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiiansout of twenty million dollars by pretending to be aguy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses,thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note toself: Before I start, also learn to read. …That will help give the scam what we like to call”credibility.” [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like amaniac, pockets recorder] … That’s a bigword.

A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C.Mayor Marion Barry’s popularity among city residentshas dropped to its lowest point in five years.However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest inpolls or, for that matter, anything else that isn’tcrack. … He has – Really has no interest in– Whatthe hell good are polls gonna do him?

Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicatethat David Hasselhoff is a major recording star inthat country, where his concerts routinely sell outand his albums turn platinum. Which once again provesmy old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [verymild reaction from crowd]

And it’s been fun, folks! Thank you!

[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk andstarts to take the microphone off his necktie.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Oprah’s Book Club

Oprah’s Book Club

Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Sheila Harcourt…..Pamela Lee
Estelle…..Molly Shannon
Guest…..Ana Gasteyer
Carol…..Cheri Oteri
Butler…..Mark McKinney


[FADE in on a slide showing the front of a book called, “Ruth Is Alright” by Sheila Harcourt and the caption “BOOK CLUB” next to it. FADE to Oprah sitting in a studio in front of a huge projection of the book cover.]

Oprah: Hi there, and welcome to another chapter of Oprah’s Book Club! I am so excited about this month’s book: [holds up book] “Ruth Is Alright,” by Sheila Harcourt. Now, let me tell you something, girl: I love this book. It’s the story of a woman named Ruth, who is black. She grows up in the South, moves to Chicago, gets her own talk show, loses weight, gains it back, loses again… and then she gets really, really rich. It is such a universal story, girl. Okay, now, we’re gonna show you all some highlights from last night’s Book Club dinner, where three lucky viewers joined the author and myself for a fish feast, honey. [giggles]

[ZOOM in on the front of a huge mansion with pillars.]

Oprah: [off camera] Because the main character in Sheila’s book made such a success of her life, we decided to celebrate her by having dinner at a place befitting the stature of someone wealthy and dynamic. So we dined at my house.

[FADE to a slide of a green leaf and a caption, “the dinner,” then FADE to Oprah’s elegant dining room, where she sits at a round table with Sheila Harcourt and three other women. Everyone giggles and sips from fancy flutes of wine.]

Oprah: All right, all right. Now, first of all, I want to thank you all for coming to my home. And I want to introduce the author of “Ruth Is Alright,” Sheila Harcourt. [claps]

[The three “regular” women all moan in awe and fawn over her.]

Oprah: Honey, I loved your book, girl. YOU are all right.

[The guests giggle and moan.]

Sheila: Girl, YOU are all right.

Ladies: Ooooooooooooooooo!

Sheila: Thanks to you, Oprah, I no longer have to read palms to supplement my writing career.

Oprah: Amen, girl.

[Ladies giggle and coo for a long moment.]

Estelle: [in a Sally O’Malley voice] I just thought that your little book was terrific, honey. And I just want to say to THIS lady– [pats Oprah’s shoulder] –that you are one terrific lady. You’re a superstar and you know it. You know it!

Oprah: Thank YOU, girl!

Guest: I, I, I just loved the book, Sheila. And Oprah, I just think you’re such an inspiration.

Oprah: Ooooooooooo!

Guest: It’s because of you that I own a roadside fruit stand, where I sell fruits, and also my famous “Oprahcot” pie!

Ladies: Oooooo!

Ana: I think you’re so great, Oprah!

Oprah: [sweetly] Thank you so much, girlfriend!

[Everyone giggles.]

Carol: [nervously] Well, um, I can’t believe I’m in your house, Oprah.

[Ladies giggle as Carol fidgets with her collar.]

Carol: You have a really nice house, Oprah. [glances around in awe]

[The ladies continue to laugh, then FADE to the leaf and the caption, “inspiration.” FADE back to the women at dinner.]

Oprah: [eating] Mmm-mmm! Honey, this fish is so good. [with mouth full] And the peas are, mmmm, wonderful! [turns to side] Honey, bring it on, here. Give me some more of those peas, baby.

[A white-shirted butler steps in and dishes more peas onto Oprah’s plate.]

Oprah: He’s a cutie! Thank you so much, honey.

[As the butler turns to leave, Oprah pinches him on the butt.]

Butler: HEY!

[He whirls around and glares angrily at her before walking away. The other ladies burst out laughing.]

Oprah: All right now, Sheila, now you tell me, what inspired you to write this book, girlfriend?

Sheila: Well, YOU did, Oprah. Whenever I’d hit a writing block, I’d just think about the main character, and then I’d switch her head with yours, and the block would disappear!

[Ladies giggle]

Guest: Oh, I know what you mean. Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I pretend my fruit is an audience, and I say, [shrilly] “Get with the proo-graam!”

Oprah: That is really sweet, honey. [to Sheila] Are you gonna finish those potatoes, girl?

Sheila: Oh!

[Oprah starts dishing them onto her plate. FADE to leaf and the caption, “courage,” then FADE back to Oprah, who has a large glob of potatoes smeared above the corner of her mouth.]

Oprah: Now… My friend…

[The glob slides off, and Oprah tries to catch it with her tongue, but she misses.]

Oprah: …Maya Angelou, she’s a poet, hangs out with the President. Anywhoski, she says that courage is fear that has said its prayers, girl.

Ladies: Oh! Oooooooooooo!

Oprah: Yeah. Now, what is the most courageous thing you have ever done?

Shiela: Oh, I, I stripped at my own brother’s bachelor party.

Ladies: Oooooooooooooo!

Guest: Wow. You know, after my mother died, I got my ears pierced.

Ladies: [after a blank pause] Oooooooooo.

Carol: Well, you know, um, I ate this whole meal, and I’m allergic to fish!

[Ladies coo and giggle while Carol grins uncertainly.]

Estelle: I, uh, I shot my husband’s secretary in the foot.

Oprah: [laughing] Girl, that is awful, Estelle!

Estelle: Yes. But thanks to you, Oprah, I got through it: ‘cause you’re one terrific lady. And that’s a fact. That’s a fact.

Oprah: [whispering, almost choked up] Thank YOU, girl…

[FADE to leaf and the caption, “crossroads,” then FADE to Oprah chasing the butler in circles around the table and holding out her plate.]

Butler: Get away from me!

[The other ladies hoot and cheer as Oprah keeps chasing him and his dish of food. FADE to leaf and the caption, “favorite parts,” then FADE to the women laughing at the dinner table. Potatoes are still smeared above Oprah’s mouth.]

Oprah: Now, MY favorite part of the book was when she got her own cook, honey. Mm-hm.

Estelle: Yeah. I wanna say that you have a heck of a lot of style, lady!

Oprah: Thank you, Estelle. Thank you so much. Now, Carol, what was your favorite part of the book, girl?

Carol: [looking clueless] Oh, the, the book! Uh… well, uh, I guess, it was when the lady, uh, when she, when she, uh, when she got the thing, and, um…

Oprah: [evenly] Honey, honey, did you even READ the book?

Carol: Yes, of course I read the book.

Oprah: Well, then tell us what was your favorite part, girl!

Carol: Oooooh! Ooh, could I have some more fish?

[Other ladies burst out laughing. FADE to leaf and the caption, “friendship,” then FADE to a closeup of Oprah’s face as she relaxes in a bubble bath.]

Oprah: What a fabulous dinner. It had all the right elements: great food, stimulating conversation, and great food.

[PAN back to show the other ladies in the jacuzzi with her as they all giggle.]

Guest: Thank you for giving courage a voice, Sheila. And thank you for giving it a forum, Oprah.

Oprah: [modestly] Ohhh… Well, here’s to good books, guardian angels, and personal trainers!

[Oprah flexes an arm while the ladies giggle one last time. FADE to the opening “Book Club” slide, then FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Reno-Style!


Reno-Style!

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Female Reporter…..Molly Shannon
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Wolf Blitzer…..Mark McKinney
Male Reporter…..Tim Meadows
Helen Thomas…..Ana Gasteyer


[ open on White House press conference ]

President Bill Clinton: Good afternoon. I’m here today to address speculation as to why no Independent Counsel has been appointed to investigate alleged illegal fundraising by the Democratic National Committee. Let me just say that the Attorney General has concluded that no ethical violations were committed that would warrant this kind of investigation. [ gives his thumbs-up ] Now, before I take your questions, bear in mind, I still have to use crutches when I walk! [ holds his crutches up ] See? It’s a ltitle tough for me to sit..

[ reporters start clamoring for his attention ]

Female Reporter: Uh, Mr. President? Today is the anniversary of both the Waco incident and the Oklahoma City bombing. Meanwhile, there are reports of new threats from militia groups. What is Attorney General Janet Reno doing to protect the people?

President Bill Clinton: Let me just say, the Attorney General has placed the Federal Government on a full state of alert. And, don’t worry, Janet Reno has got this under control..

[ Janet Reno crashes through a side door like the Incredible Hulk and takes over the press conference ]

Attorney General Janet Reno: You wanted her, you got her! [ grabs Clinton by the crutch and shoves him aside ] Now, you’re gonna get the straight dope from the horse’s mouth! It’s Reno Time! Now, who wants a piece of Reno? [ Wolf Blitzer stands up ] You!

Wolf Blitzer: Uh.. Wolf Blitzer, CNN News. Miss Reno, as an appointee of an administration that’s plagued with pending indictments, hasn’t the time come for you to remove yourself from the investigation?

Attorney General Janet Reno: If you ask one more question like that, you’re gonna have to rue with my foot from your ass! What kind of name is “Wolf”, anyways? [ distraught, Wolf Blitzer takes his seat ] Next question! Come on, who wants to tango?

Male Reporter: Yeah, Miss Reno? Vice-President Gore has admitted to raising money from his White House office. Given that, how can you claim there’s a lack of evidence?

Attorney General Janet Reno: Let me tell you something about Al Gore: he’s a beautiful boy, but he’ll say anything to get you in the sack!

Male Reporter: What the hell does that mean?

Attorney General Janet Reno: Shut it, tough guy! Or you’re gonna eat it, Reno-Style! Here’s some straight talk: I’m the Attorney General. That makes me Top Cop of the most powerful nation on the planet! [ President Clinton hobbles towards Janet Reno on his crutches, but she yanks them away ] Back off, Tubby! I’m just getting warmed up! [ throws the crutches across the room ] Go fetch! Go!

[ President Clinton swaggers a second, then catches his balance and smiles at the reporters ]

President Bill Clinton: I didn’t need them, anyway! [ laughs ]

Attorney General Janet Reno: I’ve got time for one more question! [ points to a reporter ] You!

Helen Thomas: Helen Thomas, UPI. Doesn’t the 1978 Independent Council Statute allow you to avoid a conflict of interest by submitting your request to a panel of three Federal judges?

Attorney General Janet Reno: You’re a sad, old lady. That’s it! End of press conference!

[ President Clinton hobbles forward again ]

President Bill Clinton: Ladies and gentlemen, forgive the Attorney General, she’s been under a lot of pressure lately, and I’d love to take your questions about my Federal Budget proposal, or my efforts to modify the Chemical Weapons treaty. I mean, nobody wants to live in a world of pollution..

Attorney General Janet Reno: [ makes fake snoring sounds behind President Clinton ] Get real! Now, I’m gonna do push-ups for everyone, and I want you to count them out loud! Blitzer, get up here and sit on my back!

[ Janet hits the floor and Wolf Blitzer sits atop her back as the other reporters count push-ups out loud ]

Reporters: One! Two! Three!

[ fast zoom to Janet Reno’s face ]

Attorney General Janet Reno: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

The Roxbury Guys


The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Club Owner…..Mark McKinney
Sexy Broad…..Pamela Lee


Music: “What is Love”, Haddaway.

[ open on exterior, China Club, evening ] [ interior, China Club. The crowd parts down the middle to reveal the twoRoxbury Guys bopping their heads at the bar. They turn around, beer bottlesin mouthes, to check out the ladies in the club. ]

Doug Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Heeeey! Wanna dance?No? [ returns to the bar ]

Steve Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Hey, you wannadance? You and me? No? [ returns to the bar ] [ suddenly, the music stops and the lights go out, bringing down the RoxburyGuys’ evening ]

Club Owner: [ jumping in front of the crowd ] Sorry, the power wentout. We’ll get it back in a second, alright?

[ the Roxbury Guys stand alone at the bar and try to make adjustments tothe sudden loss of power ]

Steve Butabi: [ making a weak attempt at communication with hisbrother ] It’s too bad the.. uh.. power went out. I really like that song.

Doug Butabi: Yeah, that’s a good song..

Steve Butabi: Soooo.. uh.. it’s fun going to clubs with you.

Doug Butabi: Yeah. It’s fun.

Steve Butabi: Music’s good.. because it helps people fill in thoseawkward silences. [ pause. Steve shakes his head to the music that’s notthere ]

Doug Butabi: [ holding his hand up ] No, no, no – not yet.

[ suddenly, the music starts again, and the boys are back in business,especially when they notice a Sexy Broad dancing in front of the bar. Makingup for lost time, they jump to either side of her and bop her from side toside until she is able to get loose and run out the bar. Naturally, ourheroes stay in close pursuit. ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile. The Roxbury Guys flip out their cellphones to make a unified call. In the next lane, we see the Sexy Broadchecking her make-up in her rearview mirror as her cell phone rings. ]

Sexy Broad: Hello?

Roxbury Guys: He-e-ey!! [ wave ] [ looking over and noticing who it is, the Sexy Broad flings her cell phoneat the Roxbury Guys’ car, smashing their windshield and causing them to spinout of control for a second or two. ] [ cut to exterior, New York Sports Club ] [ interior, New York Sports Club. The Sexy Broad is working out on arunning machine, only to discover the Roxbury Guys running along on eitherside of her. To get rid of them, she turns up the speed on their runningmachines and sends them flying back against the wall ] [ cut to interior, Sauna. Woman are wrapped in towles and enjoying a goodsweat. The camera pans left to reveal the Roxbury Guys fully dressed intheir club clothes with towels wrapped around themselves. The Sexy Broadwalks in, but doesn’t notice them ]

Doug Butabi: He-e-eyy!

Steve Butabi: What’s up?

Doug Butabi: It’s good to see ya!

[ the Sexy Broad pulls off their towels, making them jump up in fear ]

Steve Butabi: No!

Doug Butabi: Oh, it’s too hot!

[ the Roxbury Guys run out of the Sauna ] [ cut to interior, Jacuzzi Room, where the Sexy Broad is enjoying a goodsoak. Suddenly, the Roxbury Guys emerge from beneath the water ]

Steve Butabi: What’s up?

Doug Butabi: What’s going on?

[ the Sexy Broad jumps up and runs out of the jacuzzi. Obviously, theRoxbury Guys will continue their pursuit for the remainder of the night ]

SNL Transcripts

Spartan Cheerleaders

Spartan Cheerleaders

C.J…..Pamela Lee
Hobie…..Chris Kattan
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Dirk…..Jim Breuer


[FADE IN on stock footage of a crowded beach, then FADE to C.J. sitting on a lifeguard chair and wearing a bright red bathing suit. She peers through a pair of binoculars at the water while Hobie jogs up to her.]

Hobie: How’s it looking out there, C.J.?

C.J.: Well, Hobie, things look under control for now, but I’m gonna keep an eye on that undertow.

Hobie: [pointing to side] Hey, what’s going on over there?

C.J.: What, the volleyball tournament?

Hobie: No, those two spazoids off to the sides!

[CUT to Craig and Arianna on the beach in their Spartans uniforms. They wear white zinc oxide on their noses and start a cheer.]

Craig: Oooh!

Arianna: Oh!

Cheerleaders:
One-piece, two-piece, string bikini!
Who you think you are, “I Dream of Jeannie”?
You can blink for your master,
Or cry to Major Healy!

Arianna: You think you’re gonna win?

Craig: Uh-uh, not really!

[They press their palms over their heads like a genie and hum the “I Dream of Jeannie” theme song.]

Cheerleaders:
Daaaa-da, da da da da da da! Get back in your bottle!
Boiiiiinnnnnng! WHOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!

[Several beachgoers run lazily in front of the Spartans as they jump and scream.

Craig: Okay. Okay.

[Out of breath, they sit down and towel off their faces.]

Craig: Arianna, I’m sweating buckets! I don’t care what anyone says – wool does not breathe. Are you sweating?

Arianna: Craig, girls don’t sweat – they glow!

Craig: Oh.

Arianna: [grinning] And I’m glowing like a pig! CRAIG!

[both burst out laughing]

Arianna: Craig! Aren’t away games cool beans?

Craig: I’ll say. The only thing better was getting to see “Problem Child 2” on the plane.

Arianna: Yeah. I’m sorry, but John Ritter is sex on a stick!

Craig: Oh. And I’m sorry you threw up.

Arianna: Oh, that’s okay. Thanks for holding my hair.

Craig: No problem… child… two.

Arianna: [squealing] Craig! God! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Craig: [looking in distance] Oh, my God! Troy’s serve is poetry in motion!

Arianna: Dirk is about to spike the BALL!!! Okay.

Craig: Okay.

Arianna: Okay, okay, okay.

Craig: Okay.

[Craig stands up with arms at his sides while Arianna scrambles behind him.]

Craig: Ladies and gentlemen: the Spike Girls! [starts rolling his hands]Yoooooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

Arianna: [dances out from behind him] I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Cheerleaders:
If you wanna be a Spartan, [clapping]Better know how to spike the ba-aall!
Too bad you got sand in your crack,
Better put out a booty call!
Calling aaaaaaaallll booo-tyyyyyyyyyyyys!

[A volleyball suddenly flies in. Arianna catches it and disappears off camera.]

Craig: Uh, uh, hey! Who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: [dances in with volleyball stuffed underneath her skirt] It’s me! It’s me!

Craig: I said, who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Cheerleaders:
Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Wide load! WHOOOOO!!!

Arianna: Come on, let’s get the message!!

[Dirk runs up to them in disgust.]

Arianna: Dirk!!

Craig: Dirk!!

Dirk: All right, all right, all right, all right! I can’t BELIEVE you followed us to California! You two pathetic LOSERS, and now you have this vicious B.O. ‘cause you’re wearing sweaters on the beach! Duhhh!

Arianna: Ohhhhhhhhhh!

[He waves his hand back and forth, and the cheerleaders sniff their ownarmpits.]

Arianna: [cheerfully] We are a little gamey.

Craig: Yeah.

Dirk: I’m gonna go in the water to cool off. And DON’T FOLLOW me! [runs off]

Arianna: We won’t! ‘Cause you’re not the Pied Piper of us!

Craig: Yeah!

[ENTER C.J. carrying a red floater and a walkie-talkie.]

C.J.: Hey, you guys, is everything okay over here? I thought I heard an argument.

Craig: Oh, no. There was no argument. Dirk just hates us.

Arianna: Yeah.

C.J.: Well, if you need anything, I’m C.J., and I’m the lifeguard for this section of the beach.

Arianna: C.J.! Your hair is awesome!!

Craig: Yes.

Arianna: Can I ask? Sun-in or lemon juice?

C.J.: [smiling] Lemon juice.

Arianna: I could die!!

C.J.: You guys wanna take off those sweaters?

Craig: Oh, thanks for your concern, C.J., but I’ve got back hair.

C.J.: Okay.

Arianna: And I stuff, and I stuff my sports bra. Plus, we’re a little gamey.

[They each lift an arm.]

Craig: Yeah.

C.J.: WHOO!!

Dirk: [off camera] Help me! A lifeguard! Help!!

C.J: [looks over in alarm] Oh, no, the undertow is taking him way beyond the breakers! [into walkie-talkie] Code 6, code 6! I’m in front of Station 14! We got a swimmer going under! [tosses floater away] I’m out!

[C.J. runs ahead right past the camera.]

Arianna: [shrieking] Oh, my God! HOLD ON, DIRK!!! HOLD ON!! Oh, my God…

Craig: [hollering] Good luck, C.J.!! Your hair’s even more beautiful when it bounces up and down!!

Arianna: [picks up floater] Craig! C.J. forgot–she forgot her red floaty thing! The tide will pull her and Dirk under without even asking!!!

Craig: [knowingly] You know what they need?

Arianna: The perfect cheer?

Craig: No. Not yet. They need a couple of kids with spirit and a little junior lifeguard training. [grabs floater]

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhh! Let’s rock and roll!!!

[Laughing, she grabs a floater and runs off with Craig. FADE to a 30-second film of Craig and Arianna running on a beach while the “Baywatch” theme plays in the background. They sprint heroically right into the waves, and then FADE back to the set, where a soaked Arianna is dragging Dirk by the neck.]

Dirk: [furious] Get off me! You’re CHOKING me!

[While he frees himself and darts off, a soaked Craig carries C.J.’s limp body in his arms.]

Arianna: DIRK!! COME BACK, YOU’RE IN SHOCK!!! YOU NEED CPR!!!

Craig: [bending over C.J.] Arianna, I need your help!

Arianna: Okay! I got her!

Craig: Help on the double!

Arianna: Okay!

[Craig bends over C.J.’s face and begins to perform mouth-to-mouth. Arianna grabs her by the ankles and pumps her legs toward her head.]

Arianna: One…

[Craig breathes into C.J.’s mouth.]

Arianna: Two…

[Craig breathes into her mouth again. C.J. suddenly comes to, squirms, and twists her face away from Craig’s.]

C.J.: Craig! I don’t like you like that, okay?

Arianna: [toward audience] SHE’S OKAY, CRAIG!!

Craig: She’s okay! Oh…

[C.J. rises to her feet and addresses them calmly.]

C.J.: Craig, Arianna, you were both amazing. A couple quick tips.

Arianna: Okay.

C.J.: Craig, when performing mouth-to-mouth, it’s not necessary to use your tongue.

Craig: [embarrassed] Uhhh!

C.J.: Okay? And Arianna, when saving a victim, it’s best not to scream, “We’re all gonna die.”

Arianna: I thought I saw a sand crab.

C.J.: [looks off in alarm] Oh, my God! David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert and people are trying to drown themselves! I gotta go, bye! [runs off]

Arianna: Okay. Oh, my God!

Craig: Good luck, C.J.!!

Arianna: Good luck, C.J.! Craig! You think she needs our help?

Craig: No, jellyfish-brain! What she really needs is…

Craig and Arianna: [look at each other] The perfect cheer!!

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhhh, Craig!

[Craig hits a button on the boom box, and “I Like it like That” starts playing. The two do a vaguely Latin drill team routine for about 30 seconds. Arianna spins into Craig’s arms, and he dips her. Finally, he picks up a toy beach pail and a shovel, places the shovel in her mouth like a rose, and puts the pail on his head while they samba offstage. FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

The Twilight Zone


The Twilight Zone

Rod Serling…..Norm MacDonald
Doctor…..Will Ferrell
Janet Tyler…..Pamela Lee
Nurse…..Molly Shannon
Intern #1…..Jim Breuer
Intern #2…..Chris Kattan


Rod Serling V/O: Submitted for your approval: the case of one Miss Janet Tyler, a hideous disfigured woman hoping for one last chance at a medical miracle. Today, her bandages come off. But we must not be surprised by what we see, for beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even in.. “The Twilight Zone”.

[ open on Doctor, Nurse, and two Interns with their backs to the camera as they look down upon a woman with bandages wrapped around her face ]

Doctor: Well, Miss Tyler, today is the day.

Janet Tyler: Did the procedure work? I’ve got to know.

Doctor: There is no guarantee. I wish you the best of luck.

[ Doctor removes Janet’s bandages. Her face is flawless, beautiful in every way. ]

Doctor: Dear God!

[ Doctor, Nurse, two Interns turn around to reveal pig faces ]

Nurse: [ alarmed ] Oh, Doctor.. she’s.. she’s..

Doctor: She.. is.. hot!

Nurse: What?!

Intern #1: Damn! She’s hot! Whoo!

Intern #2: Yeah!!

Janet Tyler: So.. the procedure worked..?

Intern #2: Damn right it did! You’re a hottie!

Nurse: No, she’s not! Don’t you get it? We all have pig faces!

Doctor: [ not getting it ] Ri-ight.

Nurse: And everyone else in the world has pig faces!

Doctor: [ not interested ] Uh-huh..?

Nurse: So she’s a freak!

Intern #1: Except, she’s hot!

Doctor: Real hot! I’ll be honest.. it’s gonna be hard to go home to my pig-faced wife after seeing her.

Nurse: Listen.. she’s a freak because she doesn’t look like a pig!

Doctor: I wish you could hear what you sound like right now.

Janet Tyler: [ troubled ] What’s going on here, Doctor? Did the procedure work or not?

Doctor: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah, it worked, all right! The nurse obviously has sme kind of chip on her shoulder.

Intern #2: Who can blame her? She had to grow up with that hideous pig face all her life!

Nurse: So did you! You’re not getting it! You men are deluding this poor woman! [ sympathetic, to Janet ] I hate to do this to you, Miss Tyler, but.. you have to know the truth. [ holds up mirror ] Look.

[ music sting, as Janet screams ]

Janet Tyler: I don’t look like any of you!

Nurse: There, there, dear.. don’t worry..

Janet Tyler: Don’t worry?! [ excited ] I’m thrilled! I’m hot!

Intern #2: There you have it, Nurse Pig!

Nurse: Look. Calling me a pig is not an insult. Everyone looks like a pig!

Intern #1: Pig!

Nurse: That.. doesn’t bother me.

Intern #2: Pig.

Doctor: Pig.

Intern #1: Piggie piggie!

Nurse: [ annoyed ] Stop it! Stop it!!

Intern #2: Oink, oink! Oinker!

Nurse: Listen to me! Beauty depends on who holds the standards. Deviation from the norm will always be shunned, no matter what it looks like. Truly.. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Doctor: Yeah.. but she’s hot!

[ Doctor and interns high-five Janet ] [ Rod Serling re-enters the scene ]

Rod Serling: So, there you have it. Something what is beautiful to one is not beautiful to another. As this woman learned when she.. well.. she didn’t really learn anything. And neither did we. Frankly, usually I try to have some kind of ironic twist or moral in these things, but.. I got nothing this time, because that woman was hot! In “The Twilight Zone”.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald


Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald


[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Embattled House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally havesolved his financial troubles. On Thursday, Gingrichannounced that former Senator Bob Dole has loaned himthe three hundred thousand dollars needed to pay hisethics committee fine. And today, more good news forGingrich: Dole has already forgotten he loaned him themoney.

Meanwhile, Gingrich this week criticized AttorneyGeneral Janet Reno’s decision not to seek anindependent counsel to investigate Democratic fundraising, even comparing her to notorious Watergatefigure John Mitchell. Reno called the comparisonridiculous, saying, quote: “For one thing, JohnMitchell did not have a mustache.”

In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafiaturncoat Sammy “The Bull” Gravano revealed that JohnGotti once considered trying to buy a presidentialpardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano,however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involvedwith, quote: “those kinds of people.” [Photo of Billand Hillary Clinton]

According to O. J. Simpson’s niece Terry Baker, whenO. J.’s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about theslaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, “He did it!”Reached for comment, O. J. said, “My mom was justguessing, I hadn’t even told her yet.”

Man in Audience: Boo!

Norm MacDonald: [chuckles at the heckler’sbooing and joins in] Boo.

Secretary of State Madeline Albright has announcedthat she will represent the United States this summerat ceremonies marking the transfer of British HongKong to Chinese rule. President Clinton also plans toattend the event but he will be representing China, so… [applause]

This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversaryof Jackie Robinson’s entry into major league baseball,there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice insports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shockingmove today, all but one of the one hundred andtwenty-five playing members of the Professional GolfAssociation have signed a petition to ban AfricanAmerican golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]

In Los Angeles this week, actor Arnold Schwarzeneggerunderwent heart surgery to repair a faulty heartvalve. Doctors were concerned because during a routineexamination of Schwarzenegger, they got a littleturned on. … They became concerned, you know, whensomething like that’ll happen, you know. [pause]That’s a pause for thought for whatever…”

In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a lawrequiring professional hypnotists to be trained ataccredited institutions and certified by the statemedical licensing board. Hmm … [pulls tape recorderfrom pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note toself: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist thissummer. … [shuts off recorder but then reconsidersand turns it back on] Oh wait, wait! Ignore previousnote. Instead, note to self: Get fake hypnotismdiploma and proceed as planned! [nods and grins smuglyas he pockets recorder]

According to a survey in the new issue of Men’s HealthMagazine, men are more likely to procrastinate thanwomen. Except when it comes to having orgasms. …[applause]

Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mailcarrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his joband now faces up to five years in jail for keeping twomagazines which had been sent to a nonexistentaddress. Postal officials admit that they could havelet him off with just a warning but then he wouldn’tcome back some day and shoot thirty people. So …they decided to be a little strict.

Last week in Kansas City, two people that were– twohome– two people– [pause] Oh, drat! Two– [cheersand applause in reference to Norm’s cussing on theprevious episode]

Two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen weremarried in front of homeless guests at the very samesoup kitchen. For those who want to give the couple awedding gift, they are registered at Kansas City’sDistrict 5 Recycling Plant.

In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary saythat a new policy which allows officials to read theirmail is an example of the routine violations ofindividual rights in prison. A better example would bethe daily anal rapes but I guess they want to startoff small and then … [laughter but also some booingfrom a heckler in the crowd] … then work up to thedaily anal rapes. You know, they’ll start off with thereading their mail, you know…

With the resignation of two police officers inVergennes, Vermont, the city’s 2,500 residents are nowleft with only one policeman. [pulls out his recorderagain] Note to self: Uh, if I get fired for cursing onthe air last week, drive up to Vergennes, Vermont,hypnotize the remaining policeman … and loot town!… [grinning broadly, Norm pockets his recorder]Yeah, okay. [cheers and applause]

And, finally, the votes are in and EntertainmentWeekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who isthe Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it — FrankStallone! … Congratulations, Frank Stallone!

And that’s the way it is! Good night!

[Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk and startsto take the microphone off his necktie. Music.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 05/10/97


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 10th, 1997

John Goodman

Jewel

Mike Myers

Jewel, “Who Will Save Your Soul?”

  • Oprah

    Anne Heche (Chris Kattan) abuses Ellen Degeneres (Mark McKinney) in front of Oprah (Tim Meadows).

    Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

  • John Goodman’s Monologue

    Extensive weight loss results in on-air confusion for Goodman.

  • Caribbean Essence Bath Oil

    (Repeat) See: 10/05/96.

  • Celebrity Jeopardy!

    Celebrities continue to fare poorly for their favorite charities.

    Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Phil Donahue, Burt Reynolds.

  • Talkin’ with Suel

    Talk show confusion, thanks to unintelligble Suel Forrestor (Chris Kattan).

    Recurring Characters: Suel Forrestor.

  • Good Samaritan Eddie Murphy

    Eddie Murphy (Tim Meadows) performs a community service by saving a transvestite.

  • Delicious Dish

    Barbecue expert (Goodman) outlines tips for Margaret Jo (Ana Gasteyer) & Teri (Molly Shannon).

    Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

  • Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

    Dominican Lou (Tracy Morgan) comments on

    Recurring Characters: Dominican Lou.

  • Jewel performs “Who Will Save Your Soul”

  • The Culps

    Marty (Will Ferrell) & Bobbie (Ana Gasteyer) perform a medley at school prom.

    Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

  • Collette Reardon

    Overly-medicated Colette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) picks up prescriptions at pharmacy.

    Recurring Characters: Colette Reardon.

  • Jewel performs “You Were Meant For Me”
  • Bill Brasky

    Bill Brasky’s buddies talk big about him at kids’ softball game.

    Recurring Characters: Friends of Bill Brasky.

    SNL Transcripts