Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell Dr. Ken Waller…..Jeff Goldblum Station Manager…..Mark McKinney
Announcer: From the outer most reaches of the universe, to the inner most planets of our solar syatem, This is “Space The Infinite Frontier” with your host Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray.
Harry Caray: Hi everybody Harry Caray here, and welcome to Space The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya, joining us in the studio today all the way from Cal-Tech is astrophysicist Dr. Ken Waller. Welcome to the show Ken.
Dr. Ken Waller: Thank You! It’s nice to be here.
Harry Caray: Now Dr. recently they discovered that there might be life on one of the moons of Jupiter. Now that’s gotta be exciting for ya.
Dr. Ken Waller: Oh yes Harry were thrilled to discover that there theoretically life could exist below the surface of planets due to the heat caused by volcanic activity.
Harry Caray: That’s something else. Let me ask what’s your favorite planet.
Dr. Ken Waller: Well, I don’t have a favorite. I find them all fascinating there all a part of a-
Harry Caray: Mine’s the sun. Always has been. I like it because it’s like the king of planets.
Dr. Ken Waller: Well, Actually Harry it’s not a planet it’s a star.
Harry Caray: Well! Planet or starwhen that thing burns out were all gonna be dead.
Dr. Ken Waller: Well that’s true but it’s not gonna burn out for a very long time.
Harry Caray: I hope not. Dr. have you ever seen an eclipse.
Dr. Ken Waller: Ah! Yeah I’ve seen many.
Harry Caray: You know if you stare at it head on it’ll burn your eyes out.
Dr. Ken Waller: Well it’s not best to stare at the sun in an eclipse.
Harry Caray: Well it’s hard not to. I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at the sun for over a hour.
Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you do that?
Harry Caray: Curiosity I guess. Heck I’m curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers.
Dr. Ken Waller: Because your curious like a cat.
Harry Caray: Yes! Hey! Now Ken we all know thta the moon is noty made of green cheese.
Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! That’s true Harry.
Harry Caray: But what if it were made of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it then.
Dr. Ken Waller: What!
Harry Caray: I know I would. Heck I’d have seconds. Then polish it off with a tall cool budweiser. I would do it.
Dr. Ken Waller: Yeah!
Harry Caray: Would you.
Dr. Ken Waller: I’m confused.
Harry Caray: It’s a simple question. Would you eat the monon if it were made of ribs.
Dr. Ken Waller: I don’t know how to answer that.
Harry Caray: It’s not rocket science. Just say yes ans will move on.
Dr. Ken Waller: Yes!
Harry Caray: Hey! How bout this mad cow disease.
Dr. Ken Waller: What about it.
Harry Caray: Well it was here for a while then it went away.
Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! Yes! it was in the news for a while then it disappeared.
Harry Caray: Good point! I hpe I never get it. Hey! What about this. If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease what would it be.
Dr. Ken Waller: well! Of course I would choose to be the the top scientist in my field.
Harry Caray: Oh good! I was worried you’d choose mad cow.
Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you think that.
Harry Caray: I don’t know I’m just a worrier I guess. That’s why my friends call me whiskers.
Dr. Ken Waller: I thought you said your friends call you Whiskers cause you’re curious as a cat.
Harry Caray: Well Dr. Waller it has been a pleasure. We’ve covered a lot of ground and shared a few laughs thanks for coming on.
Dr. Ken Waller: My pleasure.
Harry Caray: He’s a good kid. That’s all the time we he have join us next week with our guest Albert Einstein.
(Station manager whispers into Harry Caray’s ear)
Harry Caray: What! Well apparently Albert Einstein died 42 years ago. You know what, we’ll try to get him anyway. See you next time. Cubs win! Cubs win!
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald.Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesdayagainst Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’sfirst female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused ofconducting an adulterous affair with a married man aswell as having a brief fling with a second airman andthen lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor calledher, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commandingofficer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.”Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. …[applause]
Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out morethan seven hundred and fifty million in a courtsettlement when it admitted that its cigarettes areaddictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiledits new warning label. It reads: “Warning: Don’t tryto sue us, we don’t have any money left.”
Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved anoutline of a deal between President Clinton andcongressional leaders to balance the budget. But bothsides caution it is not set in stone. In order tobecome official, of course, it must still be approvedby this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderlybespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it] … He’s gotta–
Man in Audience: Boo!
Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? …[shrugs] No reason to boo anything.
It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutorsMarcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexuallyexplicit notes back and forth at the trial, noteswhich discussed each other’s, quote, “turn ons.” And,according to the notes, both Darden and Clark areturned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz![Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defenseattorney Alan Dershowitz]
Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining todo. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets,including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown andGoldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave thecountry. In the back seat of his Bronco, police foundO. J.’s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fakebeard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]
According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, HenriettaCollins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out ofher life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pullstape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Noteto self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins ofher life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first…. [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfullyto return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pocketsrecorder] …
This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressedpublished reports that her husband had an extramaritalaffair saying, quote, “Frank did and always does whatis right.” Kathie Lee’s statement has been widelyinterpreted as a public admission that her husbandbeats her. … [applause]
Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapesof several bears in the tristate area — That can’t betrue! — and several animal attacks in the news. … Ithink we just made up the story here. We have broughtin someone who can help us shed some light on thisoutbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see allover the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion ishere! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan overto Lenny]
Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I knowwhy those bears ran away. The zoo can be a roughplace. My first year, I got in about fifty fights.They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let meout to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week.They won’t let you make phone calls. I can’t make themanyway because– [holds up a paw, no opposable thumbwith which to hold a phone] … They open up all yourmail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on,Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on theDiscovery Channel. …
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that – that doesn’t seemright. But– And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad,though, Lenny.
Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation touphold. If you’re the lion, everybody is gonna tryyou. It’s that street mentality. I had it, too. ButI’m tryin’ to change. I thought– I used to think thatif I was killin’ an ostrich or something, that was mynatural instinct. But I been discussin’ it with mycounselor. It’s not my natural instinct, Norm. It’sall about my father. You know? … I was just actingout his rage. I know that now. I understand it. Imean, one day, I just – I just did a kill, I’mstandin’ over a bloody carcass, there’s flieseverywhere, the vultures are circling, I have bloodand bone all over me, I’m roaring. And I just caughtmy reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Isthis how people see me? … Is this how I’m comin’across? I didn’t want to look at myself so I’d ratherjust kill you. So, now, I don’t hang around with otherlions. I’ll stop by and say hello. But they alwaysstart in with, “Let’s kill this one, let’s kill that.”… It’s the same conversation we were havin’ twentyyears ago! … Now, I’m tryin’ to change. I’m seein’somebody. She’s got a kid by a tiger. You know? …[applause] The kid – the kid don’t wanna listen to me’cause I’m not his real father, so we don’t get along.I still got a lot o’ guilt over my teenage daughterfrom my first mating. She’s in an abusive situationbut she don’t want to leave. … She’s with one ofthese wannabes, tryin’ to be a gangsta. He ain’t hard.I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. Youknow? … You’re a father, right, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a – I have ason.
Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wannabreak this chain of violence that gets passed downthrough the generations.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it’s differentfor you, Lenny. Lenny, you’re the King of theJungle!
Lenny the Lion: If that’s how you need to seeme, Norm, okay, I’m the King of the Jungle. But Idon’t need to be the King of the Jungle for you, orthe rhinos, or the reptiles, or some “Law of Nature”hype. Bein’ the King of the Jungle’s gotten all myfriends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some richguy’s wall. Today, I can just be “Lenny” — the Lion.A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Furis murder. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody!There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lennyexits]
In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for oneof the area’s leading political figures, attended bythe city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board ofsupervisors, culminated with a performance in which adominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic starinto the back of her male partner, then urinated onhim, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquorbottle. After learning of the incident from pressreports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outragethat the liquor bottle was not recycled.
In his new film, “Legionnaire,” action starJean-Claude Van Damme will join the French ForeignLegion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920sParis who flees a mob boss after falling in love withthe man’s mistress. Also, although it doesn’t sayanything here about it, uh, I’ll bet there’s plentyof, uh — of kicking!
Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature onWeekend Update: “In Their Own Words.” As you remember,last month in the televised town meeting on kids anddrugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and theaudience as well, when he said, quote, “I receive manyletters from five year old kids around the country,telling me that they are frightened and asking for myhelp.” Earlier this week the White House released thetext of some of these letters.[Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut,a five year old child, writes: “Dear Mr. President:When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayermoney on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they canjoin you in your efforts to protect Medicare and theenvironment and to expand the earned income taxcredit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.” [Photo ofgirl] Here’s one from … from Elizabeth A. of LongIsland who wrote: “Dear President Clinton, NewtGingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also,Paula Jones was asking for it.” … “In Their OwnWords.”
Under a new law passed by the State Assembly,effective next year, Michigan will set aside anallotment of hunting licenses for blind people. …This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. …They– [applause]
Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state willreceive twenty million dollars in federal funds tohelp teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiiansout of twenty million dollars by pretending to be aguy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses,thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note toself: Before I start, also learn to read. …That will help give the scam what we like to call”credibility.” [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like amaniac, pockets recorder] … That’s a bigword.
A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C.Mayor Marion Barry’s popularity among city residentshas dropped to its lowest point in five years.However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest inpolls or, for that matter, anything else that isn’tcrack. … He has – Really has no interest in– Whatthe hell good are polls gonna do him?
Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicatethat David Hasselhoff is a major recording star inthat country, where his concerts routinely sell outand his albums turn platinum. Which once again provesmy old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [verymild reaction from crowd]
And it’s been fun, folks! Thank you!
[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk andstarts to take the microphone off his necktie.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
C.J…..Pamela Lee Hobie…..Chris Kattan Craig…..Will Ferrell Arianna…..Cheri Oteri Dirk…..Jim Breuer
[FADE IN on stock footage of a crowded beach, then FADE to C.J. sitting on a lifeguard chair and wearing a bright red bathing suit. She peers through a pair of binoculars at the water while Hobie jogs up to her.]
Hobie: Hows it looking out there, C.J.?
C.J.: Well, Hobie, things look under control for now, but Im gonna keep an eye on that undertow.
Hobie: [pointing to side] Hey, whats going on over there?
C.J.: What, the volleyball tournament?
Hobie: No, those two spazoids off to the sides!
[CUT to Craig and Arianna on the beach in their Spartans uniforms. They wear white zinc oxide on their noses and start a cheer.]
Cheerleaders: One-piece, two-piece, string bikini! Who you think you are, I Dream of Jeannie? You can blink for your master, Or cry to Major Healy!
Arianna: You think youre gonna win?
Craig: Uh-uh, not really!
[They press their palms over their heads like a genie and hum the I Dream of Jeannie theme song.]
Cheerleaders: Daaaa-da, da da da da da da! Get back in your bottle! Boiiiiinnnnnng! WHOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!
[Several beachgoers run lazily in front of the Spartans as they jump and scream.
Craig: Okay. Okay.
[Out of breath, they sit down and towel off their faces.]
Craig: Arianna, Im sweating buckets! I dont care what anyone says – wool does not breathe. Are you sweating?
Arianna: Craig, girls dont sweat – they glow!
Arianna: [grinning] And Im glowing like a pig! CRAIG!
[both burst out laughing]
Arianna: Craig! Arent away games cool beans?
Craig: Ill say. The only thing better was getting to see Problem Child 2 on the plane.
Arianna: Yeah. Im sorry, but John Ritter is sex on a stick!
Craig: Oh. And Im sorry you threw up.
Arianna: Oh, thats okay. Thanks for holding my hair.
Craig: No problem… child… two.
Arianna: [squealing] Craig! God! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Craig: [looking in distance] Oh, my God! Troys serve is poetry in motion!
Arianna: Dirk is about to spike the BALL!!! Okay.
Arianna: Okay, okay, okay.
[Craig stands up with arms at his sides while Arianna scrambles behind him.]
Craig: Ladies and gentlemen: the Spike Girls! [starts rolling his hands]Yoooooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!
Arianna: [dances out from behind him] Ill tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I wanna–
Arianna: I wanna–
Arianna: I wanna–
Arianna: I wanna–
Cheerleaders: If you wanna be a Spartan, [clapping]Better know how to spike the ba-aall! Too bad you got sand in your crack, Better put out a booty call! Calling aaaaaaaallll booo-tyyyyyyyyyyyys!
[A volleyball suddenly flies in. Arianna catches it and disappears off camera.]
Craig: Uh, uh, hey! Whos that Spartan with junk in the trunk?
Arianna: [dances in with volleyball stuffed underneath her skirt] Its me! Its me!
Craig: I said, whos that Spartan with junk in the trunk?
Dirk: All right, all right, all right, all right! I cant BELIEVE you followed us to California! You two pathetic LOSERS, and now you have this vicious B.O. cause youre wearing sweaters on the beach! Duhhh!
[He waves his hand back and forth, and the cheerleaders sniff their ownarmpits.]
Arianna: [cheerfully] We are a little gamey.
Dirk: Im gonna go in the water to cool off. And DONT FOLLOW me! [runs off]
Arianna: We wont! Cause youre not the Pied Piper of us!
[ENTER C.J. carrying a red floater and a walkie-talkie.]
C.J.: Hey, you guys, is everything okay over here? I thought I heard an argument.
Craig: Oh, no. There was no argument. Dirk just hates us.
C.J.: Well, if you need anything, Im C.J., and Im the lifeguard for this section of the beach.
Arianna: C.J.! Your hair is awesome!!
Arianna: Can I ask? Sun-in or lemon juice?
C.J.: [smiling] Lemon juice.
Arianna: I could die!!
C.J.: You guys wanna take off those sweaters?
Craig: Oh, thanks for your concern, C.J., but Ive got back hair.
Arianna: And I stuff, and I stuff my sports bra. Plus, were a little gamey.
[They each lift an arm.]
Dirk: [off camera] Help me! A lifeguard! Help!!
C.J: [looks over in alarm] Oh, no, the undertow is taking him way beyond the breakers! [into walkie-talkie] Code 6, code 6! Im in front of Station 14! We got a swimmer going under! [tosses floater away] Im out!
[C.J. runs ahead right past the camera.]
Arianna: [shrieking] Oh, my God! HOLD ON, DIRK!!! HOLD ON!! Oh, my God…
Craig: [hollering] Good luck, C.J.!! Your hairs even more beautiful when it bounces up and down!!
Arianna: [picks up floater] Craig! C.J. forgot–she forgot her red floaty thing! The tide will pull her and Dirk under without even asking!!!
Craig: [knowingly] You know what they need?
Arianna: The perfect cheer?
Craig: No. Not yet. They need a couple of kids with spirit and a little junior lifeguard training. [grabs floater]
Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhh! Lets rock and roll!!!
[Laughing, she grabs a floater and runs off with Craig. FADE to a 30-second film of Craig and Arianna running on a beach while the Baywatch theme plays in the background. They sprint heroically right into the waves, and then FADE back to the set, where a soaked Arianna is dragging Dirk by the neck.]
Dirk: [furious] Get off me! Youre CHOKING me!
[While he frees himself and darts off, a soaked Craig carries C.J.s limp body in his arms.]
Arianna: DIRK!! COME BACK, YOURE IN SHOCK!!! YOU NEED CPR!!!
Craig: [bending over C.J.] Arianna, I need your help!
Arianna: Okay! I got her!
Craig: Help on the double!
[Craig bends over C.J.s face and begins to perform mouth-to-mouth. Arianna grabs her by the ankles and pumps her legs toward her head.]
[Craig breathes into C.J.s mouth.]
[Craig breathes into her mouth again. C.J. suddenly comes to, squirms, and twists her face away from Craigs.]
C.J.: Craig! I dont like you like that, okay?
Arianna: [toward audience] SHES OKAY, CRAIG!!
Craig: Shes okay! Oh…
[C.J. rises to her feet and addresses them calmly.]
C.J.: Craig, Arianna, you were both amazing. A couple quick tips.
C.J.: Craig, when performing mouth-to-mouth, its not necessary to use your tongue.
Craig: [embarrassed] Uhhh!
C.J.: Okay? And Arianna, when saving a victim, its best not to scream, Were all gonna die.
Arianna: I thought I saw a sand crab.
C.J.: [looks off in alarm] Oh, my God! David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert and people are trying to drown themselves! I gotta go, bye! [runs off]
Arianna: Okay. Oh, my God!
Craig: Good luck, C.J.!!
Arianna: Good luck, C.J.! Craig! You think she needs our help?
Craig: No, jellyfish-brain! What she really needs is…
Craig and Arianna: [look at each other] The perfect cheer!!
Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhhh, Craig!
[Craig hits a button on the boom box, and I Like it like That starts playing. The two do a vaguely Latin drill team routine for about 30 seconds. Arianna spins into Craigs arms, and he dips her. Finally, he picks up a toy beach pail and a shovel, places the shovel in her mouth like a rose, and puts the pail on his head while they samba offstage. FADE to black over applause.]
Rod Serling…..Norm MacDonald Doctor…..Will Ferrell Janet Tyler…..Pamela Lee Nurse…..Molly Shannon Intern #1…..Jim Breuer Intern #2…..Chris Kattan
Rod Serling V/O: Submitted for your approval: the case of one Miss Janet Tyler, a hideous disfigured woman hoping for one last chance at a medical miracle. Today, her bandages come off. But we must not be surprised by what we see, for beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even in.. “The Twilight Zone”.
[ open on Doctor, Nurse, and two Interns with their backs to the camera as they look down upon a woman with bandages wrapped around her face ]
Doctor: Well, Miss Tyler, today is the day.
Janet Tyler: Did the procedure work? I’ve got to know.
Doctor: There is no guarantee. I wish you the best of luck.
[ Doctor removes Janet’s bandages. Her face is flawless, beautiful in every way. ]
Doctor: Dear God!
[ Doctor, Nurse, two Interns turn around to reveal pig faces ]
Nurse: [ alarmed ] Oh, Doctor.. she’s.. she’s..
Doctor: She.. is.. hot!
Intern #1: Damn! She’s hot! Whoo!
Intern #2: Yeah!!
Janet Tyler: So.. the procedure worked..?
Intern #2: Damn right it did! You’re a hottie!
Nurse: No, she’s not! Don’t you get it? We all have pig faces!
Doctor: [ not getting it ] Ri-ight.
Nurse: And everyone else in the world has pig faces!
Doctor: [ not interested ] Uh-huh..?
Nurse: So she’s a freak!
Intern #1: Except, she’s hot!
Doctor: Real hot! I’ll be honest.. it’s gonna be hard to go home to my pig-faced wife after seeing her.
Nurse: Listen.. she’s a freak because she doesn’t look like a pig!
Doctor: I wish you could hear what you sound like right now.
Janet Tyler: [ troubled ] What’s going on here, Doctor? Did the procedure work or not?
Doctor: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah, it worked, all right! The nurse obviously has sme kind of chip on her shoulder.
Intern #2: Who can blame her? She had to grow up with that hideous pig face all her life!
Nurse: So did you! You’re not getting it! You men are deluding this poor woman! [ sympathetic, to Janet ] I hate to do this to you, Miss Tyler, but.. you have to know the truth. [ holds up mirror ] Look.
Nurse: Look. Calling me a pig is not an insult. Everyone looks like a pig!
Intern #1: Pig!
Nurse: That.. doesn’t bother me.
Intern #2: Pig.
Intern #1: Piggie piggie!
Nurse: [ annoyed ] Stop it! Stop it!!
Intern #2: Oink, oink! Oinker!
Nurse: Listen to me! Beauty depends on who holds the standards. Deviation from the norm will always be shunned, no matter what it looks like. Truly.. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Doctor: Yeah.. but she’shot!
[ Doctor and interns high-five Janet ]
[ Rod Serling re-enters the scene ]
Rod Serling: So, there you have it. Something what is beautiful to one is not beautiful to another. As this woman learned when she.. well.. she didn’t really learn anything. And neither did we. Frankly, usually I try to have some kind of ironic twist or moral in these things, but.. I got nothing this time, because that woman was hot! In “The Twilight Zone”.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Embattled House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally havesolved his financial troubles. On Thursday, Gingrichannounced that former Senator Bob Dole has loaned himthe three hundred thousand dollars needed to pay hisethics committee fine. And today, more good news forGingrich: Dole has already forgotten he loaned him themoney.
Meanwhile, Gingrich this week criticized AttorneyGeneral Janet Reno’s decision not to seek anindependent counsel to investigate Democratic fundraising, even comparing her to notorious Watergatefigure John Mitchell. Reno called the comparisonridiculous, saying, quote: “For one thing, JohnMitchell did not have a mustache.”
In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafiaturncoat Sammy “The Bull” Gravano revealed that JohnGotti once considered trying to buy a presidentialpardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano,however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involvedwith, quote: “those kinds of people.” [Photo of Billand Hillary Clinton]
According to O. J. Simpson’s niece Terry Baker, whenO. J.’s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about theslaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, “He did it!”Reached for comment, O. J. said, “My mom was justguessing, I hadn’t even told her yet.”
Man in Audience: Boo!
Norm MacDonald: [chuckles at the heckler’sbooing and joins in] Boo.
Secretary of State Madeline Albright has announcedthat she will represent the United States this summerat ceremonies marking the transfer of British HongKong to Chinese rule. President Clinton also plans toattend the event but he will be representing China, so… [applause]
This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversaryof Jackie Robinson’s entry into major league baseball,there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice insports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shockingmove today, all but one of the one hundred andtwenty-five playing members of the Professional GolfAssociation have signed a petition to ban AfricanAmerican golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]
In Los Angeles this week, actor Arnold Schwarzeneggerunderwent heart surgery to repair a faulty heartvalve. Doctors were concerned because during a routineexamination of Schwarzenegger, they got a littleturned on. … They became concerned, you know, whensomething like that’ll happen, you know. [pause]That’s a pause for thought for whatever…”
In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a lawrequiring professional hypnotists to be trained ataccredited institutions and certified by the statemedical licensing board. Hmm … [pulls tape recorderfrom pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note toself: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist thissummer. … [shuts off recorder but then reconsidersand turns it back on] Oh wait, wait! Ignore previousnote. Instead, note to self: Get fake hypnotismdiploma and proceed as planned! [nods and grins smuglyas he pockets recorder]
According to a survey in the new issue of Men’s HealthMagazine, men are more likely to procrastinate thanwomen. Except when it comes to having orgasms. …[applause]
Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mailcarrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his joband now faces up to five years in jail for keeping twomagazines which had been sent to a nonexistentaddress. Postal officials admit that they could havelet him off with just a warning but then he wouldn’tcome back some day and shoot thirty people. So …they decided to be a little strict.
Last week in Kansas City, two people that were– twohome– two people– [pause] Oh, drat! Two– [cheersand applause in reference to Norm’s cussing on theprevious episode]
Two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen weremarried in front of homeless guests at the very samesoup kitchen. For those who want to give the couple awedding gift, they are registered at Kansas City’sDistrict 5 Recycling Plant.
In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary saythat a new policy which allows officials to read theirmail is an example of the routine violations ofindividual rights in prison. A better example would bethe daily anal rapes but I guess they want to startoff small and then … [laughter but also some booingfrom a heckler in the crowd] … then work up to thedaily anal rapes. You know, they’ll start off with thereading their mail, you know…
With the resignation of two police officers inVergennes, Vermont, the city’s 2,500 residents are nowleft with only one policeman. [pulls out his recorderagain] Note to self: Uh, if I get fired for cursing onthe air last week, drive up to Vergennes, Vermont,hypnotize the remaining policeman … and loot town!… [grinning broadly, Norm pockets his recorder]Yeah, okay. [cheers and applause]
And, finally, the votes are in and EntertainmentWeekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who isthe Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it — FrankStallone! … Congratulations, Frank Stallone!
And that’s the way it is! Good night!
[Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk and startsto take the microphone off his necktie. Music.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]
First Friend of Brasky…..Will Ferrell Second Friend of Brasky…..John Goodman Third Friend of Brasky…..Mark McKinney Guy in Stands…..Tim Meadows Parent…..Ana Gasteyer
Scene opens with a shot of a little league game in progress and the Brasky Buddies sitting on bleachers along with other parents.
First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!!
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, best damn salesman in the office.
Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, to Bill Brasky!!
All: BILL BRASKY!
First Friend of Brasky: An eight-foot, two-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball! Thats what he is.
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!
Parent: Excuse me, a lot of us have come here to watch our children. Would you please just stop drinking and yelling?!
First Friend of Brasky: You got a nice caboose on you, honey.
Third Friend of Brasky: Ya sure do!
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!
Parent: You are horrible men!
Second Friend of Brasky: (yelling off screen) Come on Junior! If you dont catch the ball Ill put the dog to sleep!!
First Friend of Brasky: Youre a fine father!
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, last night, I tried to kill myself again.
There is a long pause
First Friend of Brasky: So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra “Beverly”. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.
Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!!
Third Friend of Brasky: You know, it was the sight of Braskys naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!
Second Friend of Brasky: He showers in grain alcohol!!
First Friend of Brasky: He uses the Shroud of Terin as a golf towel!!
Second Friend of Brasky: He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!!
Third Friend of Brasky: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!!
First Friend of Brasky: His first name is BILL!! (long pause) Im drunk.
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah. He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as Bear Bryant!!
First Friend of Brasky: He once ate the bible while water skiing!!
Third Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you? He once had sex with a cigarette machine!!
First Friend of Brasky: (says something incoherent in a drunken slur) Youre damn right and every kid on this field was FATHERED BY BILL BRASKY!! Every one of em!!
All: BILL BRASKY!!!
Guy In Stands: Hey! Are you guys talking about Bill Brasky??
All: WE SURE ARE!!
Guy In Stands: I KNOW BILL BRASKY!!
First Friend of Brasky: I wanna be your dear friend!!
(Suddenly a loud, deep off screen voice chimes in)
Bill Brasky: HEY EVERYBODY, THIS GAMES CALLED ON A COUNT OF SCOTCH!!! CAUSE BILL BRASKY WANTS A DRINK!!!
Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon “Fireball”…..John Goodman
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCulen.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to..
Together: “The Delicious Dish”, on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, the days are getting longer, and the mercury is rising.
Teri Rialto: It sure is, Margaret Jo. And that cna only mean one thing.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now.. one of my favorite things about summer is that you can have your meals outside.
Teri Rialto: That is neat.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. It’s fun. It’s warm. It’s warm outside.
Teri Rialto: Yeah. Summer’s my favorite season.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Same here. Because it’s hotter than the rest of the year.
Teri Rialto: It sure is.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s fun, isn’t it?
Teri Rialto: It’s neat.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Fun.
Teri Rialto: Good times. Now, we have some exciting ideas on how to keep cool during these summer months.
Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s right, Teri. One of my favoritesummer treats is a nice tall glass of soda water.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. me, too. Sometimes, to keep things interesting, I like to add a little bit of ice.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks for bringing that up.
Teri Rialto: You’re welcome.
Margaret Jo McCullen: I see your point.
Teri Rialto: Thank you. And, actually, I don’t know if you noticed, there are many different kinds of ice.
Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re absolutely right. There’s cubed ice.
Teri Rialto: Crushed ice.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Cracked ice.
Teri Rialto: Shaved ice.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Shaved ice? I didn’t know ice could growa beard!
[ they laugh ]
Teri Rialto: That’s funny! Did you just think of that right now?
Margaret Jo McCullen: No, I thought of it last night and wrote it down.
Teri Rialto: You’re very funny.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks.
Teri Rialto: You’re so fun to be around.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks, so are you. It’s fun being with you.
Teri Rialto: You’re welcome. But you know, Margaret Jo, you could soda water all you want, but it still wouldn’t be summer without one thing.
Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s right. We’re so thrilled to have our special guest with us today.
Teri Rialto: I feel really thrilled.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. He’s the two-time winner of theGreat American Chili Cookoff, and his spicy five-alarm chili recipes are all I need to get my bronco bucking.
Teri Rialto: So please welcome – Rusty “Fireball” Wilson. Thanks for coming, “Fireball”.
“Fireball”: You’re sure welcome. Wow. I’m really fired up to be here.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, “Fireball”, talking to you is justlike being out on the old West.
Teri Rialto: Tell us, “Fireball”, what is your recipe for anunforgettable summer cookout?
“Fireball”: Well, you know I’m gonna hurt my book sales for telling you this.. but there are three critical ingredients for an authentic summer barbecue. You might want to grab a pen for this. They are: meat, bread, and sauce.
Teri Rialto: You might want to say that again, in case our listeners didn’t have a chance to get a pen.
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Marlon Brando…..John Goodman Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is “Habitat for Humanity”; Phil Donahue, yours is the “Children Are Our Future Foundation”; and, Burt Reynolds, yours is the “Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort”. We have quite a match going here, let’s look at the score: We’ve got a close race going on for second place between Phil Donahue at -$6,800, and Burt Reynolds with -$6,900. And, at a commanding lead, it’s Marlon Brando with -$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for “Double Jeopardy”, let’s take a look at our board. The categories are: “Famous Roberts”, “Three Letter Words”, “Potpourri”, “Potent Potables”, “Colors”, “Holidays”, and, finally, “U.S. States”. Marlon, you pick the category.
Marlon Brando: Uh.. “Fishing”, for $1,000.
Alex Trebek: There’s no “Fishing” on the board, Marlon.
Marlon Brando: Uh.. I like “Fishing”.
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s great. Let’s just start with “Famous Roberts”, for $400. The answer is: “This was John F. Kennedy’s younger brother.” [ Marlon buzzes in ] Marlon Brando?
Marlon Brando: Teddy.
Alex Trebek: No.
Marlon Brando: “Who’s Teddy?”
Alex Trebek: No!
Marlon Brando: “What is Teddy?”
Alex Trebek: No! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: I’ll tell you something, Alex.. I think he’s right.
Alex Trebek: No, he’s not right! Remember the category: “Famous Roberts”.. in the Kennedy Family.
Burt Reynolds: “Who is Robert Blake?”
Alex Trebek: [ stunned ] No! [ Phil buzzes in ] Phil Donahue?
Phil Donahue: Well, my dear, good man, the board appears.. to be mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, “Who’s on first?”, “What’s in the chicken?”, whoa-oa! and all of a sudden, I’m walking.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.
Marlon Brando: [ playing with his buzzer ] In Tahiti, they have these dogs.. that they train to catch frisbees in their mouthes.. it’s amazing..
Alex Trebek: [ exasperated ] And I’ll pick the category for you. “Holidays”, for $400. The answer is: “This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.” [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, “what is my birthday?”
Alex Trebek: Is December 25th your birthday, Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: No, July 5th!
Alex Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here – it’s February 11th. [ Burt buzzes again ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: “What is July 5th?”
Alex Trebek: [ perplexed ]Absolutely not! [ Phil buzzes in ] Yes! Phil Donahue?
Phil Donahue: [ poised ] Little Bobby, and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for Tickle-Me-Elmo ’til five a.m., and all of a sudden, Bobby looks up and he says, “Hey! Who is this Jesus?”
Alex Trebek: [ angry ] You know the answer, just say it!
Phil Donahue: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is drinking Coke! The reindeer are playing Nintendo! The elves are wearing Nike..! [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue! The answer was “Christmas”. [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: [ from out of nowhere ] He’s a good guy!
Alex Trebek: [ confused ] What?! What was that, Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Robert Blake! Good guy! You ought to think about putting him up on your board, there!
Alex Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.
Marlon Brando: [ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into a 7-11 this morning.. and I wandered over to the magazine rack.. there’s so many magazines about cars..
Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] I’m going to assume you picked “Colors”, for $800. Name this color. [ a red swatch appears on the game board ] Let’s just forget the whoe “answer in the form of a question” thing.. just name this color! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, it’s a rectangle!
Alex Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I’m convinced you have a learning disability. [ Phil buzzes in ] Mr. Donahue?
Phil Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be color-blind..
Alex Trebek: I know where this is going! [ Marlon buzzes in ] Mr. Brando?
Marlon Brando: [ slowly removing his pants ] You knoq, I was riding a bicycle.. that I made myself.. and I was with Wally Cox.. and, God, I miss him, he was a good man.. e had fingers like a sailor.. I remember one time, in Bangkok.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: The answer was “Red”. Mr. Donahue, you are at -$7,200; Mr. Reynolds.. you seem to have broken your buzzer.. and Mr. Brando, you’re naked from the waist down. Let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. I tell you what, let’s just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year. What year it is right now. [ the “Final Jeopardy” theme plays, as the contestants barely make an effort to write down an answer ] It’s a number. What year is it this year? It starts with a “19”. [ Alex approaches the contestants to check their answers ] Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Mr. Donahue appears to have written way too much.. in fact, he’s still going on. Let’s see what he’s got so far. [ a lengthy monologue appears on his screen ] Not even close.
Phil Donahue: Oh, come on!
Alex Trebek: Okay, now, Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t see you write anything, maybe I missed it.. [ a blank screen appears ] ..and I didn’t. You gave no answer.
Burt Reynolds: Why don’t you let me buy a vowel?
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s infuriating. [ approaches Marlon Brando, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet, in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Marlon’s screen is revealed to have the word “POOP” written on it ] You wrote “Poop”. This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.
Marlon Brando: [ concentrating on his puppet ] You’re a squawking parrot.. you’re an ant.
[ Burt squawks like a parrot ]
Alex Trebek: Okay.. Mr. Reynlds is the winner, by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I quit.