Larry King’s News & Views II


Larry King’s News & Views II

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald


[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re still not reading “LarryKing’s News & Views,” then you shouldn’t be reading atall.

Larry King: [into the camera] Blue is wonderfulbut yellow is the best color.

I don’t care what anyone says, in my book, JeffreyDahmer was not a cannibal.

When actor Harry Hamlin is on the tube, it’simpossible to look away.

Two “must-dos” when visiting Atlanta: you must visitthe Martin Luther King Memorial and you musttry the cole slaw at Ezra’s.

Here’s my question of the day, folks: Why arereservations good if you make them at a restaurant butbad if you force Indians to live on them?

Of all the hosts of “The Tonight Show,” one of the twoor three greatest has got to be Johnny Carson.

Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Larry King: Somebody ought to tell all thesecigarette smokers – it just ain’t safe, gang!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Space: The Infinite Frontier


Space: The Infinite Frontier

Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Dr. Ken Waller…..Jeff Goldblum
Station Manager…..Mark McKinney


Announcer: From the outer most reaches of the universe, to the inner most planets of our solar syatem, This is “Space The Infinite Frontier” with your host Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray.

Harry Caray: Hi everybody Harry Caray here, and welcome to Space The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya, joining us in the studio today all the way from Cal-Tech is astrophysicist Dr. Ken Waller. Welcome to the show Ken.

Dr. Ken Waller: Thank You! It’s nice to be here.

Harry Caray: Now Dr. recently they discovered that there might be life on one of the moons of Jupiter. Now that’s gotta be exciting for ya.

Dr. Ken Waller: Oh yes Harry were thrilled to discover that there theoretically life could exist below the surface of planets due to the heat caused by volcanic activity.

Harry Caray: That’s something else. Let me ask what’s your favorite planet.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well, I don’t have a favorite. I find them all fascinating there all a part of a-

Harry Caray: Mine’s the sun. Always has been. I like it because it’s like the king of planets.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well, Actually Harry it’s not a planet it’s a star.

Harry Caray: Well! Planet or starwhen that thing burns out were all gonna be dead.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well that’s true but it’s not gonna burn out for a very long time.

Harry Caray: I hope not. Dr. have you ever seen an eclipse.

Dr. Ken Waller: Ah! Yeah I’ve seen many.

Harry Caray: You know if you stare at it head on it’ll burn your eyes out.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well it’s not best to stare at the sun in an eclipse.

Harry Caray: Well it’s hard not to. I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at the sun for over a hour.

Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you do that?

Harry Caray: Curiosity I guess. Heck I’m curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers.

Dr. Ken Waller: Because your curious like a cat.

Harry Caray: Yes! Hey! Now Ken we all know thta the moon is noty made of green cheese.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! That’s true Harry.

Harry Caray: But what if it were made of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it then.

Dr. Ken Waller: What!

Harry Caray: I know I would. Heck I’d have seconds. Then polish it off with a tall cool budweiser. I would do it.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yeah!

Harry Caray: Would you.

Dr. Ken Waller: I’m confused.

Harry Caray: It’s a simple question. Would you eat the monon if it were made of ribs.

Dr. Ken Waller: I don’t know how to answer that.

Harry Caray: It’s not rocket science. Just say yes ans will move on.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes!

Harry Caray: Hey! How bout this mad cow disease.

Dr. Ken Waller: What about it.

Harry Caray: Well it was here for a while then it went away.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! Yes! it was in the news for a while then it disappeared.

Harry Caray: Good point! I hpe I never get it. Hey! What about this. If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease what would it be.

Dr. Ken Waller: well! Of course I would choose to be the the top scientist in my field.

Harry Caray: Oh good! I was worried you’d choose mad cow.

Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you think that.

Harry Caray: I don’t know I’m just a worrier I guess. That’s why my friends call me whiskers.

Dr. Ken Waller: I thought you said your friends call you Whiskers cause you’re curious as a cat.

Harry Caray: Well Dr. Waller it has been a pleasure. We’ve covered a lot of ground and shared a few laughs thanks for coming on.

Dr. Ken Waller: My pleasure.

Harry Caray: He’s a good kid. That’s all the time we he have join us next week with our guest Albert Einstein.

(Station manager whispers into Harry Caray’s ear)

Harry Caray: What! Well apparently Albert Einstein died 42 years ago. You know what, we’ll try to get him anyway. See you next time. Cubs win! Cubs win!

Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald


Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Lenny the Lion … Colin Quinn


[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald.Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesdayagainst Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’sfirst female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused ofconducting an adulterous affair with a married man aswell as having a brief fling with a second airman andthen lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor calledher, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commandingofficer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.”Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. …[applause]

Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out morethan seven hundred and fifty million in a courtsettlement when it admitted that its cigarettes areaddictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiledits new warning label. It reads: “Warning: Don’t tryto sue us, we don’t have any money left.”

Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved anoutline of a deal between President Clinton andcongressional leaders to balance the budget. But bothsides caution it is not set in stone. In order tobecome official, of course, it must still be approvedby this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderlybespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it] … He’s gotta–

Man in Audience: Boo!

Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? …[shrugs] No reason to boo anything.

It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutorsMarcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexuallyexplicit notes back and forth at the trial, noteswhich discussed each other’s, quote, “turn ons.” And,according to the notes, both Darden and Clark areturned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz![Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defenseattorney Alan Dershowitz]

Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining todo. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets,including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown andGoldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave thecountry. In the back seat of his Bronco, police foundO. J.’s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fakebeard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]

According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, HenriettaCollins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out ofher life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pullstape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Noteto self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins ofher life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first…. [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfullyto return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pocketsrecorder] …

This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressedpublished reports that her husband had an extramaritalaffair saying, quote, “Frank did and always does whatis right.” Kathie Lee’s statement has been widelyinterpreted as a public admission that her husbandbeats her. … [applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapesof several bears in the tristate area — That can’t betrue! — and several animal attacks in the news. … Ithink we just made up the story here. We have broughtin someone who can help us shed some light on thisoutbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see allover the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion ishere! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan overto Lenny]

Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I knowwhy those bears ran away. The zoo can be a roughplace. My first year, I got in about fifty fights.They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let meout to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week.They won’t let you make phone calls. I can’t make themanyway because– [holds up a paw, no opposable thumbwith which to hold a phone] … They open up all yourmail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on,Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on theDiscovery Channel. …

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that – that doesn’t seemright. But– And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad,though, Lenny.

Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation touphold. If you’re the lion, everybody is gonna tryyou. It’s that street mentality. I had it, too. ButI’m tryin’ to change. I thought– I used to think thatif I was killin’ an ostrich or something, that was mynatural instinct. But I been discussin’ it with mycounselor. It’s not my natural instinct, Norm. It’sall about my father. You know? … I was just actingout his rage. I know that now. I understand it. Imean, one day, I just – I just did a kill, I’mstandin’ over a bloody carcass, there’s flieseverywhere, the vultures are circling, I have bloodand bone all over me, I’m roaring. And I just caughtmy reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Isthis how people see me? … Is this how I’m comin’across? I didn’t want to look at myself so I’d ratherjust kill you. So, now, I don’t hang around with otherlions. I’ll stop by and say hello. But they alwaysstart in with, “Let’s kill this one, let’s kill that.”… It’s the same conversation we were havin’ twentyyears ago! … Now, I’m tryin’ to change. I’m seein’somebody. She’s got a kid by a tiger. You know? …[applause] The kid – the kid don’t wanna listen to me’cause I’m not his real father, so we don’t get along.I still got a lot o’ guilt over my teenage daughterfrom my first mating. She’s in an abusive situationbut she don’t want to leave. … She’s with one ofthese wannabes, tryin’ to be a gangsta. He ain’t hard.I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. Youknow? … You’re a father, right, Norm?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a – I have ason.

Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wannabreak this chain of violence that gets passed downthrough the generations.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it’s differentfor you, Lenny. Lenny, you’re the King of theJungle!

Lenny the Lion: If that’s how you need to seeme, Norm, okay, I’m the King of the Jungle. But Idon’t need to be the King of the Jungle for you, orthe rhinos, or the reptiles, or some “Law of Nature”hype. Bein’ the King of the Jungle’s gotten all myfriends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some richguy’s wall. Today, I can just be “Lenny” — the Lion.A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Furis murder. Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody!There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lennyexits]

In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for oneof the area’s leading political figures, attended bythe city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board ofsupervisors, culminated with a performance in which adominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic starinto the back of her male partner, then urinated onhim, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquorbottle. After learning of the incident from pressreports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outragethat the liquor bottle was not recycled.

In his new film, “Legionnaire,” action starJean-Claude Van Damme will join the French ForeignLegion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920sParis who flees a mob boss after falling in love withthe man’s mistress. Also, although it doesn’t sayanything here about it, uh, I’ll bet there’s plentyof, uh — of kicking!

Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature onWeekend Update: “In Their Own Words.” As you remember,last month in the televised town meeting on kids anddrugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and theaudience as well, when he said, quote, “I receive manyletters from five year old kids around the country,telling me that they are frightened and asking for myhelp.” Earlier this week the White House released thetext of some of these letters.[Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut,a five year old child, writes: “Dear Mr. President:When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayermoney on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they canjoin you in your efforts to protect Medicare and theenvironment and to expand the earned income taxcredit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.” [Photo ofgirl] Here’s one from … from Elizabeth A. of LongIsland who wrote: “Dear President Clinton, NewtGingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also,Paula Jones was asking for it.” … “In Their OwnWords.”

Under a new law passed by the State Assembly,effective next year, Michigan will set aside anallotment of hunting licenses for blind people. …This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. …They– [applause]

Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state willreceive twenty million dollars in federal funds tohelp teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiiansout of twenty million dollars by pretending to be aguy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses,thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note toself: Before I start, also learn to read. …That will help give the scam what we like to call”credibility.” [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like amaniac, pockets recorder] … That’s a bigword.

A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C.Mayor Marion Barry’s popularity among city residentshas dropped to its lowest point in five years.However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest inpolls or, for that matter, anything else that isn’tcrack. … He has – Really has no interest in– Whatthe hell good are polls gonna do him?

Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicatethat David Hasselhoff is a major recording star inthat country, where his concerts routinely sell outand his albums turn platinum. Which once again provesmy old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [verymild reaction from crowd]

And it’s been fun, folks! Thank you!

[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk andstarts to take the microphone off his necktie.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Collette Reardon

Collette Reardon

Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri
Don…..John Goodman


Collette: Hi. I need to get some… prescriptions filled. Where’s Cliff?

Don: Uh, Cliff’s at lunch. I’m Don. Wow, that’s a lot of prescriptions. Let’s see what we have here. Percodan, 1000 mg, 500 count?

Collette: Boating accident. Bruised my arm. Dr. Randazo thought I just need to take some Bufferin. For the bruise. But I sensed a touch of bursitis, so, better safe than—well, you know the rest.

Don: So, are you taking any other medications?

Collette: Well this morning I was feeling a little sluggish, so I popped a handful of Benzadrine, to get a jumpstart, you know, just a quick pick-me-up. I got errands.

Don: There’s a new pick-me-up you could try. It’s called coffee.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, you also need a gallon jar of powdered Dilaudid?

Collette: Per Dr. Doug Yoshiki. My ear, nose and throat guy.

Don: You know, you gotta be careful with that stuff. It’s like powdered heroin.

Collette: Tell me about it. I’m diabetic.

Don: It says to inject 500 mg 12 times a day? Are you sure that’s a correct dosage?

Collette: Funny story. Dr. Swicklis got me on Darvan and Demorol. Fine. Dr. Aku has me on Tritescaline, Prozac and Thiazine.

Don: Thiazine the steroid?

Collette: Let me finish, Don. Long story short, I’m late for my hairdresser’s funeral, I cut across the lawn, slip on a fresh crap, and voila! Guess who bruised two fingers?

Don: Collette Reardon…

Collette: That’s me! So there’s that, on top of the grief, well, you must imagine how depressed I was, luckily I find five tabs of lithium at the bottom of my purse, but Mashigian, my OB/GYN, says I probably shouldn’t mix prescriptions on account of the drinking, Don. So what he suggests? The Dilaudid. Surprise!

Don: Big surprise. All right, next we have 65 mg phenobarbitol…

Collette: The same one the Heaven’s Gate’s kids used.

Don: Hold the vodka.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, this one says 1000 buttons of religious-quality peyote.

Collette: Dr. Steve Longshoe. Practices medicine on the reservation. Good kid. GOOD KID!

Don: Mrs. Reardon, I’m not sure your HMO carries peyote, I’m not sure we even carry peyote, but why don’t you have a seat in our waiting area right over there—

Collette: I know where it is, eye candy. Say, this may be the Benzedrine talking, but you’re a slice of man meat, and this prescription says take with food, huh?

Don: Here’s a Whitman sampler on the house, now please, wait over there.

Collette: Okay.

Don: (on phone) Yes, Dr. Steve Longshoe, please. Uh, yes, doctor, I just wanted to check on a patient of yours, Collette Reardon?

Collette: Tell him I said hi, Don.

Don: (on phone) No, I didn’t mean to suggest anything, Dr. Longshoe. Okay. Yeah. Just stay off the firewater. No, I’m serious.

Collette: (singing to herself) “Little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane, two American kids living in the heartland.”

Don: All right, Mrs. Reardon, everything seems to check out. Here are your medications.

Collette: Thanks, Don. Ooo, I better take my pills and get to work. You gotta be in top form, Don, when you’re driving a schoolbus full of kindergarteners.

Don: You gotta be careful, Mrs. Reardon. You make Courtney Love look like Amy Grant.

Collette: HA HA! Don!

Don: I’m serious.

(fade)

Submitted by: Robert Levy

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald


Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou … Tracy Morgan
… Will Ferrell


[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe applause. He removes the clip from his sheaf ofpapers and clears his throat.]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks. I’m Norm MacDonald andnow the fake news. Our top story tonight:

In court documents made public this week, independentcounsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge thatHillary Clinton is now a, quote, “central figure” inthe Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news,President Clinton called the investigation “a partisanwitch hunt,” vowing, quote, “If the First Lady issomehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will doeverything in my power to wait two weeks to startdating.” … [applause and a few cheers]

Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this weekthat Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflictof interest in her investigation of Democraticfundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno mighthave a conflict of interest between her X and Ychromosomes.

There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this weekwhen the parents of the teenage babysitter with whomhe had a five year affair decided not to pursuecriminal charges. However, a lawyer for thebabysitter’s family called Kennedy a, quote, “sick,pathetic individual,” while the County DistrictAttorney described him as a, quote, “alcoholic cradlerobber.” The only kind words came from his uncle,Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, “aninspiration.” … [cheers and applause]

Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this weekthat after three-and-a-half years of marriage he isseeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According toTrump, Maples violated part of their marriageagreement when she decided to turn thirty. … Thatwas – unacceptable!

At their annual convention this week, board members ofthe National Rifle Association narrowly elected actorCharlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gunlobby. According to Heston, his first priority will bea push to legalize the hunting of, quote, “damn dirtyapes”!

In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increasethe penalty for bouncing a check. [Norm pulls taperecorder out of his pocket, activates it and speaksinto it] Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans inAlabama. Find state more accommodating to the NormMacDonald lifestyle. [nods, grins, pocketsrecorder]

On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tiedDeep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine twohundred million positions per second, in the fourthgame of their six game series. Earlier in the week,Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder ingame two when he failed to force a draw by moving rookto e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense thatsoon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, afterDeep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantagewith his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr.Kasparov … What the hell were you thinking?

Norm MacDonald: Here with a further comment onthe Kasparov/Deep Blue match is Weekend Update chesscorrespondent, and building superintendent at 901Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our own Dominican Lou!Hi, Dominican Lou.

[Cheers and applause for Dominican Lou, a cheerful manwith a thick Dominican accent who waves to thecrowd.]

Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Gracias. Thankyou, Norm. I watching the chess player against thecomputer Deep Blue. I know how he feels. I playdominoes last week with Felix. He live up the block.He always bragging about nobody can beat him. But Ibea’ him. I bea’ him, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, you –?

Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that’s great. You beat him,huh?

Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!

Norm MacDonald: Ya beat him?

Dominican Lou: I bea’ him.

Norm MacDonald: You beat him?

Dominican Lou: [reluctantly tells the truth]No, I lose to him. … But if I can get the computerto come to my block, then I can teach the computer toplay dominoes. Then the computer can bea’ him. They -then he shut up.

Norm MacDonald: Well, I–

Dominican Lou: He can bea’ him.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. I – I don’t think that’sgonna happen, Lou. I – I don’t think that the computeris gonna learn dominoes.

Dominican Lou: No. I play all of my life. I canteach the computer to play dominoes in one day. Andthen it can bea’ him.

Norm MacDonald: No, no …

Dominican Lou: It can bea’ him!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, that’s – that’s notwhat I – that’s not what I mean, uh, Dominican Lou. Imean, I don’t think it’s – it’s thatimportant.

Dominican Lou: No. It’s important if you knowFelix. He’s a big mouth.

Norm MacDonald: [thinks he understands] Ahhh! Isee. So what you’re saying, then, is that this is notabout you and Felix. This is about the age-old battleof man versus machine.

Dominican Lou: Nooo. It’s basically about Felixand the mo’chine. Felix versus the mo’chine. You hearthat, Felix? Norm is going to bring his computer andhe’s going to give you– he’s going to whip you’ ass!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, I’m not.

Dominican Lou: He is not afraid of you and yourbrothers! Come down to the studio!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, I am.

Dominican Lou: Come down here!

Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I am.

Dominican Lou: He bust you up good!

Norm MacDonald: No, I’m afraid of you, Felix!

Dominican Lou: He bea’ you!

Norm MacDonald: Dominican Lou, everybody![cheers and applause]

Dominican Lou: Come down!

Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I’m deathlyafraid of Felix.

This week – this week, New York Senator Al D’Amatorepeated his claim that, during the Second World War,Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helpedlaunder money stolen from Jews. These charges are theresults of a lengthy, thorough investigation by thesenator which proves, quote, “beyond a shadow of adoubt” that New York has lots and lots of Jewishvoters, and no Swiss voters.

Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stillsand Nash was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall ofFame. In addition, a special lifetime achievementaward was presented to David Crosby’s liver. [Photo ofa liver] … Congratulations, David Crosby’sliver.

In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part inhis first live online chat May the 17th and a recordtwo-and-a-half million calls have already come in frompeople hoping to have an actual moment of contact withthe former Beatle. Although it should be noted thattwo million of those calls came from Ringo Starr, so… When you factor that into it– Yeah, I’ll go overhere– [turns to another camera]

In Washington, D.C., public school officials areasking parents to help pay for needed equipment suchas a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that onearea school has requested. According to the school’sprincipal, the new system will help him monitorcheerleaders that he claims like to vandalize schoolproperty while showering. … I don’t think he’s agood principal at all, that character.

And, in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School ofMedicine is looking for twenty habitual marijuanasmokers who they’ll provide with free pot in order tostudy the effects of the drug. [takes out recorderagain, crowd cheers and applauds anticipating thejoke] … Note to self: Spend summer vacation atBowman Gray School of Medicine and … maybe takeTimmy Meadows along with you. [pockets recorder,cheers and applause]

In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idahocounty wants the State Transportation Board todesignate some of its roads as “back country byways.”To strengthen their case, local officials plan tosexually assault Ned Beatty. [Photo of actor NedBeatty, well-remembered for his role as the rednecks’rape victim in the film “Deliverance”]

Norm MacDonald: Well, by now, most of you haveseen, or heard, about last week’s episode of “Ellen”in which the main character, played by EllenDeGeneres, announced that she is gay. Here to commenton “Ellen,” our very own Will Ferrell. Hi, Will.[cheers and applause for Will Ferrell who looks nattyin a suit and tie]

Will Ferrell: Hi, Norm, thank you. Likeeveryone in the country, I saw the historic episode of”Ellen” and, of course, I loved it. I don’t know whatit is but when a first class comedian spoofs gaypeople, it always makes me laugh. Hey, let’s face it,gays are funny. I loved Billy Crystal on “Soap” andthat Harvey Fierstein impression of a homosexualcouldn’t be more dead-on. Heck, even I do a funny gayguy around the office. You know, Judy Garland,fresh-cut flowers, interior decorating. It’s all ingood fun. Why not? I’m no homophobe. So, EllenDeGeneres, I salute you. There’s no controversy here.She’s just a damn good comedian who’s able to get goodlaughs pretending she’s a lesbian. And if that’swrong, then that’s my kinda wrong!

Norm MacDonald: Well, well, Will, now, she’s -she’s not exactly pretending.

Will Ferrell: How’s that?

Norm MacDonald: I mean, she wasn’t on the coverof Time Magazine for pretending she was gay. She – shereally is gay.

Will Ferrell: Ellen DeGeneres is gay? The – thereal Ellen DeGeneres?

Norm MacDonald: Yes. She’s a lesbian.

Will Ferrell: [suddenly looks ill] Oh, my god… Oh– I’m gonna be sick. [puts a hand to his mouthand turns away from Norm] Oh, God– [yellow vomitspews out of his mouth onto the floor]

Norm MacDonald: God, are – are you okay there,buddy? I–

Will Ferrell: No!

Norm MacDonald: Will, Will, are you – are youall right?

Will Ferrell: No, I’m not!

Norm MacDonald: It – it – it – it’s not a bigdeal. … [Will puts his head down on the desk (inpart to conceal the vomit leaking from thepuke-spewing device hidden in his sleeve)] Will, it’sokay. It’s okay. She just has– She has sex with -with women, that’s all. She has–

Will Ferrell: God, why did you put that dirty,sickening imagine in my mind?! Oh, no, here it comesagain! [pukes again, all over the desk]

Norm MacDonald: Good God, she’s just alesbian!

Will Ferrell: Oh, stop it please! Sto– [stillmore puke, this time in Norm’s direction – Norm backsaway, arms in the air – Will falls out of his chairand drops to the floor, disappearing behind the desk]

Norm MacDonald: There’s Will Ferrell,everybody! [applause and cheers] Will Ferrell. [Normpicks up his vomit-speckled sheaf of papers gingerly,then sets it next to the puddle of puke atop the desk,wiping his hands as he reads the next item:]

Well, in Albany, New York, Susan John has asked toresign as chairwoman of the State Assembly Alcohol andDrug Abuse Committee following her arrest ondrunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms.John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly’sCommittee on Irony. … [pulls out tape recorder] Noteto self: Never ever follow a vomit-spewing guy with ajoke.

[Norm pockets the recorder, then scoops up some vomitoff the desk with his bare hand and eats it – thehorrified crowd groans and hollers loudly – Norm givesthe crowd a look, as if to say, “What’s the bigdeal?”] It’s good, it’s quite good! [licking hisfingers] Normally, I – Normally, I don’t like WillFerrell vomit but this is actually very good! …[still licking his fingers] Let’s just end it! Folks!That’s the news. Good night!

[Applause. Norm cautiously takes the microphone offhis necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jeff Goldblum: 05/17/97


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 17th, 1997

Jeff Goldblum

En Vogue

None

  • Nightline

    Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

  • Jeff Goldblum’s Monologue

    Goldblum endures Jim Breuer’s dinosaur impressions.

  • Big Brawn Feminine Napkins

    (Repeat) See: 09/28/96.

  • Mary Katherine Gallagher

    Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) has perfect match in departing teacher (Goldblum).

    Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

  • Space, The Infinite Frontier

    Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) would eat the moon if it were made of ribs.

    Recurring Characters: Harry Caray.

  • TV Funhouse

    “Fun With Real Audio” uncovers tue meaning of “talk show trash”.

  • Goth Talk

    Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.

  • Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

    Recurring Characters: Lenny the Lion.

  • En Vogue performs “Don’t Let Go”

  • Kennedy Kapers

    Members of the Kennedy Family compete on game show.

    Recurring Characters: Ted Kennedy.

  • Larry King’s News & Views I

    Larry King (Norm MacDonald) further dispenses odd statements.

    Recurring Characters: Larry King.

  • Take This Job And Shove It!

    Janet Blaum (Ana Gasteyer) fails to tell off union boss (Goldblum) successfully.

    Recurring Characters: Janet Blaum.

  • Vic Ocasek’s Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp

    Vic Ocasek’s (Goldblum) rock-and-roll camp features only former rock stars.

  • Jerry “Steve” Dave

    Jerry Steve Dave (Tim Meadows) provides for a strange job interview.

  • Larry King’s News & Views II

    Larry King (Norm MacDonald) voices more personal thoughts.

    Recurring Characters: Larry King.

    SNL Transcripts

  • Movie Set

    Movie Set

    David…..Mark McKinney
    Herself/Mrs. Johnson…..Pamela Lee
    Actor/Lawyer…..Will Ferrell
    Tommy Lee/Himself…..Norm MacDonald
    …..The Real Tommy Lee


    [FADE IN on an office set. A lawyer sits behind a desk while Pamela Lee sits in the chair opposite. David, the director, stand above them.]

    David: Okay, Pam, this is your big scene, so I want you to try and pretend that it’s all real. Okay?

    [Both actors nod]

    David: You ready, guys?

    Actor: Yes.

    Pam: Yeah.

    David: [walks off] All right, let’s go for it. And… action!

    [A brief, dramatic horn line plays as Pam leans forward toward the desk.]

    Mrs. Johnson: [enunciating carefully] Do you think I will win my case?

    Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson–

    [Suddenly, Norm Macdonald, dressed as Tommy Lee, walks into the scene. He wears a white tank-top T-shirt, and his arms are festooned with tattoos.]

    Tommy: Hey, babe! I-I-I’m going to the store. You want me to pick up somethin’?

    Pam: Tommy!

    David: Cut!

    Tommy: [in realization] Oh, I’m sorry, dudes, man, I totally zoned! I didn’t know you were shooting!

    David: Okay, look, that’s okay, Mr. Lee. But please, just stay OFF the set? Okay?

    Tommy: Okay.

    [He grins, points his fingers at the director, and runs off.]

    David: All right. Let’s try it again, all right? And… action!

    [music sting]

    Mrs. Johnson: Do you think I will win my case?

    Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isn’t blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

    [Tommy rushes into the scene and angrily walks up to the lawyer.]

    Tommy: Hey, why’d you wink at my wife?

    Actor: [puzzled] What?

    Tommy: I saw you winking at my wife! Why are you so winky, huh? [shoves him]

    David: Hey, hey! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

    Pam: Tommy, what are you doing?

    Tommy: Hey, Pammy, you just stay out of this! Just go in my car and get my gun!

    David: [impatiently] Hey, look. Get, get a hold of yourself please, Mr. Lee, he really isn’t interested in your wife. He’s not a real lawyer, this isn’t a real office, that isn’t even a real window, okay? None of this is REAL.

    [Tommy blinks in confusion and then understands again.]

    Tommy: Oh! Oh! I’m sorry, I, I feel like an idiot!

    [He gives Pam a deep kiss on the lips and walks back off the set.]

    Pam: I’m so sorry, David. He gets like that sometimes.

    David: No, no, no, no, that’s okay, we’re all artists, we’re all emotional, we all like to live out loud. Okay? [walks back behind movie camera] All right, let’s take it from “bifocals.” And… action!

    [music sting]

    Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isn’t blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ah, ha, ha, ha–

    [While the lawyer delivers his line, Tommy shows up in the fake window behind the lawyer. He stares out through it in wonder.]

    David: Cut! Mr. Lee, why are you standing in the window?

    Tommy: Oh! I, I thought you couldn’t see me through this window, ‘cause earlier you said that it wasn’t a real window!

    David: No, we can see you. So please MOVE?

    Tommy: Ah! [walks out of sight]

    David: Okay, let’s take it from the top, okay? And… action!

    [music sting]

    Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson–

    Tommy: [hurtling in] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!

    [Tommy drives straight at the lawyer and hurls him out of his chair onto the floor. He starts to grab him, but two crew members hustle in and pull him off.]

    Actor: Oh, God, I think he broke my nose!

    Pam: Oh, Tommy, you know this is a movie, right?

    Tommy: Oh, a movie! Yes!! I forgot! Hah! Hey, I didn’t know what happened, I’m sorry, there, hey, amigo, no hard feelings, huh, buddy? [shakes lawyer’s hand]

    Actor: Apology accepted. I’m actually a big fan of Motley Crue.

    Tommy: [happily] Oh, yeah? Rock ‘n’ roll, man, rock ‘n’ roll!

    Actor: Yeah, and I’ve always really thought your wife was great, too–

    Tommy: [not comprehending] Oh, thanks! [gets it] WHAT?! AGH–

    [Tommy grabs the lawyer by the back of the head and pounds it on the desk over and over.]

    Pam: [jumps up and down frantically] Stop it! Stop it! He doesn’t like me! Tom, he’s gay! He’s gay!

    [Tommy hears her and lets him go.]

    Tommy: Ah!

    Actor: [dazed] I’m very, very gay… [slumps underneath desk]

    Tommy: Oh, I’m sorry. [to Pam] Oh, man, I’m sorry, baby, you know, I just love you so much. You know it gets me crazy, you know…

    [He leans forward and gives Pam a long soul kiss. After a few seconds, the real Tommy Lee, dressed identically to Norm MacDonald, darts onto the set and yanks Norm off her.]

    Real Tommy Lee: Hey! HEY!!

    [When he faces Norm, Tommy stifles a laugh, and the two smirk at each other while the audience cheers.]

    Real Tommy Lee: Get your freakin’ hands off my wife!

    Pam: Baby, we’re just doing a sketch.

    Real Tommy Lee: [coldly] Pammy, stay out of this, baby. Go to my car and get my gun.

    Norm MacDonald: [nervously] Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, I swear, uh, you know, uh, me and your wife, we’re just acting. [to Pam] Right? T-t-tell him, honey.

    Real Tommy Lee: “Honey”?!

    Norm MacDonald: No, no!

    Real Tommy Lee: What–

    [Tommy Lee starts bashing Norm MacDonald’s head over and over on the desk while Pam slumps and covers her eyes with her hand. FADE to black over applause.]

    Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    Jerry “Steve” Dave

    Jerry “Steve” Dave

    Molly … Molly Shannon
    Mr. Bradley … Jeff Goldblum
    Mr. Dave … Tim Meadows


    [Receptionist Molly enters a plush executive officewith a file folder and approaches her boss, Mr.Bradley, who sits at his stylish desk. Both aredressed expensively but tastefully. Reproductions ofpaintings by fine modern artists decorate the paneledwalls.]

    Molly: Mmm. Uh, Mr. Dave is here to see you,sir.

    Mr. Bradley: Who?

    Molly: Uh, Mr. Dave, he’s, uh, he’s here tointerview for the engineer position.

    Mr. Bradley: Oh, right, right, right. Did hefill out an, a, uh, an application?

    Molly: Yeah, he did. [hands him the filefolder] It’s right – it’s right in here …

    Mr. Bradley: Okay.

    Molly: … so you can look at that.

    Mr. Bradley: Thank you. Send him rightin.

    Molly: Okay. [calls to Mr. Dave] Mr. Dave?Right this way.

    [Molly exits once Mr. Dave enters, wearing an oldyellow shirt that reads HAWAII ’88. He shakes handswith Mr. Bradley who is stunned at Mr. Dave’sastonishingly casual dress for a high-tech jobinterview.]

    Mr. Dave: Hey! Thanks for seein’ me, Mr.Bradley!

    Mr. Bradley: Hi…

    Mr. Dave: Yeah.

    Mr. Bradley: … Mr. Dave. Have a seat. Mypleasure. [they sit] Say, can I give you a tip for thefuture? This – this shirt you’re wearing …?

    Mr. Dave: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [proudly] I gotthis in Hawaii in 1988. … You can’t get ’em any moreand this one is NOT for sale.

    Mr. Bradley: [decides not to say anything aboutit] Oh, okay. … [reads the application] Uh, well,let’s just – let’s just go ‘head and see what yourapplication says, Mr. Jerry Dave.

    Mr. Dave: Yeah, but, uh, you can call me”Steve.”

    Mr. Bradley: [gives him a look] Okay, Steve.[consults application] Uh, when asked why you wantedthe job of engineer, you put, “To fake an injury andsue you. No, just kidding.” … “To make free Xeroxesof my one-man show, entitled ‘Jerry “Steve” Dave’sSongs in the Key of Steve’ – Just kidding again.” [Mr.Dave laughs, grins, nods his head at his joke] Uh,”Really, so I can buy a boatload of fireworks andcelebrate the Fourth of July in style.”

    Mr. Dave: Yeah, you know, I have two loves inmy life — uh, Fourth of July and, of course,teamwork.

    Mr. Bradley: Really? And yet, and yet, on yourapplication, you put here, “Teamwork is for suckers.When I’m hired, I will do to teamwork what Napoleondid to Japan.”

    Mr. Dave: Yeah, he – he conquered Japan,right?

    Mr. Bradley: No.

    Mr. Dave: [turns on the charm] Come on, man.I’m Jerry “Steve” Dave, the Magic Man! [grins, wiggleshis eyebrows]

    Mr. Bradley: [taken aback] Okay. I – I’m notsure what that means, uh, but, uh, you know, this -this job requires, uh, a college degree in the fieldof electrical engineering and, uh, for education, yousay here you’ve completed “a few freestyle potterycourses at the Learning Annex.” So–

    Mr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, see, I’ve been reallyhittin’ the books really hard lately to show that I’m,um — what’s the word I’m lookin’ for?Supergood! Yeah, that’s the word. I’m – I’mreally supergood at things.

    Mr. Bradley: Okay. “Super good” is two words,by the way. But, uh, ah … Say, let me – let me askyou something. Uh …

    Mr. Dave: Mm hmm?

    Mr. Bradley: Wh – where do you see yourself in,like, say, uh, ten years?

    Mr. Dave: Wow. Ten years. That’s a long asstime, man. … Um, I don’t know what I’m gonna bedoin’ but it would definitely involve this souped-upKawasaki jet ski …

    Mr. Bradley: Uh huh.

    Mr. Dave: That’s right, you heard me. … And,uh, let’s see, uh, I don’t know, what else did I puton that application there?

    Mr. Bradley: Ah, that “my ten year goal is toget a souped-up Kawasaki jet ski.” Ah, that’s all youwrote.

    Mr. Dave: Yeah? Well, that’s all I want! …[smiles, claps his hands together and rubs thementhusiastically] So, when do I start?

    Mr. Bradley: Mr. Dave, uh, I’m gonna be honestwith ya. I really don’t think, uh, that you – that youthought this thing through.

    Mr. Dave: Really? Did I happen to mention thatI have “101 Dalmatians” on laserdisc? [winks broadly,clicks his tongue]

    Mr. Bradley: [rises] N-no, you didn’t. Uh, so,uh, listen, I’m sure you want to get on with your day,so we gotta – we gotta let you leave.

    Mr. Dave: [threateningly] You shouldleave.

    Mr. Bradley: [more confused than scared]What?

    Mr. Dave: [instantly nonchalant] Nothin’.[smiles, rises]

    Mr. Bradley: Okay. Come on. Let’s go. [the twomen walk to the door]

    Mr. Dave: You’re makin’ a big mistake, man.

    Mr. Bradley: Well–

    Mr. Dave: [grandly] I am Jerry “Steve” Dave,the Magic Man!

    Mr. Bradley: [opening the door for Mr. Dave]You said that before, you said that before. Thanks somuch. [offers to shake hands]

    Mr. Dave: Hey, you, uh, you wanna get stoned?[pulls out a joint and holds it up]

    Mr. Bradley: What? My God in Heaven, please![pushes Mr. Dave out the door] Get out of here. [Mr.Dave exits, a shaken Mr. Bradley calls for hisreceptionist] Molly! Molly! Jesus. [Mr. Bradley shutsthe door and looks baffled as we fadeout.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    NASCAR Pamela Lee Invitational

    NASCAR Pamela Lee Invitational

    …..Pamela Lee
    Dale Jarrett…..Colin Quinn


    [FADE IN on a flashing screen with the caption, “SATURDAY,” then CUT to NASCAR racing video.]

    Announcer: This Saturday on ESPN2: straight from Daytona, it’s big NASCAR action. All the biggest names in stock car racing have been brought together by the woman whose name is synonymous with NASCAR: Pamela Lee. That’s right–it’s the First Annual Pamela Lee Invitational NASCAR Rally.

    [SUPERIMPOSE caption over racing footage.]

    Announcer: Pamela Lee knows NASCAR. And she’ll be calling all the action herself right from trackside.

    [FADE to Pamela Lee standing in front of a group of spectators. She wears a headphone with a mike and a powder blue racesuit which is unzipped to show her entire cleavage.]

    Pamela: We’ve got an incredible race out here today! Coming up in fourth, Brett Bodine on the inside groove! Boy, oh, boy, that new R-tail chassis he’s riding here has way more downforce trim than his old Eagle 977. Coming down the straightaway, it’s Brett Bodiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!

    [Pamela leans over the fence and shakes her breasts back and forth. CUT to footage of cars racing in a very tight pack.]

    Bodine: Hey, is that Pamela LEE out there? Good NIGHT! Would you look at that set of–OH, MY GOD!!!!!

    [Bodine’s car gets bumped and smashes into the wall.]

    Announcer: Pamela Lee plus NASCAR equals pure racing excitement.

    [FADE back to Pamela at her station.]

    Pamela: Well, they finally cleared Brett Bodine off the track. It looks like Rusty Wallace is slingshotting off of bend two! Here comes Wallaaaaaaaaace!! [leans over and shakes her breasts]

    [CUT to Wallace driving on the outside in heavy traffic and getting rear-ended into the wall.]

    Wallace: [shrieking] HEY!!! HEY, PAMELA, LOOK AT ME!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!!

    [Several others crash into him, and he skids upside down in the midst of the pack. He flips back over and skids down the track with smoke pouring out behind him.]

    Wallace: HEY, PAMELA, OVER HERE!!! OH MY GOD, I’M ON FIRE!!!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!! HEY, PAMELA, OVER HERE!!! OH, MY GOD, MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!!! PAMELA!!! I’M STILL GOING!!!

    Announcer: All NASCAR’s top drivers will be there. And they are pumped!

    Wallace: I’M ON FIRE!!

    [FADE to Dale Jarrett in a red racesuit.]

    Jarrett: I gotta tell you, this race is a really bad idea.

    [FADE back to Pamela Lee at trackside.]

    Pamela: [smiling] Boy, there has been a lot of crashes today! Must be a slippery track! But with five laps to go, it’s Jeff Gordooooooooooon!! Whooo!!

    [She starts jumping up and down, but claps her hands to her ears and covers her mouth at the sound of squealing tires.]

    Pamela: Oh! Uh-oh!

    [CUT to Jeff Gordon’s car skidding sideways toward the center with its front end smashed.]

    Gordon: Oh, I saw right down her shirt! It was so worth it!

    [A car zooms up out of nowhere and clips his front right corner. He goes spinning as metal flies into the air.]

    Gordon: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! It was still worth it! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

    [CUT to footage of an airborne Goodyear blimp.]

    Announcer: And as always, exciting aerial views will be brought to you by the Goodyear Blimp.

    [FADE to Pamela jumping up and down and waving up to the blimp. A moment later, orange light suddenly flares up, and an explosion is heard. Pamela stares up as smoke and pieces of the blimp come drifting down. Spectators duck for cover.]

    Pamela: Oh! Oh! Oh!

    [CUT back to opening NASCAR footage.]

    Announcer: The Pamela Lee Invitational NASCAR Rally. ESPN2. This Saturday.

    [FADE to black over applause.]

    Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    Larry King’s News & Views I


    Larry King’s News & Views I

    Larry King…..Norm MacDonald


    [Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

    Announcer: If you’re not reading “Larry King’sNews & Views” in USA Today, then you’re missing out onthe issues that matter.

    Larry King: [into the camera] This is “News andViews.” Here’s my two cents, gang. If you only see onefilm the rest of your life, it should be – “Dante’sPeak”!

    Yours truly will be in Branson, Missouri next week foran exclusive interview with – Eddie Rabbitt.

    The more I think about it, the more I appreciatewater. A great, great beverage.

    Is it just me or is anyone else sick and tired – ofthe Special Olympics?

    Promoter Don King: one class act!

    I don’t ever remember wearing a hat. Not once. Notever!

    I dined with O. J. Simpson in Los Angeles last weekand, take it from me, folks, the Juice is still a herowherever he goes.

    Of all the causes of death, burning in a fire is stillNumero Uno in the pain department.

    There isn’t a better chef in the world of food thanChef Boyardee.

    I have no tolerance for people who bury other peoplealive.

    Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts