97t: David Duchovny / Puff Daddy with Jimmy Page


Husband…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Molly Shannon
Thief…..Chris Kattan

[open on crowded North African marketplace, with a man cooking chicken in a pot]

Husband: [voice over] We planned and saved for our trip to North Africa for almost two years. [husband and wife walk together in marketplace] [dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]

Wife: It was supposed to be our dream vacation, but it almost turned into a nightmare.

Husband: Someone stole our traveler’s checks.

[dissolve to marketplace, with husband and wife checking their pockets and bags]

Wife: I never thought it could happen to us. We didn’t know what to do.

[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of curtain]

Husband: Fortunately, we had Interbank Travelers’s Checks. And Interbank does more than just refund your money.

Wife: That’s because Interbank vows [dissolve to marketplace, with black jeep pulling up and thief fleeing from the scene] to find out who stole your checks and hunt them down like animals.

[dissolve to close-up of husband sitting in front of curtain]

Husband: Like filthy, dirty animals. That’s the Interbank difference. [dissolve to marketplace, with armed men pursuing the thief, discarging their weapons, pinning thief to the ground, and dragging him away] See, I don’t care how Interbank’s secret police get things done. I just care that they get things done. For us.

Wife: And that gives me peace of mind.

Husband: Peace of mind that lets us relax and enjoy our vacation.

[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]

Wife: Plus, because we’d enrolled in their Premiere Membership program, [dissolve to ramshackle shelter, with armed men breaking down door] Interbank also hunted down friends and relatives of the guy who had stolen our money, dragged them from their beds in the middle of the night, and set fire to their homes. [armed men drag several sleeping people from bed and set fire to the shelter] [dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]

Husband: Sure, some of Interbank’s methods aren’t exactly legal… [dissolve to a man (possibly thief), bound in a chair and with a white hood pulled over his head, while one man prepares electrodes and a control box while another man hits the bound man on the back of the head] [dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain] …but, thanks, Interbank.

[a man dressed like the armed Interbank agents enters the shot and is seen only from the neck down as he places his left hand ominously on the wife’s shoulder] [dissolve to black screen with spinning orange Earth graphic, which freezes as a black-gloved hand curves around the globe and clamps onto it with a secure “clang” sound, and a yellow rectangle appears with red lettering: “Interbank”] [voice over: “Interbank Traveler’s Checks. Security. Confidence. Payback.”]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Celebrity Jeopardy

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Wil Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Minnie Driver…..Molly Shannon
Jeff Goldblum…..David Duchovny

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”! We’ve got quite a contest going on here, lets take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in second place with -$6,500..

Sean Connery: Only on accountability!

Alex Trebek: Great. Uh.. Minnie Dryver is in first with a commanding score of 0.

Minnie Driver: [ repeatedly presses buzzer until it beeps ] Umm.. what is history?

Alex Trebek: We haven’t started playing yet! And finally, JeffGoldblum, with an incredible -$17,800.

Jeff Goldblum: [ gestures to the audience and blows a kiss ] Well.. uh, yes.. I suppose I do.

Alex Trebek: Better luck to all of you, in the next round. It’s time for Double Jeopardy, let’s take a look at the board. And the categories are: “Potent Potables”, “Literature”.. which is just a big word for books.. “Therapists”, “Current U.S. Presidents”, “Show and Tell”, “Household Objects”, and finally, “One-Letter Words”. Anyway, Jeff Goldblum, you are in third place, so the board is yours.

Jeff Goldblum: Well.. uh, this is.. uh, Jeopardy.. Seeing as there are.. uh.. one, two, three, four, five. six.. ahh uh, seven different catagories..

Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] Right, Mr. Connery. why don’t you pick?

Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I’ll take “TheRapists” for $200.

Alex Trebek: That’s “Therapists.” That’s “Therapists,” not “TheRapists.” Let’s skip “Therapists” and try “Household Objects”, for $400. And the answer is, “You usually drink water out of one of these.” [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: A leather glove!

Alex Trebek: No. [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.

Minnie Driver: A toilet!

Alex Trebek: That is awful. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum: [ marvels at the buzzer until time runs out ]

Alex Trebek: And you’re an idiot! The answer was “a glass.”

Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!

Alex Trebek: [ hesitant ] Technically, it’s still Mr. Goldblum’sboard, but since he’s a human wasteland, I’ll let Mr. Connery pick again.

Sean Connery: Ohhhh, I’ll play your game, you rogue! Let’s try”The Rapists” for $20.

Alex Trebek: How about “Show and Tell” for $600? I’ll just show you an object, and you’ll tell me what it is, okay?

Sean Connery: It’s a man with a mustache!

Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven’t shown it to you yet. Here it is. [ holds up a hammer ] Name this object! [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.

Minnie Driver: It’s a popsicle!

Alex Trebek. No. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum, name this object.

Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That’s a..uh.. a what-do-you-call-it when you.. umm.. When you… when you punish criminals in.. uh.. days of yore. It was a.. And you’d put them in the.. uh.. the square in those.. you know.. uh..

Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?

Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly! [ timer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: It’s a freaking hammer!

Jeff Goldblum: Well, of course it is!

Sean Connery: Now, listen to me! You back off, Trebek! You wouldn’t have known that if you didn’t have that card in front of you! [ to Goldblum ] This guy reads from a card!

Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let’s move on to “Current U.S. Presidents”, for $400. And the answer is: “He is the current U.S. President.” [ no responses, so more clue is revealed ] “He has white hair, and you’ve probably seen him in the news..” “..His first name is ‘Bill’..” [ no responses ] “..Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently..” “..His last name is Clinton!..” “..His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, ‘Who is Bill Clinton?’.” [ still no responses ] Someone just say it! Anyone. [ timer sounds ] ..And the show has reached a new low.

Sean Connery: And I’m the cock of the walk!

Alex Trebek: Alright, let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. And the category is: “Letters of the Alphabet.” All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, “A” or “G”. [ “Final Jeopardy Theme” plays, as the contestants write furiously ] There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. [ pan across contestants to Jeff Goldblum waving his arms around in slow strides ] Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there.. [ time runs out ] Okay, for the sake of tradition, let’s take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: [ picture of a large hand giving “The Finger” appears ] Okay, that is definitely not a letter.

Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!!

Alex Trebek: Beautiful. Just beautiful. Minnie Driver, let’s see what you wrote. [ screen reveals a drawing of an eye ] You drew a picture of an eye.

Minnie Driver: Well, “I” is a letter isn’t it?

Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded? Let’s go to Jeff Goldblum, who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Let’s see what your answer was. [ screen reveals a huge number 2 ] The number 2.

Jeff Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah.. the letter 2, my friend!

Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.

Jeff Goldblum: I, uh.. I can’t read or write.

Alex Trebek: Good for you. Well, as always, three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money, here on “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’m Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Good night!

Thanks to Dustin of Saturday Night Live ’97-’98for this transcript.Thanks to CarriK the Transcriber of The David Duchovny Archives for this

SNL Transcripts

David Duchovny’s Monologue

David Duchovny’s Monologue

…..David Duchovny

David Duchovny: [ enters, carrying guitar ] Thank you very much! It’s great to be here doing “Saturday Night Live”. You know, this is my first time in New York, and I’m really having a good time.

Actually, that was a lie. It’s not my first time in New York. I actually grew up here. I have no idea why I said that. I guess I’m pretty nervous. Well, that’s why I have this guitar here with me. [ sits on stool ] This is sort of a security blanket for me. Yeah, I know it might just look like just a cheap old six string to you, but this thing has been a big part of my life. You see, I was a very, very shy kid. I mean, like, literally, like from the age of 8 to 15, music was the way I communicated with people. I mean, this little baby here was my voice. In 1969, my father bought me this guitar at a flea market. He used to take me for guitar lessons every Saturday afternoon. And i’ll never forget the look on my Dad’s face the first time I played a song. He was so proud of me. Whenever I pick up this guitar, it’s like my father is right here with me. Tonight, if you don’t mind, I’d like to play a song for my father.

[ applause ]

Thank you. Although, I feel kind of foolsih even having this out here, considering that Jimmy Page, one of the greatest guitar legends of all time is here. But, if you’ll indulge me.. any of you guys Zeppelin fans? That’s Led Zeppelin. Well, maybe you can guess the name of this little Zeppelin tune. It’s one of my Dad’s favorites, actually.

[ plays “Over The Hills And Far Away” a little too well. After a few bars, he accidentally drops the pick into the body of the guitar. ]

Oh, damn.. Idropped the pick. I mean, it’s embarrassing. That’s live TV, that’s kind of fun. [ begins shaking guitar ] Som you just kind of get the pick out and start the song again. You know.. leave it to my Dad to buy me a cheap guitar like this.. with, like, the biggest belly in the world. I mean, he couldn’t spend more than $4.95 to get a damn guitar for me! If I knew where he lived right now, I would punch – [ still shaking guitar ] – you know something? This is a littlefrustrating now.. You know, I hate my father!

[ breaks guitar violently over stool, then finds the pick among the broken pieces of the guitar ]

Hey, here it is! Now I guess I can play that little tune.

[ plays “Over The Hills And Far Away” air guitar ]

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Puff Daddy is here, and Jimmy Page! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ continues to play air guitar ]

Thanks to CarriK the Transcriber of The David Duchovny Archives for this

SNL Transcripts

From The Earth To The Area Around The Earth

From The Earth To The Area Around The Earth

Scott…..David Duchovny
Houston controller #1…..Will Ferrell
Houston controller #2…..Tim Meadows
News anchor…..Darrell Hammond
Rick…..Jim Breuer

[ Title Card #1: Tom Hanks Presents ] [ Title Card #2: From The Earth To The Area Around The Earth: The Story of The Space Shuttle ] [ Title Card #3: Part 14 ] [ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle. SUPER : “Space Shuttle Columbia, April 29, 1998” ]

Scott: Houston, we’ve got Rick in the rotation unit now, procedure is on schedule.

[ Houston Control Center: Controller #1 is reading the newspaper, Controller #2 is looking bored ]

Houston controller #1: Oh, um, yeah that’s terrific Scott.

Scott: Infrareds are tracking Rick’s eye movements, soon the world will know how the pituitary gland respond to weightlessness.

Houston controller #1: That’s right Roger.

[ News bulletin. SUPER : “Evening News April 29, 1998” ]

News Anchor: The United Nations is stepping up a plan to increase aids to Sudan, the Sudanese government, has consented to allow supplies to be sent in the area. Stay with us.

[ SUPER: “Coming up: Chrysler merger talks resume… Japan stocks close lower… Tony Awards nominees announced… Space Shuttle” ] [ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle. SUPER : “April 30, 1998” ]

Scott: Houston, we have repaired the cabin air cleanser.

Rick: We are locked, and loaded Houston [ Pilots “high five” ]

Houston controller #1 : That’s terrific um.. what’s is name again?

Houston controller #2 : [ Building a card castle ] Rick.

Houston controller #1 : That’s terrific Rick!

Scott: We’ll be able to finish testing how the rodents respond to root beer, while weightless.

Houston controller #2 : [ Doesn’t care, and doesn’t know what to say ] Godspeed!

Houston controller #1 : Yeah Godspeed.

[ News bulletin. SUPER : “Evening News April 30, 1998” ]

News Anchor: In sports Mark McGwire has smashed his 11th home run tonight, it wasn’t enough though as Milwaukee defeated ST-Louis 7 to 4. Stay with us!

[ SUPER : “Coming up: Denmark strikers hold ground… “Ben Casey” creator dies… Pleated skirt makes comeback…Space Shuttle” ] [ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle as retransmitted live on TV. SUPER: “May 2, 1998” ]

Scott: Mister President we are locked and loaded!

V/O then Houston controller #1 : [ Poorly impersonating President Clinton, controller #2 has difficulty not to laugh out loud ] America is proud of you! We look forward to your return.

Scott: We look forward to seeing you Sir!

Houston controller #1 : Oh, I’ll be there, I can’t wait to meet you all!

Rick: Hey I’d just like want to say to everyone who’s watching that we really love up here but, we sure miss home!

Houston controller #1 : Yes!

[ Controller #1 cannot impersonate the President anymore because he’s laughing too much. Controller #2 takes a shot ]

Houston controller #2 : Hi! I’m the President! President Clinton!

Scott: Yes Sir!

Houston controller #2 : I like sex!… I’m Clinton… I have lots of sex…with women!

Scott: All right Sir!

Houston controller #2 : Look at me! I’m Clinton!… Weeeeeeee!

[ Title Card #4 : The United Nations continued its support for Sudan. Ragtime led the Tony Award Nominations with thirteen. Mark McGwire has since hit his twelfth and thirteenth home runs. ] [ Title Card #5 : The Strike in Denmark remains unresolved. ] [ Title Card #6: From The Earth To The Area Around The Earth: The Story of The Space Shuttle ] [ Title Card #7: Next Week: Part 15 and 16 ] [ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Spartan Cheerleaders

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Dale Heavener…..David Duchovney
Cheerleader #1…..Ana Gasteyer
Cheerleader #2…..Molly Shannon
…..Paula Abdul

Dale: Everybody word up, word up, word up! Okay cool. For those who haven’t taken my splits and hurkey-jerkey jump workshop, I’m Dale Heavener…”the Heavenater” and I’d like to welcome everyone to the Spirit Stick Competition here at Camp Paula Abdul! Okay you guys have been working your butts off this week and I think you sizzle, and I think your cheering has been triple wicked. Alright, everybody get a good seat over there because we’re ready to pump up the jam!

Okay on a serious tip, whoever cut the front out of my speedo…not cool. Because that was my only speedo you guys so, enough said. Whew! Okay now here is the squad from East Lake high school, and they call themselves “Pep Daddy!”

(Audience screams and applauds)

Craig and Arianna:
All aboard! Butt, butt, butt, butt,
Butt, butt, butt, butt UGLY!
You’re butt ugly!
We are the mighty Spartans riding up your astroturf
People say you’re so ugly Godzilla gave you birth!

Arianna: Hey! Who’s that Spartan gettin’ a wedgie?

Craig: It’s me! It’s me!

Arianna: I said who’s that Spartan gettin’ a wedgie?

Craig: It’s me! It’s me!

Uh-huh! Uh-uh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Arianna: Come on guys! It’s not just for strippers anymore!

Craig: That’s right!

(Dale comes running by them, almost knocking Arianna over)

Dale: Sorry about that…you guys should call yourselves jalepeno because, whew, you are so hot.

(All three do kicks)

Dale: Okay settle, settle. Let’s find out more about Craig and Arianna.

Arianna:…my name is Arianna and I’m just like Mary Tyler Moore except I don’t have a Jewish friend. Um, I’m coming to terms with my small chest. And despite my bike accident I’m still technically a virgin. (Jumping up and down)

Dale: Okay, sex can wait!

All Three: masterbate!

Dale: Okay, Craig, what about you?

Craig: Well I’m a Taurus which means I can be stubborn, plus I’m afraid of water sports.

Dale: Uh-oh, someone’s afraid to take off their shirt. Back hair?

Craig: Guilty as charged

Dale: Believe me, I can relate. My nipples are the size of dinner plates.

Arianna: Not attractive, not attractive!

Craig: Dinner plates. No.

(All three jumping and kicking)

Dale: Okay are you guys ready for your power cheer?

Craig & Arianna: Alright!

The Spartans hate to brag but we’re a real hum-dinger
We’re gonna kick your butt like a guest on Jerry Springer
I say who you talkin’ to, who you talkin’ to, who you talkin’ toUh!

I am a hooker
I ain’t got no teeth
I killed my husband
With a Christmas wreath

I say who you talkin’ to
Who you talkin’ to
Who you talkin’ to

I’m a transvestite
Who’s stealing drugs
‘Cause my redneck daddy
Never gave me hugs

I say who you talkin’ to!
Final thought!

Arianna: Whoo! Jerry Springer! Get the message guys!

Dale: Whoa, that cheer was funktagious guys. Okay I think the judges are ready for their scores.

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig. (Grabbing Craig’s hand)

Announcer: For creativity…0.3

Craig and Arianna: Yes!

Announcer: For athleticism…0.6

Arianna: .6!

Announcer: For difficulty…0.0

Craig and Arianna: Awww!

Announcer: For lameness..10

Craig and Arianna: Yes! Yes!

Arianna: Oh Craig we nailed it! Paula Abdul would be so proud!

Dale: Listen guys, I’ve been tight with Paula since she was a Laker girl, and I know two things about her. One, she loves to have her hair brushed. And two, she’s a stickler for pep jumps and booty work.

(Two cheerleaders walk up to them)

Cheerleader #1: Attention all ass vaccuums.

Craig and Arianna: Yes?

Cheerleader #1: According to the rule book, you have to have at least four in your squad to get a spirit stick.

Cheerleader #2: Yes and one, two…you guys are both disqualified.

Arianna: Craig? Craig, what are we gonna do?

Dale: Hey if you don’t mind a 37 year old who collects Barbies, I’d be glad to join your squad.

Craig: Thanks Dale but that’s only three. We need four to compete.

(Sound of a helicopter off camera)

Arianna: Craig! A helicopter! I think it’s Rosie Perez!

Craig: No, I think it’s Debbie Allen!

Dale: If it’s who I think it is I’m gonna saturate my speedo.

(Paula Abdul walks over)

All Three: Paula Abdul! Oh my God! Paula Abdul!

Dale: Paula Abdul, you are my goddess! You’re my goddess! Can I brush your hair?

Paula: No Dale.

Dale: Okay is that because I’m your coworker?

Paula: No, it’s because your nipples are the size of dinner plates.

Dale: Oh yes, not good.

Paula: (Pulls a Barbie from behind her back) Here, play with this.

Dale: Oh, it’s Malibu Bubble Barbie! Completes the set!

Arianna: (Singing) Paula, straight up now tell us are you gonna be the fourth member of our squa-a-ad? (Does kick)

Paula: Actually I’m here to collect your registration fees.

Arianna: Ahhh!

Paula: Oh, and I’ll be the fourth member on your super squad! (Hugs Arianna) Okay, get!

Arianna: Yeah!

(All four dance to “Play that Funky Music White Boy.” Awesome dance.)

Thanks to Jenni C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/09/98: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 20

97t: David Duchovny / Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Dominican Lou…..Tracy Morgan
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Aah ha! Hello, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!

Okay. Last weekend, President Clinton and the First Lady went to Stanford University to meet Chelsea’s new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce. Pierce told Clinton that the President was his role model. To which Clinton responded, “I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.”

Now, Hillary Clinton this week said that Palestinians should have their own free state. The President pointed out that the statement didn’t reflect official government policy. But added that if they wanted to become a free state, he and Hillary would be glad to broker the land deal.

A spokesman for the First Lady said that her views were personal, and are in no way a reflection of the views of the President. Much like their wedding vows….That’s sad, but…it’s true.

According to a poll in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of American women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. Meanwhile, the other 68 percent of the women said that he promised them that she would.

On “Larry King Live” Thursday night, Bob Dole revealed that he was one of the test subjects of Viagra, and that it’s a great drug. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Dole was on the “Today” show promoting her new book, The Horrors of Viagra.

In order to break a 14-month stalemate in the Middle of – in the Middle East peace talks, Madeleine Albright gave Israel ’til Monday to come to an agreement. The Israelis said, “Hey, she’s got a lot of chutzpah for somebody who only found out she was Jewish when she read it in the paper!”…‘Member?

This week, Bill Gates paid 30 million dollars for a Winslow Homer painting of a seascape. However, he will continue to pay four bucks for a haircut.

FBI research indicates that nearly half the guns used in crimes in New York came from five Southern states: Virginia, Florida, North Carolina, Georgia, and South Carolina. The other half came from under the front seat in the Wu-Tang Clan’s car. [some boos]…What, is Method Man here? Why are you people…

Now, here with some commentary on the Kenneth Starr investigation, the super of 9201 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, Dominican Lou!

[pan over to Dominican Lou, whose left arm is in a sling]

Dominican Lou: Gracias. Gracias. Thank you, Colin. I’m telling you, the Kenneth Starr, oh boy! I know a lot of guys like he! I know one guy like he! His name is Wilfredo. Wilfredo is the super for 9230 Burnside Avenue across the street from me! We are only fighting because he tried to get me in trouble with my wife and my girlfriend!

Colin: I see.

Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] That’s too much!

Colin: So what is, uh, Wilfredo does to you is like what Kenneth Starr does to Clinton?

Dominican Lou: Colin. When I catch Wilfredo tryin’ to get me in trouble, I catch him and I punch him up goo’! I come bea’ he! I make him bleed ’cause I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! I hurt him all over the body! I come bea’ he!

Colin: Yeah! Speaking of fights, what happened to your arm, Dominican Lou?

Dominican Lou: Wilfredo. He bea’ me. I no bea’ him. He bea’ me. He bea’ me pretty bad. He b– He putted the crowbar in the arm. With the crowbar. He bea’ me. And that’s what I think Clinton should do to this guy, Kenneth Starr!

Colin: Clinton should break Kenneth Starr’s arm?

Dominican Lou: And that, it will send a good message. If Clinton break-a the Starr arm, Starr will know that Clinton is tough, and he will say, “Oh Clinton, don’t break my arm! Don’t break my arm! Please do not break my arm!” I needed the arm to clean the building!…He will say, “I better not talk to his wife or try to steal the toilet paper for his dad at the room, he – he’s busy!”

Colin: I see.

Dominican Lou: Look, Colin. I live in the Burnside Avenue. I keep-a the building clean! You come here to my building, there’s no mice there, there’s no crackheads in the building…there’s nine people sitting on the stoop…but you go to Wilfredo’s building, 9230…they there, they throw-a the garbage out of the window, and they always make-a the trouble!

Colin: So…

Dominican Lou: So wha’?

Colin: So…what does this have to do with the Clinton situation?

Dominican Lou: Nothing. I just no like-a the Wilfredo. I want to say something bad about him on the TV. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe the Clinton could beat up the Wilfredo instead of the Starr!

Colin: Okay, hey look–

Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] He come bea’ he!

Colin: Hey, Lou? What do you think about that thing on “Seinfeld” last Thursday when they burned the Puerto Rican flag?

Dominican Lou: I don’t care. They Puerto Rican. I Dominican.

Colin: Dominican Lou, everybody!

Dominican Lou: I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! Wilfredo, I’ll beat you! Don’t go!

Colin: Forensic tests have confirmed that remains of a body found in Berlin in 1972 are those of Martin Bormann, Hitler’s private secretary. Experts say they were finally certain when they discovered his “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug.

It appears as if the Chernobyl nuclear plant will remain open despite a promise made to close it by 1995. Community leaders are happy because the plant provides desperately needed work for the local townspeople, many of whom have children with eight mouths to feed.

Mercedes-Benz merged with Chrysler this week. The biggest transition will be for gangsta [doctored photo of gangsta rappers with Mercedes-Benz medallions] rappers, who will now have to switch to big, gold Chrysler medallions.

At the Vatican this week, a disgruntled guard lost control, shot and killed his boss and his boss’ wife. Such an outburst is now called “going papal.”

In southern Turkey, where prostitution is legal, the prostitutes are going on strike. Boy, sex with a prostitute is risky enough, but who’s gonna go out with a scab prostitute? [negative reaction] Don’t let me go into the summer like this, folks. Come on.

A new survey reveals that children as young as 10 are using steroids to enhance athletic performance. Officials became suspicious when two kids were decapitated during a dodgeball game.

Susan Carpenter McMillan has taken on a new cause: spreading California’s chemical castration penalty to other states. President Clinton was quick to point out that Washington, D.C. is not a state!

Lilith Fair, the popular all-music…all-female music festival launches its second tour on June 9th. Returning to that tour and joining us tonight is Lilith Fair’s witty folklorist, Cinder Calhoun. Please welcome Cinder Calhoun.

[pan over to Cinder]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Colin. Um, thanks a lot, man. I know last time I asked you to introduce me as a witty folklorist, but just so you know, I now consider myself more of a karmic interpreter of humus, w – humorous vibrations, so that’s just to clarify.

Colin: Right, okay. Okay. So Cinder, what have you been up to while Lilith Fair is on hiatus?

Cinder: Well, uh, I’ve been working with a small publishing house out of Berkeley on a satirical comic book about the adventures of a [exaggerated Spanish accent] Latina superhero midwife.

Colin: Sounds great.

Cinder: Yeah, and I’ve also been temping in the personnel department at Citibank, so it’s kind of…

Colin: You must have gotten some great material from that.

Cinder: Um…actually, Colin, some things are so hideously profane that it’s hard to find humor in them! Uh, case in point: a couple of days ago I was sent home from work because I wasn’t wearing pantyhose! Um…maybe I’m crazy, but why should I be forced to wear pantyhose when I’m already protected by nature’s thick, woolly coating of leg hair? And I just thought we were sort of beyond this point in our – in our…cultural development, so I wrote a pantyhose protest song [grabs her guitar] about it. I hope you find it moving. It’s, um, sort of a call to arms for all the victims of legsploitation. It’s called “Unshackle My Legs.”

[lights dim as the song begins; plays her guitar]

Ohh, ohh…
You say your corporate dress code
Will make a good impression
But your little rule is a fascist stool
It’s cotton-crotched oppression
For 40 years you kept us in
A sweaty pantyhose prison
But I’m the one who found a run
In you control decision

You’ve hired us to do a job
Let us finish what we started
We’re breaking through this nylon seal
And…stop being leotarded!

Unshackle my legs
Be they hairy or funky now
Unshackle my legs
If they’re thick and they’re chunky now

Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Sheer Energy
My enemy
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my leeeeeeeeeegggs! [cheers and applause as she holds the last word; lights come back up]

[end of song]

Colin: Cinder Calhoun, ladies and gentlemen! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Have a nice summer!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

The X-Files

The X-Files

Mulder…..David Duchovny
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Scully…..Molly Shannon
Krycek…..Nicholas Lea

[ “X-FILES” theme plays ]

[ Exterior shot of government building ] [ SUPER: “FBI HEADQUARTERS
10:47 PM” ] [ open on Mulder sitting at his desk in his office, typing on a laptop computer ]

Mulder V/O: A new ally has joined me in my fight to uncover the truth, to break the web of governmental deceit and conspiracy. This ally, who I believemay be operating at the highest level of government has up until this pointremained anonymous. tonight I will meet at last this man, who until now, Ihave known only as a husky voice on the phone, and his code name of allthings, “Deep Throat.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?

Deep Voice: It’s me, Deep Throat.

Mulder: [ opens door ] At last, the man I’ve been waiting to meet.

Janet Reno: [ enters ] Man? [ removes coat ] Take another look at this body.

Mulder: Janet Reno?

Janet Reno: Maybe. Okay, yes. Now let me help you pick your jaw up off thefloor.

Mulder: I can’t believe you’re the one sending me these messages. Thealien coverup must reach that high up.

Janet Reno: Alien coverup? What, do I have to hit you over the headwith a board? I was coming in to you!

Mulder: Are you trying to deny that your messages weren’t aboutextraterrestrial life? What about when you said you wanted to show mevideotapes of aliens?

Janet Reno: “Aliens” is one of my favorite movies. I thought you could comeover and we would watch it and have brie.

Mulder: What?

Janet Reno: I also have “Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael”.

Mulder: You also said somebody in the Justice Department wanted togive me a UFO. Now that couldn’t be more clear. It’s about UFOs.

Janet Reno: Oh, great. Then you won’t mind if you treat you to an”Unbelievably Ferocious Orgasm.”

Mulder: Come on. Uh, what about “I want to give you an opportunity toexamine an out of this world body..” – oh. Okay, now I’m starting to get it.

Janet Reno: By the way, that offer still stands. [ strokes Mulder’s face andputs hand on his thigh ]

Mulder: So, to meet me you went so far as to send me messages andtake a code name, “Deep Throat”?

Janet Reno: Code name? Hell, “Deep Throat” was my old sorority nickname.

Mulder: Janet, I have never met you before in my life. I don’tunderstand why would you pursue me like this.

Janet Reno: Oh, Mulder. [ strokes his face ] Ever since I saw you at theJustice Department picnic, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.

Mulder: That’s right, I remember seeing you there, too. You ate,like, 60 pancakes, didn’t you. Yeah, I remember that. You had a crowdchanting “Janet, Janet, Janet!”

Janet Reno: Okay, I like pancakes. Let’s move on. Ever since that day I’vekept an extensive file on you. Let’s see. [ pulls out folder ] Special AgentMulder, first name Fox. I’ll say. Height, a delicious 6-1. Weight, 185pounds of Grade A chuck. And then I just wrote “Mrs. Janet Mulder” about300 times. See?

Mulder: Yes, I see. Listen, I’m flattered, Janet, but I’m marriedto my work and plus I’m really, really into pornography.

Janet Reno: Who isn’t?

Mulder: Well, I hope there’s no hard feelings. But if you’ll excuseme, my partner Scully is about to join me.

Janet Reno: Scully! I got a file on that pouty-lipped ice queen, too. She’salways “Oh, I’m so skeptical about that. No, I’m sure there’s a reasonablescientific explanation for that.” If I ever see her, I will do my karate onher. [ does karate move ] Ow.

SCULLY: [ enters carrying file folder ] Mulder, I’m skeptical about yourconclusion, here. I’m sure there is a reasonable scientific explan – ahhhh!

Janet Reno: Ahhhh!

[ Janet Reno attacks and kicks Scully down. ]

Mulder: [ going to Scully ] Scully!

Janet Reno: [ bowing ] Thank you, Miyagi.

Mulder: Scully!

Janet Reno: She’ll be all right. Won’t be first time she’s woken up with aheadache and a few bruises. What’s that, Scully, you want mo’ stuff?

[ Janet Reno starts to attack again. Mulder steps between them. ]

Mulder: Hey, hey! Now you’ve gone too far. Get out of here!

Janet Reno: All right, but before I go….

[ Janet Reno grabs Mulder, and gives him a big kiss on lips. Mulder fallsback on desk. ]

Mulder: Oh, my god. That kiss. It feels like there is a flying saucerin my pants.

Janet Reno: Oh, yeah? Too bad Foxy, you had your chance. Anyway, I’vealready got my own sweet piece of FBI meat. Oh, Krycek.

[ Krycek enters, and makes a show of using his right hand to lift his “fake” left arm over Janet’s shoulders. ]

Krycek: Come on, Janet baby, let’s roll.

Mulder: Krycek, no!

Janet Reno: Alex is with the real FBI, the “Female Body Inspectors.”

Krycek: Yeah. Anyway, see you later, Mulder.

Mulder: I am not gonna let you steal her from me.

[ Mulder punches Krycek several times. Krycek falls. ]

Janet Reno: Big mistake, my friend. [ punches Mulder out ] Let’s go, honey.[ Krycek tries to get at Mulder. Janet Reno restrains him. ] It’s okay. It’sokay. You’re with me. [ to Scully, who’s still on the floor ] Sweet dreams,whore! And as for you, Mulder – [ to camera ] Live from New York, it’s”Saturday Night”!

Thanks to Randym of for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

The Celine Dion Show

The Celine Dion Show

Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
Shania Twain…..Molly Shannon
Mariah Carey…..Cheri Oteri
Gloria Estefan…..Matthew Broderick

Celine Dion Voiceover: Eh, I am French-Canadian, I am really skinny, and guess what: I am the best singer in the world! Welcome to my show!

Celine Dion: Okay! It’s time to bring my next guests out. They are my beautiful, best friends, from my VH-1 Diva concert! Please welcome country music sensation, Shanna Twain! Oh, Shanna! [ Shania Twain steps out ] The magnificant Mariah Carey! Mariah! [ Mariah Carey steps out ] And, the Cuban dynamo, Gloria Estefan! Gloria! [ Gloria Estefan steps out ] Oh! Oh, girl, it was so nice to have you on VH- Diva Live, when I blew the roof off the mother!

You look very good for a woman who has had a bus accident, and a boat accident!

Gloria Estefan: Thanks.

Celine Dion: Would you do me the honor of singing me one of your best song now?

Gloria Estefan: No. [ shakes head ]

Celine Dion: Please?

Gloria Estefan: no, no, no. Look, I know what you’re gonna do, okay? I’m gonna start to sing, and then you’re gonna get up and act like an ass, and drown me out.

Celine Dion: No.. Oh, no, Gloria, I won’t, I swear to my God! Please, do not deprive this lovely audience of your beautiful gift.

Gloria Estefan: [ suckered in ] Alright. [ stands and sings “Conga” ]“Come on, shake your body baby,
do the conga
I know you can’t control yourself any longer!”

[ Celine jumps in ]

Celine Dion: [ singing ]“I know you can’t control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger
Ole! Ole! Ole!”

[ stops suddenly ] Oh. Oh. Get the rhythm of the beat.

Gloria Estefan: Hey, Celine! You promised!

Celine Dion: Oh, I’m so sorry! If I wasn’t such a nice person, I’d think I was a showoff!

Gloria Estefan: You’re a freak!

Shania Twain: Yea-ah. You know, you’re crazy, Celine!

Mariah Carey: Yeah, you know what? I don’t have to take this – I’m going out with a Yankee shortshop. [ shakes her booty, and exits stage, Shania and Gloria follow ]

Celine Dion: Please! Don’t be jealous of me! [ piano music plays, lights dim ] I wasn’t always this lucky. There was a time when I had so many ear infections, the kid in the town would call me “Ugly, Retarded Girl”! But now, I am the best singer in the world. And now I will sing the best song in the world! [ stands and sings ]

“Once more, you opened the do-oo-oo-oorr!”

[ fade out ]

Note: This sketch was transcribed, by request, from the VH-1 SNL Music Anniversary Special, which was greatly edited. If anyone has this sketch on tape and could provide the rest of the dialogue, please e-mail me at Thanks!

SNL Transcripts

Flex Speed Stick

Flex Speed Stick

Man #1…..Will Ferrell
Man #2…..Chris Kattan
Man #3…..Tim Meadows

[ show various scenes of men participating in sporting activities – wrestling, mountain climbing, biking, etc. ]

Announcer: When you get active, you know you’re gonna sweat!

[ Man #1 holds up product at close-up ]

Announcer: Flex Speedstick gives you the 24-hour protection you need.

[ crude cartoon image of Flex being applied under the arm and creeping under the skin ]

In addition to powerful antiperspirants, Flex contains windstrar, cyphroderonasitate, and other performance-enhancing drugs.

[ Man #1 applies the deodorant under his arm ]

Announcer: Flex gives you an extra edge that allows you to really attack the day.

[ Man #1 tries to untwist the pedal on his bike, gets aggravated and hurls the bike across the grass ]

Announcer: It’s that extra assurance and aggression you need. Flex!

[ close-up of the evil in Man #1’s eyes – Incredible Hulk-like ] [ as Jingle plays, various scenes intercut… ] [ Man #2 tearing his clothes off as he runs in the street ] [ Man #3 misses a baseball pitch, rips off his jersey to reveal an excessively hairy chest, and attacks the pitcher with full force ] [ Man #2 stalks a deer in the woods, sneaks up on it and takes a huge bite over the shoulder and begins eating the bloody carcass ] [ Man #1 attacks a jogger, knocking him to the ground and then peeing on him to mark his territory ] [ Man #3 wrestles with a kangaroo ]

“Know that you’re the best
Stand above the rest.
Let your voice be heard! (Flex!)
Charging through the day! (Flex!)
Let your mind go blank (Flex!)
Do whatever you want. (Flex!)

No one’s gonna stop you
Take wht you desire.
The law doesn’t apply to you
When you use Flex!”

[ product is held up again at close-up ]

Announcer: Flex. Consult your physician. not available over the counter.

SNL Transcripts

The Ladies Man

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Colin Quinn
Caller #2…..Will Ferrell

[ open on title card, Leon Phelps silhoetted in the background amongst a roomful of sex paraphernalia ]

Announcer: Ooh, yeah! It’s time for.. “The Ladies Man.”

Leon Phelps: Hey, what’s happening, and welcome to “The Ladies Man”. The love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? [ audience cheers wildly ] Yes. Well, good. That is good! That is very good! I’m doin’ alright, let me see.. I for my Courvoisier here. [ holds up the bottle ] That’s right! And I’ve also got my Viagra! [ holds up the Viagra container ] Yeah! Yeah, that’s right, you heard me! Yeah, now – Viagra – that’s a new sex drug. Now, if you are uninformed about this new scientific wonder, then I will tell you that is used for a very sensitive problem that some unfortunate men must suffer with. And I’m talking, of course, about chronic fatigue syndrome of the wang. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Or, what I like to call Old Man’s Penis. Yeah! You know.. [ singing ] Old Man’s Pe-nis!

Now.. according to the doctors, now, this Viagra can help those sad men who suffer from Chronic Wangular Softitude.. um.. by producing a very highly sophisticated pharmacalogical hardifying of the wang, you see? It is all very scientific, but I am prepared to answer any questions that, uh, you many have, because I am Leon Phelps.. the Ladies Man! So.. go ahead, Caller!

Caller #1: Hi. Ladies Man? I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but.. for years now, I’ve been suffering from.. impotency.

Leon Phelps: Ye-eah.. impotency. Now.. what is that?

Caller #1: You know, the reason why people take Viagra?

Leon Phelps: Oh, yeah, then.. oh, well you suffer from Old Man’s Penis.

Caller #1: No! Well.. yeah, I guess so.

Leon Phelps: Mmm-hmm.

Caller #1: Anyway, I’m calling to ask you if you know if the drug works.

Leon Phelps: Well, Caller, uh.. the doctors all say that it works.. but, then, uh.. I have never trusted a doctor, I mean, uh.. I had one doctor tell me that I had a venereal disease, um.. but it turned out it wasn’t me who had the venereal disase. It was seven to eight of my lady friends who had it. So you can never really trust doctors.

But, Caller.. you do pose a very interesting query. Now, does Vigara work, right? Yeah, well.. I am prepared to answer that question here on “The Ladies Man”. Because I am Leon Phelps. I will take a small dose of Viagra to see if it has any effect on a 100% healthy man, such as me. And I think you know what I mean when I say 100% healthy! I think youk now what I mean! [ opens container ] Alright, let’s see here – it says “Recommended dosage: 1 tablet.” Okay. [ shakes out one tablet ] Well, what the hell – I’ll just take it all! [ shakes out all the tablets and begins to chew them ]

Mmm.. yeah! These Viagras are good! Mmmm-hmm.. [ chewing ] Tastes like chocolate. Okay.. now.. I have taken the Viagra.. and, if the doctors are correct, then this pill will work only if I am aroused. Okay? And, to arouse me tonight – I have chosen this very sexy picture of Ms. Delta Burke. [ holds up huge picture of Delta Burke ] Yeah! And, to de-arouse me – I have chosen this butt-ugly picture of Sally Jesse Raphael. [ holds up picture of Sally Jesse Raphael ] Yeah. Okay. And.. I demonstrate.

[ stares lovingly into the picture of Delta Burke ]

Oh yeah, okay, this is working! Ye-eah.. this is definitely working down below. Yeah! Yeah! I can feel that! Yeah, it’s working good! [ chuckles ] Maybe a little too good. I gotta take me some Courvoisier and cleanse the palette here. Whoo! [ sips his Courvoisier ]

Alright.. now, in contrast, I will look at this disgusting picture of Sally Jesse Raphael. Okay. [ stares disgustedly into the picture of Sally Jesse Raphael ] Okay, this is strange now.. I was expecting a little bit of softitude.. um, but, instead, I’m still aroused. [ drops the picture ] Okay, this is not good, this is not good. Uh, usually it only takes me a bottle of Courvoisier and some Lou Rawls to get excited, you know? I think that the Ladies Man is having what you might call a “bad trip”, due to these crazy wang pills, okay? How about if we take a call. Go ahead, Caller.

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man. My name is Kent Foldger. Uh, let me tell ya – the last time my wife and I made love was the day I came home from the Korean War. But, with this Viagra stuff, we’ve been going at it like dogs in heat!

Leon Phelps: [ chuckling ] Yeah! That sounds alright to me! Now, uh, how old are you?

Caller #2: Well.. I’m 76, and the little lady is 80 years old.

Leon Phelps: [ processing this information ] Yeah.. well, that’s disgusting. Um.. no, that is not good. I’m sorry. Um, but, I must say, after all those Viagra I took, it doesn’t sound that disgusting, you know! now, how is that 80-year old as on that old lady of yours?

Caller #2: It’s a hum-dinger!

Leon Phelps: [ chuckles ] Damn, that sounds good! Well, good luck, old dude! That’s nice. Okay, now I am definitely having a bad trip, because I am still thinking about those naked old people. And that ain’t good. So, if I don’t get out of here and find me a sweet, bustacious skank, I might do something disgusting that I might really regret. So, uh, to all of you out there, all I can say is: “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts