Celine Dion Voiceover: Eh, I am French-Canadian, I am really skinny, and guess what: I am the best singer in the world! Welcome to my show!
Celine Dion: Okay! It’s time to bring my next guests out. They are my beautiful, best friends, from my VH-1 Diva concert! Please welcome country music sensation, Shanna Twain! Oh, Shanna! [ Shania Twain steps out ] The magnificant Mariah Carey! Mariah! [ Mariah Carey steps out ] And, the Cuban dynamo, Gloria Estefan! Gloria! [ Gloria Estefan steps out ] Oh! Oh, girl, it was so nice to have you on VH- Diva Live, when I blew the roof off the mother!
You look very good for a woman who has had a bus accident, and a boat accident!
Gloria Estefan: Thanks.
Celine Dion: Would you do me the honor of singing me one of your best song now?
Gloria Estefan: No. [ shakes head ]
Celine Dion: Please?
Gloria Estefan: no, no, no. Look, I know what you’re gonna do, okay? I’m gonna start to sing, and then you’re gonna get up and act like an ass, and drown me out.
Celine Dion: No.. Oh, no, Gloria, I won’t, I swear to my God! Please, do not deprive this lovely audience of your beautiful gift.
Gloria Estefan: [ suckered in ] Alright. [ stands and sings “Conga” ]“Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga I know you can’t control yourself any longer!”
[ Celine jumps in ]
Celine Dion: [ singing ]“I know you can’t control yourself any longer Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger Ole! Ole! Ole!” [ stops suddenly ] Oh. Oh. Get the rhythm of the beat.
Gloria Estefan: Hey, Celine! You promised!
Celine Dion: Oh, I’m so sorry! If I wasn’t such a nice person, I’d think I was a showoff!
Gloria Estefan: You’re a freak!
Shania Twain: Yea-ah. You know, you’re crazy, Celine!
Mariah Carey: Yeah, you know what? I don’t have to take this – I’m going out with a Yankee shortshop. [ shakes her booty, and exits stage, Shania and Gloria follow ]
Celine Dion: Please! Don’t be jealous of me! [ piano music plays, lights dim ] I wasn’t always this lucky. There was a time when I had so many ear infections, the kid in the town would call me “Ugly, Retarded Girl”! But now, I am the best singer in the world. And now I will sing the best song in the world! [ stands and sings ]
“Once more, you opened the do-oo-oo-oorr!”
[ fade out ]
Note: This sketch was transcribed, by request, from the VH-1 SNL Music Anniversary Special, which was greatly edited. If anyone has this sketch on tape and could provide the rest of the dialogue, please e-mail me at email@example.com. Thanks!
Man #1…..Will Ferrell Man #2…..Chris Kattan Man #3…..Tim Meadows
[ show various scenes of men participating in sporting activities – wrestling, mountain climbing, biking, etc. ]
Announcer: When you get active, you know you’re gonna sweat!
[ Man #1 holds up product at close-up ]
Announcer: Flex Speedstick gives you the 24-hour protection you need.
[ crude cartoon image of Flex being applied under the arm and creeping under the skin ]
In addition to powerful antiperspirants, Flex contains windstrar, cyphroderonasitate, and other performance-enhancing drugs.
[ Man #1 applies the deodorant under his arm ]
Announcer: Flex gives you an extra edge that allows you to really attack the day.
[ Man #1 tries to untwist the pedal on his bike, gets aggravated and hurls the bike across the grass ]
Announcer: It’s that extra assurance and aggression you need. Flex!
[ close-up of the evil in Man #1’s eyes – Incredible Hulk-like ]
[ as Jingle plays, various scenes intercut… ]
[ Man #2 tearing his clothes off as he runs in the street ]
[ Man #3 misses a baseball pitch, rips off his jersey to reveal an excessively hairy chest, and attacks the pitcher with full force ]
[ Man #2 stalks a deer in the woods, sneaks up on it and takes a huge bite over the shoulder and begins eating the bloody carcass ]
[ Man #1 attacks a jogger, knocking him to the ground and then peeing on him to mark his territory ]
[ Man #3 wrestles with a kangaroo ]
Jingle: “Know that you’re the best Stand above the rest. Let your voice be heard! (Flex!) Charging through the day! (Flex!) Let your mind go blank (Flex!) Do whatever you want. (Flex!)
No one’s gonna stop you Take wht you desire. The law doesn’t apply to you When you use Flex!”
[ product is held up again at close-up ]
Announcer: Flex. Consult your physician. not available over the counter.
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows Caller #1…..Colin Quinn Caller #2…..Will Ferrell
[ open on title card, Leon Phelps silhoetted in the background amongst a roomful of sex paraphernalia ]
Announcer: Ooh, yeah! It’s time for.. “The Ladies Man.”
Leon Phelps: Hey, what’s happening, and welcome to “The Ladies Man”. The love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? [ audience cheers wildly ] Yes. Well, good. That is good! That is very good! I’m doin’ alright, let me see.. I for my Courvoisier here. [ holds up the bottle ] That’s right! And I’ve also got my Viagra! [ holds up the Viagra container ] Yeah! Yeah, that’s right, you heard me! Yeah, now – Viagra – that’s a new sex drug. Now, if you are uninformed about this new scientific wonder, then I will tell you that is used for a very sensitive problem that some unfortunate men must suffer with. And I’m talking, of course, about chronic fatigue syndrome of the wang. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Or, what I like to call Old Man’s Penis. Yeah! You know.. [ singing ] Old Man’s Pe-nis!
Now.. according to the doctors, now, this Viagra can help those sad men who suffer from Chronic Wangular Softitude.. um.. by producing a very highly sophisticated pharmacalogical hardifying of the wang, you see? It is all very scientific, but I am prepared to answer any questions that, uh, you many have, because I am Leon Phelps.. the Ladies Man! So.. go ahead, Caller!
Caller #1: Hi. Ladies Man? I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but.. for years now, I’ve been suffering from.. impotency.
Leon Phelps: Ye-eah.. impotency. Now.. what is that?
Caller #1: You know, the reason why people take Viagra?
Leon Phelps: Oh, yeah, then.. oh, well you suffer from Old Man’s Penis.
Caller #1: No! Well.. yeah, I guess so.
Leon Phelps: Mmm-hmm.
Caller #1: Anyway, I’m calling to ask you if you know if the drug works.
Leon Phelps: Well, Caller, uh.. the doctors all say that it works.. but, then, uh.. I have never trusted a doctor, I mean, uh.. I had one doctor tell me that I had a venereal disease, um.. but it turned out it wasn’t me who had the venereal disase. It was seven to eight of my lady friends who had it. So you can never really trust doctors.
But, Caller.. you do pose a very interesting query. Now, does Vigara work, right? Yeah, well.. I am prepared to answer that question here on “The Ladies Man”. Because I am Leon Phelps. I will take a small dose of Viagra to see if it has any effect on a 100% healthy man, such as me. And I think you know what I mean when I say 100% healthy! I think youk now what I mean! [ opens container ] Alright, let’s see here – it says “Recommended dosage: 1 tablet.” Okay. [ shakes out one tablet ] Well, what the hell – I’ll just take it all! [ shakes out all the tablets and begins to chew them ]
Mmm.. yeah! These Viagras are good! Mmmm-hmm.. [ chewing ] Tastes like chocolate. Okay.. now.. I have taken the Viagra.. and, if the doctors are correct, then this pill will work only if I am aroused. Okay? And, to arouse me tonight – I have chosen this very sexy picture of Ms. Delta Burke. [ holds up huge picture of Delta Burke ] Yeah! And, to de-arouse me – I have chosen this butt-ugly picture of Sally Jesse Raphael. [ holds up picture of Sally Jesse Raphael ] Yeah. Okay. And.. I demonstrate.
[ stares lovingly into the picture of Delta Burke ]
Oh yeah, okay, this is working! Ye-eah.. this is definitely working down below. Yeah! Yeah! I can feel that! Yeah, it’s working good! [ chuckles ] Maybe a little too good. I gotta take me some Courvoisier and cleanse the palette here. Whoo! [ sips his Courvoisier ]
Alright.. now, in contrast, I will look at this disgusting picture of Sally Jesse Raphael. Okay. [ stares disgustedly into the picture of Sally Jesse Raphael ] Okay, this is strange now.. I was expecting a little bit of softitude.. um, but, instead, I’m still aroused. [ drops the picture ] Okay, this is not good, this is not good. Uh, usually it only takes me a bottle of Courvoisier and some Lou Rawls to get excited, you know? I think that the Ladies Man is having what you might call a “bad trip”, due to these crazy wang pills, okay? How about if we take a call. Go ahead, Caller.
Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man. My name is Kent Foldger. Uh, let me tell ya – the last time my wife and I made love was the day I came home from the Korean War. But, with this Viagra stuff, we’ve been going at it like dogs in heat!
Leon Phelps: [ chuckling ] Yeah! That sounds alright to me! Now, uh, how old are you?
Caller #2: Well.. I’m 76, and the little lady is 80 years old.
Leon Phelps: [ processing this information ] Yeah.. well, that’s disgusting. Um.. no, that is not good. I’m sorry. Um, but, I must say, after all those Viagra I took, it doesn’t sound that disgusting, you know! now, how is that 80-year old as on that old lady of yours?
Caller #2: It’s a hum-dinger!
Leon Phelps: [ chuckles ] Damn, that sounds good! Well, good luck, old dude! That’s nice. Okay, now I am definitely having a bad trip, because I am still thinking about those naked old people. And that ain’t good. So, if I don’t get out of here and find me a sweet, bustacious skank, I might do something disgusting that I might really regret. So, uh, to all of you out there, all I can say is: “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night!“
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ohh ho! Thank you, folks! Thank alle! Thank ah! I’m Colin Quinn.
Okay, now I’ve been thinking about Clinton all week. Did you see the press conference on Thursday or Wednesday, whenever? He said that even though he has the power to fire Kenneth Starr, he won’t do it because he doesn’t want to abuse his power as President. Now do think that’s noble? Bill! They’re attacking your friends–stand up and do something! People want to see movie stars live in mansions, people want to see rock stars get laid, and people want to see the President destroy people that mess with him! It’s executive privilege! It’s one of the perks. It’s like stealing from work. If you work in a bakery, you take home a couple of loaves of bread every once in a while. If you work on Wall Street, they claim a night of drinking and going to strip clubs as a business expense. They go to the guy in accounting, “Hey, I never got reimbursed for that half a gram I did with the guy from Microsoft,” you know? Everybody here steals. You know, at our office, we take bottles of, uh, Poland Spring Water, or we make the show pay for movies and CDs for “research” for a sketch that just happens to end up in our personal collection. Is it moral? Maybe not. Is it stealing from Lorne? He can afford it. All right? I’ve stolen from him. He knows we steal from him, he’s the boss. He sees me, “Hi, Lorne.” “Hi, Colin.” He knows it’s the game. I think he knows. I hope he knows. I was just kidding, anyway. I wouldn’t really…steal. I was gonna write a sketch about that Clapton box set, I swear. The point is, President Clinton, people respe – don’t respect that you won’t fight back. Did you ever get beat up as a kid, Bill? Did the bully ever stop because you wouldn’t fight back? Have you noticed we never had an Amish president? Why do you think that is?
All right, this week, Koko, a gorilla who understands sign language, answered questions on America Online. When asked if she liked bananas, Koko replied, “Hey, that’s real funny. It’s too bad you’re not here so I could rip your arms off.”
A new study has revealed that people who exercise regularly throughout their life are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s Disease. That means that someday Joe Piscopo might be the only person who remembers who he was.
Monica Lewinsky and her attorney, William Ginsburg, were turned away from L.A.’s posh Palm Restaurant because they didn’t have reservations. Monica was overheard to say, “Hey, who do you have to blow to get a table around here?” [cheers and applause]…Aah! Come on, folks! Ah!
This week, the state of Israel celebrated its 50th birthday. Apparently it went out to dinner at a place where the service is terrible, had the fish that was too salty, and got stuck at the table under the air conditioning.
This week, Palestinian officials announced that a new airport on the Gaza Strip will be named as the guy who used to blow up airports, Yasser Arafat. That’s kinda like putting the Unabomber on a postage stamp. [applause and cheers]
Now, James Earl Ray’s family wants to hold his funeral at a black church in Memphis, Tennessee, the city where Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed. Meanwhile, Sirhan Sirhan has requested to serve out the remainder of his sentence at the Kennedy compound.
Lenoria Walker, Houston’s director of affirmative action, has resigned after referring to a city councilman as a midget, instead of using the correct term, which is “dwarf.” Said Walker, “I guess I have a lot to learn about sensitivity. So it’s…hi-ho, hi-ho, away from work I go.”
Moammar Qaddafi’s new book, Escape to Hell and Other Stories was released in America this week. This is expected to do even better than the last book by a Middle Eastern strongman, Saddam Hussein’s All I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned by Gassing My Own People.
It’s been reported that supermodel Claudia Schiffer is worth over 34 million dollars. Commenting on this, Schiffer said, “Wow, really? Now even I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with David Copperfield.” [some applause]
And in response to reports that the guests on “The Jerry Springer Show” are fake, a defensive Springer points out that the millions of idiots who watch “The Jerry Springer Show” are real.
I’m Colin Quinn, that is my story, and I’m sticking to it! Thank you! Thank you.
[open on crowded North African marketplace, with a man cooking chicken in a pot]
Husband: [voice over] We planned and saved for our trip to North Africa for almost two years. [husband and wife walk together in marketplace]
[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]
Wife: It was supposed to be our dream vacation, but it almost turned into a nightmare.
Husband: Someone stole our traveler’s checks.
[dissolve to marketplace, with husband and wife checking their pockets and bags]
Wife: I never thought it could happen to us. We didn’t know what to do.
[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of curtain]
Husband: Fortunately, we had Interbank Travelers’s Checks. And Interbank does more than just refund your money.
Wife: That’s because Interbank vows [dissolve to marketplace, with black jeep pulling up and thief fleeing from the scene] to find out who stole your checks and hunt them down like animals.
[dissolve to close-up of husband sitting in front of curtain]
Husband: Like filthy, dirty animals. That’s the Interbank difference. [dissolve to marketplace, with armed men pursuing the thief, discarging their weapons, pinning thief to the ground, and dragging him away] See, I don’t care how Interbank’s secret police get things done. I just care that they get things done. For us.
Wife: And that gives me peace of mind.
Husband: Peace of mind that lets us relax and enjoy our vacation.
[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]
Wife: Plus, because we’d enrolled in their Premiere Membership program, [dissolve to ramshackle shelter, with armed men breaking down door] Interbank also hunted down friends and relatives of the guy who had stolen our money, dragged them from their beds in the middle of the night, and set fire to their homes. [armed men drag several sleeping people from bed and set fire to the shelter]
[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]
Husband: Sure, some of Interbank’s methods aren’t exactly legal… [dissolve to a man (possibly thief), bound in a chair and with a white hood pulled over his head, while one man prepares electrodes and a control box while another man hits the bound man on the back of the head] [dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain] …but, thanks, Interbank.
[a man dressed like the armed Interbank agents enters the shot and is seen only from the neck down as he places his left hand ominously on the wife’s shoulder]
[dissolve to black screen with spinning orange Earth graphic, which freezes as a black-gloved hand curves around the globe and clamps onto it with a secure “clang” sound, and a yellow rectangle appears with red lettering: “Interbank”]
[voice over: “Interbank Traveler’s Checks. Security. Confidence. Payback.”]
Alex Trebek…..Wil Ferrell Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Minnie Driver…..Molly Shannon Jeff Goldblum…..David Duchovny
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”! We’ve got quite a contest going on here, lets take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in second place with -$6,500..
Sean Connery: Only on accountability!
Alex Trebek: Great. Uh.. Minnie Dryver is in first with a commanding score of 0.
Minnie Driver: [ repeatedly presses buzzer until it beeps ] Umm.. what is history?
Alex Trebek: We haven’t started playing yet! And finally, JeffGoldblum, with an incredible -$17,800.
Jeff Goldblum: [ gestures to the audience and blows a kiss ] Well.. uh, yes.. I suppose I do.
Alex Trebek: Better luck to all of you, in the next round. It’s time for Double Jeopardy, let’s take a look at the board. And the categories are: “Potent Potables”, “Literature”.. which is just a big word for books.. “Therapists”, “Current U.S. Presidents”, “Show and Tell”, “Household Objects”, and finally, “One-Letter Words”. Anyway, Jeff Goldblum, you are in third place, so the board is yours.
Jeff Goldblum: Well.. uh, this is.. uh, Jeopardy.. Seeing as there are.. uh.. one, two, three, four, five. six.. ahh ..seven.. uh, seven different catagories..
Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] Right, Mr. Connery. why don’t you pick?
Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I’ll take “TheRapists” for $200.
Alex Trebek: That’s “Therapists.” That’s “Therapists,” not “TheRapists.” Let’s skip “Therapists” and try “Household Objects”, for $400. And the answer is, “You usually drink water out of one of these.” [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: A leather glove!
Alex Trebek: No. [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: A toilet!
Alex Trebek: That is awful. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum: [ marvels at the buzzer until time runs out ]
Alex Trebek: And you’re an idiot! The answer was “a glass.”
Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!
Alex Trebek: [ hesitant ] Technically, it’s still Mr. Goldblum’sboard, but since he’s a human wasteland, I’ll let Mr. Connery pick again.
Sean Connery: Ohhhh, I’ll play your game, you rogue! Let’s try”The Rapists” for $20.
Alex Trebek: How about “Show and Tell” for $600? I’ll just show you an object, and you’ll tell me what it is, okay?
Sean Connery: It’s a man with a mustache!
Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven’t shown it to you yet. Here it is. [ holds up a hammer ] Name this object! [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: It’s a popsicle!
Alex Trebek. No. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum, name this object.
Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That’s a..uh.. a what-do-you-call-it when you.. umm.. When you… when you punish criminals in.. uh.. days of yore. It was a.. And you’d put them in the.. uh.. the square in those.. you know.. uh..
Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?
Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly! [ timer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: It’s a freaking hammer!
Jeff Goldblum: Well, of course it is!
Sean Connery: Now, listen to me! You back off, Trebek! You wouldn’t have known that if you didn’t have that card in front of you! [ to Goldblum ] This guy reads from a card!
Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let’s move on to “Current U.S. Presidents”, for $400. And the answer is: “He is the current U.S. President.” [ no responses, so more clue is revealed ] “He has white hair, and you’ve probably seen him in the news..” “..His first name is ‘Bill’..” [ no responses ] “..Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently..” “..His last name is Clinton!..” “..His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, ‘Who is Bill Clinton?’.” [ still no responses ] Someone just say it! Anyone. [ timer sounds ] ..And the show has reached a new low.
Sean Connery: And I’m the cock of the walk!
Alex Trebek: Alright, let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. And the category is: “Letters of the Alphabet.” All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, “A” or “G”. [ “Final Jeopardy Theme” plays, as the contestants write furiously ] There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. [ pan across contestants to Jeff Goldblum waving his arms around in slow strides ] Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there.. [ time runs out ] Okay, for the sake of tradition, let’s take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: [ picture of a large hand giving “The Finger” appears ] Okay, that is definitely not a letter.
Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!!
Alex Trebek: Beautiful. Just beautiful. Minnie Driver, let’s see what you wrote. [ screen reveals a drawing of an eye ] You drew a picture of an eye.
Minnie Driver: Well, “I” is a letter isn’t it?
Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded? Let’s go to Jeff Goldblum, who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Let’s see what your answer was. [ screen reveals a huge number 2 ] The number 2.
Jeff Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah.. the letter 2, my friend!
Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.
Jeff Goldblum: I, uh.. I can’t read or write.
Alex Trebek: Good for you. Well, as always, three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money, here on “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’m Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Good night!