SNL Transcripts: Sylvester Stallone: 09/27/97


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

September 27th, 1997

Sylvester Stallone

Jamiroquai

None

Richard Jewell
OprahSummary: Marv Albert (Norm MacDonald) discusses his bizarre sexual fetishes with Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Marc Albert, Mike Tyson.

Transcript

Montage

Sylvester Stallone’s MonologueSummary: Rocky’s fight mananger, Mickey (Jim Breuer), helps Sylvester Stallone prepare to do a monologue befitting of a champ.

Recurring Characters: Mr. T.

Bio: Sylvester Stallone (1946-). Actor/director/producer/screenwriter; wrote and starred in the 1976 Academy Award winning Best Picture, “Rocky”, which has spawned five sequels; also starred in the Rambo film series, beginning with “First Blood” (1982); a shareholder of the Planet Hollywood restaurant franchise.

Xerox Assjet 790Summary: The printer that perfects ass duplication every time.

Rita’s New CarSummary: Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) is thrilled about the new Cadillac her husband Vinnie (Sylvester Stallone) just bought, until she finds out her neighbor Janelle (Molly Shannon) got the first ride before her.

Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio.

Transcript

Car AccidentSummary: After witnessing a horrific automobile accident, Sylvester Stallone attempts to comfort the dying victim (Norm MacDonald) who keeps badmouthing all of his movies.

Transcript

The Roxbury GuysSummary: Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) take Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) club-hopping, where they learn that the nimble boxer doesn’t know how to dance.

Recurring Characters: Steve Butabi, Doug Butabi.

Transcript

Reno’s InvestigationSummary: Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) takes a sock in the chest from Richard Jewell.

Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton.

TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel has “Fun With Real Audio” by giving Humphrey Bogart problems with flatulence during outtakes from “Casablanca.”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) sings “Sausage of Pain.” Norm MacDonald interrogates wrongly-accused Olympic Park bomber suspect, Richard Jewell.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

Transcript

Jamiroquai performs “Alright”Summary: As Sylvester Stallone introduces the night’s musical guest, a riled-up Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) demands to know why he wasn’t ask to co-star in “Copland” with the other Martin Scorcese regulars.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci.

Bio: English acid jazz/funk/soul band; members: Jason Kay, Derrick McKenzie, Sola Akingbola, Toby Smith, Wallis Buchanan, Simon Katz, Stuart Zender, DJ D-Zire – Turntables, John Thirkell.

Orange JuliusSummary: A demented computer salesman (Sylvester Stallone) longs for the days when the building was still an Orange Julius.

Transcript

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey reflects on a mosquito trying to suck blood from a mummy.

Transcript

Planet HollywoodSummary: Two of Sylvester Stallone’s biggest fans (Tracy Morgan, Jim Breuer) bother him at the opening of the newest Planet Hollywood.

Transcript

Lou’s Lovely DaughtersSummary: Aging dad, Lou (Sylvester Stallone), uses a cable access show in his desperate attempt to find husbands for his less-than-appealing adult daughters.

Recurring Characters: Francesca, Maria, Josephine.

Transcript

More Songs I Rewrote To Honor Dead PeopleSummary: Elton John (Will Ferrell) has retooled “Candle in the Wind” in honor of Princess Di, but that’s just the beginning of his self-plagierism.

Recurring Characters: Elton John.

Note: This sketch had to be cut off early because the show was running long. It aired in full a few weeks later, when it was edited into a repeat of an episode hosted by Rob Lowe from the previous season. Incidentally, that repeat had previously been interrupted by the news of Princess Di’s death, and the same edited rebroadcast resurfaced during a Classic SNL airing years later.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Matthew Perry: 10/04/97: The Ladies Man


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2



97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Molly Shannon
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Cheri Oteri
Martell…..Tracy Morgan
Caller #4…..Colin Quinn

Leon Phelps: I am Leon Phelps, and how y’all doing tonight? I am ready for the show, I’ve got some Courvoisier cognac, and my scented candles, and I’m ready to take your calls, so, uh, just dial the number that you see flashing below there, and you can talk to me, Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Alright. Go ahead, caller.

Caller #1: Hi. Is this The Ladies Man?

Leon Phelps: It’s a lady!

Caller #1: Yeah, uh, I got really drunk, and I had unprotected sex with this guy I met at a bar last night.

Leon Phelps: Well, that sounds alright.

Caller #1: No. I’m really scared. I mean, what if I get a disease?

Leon Phelps: Well, it’s cool, because, uh, you know, I have been with many fine ladies, and, uh, many of them were very skanky, and, consequently, The Ladies Man has had a few diseases. But I have rebounded every time. That’s why they call me The Ladies Man. So, Caller, never look back, and practice safe intercourse, okay? Alright, next caller?

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but..

Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!

Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes. There are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh.. may I suggest you consider the butt?

Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to takesuggestion ]

Leon Phelps: Hello? Alright, then, I’m going to take a sip off this Courvoisier, ’cause it’s getting chilly in here. [ sips Courvoisier ] Alright, then, next caller, go ahead. This is The Ladies Man.

Caller #3: Hello, Ladies Man.

Leon Phelps: Hey, it’s a lady! How you feeling tonight, lady?

Caller #3: Well, not so good. I’m having some problems with my self-esteem.

Leon Phelps: Your self-esteem. Yeah. Now, what is that?

Caller #3: Well.. I don’t feel good about myself.

Leon Phelps: Oh no, now, that’s not good. Uh, why do you feel that way?

Caller #3: Well, I have a bit of a weight problem, and it’s hard, you know, to meet guys.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, yeah, well, The Ladies Man is here to help you. Um.. so tell me, uh, how fat are you?

Caller #3: I’m like, 210.

Leon Phelps: Now, that is big. Um, I was not expecting you to say anything over 200 pounds. Uh, I was basically expecting, like, 130, 135.. yeah, you are a big woman. Um, my advice to you is to, uh, avoid any type of food product that your neighborhood supermarket might try to sell you. [tips glass] But here’s to you, Fat Lady. The Ladies Man loves you, but not in any type of sexual, or love-type way. [laughing] I see my stage manager Martell finds the plight of that last call amusing.

Martell: Hey, yo, Leon, whatchoo doing after the show tonight, man? You going to the club?

Leon Phelps: No, no, no, no. I’ve got some plans, man.

Martell: So, whatchoo gonna be doing then, bro?

Leon Phelps: Well, um, I don’t want to get into the particulars, um.. but I know that a bottle of Courvoisier and a lady will definitely be involved, you know what I mean?

Martell: Right on, then!

Leon Phelps: Yeah. Okay, next caller, go ahead. You got The Ladies Man.

Caller #4: Yeah, hi, Ladies Man. Sometimes when I’m in the shower at the gym, with a bunch of guys, I get aroused. Is that normal?

Leon Phelps: Yes, basically, that is a normal response. It’s natural to have those kind of feelings, but, uh, what I want to know is, uh, how a fine lady like yourself could have such a deep voice?

Caller #4: I’m a man.

Leon Phelps: Well, the first thing I would tell you is to keep that secret to yourself, you know? Um, that is something that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life, and you can never tell. Thank you, Caller. Uh, listen, at this point, I feel that I should say to my viewers that, uh, The Ladies Man does not want any more calls like that. Okay? Because those calls, they disturb The Ladies Man, okay? Thanks very much. Well, I can tell by the empty bottle of Courvoisier that it is time to say goodnight. So, uh, look out, ladies, ’cause here comes Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man!

SNL Transcripts