Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
Sylvester Stallone: Okay! Thanks to Richard Jewell and Jamiroquai! To my beautiful wife and Sophia: I’ll be home soon! [ blows the audience a kiss ] Bye!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
[ Open on interior, computer store ]
Customer: I run a small business out of my home, and I’m looking for a personal computer with a Pentium Processor.
Leon: Well, this computer over here really kicks ass. So, will that be cash or charge?
Customer: Th-this is nice, but it doesn’t have a Pentium Processor.
Leon: No, but you got to ask yourself, in 1997, who really needs one of those Pa-sonium Pa-cess-isers?
Customer: Pentium Processors. And, yes, I do.
Leon: Yeah, but this computer isboss! [ mumbles ]
Customer: It may be boss, but I need a Pentium Processor. Do you even know what one is?
Leon: Well.. I-I worked in this store since it was an Orange Julius, so.. no, I don’t..
Customer: Well.. can I talk to someone who does know?
Leon: Sure, I’ll get someone.. [ he walks to a back room, then resurfaces a moment later ] No one knows.
Customer: No one in the store knows what a Pentium Processor is??
Leon: No, no. As a matter of fact, I asked a lot of people. In fact, Doug the manager told me that you’re probably a crazy street person coming off the street, just talking gibberish words.
Customer: Pentium Processor isn’t gibberish! Anyone who works in a computer store should know that!
Leon: Are you calling Doug, my manager, a liar?
Customer: This.. this is ridiculous!
Leon: I’ll tell you what is ridiculous. I’ll tell you – you know, in this day and age, for a crazy guy to come in this store asking for a Kryptonite Processor-izer.
Wallace: [ entering the scene ] I’m sorry.. is there a problem here?
Customer: Yes, there is. Are you Doug, the manager?
Wallace: Uh, there’s no Doug working here. I’m Wallace.
Customer: [ confused ] Okay, well.. this guy told me you don’t have Pentium Processors.
Wallace: [ pointing forward ] Well, here’s one right here.
Customer: [ relieved ] Thank you!
Wallace: Sure. Pleasure to help. You got this one there, Leon?
Leon: No problem, Doug! [ Wallace exits to back of store ]
Customer: His name’s Wallace!
Leon: No, I forget sometimes.. you see, my old manager at the Orange Julius is named Doug, and, uh.. anyway, I think I should tell you, the.. uh.. computer you’re looking at is for gays.
Leon: Gays, gays, gays, gays.. [ looking around the store ] You know what you want? You want one of these computers over here where the food comes out of, you know? It’s right here.. [ points to a vending machine ] This is a “Star Trek” computer..
Customer: That’s.. that’s a vending machine..
Leon: No, no, no.. it’s a very tricky computer. If you push A-1, these chips come out like that. But you have to be very smart to operate it, because.. uh.. you have to be kind of like Captain Clark.
Customer: You mean, Captain Kirk.
Leon: [ thinking about it ] Clark. Captain Clark. [ pause ] Do you want an Orange Julius?
Customer: [ upset, looking around frantically ] Can we get Wallace back in here?!
Wallace: [ walking back in ] There you are! Is everything alright?
Leon: [ smiling, pointing to vending machine ] He wants to buy this computer.
Wallace: I’m sorry, Sir. That’s not a computer, that’s a vending machine.
Customer: I don’t want to buy the vending machine.
Leon: Aw, but, come on, can’t we make him a special deal, or something? This is a good one..
Wallace: Well.. I guess we can call the manufacturer..
Customer: [ furious ] No! I don’t want to buy that!
Wallace: I’m terribly sorry, Sir. Was there a problem with this computer here? [ acknowledges the one he pointed out earlier ]
Customer: He said it was for gays!
Wallace: [ thinking how to remedy the situation ] You’re doing a great job, Leon! [ pulls customer aside, as Leon exits to back room ] Can I talk to you over here for a second, Sir?
Customer: What is this guy’s problem?
Wallace: Look.. uh.. that’s Leon. He’s a good guy. He used to work at the Orange Julius that was here before..
Customer: Yeah.. he told me..
Wallace: Well, when they closed the Orange Julius, he wouldn’t leave. So, the day we moved in, we found him sleeping in the back on the floor. He stood up with a cup of nails and said, “Uh, do you want to buy a cup of Orange Julius?”
Customer: [ shocked ] Oh, my God..
Wallace: Yeah.. so, just do the guy a favor – buy the vending machine.
Customer: What?! No! I’m not..
Wallace: Look, it’s not that much money. It’s, like, $3,900.
Leon: [ walking back in ] Doug? Doug? I just got the paperwork started for this Star Trek Potato Chip machine computer..
Wallace: [ encouraging ] Alright! Good job, Leon! Will that be cash or charge, sir?
Customer: [ angry ] I’m not buying the vending machine!
Leon: Look, Mister, you seem nice, but.. the truth is, I don’t, I don’t got much, you know? [ piano music over background ] A couple years ago.. I was working.. at Julius, and I was a bigshot! I really was. But then they shut us down.. and I tried to open my own Orange Julius, but everyone got sick, really sick, and some died and everything. But.. I don’t know.. maybe I’m just not a lucky guy.. and, and, and, and.. maybe, a guy like me doesn’t deserve anything like that..
Customer: No, Leon. You’re a wonderful man. With a big heart. And I think today’s your lucky day. Because, I’m Samuel K. Julius, grandson of the founder of Orange Julius.
Leon: [ excited ] YOU ARE?!!
Customer: Yes, I am. And I think you’re just the man to head up our brand new European division. How does that sound, Leon? Would you like to sell Orange Juliuses in Germany?
Leon: WOULD I EVER!! [ hugs customer ] [ cut to Leon working counter of Orange Julius in Germany ]
Leon: [ Says “Welcome to Orange Julius” in German ] It’s a dream come true!!