Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
Mike Golord…..Will Ferrell
Sissy Golord…..Ana Gasteyer
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Fake Bill Clinton
[Opens with the Seal of the President of the UnitedStates. Bill Clinton is addressing the nation from theOval Office]
Announcer: And now a message from the President of theUnited States.
President Bill Clinton: My fellow Americans. Lately thisadministration has come under attack for acceptingcampaign contributions from foreigners. I’m here tosay there’s no truth behind this allegations andfurthermore my….[Helicopter roars, two guys storm through the windowsbehind Clinton and open machine gunfire in alldirections]
President Bill Clinton: HOLY…!!![They hook Clinton up and helicopter carries him outof the Oval Office along with the two gunmen]
Man: THEY’VE KIDNAPPED THE PRESIDENT!!! OH!,OH!,OH!
From a secret sattelite,
comes a gang that’s outta sight.
Captain Golord and his team,
they will fight out evil schemes,
helping save the earth below,
they are always on the go!
GOLORDS! GOLORDS! GOOOO!!!!
Announcer: The Golords.[Sattelite in space, cut into it. Mike and Sissy intheir blue uniforms are sittting down while Doc in hislab coat and big glasses read a printout message]
Doc: Mike, Sissy, we’re getting an emergency message.Our sources have located the President!
Sissy: Where’s he at, Doc?
Doc: It says here that the culprits are holding thePresident in a brothel outside of Hong Kong.[Mike is watching a Penthouse centerfold]
Mike: Let’s go![Caption: Hong Kong. Oriental music. City at night.Mike and Sissy are in front of a whorehouse, dooropens]
Madame Wong: Welcome to Madame Wong’s whorehouse! MikeGolord? Back so soon?
Mike:[Speaks chinese. Subtitled:Madame Wong, this ismy sister, so be cool with the “Mike Golord”stuff.]Hello, stranger. Have you seen this man aroundhere?[Holds up photo of Bill Clinton]
Madame Wong: Uh, how about a quicky?
Mike: Sissy, wait here. I think Madame Wong may knowsomething.[Madame Wong and Mike walk into a red lighted room,door closes. Door opens in one second, Madame Wong isnaked on the bed, Mike walks out]
Mike: Thanks, Wong.
Sissy: What did you find out Mike?
Mike: Not a thing. Let’s go to another whorehouse.[Madame Wong attacks Mike with a knife]
Sissy: Mike, look out![Bang! bang!, bang! bang! Sissy shoots Madame Wong inthe face 4 times]
Mike: Thanks, Sissy. That was close. Let’s take a lookaround the rest of this place.[Bang! Sissy shoots Wong one more time just to besure.] [Cut to President Clinton tied to a chair in awarehouse. Chung and his hitman are next to Clinton]
President Bill Clinton: I’ll tell you what. When my govermenthear about this there’s gonna be hell to pay.
Chung: Silence![Slaps Clinton in the face]
President Bill Clinton: [whimpering] Don’t hit me!
Chung’s Hitman: Silence![Another slap in the face of Clinton]
President Bill Clinton: The security codes are Delta, Alpha,Zebra….
Chung: Please, shut up. We are not interested incodes. Our top genetics scientists have been workingaround the clock to perfect this, our own PresidentBill Clinton.[Chung takes hood off another guy tied to a chair thatlooks just like Clinton only that the white hair isuncombed]
President Bill Clinton: He looks just like me!
Fake Bill Clinton: I build bridges to 21st century.
Chung: It’s perfect. We don’t need to make campaigncontributions any longer. Now our President will makea new American policy and no one can stop us![Mike and Sissy burst through the door]
Mike: Hold it right there, Chung!
Sissy: Two completely identical Presidents. How can wetell them apart?
President Bill Clinton: It’s me!!
Fake Bill Clinton: Hey, I’m the guy!
Sissy: What do we do, Mike?
Mike: I’ve got it![Shows fake Bill Clinton a photo of Paula Jones]
Mike: Do you find this lady sexy?
Fake Bill Clinton: Oh, no. She not sexy. She make mesick.[throws up]
President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah![His horniness makeshis head spin wildly]
Mike: Suck on this![Mike shoots fake Bill Clinton in the forehead. Hisbrains splash into the wall]
Chung: Stop them!
Sissy: Hyah! Take that![Sissy punches Chung’s hitman in the chest and ripsout his still beating heart]
President Bill Clinton: Good Lord!
Sissy: Put this in your pipe and smoke it![Sissy knife in hand goes over to Chung and chops hishead clean off, head rolls around on the floor] [Back in the Oval Office]
President Bill Clinton: This country owes you Golords a greatdebt that can never be repaid.
Mike: No need Mr. President. I just hope you’velearned taking illegal contributions from foreignersis dangerous. It’s more safer and patriotic to letAmerican corporations to buy off our politicians.[Bill Clinton fondles Sissy’s right breast]
President Bill Clinton: I couldn’t agree more. That is whytomorrow I’m gonna get started on tough new campaignfinance reform.[Dishonest giggling from Clinton, Mike and Sissy joinin the giggling]
Announcer: GOLORDS!! GOLORDS!! GOOOO!!!!
The Golords logo.[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel