SNL Transcripts: Matthew Perry: 10/04/97: Cookie Dough Sport

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Cookie Dough Sport

[ Music Over: “Love Hurts”, Nazareth ] [ rapid-fire scenes of athletes playing a series of intense sports ]

Announcer: Cookie Dough Sport. Cookie dough right when you need it most. So get on your feet, get in the game, and get the dough. Cookie Dough Sport.

Cookie Dough Sport. Be the dough.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Matthew Perry: 10/04/97: Friends

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis


Rachel….Cheri Oteri
Pheobe….Ana Gasteyer
Ross……Chris Kattan
Chandler….Colin Quinn
Joey…….Matthew Perry
Monica…..Molly Shannon

[open in the Friends apartment, with Rachel and Pheobe watching TV]

Rachel: Oh my God, this show is so stupid, Pheobes. I mean, it’s just tapes of cats falling off things and men getting hit in the crotch!

Pheobe: Um, okay, I love this show, Rache.

Rachel: You would. Look, Pheobes, I have something to tell you.

[Rachel turns off TV]

Pheobe: Wow, that sounds really like [imitating trumpet herald] announcement!

Rachel: It kind of is. I met someone, Pheobes. A guy. I think this whole Ross and me thing is, like, over.

Pheobe: Um, congratulations, I think. Wow.

[Monica and Ross enter]

Monica: You know, Ross, you totally offended me when you didn’t eat any of my quiche a la Monica. I mean, hello? I spent all day making it.

Ross: Well, I would’ve spent all night throwing it up.

[Ross sees Rachel]

Ross: Oh, hi, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey, I thought you were gonna call me. I spent all weekend beside the phone, in a fetal position. Moaning. A lot.

Rachel: Oh, Ross. There’s kind of a reason why I didn’t call.

Ross: Well, I was really hoping you would, Rache, cause I just wanted to ask you…will you marry me?

[Everyone looks shocked while Joey enters]

Joey: Hey, yo. You guys wanna go shoot some pool or something?

Monica: Joey, shut up! Ross just totally popped the question!

Joey: Ho ho! What question!

Monica: Hello? THE question? The BIG one? HELLO?

Joey: Ho ho! …what question?

[Chandler enters. While everyone up to this point has been imitating the Friends characters relatively accurately, Colin Quinn portrays Chandler as EXTREMELY effeminate]

Colin: Oh! What a HORRID day I’ve had!

[Matthew Perry looks puzzled, but tries to maintain his Joey impression]

Monica: Hi, Chandler.

Pheobe: Um, hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh my STARS, it’s a wonder I didn’t simply faint dead away! Heavens to Betsy!

Ross: I – I know this is sudden, Rachel, but there’s – there’s still this thing between us, you know, there’s kind of this thing, that, you know, it’s a good thing!

Rachel: Oh, Ross! Ross, marriage is such a big step!

Chandler: Marriage!? Marriage, my word, you mustn’t! My dear girl, you’ll be ruined, RUINED!

Pheobe: Um, okay, Chandler, I think you’re being, like, really negative right now. Like, marriage rules!

Monica: I know! I mean, marriage! Hello?! HELLO!?

Ross: Look, Rache, I still love you, I really do! Joey, tell her how much I talk about her!

Chandler: Heavens, yes, Joey, do tell, do tell!

[Matthew Perry stares at Colin Quinn in confusion. He’s clearly thinking about Colin now and not the sketch]

Joey: Well, yeah…you know…Ross says things…about…Rachel.

Ross: See?!?

Chandler: Oh, bother, you’re all prattling away while I stand here half dead from thirst. I simply shall perish without a glass of buttermilk!

[Colin moves to the fridge, walking very effeminately. Matthew Perry follows him]

Joey: Hey, hold on a sec there, Chandler. You’re, uh, kinda out of character today, not your usual smart-alecky self. Is something wrong?

Chandler: Why, heavens, no, dear boy! I’m Chandler Bing, raconteur and sassy man-about-town! Now would you be a love and fetch me my shawl?

Matthew Perry [breaks character completely, addresses Colin directly] Alright, Colin, cut it out!

Colin Quinn: [tries to keep character] Dear me, I shan’t be spoken to in that tone, JOEY. It simply won’t do!

Matthew Perry: I’m serious! Cut it out!

Colin QuinnM: [breaks character] What are you doing, Matthew? You’re ruining the whole sketch!

Matthew Perry: What am I doing? What kind of an impression is this?! It doesn’t sound anything like me!

Chris Kattan: [still impersonating Ross as he speaks] Look, you – you shouldn’t second-guess him, you know? He’s an actor, and, you know, he made an acting choice.

Matthew Perry: Hey, Kattan, do yourself a favor and stick to characters that don’t speak!

[Chris Kattan, angry, sits down on the couch]

Matthew Perry: And Colin, I don’t play Chandler like some big gay foppish guy!

Colin Quinn: Look, Matthew, I’m sorry you didn’t like my impression. It’s just that I’m a huge fan. And your performance in that role always brings to mind classic character actors like Ed Win, Edward Everett Horton, and I tried to bring that to my performance. But I guess it was a bad call.

Matthew Perry: [suddenly intrigued] Well, not necessarily…

[Perry looks upward, deep in thought. The scene switches to a picture of a studio lot, with the caption reading “Hollywood, California. A Few Weeks From Now.”] [The scene switches to the Friends’ apartment. Matthew Perry bounds into the room as Chandler, and he now plays Chandler as effeminately as Colin did]

Chandler: Oooooh, Chandler’s home! Joey, be a dear and fetch me my shawl! I’m rather chilly! Oooooooohhhh!

[Scene freezes and Friends music plays while Friends credits roll]

Transcribed by: Scott Bonner

SNL Transcripts