Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 17
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Amy Fisher…..Cheri Oteri
Bill Dee Williams…..Tim Meadows
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Huh! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!…Thank you!
Ethnic Albanians who fled Kosovo greeted Hillary Clinton with kisses, hugs, and tears as she toured their Macedonian camp yesterday. It’s amazing that with all these people have been through, they can still feel sorry for Hillary Clinton.
In the wake [applause from previous joke]…in the wake– oh! Okay….In the wake of last week’s tragedy at the Chinese Embassy, government officials are now claiming that the bomb was delivered to the wrong address. Because they had trouble understanding the guy at the Chinese Embassy on the phone. [scattered applause]
Defense Secretary William Cohen this week blamed massive foul-ups throughout the U.S. intelligence system for the bombing. Cohen said, “The whole day was nuts. We ended up bombing the Chinese Embassy and ordering Yugoslavian food.” [some applause]
As protests in China against the U.S. continue, diplomats speculate that China may use the embassy bombing to divert gent – attention from the tenth anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre. [photo of two New York Post headlines — “CLINTON IN SEX SCANDAL” and “CLINTON BOMBS IRAQ”] I guess it’s true — they are stealing our secrets.
An American official is quoted as blaming the miliary error on the fact that “they put an X on the map in the wrong spot.” In actuality, NATO had meant to bomb Milosevic [doctored photo of Slobodan Milosevic on “Hollywood Squares”] for the win. [applause]
Ex-House Speaker Newt Gingrich publicly criticized Clinton’s policy in Kosovo this week, saying it was creating a “European Vietnam.” His speech ended when the other people at the karaoke bar told Gingrich to stop making speeches, and just sing “I Will Survive” again. [cheers and applause]
A Communist-led attempt to impeach Boris Yeltsin failed today, and he was cleared of all five charges against him. Afterwards, Yeltsin issued a statement saying, “Now is the time to heal,” calling for a Bloody Mary, two Advil, and three hours of complete silence. [some applause]
President Clinton expressed concern this week that Al Gore’s presidential campaign was off to a sluggish start, and said he personally coached Gore on how to loosen up and appear less remote and rigid on a campaign trail. Thus making Al Gore the oldest boy on record to ever get the “birds and bees” speech.
In its first gun control vote since the Columbine shootings, the Senate rejected a proposal to require instant background checks on people buying weapons at gun shows. Instead, they’ll do the checks the way they’ve always been done: by watching the aftermath on CNN. [groans; surprised by reaction]
Angry…angry over the early release of Amy Fisher, Joey Buttafuoco said this week he fears for his children….Ironically, that’s what Buttafuoco’s former Long Island neighbors used to say when Joey was still living next door to them. [some applause]
Amy Fisher, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, and Joey Buttafuoco are planning a televised reunion that one Hollywood agent said will make “The Jerry Springer Show” look tame. The show will be called “Two Girls, a Guy, a Pizza Place…and a Nation Full of Idiots Watching.” [cheers and applause]
And here with us now, just released from prison, the Long Island Lolita herself, Amy Fisher!
[pan over to Amy, who talks with a bit of a Long Island accent]
Amy Fisher: Thank you, Colin, wow. It is so great to be out! I mean, you don’t know how good it feels to finally put on my old cut-offs and see-through halter tops and showin’ off in the neighborhood like a regular person! I mean, some of you may know that I have an interest in fashion. So I got this killer idea to open up my own little boutique, and sell really, really classy tear-away underwear.
Colin: I understand fashion is very competitive business, you know.
Amy: [exhales; becomes increasingly angry] I’m aware of that, Colin….Okay, but I’m very focused and I’m not afraid to ring a few [pretending to ring doorbells with her finger] doorbells when I – to get what I want! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong!
Colin: You know Amy, a lot of those little boutiques go under in the first year. Just…
Amy: I have a VERY POSITIVE MENTAL OUTLOOK, COLIN! OKAY? I’M SO FREAKING OPTIMISTIC, IT’S SCARY! [pretending to ring doorbells]Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong!
Colin: …Mary Jo Buttafuoco helped you get out of jail, [Amy calms down] have you two become close?
Amy: Oh. Mary Jo, she’s cool, that’s a mess, I mean, you know, we’ve talked, [Colin chuckles] and uh, she’s a real class act, but, you know, since she moved to L.A. and now she knows all these new classy people, I figure she needs another friend like she needs a hole in the head. [mixed reaction — mostly groans]…I mean – I mean another hole in the head. [smiles briefly; some applause]
Colin: Now, a lot of people are wondering if there’s a new man in your life.
Amy: Colin, I’ve been home for 24 hours, okay? Of course there is! [a cheer and scattered applause]…See, I got my eye now on this nice…Irish Catholic boy. [looks at Colin]
Colin: I know where you’re going with this, Amy, but I already have a girlfriend.
Amy: [after a pause; quietly and increasingly sinister] Oh really?…Where does she live? [pretends to ring a doorbell]
Colin: [looks off screen] Eugene!
Amy: [nervously] Oh, I just want to know where she lives, I want to go [a security guard appears, lifts her out of her chair, and carries her out of the studio] to her…
Colin: [to the guard] Quickly!
Amy: …house! [kicking and screaming] I WANT TO…
Colin: Amy Fisher, everybody!
Amy: …TALK TO HER! THAT’S ALL, I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HER…
Colin: Amy Fisher!
Colin: Christian groups in the Washington area have launched an ad campaign to convince gay people they can change their sexual orientation through, quote, “the power of Christ.”…Yeah. There’s nothing like a few CYO basketball games where Brother Alfonse helps towel you down to put you on the path to the straight and narrow. [some applause]
In Jeffrey Katzenberg’s multi-million-dollar lawsuit against the Disney Company, Disney Chairman Michael Eisner has admitted to calling five-foot, four-inch Katzenberg a “little midget.”…Not only will Disney end up playing millions of dollars to Katzenberg, they have now been slapped with [photo of the seven dwarfs from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs] seven discrimination suits. [scattered applause]
The tabloids are now saying that Burke Ramsey, JonBenét Ramsey’s nine-year-old brother, killed her in a fit of jealousy. That makes sense. It would take the brilliant criminal mind of a nine-year-old to baffle Boulder police for three years. [some applause]
In Washington this week, the DEA opened a museum dedicated to addiction. One of the most popular exhibits is this [photo of Rodin’s sculpture The Thinker] statue. No, it’s not The Thinker; it’s just a naked guy nodding off on a toilet.
The London Sun is reporting that before the end of the year, the remaining Beatles will release a new song using previously recorded vocals by John Lennon. The song, called “We’re Not Home Right Now, Leave a Message After the Beep,” will be out in June.
And…in his new autobiography, Minnesota governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura admits that he took drugs and patronized hookers. Here in New York, political experts say this revelation could lead to the three words New Yorkers fear most: “Governor Darryl Strawberry.”
As you all know, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace opens nationwide May 19th. A lucky few people have already seen it. And one of them is here now with a review. Please welcome Lando Calrissian himself, mister Billy Dee Williams.
[pan over to Billy Dee, who talks in a smooth, baritone voice]
Billy Dee Williams: Hello, Colin! Hello, everyone! You’re all lookin’ mighty fine! [Colin laughs] So the big day is almost here, and unfortunately, I have some bad news for you Star War fans. I saw the movie yesterday, and it is not very good.
Billy Dee: Yeah, the film starts off strongly but, as time went on, it became increasingly clear to me that I was not in it….Now, you have to understand that this made the crowd furious! At least one person could be heard to yell, “Where is Lando Calrissian?” in a rich, baritone voice.
Colin: No offense, but I really don’t think that Lando Calrissian is as popular as you say he is.
Billy Dee: [looks at Colin briefly, then shakes his head] Why, you no-good, low-down, dirty coward! Lando Calrissian is one of the most enduring icons of the 20th century. And to prove it, I’m gonna show you what it’d be like if Lando Calrissian were in The Phantom Menace. This is a monologue I wrote, where Lando finds himself in a situation.
[Billy Dee reaches under the desk and grabs a can of Colt 45 malt liquor; lights dim as he opens the can and takes a sip. The song “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green plays.]
Well, hello! [lights turn blue; some applause] What have we here? You are lookin’ fine tonight, sweet thing! I do believe that I would fight a star war to win your love! So what’s goin’ on with this whole “phantom menace”? It’s pretty excitin’ stuff. But let’s leave all that behind. Why don’t you get into my automobile? Don’t be shy! I know those other guys may have lightsabers, but if you come home with Lando, I’ll show you my darksaber! [some cheers and applause]
Colin: Okay, that’s just crude! [music fades out, lights return to normal] Look, listen, Lando [Billy Dee takes a sip of Colt 45] Calrissian couldn’t have even been in The Phantom Menace; it’s a prequel! It takes place 40 years before Star Wars.
Billy Dee: Now, Colin, the movie is brand new! Star Wars came out, like, 20 years ago.
Colin: I know! Phantom Menace is new, but it’s set 40 years before Star Wars.
Billy Dee: So you’re saying that they made this movie 60 years ago?…No-o-o! Come on, get real there, CQ, they didn’t even have movies 60 years ago! [takes a sip of Colt 45]
Colin: Your character could not have been in the movie because when the movie takes place, your character hadn’t been born.
[long pause, then Billy Dee takes a bigger sip of Colt 45]
Billy Dee: [after another pause, giving Colin a confused look] What?
Colin: Billy Dee Williams, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Good night!
[Colin laughs, he and Billy Dee shake hands]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson