SNL Transcripts: Britney Spears: 05/13/00: Deandra Wells Comeback Tour

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Deandra Wells Comeback Tour

Gordon Davis…..Will Ferrell
Alan “Sticks” McRae…..Chris Parnell
Donny Gordon…..Horatio Sanz
Deandra Wells…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on exterior, Las Vegas, night ] [ a sign outside the Westward Ho advertises: “DEANDRA WELLS Feel The Love Tour” ] [ dissolve to interior, as Deandra Wells’ back-up band performs “Mandy” for the crowd ] [ the audience applauds their performance ]

Gordon Davis: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks again for being so patient. In just a few minutes, the lady herself — Ms. Deandra Wells — will take the stage. While we’re waiting, let me introduce you to the band. Mr. Alan “Sticks” McRae on drums. [ Alan beats a lick to his own delight, as Grodon shrugs ] And on bass, our resident smart-aleck — Donny Gordon. [ the pipe-toting Donny strums his bass and spins it around, as Gordon laughs ] And… the incomparable Gordon Davis on piano. [ he acts with mock surprise ] Hey, that’s me! Okay, folks — [ an attendant leans over the piano to whisper a message to Gordon ] Alright. Looks like we’re all set. Fellas? [ the band plays Deandra’s entrance music ] We’re so truly blessed to have worked with this legendary musical superstar for the past four decades. Ladies and gentlemen, the diva of all divas — the Queen of song — Deandra Wells!

[ Deandra Wells emerges from behind a curtain, nearly tripping as she makes her entrance ]

Deandra Wells: Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you so, so much! Ohhhhhh, feel the love! Feel the love! how wonderful it must be for all of you to be here with me. Ohhh! [ sings ] “In a child’s mind…” [ audience applauds ] My first platinum hit — thanks for remembering! THank you! I’m not too happy with the sound system, but we’ll try and make a go of it.

[ singing ]

“In a child’s mind
A dream can be just a… balloon.
But in a woman’s heart
A dream floats away much too soon.”

[ the audience applauds more ]

Ohhhh, thank you so much! hank you! [ to the band ] Could we take this way down? Could we take this way down? I want to sing this real quiet for the people. Real quiet. They’re so special! [ looks out into the audience ] Oh, look at you, girl! You are HUGE! And you are beautiful! Oh, God bless every INCH of you! Ohhhhhh!! [ as Gordon plays the piano ] Shh shh shh shh shh!! Let’s bring it down — let’s bring it way down. [ Gordon softens his playing ] Let’s bring it way down.

Gordon Davis: [ grabs his microphone ] We’re way down, now.

Deandra Wells: Shh, shh shh shh shh shh!! Shh shh shh shh shh!! [ pause ] A little louder. A little louder, I need something. I need something!

Gordon Davis: [ annoyed ] I don’t know what you want, Deandra!

Deandra Wells: I want you to do your job, Boo-Boo! [ to the audience ] Boo-Boo Davis, everybody! Boo-Boo Davis —

Gordon Davis: [ correcting her ] Gordon Davis!

Deandra Wells: I call him Boo-Boo ’cause he makes a lot of mistakes! [ she cracks up laughing ] But I keep in the family, ’cause he’s just like one of me! You know what I mean? I love you, Boo. I love you, Boo!

[ the expression on Gordon’s face reveals that he’s not the least bit amused. It is clear that he would like to leap over his piano and strangle Deandra. ]

Deandra Wells: [ sings a couple more bars of “Through a Child’s Eyes” ] You know, we would have done this tour a lot earlier, but the guys all took some time off. Doing the solo thing. But, lucky for me, they all failed! [ she chuckles ] Boo-Boo, especially! [ approaches Gordon ] Boo-Boo? Boo-Boo, look at me — in the eye. Boo-Boo, look me right here in the eyes. [ Gordon doesn’t avert his gaze ] I know when you’re looking at me and when you’re not. Boo-Boo, look me right here. [ Gordon slowly turns his head towards Deandra ] There you go. [ she raises her finger ] When you are here on this stage — with me — you will never be a joke.

[ Gordon stares at Deandra with contempt, as she begins singing again ]

Deandra Wells: [ singing ]“Through a child’s eye
A tree makes a castle… of lo-o-ove!
But on a woman’s face, the tears fit her cheek like a glo-o-o-o-ove.”

You know, I first sang this song with Mr. Neil Sedaka, but, unfortunately, he could not be here with us tonight. So Boo-Boo’s gonna help me out with the duet part. And he doesn’t do too well under pressure, so let’s keep our fingers crossed, okay?

[ singing ] “In a child’s mouth…”

Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “A lollipop can ta-aste so swee-eet!”

Deandra Wells: He’s no Sedaka, I know.

[ singing ] “But to a woman’s ear…”

Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “The sound of good-bye is no treat.”

Deandra Wells: Ooooohhhh!! One of us is flat!

[ singing together ]“Keep the woman-child inside your woman
Don’t let her run away.
Keep the woman-child –“

[ high-pitched feedback suddenly occurs ]

Owww!!! Ow! This SHOCKED me, DAMMIT!!

Gordon Davis: [ snarkily ] Good.

Deandra Wells: You can go to HELL, Boo-Boo!!

Alan “Sticks” McRae: [ jumps to his feet ] NO!! YOU go to HELL, Deandra!! Did you ever ONCE go to one of his solo shows?!! Even once?!! Did you know that he was nominated for a Grammy, for Best Spoken Recording?!! He has the voice of an angel!! [ he sits ]

Donny Gordon: Hey, you know what?! Never, EVER, make us stand in alphabetical order at the card table while YOU write our OUR checks!!

Gordon Davis: And you listen!! You LISTEN, you DIVA WHORE!! Don’t you ever, EVER, shove me down the steps of the tour bus again!! And, starting RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT babysit your Italian greyhound!! GOT IT?!! [ Deandra is stunned, so Gordon jumps up and pinches her ] YOU GOT IT?!! [ Deandra backs off ] GOOD!!

[ a stunned Deandra turns to face the crowd, then flourishes her arms ]

Deandra Wells: Thank you so much, thank you so much! [ singing ] “In a child’s mind…” Feel the love — feel the love, everybody! Come on! [ singing ] “A dream can be just a… balloon.” It’s all about love — it’s all about you all loving me! Thank you so much!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Britney Spears: 05/13/00: Woodrow

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears


Woodrow…..Tracy Morgan
…..Britney Spears
Britney’s Manager…..Chris Parnell
Fan #1…..Chris Kattan
Fan #2…..Will Ferrell
Fan #3…..Molly Shannon
Fan #4…..Jimmy Fallon

[Fans cheering for Britney]

Woodrow: (Pushing through fans to get to Britney) Over here Britney! It’s me Woodrow!

Britney’s Manager: Ok, listen. Stand back. Stand back, everyone. Mrs. Spears is very tired everyone. So I’m sorry there will be no autographs tonight.

[Fans begin calling again]

Woodrow: Look it here everyone, it’s me Woodrow! Woodrow!

[Fans groan at scent of Woodrow]

Fan #1: Aww, he stinks!

Britney’s Manager: Please do not come any closer to Mrs. Spears.

Fan #2: He thinks he’s gonna talk to Britney!

[Fans laugh at Woodrow]

Fan #3: (Pointing at Woodrow) Look everyone he’s craaaazy!

Fan #4: Hey! He doesn’t even have any money to see the show!

(Fans continue to laugh)

Woodrow: HEY! That’s not funny! WHY? WHY? Stop laughing at me! I have feelings too! Stop laughing at me. Woodrow didn’t hurt no one! (Woodrow starts crying)

Britney’s Manager: Ok, Ok. Listen, Listen. Everyone the shows over. Let’s break this up.Ok. We gotta go.

Britney: Wait a minute. They hurt his feelings. I’m so sorry, would you like me to sign your telephone book for you?

Woodrow: Who me?

Britney: Yes you. You old cry baby.

Woodrow: I guess I kinda overreacted.

Britney: Here use this. (Hands Woodrow purple handkerchief)

Woodrow: Thanks. (Wipes eyes) It’s just that I’m.. I’m such a big fan, and when they started laughing at me, I just wanted to run home.

Britney: Where’s home?

Woodrow: About 10 feet from here.

Britney: You live in the alley?

Woodrow: No, down in the manhole. I live in the sewer.

Britney: I tell ya what, since these people are kinda stuffy anyways how about I walk you home.

Woodrow: You mean it? You would do that?

Britney: For you? Come on Woodrow.

(Fans get restless)

Britney’s Manager: Britney! Where are you going? We’ve gotta, We’ve gotta plane to catch!

Britney: I’ll be back, I’m just gonna go down in the sewer.

Britney’s Manager: The sewer?! Britney no! (Woodrow and Britney climb down manhole) What are you doing?

Fan #3: You guys! Britney is heading down into the sewer with a crazy homeless man!

Fan #1: That’s big news!

Fan #3: Britney!

Britney’s Manager: Somebody stop her! Someone call the police!

Fan #4: Let’s all go down in the sewer!(Fans cheer)

Britney’s Manager: No, no, no, no…It’s too dangerous.

(Britney and Woodrow are shown in sewer)

Woodrow: Well, this is it. This is where I live.

Britney: It’s not so bad…I like the mailbox!

Woodrow: Oh I stole that ’cause it had secrets about me.

Britney: You know what? Sometimes I’d like to steal a mailbox.

Woodrow: Oh you’re just sayin’ that.

Britney: I know.

Woodrow: Say Britney, I was wondering…

Britney: What?

Woodrow: Well your always singing for everyone else and I wrote this, this song and I thought…

Britney: Aw that’s so sweet…Yes, please I’d love to hear it.

Woodrow: I got it right here. I mean it’s no “Oops I Did It Again” but…

Britney: Just sing it!

Woodrow: (singing)
Little TV sets, goin’ off inside my ear
Spaceman floating by
Firecracker beer
Chased a demon’s lightning
Music hits your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a Doo Doo Pie
I Love You

Britney: Oh my gosh that was so beautiful.

Woodrow: You mean it?

Britney: I do. It was really nice.

Woodrow: I kinda wrote it at a really crazy time in my life. You really like it?

Britney: I love it.

Woodrow: I love you.

Britney: I love you too.

(As Woodrow and Britney are about to kiss…)

Britney’s Manager (From Above) Britney! Britney Spears. Are you down there in the sewer?

Britney: It’s my manager…

Britney’s Manager: (From Above) We’re coming to get you.

Woodrow: You better go.

Britney: I can’t! I wanna stay with you. Down here in the sewer.

Woodrow: Shhhh. No, the world up there needs you. You go.

Britney: I’ll see you Woodrow…

Woodrow: So long Britney…

(Britney climbs up ladder out of sewer)

Woodrow: (singing)
Chased a demon’s lightning.
Music hits your eye.
Up and down the sidewalk.
Take a Doo Doo Pie.
I Love You.


Submitted by: Andrew Gould

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 20th, 2000

Jackie Chan

Kid Rock


Sarah Michelle Geller

Gina Gershon

Florence Henderson

Andy Murphy

Trey Anastasio
The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) plays a round of “Who Wants To Be My Skank?”

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.



Jackie Chan’s MonologueSummary: Other action film stars challenge Jackie Chan.

Recurring Characters: Steven Seagal.


Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) informs the terminal drones that Wang (Jackie Chan) will be filling in for him while he’s on vacation.

Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.


The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie (Ana Gasteyer) sing an unusual medley at the school’s Rennaissance Festival.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbi Mohan-Culp, Senor Franklin.


TV FunhouseSummary: Fans interrupt during the filming of Madonna’s “American Pie” music video.

The ZimmermannsSummary: Flirtations run rampant between Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmermann (Cheri Oteri) and inter-racial couple Kim (Jackie Chan) and Kim (Molly Shannon) while on a miniature golf course.

Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmermann, Laura Zimmermann.

Legends in ConcertSummary: A concert of rock legend impersonators includes Chang Cong Sun’s (Jackie Chan) Chinese unconvincing Elvis portrayal.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Kid Rock performs “American Bad Ass”

Pretty LivingSummary: Joyologist Helen Madden (Molly Shannon) shows off her new aerobic lover, Rusty Lao (Jackie Chan).

Recurring Characters: Gail Gleeson, Helen Madden.

CalgonSummary: Laundromat owner (Jackie Chan) protects the secret of Calgon from a nosy customer (Chris Parnell).


The Men At The Center of the EarthSummary: Various men from around the globe meet up while digging a series of tunnels below the earth’s surface.


Kid Rock performs “Only God Knows Why”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: Calgon

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock


Customer…..Chris Parnell
Mr. Ling…..Jackie Chan
Mrs. Ling…..Maya Rudolph

Customer: How do you get your shirts so white, Mr. Ling?

Mr. Ling: Shh. Ancient Chinese Secret.

[ cut to back room of laundromat, where Mrs. Ling listens ]

Mrs. Ling: My husband – some hotshot. Here’s his “Ancient Chinese Secret” – new, improved Calgon. Calgon helps shirts get up to 30% whiter. [ enters front room of laundromat shaking empty Calgon box ] We need more Calgon!

Customer: “Ancient Chinese Secret”, huh?

[ Mr. Ling jumps over the counter and pummels the customer against the wall, then raises him in the air by his shirt collar ]

Mr. Ling: If you tell anybody about this.. you’re dead man!

Mrs. Ling: [ listening again from back room ] New Calgon. Shh.. our secret.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: The Men At The Center Of The Earth

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Men At The Center Of The Earth

American Man…..Will Ferrell
Chinese Man…..Jackie Chan
French Man…..Chris Parnell
Ghanaian Man…..Tracy Morgan
Ecuadorian Man…..Horatio Sanz

[In a hole, a man is digging.]

American Man: Ten million . . . ten million and one . . . ten million and two. Whoo! Take a break. Ten million and two. [Takes a drink from a water bottle.] Well, Gabriel, old boy, they said you couldn’t do it. They said you were crazy. “You can’t dig a hole all the way to China! You’ll never make it!” [Laughs.] But soon you’re gonna prove them wrong. Soon you’ll be in China. [Goes back to digging.] Ten million and three . . . [He stops, hearing another voice somewhere.] What the hell?

[A Chinese man, also with a shovel, bursts through the dirt wall.]

American Man: Who are you?

Chinese Man: [Says something in Chinese.] What?

American Man: Huh? Who are you?

Chinese Man: Who are you, in my hole to America?

American Man: Your hole to America? How dare you! This is MY hole to China! You’ve ruined it!

Chinese Man: No! You are in my way! You turn around and go back!

American Man: Me, turn around? No, no, I’m not going to let you just use my hole like it’s your own hole!

Chinese Man: This is MY hole!

American Man: No, siree! No, siree! Okay? My name is Gabriel Ziskin! I started digging this hole in my backyard in Patterson, New Jersey four months ago, okay, after a fight with my wife! And let me tell you, I did not say to her, “To hell with you, I’m going to dig a hole halfway to China!” Now, get out of my way!

Chinese Man: No way!

American Man: Okay, we’ll see about that.

Chinese Man: I’ve been digging a hole five –

[More digging is heard.]

American Man: Wait, hang on. What’s that noise?

[A third man, from France, also bursts into the hole with the Chinese and American men.]

French Man: [Says some stuff in French.]

American Man: Oh, for God’s sake!

Chinese Man: Why are you in my hole to America?

French Man: Your hole to America? This is my hole, to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean!

American Man: Why would you want to dig a hole to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?

French Man: I have my reasons.

American Man: Man, what are the chances of these three holes running into each other?

[More digging is heard, and an African man shovels through the wall.]

Ghanaian Man: Get out of the damn way!

American Man: Man alive, what is this?

Ghanaian Man: I’m digging a hole from Ghana to New Zealand.

French Man: This is unacceptable!

[A fifth man, in a prison uniform, goes through to the hole with everybody else.]

Ecuadorian Man: You can say that again!

Chinese Man: Who are you?

Ecuadorian Man: I am escaped prisoner from Ecuador! I am digging my way to Algeria! Now get out of my way!

[The men, except for the American man, start arguing with each other.

American Man: Gentlemen! Please! Gentlemen! This bickering is pointless! We’re all obviously very good at digging! In fact, this might be the greatest gathering of hole-diggers in history! Let’s put aside our petty differences and celebrate what is common in each of us: digging.

[The other men start talking again, apologizing to each other.]

American Man: That’s why I suggest we stay here, and live as one! All nations united! America!

Chinese Man: China!

Ghanaian Man: Ghana!

Ecuadorian Man: Ecuador!

French Man: France!

American Man>: And America!

[Patriotic-sounding music pots up.]

American Man: We shall build a society! A utopia! Right here, in the center of the earth!

“We’ll live in the center of the earth
To see what life is worth
In the center of the earth!”

French Man:
“We’ll be free
As free as you can be
Ten thousand miles beneath the sea
In the center of the earth!”

“We’ve dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story.
Of the men who dared to live
In the center of the earth!”

Chinese Man and Ecuadorian Man:
“At last
China and Ecuador
Are friends forever more
At the center of the earth”

French Man and Ghanaian Man:
“We’ll eat
Dirt and rocks and mud
The heat will boil our blood
At the center of the earth!”

“We’ve dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story
Of the men who dared to live
At the center of the earth!”

V/O: And eight minutes later, they were all dead!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: The Culps

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbie Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows

Senor Franklin: Hola Estudiantes. Me llamo Senor Franklin. I am Senor Franklin. Your Spanish teacher. I hope your enjoying the fair. But I do want to say to the persons or personas who disrupted the jugglers by throwing taco meat at them, no es comica. NOT FUNNY! In fact i am Muy Furioso! Very Furious! Muy Furioso! That’s no way to treat our custodian 4 days before he retires. No es Frio, people not cool. Alright at any rate, not that you deserve it, we have a musical treat for you from the music department to instruct and entertain you. Please welcome the Merry Wanderers!

(taco meat is thrown at Senor Franklin from offside.)


(Bobbi and Marty enter stage with a Medieval tune playing in backround and wearing medieval costumes.)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. whoops we got a real hot mic here. can we adjust the treble on this one?

Marty Culp: Anyone? can we adjust it?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Is there an AVÂ peasant?

Both: AV peasant in the village? Out on a pilgrimage? Ok.

Marty Culp: Good day Lords and Ladies. I’m Marty Culp and milady,

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’m Bobbi Mohan-Culp. What a way to send off a bunch of almost High schoolers with a fantastical all day mandatory renaissance fair.

Marty Culp: Boy! Look at all those great costumes out there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I didn’t realize renaissance folk wore so many garments from Ambernathie and Flitch.

( mic screeches)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Treble’s a little tinny.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got an AV knave?

Marty Culp: AV knave? No?

Marty Culp: there are a number of ways to make music in the renaissance era. And these funny looking instruments are part of the menstrual period.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We don’t learn anything if we’re laughing, people.

Marty Culp: No we don’t. We have a little surprise. The weaver from the junior college, Cheryl Hardwick, has offered to make a tunic for every 8th grader.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Isnt that a coup!

Both: Who cant wait to get their tunic?? That’ll be fun!

Marty Culp: You know that middle finger was extremely offensive even back at the battle of Bosworth, Bobby Van Rye.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And mooning was a sure fire way to loose your knighthood, Charlie Mckittrick.

Marty Culp: Anyway, in the spirit of this very, very fun day–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea its just been a gas–

Marty Culp: capital F.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea, really a gas for us.

Marty Culp: We’ve prepared a little musical history lesson, for what we know as the Golden Age of Funk! 1! 2! 3! 4!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: April is in thy mistress face!

Both: But in her heart! But in her heart! But in her heart a cold December–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: what a wench wants! What a wench needs! What ever makes her happy sets her free.

Marty Culp: And I thanking you for knowing that she’s no.

Both: Medieval woman! Do do do do do! Medieval woman! Do do do do do!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Renaissance if you want to do!

Marty Culp: You can leave the iron age behind.

Both: And if you can’t paint and if you can’t sculpt, then you’re no friend of mine!

Both: Renaissance! Renaissance!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And just like the ocean under the moon!

Marty Culp: That’s the same emotion that I get from you.

Both: You gotta kind of loving that makes me so smooth. Give me your heart make it real.

Marty Culp: Or else forget about it.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Let me see that thong!!

Marty Culp: what what, thighs like what what what?

Both: Baby move your butt butt butt. I think I’ll say it again!

Both: Dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt! I think I’ll say it again!

Both: oops I did it again.

Marty Culp: Invented movable type!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It led to a printing revolution!

Both: Pops the peasants can read!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Here comes the bubonic plague!

Marty Culp: You can’t read when your dead!

(Marty plays soft tune on keyboard and Senor Franklin plays flute in the backround)

Marty Culp: Senor Franklin on jazz flute.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Awoke last night to the sound of thunder–

Marty Culp: How far off I sat and wondered.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Started humming a song from 1523!

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Medieval woman

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves.

(they repeat those 2 last lines 4 more times)

Both: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?? Ain’t it funny how the night moves!!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Have a great time at the Ren Fair!

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: The Ladies Man

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Brandy Lane…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Wilma Slotsin…..Gina Gershon
…..Florence Henderson

Leon Phelps: I’m Leon Phelps, and welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries. How y’all doin’? That is good. I’m doin’ fine, I got my bottle of Couversier right here. Hey, you know what? I am in a very relaxed mood, for, you, see soon the moist days of summer will be upon us. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means that I, Leon Phelps, will be needing to choose a new summertime skank. Now, I have narrowed my choices down to three very charming, very talented, very skanky individuals.. and tonight, we are gonna play “Who Wants To Be My Skank?” [ walks over to the set ] Alright, then. So let’s meet the contestant. Contestant #1 is a bus station skank. She makes her living by selling her underwear to perverts on the Internet. Sayhello to Brandy Lane.

Brandy Lane: [ walks out and sits ] Hi, Leon!

Leon Phelps: What is hapenin’, Brandy? Skanktestant #2 hails fromGary, Indiana. She is currently unemployed, but is living comfortably offa settlement she won for a leaky boob implant. Say hello to Wilma Slotsin.

Wilma Slotsin: [ walks out and sits ] Hey, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Hey, hello there, Miss Slotsin! And last, but not least,contestant #3 is the host of a very popular morning show here on NBC called”Later Today”. Please welcome Florence Henderson.

Florence Henderson: [ walks out and sits ] Leon, it is so nice tosee again!

Leon Phelps: It is so nice to see you, too, Flossie baby! So, ladies,are you ready to skank it up?

[ the three skanks cheer wildly ]

Florence Henderson: Let’s get skanky!

Leon Phelps: Yeah! Okay, Skank #1: “If you were an article ofclothing, what would you be?”

Brandy Lane: Well, Leon, I’m very warm, and very giving, and veryopen.. so I’d probably be a pair of crotchless panties!

Leon Phelps: [ near tears ] That is so beautiful! Skank #2: “Whatkind of clothing would you be?”

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. I’d probably be an old sneaker, because Idon’t mind being tied up, and I smell rank!

Leon Phelps: Ooohhhh! That is skanky! Okay, next question,Skank #3. I think it is important to think about your future, so let meask you this: “How skanky do you think you will be in five years?”

Florence Henderson: Oh, very skanky! When the world seeswhat I can really do with a bottle of Wesson Oil, well.. You knowwhat, Leon? I’m gonna be able to outskank Carmen Electra!

Leon Phelps: Ooh, Miss Wessonality! That is very good. Now, Skank#2: “If you could do one thing to make this a better world, what would youdo?”

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. it has always been my dream to wipe out all ofthe world’s diseases.. but I think that I should focus mainly on the onesthat itch my crotch.

Leon Phelps: Yea-heh! Listen, I’m very sorry about giving you that.

Florence Henderson: Oh, actually, Leon, I should apologize -I gave it to you first.

Leon Phelps: Listen, no apologies necessary, Flo-ho. It wasworth it! Now, here’s one for all of you: “Where is the most unusual placeyou have ever whoopie?” Skank #1?

Brandy Lane: Hmm.. that would be in the butt.. ler’s pantry..of the Playboy Mansion!

Leon Phelps: Intriguing, yeah! Skank #2?

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. I did it once in the ass.. pen, Coloradobus station.

Leon Phelps: That is fabulous, yeah! Skank #3: “What is the mostunusual place that you have ever done it?”

Florence Henderson: [ laughing ] That’s easy, Leon.. right down theold Hershey Highway! Yeah, just outside of Hershey, Pennsylvania!

[ Winner’s Bell rings ]

Leon Phelps: I think we have a winner! Skank #3, I am veryimpressed! How about a big hand for all of our skanks, everybody? Isn’tthat lovely? Well, that is all the time we have for “Who Wants To Be MySkank?” Ladies?

All: [ blow a kiss to the audience ] “Live, from New York, it’sSaturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: Jackie Chan’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Jackie Chan’s Monologue

…..Jackie Chan
Steven Seagal….Will Ferrell
Jean Claude Van Damme….Chris Kattan
Sammo Hung….Horatio Sanz

[Jackie enters center stage on studio 8-H]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Chan!

[wild cheers and applause]

Jackie Chan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Whoo! Thank you very, very much! [genuinely nervous] You know what? If you put a mike in my chest you can hear the heartbeat. Even myself I can hear from here. Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom- boom. I’m so scared. I’m so–because first time host a show in my life. [more cheers and applause] But I’m so excited. But I think I’m the first martial artist to host Saturday Night Live. But I promise tonight, there’s no violence. There’s—[Asian music plays]

[Steven Seagal appears with his ponytail, robe and doing jujitsu moves]

Steven Seagal: Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan: Steven Seagal. What are you doing here?

Steven Seagal: You think you’re the first martial artist to host this show? That’s bullcrap. I hosted nine years ago.

Jackie Chan: I bet you were really funny. Because everything you’ve done is a joke.

Steven Seagal: You think just because you do all your own stunts that makes you a badass? Apparently you haven’t seen my work in “Hard to Kill”. “Out for Justice”. “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory”. I think you owe me an apology.

Jackie Chan: If I don’t?

Steven Seagal: I’m gonna go eat a sandwich. [leaves]

Jackie Chan: Like, I always use martial arts with comedy—

[Van Damme appears and does some lame unbalanced kicks]

Jackie Chan:: Who are you?

Jean Claude Van Damme: I’m Jean Claude Van Damme!

Jackie Chan: Jean Claude Van Damme? You look much smaller in real life.

Jean Claude Van Damme: Yeah? Well, Van Damme is bigger at the box office.

Jackie Chan: But I was in “Rush Hour”.

Jean Claude Van Damme: “Rush Hour”? Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, I did a little movie too last year. Maybe you heard of it. Its called “Legionnaire”?!

[No response from no one. Van Damme leaves ashamed]

Jackie Chan: Anyway, I really like mixing the comedy with the action—

[Fat ass action star Sammo Hung appears, does a few low kicks, out of breath immediately]

Jackie Chan: Oh, my God! Its Sammo hung from “Martial Law”!

Sammo Hung: Jackie, I need for–please, to answer this difficult question. How did I get stuck on martial art show with Arsenio Hall? Why me? Why did I do? What the hell? [leaves]

Guy from audience: Hey!

Jackie Chan: What action star are you?

Guy from audience: Did you ever see the movie “The Karate Kid”? I was Ralph Macchio’s make-up artist.

Jackie Chan: Make-up artist? What are you doing here?

[Guy from audience goes up the stage and grabs Jackie by the shirt]

Jackie Chan: Hey, hey, don’t insult me in front of audience.

Guy from audience: That’s the idea.

[Action music plays, Jackie twists the guy’s arm, grabs Jackie by the throat, Jackie spins him, ducks a punch, slams the guy on the chest, guy flips over and lands face first on the stage]

Jackie Chan: We have a great show! Kid Rock is here! So stick around we’ll be right back!

[Jackie kicks the guy in the face and bumps him offstage with a hip bump. Salutes the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Female Employee…..Cheri Oteri
Male Employee #1…..Horatio Sanz
Male Employee #2…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Wang…..Jackie Chan

Female Employee: Darnit! My computer froze again! You know, it hasn’t been the same since that virus attacked the system. Did anyone call Nick Burns?

Male Employee #1: Yeah, I called about a half hour ago. He told me to go soak my head.

Male Employee #2: [ shaking head ] I don’t like that guy.

Female Employee: Well I tried to run that Norton program to fix it but it didn’t work.

Nick Burns: That’s because the Norton Utilities can only detect a virus. It can’t repair your hard drive after you’ve downloaded an infected program, Patch Adams!

Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Okay, blockheads, I’m getting ready to go on vacation – I’m training the new guy. If you need any help, you can call him this week, alright? [ turns to door ] Come on in here, Wang.

Wang: Hi, everybody!

Nick Burns: Alright, who’s having a problem? [ all three Employees start griping at once ] Alright, one at a time. My brain doesn’t have a zip drive! [ approaches Male Employee #2 ] What’s your problem?

Male Employee #2: Well.. I just.. um.. I can’t.. can’t..

Nick Burns: Talk? What, my screen saver’s about to kick in!

Male Employee #2: I’m doing the quarterly again. And I copied the spreadsheets into this new file. And this stupid computer just screwed up all my columns!

Nick Burns: Oh, it’s the computer that’s stupid, not you, right? [ Male Employee #2 shakes his head ] The computer’s screwed up.

Male Employee #2: Yeah, okay! Alright. I tried to cut and paste it..

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Cut and paste! [ to Wang ] Didn’t I tell you these guys were stupid? [ to Male Employee #2 ] Go to your default font, and change it to your spreadsheet font.

Male Employee #2: [ confused ] My spreadsheet has a font?

Nick Burns: Move! [ taps keys quickly ] Was that so hard?

Male Employee #2: I didn’t know my spreadsheet had a font..

Nick Burns: Obviously! Hey, you know they’re training monkeys down at the zoo to use computers, maybe I’ll sign you up for a class! [ approaches Male Employee #1 ]

Male Employee #1: Hey, Nick. Hey, Wang. How are things going today?

Nick Burns: About as fast as an LC-475 with a 32-bit processor!

Wang: Yeah, LC-475! [ they laugh ]

Nick Burns: I got to remember that one in the chat rooms. What’s your deal?

Male Employee #1: You know, the craziest thing’s happening..

Nick Burns: What, you stopped thinking about pudding for ten seconds?

Male Employee #1: Come on, I want to open this file! But it says I don’t have enough memory.

Nick Burns: Okay, drag your cursor up to the right side of the menu.

Male Employee #1: [ confused ] Where’s the menu?

Nick Burns: Oh, the last thing I expect you not to be able to find is the menu!

Male Employee #1: [ angry ] Alright, you just show me where it is!

Nick Burns: Move! [ taps keys quickly ] Was that so hard? Wang, go help out the Queen of Tetris over there.

Wang: Okay. [ approaches Female Employee ] What’s your problem, Einstein?

Female Employee: Wang, I’m trying to download an attachment from an e-mail..

Wang: Mmm-hmm..

Female Employee: ..but when I try, it just says that I need a file converter..

Wang: Mmm-hmm..

Female Employee: So, then I tried to save it to Word first, but it won’t let me. So what can I do?

Wang: Move! [ taps keys quickly ]

Female Employee: Did you fix it?

Nick Burns: Yeah, he fixed it. [ to Wang ] I told you these flapjacks are one meg short of a gig. [ a beeper goes off ] Son of a.. is that you? It’s me. It’s you? [ checks beeper ] Oh, it’s those idiots over at the R & D. I guess we gotta make like Microsoft..

Wang: And split! [ they laugh ]

Nick Burns: L-O-L! Let’s go! [ they walk out the door, then turn around ]

Together: Oh by the way, you’re welcome!

SNL Transcripts

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