SNL Transcripts: Britney Spears: 05/13/00: Deandra Wells Comeback Tour



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19






99s: Britney Spears

Deandra Wells Comeback Tour

Gordon Davis…..Will Ferrell
Alan “Sticks” McRae…..Chris Parnell
Donny Gordon…..Horatio Sanz
Deandra Wells…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on exterior, Las Vegas, night ] [ a sign outside the Westward Ho advertises: “DEANDRA WELLS Feel The Love Tour” ] [ dissolve to interior, as Deandra Wells’ back-up band performs “Mandy” for the crowd ] [ the audience applauds their performance ]

Gordon Davis: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks again for being so patient. In just a few minutes, the lady herself — Ms. Deandra Wells — will take the stage. While we’re waiting, let me introduce you to the band. Mr. Alan “Sticks” McRae on drums. [ Alan beats a lick to his own delight, as Grodon shrugs ] And on bass, our resident smart-aleck — Donny Gordon. [ the pipe-toting Donny strums his bass and spins it around, as Gordon laughs ] And… the incomparable Gordon Davis on piano. [ he acts with mock surprise ] Hey, that’s me! Okay, folks — [ an attendant leans over the piano to whisper a message to Gordon ] Alright. Looks like we’re all set. Fellas? [ the band plays Deandra’s entrance music ] We’re so truly blessed to have worked with this legendary musical superstar for the past four decades. Ladies and gentlemen, the diva of all divas — the Queen of song — Deandra Wells!

[ Deandra Wells emerges from behind a curtain, nearly tripping as she makes her entrance ]

Deandra Wells: Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you so, so much! Ohhhhhh, feel the love! Feel the love! how wonderful it must be for all of you to be here with me. Ohhh! [ sings ] “In a child’s mind…” [ audience applauds ] My first platinum hit — thanks for remembering! THank you! I’m not too happy with the sound system, but we’ll try and make a go of it.

[ singing ]

“In a child’s mind
A dream can be just a… balloon.
But in a woman’s heart
A dream floats away much too soon.”

[ the audience applauds more ]

Ohhhh, thank you so much! hank you! [ to the band ] Could we take this way down? Could we take this way down? I want to sing this real quiet for the people. Real quiet. They’re so special! [ looks out into the audience ] Oh, look at you, girl! You are HUGE! And you are beautiful! Oh, God bless every INCH of you! Ohhhhhh!! [ as Gordon plays the piano ] Shh shh shh shh shh!! Let’s bring it down — let’s bring it way down. [ Gordon softens his playing ] Let’s bring it way down.

Gordon Davis: [ grabs his microphone ] We’re way down, now.

Deandra Wells: Shh, shh shh shh shh shh!! Shh shh shh shh shh!! [ pause ] A little louder. A little louder, I need something. I need something!

Gordon Davis: [ annoyed ] I don’t know what you want, Deandra!

Deandra Wells: I want you to do your job, Boo-Boo! [ to the audience ] Boo-Boo Davis, everybody! Boo-Boo Davis —

Gordon Davis: [ correcting her ] Gordon Davis!

Deandra Wells: I call him Boo-Boo ’cause he makes a lot of mistakes! [ she cracks up laughing ] But I keep in the family, ’cause he’s just like one of me! You know what I mean? I love you, Boo. I love you, Boo!

[ the expression on Gordon’s face reveals that he’s not the least bit amused. It is clear that he would like to leap over his piano and strangle Deandra. ]

Deandra Wells: [ sings a couple more bars of “Through a Child’s Eyes” ] You know, we would have done this tour a lot earlier, but the guys all took some time off. Doing the solo thing. But, lucky for me, they all failed! [ she chuckles ] Boo-Boo, especially! [ approaches Gordon ] Boo-Boo? Boo-Boo, look at me — in the eye. Boo-Boo, look me right here in the eyes. [ Gordon doesn’t avert his gaze ] I know when you’re looking at me and when you’re not. Boo-Boo, look me right here. [ Gordon slowly turns his head towards Deandra ] There you go. [ she raises her finger ] When you are here on this stage — with me — you will never be a joke.

[ Gordon stares at Deandra with contempt, as she begins singing again ]

Deandra Wells: [ singing ]“Through a child’s eye
A tree makes a castle… of lo-o-ove!
But on a woman’s face, the tears fit her cheek like a glo-o-o-o-ove.”

You know, I first sang this song with Mr. Neil Sedaka, but, unfortunately, he could not be here with us tonight. So Boo-Boo’s gonna help me out with the duet part. And he doesn’t do too well under pressure, so let’s keep our fingers crossed, okay?

[ singing ] “In a child’s mouth…”

Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “A lollipop can ta-aste so swee-eet!”

Deandra Wells: He’s no Sedaka, I know.

[ singing ] “But to a woman’s ear…”

Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “The sound of good-bye is no treat.”

Deandra Wells: Ooooohhhh!! One of us is flat!

[ singing together ]“Keep the woman-child inside your woman
Don’t let her run away.
Keep the woman-child –“

[ high-pitched feedback suddenly occurs ]

Owww!!! Ow! This SHOCKED me, DAMMIT!!

Gordon Davis: [ snarkily ] Good.

Deandra Wells: You can go to HELL, Boo-Boo!!

Alan “Sticks” McRae: [ jumps to his feet ] NO!! YOU go to HELL, Deandra!! Did you ever ONCE go to one of his solo shows?!! Even once?!! Did you know that he was nominated for a Grammy, for Best Spoken Recording?!! He has the voice of an angel!! [ he sits ]

Donny Gordon: Hey, you know what?! Never, EVER, make us stand in alphabetical order at the card table while YOU write our OUR checks!!

Gordon Davis: And you listen!! You LISTEN, you DIVA WHORE!! Don’t you ever, EVER, shove me down the steps of the tour bus again!! And, starting RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT babysit your Italian greyhound!! GOT IT?!! [ Deandra is stunned, so Gordon jumps up and pinches her ] YOU GOT IT?!! [ Deandra backs off ] GOOD!!

[ a stunned Deandra turns to face the crowd, then flourishes her arms ]

Deandra Wells: Thank you so much, thank you so much! [ singing ] “In a child’s mind…” Feel the love — feel the love, everybody! Come on! [ singing ] “A dream can be just a… balloon.” It’s all about love — it’s all about you all loving me! Thank you so much!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Britney Spears: 05/13/00: Woodrow



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19



99s: Britney Spears

Woodrow

Woodrow…..Tracy Morgan
…..Britney Spears
Britney’s Manager…..Chris Parnell
Fan #1…..Chris Kattan
Fan #2…..Will Ferrell
Fan #3…..Molly Shannon
Fan #4…..Jimmy Fallon

[Fans cheering for Britney]

Woodrow: (Pushing through fans to get to Britney) Over here Britney! It’s me Woodrow!

Britney’s Manager: Ok, listen. Stand back. Stand back, everyone. Mrs. Spears is very tired everyone. So I’m sorry there will be no autographs tonight.

[Fans begin calling again]

Woodrow: Look it here everyone, it’s me Woodrow! Woodrow!

[Fans groan at scent of Woodrow]

Fan #1: Aww, he stinks!

Britney’s Manager: Please do not come any closer to Mrs. Spears.

Fan #2: He thinks he’s gonna talk to Britney!

[Fans laugh at Woodrow]

Fan #3: (Pointing at Woodrow) Look everyone he’s craaaazy!

Fan #4: Hey! He doesn’t even have any money to see the show!

(Fans continue to laugh)

Woodrow: HEY! That’s not funny! WHY? WHY? Stop laughing at me! I have feelings too! Stop laughing at me. Woodrow didn’t hurt no one! (Woodrow starts crying)

Britney’s Manager: Ok, Ok. Listen, Listen. Everyone the shows over. Let’s break this up.Ok. We gotta go.

Britney: Wait a minute. They hurt his feelings. I’m so sorry, would you like me to sign your telephone book for you?

Woodrow: Who me?

Britney: Yes you. You old cry baby.

Woodrow: I guess I kinda overreacted.

Britney: Here use this. (Hands Woodrow purple handkerchief)

Woodrow: Thanks. (Wipes eyes) It’s just that I’m.. I’m such a big fan, and when they started laughing at me, I just wanted to run home.

Britney: Where’s home?

Woodrow: About 10 feet from here.

Britney: You live in the alley?

Woodrow: No, down in the manhole. I live in the sewer.

Britney: I tell ya what, since these people are kinda stuffy anyways how about I walk you home.

Woodrow: You mean it? You would do that?

Britney: For you? Come on Woodrow.

(Fans get restless)

Britney’s Manager: Britney! Where are you going? We’ve gotta, We’ve gotta plane to catch!

Britney: I’ll be back, I’m just gonna go down in the sewer.

Britney’s Manager: The sewer?! Britney no! (Woodrow and Britney climb down manhole) What are you doing?

Fan #3: You guys! Britney is heading down into the sewer with a crazy homeless man!

Fan #1: That’s big news!

Fan #3: Britney!

Britney’s Manager: Somebody stop her! Someone call the police!

Fan #4: Let’s all go down in the sewer!(Fans cheer)

Britney’s Manager: No, no, no, no…It’s too dangerous.

(Britney and Woodrow are shown in sewer)

Woodrow: Well, this is it. This is where I live.

Britney: It’s not so bad…I like the mailbox!

Woodrow: Oh I stole that ’cause it had secrets about me.

Britney: You know what? Sometimes I’d like to steal a mailbox.

Woodrow: Oh you’re just sayin’ that.

Britney: I know.

Woodrow: Say Britney, I was wondering…

Britney: What?

Woodrow: Well your always singing for everyone else and I wrote this, this song and I thought…

Britney: Aw that’s so sweet…Yes, please I’d love to hear it.

Woodrow: I got it right here. I mean it’s no “Oops I Did It Again” but…

Britney: Just sing it!

Woodrow: (singing)
Little TV sets, goin’ off inside my ear
Spaceman floating by
Firecracker beer
Chased a demon’s lightning
Music hits your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a Doo Doo Pie
I Love You

Britney: Oh my gosh that was so beautiful.

Woodrow: You mean it?

Britney: I do. It was really nice.

Woodrow: I kinda wrote it at a really crazy time in my life. You really like it?

Britney: I love it.

Woodrow: I love you.

Britney: I love you too.

(As Woodrow and Britney are about to kiss…)

Britney’s Manager (From Above) Britney! Britney Spears. Are you down there in the sewer?

Britney: It’s my manager…

Britney’s Manager: (From Above) We’re coming to get you.

Woodrow: You better go.

Britney: I can’t! I wanna stay with you. Down here in the sewer.

Woodrow: Shhhh. No, the world up there needs you. You go.

Britney: I’ll see you Woodrow…

Woodrow: So long Britney…

(Britney climbs up ladder out of sewer)

Woodrow: (singing)
Chased a demon’s lightning.
Music hits your eye.
Up and down the sidewalk.
Take a Doo Doo Pie.
I Love You.

(fade)

Submitted by: Andrew Gould

SNL Transcripts