Category: 1999

Air Date:

Hosts:

Musical Guest:





Special Guests:
September 26th, 1999

None

Eurythmics

Beastie Boys with Elvis Costello

Rev. Al Green

Bill Murray

Paul Shaffer

Dan Aykroyd

Laraine Newman

Garrett Morris

Chris Rock

Tom Hanks

Garth Brooks

Jon Lovitz

Sarah Michelle Geller

James van der Beek

Christopher Walken

Victoria Jackson

Paul Simon

Chevy Chase

Martin Short

Steve Martin

David Bowie

Jerry Seinfeld

Molly Shannon

Cheri Oteri

Adam Sandler

Rob Smigel

Jim Downey

Tim Herlihy

Billy Crystal

Mike Myers

Lorne Michaels

Tim Meadows

Kevin Spacey

Jan Hooks

Sting

Steven Tyler

Candice Bergen

Lily Tomlin

David Spade

Will Ferrell

Ana Gasteyer

Dennis Miller

Norm MacDonald

Alec Baldwin

Eurythmics, greatest hits medley

Beastie Boys with Elvis Costello, “Radio, Radio”

Rev. Al Green, greatest hits medley

Nick the Lounge Singer

Nick Thinblood (Bill Murray) opens for Jimmy Joe Red Sky’s (Dan Aykroyd) casino.

Recurring Characters: Nick “Thinblood”, Jimmy Joe Red Sky.

Chris Rock’s Monologue

Rock makes fun of the quality of movies made by SNL performers.

Schmitt’s Gay

(Repeat) See: 09/28/91.

Tom Hanks Audience Q&A

Tom Hanks unintentionally answers questions from the audience.

1995-1999 Highlights

Clips include: Spartan Cheerleaders, Roxbury Guys and The Ladies Man.

Paul Simon

Paul Simon introduces clips of SNL’s musical guest clips from the 70’s.

70’s Musical Guest Highlights

Clips include: Billy Preston, ABBA, The Rolling Stones and Blondie.

The Three Amigos

Steve Martin and Martin Short don’t dress as Three Amigos with Chevy Chase.

1975-1980 Highlights

Clips include: Wolverines, Right To Extreme Stupidity and The French Chef.

John Belushi Tribute

Dan Aykroyd and Laraine Newman introduce “Luck of the Irish” clip.

Seinfeld/Bowie

Next week’s act, Jerry Seinfeld and David Bowie, make awkward banter.

The Eurythmics perform a medley of their songs

Gilda Radner Tribute

Cheri Oteri and Molly Shannon introduce “Nerds Make Out” clip.

Adam Sandler

Writers Rob Smigel, Jim Downey and Tim Herlihy help Adam Sandler speak.

80’s Musical Guest Highlights

Clips include: Prince, Duran Duran, Don Henley and Aerosmith.

Fernando

Fernando (Bill Crystal) roasts members of SNL’s celebrity audience.

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

1980-1985 Highlights

Clips include: Ebony & Ivory, Ed Grimley, Donny & Marie and Inside Out.

Dr. Evil

Mike Myers insists that Dr. Evil isn’t based on Lorne Michaels.

Mike Myers

Mike Myers recalls being the new guy in an acclamied cast.

1985-1990 Highlights

Clips include: Church Chat, Mr. Subliminal, Pat Stevens and Sweeney Sisters.

Phil Hartman Tribute

1986-1990 cast introduce “Love Is A Dream” clip.

Sting/Steven Tyler

Sting admits to having a decade-long orgasm during the 90’s.

90’s Musical Guest Highlights

Clips include: REM, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Nirvana, Madonna and Beck.

Bergen/Tomlin

Candice Bergen and Lily Tomlin’s sitcom history dates back to hosting in the 70’s.

1990-1995 Highlights

Clips include: Chippendale’s, Richmeister, Wayne’s World and Coffee Talk.

Chris Farley Tribute

David Spade introduces Paul McCartney “Chris Farley Show” clip.

The Culps

Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) warm up audience.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobby Mohan-Culp.

Beastie Boys & Elvis Costello perform “Radio Radio”

Weekend Update

Chevy Chase and Dennis Miller disagree on who’s the better Update anchor.

Norm MacDonald wonders why he didn’t get an invitation to the anniversary.

Weekend Update Highlights

Clips include: Emily Litella, Point/Counterpoint, Hollywood Minute and Operaman.

Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin talks about making fun of boss Lorne Michaels.

TV Funhouse

Lorne Michaels bores audience, hawks merchandise and sings of his greatness.

Meadows/Morris

Tim Meadows and Garrett Morris talk about the black man’s role on SNL.

Rev. Al Green performs a greatest hits medley

Cast Photo

Dan Aykroyd organizes the studio audience for an official cast photo.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 6th, 2000

John Goodman

Neil Young

None

Kevin Brennan
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Celebrity EditionSummary: Celebrities vie for the million dollar grand prize.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Emeril Lagasse, Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O’Donnell, Lance Bass.

Transcript

Montage

John Goodman’s Monologue

Platinum Mach 14Summary: The 14-bladed razor gives the closest shave since 1975’s revolutionary Triple-Trac.

Wanna Be a VJ 3Recurring Characters: Carson Daly.

The Office SkankSummary: Adele (Cheri Oteri), the office skank, flirts with her co-workers in the break room and drops sexual innuendos.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel explores the life of a catchphrase.

The Christopher Lowell ShowSummary: Christopher Lowell (Chris Kattan) and his fey panel of experts give foppish decorating tips.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Razor Love”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Rock & Roll Paradise

The Bloder BrothersSummary: Bloder brothers Kip (Jimmy Fallon) and Wayne (Chris Parnell) are pulled over for a DUI.

Recurring Characters: Kip Bloder, Wayne Bloder.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Silver & Gold”

Tek-CoSummary: THe appliance pirates use to test the validity of gold coins.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Office Skank

Joe…..Chris Parnell
Tim…..Tim Meadows
Chris…..Chris Kattan
John…..John Goodman
Temp…..Rachel Dratch

Adele: Hey Fellas, who’s mixin’ up the testosterone? Cause believe me, I could use a shot, or three!

Joe: [annoyed] Hi Adele. Is that a tube top you’re wearing?

Adele: Good eye. Just a little elastic basket to hold my peaches. Would you like some nectar, Hector?

Joe: You know my name is Joe.

Adele: Mmm, I could use me a cup of joe right now. And by joe, I mean a cup of your man milk. I’m talkin’ about your semen!

Joe: Yeah I got it Adele; man milk could only mean one thing.

Adele: Yeah? Well this boy’s got one thing in his pants that’d Id like to wrap my sweaty little mitts around. I’m talking about putting my hands on you penis.

Tim: Yes, and again there’s no confusion there. Adele, we got it thanks.

Adele: Well speaking of getting it, I’m going to head over to the old icebox and get my oyster platter. [Walks away] What cha’ looking at fellas, it is broke? Well whoever wants to fix it can use his wrench. And by wrench I mean that wrinkly thing you urinate out of or have sex with.

Chris: We know what you’re talking about, all right?! Just keep walking!

[John enters]

John: Hey guys, nice job on that Anderson report. [Sees Adele] Oh my God! Hi Adele, you drop something?

Adele: Huh? Well now that you’re around I’m hoping to drop something. I was talking about my panties. You see I would have to take them off for you see my naked genitalia.

John: Yeah I got it Adele, now please just let me get my lunch, eat it and then toss it up.

Adele: You know what you could toss mine with?

John: What?

Adele: Dem’ meatballs you’re hiding in those kakis. I’m talking about your testicles.

John: Thanks Adele. I’m going to tell you something; you are very bad at innuendo.

Adele: Oh really? Well I want you bad in my end-o. I’m talking you nailing my butt!

John: Duh, OK is that what you meant? I had no idea. You know, sexual harassment goes both ways.

Adele: Oh I go both ways baby! Sure, is this what your talking about? Cause this is what I’m talking about.

Temp: [surprised] I’m just a temp!

Adele: Oh yea we could make our sandwich, with us as the bun and you as the hot dog. And by hot dog, I mean that dirty, man-meat; dangling betwix’d your legs.

John: Yeah. Adele, again there was no question about to what your were referring to. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you, you’re very, very unprofessional.

Adele: Unprofessional? Well maybe I should get professional and make you pay me to rub your boner. And by boner, I mean hard pee-pee.

John: By pee-pee, are you referring to urine or the actual member itself?

Adele: Ha-ha that’s a good question. I’ll have to get back to you on that. If anyone needs me I’ll be in my office. [Starts to leave and stops] Ooo, and by office, I mean that room down the hall with the waterbed and the KY. Why? Oh you’ll see! You’ll see!

[End Scene]

Submitted by: Bree-Marie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Bloder Brothers

Wayne Bloder….Chris Parnell
Kip Bloder….Jimmy Fallon
White Cop….John Goodman
Black Cop….Tim Meadows

(Opens with a cop car wailing its siren and pulling over a car to the side of the road at night. Perm haired brothers Kip and Wayne sit beside their car on a guardrail. A big white cop approaches them with a flashlight, his partner, a black cop, is behind him.)

White Cop: You gentlemen know you´re not supposed to get out of your vehicle until we tell ya´?

Wayne: Oh-oh, book us Dan-O!

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Do you want us to get back in?

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Forget it. You boys have any idea why we pulled you over?

Wayne: Don´t worry officer or should I say “occifer”. I´m not as think as you drunk I am.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: That´s right. We only had tee martoonis.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: He´s my designated driver. He drives me to drink.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: I don´t have a drinking problem. I drink, no problem.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: I´m sorry officers. My brother and I are a couple of cutups but I assure you, we´re completely sober.

Black Cop: Yeah, but you guys were 10 miles over the speed limit.

Kip: We were singing some golden oldies and got a little jazzed up.

Wayne: We just got off work. Would you guys like to guess what we do for a living?

Black Cop: Chia pets?

Wayne and Kip: Ooooohhhh!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!

White Cop: You sell home perm kits?

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Good guesses, but wrong.

Kip: We caliber thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

(Wayne and Kip bang a rhythm on the guardrail and sing their jingle)

Wayne:(sing) You got 10,000 pounds of beef to be cool…

Kip:(sing) Here my friends is the only rule…

Wayne and Kip:(sing) Call the Bloder Brothers!

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Boy, if there were ever a reason for police brutality, this would be it.

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!(laugh)

White Cop: Ok Bloder brothers, can I see your license and registration?

Wayne: You can see me naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: You can see us both naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: We´ll dance the naked jig, if you want. You got the guns.

Black Cop: (getting angry) Just the license would be fine.

(Wayne gives his wallet to the white cop)

White Cop: You´re Wayne Bloder?

Wayne: Guilty.(giggles)

Kip: I´m the other Bloder, Kip.

(Brothers laugh)

(The Bloder Brothers do robot moves)

Wayne and Kip: (robot voices) And…we…are…the…Bloder…Brothers.

Black Cop: You guys think you´re really funny, don´t you?

Wayne: No, just good looking.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Book these guys for public nuisance.

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Ouch! Help! I´ve been wounded.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Officers, I´d like to report an insult.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: (menacingly) You guys know what a nightstick is?

Wayne and Kip: Oh Boy!! (laugh)

White Cop: All right, stand up for me, Wayne.

Wayne: Oh, you got it. (Stands up)

White Cop: Ok, interlock your fingers behind your head Mr. Bloder.(Wayne complies and the white cop pats him down) Spread your legs.

Wayne: Oh, I didn´t think I was gonna get any tonight.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Hey, aren´t you guys gonna buy him dinner first?

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Be gentle, I´m a first timer.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: (slaps the nightstick on his hand) You´re gonna need to shut your mouth, Mr. Bloder.

Wayne and Kip: Za-Zing!!(laugh)

Black Cop: Just shut up and walk a straight line!

Wayne: I´d like to use one of my lifelines if I could.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: And that is his final answer.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop:(angry) Walk a straight line!

(Wayne walks the line)

Wayne: I´ve been striking out with the ladies lately so I´m a little fuzzy on the meaning of “straight”.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we strike out one more time, you can call us Sigfried and Roy.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: Bloder brothers! Zip it! Final Warning!

Wayne and Kip: (quietly) Hi-yo.

White Cop: Mr. Bloder, pull out your arms, touch your nose.

(Wayne touches his nose and starts humming circus music)

Black Cop: Hey!!

Wayne: I didn´t say anything!

White Cop: What is your problem? We´re this close to taking you downtown, throwing you in a holding tank and let me tell you, it ain´t no party, so STOP LAUGHING!!

Wayne: (meekly) A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.

Kip: (meekly) Doctor, doctor, give me the news.

Black Cop: (dead serious) I´m gonna take this nightstick and hit you in the head.

Wayne: (voice breaking) Heads up. Oh, God.(cries)

Kip: (crying) Up, up and away.

(Wayne and Kip laugh and cry at the same time)

White Cop: I can´t believe this. You guys are a mess. Look at you. Laughing and crying at the same time.

Black Cop: Lets just let them go. Can you imagine driving back to the station with these two guys in the backseat?

White Cop: Fine by me. (gives Wayne back his wallet) Word of advice: slow it down, pull it together. (leaves)

Black Cop: (angry) I wish you guys were drunk, it would give me an excuse. (leaves)

Wayne: That was a close one.

Kip: Maybe that guy was right.

Wayne: Right about what?

Kip: I wish we were drunk too.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Want to go on a 3-day bender?

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we do it in the car, it´ll be a fender-bender.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!

(The Bloder Brothers get back in their car)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Christopher Lowell Show

Christopher Lowell…..Chris Kattan
Helen Gerard…..Ana Gasteyer
Ed Gerard…..John Goodman
Patrick Clifford…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: You’re watching the Discovery Channel.

Christopher Lowell: (in gay voice) I’m ChristopherLowell. Today we’ll teach you how to give your trash afaaabulous makeover. Well, stay tuned. We’ll give youlots of ideas on how on turning trash into treasure…nee-ee! On today’s Christopher Lowell Show!

(theme music plays)

Christopher Lowell: (gruff) Hi… (sissy) everyone!(normal gay voice) I’m Christopher Lowell. Today we’regoing to show you how to turn yesterday’s trashonablesinto unique fashionables! Ah-ah! Mmm. Because there’snothing better than enhancing your home by convertinguseless furniture into conversation pieces! Joining ustoday are the owners of Not Too Shab-by, a designstore just outside of San Diego, California, Ed andHelen Gerarrrd!!!

(Helen and Ed walk on the set. Ed looks just likeChristopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Welcome. Wow! So, how are you guysdoing?

Helen Gerard: Fine, thanks.

Ed Gerard: (in Christopher’s voice) Hi, Christopher.

Christopher Lowell: Hi-iii! So, you two are married,right?

Helen Gerard: Uh-huh.

Ed Gerard: Fourteen years. Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Nee-ee! I know how that feels. NO,I DON’T! Anyway, so, Helen, how did you two getinvolved in interior design?

Helen Gerard: Well, I’m an artist, specializing indecoupage.

Ed Gerard: And I used to work at Crate and Barrel.

Christopher Lowell: (gasps) Me too!

(Christopher and Ed scream)

Ed Gerard: That is super!

Christopher Lowell: Super-superrr!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah! Anyway, focus, focus,focussss. Now, Helen, tell us about your store, NotToo Shab-by.

Helen Gerard: Well, Christopher, we buy old furnitureand knicknacks from garage sales and flea markets, andthen we alter each item into an artistic piece for thehome.

Ed Gerard: Forrr example, this 19th century tea tablefrom China, is made of “muflabi,” which is a tropicalhardwood.

Christopher Lowell: (sarcastic) Hmm, tea for two.Nee-ee!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah! Anyway, we spruced it up for ourhome by box-painting the surfaccce, and then weattached little googly eyes we found at the statefair.

Christopher Lowell: So, it’s kind of like… it’s likea tea table? But, you can show it like a shelf piece,like, hang it up on your bathroom wall.

Ed Gerard: AAAAH!

Helen Gerard: What? What?

Ed Gerard: That’s exactly what we diddddd!

Christopher Lowell: That is so weird!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm, really weirddd.

Christopher Lowell: Now, anyway, in my bedroom, I gotone of those 1940’s vintage telephones that I got at afleeea markettttt. But, to bring out the warmth of mybedroom, I wrapped the phone in this gorgeous Frenchlinen fabric. Ooh.

Ed Gerard: AAH! We covered our toaster in fabric, too!

Christopher Lowell: Please tell me it was chenille!

Ed Gerard: Yesssss!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mm!

Helen Gerard: (chuckles) I’m sorry, I just feel likeyou guys are having your own conversation and I don’tfeel like I’m part of it.

(Ed and Christopher stare at her, confused)

Christopher Lowell: Okay… (his beard is coming off)well, then, let’s just bring out our next guest. He’scurrently teaching a course… (beard is still comingoff) I haven’t looked in the mirror all day, so…(talks as beard is coming off) he’s currently teachinga course in interior design at Cal State Northridge.Please welcome, Patrick Clifforddd!

(Patrick Clifford enters. He also looks likeChristopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Patrick, what do you have for ustodayyy?

Patrick Clifford: Well, I took an old, dirty toiletseat that I found in the back of a Dairy Queen, turnedit into a decorative centerpiece by hustling somemacaroni along the border and sprinkling it with someglitter.

Christopher Lowell: (confused) Gorgeous… (beard isstill coming off) Helen, Ed, would you uh, like to addanything?

Helen Gerard: Sure. I just want to say that no matterwhat style you decorate your personal space with, itis important to mix and match.

Patrick Clifford: Mix and match? That’s exactly what Itold my students!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Patrick Clifford: Mmm-mmm!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mmm!

Patrick Clifford: Ah-ah!

(Christopher, Ed, and Patrick constantly continuemaking gay noises)

Helen Gerard: Guys, would you guys just STOP IT? Getyour hands out of your mouths! Stop! Jeez!

(theme music starts, gay noises stop)

Christopher Lowell: Ohh! That’s our cue! Hurry back!

(gay noises resume, Helen yells at Christopher, Ed,and Patrick until fade)

submitted by: Downloader12

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire: Celebrity Edition

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Emeril Lagasse…..John Goodman
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
David Duchovny…..Chris Kattan
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Cheri Oteri
Vanessa L. Williams…..Tim Meadows
Lance Bass…..Chris Parnell

[The “Millionaire” title card appears and then fades to set where Regis is standing.]

Regis Philbin: Thank you, thank you. Wonderful. Thank you, thank you, thank you, everybody. Welcome to “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Now, you know, tonight is a very special show. Tonight, some very talented celebrities have joined us to raise some money for their favorite charities. They are: Emeril Lagasse, Fall River, Minnesota. Rosie O’Donnell, Commack, New York. David Duchovny, New York City. Kathie Lee Gifford, Bowie, Maryland. Vanessa L. Williams, Chappequa, New York. Lance Bass, Flash in the Pan, Florida. All right, how we feeling, gang?

Rosie O’Donnell: Regis rules! You’re a cutie patootie, Regis!

Kathie Lee Gifford: Take it down a notch, chub club. Ha ha! Ha ha!

Rosie O’Donnell: I love her! I love her!

[The screen fades to read this message:]DISNEY HAS
TAKEN ABC AWAY
FROM YOU

Disney has once again
decided to punish
Time Warner cable
customers by cancelling
ABC. In response, we
at Time Warner will
construct a giantic
Mickey Mouse and piss
all over it. Screw you,
Disney. You may own
ABC, but we’ve got a
little company maybe
you’ve heard of called
<u>AOL?</u> And kudos for
basing your entire
primetime schedule
on a f**king game show.

[Fade back to studio]

Regis Philbin: Now, all right. Okay, that’s $1000 for you so far, David Duchovny. Now, you’re playing for the Johns Hopkins University Children’s Hospital. What do they specialize in?

David Duchovny: Children.

[The screen fades again to read this message:]DISNEY HAS
TAKEN YOUR DIGNITY
AWAY FROM YOU

Michael Eisner, I swear
to God, we at Time
Warner are going to
beat your fat ass with
a garden shovel…
P.S., “Dharma and Greg”
sucks!

[Fade back to the studio.] [SUPER: Who was the last horse to win the Triple Crown? A: Man of War, B: Secretariat, C: Seattle Slaw, D: Affirmed]

Regis Philbin: Oh, come on, come on,Kathie Lee, we’re waiting for your answer.

Kathie Lee Gifford: I don’t know the damn answer, Reege. Okay? So just shut your trap and get me one of my lifelines.

Regis Philbin: I guess you’re going to call your husband, Frank Gifford.

Kathie Lee Gifford: No. Little secret about Frank – great in the sack, but not a bright man. Let’s call Gelman. That little fruit knows everything.

Regis Philbin: All right, AT&T, get Gelman on the line.

[phone rings and Gelman comes on the line]

Gelman: Hello?

Regis Philbin: Gelman, this is Regis. The next voice you will hear will be that of Satan!

Kathie Lee Gifford: Ha ha! Reege, I really don’t like you.

Regis Philbin: All right.

[The screen fades again with another message:]DISNEY HAS
TAKEN RUNNING WATER
AWAY FROM YOU

If you are a Time
Warner customer, start
hoarding bottled water.

[Fade back to studio.]

Regis Philbin: Now, Emeril, are you ready to play?

Emeril Lagasse: Bam! Bam! Pow! Bam!

Regis Philbin: Ha ha ha ha! That’s wonderful.

[The screen fades to this Scandinavian message:]DISNEY HAS
TAKEN DENMARK AWAY
FROM SCANDINAVIA

Orst Kirgokg tak Juden
vibeke lein arhus
neilsson Time Warner
asboeten.

[Fade back to studio.]

Regis Philbin: Is it: A, Colonel Mustard. B, Montreal, Quebec. C, Lethal Injection, or D, Cunnilingus?

[The screen fades again to another message:]THE ‘I LOVE YOU’ COMPUTER
VIRUS HAS
SHUT DOWN DISNEY

How does it feel to
be shut down, Disney,
huh? Suck on that!

[Fade back to studio.]

Regis Philbin: Vanessa L. Williams, I see that – I see that you’re expecting, and congratulations. You look absolutely radiant.

Vanessa L. Williams: Would you quit staring at my jugs?

[The screen fades one more time to reveal this message:]DISNEY HAS
TAKEN ELIAN GONZALEZ
AWAY FROM HIS FATHER

6-year old Cuban
refugee Elian Gonzalez
has been kidnapped by
Disney and is being
forced to appear in the
movie, “Toy Story 3”.

[Fade back to studio.]

Regis Philbin: Lance Bass from *NSYNC, for $250,000, what is the question – the answer to this question? Where will you be in five years: A, Still with *NSYNC. B, A solo artist. C, Homeless. D, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 13th, 2000

Britney Spears

Britney Spears

None

Sarah Michelle Geller

Cheri Oteri’s mother
Guiliani’s Press ConferenceSummary: Hillary Clinton (Ana Gasteyer) speaks out in favor of Mayor Rudolph Guiliani’s (Darrell Hammond) extramarital affair.

Recurring Characters: Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Britney Spears’ MonologueSummary: Britney Spears denies rumors that she lip-syncs and has breast implants.

Also Hosted: 01l.

Transcript

Gap FatSummary: A fat dancer (Horatio Sanz) leads other fat dancers in a musical campaign for the Gap’s new XXL wear collection.

Transcript

Morning LatteSummary: Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) and a hoarse Cass van Rye (Cheri Oteri) interview Mickey Mouse Club reject Dawn Paslowsky (Britney Spears).

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Transcript

Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) joke around with the milk maiden (Britney Spears) at a coloniel museum.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In a Rob Smigel cartoon, The Ambiguously Gay Duo foil a Big Head plot at the NBA Finals.

Transcript

WoodrowSummary: Britney Spears enjoys a romantic moment in the sewer with Woodrow the homeless bum (Tracy Morgan).

Recurring Characters: Woodrow.

Transcript

Britney Spears performs “Oops!…I Did It Again”Also Performed: 01l, 03c.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: A shy Chris Parnell raps about his dream date with Britney Spears.

Recurring Characters: James Haven Voight, Angelina Jolie, Qrplt*xk.

Transcript

The DeMarco BrothersSummary: Brothers Kyle (Chris Kattan) and Sean DeMarco (Chris Parnell) perform bad dance moves while auditioning for Britney Spears.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

Transcript

America’s Worst MomentsSummary: From Elian Gonzalez to Oliver North, America’s worst moments are commemorated on a series of decorative plates.

Transcript

Deandra Wells Comeback TourSummary: Diva Deandra Wells (Ana Gasteyer) mocks the members of her back-up band (Will Ferrell, Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz) during her big comeback tour.

Recurring Characters: Deandra Wells, Gordon Davis, Alan “Sticks” McRae, Donny Gordon.

Transcript

Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash LiquorNote: Repeat from 02/05/00.

Britney Spears performs “Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Boston Teens

St. Pauly Girl…..Britney Spears
Denise…..Racel Dratch
Pat Sullivan…..Jimmy Fallon
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

[ set at a Colonial Museum, and shown from the cameraman’s point-of-view, following each teenager as they speak ]

St. Pauly Girl: [ hands tight on a butter churner ] This is the way the Colonial settlers made their butter, with fresh cream and a little bit of salt. It would take almost four hours just to get one quart of butter. Would anyone like to take a churn?

Denise: Yeah! Over here! Let him do it! He’s got a lot fo practice!

Pat Sullivan: [ laughing ] Yeah! I’m familiar ith the motion!

Denise: Yeah! He churns it about four times a day!

St. Pauly Girl: Okay, come on up!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!

Pat Sullivan: [ running to the front of the crowd ] Hey, Tommy, get me churning next to the St. Pauly Girl!

St. Pauly Girl: What’s your name, Patriot?

Pat Sullivan: My name’s Pat Sullivan, and that’s my girl, Denise, over there!

Denise: Yeah! But call me “Zazou!“

Pat Sullivan: Alright, I’m on my Senior class trip, out here at Lexington, Mass., homestate of Paul Revere, John Hancock, and.. [ turns around to show off the back of his Red Sox jersey ] ..Nomar! Nomar!

St. Pauly Girl: Okay, you want to churn? [ Pat takes the handle and churns happily ] Ooh, wow.. [ feels his arms ] You’ve got strong arms. He would have definitely survived the hardships of a Colonial lifestyle.
Denise:
Hey! Martha Washington! I can’t understand a freakin’ word ya sayin’! That accent makes ya sound retodded!

Pat Sullivan: You are!

Denise: You are!

St. Pauly Girl: Both y’all are.

Pat Sullivan: Hey, uh, where’d you get that dress, Ye Olde House o’ Juggery?

St. Pauly Girl: Shut up, you’re messing me up. [ Pat mimcks the St. Pauly Girl’s breasts to the camera ] Okay, continue down to the next signpost, where Chris Paul’s gonna show you how to make johnny cakes. [ everyone leaves, except for Pat and Denise ] Bye. Bye, everyone. [ sits down ] Ugh! It is hot as a crotch out here.

Pat Sullivan: [ hands her a drink box ] Here! Drink this!

Denise: Yeah! It’s Wyler’s grape juice, Cognac, and wahm Tussin!

Pat Sullivan: Yeah! I call it the “Zazou Panty Remover”!

Denise: Oh, shut up!

Pat Sullivan: You shut up! [ they make out ]

St. Pauly Girl: My friends and I, we used to make a drink like this.

Pat Sullivan: Weird.

St. Pauly Girl: We used to put peanuts at the bottom of it..

Denise: [ outraged ] Peanuts?! No, Sir!

Pat Sullivan: No, Sir!

Denise: That is rank!

St. Pauly Girl: [ grabbing Pat’s arm ] Are you Irish? I like Irish guys.

Denise: Uh, yeah, he is! That’s why he bought me this claddagh! [ shows her ring to the camera ]

St. Pauly Girl: Oh, my goodness, that is so pretty.. you have good taste.

Pat Sullivan: Did you get that, Tommy?

St. Pauly Girl: [ curious ] Why are y’all taping this?

Pat Sullivan: Uh.. this is for our American Studies final..

Denise: Yeah, we’re supposed to write a report on the early settlers.

Pat Sullivan: Yeah, I do all my reports on video, because I suffer from several as-yet-unnamed learning disabilities.

Denise: He did not get proper nutrition during his toddler years!

Pat Sullivan: Swear to Gawd!

Denise: Yeah! His mother’s breastmilk’s like Bailey’s Irish Cream!

Pat Sullivan: That’s neither here nor there!

Denise: She’s no stranger to the inside of a squad car – believe me!

St. Pauly Girl: That’s so sad..

Denise: Hey! Is it hard to get a job here!

St. Pauly Girl: Hey, you don’t want to work here. The money sucks, and the guy who plays Thomas Jefferson is a total perv. There’s just no jobs around here.

Pat Sullivan: Yeah! The job market’s really ridiculous right now.

Denise: Yeah! I got fired from Thom McCann for using a foot measurer inappropriately!

Pat Sullivan: Apparently, my weiner is a ladies size 5! [ Denise makes out with him ]

Frank: [ stumbling up ] Denise! Denise! We missed the bus!

Denise: [ smacking Frank’s arm ] Frank, you were supposed to come get us!

Frank: I lost track of time. I went in the gift shop and bought this fafe! [ holds up a fife ]

Pat Sullivan: Tommy, we missed our bus!

Denise: Aw, crap!

Pat Sullivan: Aw!

Denise: No way!

Pat Sullivan: This is not happenin’!

Denise: Damn!

Pat Sullivan: This is not happenin’!

Denise: Seriously! [ notices Frank’s fife ] That is a sweet fife!

Frank: Yeah, I got it for my mom for Mom’s Day.

Pat Sullivan: [ to the St. Pauly Girl ] Alright, we are separated from our pahty. What would the early settlers have done?

St. Pauly Girl: Now, I mostly just know how to make butter.. but, um.. if you really get stuck, you could stay with me. Those two can sleep in the basement, but you can sleep on the floor in my room.

Denise: Ah.. not gonna happen, Betsy Rahss!

St. Pauly Girl: Uh.. maybe you wanna let him answer.

Pat Sullivan: Sorry, uh.. Milk Maiden.. you may be extremely hot.. but what my girl Zazou lacks in beauty, charm, polish, and general physical health, she makes up with her warm personality and her promisicuous sexual practices. And I love her.

Denise: You are so gay!

Pat Sullivan: You are. [ they make out ]

Frank: [ approaches the St. Pauly Girl ] What’s up? I’m Frank.

St. Pauly Girl: You’d better get going, ’cause my next group’s coming in, and I haven’t cleaned the cream off my pole yet.

Denise: [ excited ] The “cream off your pole”?!

Pat Sullivan: Tommy, please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy shakes the video camera “yes”, as Pat and Denise make out some more ] [ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

The Demarco Brothers

…..Britney Spears
Assistant…..Tim Meadows
Kyle Demarco…..Chris Kattan
Sean Demarco…..Chris Parnell
Dancer…..Ana Gasteyer

(Dancer finishes up audition)

Britney Spears: Uh, thank you, great moves. We’ll keep in touch alright?

Dancer: Ok, thank you

Britney Spears: Who’s next?

Assistant: Uh, Kyle Demarco, and his brother Sean Demarco

Kyle DeMarco: (furiously shaking Britney’s hand) Oh my God, Hi, Hi, how are you? Oh my God Hi, hi, nice to meet you

Sean DeMarco: Let me shake her hand.

Kyle DeMarco: Oh my God my heart’s going crazy

Sean DeMarco: Oh my God you just said “crazy” like her song

Kyle DeMarco: Oh my God, I totally did, I didn’t mean to do that, oh my God!

Assistant: Ok guys, calm down. Calm down guys

Britney Spears: Ok, look guys I’m going on tour very soon and I’m looking for dancers with a lot of energy.

Assistant: Right so, uh, let’s see what you guys got.

Kyle DeMarco: Ok…(referring to shirt) Give it up…

Sean DeMarco: For Britney…You know it…

Kyle DeMarco: TOTALLY! (laughs)

Britney Spears: Those are nice.

Sean DeMarco: We stayed up all night making them

Kyle DeMarco: Yeah we totally missed Felicity….ah ok ok ok

(They get a serious look on their faces and they turn to each other)

Kyle DeMarco: Freedom

Sean DeMarco: Freedom

Kyle DeMarco: Trust

Sean DeMarco: Trust

Kyle DeMarco: Wings

Sean DeMarco: Wings

Kyle DeMarco: Give it up!

Sean DeMarco: Woo!

(Beginning of “Oops, I Did it Again” plays then breaks into chorus-while that is playing, the Demarco Brothers are doing dance moves related to the lyrics of the song)

Kyle DeMarco: Oh my God,Oh my God you were so good

Sean DeMarco: No you were so good

Kyle DeMarco: I know totally I was, I was totally good I know that!

Britney Spears: That was really interesting guys, um, you wanna show me something else?

Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, if you just give us a second here we will. God, what is that?

Sean DeMarco: You ok-you ok?

Kyle DeMarco: Yeah I’m fine, I’m fine…how are my bangs?

Sean DeMarco: They could be longer-uh-how are my pot marks?

Kyle DeMarco: You can’t see them.

Britney Spears: You guys we really have a lot of other people to see-

Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, I know, ok, God, I know this, ok, God, what is this?…Ok…Let’s do this

Sean DeMarco: For Britney

Kyle DeMarco: (points to shirt) Totally!

(“You Drive Me Crazy” plays-the Brothers do motions to the sound of the bells with their heads and hips…Britney stops music)

Kyle DeMarco: Uh, oh, uuuuh!

Britney Spears: Ok, you guys were just wobbling

Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, ok and you just interrupted us. Thank you very much!

Assistant: You guys got something else you can show us?

Britney Spears: Yeah guys we’re really running out of time.

Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, ok Little Miss Pissy, how ’bout you watch your lip?!

Sean DeMarco: Hey Kyle!

Kyle DeMarco: I just don’t get it you know?

Sean DeMarco: Kyle?

Kyle DeMarco: What?

Sean DeMarco: Look at me. Look at me. You take that fire that’s going on inside of you right now, and you put it into the dance! Alright?

Kyle DeMarco: Ok, ok.

Sean DeMarco: Remember what Nanny Demarco said, “If you dream, dream out loud”

Kyle DeMarco: Ok.

Assistant: That’s really great you guys but, uh, we gotta keep this thing moving because if we don’t, I may have to shoot myself in the face.

Britney Spears: Yeah, you guys wannna try another number or something?

Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, we will, if you just give us a second ok? Uh, what, uh?

Sean DeMarco: I know, terrible.

(Puts on “Hit Me Baby One More Time” attire…plays song…Brothers start to dance around the table and then start spinning…Britney stops the music)

Britney Spears: Ok, you guys were just spinning. That was awful!

Kyle DeMarco: (crying)

Sean DeMarco: What do you want from us? Do you want us to BLEED?!

Kyle DeMarco: (crying) This business is so hard, it is so hard!

Sean DeMarco: I know, I know. Come on let’s just go buy some headbands or something ok?

Kyle DeMarco: Ok…YOU PEOPLE!!!

Assistant: Man those guys were terrible.

Britney Spears: Totally…oh my God!

Assistant: Well, the next audition isn’t for another hour, you wanna practice the new number?

Britney Spears: Yeah, sure.

Assistant: Alright.

(Turns on “You Drive Me Crazy”)

Assistant: Wobble, Wobble, Wobble, Wobble, Wobble, Wobble, now spin, spin, spin, yeah.

(fades to black)

Submitted by: Mia Velarde

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

TV Funhouse

Lead Dancer…..Horatio Sanz

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguoysly gay.
They’re ambiguoysly gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: “Trouble Coming Twice”.

[ open on the evil lair of Big Head and Dr. Brainio, as they admire a demonic metal bird ]

Big Head: It’s deliciously demonic, Dr. Brainio!

Brainio: Then, it is set. We shall release the creature at the NBA Championship, and address the world with our orders.

Big Head: And once we have outed those do-gooders, Ace and Gary, no one will stop us!

Brainio: Beg pardon? Outed them?

Big Head: Before the game. Tell him, Orbotrox!

Orbotrox: [ I heard they hang out at a bar called The Greasy Pole ]

Brainio: Oh, the gay thing. I suppose all partners are gay. Were Abbot & Costello gay?

Orbotrox: [ That’s different ]

Big Head: You know Laurel & Hardy were.

[ cut to Commissioner’s office, as he talks to Gary on the phone, with the Police Chief listening in intently ]

Commissioner: Ace! Gary! We think there may be foul play at the game tonight!

[ show Ace & Gary doing exercises, shirtless with their legs hanging in the air ]

Ace: We’ll be there, Commissioner.

Commissioner: Uh.. what are you doing right now? [ whispering ] The Chief asked.

Ace: Gary and I are in the middle of a hot workout.

Chief: You know what that means!

Commissioner: Quiet!

Ace: We’re doing some squat thrusts!

Commissioner: [ groans ]

Ace: We’ll have to go undercover and stay around the arena.

Gary: You got it, Ace!

[ Ace & Gary run off ] [ cut to Big Head and Brainio spying on gay bars The Greasy Pole and Man Hole ]

Big Head: They won’t see us from here.

Brainio: Hmm.. Orbotrox, I didn’t know you were such an expert on gay bars..

Orbotrox: [ Back off, Dickweed! It’s research. ] [ cut to Ace & Gary disguised as an Indian and a biker, walking past gay bars like the Oily Faucet ]

Ace: These disguises are perfect, Gary! No one will recognize us as an Indian Chief and a bike enthusiast.

Big Head: [ watching in hiding ] Halleluah!

Orbotrox: [ Ha! Friggin’ ‘mos! ]

Ace: Let’s blend in – at one of these watering holes.

[ Ace & Gary enter a sports bar called O’Hetero’s ]

Brainio: Nice call, evil geniuses.

Orbotrox: [ Kiss my ass! We’ve got a Plan B! ] [ Ace & Gary run out of O’Hetero’s, as bottles are thrown in their direction ]

Gary: Why is everyone picking fights with us, Ace?

Ace: I’m afraid the Native American has a few more hills to climb, friend o’ friends.

[ suddenly, they encounter Big Head and Brainio disguised as hookers ]

Big Head: Hey, big fellas! Here’s where you ought to go! We’ve got all ages and races! Right, Fung Lee?

Orbotrox: [ I’m hung like a… I can’t do this. ]

Ace: It’s Big Head!

Gary: And Brainio!

Brainio: Uh-oh.. [ presses a remote control, releasing the demonic bird above the NBA arena ] [ with the villains in the back of the supermobile ] You scoundrel! You’re coming with us!

Big Head: Care to re-assess?

[ the demonic bird crashes into the NBA Championships, where it begins to chew on Bob Costas ] [ Ace & Gary blast their phallic-shaped supermobile into the arena to save the day ]

Ace: The tender balls of heat will slow him down!

[ balls of heat burst out the shaft of the supermobile, and stick upon the demonic bird’s long neck ]

Brainio: [ mortified ] Oh.. my.. God..

Orbotrox: [ Oh, my God. ]

Ace: Try and disable his beak, Gary.

[ Ace sits on the bird’s back, as Gary compresses the beak and blows air into it ]

Ace: Harder, Gary.. harder! Grip it! Slap it!

[ Gary is now straddled around the bird’s neck, as he continues to grip its beak ]

Ace: That’s it! Yes! Rock it, Gary!

Gary: That’s enough, big guy!

[ the crowd stares in horror at the scene ]

Ace: What’s everyone looking at?

Crowd: Nothing!!

Announcer: Have Ace & Gary saved the NBA?

[ preview Ace & Gary entering team locker room, where players are clad only in towels ]

Ace: Coby. Shaq. Everyone okay in here?

[ nervous ] Um.. yeah.. we’re cool..

Announcer: Tune in next week, same ambiguous time for..

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

SNL Transcripts