SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: The Culps

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbie Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows

Senor Franklin: Hola Estudiantes. Me llamo Senor Franklin. I am Senor Franklin. Your Spanish teacher. I hope your enjoying the fair. But I do want to say to the persons or personas who disrupted the jugglers by throwing taco meat at them, no es comica. NOT FUNNY! In fact i am Muy Furioso! Very Furious! Muy Furioso! That’s no way to treat our custodian 4 days before he retires. No es Frio, people not cool. Alright at any rate, not that you deserve it, we have a musical treat for you from the music department to instruct and entertain you. Please welcome the Merry Wanderers!

(taco meat is thrown at Senor Franklin from offside.)


(Bobbi and Marty enter stage with a Medieval tune playing in backround and wearing medieval costumes.)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. whoops we got a real hot mic here. can we adjust the treble on this one?

Marty Culp: Anyone? can we adjust it?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Is there an AVÂ peasant?

Both: AV peasant in the village? Out on a pilgrimage? Ok.

Marty Culp: Good day Lords and Ladies. I’m Marty Culp and milady,

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’m Bobbi Mohan-Culp. What a way to send off a bunch of almost High schoolers with a fantastical all day mandatory renaissance fair.

Marty Culp: Boy! Look at all those great costumes out there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I didn’t realize renaissance folk wore so many garments from Ambernathie and Flitch.

( mic screeches)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Treble’s a little tinny.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got an AV knave?

Marty Culp: AV knave? No?

Marty Culp: there are a number of ways to make music in the renaissance era. And these funny looking instruments are part of the menstrual period.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We don’t learn anything if we’re laughing, people.

Marty Culp: No we don’t. We have a little surprise. The weaver from the junior college, Cheryl Hardwick, has offered to make a tunic for every 8th grader.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Isnt that a coup!

Both: Who cant wait to get their tunic?? That’ll be fun!

Marty Culp: You know that middle finger was extremely offensive even back at the battle of Bosworth, Bobby Van Rye.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And mooning was a sure fire way to loose your knighthood, Charlie Mckittrick.

Marty Culp: Anyway, in the spirit of this very, very fun day–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea its just been a gas–

Marty Culp: capital F.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea, really a gas for us.

Marty Culp: We’ve prepared a little musical history lesson, for what we know as the Golden Age of Funk! 1! 2! 3! 4!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: April is in thy mistress face!

Both: But in her heart! But in her heart! But in her heart a cold December–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: what a wench wants! What a wench needs! What ever makes her happy sets her free.

Marty Culp: And I thanking you for knowing that she’s no.

Both: Medieval woman! Do do do do do! Medieval woman! Do do do do do!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Renaissance if you want to do!

Marty Culp: You can leave the iron age behind.

Both: And if you can’t paint and if you can’t sculpt, then you’re no friend of mine!

Both: Renaissance! Renaissance!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And just like the ocean under the moon!

Marty Culp: That’s the same emotion that I get from you.

Both: You gotta kind of loving that makes me so smooth. Give me your heart make it real.

Marty Culp: Or else forget about it.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Let me see that thong!!

Marty Culp: what what, thighs like what what what?

Both: Baby move your butt butt butt. I think I’ll say it again!

Both: Dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt! I think I’ll say it again!

Both: oops I did it again.

Marty Culp: Invented movable type!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It led to a printing revolution!

Both: Pops the peasants can read!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Here comes the bubonic plague!

Marty Culp: You can’t read when your dead!

(Marty plays soft tune on keyboard and Senor Franklin plays flute in the backround)

Marty Culp: Senor Franklin on jazz flute.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Awoke last night to the sound of thunder–

Marty Culp: How far off I sat and wondered.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Started humming a song from 1523!

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Medieval woman

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves.

(they repeat those 2 last lines 4 more times)

Both: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?? Ain’t it funny how the night moves!!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Have a great time at the Ren Fair!

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: The Ladies Man

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Brandy Lane…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Wilma Slotsin…..Gina Gershon
…..Florence Henderson

Leon Phelps: I’m Leon Phelps, and welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries. How y’all doin’? That is good. I’m doin’ fine, I got my bottle of Couversier right here. Hey, you know what? I am in a very relaxed mood, for, you, see soon the moist days of summer will be upon us. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means that I, Leon Phelps, will be needing to choose a new summertime skank. Now, I have narrowed my choices down to three very charming, very talented, very skanky individuals.. and tonight, we are gonna play “Who Wants To Be My Skank?” [ walks over to the set ] Alright, then. So let’s meet the contestant. Contestant #1 is a bus station skank. She makes her living by selling her underwear to perverts on the Internet. Sayhello to Brandy Lane.

Brandy Lane: [ walks out and sits ] Hi, Leon!

Leon Phelps: What is hapenin’, Brandy? Skanktestant #2 hails fromGary, Indiana. She is currently unemployed, but is living comfortably offa settlement she won for a leaky boob implant. Say hello to Wilma Slotsin.

Wilma Slotsin: [ walks out and sits ] Hey, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Hey, hello there, Miss Slotsin! And last, but not least,contestant #3 is the host of a very popular morning show here on NBC called”Later Today”. Please welcome Florence Henderson.

Florence Henderson: [ walks out and sits ] Leon, it is so nice tosee again!

Leon Phelps: It is so nice to see you, too, Flossie baby! So, ladies,are you ready to skank it up?

[ the three skanks cheer wildly ]

Florence Henderson: Let’s get skanky!

Leon Phelps: Yeah! Okay, Skank #1: “If you were an article ofclothing, what would you be?”

Brandy Lane: Well, Leon, I’m very warm, and very giving, and veryopen.. so I’d probably be a pair of crotchless panties!

Leon Phelps: [ near tears ] That is so beautiful! Skank #2: “Whatkind of clothing would you be?”

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. I’d probably be an old sneaker, because Idon’t mind being tied up, and I smell rank!

Leon Phelps: Ooohhhh! That is skanky! Okay, next question,Skank #3. I think it is important to think about your future, so let meask you this: “How skanky do you think you will be in five years?”

Florence Henderson: Oh, very skanky! When the world seeswhat I can really do with a bottle of Wesson Oil, well.. You knowwhat, Leon? I’m gonna be able to outskank Carmen Electra!

Leon Phelps: Ooh, Miss Wessonality! That is very good. Now, Skank#2: “If you could do one thing to make this a better world, what would youdo?”

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. it has always been my dream to wipe out all ofthe world’s diseases.. but I think that I should focus mainly on the onesthat itch my crotch.

Leon Phelps: Yea-heh! Listen, I’m very sorry about giving you that.

Florence Henderson: Oh, actually, Leon, I should apologize -I gave it to you first.

Leon Phelps: Listen, no apologies necessary, Flo-ho. It wasworth it! Now, here’s one for all of you: “Where is the most unusual placeyou have ever whoopie?” Skank #1?

Brandy Lane: Hmm.. that would be in the butt.. ler’s pantry..of the Playboy Mansion!

Leon Phelps: Intriguing, yeah! Skank #2?

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. I did it once in the ass.. pen, Coloradobus station.

Leon Phelps: That is fabulous, yeah! Skank #3: “What is the mostunusual place that you have ever done it?”

Florence Henderson: [ laughing ] That’s easy, Leon.. right down theold Hershey Highway! Yeah, just outside of Hershey, Pennsylvania!

[ Winner’s Bell rings ]

Leon Phelps: I think we have a winner! Skank #3, I am veryimpressed! How about a big hand for all of our skanks, everybody? Isn’tthat lovely? Well, that is all the time we have for “Who Wants To Be MySkank?” Ladies?

All: [ blow a kiss to the audience ] “Live, from New York, it’sSaturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts