Britney Spears: I want to say a very special thanks to Sarah Michelle Gellar – the cast, for making me feel so comfortable – and everyone for coming out. Thank you, guys!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you all for coming. As you know, this has been a chaotic time, it’s been a difficult time for me. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, which, I guess, is the closest I’ll ever come to playing for the Yankees! [ laughs ] But I’m confident about my recovery. I’ve got a team of doctors who are gonna get in there and really treat my rectum like it’s Time Square. That’s right – we’re gonna clean it up, we’re gonna get the bad element out, we’re gonna make it a healthy place, safe for families to visit. Now, earlier this week, I surprised my wife with an early Mother’s Day gift by announcing our seperation. I prefer to spend time with my good friend, Judith Nathan. And to my critics, who accuse me of leaving my wife for a younger, more beautiful woman: I assure you, Judith Nathan is 46 and not that good looking. Now, you can see that, with all that is going on in my private life, politics is not my top priority. In fact, these are my top priorities:
#1. Fix my prostate.
#2. Hang out at cigar bars with my new lady.
#3. Blindside my wife with an announcement about the fate of our family.
#4. Root hard for the Yankees!
#5. Get my cops to stop shooting all the black people.
[ laughs ] I’m here to decide whether I will remain in the Senate race. But I wish to thank everyone for their outpouring of support – even my opponent, Hillary Clinton, has been extremely supportive. In fact, she has asked to say a few words on my behalf. Hillary?
[ Hillary Clinton steps up to the podium ]
Hillary Clinton: Good afternoon, fellow New Yorkers. I stand behind Rudy’s decision to prioritize his private life. These.. things.. happen! People work long hours together, attachments are made, indescretions happen – repeatedly. Marital infidelity strikes in over 50% in American households, and over 97% of political households. Just look at Newt Gingrich.. John McCain.. Bob Packwood.. Clarence Thomas.. Chuck Robb.. Dick Morris.. Gary Hart.. Henry Cisneros.. that guy before Dennis Hastert.. and of course, the one that brought me great personal anguish – Henry Hyde. Rudy is merely joining the ranks of these great men. Men in politics who have a lot of great charism and charm. They can’t help it if women are drawn to them – or so I’ve been told.. repeatedly. Now, if I might offer a few words of advice to Rudy’s wife, Donna Hanover, to ease the pain: take some time for you. Have a facial, lunch with friends, run for Senate.. and most important, if by chance you run into your husband’s girlfriend on the street, look her straight in her fat little face, and in a quiet, calm voice, say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell Cass Van Rye…..Cheri Oteri Dawn Paslowsky…..Britney Spears
Tom Wilkins: Woo! Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins!
Cass van Rye: I’m Cass Van Rye! Hey! How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!
Cass van Rye: How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!
Cass van Rye: How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable! Geez! Has anyone heard from Spring?
Cass van Rye: Hey Janet Reno, did you stick a gun in Spring’s face and force it back to Cuba, too? There! I said it!
Tom Wilkins: She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It’s like a visit from you, Cass – unannounced and uncomfortable.
Cass van Rye: And the Latte is without air conditioning! What gives? The change in the temperature is giving me laryngitis.
Tom Wilkins: Kinda nice, it’s kinda nice.
Cass van Rye: Hey, what’s the deal with the AC, fellas? Did it break?
Tom Wilkins: No, actually I heard that the station refused to pay the bill because we are the lowest rated show on television. [ pause ] And that includes cable.
Cass van Rye: Here’s Ainsley Harriot.. [ motions with hands ] ..and here’s us. Not good.
Tom and Cass: No..not good.
Cass van Rye: Man, I’m sweating like a prostitute in church.
Tom Wilkins: Speaking of church, we lost a good one this week – Cardinal Carol O’Conner. He will be missed. Let’s have a moment of silence for him
[ both bow heads ]
Cass van Rye: [ raises head before even a beat ] Hey did you see “Gladiator”?
Tom Wilkins: No, no, but I heard about it. What’s it about?
Cass van Rye: It was about gladiators in ancient Roman times, and that’s fine, that’s fine, but this is what’s giving me a red rump – I’ve been to the Colliseum, gang, and it does not look like that! It’s a mess! Half of it’s down! (she motions)
Tom Wilkins: Half of it’s down! I’ve seen pictures! I think they should just tear the whole thing down! Do something with that land!
Cass van Rye: Come on!
Tom Wilkins: Build a Coconut Records, a Pizza Hut, I don’t know! Do something with that land!
Cass van Rye: Get on the stick!
Tom Wilkins: Hey, speaking of historical epics, catch “Viva Rock Vegas”
Cass van Rye: Oooh, the Flintstones sequel! Yea yea!
Tom Wilkins: I’m telling you! Not only was it funny, but you really felt like you were in prehistoric olden times.
Cass van Rye: Yeah..yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Or the Paleolithic Era. And by Paleolithic, I mean –
Cass van Rye: One who collects stamps. [ demonstrates ]
Tom Wilkins: No no, no – the Stone Age.
Cass van Rye: The Stone Age! [ acts out throwing stones ] Yeah!
Tom Wilkins: Stone Age, yeah.
Cass van Rye: You know what? I’ll tell ya, they can make a hundred Flintstones sequels and it won’t be enough.
Tom Wilkins: Won’t be enough. Keep ’em comin’!
[ they repeat this a few times ]
Cass van Rye: Yabba Dabba Doo!
Tom Wilkins: Yeah! It’s hot! Yeah! It’s hot!
Cass van Rye: Yeah! It’s hot!
Tom Wilkins: Hey, let’s bring out our first guest! Yeah, this young woman wrote a tell-all book about the seedy, corrupt underbelly of the new Mickey Mouse Club TV show. Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Tom, you know, I actually opened this book, and you know that I don’t care for books.
Tom Wilkins: No, you don’t.. no.. anyone who watched the show knew stuff was goin’ down.
Cass van Rye: Please welcome the author of “Mousetrap” – Dawn Paslowsky.
[ Dawn walks in ]
Cass van Rye: Hi Dawn.
Dawn Paslowsky: What up, yo?
Cass van Rye: Alright.. now, Dawn, now I believe that people should be judged solely based on their appearance. And I’m gonna tell you, I think you look very tough and hard.
Tom Wilkins: I’m with Cass, I’m scared right now.
Cass van Rye: Please don’t cut me! [ motions ]
Dawn Paslowsky: You know, you can chill. I only cut people if they get all up in my face, in my business, so you can chill (sounds more like “chee-o”)
Tom Wilkins: Fair Enough. Alright. Now Dawn, you were a Mouseketeer for only 4 days. What the heck happened?
Dawn Paslowsky: Yo, Disney is Wack! I mean, they made me cover my tattoos, take out my piercins, and they tried to confiscate my box cutter. They tried to turn me into somethin’ I aint, and I don’t front. I don’t front.
Tom Wilkins: She does not front, so don’t ask her.
Dawn Paslowsky: See, and from the beginning, I knew they was out to get me, and I don’t play like that. I don’t front.
Cass van Rye: Gang, she’s putting the foot down on the fronting.
Tom Wilkins: Hey, I understand from Chapter 12 of your book, entitled, “Another Time I Was Mad”, that you were confronted by fellow Mouseketeer 11-year-old Britney Spears. What happened?
Dawn Paslowsky: See, Britney Spears was a stuck up playa hayta. She was always showin’ up on time, knowin’ her lines, and showerin’ and stuff, and she stole all my dope moves like this one. [ demonstrates ] And I invented that one in ’91, when I was 8, a-ight? I ain’t shady.
Cass van Rye: Ok, she aint shady and she doesn’t front. [ motioning with hands again ]
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.. yeah I heard her.
Cass van Rye: She said she.. [ turns to Tom ] ..ain’t shady…
Tom Wilkins: I heard her. [ pushes her face back toward Dawn ] Turn around.
Cass van Rye: Dawn, tell us – what was the final nail in the Camel’s back for you?
Dawn Paslowsky: Huh?
Tom Wilkins: No,no, Cass. What was the final straw the broke the coffin?
Dawn Paslowsky: it goes like this – Britney started sniffin’ ’round my man Justin Timberlake and –
Cass van Rye: Ooh, Justin who was also a Mouseketeer – also a Mouseketeer, but is currently in the speed metal trio *NSYNC. Check ’em out! Check ’em out!
Tom Wilkins: Check ’em out!
Dawn Paslowsky: I mean, I told her to step off and she was like, “What?” and I was like, “No, you don’t” and she was like, “Huh?” and I was like, “Uh-uh” and and then I set her hair on fire. You see her hair now? She’s wearin’ a wig.
Cass van Rye: Ooh, Dawn is one tough cookie!
Tom Wilkins: She’s like a pit bull!
Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie!
Tom Wilkins: Like a pit bull!
Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie! Like PM Dawn!
Tom Wilkins: Red Dawn!
Cass van Rye: Yeah, Dawn cuts the grease!
Tom Wilkins: Here comes confrontation.. [ raises his hand next to Cass’ head ] ..and here comes Dawn. [ smacks hand into other hand, and also into Cass’ head ]
Dawn Paslowsky: I just represent, yo. I just represent.
Cass van Rye: You know who doesn’t represent? Our network! It is HOT!
Tom Wilkins: Hot! Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Come on gang! It’s hot!
Tom Wilkins: And you know what? It’s going to get hotter, because, coming up next, Mr. Peabo Bryson!
Cass van Rye: [ puts hand over heart ] Ohh!
Tom Wilkins: If he hasn’t melted backstage.
Cass van Rye: Oh, I love that man.
Dawn Paslowsky: Damn, it is hot in here. [ checks pits ]
Tom Wilkins: Hey, if you wouldn’t mind, teach us that move again when you touch yourself, yeah!
Britney Spears: Thank you, thank you very much. You know, it is so cool to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” because I happen to be a very big fan of this show. And now that I’m here, I think this is a perfect place for me to clear up some crazy, crazy rumors that I keep hearing about myself. Like that I can’t perform without lip-synching, okay, which is not true. See, when I went on the Grammy awards, and sang “Baby One More Time”..
[ an obviously pre-recorded voice counters the movement of her lips ]
Voiceover: ..I mean, I had some backup singers doing the harmonies, but I sang all the lead vocals live. It wasn’t on tape. I mean, I’ve been performing in front of live audiences since I was six. I don’t need to fake it.
[ Britney’s live voice resumes the rest of the monologue ]
Britney Spears: Hmm, let me see.. oh yeah.. there’s one more. The one about my boobs being fake. That is just ridiculous! [ fake boobs in shirt start to move around ] I mean, come on! I’m 18, and I’m still growing, you know? [ looks down at her chest, notices her boobs are moving around – they quickly stop ] Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you, so stick around, we’ll be right back.
[ fake breasts continue to move, until monologue fades out ]
[ show image of INS agent pointing gun at Elian Gonzalez in the closet ]
Spokesman: Elian Gonzalez. The young, innocent refugee whose incredible saga ended with one of the most memorable and horrifying scenes in recent history. Whether you blame the government, the protesters, or Elian’s relatives, we all agree that this final image is simpy awful.
[ show the Elian image on a plate ]
And now, you can own it, on your very own commemorative plate! It’s Elain Under Duress, part of the brand new America’s Worst Moments commemorative plates series from Zelman Collectibles. For just $129, a new plate will arrive at your door monthly, each depicting one of the most embarrassing events in our nation’s history.
You’ll get the Iran-Contra Scandal plate, beautiful McCarthy Hearings plate, the Clarence Thomas Coke Can plate, and of course the Reform Party plate.
These are the moments every American is ashamed of. And what better way to remember our shame, than by displaying it proudly in your own home on fine, imported porcelain. But the America’s Worst Moments series isn’t limited to politics. You’ll also get plaes that recall these terrible events: Woodstock ’99, Marisa Tomei’s Academy Award, Dennis Rodman’s Crossdressing Phase, That Cher Video on the Navy Ship, Andrew “Dice” Clay, Roseanne Singing the National Anthem, and many, many more.
This collection simply can’t be missed. You may cancel at any time, and the Elian Under Duress plate is yours to keep. Call today, and bring America’s most humiliating failures into your living room.
Colin Quinn: Well, Spring is in the air. The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to romance and young love. Here with some of his thoughts on the subject, is our own Chris Parnell.
Chris Parnell: Thanks, Colin. You know, I’ve never done one of these “Update” things before, so I’m a little nervous. When I first heard that Britney Spears was gonna be hosting the show, I got pretty excited [ laughs ]. I don’t think anybody would blame me for that. I mean, she’s so talented and beautiful and sweet.. I just started wondering what it would be like to go out with her. You know, maybe we were both out in L.A. this summer, and I’d call her up and ask her out on a date, and she says, “Sure, come on over.” So, I drive over and pick her up, and she comes out looking just radiant.. well, it’s kind of corny, but I wrote this song about what our date might be like. [ stands ] So, Britney, this is for you:
Listen up, bee-otch! You know she sex me, when she looks my way I can’t defend me, all I can do is pray For her to spare me, from that sweet death ray But the bitch really wants to take a roll in the hay So I say, “Britney, baby let’s just slow it on down, You know that you and me could take a spin around town Just hop into my rover, roll the window down”
Yo it’s a west side night, and I’m feelin alright Got Britney down my pants and my gin and sprite Yo it’s a west side night, and I’m feelin alright Got Britney down my pants and my gin and sprite
And so we’re mackin, at every mother f-in light, And I say “Chill bitch, I got some business tonight” And then I see them, in the opposite lane, That carload of chumps’ll know the meaning of pain
Yo it’s a west side night and I’m feelin alright, Got Britney in my pants and my gin and sprite
So bang bang bang goes my Gat into the car, That’s hit number six this week so far, I know the names, the dirty games, But tonight their evil will go up in flames
Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit, Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh… Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit, Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh…
Some be dyin, some be fryin, and too much circumstance then you’ll be crying, so don’t be cryin’, and I’m just dyin’ And as this bitch blows up they will be flyin’,
Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit, Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh…
Britney Spears is just laughing as we drive away, And I know tonight I’m gonna get some play But if she tries to make me stay, she can go to hell, I got another f-ing date tonight with Sarah Michelle!
Bruce Dickinson…..Christopher Walken Eric Bloom…..Chris Parnell Buck Dharma…..Horatio Sanz Alan…..Chris Kattan Bobby…..Jimmy Fallon Gene Frenkle…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.
[ dissolve to recording studio ]
Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we’re ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound!
Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot.
Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you’re Bruce Dickinson!
Alan: This is incredible!
Bobby: I can’t believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound!
Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you — one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. “Fear… Don’t Fear the Reaper” — take one. Roll it [ he exits into the control booth ]
Eric Bloom: Alright! One, two, three, four…
[ The group starts the song: “All our times have come Here but now they’re gone…” — Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ]
Eric Bloom: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! Stop! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Um, Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?
Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That… that was gonna be a great track. Guys, what’s the deal?
Eric Bloom: Uh, are you sure that was sounding okay?
Bruce Dickinson: I’ll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could’ve used a little more cowbell. So.. let’s take it again.. and, Gene?
Gene Frenkle: Yeah?
Bruce Dickinson: Really explore the studio space this time.
Gene Frenkle: You got it, Bruce.
Bruce Dickinson: I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I’m hearing. roll it.
[ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell, gyrating his exposed belly. In the booth, Walken is smiling to keep from laughing. Before the session is interrupted, Gene misses a beat on his cowbell.]
Eric Bloom: Okay, wait! Stop! Stop! Bruce, I’m sorry, could you come back in here, please?
Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! This last one was even better than the first!
Eric Bloom: Well, it’s just that I find Gene’s cowbell playing distracting! I don’t know, if I’m the only one, I’ll shut up.
Buck Dharma: Nah, it was pretty rough.
Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull it back a little, if you’d like.
Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! I’m telling you, fellas — you’re gonna want that cowbell on the track!
Gene Frenkle: You know what? It’s fine. Let’s just do the thing.
Bruce Dickinson: Okay, Roll it.
Eric Bloom: One, two, three, four…
[ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric’s ear until Eric pushes him, knocking over the microphone and causing Horatio Sanz to fall ]
Eric Bloom: [ stopping the song again, fighting Gene ] COME ON, GENE!!
Gene Frenkle: NO, YOU COME ON!!
Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] Guys, y know that that it doesn’t work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!
Alan: [ grabs Gene’s shirt ] Don’t blow this for us, Gene!
Bobby: [ cracks up ] Quit… quit being so selfish, Gene!
Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing?
Bruce Dickinson: Sure, baby! Just say it!
Gene Frenkle: I’m standing here, staring at rock legend Bruce Dickinson!
Bruce Dickinson: The cock of the walk, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!
Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And, Bobby, you are right – I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don’t have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.
Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And I’d be doing myself a disservice — [begins to slightly laugh. Jimmy Fallon turns away and bites down on his drumstick to keep from laughing] and every member of this band, if I didnt perform the HELL out of this!
Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!
Gene Frenkle: Thank you, Bruce. But I think if… I think if I just leave… and maybe I’ll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ]
Bruce Dickinson: Aw, come on, baby..
Eric Bloom: Gene, wait! Why don’t you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together.
[ long pause while Gene looks around at the band ]
Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric?
Eric Bloom: Oh, yeah.
Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us.
Gene Frenkle: Thank you.
Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we’re done here.. y’all be wearing gold-plated diapers.
Alan: [ confused ] What does that mean?
Bruce Dickinson: Never question Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ]
[ Gene picks up the fallen microphone and high-fives the drummer before getting into position ]
Eric Bloom: One, two, three, four…
[ the band starts up again, this time Frenkle is playing the cowbell in tune with the band. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: “In Memoriam: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000” ]
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond Lead Immigrant…..Molly Shannon Fidel Castro…..Christopher Walken Sandra Millheart…..Ana Gasteyer Elian Gonzalez…..Rachel Dratch Juan Gonzalez…..Chris Kattan Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
OPEN ON: VIDEOTAPE OF THE LION KING GRAPHIC. MUSIC PLAYING UNDER.
Announcer: From the people who brought you The Lion King!
CUT TO: VIDEOTAPE OF AIDA GRAPHIC
Announcer: And the new musical Aida!
INT. BROADWAY STAGE
Mostly black. A bunch of ragtag Cuban immigrants packed in a cheap boat. Thunder and lightning booms behind them.
Announcer: Comes the story of one boy and his fight for freedom!
Immigrants: [singing] “This boats a rockin And it lookin pretty bad We aint gonna make it But we gotta save the lad Save the boy!
Lead Immigrant: [singing]”Save Eliaaaan!”
CUT TO: ELIAN, THE CUBAN BOY! LOGO
Announcer: Elian, The Cuban Boy! With the magnificent Christopher Walken as the evil Fidel!
Fidel Castro: [singing] “One little boy In a tiny little boat Hes making a mockery Of meeeeee! I will catch him And show him Fidel can be meaner Than the sea! Yes Fidel can be meaner Than the sea!”
Castro laughs. SANDRA MILLHEART ENTERS. A spotlight shines on her.
Announcer: and the angelic Sandra Millheart as the kind hearted American relative who risked it all to save a boy
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “This is my boy He belongs to me Im going to steal him If I cant have him legally!”
Announcer: An epic battle between good and evil.
Fidel Castro: [singing] “I want to kill him!”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “He loves America.”
Fidel Castro: [singing] “Ill stop at nothing!”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “I took him to Old Navy.”
Fidel Castro: [singing] “Hes gonna be a Commie.”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “His favorite show is Kids Say the Darndest Things.”
Both: [singing] “Elian!!”
ELIAN GONZALEZ, wearing oversized overalls and a baseball cap, holds a football.
Announcer: Introducing David Mack Wilson as the lovable Elian Gonzalez!
Elian Gonzalez: [singing] “I dont wanna go home I just want to play football I gotta a buncha new pals And a frog in my pocket!”
JANET RENO & JUAN GONZALEZ, sit side by side on Renos desk.
Announcer: With Richard Kyle Pierce as Juan Gonzalez and a special appearance by Attorney General Janet Reno.
Janet Reno: [singing] “Theres a sacred bond Between father and son I will uphold the law Until the deed is done.”
Juan Gonzalez: [singing] “My boy Elian Weve been so long apart And you Janet Reno Have lifted my heart.”
Both: [singing] “Oh look at us Arent we a pair? We want whats best for the boy We dooooo But in all the madness We found each other And I fell in love with you.”
[ They kiss. Elians now riding a dolphin. ]
Announcer: Come join Elian and his magic dolphin as they fly through the sky over our great, free land.
Elian Gonzalez: [singing] “In every man Theres a little boy Just waiting to be free I know its true Cause I had a dream And in that dream was meeee !!!”
Announcer: If youve ever loved a boy, this is a boy for all time! Elian, The Cuban Boy! The entire cast is grouped together.
Announcer: From the mind of Milos Forman, the acclaimed director of The People vs. Larry Flynt and Man on the Moon, comes another gripping true-life story of human redemption.
INT. BATHROOM
[ The FONZ gazes into a dirty vanity mirror. ]
Fonzie: You can win! You work in a garage, sure but youre more than that.
[ FREEZE FRAME ]
Announcer: The story of one, small-time hood, who went on to become one of the most famous men in the world.
Fonzie: Everybody looks up to you. You come from nothing, now, you own this town. Get out there and show them who you are!
[ The Fonz goes to put his leather jacket. ]
Announcer: Christopher Walken is Fonzie!
Fonzie: Aaaaeeeyyy!
INT. ARNOLDS DRIVE-IN
[RICHIE CUNNINGHAM gives POTSI an icy glare. ]
Announcer: with David Caruso as Richie Cunningham
Richie Cunningham: You listen to me Im tired of your mouth, BUCKO!
Announcer: Al Pacino as Potsi
Potsi: Dont you get, Rich — God gave me something SPECIAL! I can SING!
Announcer: A motion picture which lays bare the picture of the human soul.
Fonzie: Both of yousz sit on it!
[ A FIST SWOOSHS ACROSS AND POUNDS THE JUKEBOX ]
Announcer: Fonzie a stock portrait of a man unwilling to face his own fallibility.
Fonzie: Look, I admit it – I made a mistake! I was wrrrooooogh!
[ A SWITCHBLADE COMB FLIES OPEN ]
Announcer: Fonzie the stirring story of a garage mechanic who once jumped a tiger shark on water skis.
INT. BATHROOM
[ Fonzie shadows over CHACHI as she ties a rubber tourniquet and holds a syringe in her other hand. ]
Announcer: with a special uncredited performance by Hilary Swank as Chachi.
[ Jimmy starts chuckling. ]
Chachi: Dont you get, Fonz? This stuff makes me feel good, ya know? Like nothing ever did before – not you, not Al, not Jenny Piccolo, not the Malachi Bros. nobody! You want to take that away from me!!
[ Fonzie looks directly into the CAMERA ]
Fonzie: Correctamundo!
[ SUPER: THE NEW YORK TIMES LOGO ]
[ INSERT AUTHORS NAME & QUOTE ]
Announcer: Stephen Holden of The New York Times calls Fonzie a cinematic experience so moving youll be sitting on it for weeks afterward
INT. ARNOLDS DRIVE-IN
[ Fonzie looms over the jukebox. ]
Announcer: Fonzie – a dark look into the torment of the coolest man in Milwaukee
[ Walken asks for a stage direction then starts crying. ]
Fonzie: WHAT AM I!? WHAT HAVE I BECOME!? I call a mens room my office! I own three articles of clothing!
[ Fonzie pulls out his switchblade comb. ]
Fonzie: I use a switchblade comb for a knife for Christs Sake! And Im not kidding!
Announcer: The pain of being a hero
[ CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON FONZIE ]
Fonzie: I spent my whole life masking other people happy, but what about me!?!?!? Where are my Happy Days!? WHERE ARE MY HAPPY DAYS!?
[ UNFOCUSED IMAGE ]
[ BLACK SCREEN ]
[ SUPER: Fonzie The heartache of one human soul ]
Announcer: Fonzie The heartache of one human soul Aaaaeeeyyy!
