Weekend Update on Aunt Jemima Recall

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Aunt Jemima logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Aunt Jemima is recalling several breakfast food products because they might contain Listeria, who I’m guessing is Jemima’ sister.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a monkey and map of India at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing them with birth control. India, where they treat monkeys better than America treats women. By the way, they have to use birth control pills because every time they tried to teach the monkey to use condom, it ate the banana. So, just the first joke?

[Picture changes to a computer]

A company in Canada has created a new software than can mimic anyone’s voice and get it to say anything. I will finally be able to hear my dad say, “I’m proud of you.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Calendar marked on May Colin Jost4 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call your mama, because I won’t!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s introduced a new utensil called froerk, which is a fork made with French Fries. It’s a perfect way to tell your arteries to go fork themselves!

Weekend Update- Al Franken and Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Al Franken… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Minnesota senator Al Franken has accused Attorney General Jeff Sessions of having pressured him and perjured himself during senate testimony in response to a question Franken himself asked. Here with a follow up Q&A are senator Franken and Attorney General Sessoins.

[Al Franken and Jeff Sessions slide in]

Jeff Sessions: Well, hello there. Hello.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. It’s really great to see you guys.

Jeff Sessions: Well, it’s so great to be here. And it’s always a pleasure to see you, Al.

Al Franken: Yeah, Jeff, the pleasure is mine. This ordeal has been fun for everyone.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m actually surprised to see the two of you here together.

[Cut to Al Franken and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, people don’t realize this, but Al and I are actually great friends.

Al Franken: That’s overstating.

Jeff Sessions: You know, I once took Al Whitewater rafting on the Chattahoochee river and Al showed up Jew stuff.

Al Franken: We had lunch at a Deli, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Exactly. He taught me how to say “Schmear.” Schmear! I’d never seen balls in a soup before. Yeah.

Al Franken: They were Matzah balls, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know me. No questions asked. Right? And speaking of questions, it is true you caught old Br’er Sessions in the liar patch again? And I’m powerful. Sorry, my friends. So, may I correct the record?

Al Franken: Okay. Can you place your hand on the bible, please?

Jeff Sessions: Of course. [Jeff Sessions pulls out a plastic hand and puts it on the bible] Let’s rodeo, partner.

Al Franken: Oh! Mr. Sessions, it appears you’ve placed a halloween-typed prop in place of your actual hand.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you did not specify my biological hand, senator Franken. This is my orphan hand. I’m a danger to the country.

Al Franken: Well, could you please place your normal human hand on the bible?

Jeff Sessions: Ooh, you are a tricky raccoon, senator. Alright, you got me there. But then again, I’m just a simple country liar.

Al Franken: Um, are you saying ‘lawyer’ or ‘liar’?

Jeff Sessions: What’s that? I’m sorry. These ears are just decorative.

Al Franken: Okay. Put her there.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Alright.

Al Franken: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

Jeff Sessions: Alababy.

Al Franken: Excuse me?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s an Alabama maybe.

Al Franken: Oh my god.

Jeff Sessions: Or a baby dressed up like Aladdin. Not that he’d be ‘Aladdin’ (allowed in) the country.

Al Franken: Unbelievable.

Jeff Sessions: It’s a travel ban and I helped.

Al Franken: Mr. Sessions, why do you deny meeting with Russian officials when you had met with the Russian ambassador twice?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, I was all distracted. I was trying to evade these dastardly accusations of being a racist, which I am not. But where I live, racism is simply part of the landscape.

Al Franken: And where do you live?

Jeff Sessions: The 1950s.

Al Franken: I cannot believe you were confirmed.

Jeff Sessions: Me neither. What can I say? I might talk cute, but I am very scary.

[Cut to Al Franken, Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Al Franken and Jeff Sessions, everyone.

Weekend Update Willie on Thanksgiving

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Thursday is Thanksgiving and I for one is really not looking forward to it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Michael, how are you doing? Oh, I just love thanksgiving. My whole family getting together. Sitting around the table giving me ultimatum to quit drinking.

Michael Che: That sounds terrible.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Yeah. Family time is best part of thanksgiving, Michael. Reminds of me when I was a little boy. Me and my cousins going to our grandparents’ house, sneaking a sip of warm spicy cider from my grand daddy’s bedpan.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Dude!

Willie: And boy, do I miss my granny’s cooking. Oh, you would have loved her famous pecan pie. That crust was so  b, pecan so juicy, you can barely taste the legs. [Cut to Willie] I can still hear my grandmama now yelling, “It’s roaches in the pie, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh? But don’t you love watching football on thanksgiving day, Michael? It reminds me of when I watched the game on TV with my daddy. [Cut to Willie] He pointed to the screen and he said, “Son, you see that man running with the ball? That’s OJ Simpson. He had sex with your mama and one day I’m gonna frame him for murder.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: Well, I mean, sure! I may not live a life of luxury, maybe I don’t have a coat, or toenails, but I do have something that nobody could ever take away from me.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: Outstanding warrants. Let me tell you, Michael, [Cut to Willie] I can’t wait to see that Macy’s parade again. You ever gone there as a kid?

Michael Che: I have actually.

Willie: You see all those big pretty balloons? I remember every thanksgiving, my uncle Joe would show me ‘Woody woodpecker’, and then he zip up his pants drive me down to the parade.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Yeah, man. I really can’t relate to any of those stuff, Willie.

Willie: Well, you know who really loves thanksgiving, my old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] Yeah, every year I take him down to the turkey farm to play with the turkeys. You should see, just wrestling and trolling, feathers flying everywhere, and if you listen real close, it almost sounds like old Lucias is definitely crying for help. For like they always say, Michael, “Those turkeys are running the train on your dog, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Drive-Through Window

Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

Michael Tangelo… Kenan Thompson

Linda Tomorrow…Emily Blunt

Randy Candy… Bobby Moynihan

Melissa Villaseńor

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Real Jeff… Beck Bennett

Pam… Aidy Bryant

Bruno Mars

[Starts with Pete waiting for the customer in Burger King]

Pete: Welcome to Burger King. Pull around and order at the first window, please.

[Mikey comes through in his pink limo and opens the window. He is wearing green suit.]

Mikey: Wad up?

Pete: Oh! Um, hey. Would you like to try the snickers pie today?

Mikey: Dude, I got a pink Hummer limo filled with party people. Only thing is, we got some empty tummies.

Pete: Okay. Um, how many people are in there?

Mikey: No way to tell, my man! We all just came from an art installation party hosted by our friend Otto the Question. So, let’s start with, um, 20 whoppers.

Pete: Okay. You want whoppers or angry whoppers?

Mikey: Hmm, that is a question for Michael Tangelo. One love.

[Mikey closes his window and moves the limo forward. The second widow opens.]

Michael Tangelo: Wad up?

Pete: Hey. Do you know what you want?

Michael Tangelo: Um, first, good evening. I am Michael Tangelo. Part of the House of Terrific and Artist Collective. Now, what’s this I hear about an angry whopper?

Pete: Um, it’s like a whopper but it’s spicy. It’s got onions rings in it.

Michael Tangelo: In it? So it’s an entrée that ate it’s own side dish? Hmm. I’m gonna let Linda Tomorrow weigh in on this.

Pete: Who?

Michael Tangelo: Bye, bye.

[Michael Tangelo closes the window. The limo moves forward. The third window opens.]

Linda Tomorrow: Wad up?

Pete: You’re Linda Tomorrow?

Linda Tomorrow: Who’s asking?

Pete: Well, what do you want to eat?

Linda Tomorrow: Ah, yes. I haven’t slum with the normal in so long. I’ll have a burger. Funky style. And make it a magnum XL. Fries, size nine. And a diet mountain don’t size 10.

Pete: Um, well, we just have three sizes ma’am. Small, medium and large.

Linda Tomorrow: A what now and who there?

Pete: Is medium okay?

Linda Tomorrow: Never mind. Just talk to Randy Candy. Good bye.

[Linda Tomorrow closes the window. The limo moves forward. The 4th window opens. The music is playing inside the limo.]

Randy Candy: Wad up?

Pete: Are you Randy Candy?

Randy Candy: [squeaky voice] Um-hmm. I pet a whimsy and this part of the car is feeling some chicken fries.

Pete: Okay. Um, do you want regular chicken fries or like, the Cheetos chicken fries?

Randy Candy: I’m sorry, what’s the difference?

Pete: Um, the Cheetos chicken fries are covered in Cheeto coating.

Randy Candy: This news will throw this car into chaos. How could you?

[Randy Candy closes the window] [Melissa walks to Pete]

Melissa: What is going on? Have these people ordered yet?

Pete: Um, kind of.

Melissa: What did they order?

Pete: Um, this one lady ordered like a mega-funky burger.

Melissa: We don’t have that.

Pete: Look, I’m trying. I just need to talk to like, one normal person. Sorry.

[Melissa walks away. The 5th window of the limo opens.] [Kate and Cecily look the same]

Kate and Cecily: Wad up?

Pete: God! Sorry, crazy. Um, are you guys ready to order?

Cecily: Absolutely. We want three food.

Kate: Like, four food. And savory?

Cecily: Let’s be bad. Why not?

Kate: Four food and a nibble.

Pete: Yeah, but like, what food?

Cecily: The only one who can answer this is real Jeff. Bye.

[They close the window. The limo moves forward. 6th window opens. Real Jeff is sitting with his puppet.]

Real Jeff: Wad up? Give us 20 whoppers and 20 chicken fries.

Pete: Ah! Thank you, dude. Finally. Alright, that’s $hundredfortytwo.eighteen. How would you like to pay?

Real Jeff: Oh, I don’t pay. That’s Pam’s department. Peace.

[Real Jeff closes the window. The limo moves forward. the 7th door opens. Pam is sitting and someone is massaging her shoulder.]

Pam: Wad up?

Pete: Hey, are you Pam?

Pam: Um, yes sir. I am Pam and I fund this.

Pete: Okay, well it’s $142.18.

Pam: Okay, great, so can you split it on 26 credit cards?

Pete: No, I can’t.

Pam: Okay. Well then, maybe my boyfriend has some cash.

[Pam’s boyfriend is Bruno Mars who shows his face now]

Bruno Mars: Wad up?

Pete: Bruno Mars? What the hell is going on there? You hang with these people?

Bruno Mars: No, they hang with me. You should join us, man.

Pete: Ah! I’m sorry, man! I’m working.

Bruno Mars: It didn’t stop your friend.

[Melissa shows her face inside the window]

Melissa: Oh! Wad up?

Pete: You know what? I’m in.

Bruno Mars: Ay, make some room, Randy Candy!

Pete: I hate Randy Candy!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of mountains at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials are warning hikers to stay away from a volcano in New Zealand saying there are signs it may erupt. Signs like, when locals heard the volcano whisper, “Oh, I’m so close.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a deer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York mayor Bill De Blasio has announced a plan to help reduce the deer population on Staten Island by giving the male deers vasectomies. Since Deere abortion is still illegal due to the landmark case of DOE V Wade.

[Picture changes to map picture of Oregon stage]

A man in Oregon who had collapsed in his house was saved after his local Domino’s Pizza became concerned he hadn’t called in his regular order and sent a driver to check on it. It’s all part of Domino’s new slogan, “You die when we say you die.”

Dennis Walls and the Cookies

Charlice… Leslie Jones

Donald… Kyle Mooney

Dennis Walls… Drake

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with PBS video bumper]

You are watching PBS.

[Cut to Charlice]

Charlice: Here on PBS, we rely on generous donations from our viewers to bring you great, classic shows like this one. 1978 ‘Sexy kind of evening’ with Dennis Walls and the Cookies. Ooh. Charlice, that’s one of my favorites. Mine too, Ronald.

[Donald comes out from Charlice’s behind]

Donald: Charlice, you’re standing right in front of me. Also, saying all my lines.

Charlice: Oh, I’m sorry Donald. You know, you gotta jump in there, baby. Go ahead and say your line.

Donald: Let’s–

Charlice: [interrupting] Let’s walk to show Charlice.

[Cut to ‘Sexy Kind of Evening’ intro]

Male voice: It’s ‘Sexy kind of evening’ with RnB legend Dennis Walls.

[Cut to Dennis Walls. There are two women ‘cookies’ behind him.]

Dennis Walls: How sexy does everybody feel tonight? Very sexy? Thought so. I’m Dennis Walls and these are my backup signature cookies. And I’ve got to know, how my cookies is doing tonight?

Cecily: Oh, us cookies are hot.

Kate: And sweet.

Cecily and Kate: And then we will spoil your appetite.

Dennis Walls: Umm. Umm. Standing up here with my sexy cookies makes me feel like my birthday came early this year, but I never come early. Right cookies?

Kate: That’s nasty.

Cecily: How come is it nasty?

Kate: Look cookie. She’s the dumb one.

Cecily: But I own it, don’t I?

Dennis Walls: Now, come on cookies. Let’s go get comfortable and start off sexy show.

[Dennis Walls, Cecily and Kate walk to their set]

Hey, why is this stool so small? Why would somebody give me a foot stool?

Cecily: Maybe the director’s still mad at you for forgetting his name.

Dennis Walls: Oh man. I got nothing but respect for Sid.

Kate: His name is Tom.

Dennis Walls: Well, should I throw a fit?

Kate: No baby. That’s not your style.

Cecily: I know what will make it better. Letting that deep sexy baritone voice out from under that mustache cave.

Dennis Walls: Oh, I like the way my cookies think. Hand me my mic.

[Dennis Walls gets a mic] [singing] Shake off your body

[When he sings on the mic, his voice sounds like baby’s.]

Oh, something’s wrong here. I sound funny. There’s something wrong with the mic.

Cecily: Yeah, baby. Something’s wrong with your mic. You sound like a little chipmunk.

Kate: Or a little bug cartoon.

Dennis Walls: I think I have no choice but to throw my fist, cookies.

Cecily: Oh, don’t go there baby. It will ruin your groove.

Dennis Walls: Oh, alright man. Let’s just finish the song.

[singing] Fly your…

Listen. I’m not gonna use this mic anymore. I can’t ruin my brand.

Kate: Hey, Dennis. What’s behind that big silver curtain over there?

Dennis Walls: [laughing] I bet it’s my big sexy saxophone so I can play ya’ll big sexy sexophone solo.

Kate: Sounds like it could be a big….

Cecily: And sexophone.

Dennis Walls: Well, why don’t I unzip these curtains and I’ll show you just how big it is.

Kate: Oh. That’s nasty again.

Cecily: How come is this nasty also?

[The curtain opens and a stool slides in. There’s a tiny saxophone on the stool that’s the size of a key-ring.]

Dennis Walls: Well, I mean, what happened here? This looks like a little fashion doll saxophone.

Kate: Well, now did you specify a regular size saxophone or did you say Barbara doll size?

Dennis Walls: Now girl, why would I ask for Barbara doll size saxophone? Where’s the logic in this?

Cecily: Ooh, and it’s on a normal size stool. That’s the one you were supposed to sit on earlier. Maybe just try playing it, baby.

[Dennis Walls blows on the tiny saxophone. It sounds like a whistle.]

Dennis Walls: I don’t understand this. We had Kate0 production meetings about what was going to happen here tonight. What is wrong with you, Sydney?

Cecily and Kate: Tod!

Dennis Walls: Forget it. Let’s just not let any of this ruin off our sexy sounds together. Okay, cookies. How about we just move over here to the circular bed and we get sexy for real. [Cecily and Kate walk to the bed] After you.

[Cecily jumps to the bed and the bed starts revolving]

Cecily: Oh, I think we’re moving, Dennis.

Dennis Walls: You know I love me a little motion in ocean, girls. I love it. Alright.

[singing] Let me love you girls
then I can take my time
loving you

Cecily and Kate: So you’re gonna do just to you
Dennis Walls: Yeah, that’s right. Yeah.

I’ll do me real quick
then roll over to you.

[The bed is rotating too fast]

Hang on now. Hold on a second. Is this bed speeding up?

Cecily: Yes, seems like it to me.

Kate: I’m getting scared.

Dennis Walls: Why are we going this fast?

[Cecily falls down]

Hey, sexy?

Kate: Where is she? I cannot get a grip on this.

[Kate falls down too.]

Dennis Walls: Y’all not listening to me.

[Dennis Walls falls down too.]

Male voice: This has been a very sexy evening with Dennis Walls and the Cookies.

[The End]