SNL Tonight

Who Works Here?

Catherine Maeks… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Donald… Taran Killam

Debra… Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kevin… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

[Starts with ‘Who Works Here?’ intro]

Male voice: And now live from the CVS on 14th and first, it’s America’s newest game show ‘Who Works Here?’ with your host Catherine.

[Catherine walks in] [cheers and applause]

Catherine: Hello. Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Who Works Here?’ where contestants have to examine the people wandering this CVS and determine who the hell works here. Now normally, this is when we get to know our contestants but I met them back stage and I gotta say they’re unbelievably dull

[The contestants are smiling and nodding their heads]

So, let’s get started. Jessica you’re up first. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Cecily looking around in the store. She has a blue shirt and a blue hat on.]

Jessica: Hah, well she looks like an employee. [calling Cecily] Excuse me. [Cecily is pretending she can’t hear] Excuse me? [Cecily looks at Jessica angrily] Excuse me ma’am.

Cecily: Ma’am?

Jessica: Sorry. Miss, do you know what isle the hand soap is on?

[Cecily pretends as she didn’t hear her]

Okay, I’m gonna say she does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, I’m so sorry. She’s actually the Assistant Manager but she is on break. And she chooses to spend her break standing motionless in the center of CVS. Donald, you’re up. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Aidy. She is wearing the blue shirt and has a yellow patch on it. She is throwing stuffs around.]

Donald: Well, let’s see. She is actively destroying the store which seems like a bad thing for an employee to do. But she is wearing a button that says ‘Ask me for help. I work here.’ Um, I’m not buying it. She does not work here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Hey, correct. She does not work here. She’s just a local vagrant that parades around the store once a day while our security guard takes his usual 40 minute bathroom break. Nice work Donald.

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Well, I know my way around this CVS Catherine.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: What does that mean?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Just– j– It has isles.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: See? Dull. Debra, it’s your turn. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Kevin walking around in casual outfit with two gallons]

Kevin: I work here. I work here. I work here. I work here.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Well, he keeps saying ‘I work here’. I’m gonna stick with my gut and say that he does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, that was a tough one. But he actually does work here… as a prostitute. I admit that one was very tricky one. Thanks Kevin.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I don’t work here. Wheee!

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: And now, we move on to our lighting round.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: I’m sorry. Do you mean lightning?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: No. Lighting. We just flick the lights on and off a bunch and see what kind of weirdos emerge from the back of the store. And you tell us who works here. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: Okay, that guy!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Pete.]

That guy gave me my prescription at the pharmacy but somehow, I don’t think he works here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: That’s exactly right. He just showed up and started passing out drugs and no one ever questioned it. Alright, here we go, round two and go.

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Debra]

Debra: And him!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kenan. He is wearing security uniform.]

That’s the security guard. He used the bathroom for 40 minutes.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, so close. But that’s actually a security guard from Right Aid who just comes in to use our bathroom.

[As Kenan puts the magazine back on the shelf, we can see toilet tissues hanging behind him on his pants.]

And he’s putting the magazine back on the shelf. That’s great. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: Okay, her!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kate.] [Cut to Jessica]

There is no way she works here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, she is actually our Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You said that the first woman was the Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Well, everyone at CVS is at least an Assistant Manager. But interesting side note, she is dead. Died in the store 90 years ago.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You know, I saw a show about ghost once.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Wow, great story Jessica. And now, there’s only one person left. [Cut to Leslie. She’s wearing a black suit.] And maybe this will help.

[music playing] [Leslie starts dancing] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: Hmm. I guess I’m gonna say she works here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, you’re darn right she does, Donald. She’s actually a full Manager. So technically, all she is to do is dance. And you should dance too Donald because you’re our big winner.

[Cut to Donald dancing]

Donald: Oh, my god! What did I win?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. Thanks for playing.

[The End]

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female Character

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study reveals that movies with female leads like Frozen and the Hunger Games still give most of the dialog to the men. Here to talk about it is the one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

Heather: Hey Jost. Good to see you again.

Colin Jost: Yes, welcome back Heather. So, how do you feel about this new study?

Heather: However, you feel I guess. Maybe like this. [Cut to Heather] Maybe like this. “Hmm”. Or maybe like this. “Pfft.” If I get too angry then I’m not sexy anymore. I’m just a nag. And I’m not old enough to play the nag. You have to be 28 for that. I’m somewhere between eighteen and 27. But I date 40 and up. The fatter, the better.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s cool.

Heather: Thanks. That means a lot to me. I needed to hear that today. Just promise me you won’t get too drunk tonight with your crazy friend Bruce.

Colin Jost: Who is Bruce?

Heather: Bruce. You know. As a joke he fed you X and [Cut to Heather] you messed you pants in the sand trap. I was watching from the golf cart doing this. [sigh] [Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You were?

Heather: Yeah, but it was cut coz the test audience [Cut to Heather] couldn’t tell why I was there or who I was or why I would care or that if it was caring that I was showing on my face. Should I show some side boob now?

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, you don’t– You don’t need to do that. No.

Heather: Wow, you sound just like a girl. By the way, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life.

Colin Jost: I- I guess it’s pretty funny. Yeah.

Heather: Wow. I feel like I can really be myself around you. [music playing] Like, go to a baseball game with you and know the nickname of the player. Then I’ll go get hotdogs without any help. And on the way back, I’ll accidentally stick my butt in your friend’s face. Then he’ll get a boner and you’ll accidentally touch it. Then you two will be on the kisscam and I’ll be out of the movie for the next 45 minutes.

Colin Jost: Where do you go?

Heather: Oh, I just turn off. Everything kind of goes black for me. Then I come back to watch you do karaoke. And I surprise you by taking my clothes off in front of you after one shot of tequila. [Cut to Heather] And that’s when they found out cartoon finish that’s also in the movie says, “Nice bush. You don’t see those much anymore.” That’s how you know it’s a comedic part for me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, they may not give you the most line–

Heather: The least. I have the least. And the movie is named after me.

Colin Jost: What’s it called?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Bagging Heather. The fish is really funny. At one point, I sneeze into a Kleenex full of semen but nobody tells me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Oh my god! Heather, that’s–

Heather: It’s okay. In the sequel, it’s like I never existed.

Colin Jost: So, what’s next for you?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I can’t say any more lines or they have to pay me like a man.

[Heather looks at the ceiling and pauses] [Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think she just turned off. The one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.