SNL Tonight

High Stakes Japanese Game Show – Revised and translated

This is a heavily revised version of the one currently posted; it addresses omissions/transcription errors, but more importantly translates the Japanese where possible.

Note: As the actors are not fluent Japanese speakers, sometimes names are a bit off and pronunciation makes it next to impossible to determine the precise meaning.

Narrator: And now, from Tokyo, it’s “Quiz Kings”! Here’s your host, Nakadai Toshiro-san!
Nakdai: Okay, hi! Hello, everyone. It certainly is hot outside, isn’t it? Kotara-san, Kotara-san… You’re looking as lovely as always.
Kotara: Toshiro-san… Oh, you. I swear!
Nakadai: All right. Well, let’s move on to Takashi Akira-san. You’ve won [6 million yen] already. That’s incredible.
Akira: [I’ve never seen anyone win so much!] Nakadai: Okay, okay. Let’s introduce the challengers. Nakida Sanshira-san. Hello!
(Blows her a kiss)
Sanshira: As always, [unintelligible].
Nakadai: And finally, from “Mil-wau-kee, Wis-con-sin” … Rarry Tenperuton-san. Greetings, yes!
Templeton: (Confused) I-I’m sorry. I don’t speak Japanese.
Nakadai: Rarry-san, yes! A brief introduction, please.
Templeton: I-I don’t understand. There’s been a little mistake. Uh…
Nakadai: (Unintelligible, followed by laughter)
Templeton: (Laughing politely) You see, my wife Mary and I are here on vacation. It’s a lovely country, everyone’s been great. Anyhoo, the concierge at the hotel said, “Do you wanna go to a game show?” Well-
Nakadai: Wonderful, just wonderful! Okay, let’s begin. Question No. 1…
Templeton: See, I thought she meant see a game show, not BE on a game show! Big mistake. BIG mistake!
Nakadai: Thank you.
Kotara: Not at all.
Nakadai: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you.
Kotara: Yes.
Nakadai: Question No. 1: How many keys does a piano have: 70 (nanajuu), 100 (hyaku), or 88 (hachijuuhachi)? Akira-san!
Akira: 70?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: Aah, no, that’s wrong. That’s wrong. Sanshira-san!
Sanshira: 100?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: Yeah, that’s wrong again. Rarry-san?
Templeton: Me? I don’t know. I-I’m sorry… Does anybody here speak English? Do you guys speak English? I…
Nakadai: Rarry-san: 70 (nanajuu), 100 (hyaku), or 88 (hachijuuhachi)?
Templeton: Can I pass? You know what, I pass! Uh…
Nakadai: Nanajuu, hyaku, or hachijuuhachi?
Templeton: Hachi… juuhachi? I…
(Larry wins Y50,000; Audience cheers)
Nakadai: Correct, correct! That’s correct!
Nakadai: Correct. Rarry-san, [congratulations, that’s right].
Templeton: (Pleased and surprised) Really?! All right, well… Kanuka! Kanuka! (Nonsense Japanese)
Nakadai: Thank you, thank you. Second question. [Oh, this time, you have to write.] Does Kagemusha give you the willies, or does Godzilla? Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
Templeton: I-I’m sorry – “Cage Moosh”?
Nakadai: Does Kagemusha gives you the willies, or does Godzilla?
Templeton: Oh! (Writes his answer)
(Timer goes off)
Nakadai: [That’s time!] Akira-san!
Akira: Kagemusha?
Nakadai: Aah, that’s no good That’s wrong. Kotara-san?
(His answer being wrong, Akira takes a knife and napkin provided by the co-host, and…)
Akira: Not at all. (Probably meant to mean “My apologies.”)
(Akira slices his right pinky off)
Templeton: (Distraught] OH MY GOD! DO YOU SEE THAT?!
(Nakadai laughs, says something unintelligible)
Nakadai: Sanshira-san!
Sanshira: Kagemusha?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: No, no good. No good at all. Not good.
(Sanshira complies with game show rules and slices her pinky off as well)
Sanshira: Hya!
Templeton: GOOD LORD! What in the name of all that’s sacred?!
Nakadai: Okay, okay! Rarry-san? (Reaches for written answer)
Templeton: (Pulls answer away, shaking) You know what? I shouldn’t be here.
Nakadai: Rarry-san…
Rarry: Call the concierge!
Nakadai: Rarry-san… Rarry-san!
Templeton: Call the concierge!
Nakadai Rarry! Rarry-san! (Grabs answer and pulls it from Larry)
Templeton: “Docky-docky” something!
(Nakadai reads the answer, looking as if he’s going to break into laughter)
Nakadai: “Godzilla”?
Templeton: I-I didn’t…
Nakadai: Godzilla? Godzilla. You think it’s Godzilla… You’re correct!
(Buzzer sounds; Templeton is correct and has just won Y200,000)
Nakadai: You’re correct! That’s correct. Rarry-san, you’ve certainly won a lot. That’s 20,000 yen!
Templeton: Really? Well, that was great. Thank you very much, I guess!
Nakadai: Let’s move on to [unintelligible]!
(Audience repeats)
Templeton: Two thousand d… yen?! How much is that in dollars?
(Cheering as Larry is led to the Bonus Round, which consists of him being bound in chains and an electrical device attached via jumper cables to his crotch)
Templeton: Hey, excuse me, I won. What the heck are you doing here? Hey, just a second… Just a second here!
(Nakadai laughs as he pulls out a new set of question cards)
Nakadai: [Unintelligible] You know?
Templeton: MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE!
Nakadai: Now for the next question.
Templeton: MARY, CALL THE AMERICAN EMBASSY!
Nakadai: When it comes to children’s nursery songs, who is always sure to be sitting?
(PS: Answer = The child, on the parent’s lap)
Templeton: I DON’T KNOW!
(Nakadai prepares to pull electrical switch)
Templeton: NO, WAIT! Wait, wait, wait! I… I know it, I know it. Um… uh, Kwa… ki… sur-… pi… ni… ku?
Nakadai: What? “Kwakisurpiniku”?
Templeton: (Confident)Yes! Kwakisurpiniku!
Emcee: Judges! What do you say?
(Surly-looking judges shake heads no)
Templeton: (Desperate) Kwakisurpiniku! Kwakisurpiniku!
(Gong sounds)
Nakadai: No, that’s wrong. Too bad. No good. The answer was, “Kwa-ki-sur-pi-PI-ku.”
(Nonsensical)
(Nakadai pulls the switch, shocking Larry)
Templeton: No! AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Nakadai: Well, that’s all we have time for.
(Rest of dialogue is drowned out as Nakadai, Kotara, and the other two contestants dance the show out)

Weekend Update 4/13/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story…tonight:

After a search of nearly 18 years, the man known as the Unabomber has apparently been caught. Theodore Kaczynski is described as a genius with degrees in mathematics from both Harvard and the University of Michigan. Well, now perhaps Americans can focus on our real enemy: fancy book learnin’!

Although only one of his victims was from California, Governor Pete Wilson is pushing to have the Unabomber suspect tried in Los Angeles. Also pushing to have the Unabomber tried in Los Angeles: the Unabomber. [cheers and applause]

It now appears that the 50 million-dollar lawsuit against subway gunman Bernie Goetz, brought by one of the men he shot, will be heard by an all-minority jury. Attorney for Goetz, Darnay Hoffman, says he has advised his client to carry himself humbly in court, make friendly eye contact with the all-minority jury, and start scraping together 50 million dollars.

Last week on “Larry King Live,” Marlon Brando made the shocking statement that Hollywood is, quote, “run by Jews.”…In response, outraged Jewish organizations made it snow in New York in April. [cheers and applause]

For years, Hillary Rodham Clinton has told people that she was named for the first man to climb Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary. But as Esquire magazine recently pointed out to her, Edmund did not climb Mount Everest until 1953, six years after Hillary was born. However, the First Lady does have a good explanation for the discrepancy: she loves to lie. [cheers and applause]

Rap star Hammer is suing the Los Angeles Police Department after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage. [some applause]

Last week, a jailbreak at the Adams County Prison in Pennsylvania ended with four inmates escaping in their underwear. Officials are surprised the escape worked, especially because during the break, the scantily-clad prisoners frequently stopped to rape each other.

In the new movie Mrs. Winterbourne, talk show host Ricki Lake plays the part of a young mother-to-be. According to the film producers, Miss Lake was so serious about achieving a realistic pregnant look. She forced herself to lose 30 pounds. [some cheers and applause]

As we enter an age where government is doing less and less, private charities will have to step up and fill the gap. Here with a commentary is the senior writer on “Saturday Night Live,” and a good friend of mine, Fred Wolf! Fred!

[pan over to Fred]

Fred Wolf: Thank you. Thank you….Thank you. Thank you, Norm. Well, living here in New York City, I’m often given the opportunity to help those that are less fortunate. The guys who want to wash my windshield for money, or the guys who simply want money for not smashing my windshield. When dealing with these people in person, I can often fight the temptation to dig deep and give. But God, the stuff you get in the mail asking for money is crazy. It’s getting so sophisticated, you – you can’t turn them down. So I send them money, and once you mail money to one, they all start asking. What a lot of these charities do is they strategically laser print your name throughout the letter to maximize the guilt factor. I got one from the American Lung Association, and the first para – paragraph actually read, “If you could stop someone from dying a slow, painful death, would you, Fred Wolf?” How much farther can they go with that tactic? You get a letter that says, “You don’t want little Bobby to die, do you?” They’ve got a picture of “little Bobby” in a wheelchair with his arms spread, and the caption reads, “Help me, Fred Wolf! Help me!”

But this American Lung letter was a typical one. My name was all over it, you know, and at the end, it says, “So please help us find a cure for this deadly disease by sending in your contribution for two dollars.” They asked for exactly two dollars. Which made me think, “Could it be possible that they’re actually that close to a cure?”…And if so, what are they telling patients in the hospital? “Well, Mr. Henderson, we’d love to be able to tell you that we have a cure for your disease and that you’ll live a long, full life, but we’re two bucks short….We’ve written Fred Wolf….Right now, it’s just a waiting game, buddy.”

So here’s a tip: sometimes I’m sitting around, thinking about all the world’s problems — the crime, misery, disease, racism — and I think, “Man, I should really get out there and do something about it,” but then I get really sleepy, I take a nap, and I’m okay. So, back to you, Norm.

Norm: Hey, Fred Wolf, everybody! Fred Wolf!

In, uh, Montel Williams’ new book, Mountain, Get Out of My Way, the talk show host shares insights on how to set and achieve goals in life. Publishers expect it to be a bestseller, outdoing even his first book: Hair, Get Off of My Head. [some cheers and applause]

A Nobel Prize-winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a 15-year-old boy. So the arrest really shouldn’t come as a big surprise; his Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

Finally, some good news. According to her doctor, legendary actress Katherine Hepburn is recovering nicely from her recent illness, and they have even upgraded her condition to decrepit. So that…that’s a…it’s a nice…[surprised by lack of negative reaction] that’s nice. What, you don’t like her? You don’t like Katherine Hepburn, for God’s sake?

And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night!

[fade to black]