Tag: 2022

Weekend Update- Democrats Win Senate in 2022 Midterms, Rupert Murdoch Turns on Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

 Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

 Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

 Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of

[Cheers and applause] [There’s a picture of a newspaper article that says “Democrats Retain Power in Senate” at left top corner.]

Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. [Cheers and applause] I don’t know if that’s really official, but we’re not a real news program, so I’m just gonna call it. I was actually surprised they won given President Biden’s low approval ratings. I guess Biden’s kind of like the “Jurassic World” movies, extremely successful despite a 4Michael Che% rating. [Laughter] [Picture changes to Tucker Carlson]

Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through No Nut November, he criticized the voting— You guys are all doing it, too? Okay. Criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I’m actually not that worried about the voting machines. I’m worried that they’re being operated by the oldest people I’ve ever seen. Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers, one that said, “I voted,” and another that said, “I survived the Titanic.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The key Senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker will move on to a runoff in December. But Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know, take care of it, baby.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Black voters frustrated they must save the senate again”]

Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again. It’s happened so often, there’s already a movie about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hershel Walker at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: In a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America “The greatest country in the United States.” But, on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking saying, “I know I’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator.”

[Picture changes to Mark Kelly and Blake Masters]

Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters in the Arizona Senate race. Masters can now return to his true passion of… I’m gonna guess strangling hitchhikers?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024 but won’t make a final decision until early next year. Because it’s like his doctor told him, “I wouldn’t plan too far ahead.”

After this year’s election,a record setting 12 states will have female governors while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “25 year old elected to congress” at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen Z member of Congress. “Younger,” said Matt Gaetz.

[Picture changes to Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump]

Rupert Murdoch, this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the “New York Post” ran a cover calling Ron DeSantis Ron DeFuture, even though Rhonda Future sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then on Thursday, the “Post” showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline, “Trumpty Dumpty,”which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of the state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Covid leads to iPhone production delay at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: Apple is saying that COVID in China has led to a slowdown in iPhone production. Wow. So I guess the new variant does affect children.

I love this crowd.

 Colin Jost: Nearly half a billion dollars was spent in California on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online but failed by a wide margin. Said supporters of the bill, “Okay, double or nothing.”

Weekend Update Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker on 2022 Midterms

Michael Che

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last month, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concern about Republicans chances in the midterms blaming candidate quality. Here to explain what he meant is Mitch McConnell and Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

[Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker slide in]

Mitch McConnell: Alright Che. Pleasure, pleasure.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, let’s go team. Alright.

Michael Che: So Herschel, you’re a former NFL player?

Herschel Walker: Yes.

Michael Che: With no political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s right.

Michael Che: And you were caught lying about having three secret children?

Herschel Walker: Yes, sir.

Michael Che: So Senator McConnell, do you really think this guy’s ready to be a senator?

Mitch McConnell: It doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what I say and I’d say go Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Ay, well, I love you too, Mitch Mechanic. You see, we not so different. Me and Mint are like two peas in a bag.

Mitch McConnell: All right, well, Herschel, you already said some pretty bizarre things that they’ve got some Republicans worried. I mean, for example, you said “Our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air. So when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out.” What does that mean?

Herschel Walker: Oh, Che. I’ll slow down so you can understand. We all know air, right? Air bud, Air Jordan, Erin Brockovich.

Mitch McConnell: Indeed.

Herschel Walker: You see, science don’t understand. Everybody’s talking about climate. But what we really should be focusing on is putting Hawaii closer.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, yeah.

Herschel Walker: Bring that climate over here.

Mitch McConnell: That’s a good idea. How about that?

Herschel Walker: They don’t need it. They live. So, that’s something we need to look at very, very closely. Right Bish?

Mitch McConnell: Right. It’s Mitch.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, that’s exactly.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah.

Michael Che: Okay, well, Senator McConnell, I gotta ask. What qualification does this guy actually have to be in the Senate?

Mitch McConnell: There’s too many to name. First of all, he played football. And Georgia loves football.

Herschel Walker: Everybody loves football, baseball. In fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes. Okay?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right.

Herschel Walker: Listen, if we come from apes, why are there still apes out there? Riddle me that Obama Michelle.

Michael Che: What are you talking about? Do you have any real policy proposals?

Herschel Walker: Of course, I do. You know what I wrote a few down for Mitchell on the way over here. Here, go ahead. Read that data. Mitch.

Mitch McConnell: Sure. Proposal number one, barbecue Tuesday.

Herschel Walker: There it is.

Mitch McConnell: Number two, let’s get a daytime moon, that way no more rain.

Herschel Walker: Boom.

Mitch McConnell: And number three, create a department of Instagram booty. Too many girls out here faking their cake.

Herschel Walker: You’re damn right.

Mitch McConnell: You know what? You know what, Herschel? Why don’t you just tell them about yourself?

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Yeah, thank you Stitch. I don’t mind if I do. Where’s my camera? Is it down here?

Michael Che: No, it’s right there, man. It’s there.

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Hi, America. My name is Herschel Bershell. And I play football for the US Senate. Whenever I’m in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers. George Carver Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. They changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I’m the government, we gonna see. Thank you.

Michael Che: Okay, Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker, everybody.

Herschel Walker: We’re gonna be looking into that.

Film Critic Terry Finks 2022 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well it’s officially Oscar season and here to give his predictions for Hollywood’s biggest night is film critic Terry Fink.

[Terry Fink slides in]

Terry Fink: Mr. Jost, it’s a privilege to be back my sir.

Colin Jost: Terry, I understand you’ve seen every single film up for an Oscar this year, is that right?

Terry Fink: Bingo host, and every film not nominated too. It’s been one heck of a 48 hours.

Colin Jost: Wait, I’m sorry. You watched every single movie from this year in the last two days. How is that even possible?

Terry Fink: Oh, all thanks to a little multivitamin I take called LSD. The LSD helps me LS-see all these terrific films. First up my pick for best flick, Power of the Dog. Who led this dog out of the closet? That’s the question posed by director Jane Campion in this hysterical gay Western. Benedict Cumberbatch rides high as the titular Dog, the Bounty Hunter. That is until bizarrely stepping through the screen just to make fun of my undies and the voice of my middle school boy. Aside from that, it’s the best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

Colin Jost: Yeah, Power of the Dog isn’t about dog, the bounty hunter. And you realize LSD isn’t a vitamin. It’s a hallucinogen.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha. You say tomato, I say [gibberish]. Next up in animation, fun for the whole Familia and Encanto feels worse than being on fire. Pan drawn by the legendary auteur, the Zodiac Killer. All gray throbbing the stress dream does dragon spots but local gangster rapper Lin Manuel Samantha saves the day once again with his catchy hit, Colin JostTerry Fink hours of screaming. This film warmed my heart, broke my brain and sold my kidney for Dogecoin. I give Encanto 10 Tiny terrified Terry’s. Mr. President?

Colin Jost: Man, Terry, I gotta say I’m really starting to worry about you.

Terry Fink: And I’m starting to worry there is no Terry. C’est la vie. Yeah. Okay, next up my pick for best original screenplay, Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast. Get the tissues ready as Johnny Knoxville and his band Bop around town and torture each other’s balls. In this troubles era tear jerker. But it’s Dame Judi Dench, who literally sewers as we man shot out of a cannon directly into my open mouth. I couldn’t stop laughing or crying or doing the Nae-Nae until I was forcibly removed by Regal Cinemas strongest teams. I give Jack ass Belfast 4D 20 twerking ticklish Terry’s. Terry?

Colin Jost: You’re Terry.

Terry Fink: And you’re a wonderful friend. Too bad I’m gonna eat your face.

Colin Jost: Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I’m gonna do it though. Yeah.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Beijing 2022 Olympics

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This weekend, NBC announced that it will not be sending any correspondence to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing. Here to Communist Chinese trade minister and games organizer, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in] [cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: Hmm, I’ve never been with a trade, daddy. Ayy! What’s up Che Diaz?

Michael Che: I told you, I don’t get that reference. So, how is Beijing feeling about the Olympics?

Chen Biao: Oh, we are pumped. Everyone loves the Winter Olympics. Sliding down snow, sliding down ice, gravity’s got a point and she is the moment.

Michael Che: Well, how does China feel about NBC not sending correspondence?

Chen Biao: Oh, we’re fine. Are you guys okay? NBC is announcing the games from their studios in Connecticut. You know what else films in Connecticut? Maury. Good luck commentating over cries if you are not the father? I mean, how are you going to describe the atmosphere in this stadium? Like, “The vibe is 2AM in Stanford?” Have fun walking home at that hour from Metro North, Grayson.

Michael Che: Who is Grayson?

Chen Biao: Probably some coked out finance guy trying to find his escort in the Wendy’s parking lot.

Michael Che: Anyway, journalists that are in Beijing say the city is completely locked down.

Chen Biao: Well, it’s just for COVID safety. And the protocols aren’t even that restrictive. It’s plane, COVID test, bus, another test, another test, speed skating, anal swab.

Michael Che: Anal swab?

Chen Biao: It’s accurate, and it’s fun.

Michael Che: Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing burner phones to avoid being tracked.

Chen Biao: Burner phones? What is this? The Wire? Must be Season 2 because you’re white and no one cares.

Michael Che: Well, the biggest story is that several countries including the US are planning diplomatic boycotts over China’s human rights violations.

Chen Biao: Human rights. We don’t have that. [a cute picture of a baby pandd with Olympics logo on his belly appears] Plus, is this the face of a country that would violate human rights? Official games mascot Bing-Dwen-Dwen. As you can see, he’s a panda going to a rave. I don’t know, I designed him while I was on ketamine. He’s gonna try and hook up with Shawn white.

Michael Che: Great. So what do you have planned for the opening ceremony?

Chen Biao: Okay, well press release. I’m performing in it. The vibe is gonna be like, Beachella meets Wong Kar-Wai Film meets Dave Chappelle stand up special.

Michael Che: How’s it gonna be like Dave Chappelle stand up special?

Chen Biao: There’s gonna be a lot of people protesting after.

Michael Che: Looks like you’re really making light of some serious issues.

Chen Biao: Okay, fine. You want me to get real? Look, we’re hosting the Winter Olympics because no one else stepped up. It’s our party and we’ll spy if we want to. The IOC chose China and y’all knew what you were getting into. So, now what? We’re in bed and you have posts-nut clarity? Whatever, flop. If you need me, I’ll be skiing the slopes in my Gaga House of Gucci ski goggles. Father, son, house of Daddy.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.