Colin Jost
Punkie Johnson
Mikey Day
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day.
[Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day slide in]
Punkie Johnson: What’s up, Colin?
Colin Jost: All right, guys. So what can we expect from this year’s Oscars?
Mikey Day: Well, Colin, I’d love to tell you. But when Punkie and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punkie, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers.
Punkie Johnson: This is true. She doesn’t even know their names really. Here are some examples. And these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punkie called Tony Hawk “Tony Hawking” to his face.
Colin Jost: So Punkie you confuse the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking.
Punkie Johnson: I mean, look, they bold white men with wheels. So I mean-
[Michael Che laughing]
Mikey Day: But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punkie told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.
Colin Jost: And who is Rick Bernstein?
Mikey Day: That is what I said.
Punkie Johnson: Well, so I said it’s the guy with the jeans. Duh.
Mikey Day: The guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punkie was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein.
Punkie Johnson: Alright, look. I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. That dude do wasn’t big in my house. So sue a bitch.
Mikey Day: So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it’d be more fun to play a game we call “Who does punky mean?” Are you down to play?
Colin Jost: I feel like I don’t have a choice.
Mikey Day: Right. Everyone, you can play along. It’s super fun. Number one, Punkie referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship.
Colin Jost: I don’t know. Claire Danes maybe?
Mikey Day: Okay, let’s see. Is it Claire Danes? No. It’s Anne Hathaway.
Punkie Johnson: Time out, time out.
Mikey Day: That really happened.
Punkie Johnson: No. Put the picture back up. Okay, I’m sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire?
Mikey Day: Okay. She does. That’s fair. You’re right. Number two. Zoey Dechanaise. Who does punky mean? Tell me what you’re thinking, Colin.
Colin Jost: I am thinking that this one has to be Zoey Deschanel.
Mikey Day: Okay, lock it in. Is Zoe Deshanaise Zoey Deschanel? Nope. Zoe Kravitz.
Punkie Johnson: Wait. No. All right, okay. All right look, see what happened was I’m getting my makeup done for the show because you know I gotta look good for Nor Michaels.
Colin Jost: Nor Michaels?
Punkie Johnson: Anyway, I see Zoe walk past and I say, “Ay, don’t I know you?”
Mikey Day: Yes, you did because she was hosting this show. That happened that week.
Punkie Johnson: My bad, Ms. Dachanese.
Mikey Day: Okay, last one. Here we go. Patrick Dempsey.
Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think there’s no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I’m gonna say Patrick Stewart.
Mikey Day: Okay. No, she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. She knows Patrick Dempsey.
Punkie Johnson: You’re damn right. I do know Mr. Dempsey. Dr. Derek Shepherd, baby.
Colin Jost: You’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy?
Punkie Johnson: Hell, yeah. I love every show Bobby Rhimes.
Colin Jost: You mean Shonda Rhimes?
Punkie Johnson: No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes.
Colin Jost: No. Punkie and Mikey, everyone.