Paul Rudd
Tom Hanks
Tina Fey
Kenan Thompson
Steve Martin
Martin Short
[Starts with Tom Hanks walking into the SNL stage]Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.
[cheers and applause]Tom Hanks: Hello, hello. Thank you. I’m Tom Hanks. Thank you, surviving crew members. Tonight, everyone at Saturday Night Live planned to do our big Christmas show and adopt a new member into the five timers club. But COVID came early this year. So, in the interest of safety, we do not have an audience and we sent home our cast, most of our crew, but I came here from California and I didn’t think I was gonna fly 3000 miles and not be on TV, well, you got another thing coming. And I am not alone. Isn’t that right, Tina?
[Tina Fey walks in]Tina Fey: Whoo! Yeah. Clapping by myself. Making the weirdness festive. Yes, I am here and this is not the smallest audience I’ve ever performed for because I have done improv in a Macy’s.
Tom Hanks: Tina, another five times. Thank you for joining me. As you know, I started the five timers club.
Tina Fey: Oh, like you started COVID.
Tom Hanks: Exactly. And tonight, we plan to welcome Paul Rudd to the club and we are not going to let this stop us. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.
[Paul Rudd walks in the stage through the door]Paul Rudd: Wow.
Tom Hanks: Good to see you, kiddo.
Paul Rudd: Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming. Thanks for coming. I’m extremely disappointed.
Tina Fey: Oh, yeah, I know, buddy.
Tom Hanks: Well, it’s not all that bad. People magazine just named you the most sexist man of the Year.
Paul Rudd: Oh, I think it was sexiest.
Tom Hanks: [sarcasm] Okay, right, yeah.
Paul Rudd: Well, there was a whole show planned. And I just can’t believe I’m not going to get my five timer jacket.
Tom Hanks: Or will you? Here to bestow this great honor is the longest tenured cast member, Mr. Kenan Thompson.
[Kenan Thompson walks in with a 5 timers’ jacket]Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. Good to see you. Good to see you. [looking around] Whoa! Where is everybody?
Paul Rudd: Kenan, having you heard?
Kenan Thompson: Heard what? About the thing that’s going around?
Paul Rudd: Yeah, covid.
Kenan Thompson: Well, is that real?
Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s real.
Kenan Thompson: I’m just kidding. Come on. We’re having a good time. Congratulations on hosting the show four and half times.
[Kenan Thompson puts on the jacket on Paul Rudd]Paul Rudd: Oh! Look at that. It’s beautiful. Look at this stitching.
Tina fey: Yeah, Lorn’s getting really good.
Paul Rudd: Wow.
Tom Hanks: Now, Paul, I know this is it exactly the five timer experience you were hoping for but someone did pre record a very special message just for you. Can we roll that? Let’s roll that.
[Cut to a video clip from Steve Martin]Steve Martin: Hi, it’s me, famous Steve Martin. Tonight. I just want to congratulate Tom…
Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…
Steve Martin: I’m a huge fan of Tom…
Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…
Steve Martin: …and Tom…
Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…
Steve Martin: …one of my favorite movies, Forest…
Dubbed voice: …Ant-man.
[Martin Short walks in with a glass of water]Martin Short: [whispering] It’s Paul Rudd.
Steve Martin: Oh, it’s Martin Short. You remember the five timers club? Right?
Martin Short: No.
Steve Martin: How many times have you hosted?
Martin Short: Three.
Steve Martin: Huh! [Steve Martin pushes Martin Short away] So congratulations, Tom…
Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…
[Cut back to the SNL stage]Paul Rudd: Oh, wow. Thanks.
Tom Hanks: I just thought that was great.
Kenan Thompson: And don’t worry, we still have a great show for everybody, including brand new sketches taped earlier this week.
Tina Fey: And we were also going to show some of our personal favorite sketches from past episodes.
Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s gonna be a little bit like a new Beatles documentary. A lot of old footage, but enough new stuff that you’re like, “Okay, yeah, I’ll watch that.”
Tom Hanks: So, get us started Mr. Sexy five timer.
Paul Rudd: Okay.