Tom Hanks[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ou! I know Thank you. It has been so great to be here hosting the season finale of ‘Saturday Night Live’. [cheers and applause] And tonight is extra special for me because this is my 5th time hosting this amazing show.[cheers and applause] So, thank you guys so much. But, you know, I really don’t want to make big deal about it.[Alec Baldwin walks in]
Alec Baldwin: And yet, we must.
Dwayne Johnson: Alec, my friend! Um, weren’t you just in the Cold Open?
Alec Baldwin: Oh, it’s never enough doing that. What a season it’s been for me. But tonight is not about me. It’s about you. I’m here to officially welcome you into the five timers’ club. [snaps his fingers] Shall we?[cheers and applause] [Alex Moffat brings in the 5 timers’ robe and puts it on Dwayne Johnson. It’s the same robe as Alec is wearing.]
Dwayne Johnson: Wow! Thank you. See? Thank you so much. It is an honor to get this from you. And I gotta tell you, Alec. You have been amazing playing the president this year.
Alec Baldwin: I can’t take all the credit. I have to thank the– um– [snapping his fingers] what do you call those pale people who take the subway?
Dwayne Johnson: Um, writers.
Alec Baldwin: Yes, them. I love them.
Dwayne Johnson: Well, you know, Alec, it’s funny. You know? A lot of people have been telling me lately that, well, I should fun for president of the United States. Yes, yes. And I gotta tell you, it’s very flattering. But tonight, I want to put that to rest and just say once and for all, I’m in![cheers and applause]
Yes! Starting tonight, I am running for president of the United States. Yes. And I gotta tell you. I have already chosen my running mate. [pointing at Alec Baldwin] He is also in the five timers’ club. And like me, he is very well liked, charming, universally adored by pretty much every human alive.
Alec Baldwin: Dwayne, I would be honored to–
Dwayne Johnson: Mr. Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.[Tom Hanks walks in wearing the same five timers’ robe. Alec Baldwin is embarrassed.] [cheers and applause]
Tom Hanks: Stop! Stop! Dwayne! Dwayne! I could not possibly turn this down. I will do it. I am in. Let’s go!
Dwayne Johnson: We’re in.
Alec Baldwin: Yes! Yes. I will be in the cabinet.
Dwayne Johnson: No!
Alec Baldwin: Because all three of us are equally beloved. Not a single black mark on any of our public personas.
Tom Hanks: Yeah, sure. Hey, Alec, I think I saw Lorne talking to your wife.
Alec Baldwin: I’m gonna break that son of a bitch’s neck! [Alec Baldwin runs towards the studio]
Tom Hanks: Happens every time.
Dwayne Johnson: Yes. It happens every time. Yes. Yes. Now, in the past, I never would have considered running for president. I didn’t think I was qualified. But now, I’m actually worried that I’m too qualified.
Tom Hanks: Well, the truth is, America needs us. No one can seem to agree on anything anymore except for two things…
Dwayne Johnson: Pizza and us.
Tom Hanks: And us. I mean, I have been in two movies where a plane crashes and people are still excited to see me on their flight.
Dwayne Johnson: That’s true. That’s true. It’s very true. That’s true. True story. You know, and I one time ran a red light and the traffic cam footage alone made a billion dollars. Tom, I think we’re unstoppable.
Tom Hanks: Dwayne, together we would get 100% of the vote. I would get the senior vote, because I fought in World War II in like, 10 different movies.
Dwayne Johnson: Yes. Yes. And I of course would get the minority vote because everyone just assumes that I’m, well, whatever they are.
Tom Hanks: You’re Portuguese.
Dwayne Johnson: I am. Ha-ha-ha.
Tom Hanks: Plus, between us, we could handle any crisis. If god forbid, we could go to war, I can assure the nation…[music playing]
…we will sacrifice and we will suffer, but in the end we will win because we are the Americans and that is what Americans do.
Dwayne Johnson: That is amazing. That is amazing. That’s amazing. And if god forbid, California splits off and falls into the ocean, well, that’s my area.[music playing]
Dammit! If I don’t get down to the fault line and detonate the warhead the entire state is going to sink! Fuel up the submarine and tell the secret service to pack my trunks. The president’s going for a swim.[cheers and applause]
Tom Hanks: Man, there was a lot going on there.
Dwayne Johnson: There is. It’s how I roll, Hanksy. Yeah. But listen, America, before you get too excited, this isn’t real. Tom and I are joking.
Tom Hanks: Yeah. I just wanted to be on TV with Dwayne.
Dwayne Johnson: [laughing] Yes. Well, you know, it’s just that when it comes to politics, we need more poise and less noise. Americans deserve strong, capable leaders. Leaders who care about this country and care about its people.
Tom Hanks: Wow. Um, Dwayne, that kind of sounds like you and me. I guess we got to do it! Come on! Let’s go![A backdrop with ‘Johnson Hanks 2020’ written on it is dropped]
Dwayne Johnson and Tom Hanks: We’re doing it! There you are! There you are! There you are!
Dwayne Johnson: We have got a great show. Katy Perry is here. Stick around. Hanks and Johnson will be right back.