Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Weekend Update- Starbucks Turns 50, Naked Rock Climber

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Starbucks celebrated 50th anniversary. Also celebrating its 50th anniversary, [cut to turkey bacon sandwich inside Starbucks] the turkey bacon sandwich in the display case.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: 15 million doses of Johnson&Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix up at the factory. But the good news is, now your shampoo might cure covid.

[Picture changes to Pfizer logo]

Pfizer also said that its covid vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. “Well, that’s a relief”, said Matt Gaetz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a soccer ball at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US Men soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row. But fellas, keep your heads up and remember that win or lose, you will always get paid more than the women’s team.

[picture changes to a rock cliff]

A New Jersey woman who posts pictures of herself rock climbing while naked says that it is not pornographic but– I don’t know, that rock looks pretty hard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There a picture of a robot inside a plane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that used ultraviolet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone, Spirit airlines just taped a glow stick to a roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at April 2, a ferret and a jar of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday was national peanut butter day and national ferret day. And I celebrate both with a very, very dangerous trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Taiwan and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. I’m sorry, “Thought he was cheating”?