Alan… Simu Liu
Helen… Aidy Bryant
Kenan Thompson[phone ringing]
Ego: 911. What’s your emergency?
Mikey: Oh, yes. Hi. I think I might be dead.
Ego: You think you’re dead? Sir?
Mikey: Yes. I’m at a Friendsgiving party and I smoked some marijuana. And I ODed. And now I’m dying or I believe myself to be dead. So, can you send the hospital to here please?
Ego: Okay, sir. You cannot OD on marijuana.
Mikey: No, but I did because when I breathe, the air goes down into my stomach like food, not like breathing air. So, I believe I’m dying. Will I be like this forever, ma’am.
Cecily: Jesus Christ, Arthur. Who did you call? Hello.
Ego: Hello ma’am. This is 911 Emergency Services.
Cecily: Oh! I am so sorry, miss. Myself and some other professors from Crembly college are having a little get together. And we smoked a joint one of my grad students gave me.
Mikey: You tell her I’m dead?
Cecily: We’re fine. Just some nerdy lit professors who can’t handle their weed. Okay, goodnight huh.
Ego: Good night, ma’am. [phone ringing] 911, What’s your emergency?
Alan: Hello. My name is Alan and I am dead.
Ego: Now, sir, are you at the same Friendsgiving get together with the gentlemen who just called?
Alan: Oh, yes, yes. You must come here, but I’m not where time is. Will, you still be able to come here even though I’m not where time is.
Ego: Well, sir, I promise you you’re fine and you are where time is. Have you ever smoked marijuana before?
Alan: Yes. Once at Counting Crows concert in 1992.
Ego: Okay. So, the weed of today is much stronger. And that’s why you’re having this reaction.
Alan: Oh, are you mad at me?
Ego: No, sir. Is there someone who’s more mellow that I can speak to?
Alan: Oh, yes. Yes. My wife Helen’s right here.
Ego: Is this Alan’s wife?
Helen: Well, I was but I’m dead now.
Ego: Great. Okay, you too.
Helen: Does everyone know we’re high? Do people know?
Ego: I do.
Helen: Oh my god. You guys. Everyone knows. [hangs up the phone]
Ego: Old people gotta stop smoking weed. [phone ringing] Hello, 911. What’s your emergency?
Alan: Yes. Are you still mad at me?
Ego: I never was sir.
Alan: Okay, well, could you please send the hospital to here please?
Ego: Sir, I’ve never done this in my 10 years as a 911 operator, but I’m hanging up on you. Goodnight. [phone ringing] Yes.[Kenan is speaking from under the table]
Kenan: Yes. Hello, is this 911?
Ego: Yes, sir.
Kenan: Wonderful. Send every ambulance in the world to me, please.
Ego: Did you smoke marijuana at this friendsgiving too?
Kenan: Yes. And my head feels tight on my head. But if I remove it, my ideas and memories will escape. I need help with this. Come now. Thank you. Goodbye.
Ego: Grown adults taking up my damn time. [phone ringing] 911. What’s your emergency?
Cecily: Hi, sweetie.
Ego: Let me guess. You’re dead. I can’t keep taking these calls from you all. There are real emergency we need to deal with.
Cecily: Well, I got one for you. I put a book in the oven instead of a turkey. And now my kitchens on fire. Classic stoner move.