A Kanye Place

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

David… Donald Glover

[Starts with five people walking in a farm at night. It’s dark. They are whispering while speaking.]

Cecily: I’m so scared.

Beck: Shh. Don’t let the monsters hear us.

Kenan: We have to be quiet.

Aidy: [to Kenan] I love you.

[David is using his phone as he’s walking. He gets surprised.]

David: You guys.

Cecily: Shh.

David: Kanye just tweeted–

Aidy: David! Shh!

David: He said he would have voted for Trump.

Cecily: Wait, seriously? When?

Kenan: Guys, don’t talk unless it’s absolutely necessary. The monsters can’t see us but they can hear us. And if we’re too loud, we’ll all be killed.

[David looks at the phone again]

David: Kanye has the hat and everything.

Beck: Shh!

David: He signed it. He signed the hat, y’all!

Kenan: Let me see that. [in loud voice] Oh, common, Kanye!

[Suddenly something pulls Kenan into the bushes. He’s gone.] [Cut to A Kanye Place video bumper] [Cut to the farm. The other four are still there. Beck gestures not to make a sound.] [David looks at the phone. He is shocked again]

David: Trump tweeted Kanye.

[Beck gestures “We don’t care. Shut up.”]

Aidy: Kanye is a distraction. We should only talk about what’s important.

Beck: Like, how to survive the monsters.

Aidy: And then I guess also like, the midterms. Coz like, what’s happening with that?

Cecily: I don’t know. I can’t keep up.

[David looks at the phone]

David: Guys, they’re at Chrissy Teigen’s house.

Cecily: No, Kanye. Leave Chrissy Teigen out of this.

David: It really feels like damage control.

Cecily: Did Chrissy Teigen cook anything?

[David looks at the phone]

David: Combo.

Beck: Shh. The monsters will hear us.

Aidy: Well, why are we even talking about this?

David: Because it’s out. It’s all about them. And guess who as at the baby shower. Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Cecily: [in loud voice] From Modern freaking Family?

[Suddenly something pulls Cecily into the bushes. She’s gone.]

Aidy: Oh, my god! She’s gone.

Beck: What if we die here?

David: What if Kanye’s just playing us?

Aidy: You think that’s what’s happening? That is so scary.

David: Thank god he just released a new track.

Aidy: What? But we can’t take the risk of listening to it. Two people just got taken by monsters.

David: I’ve got earbuds.

Aidy: Then cue it up, bitch.

[The music plays without earbuds. Beck takes the phone from them and throws it to the bushes.]

Beck: You idiots.

Aidy: Did he just say, “Poopadi scoop?” [referring to Kanye’s song]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.

Aidy: I need to know if he said “Poopadi scoop.”

[Aidy walks in the bushes to find the phone Beck threw.] [in loud voice] Yes, he said “Poopadi scoop!”

[Suddenly something pulls Aidy into away. Beck and David start running.] [Cut to Beck putting sand on the floor. David is still lookin at a phone. The red lights around them turn on.]

Beck: Oh, no. The red lights. It’s an emergency.

David: I know. Kanye was just on TMZ and he said, “Slavery was a choice.”

Beck: [yelling] Nooo!

[Suddenly something pulls Beck into the bushes. She’s gone.] [Cut to David getting inside a room. There are security camera monitors in that room. There he sees something running on four feet. But David changes the screen visual into Kanye’s speech.]

Kanye: I don’t want y’all to call me fat, so I go liposuction. Right? And they gave me Opoids.

[David takes his phone and starts listening to Kanye’s new music]

David: Hmm, kind of grows on you.

[The monster catches David too.] [The End]