Genetic Lab

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Aaron… Sam Rockwell

Mikey Day

[Starts with Cecily giving a tour of her lab to visitors from Department of Health]

Cecily: Which brings us to the last stop on our tour. The next gene labs innovation hub. Here, our genetic engineers are developing cutting edge technologies that will revolutionize medical science. And if the department of health gives us approval to continue our research, this company can save lives.

[The visitors are clapping]

Well, I’ve certainly done a lot of talking.

Beck: [in Aidy’s ear] You think?

Cecily: Um, uh, so… Now, I’m happy to answer any questions you may have.

Kenan: Uh, yeah, I have one. What’s that?

[pointing at three scientists testing a dog making a lego house. It has human hands.]

Cecily: Um, you know, I’m not entirely sure but I can promise you that it is cutting edge

Kenan: Okay, because it looks like a dog’s head on a human body.

Beck: Why did they make that?

Cecily: Great question. You know what, let’s see if we can get someone out to come speak with us.

[Cecily calls a scientist out.]

Aaron: What? I’m very busy.

Cecily: Oh, Dr. Goldman. The folks from the Department of Health are curious about your project.

Aaron: Well, make it quick. We’re on a virtue of major brekthrough.

[The dog-human is solving the Rubik’s cube]

Aidy: Um, what is your project?

Aaron: What does it look like? We made a dog head guy.

Beck: Yeah, okay, but why?

Aaron: Well, because we could.

[Another scientist walks out]

Mikey: Aaron, you might want to take a look at this.

[The dog-human has successfully solved the Rubik’s cube.]

Aaron: Wow!

Mikey: Yeah. We did it.

Kenan: Um, just out of curiosity, how much money have you spent on that thing?

Aaron: Oh, so far $35 million.

Aidy: Oh, that’s insane.

Aaron: I know. Worth every penny. [phone ringing] Dammit. [answers the phone] Hello? [dog barking] Oh, my god.

[Cut to the dog-huma. It’s him who is calling Aaron]

He’s making phone calls now. We are done here.

[Aaron walks away]

Beck: I’m sorry. I think this has to be breaking some sort of law.

Cecily: Oh, no, no, no. Every project is thoroughly vetted by our legal council.

Kenan: And where might we find this person?

Aaron: You’re looking at him, pal. There’s no law that says you can’t make a dog head guy. I googled it.

[The dog-human is eating a sandwich]

Mikey: Aaron, hear me out. I think he’s ready to start wearing shoes.

Aaron: No. No. He’s just gonna chew them.

Mikey: How do you know, Aaron?

Aaron: Because I created him. And don’t forget that that is my dog’s head on my dead brother’s body.

[Melissa come in]

Melissa: Guys, he is talking.

Aaron: What? What did he say?

Melissa: He says he wants us to make a dog head girl.

Aaron: We got work to do.

Mikey: Yes, we do.

Cecily: So, you’re gonna shut us down, right?

Kenan: Oh, most definitely.

Aidy: Yeah.

New Student

Mr. Nicetro… Kenan Thompson

Broady… Luke Null

Jacquelin… Saoirse Ronan

Aaron… Mikey Day

Randy… Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

William… Chris Redd

Janitor… Alex Moffat

Linch… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mr. Nicetro speaking to the students]

Mr. Nicetro: Okay, class, before we dive into the unit review, I have cue the growns, rule breaks for midterm exam.

Students: Aw!

Mr. Nicetro: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Get it out now. Alright, first–

[New guy walks in]

New guy: Mr. C. Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my alarm clock. [throws his back pack to his classmate] Hold my back pack. [walks to Jacquelin] Mr. C, Kelly’s a thief. She stole my breath away.

Jacquelin: Go away.

New guy: Ha-ha. Ouch, that hurt my feelings. But you can make it up to me by taking me to the movie on Friday.

Jacquelin: No, for real. Just get out of my space.

New guy: Alright, cool. Turning me down. Must be lesbian.

[New guy lights up a cigarette] Hold this. [passes the cigarette to Brad] Oh, my god! Brad, is that a cigarette? [takes a puff] It is! It is a cigarette. Shame on you, Brad. I’ll take care of this, Mr. C. He’s a jerk.

[New guy looks at Randy] Oh, Finkle Stein. Let me have your yamaka-dot-kamaka. Mr. C, don’t give me any homework this week. It’s Rashishanika. Salam. [

New guy runs to Pete] Nerd-le-Stein. Nerd-le-dean. [grabs Pete’s lunch bag] Oh, what do we got here? A little bit of egg salad. Very good. I’ll do you a favor and throw that into trach.

[New guy reaches to William] Yo, yo, yo. What’s going on, my dude? What’s good? Oh, nice kicks! Damn, Jina!

[Janitor walks in]

Janitor: Bad time to get the trash?

New guy: Oh, it’s the Janitor. Question, is the first thing your wife says when you get home? You smell? Or you smell terrible? I’m kidding with ya. Now, Mr. C, enough foreplay. What do you say, we learn a little English lit?

[New guy takes his seat. He puts his feet on the table.] [Mr. Nicetro walks to New guy]

Mr. Nicetro: Shut up and get your feet out of the table.

New guy: Yes, sir.

Mr. Nicetro: Young man, in my 38 years as an educator, I have never seen anything as misguided and brazen as your behavior these last three minutes. Specially seeing as you are new here. And it is your first day at this school. None of us have ever met you. My name by the way is Mr. Nicetro. Not Mr. C. And the names you called them aren’t them either. Furthermore, this is an algebra 2 class, not English lit.

New guy: Oh, I’m sorry I had– I just wanted to make a splash.

Mr. Nicetro: Well, it was a belly flop. I think you owe everybody here an apology starting with the young lady you drooled over like a pig.

New guy: I’m sorry, Kelly.

Jacquelin: My name’s Jacquelin. And you’re right, I am a lesbian. It was really hard for me to come out. But you know, thinking about dating a guy like you makes me really glad I did.

William: My name is William, man! Not Lil D. Man, you said, “Yo, yo, yo,” I’m like, “Is this guy racist?” And then by “Damn Jina,” I was like, “Yeah.”

New guy: I’m sorry again. I just wanted to make the splash.

Aaron: Cool man. Hey, my name is Aaron. You called me Brad. I’m allergic to smokes. So I had to stick epipen into my leg after our interaction. So, thank you for that.

New guy: Oh, really. Dang!

Randy: For future reference, my name is Randy Goodman. Not Finkle Stein. And it’s Yamaka, not yamaka-dot-kamaka.

New guy: I was just trying to make everyone laugh. Also, I’m really sorry for whoever’s lunch I threw in the trash.

Pete: Oh, no worries, man. It’s not like I have a stomach issue and everything in that lunch was carefully picked out by a dietician. Killer joke!

Janitor: And that leaves me. I’m sorry your work isn’t up to your standards. And if you wanna let my wife know how bad I smell, she’s easy– She’s easy to find. Plot 199-J at New Haven cemetary.

[Janitor walks out staring at New guy]

Mr. Nicetro: Well, young man, today was not your day. But, perhaps, you’ll be able to move pass this socially. Now, what is your name?

New guy: Broady Cho.

[Jacquelin starts laughing]

Mr. Nicetro: Nope! Never mind. You’re doomed!

[Linch walks in. He is wearing a leather jacket.]

Linch: Oh, you’re starting without me?

Mr. Nicetro: Oh, Mr. Linch. How nice for you to join us.

Linch: Yeah, I’m sorry Mr. Nicetrum. You know, I lost track of time when I was writing in my diary about how much I love this class.

[Everybody cheers]

Mr. Nicetro: B! See Mr. Cho, that’s how it’s done. Come on, get in.