Steve… Taran Killam
Stacy… Cecily Strong
Mike… Bobby Moynihan
Gordon… Beck Bennett
Abit Bana Wilkin… Jim Carrey
Tony… Jay Pharoah[Starts with Secret Billionaire intro] [Cut to the show]
Steve: Welcome back to Secret Billionaire. At the top of our show, we met Stacy. A waitress and aspiring pilot. Stacy, you came on Secret Billionaire because you’re looking for a man of wealth.
Stacy: That’s right, Steve. I want a life of luxury.
Steve: Well, tonight, we have four eligible bachelors, but here’s the twist, only one of them is an actual billionaire. Gentlemen, please introduce yourselves.[Cut to Mike]
Mike: What’s up Stace? I’m Mike. I’m an internet genius. Ha-ha![Cut to Gordon]
Gordon: Hi Stacy. I’m Gordon, heir to a massive chain of retail stores.[Cut to Abit. He is very old and is on a wheelchair.]
Abit: And I’m Abit Bana Wilkin, senior member of Illuminati.[Cut to Tony]
Tony: And I’m Tony. Hip Hop mobile.[Cut to everybody]
Steve: Well, Stacy, it’s time to get to know your bachelors. [Cut to Steve and Stacy] Keep in mind, only one of them is telling the truth.
Stacy: Okay, guys, I’m a good girl but I have a crazy side. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?[Cut to Mike]
Mike: Oh, man! There’s like, so many. But I would have to go with the time that I bought out a whole movie theater just so I wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone. Ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Steve and Stacy]
Stacy: Wow, save some popcorn for me. Tony.[Cut to Tony]
Tony: Well, I once filled my entire hot tub with gold and $100 bills. Then I took a bling bath. [laughing] [Cut to Steve and Stacy]
Stacy: Ooh! Abit.[Cut to Abit]
Abit: It’s simple. In 1978, I rigged an election in Panama. As I had high stakes in a banana futures. Things got messy and the bastards made off of those sovereign, my left hand. But fortunately, I replaced it with one of my own creations. [Abit shows his robotic hand] This mechanic-tronic hand, strong enough to crush steel but soft enough for manual pleasure.[Cut to Steve and Stacy]
Stacy: Ooh! The hand is cool.
Steve: I know. Really think about their answers, Stacy. Next question.
Stacy: Okay, guys. I love to travel. If we could go anywhere in the world, where would you take me?[Cut to Gordon]
Gordon: That’s easy. I would take you in my own personal helicopter that I own to the city of love, Paris. Where we’ll have champagne on the bar at the top of the Eiffel tower.[Cut to Steve and Stacy]
Stacy: Wow, I love bars. Mike?[Cut to Mike]
Mike: I would fly you to Japan just to get fresh sushi for dinner.[Cut to Steve and Stacy]
Stacy: Um, amazing. Abit.[Cut to Abit]
Abit: I would take you to the wide open spaces of the upper Utah where hot air balloon will be waiting. I would have send in it alone and pleasure myself to completion. And observe my essence fall 3,000 feet and marvel at the majesty of mother earth as she accepts my seed for purchase. And after that, we would go to Applebees and eat among the dollars.[Cut to Tony staring at Abit being surprised]
Tony: Okay. I’d take you to the Luxa.[Cut to Steve and Stacy]
Steve: [laughing] You have got your work cut out for you, Stacy.
Abit: Stacy, I brought you something. [Cut to Abit. He has a puppy in his hands.] This puppy is wearing an exact replica of a suit worn by the man in seat 3A in the Malaysian airliner that [showing his two fingers as quoting] “disappeared”. It serves as both a gift and a warning.[Cut to Steve and Stacy]
Stacy: Aw! I love puppies. Okay, final question. Guys, I love the holidays. What do you do to feel jolly?[Cut to Abit]
Abit: I was alone and bored one Christmas. So, I rented out an airplane hanger and filled it with 250 men named Dennis and one name Brian. I watched from two way glass above just to see what they would do. Would the Dennisses even know? Soon they started introducing themselves. “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” And I watched Brian very carefully. Would he be frightened and disoriented? Fully immersed in a world out of his control? A world of Dennisses? Or would he become a sort of unofficial leader? For 10 hours they mingled, trying to make sense of it all. And I sat the whole time and wrapped the tension, gently sipping on a glass of octopus urine.[Cut to Steve and Stacy]
Stacy: Aw, I love seafood.
Steve: Stacy, this is gonna be a tough decision, but the clues are out there. When we come back, it’s time for our one-on-one dates.[Cut to everybody]
Abit: How much do you charge for your dignity? [Abit moves forward to Stacy on his wheelchair] [cheers and applause]