Weekend Update- Tucker Carlson’s Texts About Trump, Biden’s Billionaire Tax

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

This weekend bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America will finally face off in person. I’m of course talking about tomorrow’s Oscars. The Motion Picture Academy has rejected a request from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to make an appearance during the Oscars. But they promised that Volodymyr Zelenskyy will be how John Travolta pronounces Viola Davis.

Organizers of the Oscar said they changed the color of the arrival carpet from red to champagne, so the mood would be more mellow. But I don’t know. Switching from red to champagne usually turns me into a full on bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden proposed his budget that would help fund Medicare with a 25% tax on billionaires. Hah! Take that, Rihanna. President Biden’s proposed budget included $400 million to counter Chinese disinformation. It will target the number one source of Chinese disinformation, fortune cookies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car, released security footage from the January 6 attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves it was a peaceful gathering. Which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it’s a short film about being a stepmom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: New documents from the Dominion lawsuit revealed text from Tucker Carlson, in which he says he hates Donald Trump passionately and can’t wait until he’s able to ignore him. That must suck, to go on TV, put on a smile and make friends with some psychotic bigot just because it’s good for the show. Anyway, back to you Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of RuPaul.]

Colin Jost: I don’t get it. RuPaul harshly criticized lawmakers who support banning drag shows calling them stunt Queen politicians. And let me just say, hallelu girl. I gotta serve realness on this one. These dusty breeders are resting on ugly and I am gagging on it. I’m sorry, guys. Before the show, I switched from red to shampoo.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are pictures of Joe Biden and TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Oh boy. President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban TikTok. But only because Biden thinks TikTok is a gang member from his old neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Walgreens logo.]

Colin Jost: After Walgreens announced that they will stop selling abortion pills in 25 states, CVS has remained silent on the issue. While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the take-a-bortion leave-a-bortion tray.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of King Charles and Meghan Markel.]

Michael Che: It was reported that the organizers of King Charles’s coronation have officially invited Meghan Markel. And this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. I think it’s actually very generous guys.

Forgot About Lorne ft Eminem

[Starts with Pete Davison just standing on SNL studio. Natasha Lyonne walks to him.]

Natasha Lyonne: Hey Pete, what’s up?

Pete Davison: Nothing. I’m just watching Lorne. He looks little sad, right?

Natasha Lyonne: Yeah, definitely.

Pete Davison: Right? I wonder what’s wrong.

Natasha Lyonne: Look, I wasn’t going to say anything, but I think he’s been pretty depressed because he secretly always wanted to do a music video with you.

Pete Davidson: Really?

Natasha Lyonne: Yeah.

Pete Davison: What makes you say that?

Natasha Lyonne: I found the script in the garbage.

Speaker 1: Pete and Lorne rap video. Written by Lorne. Weird. [Lorne is sobbing alone] You know what? That guy has literally done everything for me. So I’m gonna pay him back by doing this rap video exactly the way he wrote it.

Pete Davison: Honestly, that’s your business, man.

[Dr. Dre  – Forget About Dre ft. Eminem instrumental playing]

Pete Davison: [dressed as Lorne] [rapping] Y’all know me, still the same Big L, O-R-N-E
Got a mind as sharp as a razor, quick as a laser
First man to wear jeans and a blazer
In 30 Rock, behind my desk
Eating popcorn, flippin’ through my Rolodex
Could probably call Joe Biden and when I talk about Paul
Don’t know if it’s McCartney or Simon
Every Broadway play, I seen ’em
Got the Presidential medal of Freedom
Four newspapers on my desk
Bright and early each day and I always read ’em
When a cue card has a typo
I’m liable to go Michael’s, take your pick
I said Jackson, Tyson or Lorne, 1976

[Chorus] Nowadays, everybody wanna act like they’re breaking the form
But every time I’m looking online, it seems
It’s just a bunch of old memes
All these mother******* hacks forgot about Lorne
Nowadays, everybody wanna act like they’re breaking the form
But every time I’m looking online, it seems
It’s just a bunch of old memes
All these mother******* hacks forgot about Lorne

What do ya’ say about a comedy great?
Been doing it himself, for a half a century straight
Wanna talk about all the crazy people he made?
Every single decade has ridiculous names
Like David Space, Belushi, Wiig, and Farley
Aykroyd, Gilda, Sandler, and Carvey
Ferrell, Morgan, Will Forte, Norm Macdonald, and Tina Fey
He must’ve seen a lot of things, but he never snitched
He’s nice as hell, he’s Canadian, bitch
On a typewriter, he wrote “Three Amigos”
Jugglin’ egos, chicka-chickalike Petey baby
On the cover of “Page Six” daily
And a bunch of much nicer people
Like Kate McKinnon, Kyle Mooney
And don’t forget Baby Aidy

[Chorus] Nowadays, everybody wanna act like they’re breaking the form
But every time I’m looking online, it seems
It’s just a bunch of old memes
All these mother******* hacks forgot about Lorne

[music video stops]

Eminem: Pete! Pete! What are you doing, man?

Pete Davison: Oh, yo. What’s up, dude?

Eminem: It’s another parody? It’s like another tribute or something?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, yeah, it’s like, the third one.

Eminem: Yeah. I would just stop.

Pete Davidson: What?

Eminem: Yeah, they all suck.

Pete Davidson: Well, do you not like the videos or your just don’t like me?

Eminem: Just please, stop.

Pete Davidson: Alright, I will.

Eminem: It’s really bad.

Pete Davidson: Honestly, we just do these because we love you so much, Marshall. They’re like, a tribute, you know?

Eminem: Pete!

Pete Davidson: Huh?

Eminem: Don’t fucking do it again.

Pete Davidson: Got it.

Eminem: Okay. [walks away] [Pete Davidson sighs]

Pete Davidson: Well Lorne, [yelling] you blew it!

Talking About Ghetto

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Megan… Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four ladies eating in a restaurant]

Cecily: I like the food here but the bathroom is ghetto as hell.

Sasheer: So ghetto.

Megan: Oh, my god. Yes.

Cecily: Like they sell those like, double faucet sink.
Vanessa: I know. I hate that. Like, what year is it? Please get it together.

Sasheer: Yeah. Speaking of ghetto, I took an Uber X here and for the first time my driver picked me up in a busted ass Toyota. And literally, his wife was in the front seat.

Megan: Whoa! That is so ghetto.

Sasheer: It was the worst.

Vanessa: Oh, my god. I would have just walked.

Cecily: Megan, how’s your living situation?

Megan: Oh, so ghetto. I’m still living with that poor family in low income government housing. And my roommate, Mr. Odis lost his job at the car wash again. So he doesn’t have his part of the rent for like, the millionth time. And now he’s back to selling pot again. So our apartment’s like, always filled with randoms.

Sasheer: You mean, literally in the ghetto?

Vanessa: Um, sounds really awful.

Cecily: Yeah, I’m sorry.

Megan: And the landlord was like, banging on our door all frigging night because he needs the rent money ‘right now’. For god knows what. And I’m like, “What the hell? Who needs $285 at 3 am. So ghetto.

Vanessa: So, yesterday I ran out of Sriracha and had to put Texas Pete in my Pad Thai.

Sasheer: [laughing] So ghetto.

Cecily: I had to eat sushi with a fork coz the delivery guy forgot to bring me chopsticks.

Megan: [laughing] The elevator in my building was broken again. So, I had to walk up like, 17 floors upstairs. Even though ones they go outside. And there was just like, some baby standing in the staircase. And he is literally wearing a pamper. Nothing else. I mean, how ghetto is that?

Vanessa: [nodding head] Um, very.

Sasheer: Was the baby okay?

Cecily: Did you call the cops?

Megan: Oh, as if. I freaking took out my phone to dial 911 and the baby literally said to me, “Snitches get stitches, bitch.” And I’m like, “Um, OMG. You’re literally three years old right now. What are you even saying?” And then he asked me if I was in Instagram coz apparently I have a fatty for a white girl.

Vanessa: Um, that’s actually the most ghetto thing I’ve ever heard.

Sasheer: Ya, why do you live there? Aren’t your parents loaded?

Megan: I mean, barely.

Cecily: Um, so, I went out for drinks with this guy and he literally asked me to split the bill.

Sasheer: Ew! That’s so ghetto.

Vanessa: I can’t even imagine. Guys are like, so cheap.

Megan: Ah! I asked to J’Marcus for a drink. He took me to a bodega. He bought me a gallon of fruit punch for $1.09 and then was so pissed that they raised the price 10 cents.

Cecily: Who is J’Marcus?

Megan: Oh, you know those nine guys that are always standing in front of my building?

Vanessa: Um, the guys that are always in winter coat even in the summer time?

Megan: Yes. But the one that’s always shirtless holding a pitbull leash but no pitbull on it.

Cecily: Okay.

Sasheer: Ya. I mean, he makes me so mad. One time I asked him to buy me cigarettes and he literally just bought me two. Two loose cigarettes. They weren’t even the same brand. It’s so ghetto.

Sasheer: Megan, you gotta get out of that neighborhood.

Cecily: Seriously, why are you there?

Megan: Coz, it’s only eleven bucks from the train. I’m in the city under two hours. And they have the best tacos.

Vanessa: Oh, I friggin love tacos.

Cecily: Right. I’ll basically eat anything from a truck.

[Jay walks in. He walks in with a shopping cart. He looks homeless.]

Jay: Ay! Is one of y’all name Megan?

Megan: Okay, that’s my Uber cart. So, see you gals.

[Megan gets on the cart]

Jay: So, you want some gum?

[Cecily, Sasheer and Vanessa are waving bye to Megan]

Cecily: That crackhead’s cart is so ghetto.

Vanessa: Um, let’s stop saying that forever.

Cecily and Sasheer: Yeah.

[The End]