Doreen… Aidy Bryant
Kathlyn… Billie Eilish
Kathreen… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with pictures of people in Hotel service]
Kathreen: Services. Amenity. Elevator. Curtains with sticks. You’ll find all this and more at..
Kathreen and Kathlyn: Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.
[Cut to Kathreen and Kathlyn in the hotel]
Kathlyn: Hello, I’m Kathlyn, the front desk girl.
Kathreen: And I’m Kathreen, the same person as her. Other hotels provide relaxation, luxury and romance.
Kathlyn: Our rooms provide every comfort required by law.
Kathreen: Tiny soap in plastic.
Kathlyn: Phone that blinks.
Kathreen: Band Aid colored blanket.
Kathlyn: Chair for suitcase.
Kathreen: Black and white photo of First Wheel.
Kathlyn: Blow dryer that goes ooooooh.
Kathreen: Short glass wearing little hat.
Kathlyn: And small stain in place you have to touch.
Kathreen: And be sure to enjoy your hot tub.
Kathlyn: It’s always occupied by an eight year old boy in goggles staring at your breasts. He’s been in there for hours and he’s not getting out until you do.
Kathreen: Want to see the local sites? ask her conceirge, Doreen.
Kathlyn: But be warned she’s having a hard month every month.
Doreen: Looking for adventure? See the cave. Every town has a cave. I’d love to go but I can’t afford to and I apologize for crying when you stopped by earlier. I didn’t sleep well last night. My dogs have taken over the bed. And the feral cat I rescued, it bit me pretty hard. So please, for me, see the cave.
Kathlyn: Wisit us and see why TripAdvisor called us “A stock photo you can sleep in”.
Kathreen: And why the news called us the place that man did those things.
Kathlyn: We put the hospital in hospitality.
Kathreen: Situated between the DMV and a darkened Sonic, it’s the location that will make your Uber driver say, “You’re sure?”
Kathlyn: And breakfast means morning here at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.
Kathreen: Fill up on all your continental breakfast favorites like…
Kathlyn: Wet egg.
Kathreen: Cereal in gumball machine.
Kathlyn: DIY waffle.
Kathreen: Sausage that squirts.
Kathlyn: And yogurt in a fridge that gets padlocked at 8:59AM.
Kathreen: No mercy. You can look but yeah can’t touch.
Kathlyn: You wanted yogurt? Wake up at four, bitch.
Kathreen: And whatever you need, day or night, just guess Trevor, our bellhop.valet/Night Manager/in house doctor.
Trevor: will drop your bags. I will scratch your car. I will watch Joe Rogan videos on my phone, no headphones. If you’re a man, I will tell you where the strip clubs are. I will offer to get you cocaine and then I will flake. I am chaos.
Kathlyn: So, next time you travel please stay with us.
Kathreen: Our guests join us for all of life’s less sparkly moments.
Kathlyn: Business Conference.
Kathlyn: MagicL The Gathering Tournament.
Kathreen: Affair with old man.
Kathlyn: Meeting stranger who claims to have information.
Kathreen: Funeral for aunt who died driving the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway.
Kathlyn: Cult deprogramming.
Kathreen: After prom hand stuff.
Kathreen and Kathlyn: And hiding from the police.
Kathreen: So join us at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.
Kathlyn: It’s like we always say.
Kathreen and Kathlyn: We may not be the Ritz Carlton.
Male voice: Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn. See the cave.