Nicole Kidman AMC Ad

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Nicole Kidman walking. She opens her hoodie.]

Nicole Kidman narrating: We come to this place for magic. We come to AMC theaters to laugh, to cry, to care. Because we need that, all of us, that indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim.

Nicole Kidman: Oh, I can’t describe it.

Nicole Kidman narrating: And we go places we’ve never been before.

Nicole Kidman: Not just entertained, but somehow reborn… [Kenan walks in the theater with a drink and popcorn. Nicole Kidman looks at Kenan.] Together. [Kenan is confused. So he moves away.]

Nicole Kidman narrating: Dazzling images on a huge silver screen. Somehow heartbreak feels good in a place like this.

All: Heartbreak feels good in a place like this. Heartbreak feels good in a place like this. Heartbreak feels good in a place like this.

Nicole Kidman narrating: With sound that I can feel.

Nicole Kidman: Our heroes feel like the best part of us. And our stories feel perfect. It’s powerful.

[Punkie is walking outside. She hears what’s going on inside]

Punkie: What the hell?

Nicole Kidman: Because we are here. AMC, we make movies better.

Kenan: What the [bleep] just happened?

Jail Ad SNL

Abby Pudd… Willem Dafoe

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

[Starts with 1 narrating the ad]

Abby Pudd: Done something wrong? Gotten yourself in a pickle or a jam? And now you have to go to jail?  Don’t. People in there are so mean. So, come on down to Nice Jail. I invented it. It’s like regular jail but nice. Hi. My name is Amy Pudd– Abby Pudd. And I’m the founder of, and warden of, Nice Jail. Why make a nice jail? Because I went to actual jail once and frankly, people were mean. My cellmate took one look at me and said, “Oh, hell, no. I ain’t sharing no cell with your vampire-head ass.” Then, later, he said, “Why are you in bed, Dracula? You know y’all don’t sleep at night with your vampire-head ass.” That kind of thing would never happen at Nice Jail. I guarantee it. But don’t take it from me. Take it from one of our satisfied inmates.

Andrew: After I got arrested for public intoxication, I was scared to go to jail. So, I served 10 days at Nice Jail and no one was mean to me. Later, when I went to court, the judge told me that none of it counted. And then my lawyer said, “Who told you to do that?” I said, this guy named Abby who was standing in front of the DMV. “And then my lawyer turned to the judge and gave him a look like, “Can you believe this?” And the judge just shook his head like I was so stupid, it was causing him pain. Thanks, Nice Jail.

Abby Pudd: No, thank you. Now, as that observant young man noticed, legally speaking, Nice Jail doesn’t count. And, no, you can’t choose to come here instead of going to mean jail. So, you might be asking yourself, “Why would I go to Nice Jail?” There are so many reasons. You got released from real jail but think you could use a little more time. You did something wrong but no one knows yet. You always wanted to go to an escape room but you don’t like puzzles. You don’t want someone holding a mirror up to your face and asking, “Why does your vampire head-ass have a reflection?” Does that answer your question? If it doesn’t, here’s another glowing review.

Punkie: So, I came to Dallas thinking I had booked a room at the Marriott. Then, I got there and this guy Abby told me he bought the place and changed the name to Nice Jail. Then, he told me something about how no one here is gonna pass you in a cafeteria on Garlic Bread Day, knock down your tray and say, “I just saved your vampire-head ass. You’re welcome!” Anyway, I stayed in Nice Jail for three days and Abby kept in touch. Like,  a lot. Which I guess is nice.

Abby Pudd: It’s not just nice. It’s Nice Jail. And I keep in touch with all my former inmates, even the ones who have done something bad that no one knows about yet. Here are other nice things you can expect about Nice Jail. Compliments. Time to yourself. No one asking, “Where are your fangs with your vampire-head ass?” Dignity. Business center. No one coming up to you when you’re working in the library and saying, “Hey, we saw a bat on the yard. That was you, right?” And then you’re like, “How could that be me? I’m not a bat, and I’m in the library.” And then they’re like, “Quit lyin’ with your vampire-head ass. How come you don’t just fly out of jail?” And you’re like, “Don’t you think I would if I could?” I promise, that will never happen at Nice Jail. Even our staff is nice.

Chris: I was hired to run clerical matters here at Nice Jail, and it is a mess. The government pays for regular jail, but I’m pretty sure no one pays for this. Like, I don’t think Abby even bought the building. There’s no water, and he pays me in “I live here.” One time I asked for time off and he said, “That’s not nice. Why are you being mean to my vampire-head ass?” Seems like he’s really internalized this whole vampire thing. Anyways, I’m pretty sure the city will shut us down soon.

Abby Pudd: I’d like to see them try. So, come on down to Nice Jail! And remember…

All: It doesn’t count.

Male voice: Nice Jail. Seriously, it doesn’t count.

Hotel Ad

Doreen… Aidy Bryant

Kathlyn… Billie Eilish

Kathreen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with pictures of people in Hotel service]

Kathreen: Services. Amenity. Elevator. Curtains with sticks. You’ll find all this and more at..

Kathreen and Kathlyn: Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

[Cut to Kathreen and Kathlyn in the hotel]

Kathlyn: Hello, I’m Kathlyn, the front desk girl.

Kathreen: And I’m Kathreen, the same person as her. Other hotels provide relaxation, luxury and romance.

Kathlyn: Our rooms provide every comfort required by law.

Kathreen: Tiny soap in plastic.

Kathlyn: Phone that blinks.

Kathreen: Band Aid colored blanket.

Kathlyn: Chair for suitcase.

Kathreen: Black and white photo of First Wheel.

Kathlyn: Blow dryer that goes ooooooh.

Kathreen: Short glass wearing little hat.

Kathlyn: And small stain in place you have to touch.

Kathreen: And be sure to enjoy your hot tub.

Kathlyn: It’s always occupied by an eight year old boy in goggles staring at your breasts. He’s been in there for hours and he’s not getting out until you do.

Kathreen: Want to see the local sites? ask her conceirge, Doreen.

Kathlyn: But be warned she’s having a hard month every month.

Doreen: Looking for adventure? See the cave. Every town has a cave. I’d love to go but I can’t afford to and I apologize for crying when you stopped by earlier. I didn’t sleep well last night. My dogs have taken over the bed. And the feral cat I rescued, it bit me pretty hard. So please, for me, see the cave.

Kathlyn: Wisit us and see why TripAdvisor called us “A stock photo you can sleep in”.

Kathreen: And why the news called us the place that man did those things.

Kathlyn: We put the hospital in hospitality.

Kathreen: Situated between the DMV and a darkened Sonic, it’s the location that will make your Uber driver say, “You’re sure?”

Kathlyn: And breakfast means morning here at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Kathreen: Fill up on all your continental breakfast favorites like…

Kathlyn: Wet egg.

Kathreen: Cereal in gumball machine.

Kathlyn: DIY waffle.

Kathreen: Sausage that squirts.

Kathlyn: And yogurt in a fridge that gets padlocked at 8:59AM.

Kathreen: No mercy. You can look but yeah can’t touch.

Kathlyn: You wanted yogurt? Wake up at four, bitch.

Kathreen: And whatever you need, day or night, just guess Trevor, our bellhop.valet/Night Manager/in house doctor.
Trevor:  will drop your bags. I will scratch your car. I will watch Joe Rogan videos on my phone, no headphones. If you’re a man, I will tell you where the strip clubs are. I will offer to get you cocaine and then I will flake. I am chaos.

Kathlyn: So, next time you travel please stay with us.

Kathreen: Our guests join us for all of life’s less sparkly moments.

Kathlyn: Business Conference.

Kathreen: Intervention.

Kathlyn: MagicL The Gathering Tournament.

Kathreen: Affair with old man.

Kathlyn: Meeting stranger who claims to have information.

Kathreen: Funeral for aunt who died driving the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway.

Kathlyn: Cult deprogramming.

Kathreen: After prom hand stuff.

Kathreen and Kathlyn: And hiding from the police.

Kathreen: So join us at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Kathlyn: It’s like we always say.

Kathreen and Kathlyn: We may not be the Ritz Carlton.

Male voice: Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn. See the cave.

Target Thanksgiving Ad

[Starts with clips of a family enjoying Thanksgiving]

Female voice: Hosting Thanksgiving is a big job. Luckily, Target’s got you covered with incredible savings on everything you need for a perfect feast. Buy-One-Get-One deals on Classic Thanksgiving sides and sauces. And of course, butterball turkeys from $1.49 a pound. But hosting Thanksgiving also means hosting your family. And that can be a whole damn thing.

[Cut to family arguing at the dinner table]

That’s my target’s also got great deals on a bunch of stuff you’ll need specifically for them. Like, half off Nate’s Humane Tofurkey Loaf for your nieces annoying new boyfriend.

New Boyfriend: I don’t eat anything with feathers anymore. You know, I’ve watched that Netflix documentary. Horrifying. Horrifying what they do to these birds.

Female voice: And after dinner, the savings keep on coming with discounts on Wilson brand footballs so you can work off dinner in the backyard with the uncle who takes the game too seriously.

[Cut to family playing football at the back yard. One guy hits another guy really hard like it’s a real game.]

Uncle: Whoo! Second down.

Female voice: And for your dirtbag cousin, take 20% off motion sensor lights so he can smoke cigarettes in the driveway.

Cousin: [smoking at the drive. There’s a kid looking at him.] You wanna try, little man? And $50 off Apple noise canceling air pods for when grandpa weighs in on social issues.

Grandpa: The democrats, while that guy’s changed football to high heeled sleep. [a guy uses Apple noise canceling air pod to ignore the talk]

Female voice: Plus, take 30% off Purina brand dog food. Since someone in your family’s bringing their dog even though you ask them not to. [A dog is messing up the trashcan.]

And for kids, great deals on toys they can destroy when they’re left unsupervised in the basement. [Kids are destroying the toys in the basement]

Plus everyday low prices on wine and beer to get you through this conversation.

Grandma: You know who died? Jeannie Feldman.

Female voice: And this conversation.

New Boyfriend: The thing about crypto that’s so exciting is that it’s decentralized. Like if you think about the blockchain…

Female voice: Or this one.

Uncle: [to his neice] Hey, you brought your new girlfriend. She got some nice titties, huh?

Female voice: Plus, huge savings on family holiday must haves. BandAids, pain relievers, and of course more wine.

Uncle: Nice ass on her too.

Female voice: Hey, someone’s got to host your family for Thanksgiving. Ah, so if you do the short straw…

Ego: [washing dishes] Anyone gonna help me with these?

Female voice: Turn to target for everything your family needs.

Cousin: [drunk] Ay, just give me my keys. I drive around all the time.

[Cut to cousin sleeping on Target mattress]

Female voice: Target. Let’s do it all again at Christmas.

IBS Medicine Ad

Mom… Carey Mulligan

Dad… Mikey Day

Lauren Holt

Janitor… Kenan Thompson

Principal… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Mom and Dad at their son’s school concert. Their son is going to play guitar.]

Female voice: Life’s special moments are meant to be enjoyed. Not spend worrying about your irritable bowel syndrome.

[Mom feels pressure in her stomach]

Mom: [to Dad] I’ll be right back]

Dad: But Ryan’s solo is coming up.

[Mom runs to the toilet]

Female voice: It can strike at any time. Robbing you of life’s special moments. [Ryan looking at his sad being sad] But now, there’s help. [when Mom’s walking back to her seat, Lauren stops her and gives her a pack of pill] With Tremfalta. Tremfalta is a once daily pill that helps control your IBS syndrome. Instead of it controlling you. [Mom takes her seat and now her son is happily playing the guitar]. So you can enjoy more of life’s special moment.

Janitor: [yelling] Oh my god!

All: Shh!

Janitor: Who did this? It is everywhere. On the wall? Ugh!

Female voice: Tremfalta works by slowing your body’s digestive process decreasing the intensity and volatility of bowel movements so you can get back to what really matters.

[Janitor calls principal and shows the bathroom]

Principal: Oh!

Janitor: What did I tell you?

Female voice: Because some of life’s moments are too important to miss.

Principal: Stop the concert. Kids, I’m sorry. Someone has done something very, very bad in the bathroom. Something very disrespectful. [Lauren is shaking her head] Who did this filth?

Dad: [whispering to Mom] Didn’t you go–

Mom: [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

Female voice: Consult your doctor before use. Side effects may include–

Janitor: [yelling] Something is wrong with you, you sick son of a bitch.

Female voice: Side effects may–

Janitor: [yelling] You just lit up the toilet. You just lit the whole damn thing up.

Female voice: Side effects–

Janitor: I have kids! Damn!

Female voice: Never miss a special moment again.

[Mom hugs Lauren and whispers in her ears]

Mom: [whispering] If you say anything, I will destroy your life.

Lauren: What?

Mom: [looking at her family] Wait for mom.

Female voice: With Tremfalta.

Dad: I think we got a star on our hands.

Election Ad

Kenan: Everyone knows this could be the most important election in our nation’s history.

Melissa: And the two choices couldn’t be more different.

Bowen: Do we want four more years of Donald Trump?

Ego: Or a fresh start with Joe Biden?

Punkie: Can we survive four more years of scandal, name calling and racial division?

Alex: Or do we want a leader who unites the country?

Pete: I wanna vote for Biden because he’s better, smarter, better and better. But I’m worried.

Beck: I’m worried too.

Bowen: Because if Donald Trump isn’t our president…

Ego: Then what are we gonna talk about?

Kenan: Like, what will our conversations even be?

Pete: Because the only thing I talked about for four years is Donald Trump.

Bowen: Every single day I tell someone, “Can you believe what Trump just said?”

Melissa: My entire personality is hating Donald Trump. If he’s gone, what am I supposed to do? Focus on my kids again? No, thanks.

Andrew: I argue with my dad everyday about Trump. Before this, we hadn’t spoken in years.

Punkie: I used to watch civil rights videos and wonder what it would be like to live in those times. Now, thanks to Trump, I get it.

Alex: What does the news even going to be about now?

Kenan: I am really worried for Rachel Maddow. What is she even going to talk about?

Pete: And what about Tweets? What am I going to send to my friends and be like, “This is the crazies thing I’ve ever seen?” And then one out of every 10, I’d be like, “This is legit funny. He is genuinely hilarious.”

Alex: Sure, he is historically bad for the country, but he gave us so much.

Beck: Injecting bleach in our blood.

Ego: Openly calling African nations [bleep] holes.

Melissa: “Kids in cages” wasn’t even a phrase before Trump.

Kenan: He changed the game.

Pete: He called the Attorney General he appointed ‘mentally retarded’. That’s some next level [bleep].

Kenan: I mean he started with an impression of disabled reported. That was the starting point. Best case scenario, Biden gets there at about like, year three.

Ego: That’s why on November 3rd, I’ll be worried.

Andrew: About the election, sure.

Melissa: The future of democracy or whatever.

Beck: But I’ll really be worried about my favorite villain disappearing.

Pete: Like, if they replaced the joker with Batman’s butler Alfred. Sure, Gotham would be more stable, but I’d rather watch the Joker blow up a hospital.

Kenan: And then I remembered that even if he loses, Trump isn’t going away.

Alex: Yeah. If anything, he’s going to get more vocal.

Ego: And angrier.

Pete: And crazier.

Kenan: And with all his crimes, there’s bound to be a trial at some point. And maybe Trump will represent himself in court. Okay, I gotta stop getting my hopes up.

Beck: And then who knows, maybe Donald and Ivanka will run together in 2024.

Ego: [interrupting] Uh-uh, what is wrong with you?

Andrew: Bro?

Beck: What? I was just throwing it out there.

Kenan: Now it’s going to happen and I’m going to hate you for it.

Pete: It would be hilarious though.

Male voice: Paid for by Trump Addicts of America. You know he’s bad for you but it’s hard to imagine life without him.

Grocery Store Ad

Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Suzanna… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Kathy and Suzanna speaking in Bartenson’s grocery store’s ad.]

Kathy: Hi, everyone. We’re Kathy and Suzanna-Anne-Helen from Bartenson’s Grocery Store.

Suzanna: As you know, staples like chicken, milk and bread have been flying off the shelves.

Kathy: That’s why we wanted to alert you to some items that despite the pandemic, we still have an absolute abundance .

Suzanna: Items like, Frozon Hawaiian pizza.

Kathy: A little bag of dry hard beans.

Suzanna: Margarine.

Kathy: Cauliflower pasta.

Suzanna: Mint Pringles.

Kathy: Wine from Missouri.

Suzanna: Chex mix. Opps! All pretzels.

Kathy: Impossible Lobster

Suzanna: Flouride bananas.

Kathy: And of course Dasani water.

Suzanna: What’s wrong with it? It’s water.

Kathy: I don’t know. I like it.

Suzanna: Well, we may be out of certain things like, eggs and soap. Some items are extremely in stock.

Kathy: We can’t get rid of them.

Suzanna: Like oat milk pizza.

Kathy: Boy scout cookies. They’re wet.

Suzanna: Pepsi crab.

Kathy: Tomoo. It’s tofu made from beef and cheese.

Suzanna: Mario Batali pasta sauce that we’ve rebranded as fat Italian ponytail pasta sauce.

Kathy: And of course, reduced sodium Dasani water. Now with 30% less salt. We also offer grocery delivery. And our website makes substitution a snap. You asked for pasta sauce. Do you want salsa? You asked for toilet paper. Do you want a DVD of Van Helsing?

Suzanna: We’ve also got kids. So, you can get creative at home. Like, make your own barbecue kit, a 400 pound commercial hog, some barbecue sauce and a knife.

Kathy: And of course, to clean up, Dasani Clorox wipes. Kills 4000% germs.

Suzanna: At Bartenson’s, there are some things we can always guarantee. Dedication, customer service and availability of certain items that we will never not have. Like, Ukrainian Yogurt.

Kathy: Pepto Bismol Oreo.

Suzanna: Peeps soup.

Kathy: And Dasani water, now vegetarian.

Suzanna: So, consider adding these new favorites to your shopping list.

Kathy: We want to give you what you want. But first, we need you to buy what we have.

Suzanna: From your friends at Bartenson’s grocery store.

Mercedes AA Class Sedan ad

[Starts with Julia walking]

Julia Louis-Drefus: Isn’t it amazing how much of our world is powered by something so small [showing AA size battery that goes in TV remotes]. There are million uses for these little wonders. Well, make that a million and one.

[Cut to video commercial clip of Mercedes car]

Introducing the Mercedes AA class. The first fully electric luxury sedan powered entirely by AA batteries.

[Julia opens the boot of the car and it’s filled with AA size batteries.]

No more plugs. No more charging stations. Just 9,648 AA batteries. Zero emissions. Lifetime drivetrain warranty. And a top speed of 52 mph. Everything you’ve come to expect from Mercedes. On board satellite navigation. Bose stereo system. And ample trunk space to store extra batteries.

[Julia opens the trunk. The trunk is also filled with batteries.]

And it is the only luxury sedan to receive the prestigious AA+ grade, from Batteries magazine. The Mercedes AA also ranks best in class in safety. Thanks to standard curtain airbags.

[Cut slow motion video clip of car crashing to test airbags. As the car crashes, the AA size batteries are flying everywhere inside the car.]

A touch screen in the center console keeps you constantly informed of each battery’s power level. You’ll know battery is dying before it’s dead.

Console: In three miles replace batter. Replace- replace- replace– [showing many batteries that needs replacing]

Speaker Julia: You can replace them individually or all at once. With the ribbon release auto dump feature.

[Julia pulls the ribbon and the batteries start falling out of the car]

The Mercedes AA class luxury sedan… [Julia opens the door to get out but the door is stuck because of the batteries that just came out of the car] [Julia gets out hardly]

Batteries not included.

Hillary Campaign ad

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clips of Hillary Clinton in public]

Hillary Clinton: As millennials, your voice is important. You’re the ones who will decide this election because there are so many of you. So, so many. And luckily I, Hillary Clinton, share all of your exact same beliefs. And I always have. Since the beginning of my campaign, I have constantly said, “We need a revolution in the streets.” Millions of people coming together because America should be for everyone. Not just a handful of millionaires  and billionaires.

I know you millennials. You’re fired up. You’re angry. And I’m angry too. Because the top 10% of the top [Hillary Clinton speaking like Bernie Sanders] 1% control 90% of the wealth in this country. And I’ve always said that. Ever since I was a young boy growing up in Brooklyn. Oh, Brooklyn

And when it comes to that darn Wall Street, I’ve always believed no bank can be too big to fail. No executive too– you know the rest. It’s that famous mobilizing sentence that works on you guys that I’ve been saying this whole time.

[Now Hillary Clinton is wearing an over sized suit like Bernie Sanders]

So thank you millennials for lending your support to the biggest outsider Jew in the race. [now Hillary Clinton’s hair is like that of Bernie Sanders] Hillary Rodham Clinton. There’s a lot of work to be done and that is why I am sick and tired [Hillary Clinton speaking like Bernie Sanders] of hearing about my own damn email.

Male voice: This message was paid for by Hillary Clinton. Feel the Bern… For her.

[Now, Hillary Clinton is wearing glasses like Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton: I’m whoever you want me to be and I approve this message. I’m trying here guys.

Voters For Trump ad

Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of country areas]

Female voice: The media has been saying some pretty negative things about Donald Trump. But what are real American’s saying?

Taran: The guy is a winner..

Vanessa: He is authentic.

Bobby: He’s the only one who has actually created jobs.

Aidy: He literally wrote the book on negotiating.

Beck: Trump’s an outsider. Washington needs that.

Kyle: I think he can make this country great again.

Female voice: So, when people ask why you support Donald Trump, you just tell them…

Taran: He’s gonna take our economy from here to here. [Taran has a Nazi band on his arm] And I like that.

Vanessa: [ironing her clothes] He’s not some cautious politician. He says what I’m thinking. [when Vanessa turns her cloth over, it’s a KKK robe.]

Bobby: [painting on a house] I don’t know what it is. I just like the guy. [Bobby climbs down the ladder. He had painted ‘White Power’ on a house.]

Aidy: Some of his ideas seem a little out there, but I like that he’s looking towards solutions. [Aidy has a lot of bulletin board notes over Muslims]

Beck: [sitting before the fireplace] He’s definitely not PC. [He throws books to burn the fire]

Kyle: [carrying logs] So, why do I support Trump? Three words. Good at business. [There are three KKKs dancing behind Kyle]

Female voice: A message from Racists for Donald Trump.