Grocery Store Ad

Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Suzanna… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Kathy and Suzanna speaking in Bartenson’s grocery store’s ad.]

Kathy: Hi, everyone. We’re Kathy and Suzanna-Anne-Helen from Bartenson’s Grocery Store.

Suzanna: As you know, staples like chicken, milk and bread have been flying off the shelves.

Kathy: That’s why we wanted to alert you to some items that despite the pandemic, we still have an absolute abundance .

Suzanna: Items like, Frozon Hawaiian pizza.

Kathy: A little bag of dry hard beans.

Suzanna: Margarine.

Kathy: Cauliflower pasta.

Suzanna: Mint Pringles.

Kathy: Wine from Missouri.

Suzanna: Chex mix. Opps! All pretzels.

Kathy: Impossible Lobster

Suzanna: Flouride bananas.

Kathy: And of course Dasani water.

Suzanna: What’s wrong with it? It’s water.

Kathy: I don’t know. I like it.

Suzanna: Well, we may be out of certain things like, eggs and soap. Some items are extremely in stock.

Kathy: We can’t get rid of them.

Suzanna: Like oat milk pizza.

Kathy: Boy scout cookies. They’re wet.

Suzanna: Pepsi crab.

Kathy: Tomoo. It’s tofu made from beef and cheese.

Suzanna: Mario Batali pasta sauce that we’ve rebranded as fat Italian ponytail pasta sauce.

Kathy: And of course, reduced sodium Dasani water. Now with 30% less salt. We also offer grocery delivery. And our website makes substitution a snap. You asked for pasta sauce. Do you want salsa? You asked for toilet paper. Do you want a DVD of Van Helsing?

Suzanna: We’ve also got kids. So, you can get creative at home. Like, make your own barbecue kit, a 400 pound commercial hog, some barbecue sauce and a knife.

Kathy: And of course, to clean up, Dasani Clorox wipes. Kills 4000% germs.

Suzanna: At Bartenson’s, there are some things we can always guarantee. Dedication, customer service and availability of certain items that we will never not have. Like, Ukrainian Yogurt.

Kathy: Pepto Bismol Oreo.

Suzanna: Peeps soup.

Kathy: And Dasani water, now vegetarian.

Suzanna: So, consider adding these new favorites to your shopping list.

Kathy: We want to give you what you want. But first, we need you to buy what we have.

Suzanna: From your friends at Bartenson’s grocery store.

Mercedes AA Class Sedan ad

[Starts with Julia walking]

Julia Louis-Drefus: Isn’t it amazing how much of our world is powered by something so small [showing AA size battery that goes in TV remotes]. There are million uses for these little wonders. Well, make that a million and one.

[Cut to video commercial clip of Mercedes car]

Introducing the Mercedes AA class. The first fully electric luxury sedan powered entirely by AA batteries.

[Julia opens the boot of the car and it’s filled with AA size batteries.]

No more plugs. No more charging stations. Just 9,648 AA batteries. Zero emissions. Lifetime drivetrain warranty. And a top speed of 52 mph. Everything you’ve come to expect from Mercedes. On board satellite navigation. Bose stereo system. And ample trunk space to store extra batteries.

[Julia opens the trunk. The trunk is also filled with batteries.]

And it is the only luxury sedan to receive the prestigious AA+ grade, from Batteries magazine. The Mercedes AA also ranks best in class in safety. Thanks to standard curtain airbags.

[Cut slow motion video clip of car crashing to test airbags. As the car crashes, the AA size batteries are flying everywhere inside the car.]

A touch screen in the center console keeps you constantly informed of each battery’s power level. You’ll know battery is dying before it’s dead.

Console: In three miles replace batter. Replace- replace- replace– [showing many batteries that needs replacing]

Speaker Julia: You can replace them individually or all at once. With the ribbon release auto dump feature.

[Julia pulls the ribbon and the batteries start falling out of the car]

The Mercedes AA class luxury sedan… [Julia opens the door to get out but the door is stuck because of the batteries that just came out of the car] [Julia gets out hardly]

Batteries not included.

Hillary Campaign ad

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clips of Hillary Clinton in public]

Hillary Clinton: As millennials, your voice is important. You’re the ones who will decide this election because there are so many of you. So, so many. And luckily I, Hillary Clinton, share all of your exact same beliefs. And I always have. Since the beginning of my campaign, I have constantly said, “We need a revolution in the streets.” Millions of people coming together because America should be for everyone. Not just a handful of millionaires  and billionaires.

I know you millennials. You’re fired up. You’re angry. And I’m angry too. Because the top 10% of the top [Hillary Clinton speaking like Bernie Sanders] 1% control 90% of the wealth in this country. And I’ve always said that. Ever since I was a young boy growing up in Brooklyn. Oh, Brooklyn

And when it comes to that darn Wall Street, I’ve always believed no bank can be too big to fail. No executive too– you know the rest. It’s that famous mobilizing sentence that works on you guys that I’ve been saying this whole time.

[Now Hillary Clinton is wearing an over sized suit like Bernie Sanders]

So thank you millennials for lending your support to the biggest outsider Jew in the race. [now Hillary Clinton’s hair is like that of Bernie Sanders] Hillary Rodham Clinton. There’s a lot of work to be done and that is why I am sick and tired [Hillary Clinton speaking like Bernie Sanders] of hearing about my own damn email.

Male voice: This message was paid for by Hillary Clinton. Feel the Bern… For her.

[Now, Hillary Clinton is wearing glasses like Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton: I’m whoever you want me to be and I approve this message. I’m trying here guys.

Voters For Trump ad

Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of country areas]

Female voice: The media has been saying some pretty negative things about Donald Trump. But what are real American’s saying?

Taran: The guy is a winner..

Vanessa: He is authentic.

Bobby: He’s the only one who has actually created jobs.

Aidy: He literally wrote the book on negotiating.

Beck: Trump’s an outsider. Washington needs that.

Kyle: I think he can make this country great again.

Female voice: So, when people ask why you support Donald Trump, you just tell them…

Taran: He’s gonna take our economy from here to here. [Taran has a Nazi band on his arm] And I like that.

Vanessa: [ironing her clothes] He’s not some cautious politician. He says what I’m thinking. [when Vanessa turns her cloth over, it’s a KKK robe.]

Bobby: [painting on a house] I don’t know what it is. I just like the guy. [Bobby climbs down the ladder. He had painted ‘White Power’ on a house.]

Aidy: Some of his ideas seem a little out there, but I like that he’s looking towards solutions. [Aidy has a lot of bulletin board notes over Muslims]

Beck: [sitting before the fireplace] He’s definitely not PC. [He throws books to burn the fire]

Kyle: [carrying logs] So, why do I support Trump? Three words. Good at business. [There are three KKKs dancing behind Kyle]

Female voice: A message from Racists for Donald Trump.

Donald Trump’s Presidential Ad

Becky… Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Ronald McDonald McTrump… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

[Starts with ‘Trump 2016’ banner on the screen]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement for Donald Trump for president.

[Cut to Becky wearing a black and red dress]

Becky: Liberty.

[Cut to Cecily wearing the same dress]

Cecily: Patriosm.

[Cut to Becky]

Becky: Peg-oligance.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Free-some.

[Cut to Becky and Cecily. They both take few steps forward.] [Becky and Cecily talk at the same time but they say different things like they have not prepared the script.]

Both: Donald Tramp.

[The banner at the bottom of the screen clearly has ‘Donald Trump’ written on it]

Cecily: Agolar shriety of the perfect presiment.

Becky: You feel like you’re getting a Yankee doodle handy.

Both: With Donald Tramp.

Becky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Becky.

Cecily: And I’m alive again.

Becky: And we’re not porn stars anymore but that doesn’t mean we don’t know a perfect presiment when he steps into the oral office.

[Ronald walks in with a red clown wig]

Ronald: [speaking like Donald Trump] Did somebody say it’s huge?

Becky and Cecily: Not yet.

Becky: Please get out.

Ronald: Okay.

[Ronald walks out]

Becky: Other candidates are just the sleepy doctor and Carly Marinara.

[Cecily covers her eyes with her palm]

Cecily: Marco.

Becky: Rubo.

Cecily: Marco.

Becky: Rubo.

Cecily: But Donald Tramp is a billionairest.

Becky: And when it comes to Russia, he’ll stand up to Put-it-in.

Cecily: No, it’s Putin. Remember? Coz we dated him.

Becky: Oh, right. Yeah, okay.

Cecily: You’ll feel as noble as a ball-gagged eagle.

Becky: Or like you’re signing the dongleration of in-the-pants-ness. (trying to say independence)

Cecily: Or singing the star strangled boner.

[Ronald walks in again]

Ronald: Did someone say it’s huge?

Cecily: Don’t!

Becky: Not yet, please get out.

Ronald: Okay.

[Ronald walks out again]

Both: With Donald Tramp.

Cecily: One time, I thought I got banged back to 1776. But I was just banged by 1776 guys dressed as pilgrims. I vote no on that, but yes for Trump.

Becky: One time I thought I banged Teddy Roosevelt but it was just Teddy Ruxpin. Sorry kid’s birthday.

Cecily: I thought I had the right to bear arms but I was just banging a bear with my right arm. [showing her left arm]

Becky: I guess it’s true what Smogy says, “Only you can put your whole arm in.” Oh, hey. Remember the apprentice?

Both: You’re fire. You’re fire.

[Ronald walks in again]

Ronald: Did someone say huge?

Becky: Okay.

Cecily: You can go now.

Ronald: Thank you. HI, I’m Ronald McDonald McTrump. I specialize in clown themed political pornos, such as “Wag the Dong”, “Fist/Nixon”, “All the president’s men, plus a horse”, Lee Daniel’s “In the buttler”, and “Milk”. But you know who’s not clowning around with the presidency? It’s Donald Trump.

Becky: Hey, hey, hey, don’t boost for us. We’re trying to do this ad for Donald Tramp so he let’s us live in his hotels.

Cecily: Yeah, maybe visit the White House. I haven’t been there since the 90s.

Becky: Oh, yeah.

[audience clapping and laughing]

Oh, yeah. I hit my head on the desk.

Cecily: Yeah.

Ronald: So, next December 25th, vote for Donald Trump for Santa Claus. And to my clown college professor who said, “You might as well be doing pornos”, I’m suddenly realizing you were being sarcastic.

[Ronald moves to the side]

Becky and Cecily: With Donald Tramp.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Oh! I’m Donald Trump and I in no way, shape or form approve of this message. Didn’t you used to be a brunette?

Becky, Cecily and Ronald: Yeah.

Donald Trump: That’s what I thought.

[Cut to Trump 2016 banner] [The End]