Celeb School Game Show

Bert Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Trishelle… Punkie Johnson

Ryan… Andrew Dismukes

John Oliver… Mikey Day

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Adam Driver… James Austin Johnson

Kristen Wiig… Melissa Villaseñor

George Takei… Bowen Yang

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Pete Davidson… Rami Malek

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Celeb School with your host Bert Simpson.

[Cut to the show]

Bert Simpson: Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson, Bert Simpson. And you know the game. Two contestants try to win $10000 with a help from our classroom of celebs. Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, wait. Are we not going to do intro banter?

Bert Simpson: Oh, no. You two are boring. Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”, it’s John Oliver.

John Oliver: Game shows. America’s dirty little obsession. Give me more game shows, daddy. More please.

Bert Simpson: Okay. From “White Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez. Why am I here? I don’t know anything. Gosh!

Bert Simpson: Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like it’s been changed to protect his identity, Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Hello. Excited to be here.

Bert Simpson: Well, you could have fooled me. We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Mr. Host man. Ha-ha-ha. Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?

Bert Simpson: Star Trek legend, George Takei.

George Takei: Hello.

Bert Simpson: George, I gotta ask. Are you gonna say it?

George Takei: That depends on how bad you want it.

Bert Simpson: Oh, very bad.

George Takei: Oh, my!

Bert Simpson: There it is! Okay, next to him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.

Lil’ Wayne: Ahah! I like to vibe out. Weezy!

Bert Simpson: It’s the wrong game, Weezy. Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”, Rami Malek. [Rami Malek just stares at the camera] Okay. And finally from SNL, Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I have to sit next to Rami Malek? I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like dude! Stop staring at me, man.

Rami Malek: I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we look alike. Maybe. I don’t see it. Maybe if I looked a little longer.

Pete Davidson: No, dude!

Bert Simpson: Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you know how the game works. I give you a subject and you call on a celebrity student you think will know the answer. Ryna, you’re up first. Your subject is geography.

Ryan: Well, he has an accent and glasses which means he gotta be smart. I call on John Oliver.

Bert Simpson: Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered by Norway and which other country?

John Oliver: Of course, you can’t talk about Sweden without talking about IKEA. [IKEA logo appears on right top corner.] Home of sketchy furniture and even sketchier meatballs. They’re not beef. Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.

[buzzer sound]

Bert Simpson: John, your rant though amusing contained no answer. And please, no more over the shoulder graphic. Alright, Trishelle, you can steal.

Trishelle: Okay. Well, I’ll call on Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez! Bad choice, sweetheart. Ah! I was in Europe once. I drank too much and passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass. Where was I? Finland?

[right answer bell]

Bert Simpson: That is correct. Trishelle takes the point. [a paper airplane hits Bert Simpson] Ay! You stop with the paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.

Kristen Wiig: I didn’t throw anything. Ha-ha-ha. Why would you think I threw it?

Bert Simpson: Because you are half giggling and I saw you throw it.

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry. I was just being weird. Sorry. Ha-ha-ha. I might do it again though. Is that bad?

Bert Simpson: Yes. Okay, Trishelle. Your subject is history.

Trishelle: Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer because he is definitely high as hell, but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.

Lil’ Wayne: Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”

Bert Simpson: Once again, this is not “Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”. Are you ready for the question, Lil’ Wayne? [Lil’ Wayne is gone from his chair] And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he went? Rami Malek, did you see where Wheezy went?

Rami Malek: No. I’ve been staring at Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Argh! Please, make him stop. It’s like the soul of a victorian child is trapped in his eyes.

Bert Simpson: You’re not wrong, Pete. Okay, Trishelle, second choice?

Trishelle: I call on Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Pass!

Bert Simpson: You can’t pass, Pete. Okay, your question. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in your home town, New York City?

Pete Davidson: How would I know that? I mean, I went to school in Staten Island. And all of our classes were to prepare us to be firefighters or racist cops.

George Takei: Oh my!

Bert Simpson: George, you stay out of this. Alright, I need an answer, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. I mean, can I just give Trishelle $10000 after the show? I mean, that would be easier.

Bert Simpson: No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works. Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.

Ryan: Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Good. Yes. Let’s have fun playing the game.

Bert Simpson: Adam. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in New York City?

Adam Driver: I don’t know. So, I’m not gonna answer the question.

Bert Simpson: Hey, calm down! Any of our other celebs think they know? George Takei has his hand up. You got an answer?

George Takei: No. I have a question. Why did William Shatner get to go to space and not me? Let Sulu go to the moon.

Bert Simpson: Sorry, it’s not up to me, George. And not that anyone cares, but the answer is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

[Lil’ Wayne walking in front of camera]

Lil’ Wayne: Yo, where did the plane go at?

Bert Simpson: That is “Price is Right”, Weezy. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. Keep it right here. Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.

Porn Doctor

Doctor… Adam Driver

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[The Doctor is in… My Butt 4 intro] [Cut to Doctor]

Doctor: [talking on the phone] Nurse, who is my next patient? Oh no, he hurt his big thigh during the game? Send him in.

[Beck walks in. He is wearing sports shirt and shorts.]

Beck: Hi doctor. I need help with my body. [limping] Ou! Ou! Ooh! Ou! [sits on the chair] I hurt my big thigh during the big game right when I was bout to score.

Doctor: Well, maybe I can help you score. Right now. Where does it hurt?

Beck: Way up at the top part of my thigh. I don’t know. About a centimeter below my ball sack.

Doctor: Let me take a look. How does it feel when I do this?

[Doctor massages Beck’s thigh]

Beck: Ah! I don’t know doctor. I’m not gay.

Doctor: Are you sure?

Beck: Good point. I’m convinced. Let’s do sex.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, excuse me Dr. Rock Hard, I had a two o’clock appointment and I still have not been seen.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Huh?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah. All these big muscular guys keep cutting me but my mom said I need to see a doctor right away. I’ve been throwing up all day and my stomach is really sore.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Me too. My groin is sore.

Doctor: And I need to make it more sore.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: What? You’re gonna make it more sore? Alright! I mean, you’re the one who went to medical school. Not me.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Yeah. I graduated best top in my class.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! That’s awesome Dr. Rock Hard.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I’m always on bottom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, that’s nothing to brag about. Anyway, I’ll be in the waiting room with my mom. But please hurry Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out] [Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: So, patient. You play soccer? Does that mean you’re good at juggling balls?

Beck: With my feet.

Doctor: Wow, that’s hot.

Beck: But there’s a problem, doctor. I don’t have health insurance.

Doctor: That’s okay. I think I can figure out another way for you to pay.

Beck: Oh-f!

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Excuse me, doctor. I kind of overheard because I wasn’t all the way gone yet. My mom also doesn’t have health insurance. So can we pay however he is paying?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um…

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I mean she does have health insurance but it doesn’t kick in until the first of the month. She has blue cross.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I have blue balls.

Doctor: Oh, no. You’ll need 50 CCs of boner, stacked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! All this medical talk goes right over my head. But I’m next right?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Are you positive?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah. But don’t tell or they’ll make me leave.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Whatever you say Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out] [Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Oh no, doctor. Now my other big thigh hurts.

Doctor: You’re in luck. I got medication that cures anything. But I don’t know if you’ll be able to swallow it.

Beck: Why? Is it big?

Doctor: Oh, yeah. So big.

Beck: How big is it doctor?

Doctor: Too big for you to swallow.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, is it like a gel cap?

Doctor: A what?

Aidy: Coz I know those are big but I can get em’ down with water. And if not, my mom can cut them in half and put them in my mashed potatoes. So, please Dr. Rock Hard, give it to me. My stomach hurts really bad.

Doctor: I can’t give it to you. But I can give it to your mom. Hell, yeah!

Aidy: Oh, okay. That works too. Thank you Dr. Rock Hard. You know, my mom was nervous about this doctor’s office coz when she went on your website this morning, it crashed our whole computer. But I think you’re cool. So thanks for squeezing me in.

Doctor: I love to squeeze things in.

Aidy: I know. You’re gym packed today.

Doctor: About to be.

Aidy: Yeah. Well, it must be hard.

Doctor: It has to be hard.

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’ll get out of your hair.

Doctor: I don’t have any hair.

Aidy: Okay, thanks.

[Aidy walks out]

Doctor: Now let’s get back to your big thigh. But, I think I need a second, third, fourth and fifth opinion.

[four more men walk in tearing off their shirts and touching each other] [Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey, wait a minute. All beefed doctors work here? Will someone please help me? Hello?

[The End]

Golden Globes

Kevin… Adam Driver

Vanessa Bayer

Cody… Kyle Mooney

Madison… Kate McKinnon

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with Kevin and Vanessa receiving the Oscar Award]

Kevin: Dreamworks, this was your vision.

Vanessa: And thank you to Debbie Liberman and the whole team at CAA. And oh, and to this wonderful man beside me. My writing partner and my husband. Kevin, you are my rock.

Kevin: And of course to our two beautiful children, Cody and Madison, mommy and daddy did it!

Vanessa: And if you’re watching this, go to bed.

[Cut to Cody and Madison watching the Oscars on TV]

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed.

Madison: I’m not tired.

[Cody turns off the TV and lights] [Cody and Madison are brushing teeth] [Cody and Madison are praying]

Cody: Dear lord. Thank you for giving mommy and daddy a Golden Globe.

Madison: And please watch over us until they get home.

Cody: Amen.

[Cody tucking Madison inside the bed]

Madison: But we didn’t get our story.

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed right now.

[Cody and Madison are on their beds staring at the ceiling]

Madison: Are you awake?

Cody: Yeah.

Madison: Do you think mommy and daddy are thinking about us?

Cody: I know they are.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party looking at their awards.]

Kevin: We won freaking Golden Globes.

Vanessa: This is the best thing that ever happened to us.

[Cut to Cody and Madison]

Madison: Mom looked pretty when she left. Do you think she’s ever gonna come back?

Cody: Yes, of course. [whispering] I don’t know.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party]

Kevin: I just turned next to Leo at the urinal. I saw his whole [bleep]. It’s huge!

Vanessa: I knew it. This whole night is so amazing.

[Cut to Cody and Madison sleeping. They wake by the owl’s noise.]

Madison: What is that?

Cody: It’s probably nothing.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party. Vanessa is sniffing cocaine and Kevin is imitating the award as it’s his penis.] [Cut to Cody and Madison waiting at home awake] [Cut to Kevin and Vanessa getting to another party where security stops them]

Security: Guys, guys, guys. Stars only.

Kevin: [bleep] you man! Don’t push my wife.

Vanessa: Be a man for once Kevin. Hit him.

Security: You don’t wanna hit me sir.

Kevin: Hold on to your hats. You’re about to get pounded.

[Kevin jumps on security] [Cut to Cody. He looks at time and it’s 5 in the morning.] [Cut to the security chasing Kevin and Vanessa] [Kevin and Vanessa run. Vanessa falls down.] [Kevin looks at Vanessa, turns around and runs.] [Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Hey! Come back here!

[Cut to Cody and Madison in the morning. They wake up and go downstairs looking for their parents. The award is broken on the floor.]

Cody: Look, I told you they’d come back.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa sleeping on the couch. They look hammered.] [Cut to Liev Schreiber making breakfast at the kitchen]

Leiv: You kids like eggs? Good! Me too. Your parents are very cool people. Very cool. We had a good cool time. You kids can dress yourselves for school, right?

Cody and Madison: Um-hmm.

[Leiv starts making eggs and Cody and Madison go to get ready for school] [Cut to Cody and Madison at the stairs]

Cody: I hate the Globes.

Madison: I love you big brother.

Cody: I love you too.

[The End]

Awareness Seminar

Vanessa Bayer

Windle… Adam Driver

Harper… Cecily Strong

Jay Pharoah

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a classroom with the students and adults]

Vanessa: Guys, if I had a remote, I’d be hitting mute. Okay? That’s better. So we’re continuing awareness week today with four speakers who’d like to talk to you about bullying.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: Hey team. I’m Windle. This is Harper. And we’re here to talk to you about a form of mental harassment that we both got mixed up in during high school. Who’s familiar with social puppeteering?

[The students have no clue]

Well, it’s surprising.

Harper: Okay, well in simplest terms, it’s manipulating others for your own amusement. Hijacking someone’s reality to feel powerful.

Windle: Here’s an example of something I did. In the sixth grade, I paid like 80 kids a buck to go up to this kid Nathan and say, “Hey, nice hat.” So, what’s the problem? Nathan wasn’t wearing a hat. If 80 kids say you’re wearing a hat, you start thinking, “Maybe I’m wearing a hat.” And watching him wrestle with that made me feel good. I took the most valuable thing he had, his mind. That’s the idea behind social puppeteering. Any question?

[Cut to the students]

Jay: Yeah. How come we don’t know about this?

Pete: I know. It sounds so fun.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay guys. This shouldn’t sound fun to you, okay? They’re here to tell you how bad it is.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Yeah, absolutely. I mean guys, if you get into this, it will take over your life. I spent thousands of dollars hunting [unintelligible] [Cut to the students]

Jon: [noting down] Oh, please explain that.

[Cut to Harper]

Harper: Well, I hired day labors to build an enormous replica of his room in an airplane hanger so he woke up in a three storey bed the length of an Olympic swimming pool thinking he’s now half an inch tall. I mean, I went all out. I got the people who made the Jurassic Park dinosaurs to build a giant animatronic daddy long legs he had to fight. Kid peed himself and hid in a giant lego for hours. It was pretty great. Also, wrong.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: It really will ruin your life. My brother doesn’t speak to me because I vampired him. I won’t pour you with the details.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: No, no. Please do.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Well, in a nutshell, I hired this weird Albino dude to bite him and run away. And a week later, I started sprinkling a small amount of molly into his dinner every night. So at night he feels amazing but during the day, he feels a little bombed out because the molly was wearing off. So he started craving the night coz that’s when he got the molly. The night time became his magical time. He was convinced that he was a vampire. He bit our dad.

[Cut to the classroom]

Bobby: Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt but I think I may have been socially puppeteered. [Cut to Bobby] See, I’m not a transfer student. I’m a 37 year old man. Two months ago, what I thought was an elite police squad hired me to pose as a high school student and gather intel about a new drug called Squiff. But I haven’t heard from them since and they definitely haven’t been paying me. So…

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’m started to say it man, but you got 21 Jump Streeted!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wow! I can’t believe it happened to me.

[Cut to Windle]

Windle: It can happen to anyone.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Don’t be a pupet. Learn more at www.stopsocialpuppeteering.org.

[The End]

Quarterback’s Injury

Al Michael… Beck Bennett

Chris Collinsworth… Adam Driver

Jared Schleff… Pete Davidson

Michelle Tafoya… Cecily Strong

Lucas Kavner… Kenan Thompson

Bruce Erin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Al and Chris in their set]

Al: We’re back with 4th quarter with Arizona leading Green Bay, 28-17. Al Michael here with you along with Chris Collinsworth. And this game has been a nightmare for the packers, Chris.

Chris: It really has. After losing their first three quarterbacks to injury, Green Bay has turned into a 4th string back who I’ve never heard of.

[Cut to Jared smiling with his team jersey on.]

Al: Jared Schleff has not taken a snap for Green Bay all year. [Cut to Al and Chris] But here he is in the biggest game of the season.

Chris: Well, the playoff is certainly where you’ll find the most unlikely of heroes.

Al: Absolutely. Let’s go down to the field where Schleff is in the shotgun.

[Cut to the ground. The game is on.]

He takes the snap.

[Opponent player breaks Jared’s legs too.]

Oh my god!

Chris: Oh! Sweet mercy!

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Um, folks. This is one of the worst injuries I’ve seen in my 40 year career.

Chris: That’s just devastating. I think watching that made me sick.

Al: Absolutely. No one should ever have to witness something that shocking. Let’s see it again.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Oh my god!

Chris: I do pray for him. I do.

Al: Absolutely.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not gonna subject you to that again… from that angle. This new angle is much better.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking from different angle]

Oh, wow! That new angle makes me thing this is CGI or something. Legs don’t do that.

Al: Yeah. [Cut to Al and Chris] Let’s go to our sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya who’s with Packer’s team doctor Lucas Kavner.

[Cut to Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Dr. Kavner, obviously a really tough injury for Schleff. Will be be back on the field?

Lucas: Well, it looked pretty bad but he’s a young man. I wouldn’t give up on him. I can’t diagnose it because I couldn’t really see what exactly happened.

Michelle: Oh, you know what? We have it right here.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Lucas: Oh, lord! Take my eyes.

[Cut to Lucas]

Blind me lord! Oh, he’s done. He’s done forever.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: We’ll check in with Michelle in a little bit

Chris: Obviously, this is a full contact sport. But nobody should have to see something this gruesome and appalling. Luckily we’ll never have to watch that clip again.

Al: And the Arizona coach is asking to see the clip again. [Cut to Bruce] Looks like Bruce Erin has turned the challenge flag.

Chris: Oh, he believes that Schleff fumbled the ball.

Al: But did he? Let’s take a look.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

I think that’s a fumble.

Chris: Remember, the play is dead when the front of you knee toughes the ground.

Al: Sure, but what about the back of your knee?

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: I don’t know.

Al: In the meantime, let’s go back to Michelle who’s with Jared Schleff.

[Cut to Jared, Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Um, Dr. Kavner is doing what he can for Schleff. He’s holding a bible. Now he’s pulled out a gun. He seems to be weighing his options. Back to you, Al.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Okay. Let’s move on to something fun. Our AT&T fan pinion of the game. Tonight’s fan pinion is about… [Jared’s picture appears behind Al and Chris] Jared Schleff. What do you think was the worst part of Jared’s injury? Wast it! A, the nauseating reality that legs could bend like that. B, that sound, that terrible sound. Or, C, knowing that somewhere deep down, this is why you watch football. [Cut to Al and Chris] Text us your answers. We’ll have the results after this commercial. When we return, Green Bay finds another quarterback.

Chris: Looks like the coach is asking volunteers from the crowd. Big opportunity for the fans.

Al: Oh, wow!

[The End]

America’s Funniest Cats

Finn Raynal-Beads… Adam Driver

Joella Ru… Cecily Strong

Ruella Soup… Kate McKinnon

Producer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with America’s Funniest Cats intro]

Intro song: America’s looking at cat
America’s looking at cat
America’s funniest cats!

Male voice: With your host, Finn Raynal-Beads.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Hey there. I’m Finn Raynald, not Raynold, Beads. I don’t know how many times I have to throw a feed about that. I confronted so many people and everyone just points a finger at someone else. But someone is responsible. That doesn’t just happen!

Hey guys! Thanks for all the great pet videos this week including this one from a cat owner who suspected that someone had been going through her drawers. Take a look.

[Cut to a cat pulling red panties out of the drawer.] [making cat voice] Oh boy! I know they’re in there somewhere. Yes, these panties are gonna look great on this pussy’s booty. [cat looking at the camera] Oh! Sorry ma’am. It’s not what it looks like.

[Cut to Finn]

Alright! We got an amazing trade for you today. So apparently there’s a French version of this show and with me today are the two hosts, Joella Ru and Ruella Soup. Come on out here, ladies.

[Joella and Ruella walk in to the stage]

Okay, thanks for coming all the way from Paris you guys. Tell me little bit about your show.

Ruella: [in French accent] The show is called [unintelligible]

Joella: You know, because in Paris we are the center of the world as far as arts and culture. So you know, when we see this show of your’s, you know, we say, “We have to have this.”

Ruella: We no rest until we have the show.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Is that real or you guys like making fun of me?

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Ah, no, no, no. We just put fund at cat.

Ruella: They don’t care.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Okay. Then I’m gonna let you guys handle this next clip of a cat who has his first taste of ice-cream.

[Cut to a video of a cat with it’s face inside the ice-cream cup.]

Joella: Oh, this cat has seconds to live. She purposefully get out of oxygen.

Ruella: His life is too much to bear. He is quietly backing out of this world.

Joella: She will not be missed.

Ruella: That’s a funny cat.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Yeah, very funny cat.

Finn: Okay, wow. You guys doing a little different than us. We try to make the bloopers a little sillier like with, sound effects and stuffs. Do you know what I mean?

[Joella and Ruella start speaking in French with each other.]

Ruella: We can try.
Finn: Oh, yes. Great! Throw some boyo-yos in there. I’m just gonna roll a bunch of clips and you guys just go crazy, okay?

[Cut to different video clips of cats]

Ruella: Boyoyo! This cat has neurological disorder. She cannot gaze this distance between herself and couch.

Joella: Boyoyo! This cat is certainly dead. That is despasm.

Ruella: Waka-waka! This cat also is dead. She is in her death costume.

Joella: This evil maniac cat has walked into a TV, will not come back the same.

Ruella: Say what? He will never trust the TV again.

Joella: Boyoyo!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. It’s a little dark. You know what we find fun? Giving the cat a silly voice like, “Oh, I’m the big fat cat and I can’t fit through the cat door, drip!”

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Oh yes. Okay. That stupid voice coming from a cat would make me laugh.

Ruella: I also was very close to laughing but then I remember I just lost my daughter in the custody, [unintelligible] [Cut to Finn]

Finn: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Okay, let’s try one more before we go back to France forever.

Finn: Roll it!

[Cut to a video clip of cat stuck in a pot]

Joella: [making stupid cat voice] My husband is in here. My husband’s issues are in here.

Ruella: He died from drugs, but I don’t care.

Joella: He was troubled but he was mine!

Ruella: I don’t want to live anymore. I want to be in hell with him where all suicide go.

Joella: Oh, man! Here I come.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. Well, I’m getting word that my producer is here to tell me something. Hopefully privately.

[Producer walks in]

Producer: Well, it’s not. I want everybody to hear this. You’re cancelled.

Finn: Well great! I’m glad. I think anyone would be proud to do 18 seasons of this show. I leave with my head held high.

Producer: Just pack your junk, Reynold-Beads.

[The End]

Aladin Magic Carpet Ride

Jasmine… Cecily Strong

Aladin… Adam Driver

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Jasmine and Aladin flying over the clouds on the magic carpet]

Jasmine: Aladin, we’re so high up. I’ve never flown on a magic carpet before.

Aladin: It’s beautiful, isn’t it? But not as beautiful as you.

[singing] I can show you the world
shining, shimmering, splendid
tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide?

Jasmine: A whole new world
a new fantasy point of view

Jasmine and Aladin: No one to tell us no or where to go

[a bird comes flying to Jasmine and dies in her hands]

Aladin: I really like you Jasmine. You’re different. Do you like meat.

Jasmine: Yes, I do. I’m sorry. Some kind of fat bird just hit my mouth. I need a minute.

Aladin: You’ll be alright, Jasmine. You’re safe with me. Just look how far we can see

Jasmine: Yeah, fish and it’s peak. Just, slow down a little. Okay? Like, I’m still into it. Just that was a lot.

Aladin: [singing] A whole new world
a dazzling place you never knew

Jasmine: But when I’m way up here, it’s crystal clear

Jasmine and Aladin: That now I’m in a whole new world with you.

[a missile falls on Aladin’s head]

Jasmine: Oh, bomb, bomb, bomb! There’s a bomb.

Aladin: Oh, shoot! We must be over Syria.

Jasmine: Oh! I think I pissed my little thing I’m wearing.

Aladin: You’re not sorry you came with me, are you?

Jasmine: Oh, no, no, no. This is magical.

Aladin: [singing] I can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride

Jasmine and Aladin: A whole new world
a new fantasy point of view
no one to tell us no or where to go

[gross liquid thing pours on Jasmine]

Jasmine: No! No! No! What just happened?

Aladin: [looking above] Oh, I think an airplane just emptied it’s toilet in the sky.

Jasmine: Um, Aladin, take me back to the palace.

Aladin: Wait, quiet. Something’s wrong with the carpet. I’ve gotta make some fast decisions now.

Jasmine: What’s going on?

Aladin: We’re losing altitude. I gonna try to put it down at that air-force space.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck at the base. They’re wearing military dresses.]

Leslie: Did you taste Charice’s cookies that she brought to the airport?

[Beck nods his head]

Now, a lot of people don’t like hard cookies. You know what I mean–

Beck: Hey, hang on Chris. We’ve got a distress call coming in.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin. Aladin is wearing a headphone.]

Aladin: May-day. May-day. Requesting emergency landing.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I see you pilot. You are clear for landing.

Beck: This is gonna be nuts.

Leslie: God be with them.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin landing at the air-base] [Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: They did it. They landed.

Beck: And look, they’re in love.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin]

Aladin: [singing] A whole new world
that’s where we’ll be
a wondrous place

Jasmine and Aladin: For you and me…

[Cut to Leslie and Beck looking at Jasmine and Aladin. Beck tries to kiss Leslie.]

Leslie: I am married!

Beck: How come you never talk about it then?

[The End]

Adam Driver Monologue

Adam Driver

Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver.

[Adam Driver walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Before we start, just wanna say, congratulations Arizona cardinals. Welcome to the first show of 2016. Right now, it’s happening. I’m in a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Please, please, please go see it. If this one does well, it might make another. I’m so fortunate to be a part of such an illustrious franchise. Especially since I’ve been acting for only few years. Before that, I was in the military and I was very intimidating. We have a photo I think, to prove it.

[Cut to Adam Driver’s photo in a military uniform.] [Cut to Adam Driver]

Back when the marines were accepting 12 year olds. But it really is an honor to be in Star Wars. Never, never ever will you find a more devoted fan base. They’re very intense.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: [laughing] I know. Star Wars fans, ridiculous, right? Quick question… [Taran pulls out his lightsaber] What happens in the next film, Adam?

Adam Driver: You know I can’t tell you that. They won’t even tell me that.

Taran: Oh, you can’t tell me coz the audience is here, right? Okay. I’m gonna ask you at the after party though.

Adam Driver: No, you won’t.

[Taran turns his lightsaber off and walks away]

I’ve been dealing with this all week.

[Bobby Moynihan walks in with his Kylo Ren’s mask on]

Hey, Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, come on! It could be Kenan! Come on, it could be Kenan in here.

Adam Driver: It’s not Kenan. It’s Bobby. Where did you find that suit?

Bobby Moynihan: I made it.

Adam Driver: How much did that cost you?

Bobby Moynihan: $6,500.

Adam Driver: Bobby, take off the mask.

[Bobby Moynihan takes the mask off. He is wearing a wig.]

Bobby Moynihan: Okay. Sorry.

Adam Driver: Is that a wig?

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah. It’s a wig. The wig was 800 bucks. Listen, I gotta know what happens to Kylo Ren, man. Does he die? Please, just tell me.

Adam Driver: Alright fine, I die.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, no!

Adam Driver: But, my friends put sunglasses on me and I pretend I’m alive all weekend.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, it’s perfect!

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Leave this man alone!

Adam Driver: Okay, what is your Star Wars question?

Leslie: Man, I ain’t see Star Wars. I wanna know why you weren’t in Martian with Matt Damon. Because y’all was the bomb in Goodwill Hunt.

Adam Driver: Leslie, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m Adam Driver, not Minnie Driver.

Leslie: Oh! You’re Adam Driver. Well I don’t know what the internet is talking about coz you are fine! Bobby got a picture of you up his bed.

Bobby Moynihan: Pop-pop-pop-pop! Come on, hey! We’ve got a great show tonight, okay? Adam Driver is here.

Adam Driver: Chris Stapleton here. We’ll be right back.

[The End]


Dad… Adam Driver

Chloe Fineman

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Stephane… Heidi Gardner

Meghan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a dad talking to the girls at their sleepover.]

Dad: Hey, girls. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Dad alert! Wiwoo-wiwoo-wiwoo! Sorry to interrupt the sleepover. I just wanted to talk to you girls. I don’t want to single anyone out or embarrass anybody but something happened upstairs.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: The pizza came?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, no. It’s a little different. It’s kind of hard to talk about as a parent. But I believe in mutual respect, so we’re just gonna talk as adults. Okay?

[Cut to the girls]

Girls: Okay!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, well, it looks like someone tried to flush a sanitary napkin pad, sort of a big one in our upstairs washroom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Dad! Whao! Is the toilet broken?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, it is. The pad got stuck. We don’t have a plunger in there. So I think, whoever tried to flush it used a toilet paper stand to try to shove it down and then put a lot of toilet paper on top to kind of blanket it which made it overflow pretty bad.

[Cut to Aidy and Ego]

Ego: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Yeah, then I think they tried to duck-tape it shut which caused the water to sort of explode up out of it into the light sockets which caused electrical shock. Where’s Megan?

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Uh, I don’t know. She went upstairs like an hour ago.

[Cut to Dad. Meghan walks down stairs with her clothes wet and her hair all messed up.]

Dad: Hi, Meghan.

Meghan: What’s up?

[Cut to everybody. Meghan sits down on a couch.] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, we were just having a talk with the girls coz someone tried to flush a pad and broke the toilet.

[Cut to Meghan. It’s obvious she did it.]

Meghan: [acting as she can’t believe it] Wow! That’s sick! Whoever did that, that’s pretty sick! I’m gonna go to bed.

[Cut to everybody]

Dad: No! We’re just gonna stay and try to piece together what happened.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh, yeah. Well, that stinks. Whoever did that, that’s a mystery. Just get Mark Harman in here to figure this out. Current CIS.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’m just hoping that one of you will, you know, come forward.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Oh, well, it’s not me. I can’t wear pads coz I do little thongs.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, we don’t need all the details.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yes. Yes. I’m tampons. It’s easy, you know? You lube them up and string first down the gullet.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, you don’t have to prove it.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yeah. Listen, I’m no Mark Harman but it was probably Stephane. She’s got big boobs, so she probably does big pads.

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Um, no I don’t.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay! I’m just gonna keep going with what happened. So, it looks like they tried to soak up the water with everyone’s coats. Then they nailed the bathroom door shut and paint over the doorknobs so no one can tell it was a door.

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: That sounds clever. Did that work?

Dad: Um, no! Then they went on my laptop and tried to order a new toilet on Amazon Prime.

Meghan: Honestly, wow!

Dad: Then, they G-chatted someone named ‘Meghan’s mom’ and said, “It happened again. Just like in church, but worse.”

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Whoever did it, just come forward! We’re all adults here. Everybody gets a period. We all get it the same way. Two strong weeks tapered with a week on either side. Cramps, medical farts, violence, sexual hallucinations. Ah! We need Mark Harman, honestly.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, look girls. Here’s the truth. I spoke to my insurance company and we’re looking at $ten,000 in damage and I really need to be able to tell them what happened. So, whoever did it, I hope would feel safe enough to tell me.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh! Come on, you guys! Just tell the hot dad that your period broke his whole house.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Meghan, can I talk to you a moment?

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: Yeah, how can I help?

Dad: I just wanna give you a chance away from anybody else. Is there anything that you wanna tell me?

Meghan: I think we should be together.

Dad: No. No!

Meghan: I gamed it out. Okay? The next six years, you’ll be with your wife while I go to college and learn things. And then Columbus day weekend freshman year, I come home, [claps] we bang!

Dad: Okay! No, Meghan. I give up.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: Wait! I have to confess something. I flushed the pad. I’m like, scared of tampons. I’m sorry.

Ego: Wait! I also flushed the pad.

Stephane: Wait! I did too.

Aidy: And I flushed many, many pads. Today, yesterday and everyday before that for a week and a half.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Wow! Thank you girls for your honesty. [Cut to everybody] Meghan, is there anything that you would like to say.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: No, there is not.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, girls. Have fun. I’m sure everything will be okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Girls: Thanks Mr. Pennyham.

[Cut to the house from the outside. The house blows up!] [The End]

Medieval Times

Mikey Day

King…Beck Bennett

Princess… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Blue Knight… Alex Moffat

Green Knight… Chris Redd

Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver

Kyle Mooney

Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor

Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang

[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building] [Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]

Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?

[Cut to King and Princess]

King: Bring forth the knights.

Princess: And let the tournament commence.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight!

[Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight!

[Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]

Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.

Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.

Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?

Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]

Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?

[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]

Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: God, speak to our knights

[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]

Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.

Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.

[Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away]

Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.

[Kyle walks in with a falcon]

Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.

Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–

[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.

Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.

King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.

Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?

[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.

[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight] [Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]

Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]

Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?

Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.

Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.

Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!

Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.

Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?

[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]

Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice!

[Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]

Mikey: No, no.

[The king is running] [Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.

[Kenan gives his son to have his drink] [The End]