Coffee Shop: Season 44 Episode 1

Coffee Representative…..Mikey Day

Female 1…..Ego Nwodim

Male 1…..Beck Bennett

Male 2…..Adam Driver

Female 2…..Cecily Strong

Female 3…..Heidi Gardner

Male 3…..Chris Redd

Barista…..Melissa Villaseñor

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Opens with a family walking up to a Domenico’s Coffee Shop. ] [ Cut to inside the coffee shop where there is a marketing representative walking around three tables with three couples sitting and tasting coffee. ]

Coffee Rep: So how are you all enjoying the Domenico’s new coffee drink?

Female 1: I love it!

Male 1: This Americano is delicious.

Male 2: Now I say to the day I die, Domenico’s knows coffee.

Female 2: Yeah, I’m a bit of a coffee snob and I have to say Domenico’s nailed it.

Female 3: Yeah, they really did.

Coffee Rep: Well, I’m glad you folks feel that way. Because what if I told you that the delicious coffee drinks you’re sipping on aren’t actually from a specialty coffee shop?

Male 2: Heh, heh, heh. What?

Female 2: What’s happening?

Coffee Rep: But, they’re actually coffee from Burger King’s..

[ Three Burger King workers walk out carrying Burger King coffees in to-go containers. ]

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: New Cafe Gourmet!

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: BK Joe Coffee!

Male 2: What the hell?

Female 3: Woah, this coffee is from Burger King?

Male 3: Well damn, I guess I’ll be going to Burger King a lot more often.

Male 2: Well hold the phone brother, because I guess I just don’t get it. You’re telling me that I was just drinking a delicious cup of Domenico’s coffee with my new wife, then a bunch of puds walk out with burger coffee. Now you’re telling me we were drinking BK Joe the whole time. I, I guess I just don’t get it.

Coffee Rep: Well you actually do get it. Because that is exactly what just happened. And you’re not alone. Nine out of ten customers say they can’t tell the difference between BK Joe and the fancy stuff.

Female 2: But I can tell, and this is Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: But the fun thing is that you actually drank BK Joe.

Female 2: Well, probably everyone else’s was a BK Joe. But mine wasn’t. I’m a Domenico’s girl.

Male 2: My new wife is a Domenico’s girl.

Coffee Rep: Okay sure, but that coffee is BK Joe. And get this, it costs just a $1.99.

Male 2: $1.99, you better take that back you pervert.

Coffee Rep: Woah, sir. There is no need for that.

Male 2: You fed my wife this garbage? Huh, this burger juice? How dare you? The day after our wedding.

Male 1: You came here the day after your wedding?

Female 2: Baby, I can’t believe I drank that burger coffee. I think I’m going to be sick. Baby, give me your purse.

[ Male 2 grabs his purse and hands it to female 2. ]

Male 2: Alright.

[ Female 2 begins to gag and stick out her tongue over the purse. ]

Coffee Rep: Wait, I’m sorry. Do you guys think that the coffee is made from burgers? Cause it’s not. It just comes from Burger King.

Male 2: Excuse me. Burger King! What happened to BK Joe? Alright be real with me brother. Are you BK Joe? Is he BK? [ He points to Male 3. ] Because I know it’s not her. [ He points to female 3. ]

Female 3: What?

Coffee Rep: BK Joe is not a person.

Female 2: Why should we trust anything you say? You lied about everything else. Oh, let me guess. This isn’t even Domenico’s coffee.

Coffee Rep: It’s not! I’ve said that several times.

Male 1: I’ll Krav Maga you right now. You know I know Krav Maga. Try me BK.

Female 2: Babe, babe, babe. What about the Batista? Is the batista real?

Female 1: Okay, I think you mean Barista.

Male 2: Batista, are you even real?

Barista: I am a paid actor but I did used to work at a Starbucks.

Male 2: As what a clown? Cause that’s what you are.

Female 2: Okay, I know why you’re all doing this. You’re jealous of me. You’ve been jealous of me since the second I walked into this Domenico’s. Because you could never get a man like this. I can’t go through this again, not at a Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: Ma’am, Domenico’s is not a real place. This was a set built for a shoot.

Female 3: You know what, I don’t care where this coffee came from. I love it.

Female 2: Okay, look, I’m telling you this only because I’m honestly the nicest and most honest person here. But when you say that, you sound poor.

Female 3: Excuse me.

Female 2: You sound desperate you sound poor. And when this movie comes out, you’re going to want to kill yourself. I’m just trying to be nice.

Coffee Rep: I’m sorry you think this is a movie? For burger King?

Male 2: You see this Biscootie cookie? [ He picks up the Biscotti cookie and breaks it in half. ] This is you. Ah, now you know I know Krav maga.

Female 2: Oh my God, that got me so horned up baby. I love you so much.

Male 2: I love you, too. I’ll kill for you.

Female 2: And you will.

[ Male 2 and female 2 begin to kiss. Female 2 repeatedly says ‘Mmm’ each time their lips touch. ]

Coffee Rep: Oh, Jesus. [ They continue to kiss. Female 2 making ‘mmm’ noises and creepy giggles. ] Well, it feels like we’re not going to be able to use any of this footage so you can all go home. Thank you.

Male 2: Alright, come on baby. Let’s go. [ Male 2 and female 2 begin to exit the coffee shop together. ]

Female 2: Okay, baby don’t forget your purse. Can we stop by Burger King, I hear they have Domenico’s now.

[ Cut to Burger King BK Joe advertisement image. ]

Announcer: Brought to you by BK Joe from Burger King. BK is Burger king and Joe is coffee.

 

80’s Party: Season 44 Episode 1

Hank…..Mikey Day

Fenster…..Adam Driver

Frat Guy 1 (Andrew Gucherman)…..Beck Bennett

Frat guy 2…..Chris Redd

Sorority Girl 1…..Ego Nwodim

Sorority Girl 2…..Cecily Strong

Sorority Girl 3…..Aidy Bryant

Frat guy 3…..Pete Davidson

Frat guy 4…..Alex Moffat

Sorority Girl 4…..Heidi Gardner

Sorority Girl 5…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Image of the front of a Frat House with a title that reads in ‘Rad Times At Frat U”. ] [ Cut to Fenster and Hank walking down the street towards the Frat House. ]

Hank: I don’t know Fenster, a frat party?

Fenster: Come on Hank, it’s Homecoming weekend! You have to party.

Hank: Yeah, I should be studying.

[ They approach the door and Fenster rings the doorbell. ]

Fenster: Come on, dorkus, live a little.

[ Frat guy 1 answers the door. ]

Frat guy 1: Ooh, welcome to the fun house, nerds. Homecoming weekend. Hahahaha.

[ Hank and Fenster enter a very crowded active party. ]

Hank: Oh boy.

Fenster: Well Hank, this will be a night we will never forget.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Fenster as he enters the party. Below his face is the caption, ‘Stated in a recent deposition he has no memory of this night.’ ] [ Cut to the break in a game of pool. ] [ Cut to a frat guy shotgunning a beer. ] [ Cut to frat guy 1 and 2 standing in the kitchen drinking beers. ]

Frat guy 2: Wow, this party’s crazy.

Frat guy 1: Look around freshman. Nothing we do tonight matters.

Frat guy 1 & 2: No consequences!

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 2 smiling. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lost his medical license as a consequence of this night.’ ]

Sorority Girl 1: Sorry guys, turns out we couldn’t get beer.

Sorority Girl 2: But we got cocaine!!! [ She waves a small bag of white powder. The rest of the party cheers. Then she rubs some of the white powder on her gums. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of sorority girl 2 rubbing cocaine on her gums. The caption below her face reads, ‘Fox News Correspondent’. ] [ Cut to sorority girl 1 dancing then black and white freeze frame of her with cocaine smeared below her nose. The caption reads, ‘MSNBC anchor’. ] [Cut to Sorority girl 3 waking up on the couch. She has sharpie markings all over her face and she walks away from the couch. Then the camera does the black and white freeze frame with her caption reading, ‘Forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ] [ Cut to two sorority girls making out. ]

Random frat guy’s voice: Woah, those chicks are making out.

[ Cut to a group of frat guys sitting on the stairs, drinking beers, while watching the two girls make out. ]

Frat guy 3: Oh wow, two girls kissing. I live for this stuff boys.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 3 smiling on the stairs. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lives upstate with husband of 15 years’. ] [ Cut to Hank sitting on the couch talking to a girl. ]

Hank: Man, I’m not going to get stuck in this town. I’m going places.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Hank. His caption reads, ‘Dead’. ] [ Cut to a beer can being opened. ] [ Cut to the dance floor where everyone is dancing. There is girl, Agnus, with head gear up front and frat guy 1 approaches her. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey Agnus, I got you a present. [ He goes in for a kiss over her head gear and she pulls away saying, ‘Ew!’ ]

Frat guy 4: Twenty bucks my dude. [ He hands frat guy 1 $20 as a reward for kissing Agnus over her head gear. ]

Frat guy 1: Ew, I can’t believe I did that.

Frat guy 4: Me either! [ They shake hands and hug. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Frat guy 1 with his hands in the air smiling. The caption reads, ‘Perpetually haunted by this moment’. ] [ Cut to Frat guy 4 dancing then black and white freeze frame. This caption reads, ‘Also forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ] [ Cut to three sorority girls drinking beers next to other party-goers playing Pong on a small TV. ]

Sorority Girl 4: Ew, did you hear that the Gooch kissed Agnus the hag-nus?

Sorority Girl 2: Ugh, that guy is such a skeez.

Sorority Girl 5: Yeah, stay away from him.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of the three sorority girls. The caption is below Sorority Girl 5 and it reads, ‘Dated him’. The caption below sorority girl 2 reads, ‘Dated him’. And the caption below sorority girl 4 reads, ‘Married him’. ] [ Cut to the pool. There are a few people in the pool and the rest are standing around the pool. Frat guy 1 is walking to the edge of the diving board fully clothed. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey everybody! People are going to be talking about this party for the rest of our lives. And when they do, remember that I, Andrew Gucherman, did this. [ He unzips his pants and pulls them down revealing his naked lower half. ] Memorize these nuts! [ He takes off his shirt and does a back flop into the pool. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of a naked frat guy 1 just before he lands in the pool on his back. The caption reads, ‘Insisted to a federal grand jury he never did this’. ] [ Cut to frat guy 1 splashing into the pool and the rest of the party-goers cheering him along from the sides of the pool. ] [Cut to black and white freeze frame of the party-goers cheering. Captions start appearing underneath everyone reading, ‘Backed him up’ and the caption beneath Hank reads, ‘Killed by Andrew Cunanan’. ] [ Cut to image of the front of the frat house with a caption that reads, ‘Frat disbanded after five-part Rolling Stone article’. ] [ Cut to Fenster sitting handcuffed between two FBI agents. ]

Fenster: But hey, that was the 80’s. So how serious are the charges?