Emily Hernandez…Ariana DeBose
Eric Adams… Chris Redd
[Starts with Emily Hernandez speaking on a podium]
Emily Hernandez: Good morning, everyone. I’d like to welcome everyone to City Hall. As you know, it’s been a tough few years for New York but we have a new mayor now. And he hungry. But I will warn you the mayor does not like chaos. If y’all act up, I will come for you, okay? Now please clap for your new mayor, the friskiest uncle at your barbecue, ladies and gentlemen, Eric Adams.
[Eric Adams walks in]
Eric Adams: Okay. Yeah, I see you New York. Oh, smile everybody. It’s New York. It’s January, baby. [Emily Hernandez and Eric Adams dancing] Ay! Ain’t no contact but she knows I’m there. You know what I’m saying?
Emily Hernandez: Knock yourself, sir.
Eric Adams: I’ll watch you, girl. Go ahead and cut that track. What’s up, New York? It’s your homeboy, your hometown hero, Eric Adams. You feel that? New York is back baby. The city’s never had a mayor with so much swag before. I mean, y’all see me outside. The pea coat, the scarf, the shine of baldy. You can tell I have swagger. It keeps me healthy. See? The city’s been suffering for what I like to call a swagless existence. Y’all had no swag. That’s why you get sick. No offense. Let’s just be real. I haven’t been sick in over 60 years. I’m muscular. I’m vegan. And I get that dang thing every day before breakfast. You can start the day without finishing first, you understand me? I’m just playing, unless you like that. Okay, now let’s get to some questions so we can fix this city. Bishop from New York. Let’s go.
[Cut to press raising their hands to ask questions]
Ah! Ah! Ah! No, I do not do chaos in my city. Okay. I told you all that I was a police officer for over 70 years. If I get startled, I start beating people’s asses. I don’t want to do that.
Emily Hernandez: And excuse me. But this man, he is not Bill DeBlasio.
Eric Adams: No, I ain’t that weak ass.
Emily Hernandez: Now, he will kick your ass.
Eric Adams: Okay, now she’s joking, but she’s from the Bronx. So, is she? Okay, questions. Let’s start with the squirrel up front. Go ahead, squirrel.
Mikey: Me? Okay. Mr. Mayor, you said you intend to keep schools open despite skyrocketing COVID numbers and outcry from teachers? Does that still make sense?
Eric Adams: Thank you, nut nut. Little squirrel man asked a really good question. Yes, kids need to stay in school. Learn about life. There are too many swagless parents out there giving their kids no swag at home and as a mayor that is so saucy, just dripping in swag goo, it hurts my heart. It’s dangerous to have your kids out there with no swag. Let me tell you a story about a boy I went to school with, little Timmy now. The boy had no swag. Dumbass shoes, dumbass shirt, dumbass pants. One day little Timmy walks his dusty ass up to the finest girl in school. Tiffany DoBarton. Whoo! she was fine, you know. Now, little Timmy look to her right in the eye and boom, drop dead, right there, the lack of swagger stop the boy hard. It was so sad. You know what Shakespeare says? “If doth lack of the swagger, woth for art thou, heart shall beat no more” or something like that. Bitch, I’m from New York. Does that answer your question?
Mikey: Not really. No.
Eric Adams: Good. Next question.
Mikey: Oh wait, Mr. Mayor.
Emily Hernandez: No, no, no, no. Excuse me. Let me ask you one more question. No, no, no, no, no. That’s how y’all sound? This ain’t the C train. Okay? We have here. Proceed.
Eric Adams: Alright, then. Miss lady, go ahead.
Heidi: Mr. Mayor, last week you said low skill workers don’t have the skills to sit in an office. Do you really believe that?
Eric Adams: I’m glad you brought that back up, Princess Peach. And congrats on escaping that castle. Look, that quote was taken out of context, obviously. Let me clarify. But unskilled workers, I mean folks with trash jobs, I mean, trash lives– Wait, no. What I mean is if you were better at life, you would have a desk. No. I’m sorry. Y’all miss hearing me and it’s making me misquote myself. Listen, we in a society, okay? And there are kings and there are queens, and then everybody else below that. The dirty people. Is that better for you? Hey, I don’t like the way you making me feel right now? Man, I was a cop for 97 years. You understand me? Show me some respect. Next question. Weird Eminem.
Bowen: Mr. Mayor, what qualifications does your brother have to be head of your security detail? Isn’t that nepotism?
Eric Adams: Thank you, cyka cyka Slim Shady. Now, y’all keep asking me about my brother like y’all could kick his ass or something. Listen, I was a cop for over 222 years. I trust my brother. We got a lot of secrets together. Bad too. Plus y’all forget, JFK appointed his brother. Why? Because the man had swagger. I could be your JFK, New York. And I’m out here looking for my Marilyn Monroe. Shout out. But look. But unlike JFK, I’m not gonna get popped in the head. I’m gonna receive some. Okay. That was my staff waving at me saying I should not have made that joke and that’s fair. I do apologize. Unless you like that. Now, I’ll leave you with this, New York. Y’all in good black Boolean hands, alright? And we’re gonna beat this virus together and I believe that. Plus you know what rhymes with cough? Tough. And I mean it doesn’t but it should. And New York is tough as hell. And I dare COVID to run up on me. Please COVID, come to Brooklyn bro! Walk right up to this ass whooping! Okay? I’ll leave the light on for you dog. COVID is welcome anytime in New York. You can print that.
Emily Hernandez: Okay. Well, maybe let’s not welcome the virus. But thank you everyone. Seriously.
Eric Adams: Alright. Well, let’s have a great four years everybody. Bishop from New York, let’s go.