OJ Address

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a screen capture of someone using Twitter. There he sees OJ Simpson’s video and plays it.] [Cut to OJ Simpson’s video. He is holding a golf stick in his hand. He is outside the door of a house.]

OJ Simpson: Hey, Twitter. It’s me, America’s dad, OJ Simpson. I just want to send a big shoutout to my man Lauren Michaels and the whole gang over at SNL for doing another SNL at home. I know y’all thought y’all only gonna do one, and then you realized you had to do another one. Trust me, I can relate. But I’m glad that y’all are doing it because everybody could use a good laugh these days. People are just too uptight and paranoid. You know, just the other day, I took my mask off in a grocery store for two seconds. And you would have thought that I had killed somebody. Some lady screamed at me. “Nobody wants you here. You shouldn’t be out.” Which I understand the point. I mean, at my age I am at risk for the virus. But she had to throw a damn coffee at my face. Boy, people make me so mad sometimes. I just– [breathes out and throws his golf stick away]

Anyway, so, now I’m following all the rules. You ain’t got to worry about the juice. I got my gloves, [showing golf gloves] that’s right. And I got my mask. [showing hockey mask] So, there’s no reason to hate me. Okay?

[horn honking]

Stranger: You’re a monster, OJ.

OJ Simpson: Hey, you know it, my friend. He must have saw my drive over on 14. As I was saying, don’t worry about the juice, alright? I’m gonna be fine. I mean, even if I did get corona, you know I’ll beat it. I can beat anything. Well, I might not want to go that far. I mean, just my luck. I get the corona and beat it, and then I get taken out later on down the line by a lesser more harmless disease that was mine in the first place and I was just taking it back! Boy, just thinking about getting stick makes me so mad I could just–

But anyway, remember to follow me on tiktok. Yeah, there’s fun little alibies of me goofing around.  Ha-ha-ha. Alright, the juice is loose. And hey, Lauren, ease up on my boy Trump, man. He’s a good guy. Am I right?

Bernie Sanders Address

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from Senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders sitting on a couch in his home]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, America. It’s me, Bernie Sanders. Always a bridesmaid, never the democratic nominee. Because of the stress of the campaign and the coronavirus, I’ve lost a lot of hair on top which I don’t think is coming back any time soon, unfortunately. As you know, I have suspended my presidential campaign. People have been very nice asking how I’m doing, if I have enough toilet papers. Please, hah! I’m the 78 year old man living in Vermont. I have a whole room full of toilet paper. And by the way, not the good stuff. Single ply. I’m talking single TP. But I digress.

I know a lot of you have questions. And because I can’t download Zoom on my Dell computer, I thought I’d answer them all right here. Question number one, what the hell happened? First of all, math happened. [speaking Spanish] And it didn’t help. That’s the media lined up behind Joe Biden like he lines up behind the set of lady shoulders.

Which brings me to our next question. Will I endorse Joe Biden? It’s not about if I endorse. I am going to endorse. It’s about how I endorse. A full throated [speaking heavily] I endorse this man? Or more than endorsement, uh- soft endorsement. I’m political chop. For the time being, it’s just the chop.

Let’s move on to the real crisis, The coronavirus. Our healthcare workers don’t even have the proper protective equipment. They don’t have Purell. They don’t have the little keychain that has the bottle of Purell that goes on your purse. Their gloves have holes in the fingers like Oliver Twist. And I should know. I went to high school with Oliver Twist. Oh, boy, what a schmuck. [mocking] Please sir, can I have some more. Some more. Greedy little bastard. To tackle this pandemic, here’s what we have to do. No more handshakes. No more high fives. And don’t even mention the Euro kiss. The only greeting we need is the half wave. it’s 50% ‘hello’ and 50% ‘yeah, yeah, yeah. Go away. Go away.’ It has worked for me for years.

So, what’s next? Look, don’t worry about me. It’s spring in Vermont, so soon it will be up to 40 degrees. And I finally have the time to relax and finish that heart attack from October. But my immediate plan is to do anything I can to beat Donald Trump. That’s why I’m voting for Joe Biden as enthusiastically as Joe voted for the Iraq war.

In closing, I just wanna say sincere thank you to everyone who voted for me. The young people, the queer people, the Brendans, the Kyles, and of course, the hot girls who love weed. And to the little bird who landed on my podium during the last election, where the hell were you this time?

So, stay safe. Stay healthy. And please, whatever you do, stay the hell away from me.

Okay, somebody show me how to turn this stupid thing off.

Male voice: This has been a message from Senator Bernie Sanders.