After High School

[Starts with students enjoying their senior prom]

DJ: All good things must come to an end including this prom. But we got a couple of songs left, so let’s make a count. Class of 2002, how are you all feeling?

[everyone cheering] [slow guitar plaing]

Andrew: Hard to believe it’s been 20 years since that night. After graduation, we all went our separate ways. But I still like to think about my old friends and smile.

Shelly Heinz graduated first in our class, then went to Harvard, where she graduated dead last. I guess our high school just wasn’t that good.

Tessa White got married, and two beautiful daughters and one fat ugly son.

As for Rachel Finster, well, the less said about her the better.

Dana Miguel made good on her promise to hike the Appalachian Trail. She remains missing to this day.

Trina dash played D1 soccer in college and won a national championship. She should have been happy, but she never got over Rachel Finster sleeping with her dad.

Darius Caldwell eventually made it to the pros. Professional pornography. He’s worked with all the greats, even Rachel Fenster.

As for Carly Hill, she moved to West Virginia after high school and married a minor. A coal miner, who was 16 years old.

Billy Wendell followed his dreams. Unfortunately, he only dreamed about killing his grandparents.

Dougie Finnegan never stopped inventing things. And eventually, one of those inventions made him rich. Fentanyl. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Rachel Fenster Sure has.

Class sweethearts, Becca and Robbie made a vow to lose their virginity that night. And they both did to the DJ.

Some people are happier stories like Natalie Turner, who was granted the first gay marriage license in the state. We all went to the wedding. Even Rachel Finster, who was there protesting with their hateful church. Some years later, Jeff Ahmed reached out to Rachel to try to talk some sense into her. And it worked. They started dating and eventually moved in together. His body was never found.

Some of our friends surprised us. Carla Andretti followed her mother’s footsteps all the way to the US Capitol building on January 6th.

And how can we forget Amy faltan? Well, I’m not sure how, but we all did. Just completely forgot about her. Like she didn’t exist.

And then there’s Peter Liu, who left a huge mark on Broadway after he threw himself off the roof of the Winter Garden Theatre to protest the governors.

Herschel Williams, he became a writer. His first book, “Friend of the devil: Growing up with Rachel Finster: was a best seller.

Time took us all in so many different directions. For a brief moment, we were all there together, dancing the night away, with our whole lives ahead of us. Except for me, I was murdered by Rachel Finster, and my soul cannot cross over until she is brought to justice.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating After Covid

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With the rate of vaccinations picking up, singles are navigating the post covid dating scene for the first time. Here with his advice is the guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Sack meat’s back, alright! Hey there, Jost-er coaster. Long time, no whee!

Colin Jost: No man, it’s really bad.

The guy: Hey, loosen up, Jost-infection. We could use a little humor right now. That was a rough two weeks in Quar.

Colin Jost: Two weeks? I thought it was a full year.

The guy: Yeah, maybe for the plebes. I was living it up in caymans with my main man, army ham. He answers my calls now, hey-ho!

Colin Jost: yeah, I bet he does. What’s your advice for dating now that things are reopening?

The guy: Right. Okay, so in person dating is back. Good bye FaceTime. Hello, ‘sit on my face’ time. It’s time to start the spread. But before you get on on the scene, you want to get them vaxed on their backs. So, take her down to the Javits center for a little ‘jab and enter’ with your Johnson&Johnson. I have an awful penis. And remember, these are dry times. So, she’s so desperate to catch some moby-dick, she’ll practically throw her harpoon, [pointing at himself] worse lay guaranteed. Then you are ‘bing’, free to move about the country. So, put on your best vinny vines and blade your babe out to the east end of long Izzy because remember, the hampies drop the panties. Rocking and showed. Hit up an outdoor BBQ which of course stands for “Babe, be quiet. Me pee-nee [pointing at his penis] no worka!” Oh? Now, if your gal’s an anti-vaxxer, first off, hot. And secondè, no proba, just check in before you’re sexing to see if she is testing because she could bee ass-symptomatic. Remember to swab those nostril, Jost-rol, because I treat covid test like I play foreplay – Colin Jost5 seconds on each side.

Colin Jost: Each side? What?

The guy: And pretty soon, she’ll be getting social with your D and purring those magical words, “I waited a year for that?”

Colin Jost: Wow, man. What if covid cases rise again?

The guy: Hakuna-ma-tata, compadre. No worries. Just have a date in Fresco with the old apartmento. Order some Uber eats, pour some vino grigio and play a little PS5. You know, let crash banda-ku, smash hand and koot. I’m done before Enrique.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said what?

The guy: I said I own a boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat, everyone.

The guy: Flappy Kiester!