Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial Cold Open

Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon

Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant

Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner

Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson

Tasha… Ego Nwodem

Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor

Jamal… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.

[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]

Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.

Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.

Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.

Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?

Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.

Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?

Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.

Judge: Oh, word?

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.

Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?

Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?

[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]

Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.

Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.

Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?

Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.

[Tasha walks in]

Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?

Leonard Green: Look at this.

Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.

Tasha: Well, who did it then?

Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?

Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.

Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?

Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?

Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.

Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?

Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.

Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?

Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.

Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.

Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?

Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!

Leonard Green: Sophia!

[cut back to the court]

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?

Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?

Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.

Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?

Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.

Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.

[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]

Sophia: Hola. Como estas.

[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.] [speaking Spanish]

Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.

Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.

Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.

Leonard Green: See? I told you.

Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?

Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jamal walks in the room]

Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.

Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.

Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.

Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.

Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.

[cut back to the court]

Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.

Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.

Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Guidance Counselors

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Barbizar… Bowen Yang

Mrs. barbizar… Ego Nwodim

Ninnie… Selena Gomez

[Starts with Aidy at the stage of college]

Aidy: Okay, seniors give it up for your mascot, Sal the Spooked Horse.

[Sal the spooked horse walks in and jumps around] [cheers ad applause] [Sal the spooked horse walks out]

Now, the guidance counselor’s wanted to give some advice before graduation season. So please welcome Mr. And Mrs. Barbizar.

[Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar walk in]

Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar: Hi, hi.

Mrs. Barbizar: Good morning. What an honor to address the old dirty bastard High School Class of 2022.

Mr. Barbizar: We are so proud of you. But a lot of you may be unsure what to do after high school. There are so many career paths.

Mrs. Barbizar: It’s hard to know what you like or what you’re good at.

Mr. Barbizar: So our advice to everyone is…

Mr and Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Get into modeling.

Chris: Sorry, are you saying we should be models after we graduate?

Mrs. Barbizar: Yes, exactly. Model.

Mr. Barbizar: Our advice to students is model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Because in this moment, you’re the youngest you’ll ever be and you just missed it up.

Mr. Barbizar: Yap, maybe it’ll help if an ODB alum comes out and talks about her experience modeling.

Mrs. Barbizar: You guys want that?

Mr. Barbizar: Yeah, you do.

Mrs. Barbizar: Okay, please welcome spokesperson for modeling from the class of 2017, Ninnie Sips.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie.

[Ninnie walks in]

Ninnie: Wow. Thank you so much for having me. When I was in high school, the one thing I wished someone told me was model.

Mr. Barbizar: See?

Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Ninnie: And now I’m proud to say I’m the first person in my family to not go to college.

Mrs. Barbizar: Congratulations. Ninnie, the time has come. Let’s show them how to do 80 poses and five seconds..

Mr. Barbizar: Hit the track. [music playing and all three of them do different poses] Wow, that was amazing.

Mrs. Barbizar: Work!

Ninnie: Any questions?

Chris: Hi. Yeah, I’m really good at math and I really love math. And I always wanted to be an accountant. Do I have to be a model?

Mrs. Barbizar: You don’t have to, but let me ask you this. Do you want to live in Paris or Syracuse?

Ninnie: Do you want to work at H&M or H in our block?

Mr. Barbizar: Do you want to do Leonardo DiCaprio or do taxes with someone named Leon did nothing? How tall are you?

Melissa: 5’6″.

Mr. Barbizar: Keep working on that?

Mrs. Barbizar: Be taller.

Ninnie: You, I like your look. How old are you?

Chloe: 17.

Ninnie: That’s perfect, stay that age forever.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie, let’s show them 100 faces in five seconds. Go.

[music playing and all three of them do different faces]

Wow.

Mrs. Barbizar: That was amazing. That was modeling.

Melissa: Wait, are you guys models? Do you have modeling experience?

Ninnie: Yes. On my flight here, someone was choking and people were asking if there was a model on the plane. So I modeled. And that was the last thing he saw.

Mr. Barbizar: That’s amazing. So what do you say kids? Wanna come with us on model all over the world?

Chloe: Yes!

Kyle: I’m gonna be model.

Melissa: Me too.

Ninnie: Good, so let’s start. Everyone do 10,000 poses in 1 million seconds.

All three: Music.

[music playing] [all of the students are doing poses]

Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.

Mothers Day Gifts

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

John… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with a family gathering on Mother’s day]

Children: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Mikey: Come on, mom. Open it.

Aidy: Oh my gosh, what a Mother’s Day. You did too much.

John: Well, you deserve it. After all, you’re our mom.

Aidy: Well, I’m your wife.

John: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Who wants to go first?

Chloe: I do. I do.

Aidy: Oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see. Okay, “Life doesn’t come with a manual. It comes with a mother.” Oh, where’d you get this?

Chloe: We got it at Home Depot. They sell art there too.

John: This one’s from me, sweetie.

Aidy: Okay, thank you, John. Okay, “Mom turned upside down spells Wow.”

John: Turn it upside down, it actually works.

Aidy: No no, I see. No, you’re right. It does it. These are really great.

Mikey: Here, mom. Thought you’d like this one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Thank you, sweetie. Okay, “Dear mom. We sucked your teats dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Happy Mother’s Day.”

John: Aww.

Danny: Good one.

Chloe: Chloe.

Aidy: But I guess I thought this one would have a little funny rhyme or something. But thank you.

Chloe: You kind of look like the woman in the sign?

Aidy: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Chloe: Honey, give her yours.

Danny: Okay, here you go, Mrs. M. Just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me to the family.

Aidy: Oh, of course, Danny. Let’s see. “Having a mother in law is like having crabs.”

John: Aww.

Aidy: What? Is there more on the back? I mean, it feels like they didn’t finish the joke.

Chloe: Well, you’re gonna like this one.

Aidy: Okay, well, I do like the color for sure. “Were your ears ringing? I was in therapy.” That doesn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day.

John: I picked this one all out by myself.

Aidy: Okay, it’s a big one here. “Dear wife. Now that the kids are grown, we don’t have sex as much anymore. But we do sometimes. And that’s fine.” What?

John: This one actually goes with it. So “Don’t read into that as me asking for more sex. The amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay These are getting really specific and personal.

Chloe: Yeah, they’re great. Right?

Aidy: Well, I think you’ve spent too much.

Danny: Oh no, they’re like $1.99.

Chloe: Okay, I want to read this one. “Dear Mom, if you died and dad remarried—” [John laughing] Wait, I’m not finished. “It would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place where we were able to call the new woman Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay, okay. I don’t understand. You know, usually these signs say something like, you know, “Caution. Mom needs wine,” or something like that.

John: We have ones like that here.

Aidy: Okay, okay, let’s see. It says, “Oh, look, it’s wine o’clock. I just love watching the sunrise.” Is that implying that I’m getting drunk at dawn?

Danny: Here’s a good one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. “I only drink on days that end in y and during hours that have numbers in them.”

Chloe: Here’s another.

Aidy: Oh, my— Okay, okay, “I’m not drunk. It’s just the wine talking.” Oh, “As in, oh my god, a bottle is talking to me and it has lips and everything. Did I get so drunk? I did shrooms. Oh, yeah, I did. I’m an effing mess.” Okay, I don’t drink that much.

Mikey: Here you go.

Aidy: Oh. [opens the sign] “You do”? Okay, I think Mother’s Day can be done now. Okay, thank you, everyone.

Mikey: No, mom. We’re sorry. I guess we got carried away.

John: Yeah, I mean, you know, they seemed really clever in the store. Don’t be mad. This is your day.

Chloe: There is one last one if you want to look, you probably don’t though.

Aidy: Oh, you know what? Fine. Just give it to me. “Mom, for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do, there’s just one thing we need to mention. You’re the best. We love you.” Okay, well, that one is pretty cool.

Danny: That part flips down.

Aidy: Okay. “We suspect dad has a secret family.”

[John laughing]

John: Who wants more pancakes.

Aidy: Well, wait, do you? I need an answer.

Truck Stop CD

Kyle Mooney

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Trucker… Jake Gyllenhaal

Darlene… Cecily Strong

Picky… Andrew Dismukes

El Chapo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Kyle ad Ego in Truckstops.]

Kyle: Truckstops have the wildest stuff.

Ego: Yeah, like, the my other car is a gun?

Kyle: And who are the weirdos still buying CDs?

Aidy: Well, truckers that’s who.

Kyle: Oh, very cool.

Aidy: Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits. My favorite truck driving crooner Johnny Gatlin. Yeah, I’m talking about “Truck you you truckin’ truck”. 42 songs, all about truckin.

Ego: Great. You mind if we just scooped past you?

Aidy: Songs include fender bender in hits like “Truckers life”.

[song]

Trucker: I’m peeing in a bottle and I’m peeing in a thermos
and I’m peeing in a cup and I’m peeing in the bucket
and I’m peeing in a diaper and I’m peeing at the window
The wind blows back in my face.

Aidy: Whoo! Been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart wrenching duet between trucker and truckers’ wife. Featuring Darlene cuisine, don’t go forgettin.

Trucker: Gotta go back down on the road
I’m gonna miss you till I get home.

Darlene: And I’m asking you to remember
You always got to remember

Trucker and Darlene: Don’t go forgettin
Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss

Kyle: Are all these songs about peeing?

Aidy: Well, not all. But many of them? Yes. Big part of the lifestyle.

[whooing sound]

Kyle: Okay, what was that?

Aidy: Oh, wow. That would be the dreaded ghost trucker t. little Picky Dickens.

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Trucker:When the fog came rolling in,
and his hog came rolling out,
reaching down his pants,
he starts to touch himself
with the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
People say his screams to echo to this day

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Aidy: Oh! And the old children’s classic “Blow that horn”.

Picky: I see your little boy on an iPad in a minivan next to mine.

Trucker: He singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige 

Darlene: A smile comes across his face, I’m so happy I can make his day

Trucker: And the car in front of me get startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch

Aidy: Oh, yes. And of course, no collection is complete without the trucker standard, “The hitch hiker”.

Trucker: A hot July day in 2015 down it Juarez, Mexico
I’m trucking along the highway
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
The mustachioed man helps him in the cab
and he’s only five feet tall
Something about him looks so familiar
Then suddenly, I recall
his name’s El Chapo, El Chapo.
Oh god I think I helped El Chapo
He definitely helped El Chapo

El Chapo: I’m El Chapo and this is a certified bump.

Aidy: Truck you you truckin’ truck, available only at loves Truckstops up the I-40.

[Kyle and Ego sneaks out from behind her]

All: Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker
Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker

Chucky

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Chucky… Sarah Sherman

Jake Gyllenhaal

Janet… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with ladies talking in the restroom]

Chloe: Oh my god, these meetings kind of have been brutal.

Melissa: I know I can barely keep my eyes open.

Ego: You guys, I’m so done with Janet.

Chloe: Okay, she is awful.

Ego: I know.

Chloe: She’s always like running down the hallway so fast. It’s like what’s the big rush Janet? You don’t actually do anything.

Ego: Ha-ah-ha. And does she have to eat tuna every day?

Melissa: Makes me sick. And she chews with her mouth open like a farm man.

Ego: Yes.

Chloe: Okay. The worst is when she’s quiet. It’s so creepy.

Ego: Seriously, yesterday when we were carpooling, I completely forgot she was in the car because she didn’t say a word the whole time. And all of a sudden, she just pops up in the backseat out of nowhere like Chucky.

[everyone laughing. Suddenly, someone flushes the toiled behind them. Then real Chucky walks out of the toilet and washes his hands.]

Chloe: Hey, Chucky.

Ego: We didn’t realize you were in there.

Chucky: Well, I was.

Melissa: Did you hear us talking?

Chucky: No, not really. Oh, in a part where you compared me to Janet, you filthy slut? [pulls out a knife] You’re not gonna mess with me.

[Chucky attacks them] [Cut to an HR meeting. All the ladies’ hair are messy.]

Jake: I know no one likes getting called into an HR meeting but given what happened this morning, I felt it was necessary. Chucky, as you know we have a company policy against stabbing your coworkers in the legs with a knife. But ladies, we also have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to bullying. What you said about Chucky was uncalled for. Especially comparing him to Janet who we all know sucks.

Janet: I’m sorry. Why do I have to be here?

Jake: To take notes, Janet. I diot.

[everyone laughs at Janet.]

Jake: Okay, so how can we stop this kind of thing from happening in the future?

Chucky: [pulls out a knife] By putting these benches in body bags?

Ego: See? That’s it right there.

Melissa: Chuck is always saying things like that.

Chloe: I also think these gender neutral bathrooms were a big mistake. Only because now I have to worry about Chucky dropping down from the ceiling and landing on my back while I’m sitting on the toilet.

Chucky: Don’t tap me with a good time.

Ego: Ooh, Chucky, stop.

Jake: Chucky, I understand that when your feelings get hurt, your first instinct is violence. For example, you’re stabbing me in the leg right now. [Chucky is actually stabbing him]

Chloe: Oh my god.

Ego: See? He doesn’t belong here.

Jake: Yes, he does. Each of us has a different story. Megan, you have a background in PR. Peggy, you were in the military. And Chucky, you did an ancient voodoo curse that when combined with a lightning strike transferred your soul to the body of adult, that’s something that no one else here can say.

Chloe: He’s not even listening.

Jake: Wow. I think we’re making progress.

Melissa: Look!

[Chucky has two bombs in his hands]

Jake: Oh my God!… Janet!  Are you eating tuna right now?

[The office explodes.]

Word Crunch

Jean Baby… Andrew Dismukes

Cara… Zoë Kravitz

Sheila… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Aristotle Athari

Chris… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the game show network. Remember how Richard Dawson would kiss entire family? Well, you do now. But first. It’s Word Crunch.

[Cut to the show set]

Jean: Hello and welcome back to Word Crunch. I’m your host, Jean Baby. Say hello to our contestants, Cara, Sheila and Dave.

Cara: Hi, there.

Sheila: Happy to be here.

Dave: Whooo!

Jean: All right. Game is simple. We’ll show you a bunch of letters and those letters, some make words. Find those words, you get points. And those points is money. Wow. Okay, sorry, folks. There’s a writer strike. So our sound engineer wrote all this herself. Thanks, Chris.

Chris: It was my pleasure. Maybe one day you’ll let me host, huh? Love you, Jean.

Jean: Alright, contestants, let’s pull up our first word crunch. Do you see a word? Just shout it out. Your time starts now.

Sheila: Ah. Oh, okay. I see “Happy”.

Jean: You got it. Five points.

Dave: I see “Cat”.

Jean: Great, three points.

Cara: I see “Momhole”.

[Wrong answer buzzer]

Jean: Sorry about that, Cara. No points. But there’s still time. Keep guessing.

Dave: Dog.

Jean: Nice three points for Dave.

Cara: Oh, I’ve got one. Momhole.

Jean: Yeah, no, again, Cara. Maybe Stop guessing momhole. Okay, we cannot accept momhole.

Cara: Why not?

Jean: That’s a few reasons. For one, it’s two words. If you can do ‘mom’ and then after that you could say ‘hole’.

Cara: But I want to connect them.

Jean: Well, you can’t. Please get something else.

Cara: Momhole.

Jean: Okay, yeah. I told you not to say that.

Cara: No, no, no. Not that one. The other one.

Jean: Why are there two?

Cara: I don’t know, Jean. This isn’t my game.

Sheila: I’ve got one. I see Apple.

Jean: That’s great, five points.

Cara: Okay, so wait. Let me get this straight. She says apple which is five points and you think that’s cool. But when I say momhole which is seven I get nothing? This isn’t fair.

Jean: Well Apple is a real thing, so…

Cara: So is momhole. You may not want to think about it but they have them. So..

Sheila: I’ve actually got another one. Pothole.

Jean: Great, that’s seven points.

Cara: Okay, sorry, but if I had said pothole that would have counted?

Jean: Yes.

Cara: Okay great. So, momhole. All right, I don’t understand. I don’t.

Jean: You know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here please.

Cara: Am I allowed to guess?

Jean: Yeah, sure. As long as it’s not momhole.

Cara: No problem. Himhole.

Jean: No.

Cara: Gay4hole?

Jean: Oh, there’s a 4 on the board.

Cara: Jacksonhole.

Jean: What?

Cara: Holefoods.

Jean: Please don’t.

Cara: Myhole. Cornhole.

Jean: Come on!

Cara: And Mmmhole.

Jean: Okay, that is not Mmmhole. It’s just three M’s and then a hole. What is Mmmhole?

Cara: You know. Mmm, like yummy. Like I’m excited for that hole.

Jean: Oh my god. Chris, what is with these word searches?

Chris: Look. It’s hard to think of this many words. I mean, you do Apple, Happy, Dog. And after that, it’s like what’s left besides Momhole?

Jean: Chris, it’s easy. I told you to just write what you know.

Chris: Oh! I thought you said write what you have. I am a mom and…

Jean: Right. Okay, we get it. All right. You guys know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here and no more hole stuff.

Dave: I don’t want to get in trouble but I do see “Porn”.

Jean: Okay, well, except that. Four points.

Cara: Okay, Momporn.

Jean: No.

Cara: What is your problem with mom?

Jean: Do you see anything else?

Sheila: Friend.

Dave: Beach.

Cara: Scissoring.

Sheila: Cloud.

Dave: Water.

Cara: Balls. Lick. Butt. Slit. Blow. Gag. Juice. Titty. Horny. Porny. And time.

Jean: Okay. I don’t care anymore. Fine. Let’s just do our last puzzle.

[All the letters are ‘B’, and in the center, there’s “Dadhole”.]

Sheila:  I see one.

Jean: Yeah, I’m sure you do.

Sheila: Is it okay if I say it?

Jean: Yeah, just say it.

Sheila: Bbb.

Jean: That’s dumb. All right. Well, this has been the pilot of Word Crunch to the network. Please do not pick us up for a whole season. Goodnight.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Porch Scene

Josh… Kate McKinnon

Cassie… Zoë Kravitz

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Josh brings Cassie’s calculator to her home]

Cassie: Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can’t believe I forgot it and study hall.

Josh: My pleasure. Yeah, well, my mother’s running late. So I’ll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

Cassie: No, Josh, wait, you can wait here. Come sit.

Josh: If you insist.

[they both sit on the couch in the porch. Cassie is comfortable but Josh is sitting awkwardly.]

Cassie: I just want to say it’s been really great being in math class with you.

Josh: Honestly, Cassie, I would have to return the sentiment.

Cassie: I love how you do impressions from the characters from Frasier.

Josh: “The Niles came quick.” I’m still working on my Raw.

Cassie: Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad your mom is late.

Josh: Glad you said?

Cassie: Yeah. [holds Josh’s hand] Really glad.

Josh: Umm, can you just excuse me for one moment because I’m getting a phone call from my Schwab agent. [pulls out his phone and calls his friend] [whispering] Yes, hello. Is my BFF Jason there? Yeah, so hold.

Jason: Hello, you have Jason.

Josh: Jason. Jason, you’re not gonna believe I’m about to tell you. I am sitting exceedingly close to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Jason: Whoa! I’m glad you called me. I’m only straight boy in my ballet class. So I’m pretty much experienced now. Okay, so tell me, what your body language?

Josh: So I am facing away from her and I’m clinging to the edge for dear life a marvelous.

Jason: And what is she doing?

Josh: Oh, please. She’s looking at me.

Jason: Okay, my friend. We find ourselves in choppy waters. We need to take her breath away. Whisper a secret in her ear and do it sensually.

Josh: Yes, please hold. [whispering in Cassie’s ear] I once got mono from a trombone.

Cassie: Wow. Thanks for telling me that. I feel like I know you better.

Josh: [back on the phone] Okay, that one shockingly well.

Jason: Oh, good noozle chap. Now. Time to impress. Tell her about a recent accomplishment.

Josh: Right oh. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, so my parents said I was actually very emotionally mature when they put down my turtle.

Cassie: Wow, at least he didn’t suffer.

Josh: He actually did. The doctor didn’t hit him in the right spot.

Cassie: That’s intense. Sounds like you were really strong.

Josh: [back on the phone] Jason, against all odds, I’m continuing to crush.

Jason: Wow, with my advice, I can’t feign surprise. But you need to find out if she’s truly available.

Josh: Yes, of course. Hold on. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, are you currently dating anyone?

Cassie: No, I’m done with Jax. I like quiet guys, or actually girls too.

Josh: [back on the phone] Consider my brand short circuited. We have a modern woman on our hands.

Jason: Good. Then let up the romance. Act like you’re in a movie and wipe an eyelash from her face.

Josh: Oh, brilliant. Stand by please. [Josh wipes Cassie’s eyes very fast] Okay, I did it.

Jason: Okay, how did it go?

Josh: I didn’t tell her that’s what I was doing, so not sure.

Cassie: It’s getting a little late. Do you mind if I put my head on your shoulder?

Josh: Yes. Shoulder shoulder available. [Cassie puts her head on Josh’s shoulder]

Cassie: I like this.

Josh: Jason things are progressing.

Jason: My good man. Okay, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Call attention to your knee so that she knows it’s there.

[Josh starts pointing on his knee]

Now, if she likes, she may touch it with her own.

[Cassie moves her leg near Josh’s]

Josh: Okay, we have contracted via the knee. We have affirmative patella on patella. Also I can feel my penis in my head.

Jason: Oh this is officially above my paygrade.

Josh: Jason, Jason, You have to stay with me. The stakes are life and death. What now?

Jason: Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor. Is it stiff or is it loose?

Josh: Okay, remain on the line please. [when Josh tries to look at Cassie’s shoulder, she faces him to kiss.] Oh dear god. She’s met my gaze. We are looking at each other and we’re becoming soulmates.

Jason: Okay, Roger, dodger, you oh codger.

Josh: I find myself afraid, not of love but of losing our friendship.

Jason: Now, shaver this my good man. This is the spice of life.

Cassie: Hey, can we kiss now?

Josh: You heard the lady. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jason: I’m gonna be an uncle!

Workplace Harrassment

Maria… Cecily Strong

Donald… Oscar Isaac

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Deborah… Aidy Bryant

Lyle… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]

Maria: All right, everybody settled?

Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?

Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.

Donald: Please settle, please settle.

Kevin: We’re settled.

Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.

Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.

Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.

Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”

Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.

Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”

Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”

Ego: Please stop saying that.

Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.

Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?

Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.

Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?

Donald: Here’s the first one.

Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”

Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.

Maria: Wrong.

Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”

Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.

Donald: Sorry, no.

Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”

Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.

Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.

Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”

Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.

Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.

Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.

Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.

Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”

Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s fine.

Ego: Actually, it’s not.

Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.

Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?

Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.

Ego: That’s also inappropriate.

Donald: Not if she is my boss.

Lyle: Also, why  all of these examples about the two of you?

Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.

Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?

Lyle: No one said that.

Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.

Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.

Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.

Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]

Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.

Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.

Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.

Maria: It could be way worse.

Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?

Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.

Ego: He has no idea what we do.

Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.

Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”

Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.

[Maria and Donald walk out] [Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]

Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?

All: Kevin!