Who Works Here?

Catherine Maeks… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Donald… Taran Killam

Debra… Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kevin… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

[Starts with ‘Who Works Here?’ intro]

Male voice: And now live from the CVS on 14th and first, it’s America’s newest game show ‘Who Works Here?’ with your host Catherine.

[Catherine walks in] [cheers and applause]

Catherine: Hello. Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Who Works Here?’ where contestants have to examine the people wandering this CVS and determine who the hell works here. Now normally, this is when we get to know our contestants but I met them back stage and I gotta say they’re unbelievably dull

[The contestants are smiling and nodding their heads]

So, let’s get started. Jessica you’re up first. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Cecily looking around in the store. She has a blue shirt and a blue hat on.]

Jessica: Hah, well she looks like an employee. [calling Cecily] Excuse me. [Cecily is pretending she can’t hear] Excuse me? [Cecily looks at Jessica angrily] Excuse me ma’am.

Cecily: Ma’am?

Jessica: Sorry. Miss, do you know what isle the hand soap is on?

[Cecily pretends as she didn’t hear her]

Okay, I’m gonna say she does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, I’m so sorry. She’s actually the Assistant Manager but she is on break. And she chooses to spend her break standing motionless in the center of CVS. Donald, you’re up. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Aidy. She is wearing the blue shirt and has a yellow patch on it. She is throwing stuffs around.]

Donald: Well, let’s see. She is actively destroying the store which seems like a bad thing for an employee to do. But she is wearing a button that says ‘Ask me for help. I work here.’ Um, I’m not buying it. She does not work here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Hey, correct. She does not work here. She’s just a local vagrant that parades around the store once a day while our security guard takes his usual 40 minute bathroom break. Nice work Donald.

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Well, I know my way around this CVS Catherine.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: What does that mean?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Just– j– It has isles.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: See? Dull. Debra, it’s your turn. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Kevin walking around in casual outfit with two gallons]

Kevin: I work here. I work here. I work here. I work here.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Well, he keeps saying ‘I work here’. I’m gonna stick with my gut and say that he does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, that was a tough one. But he actually does work here… as a prostitute. I admit that one was very tricky one. Thanks Kevin.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I don’t work here. Wheee!

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: And now, we move on to our lighting round.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: I’m sorry. Do you mean lightning?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: No. Lighting. We just flick the lights on and off a bunch and see what kind of weirdos emerge from the back of the store. And you tell us who works here. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: Okay, that guy!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Pete.]

That guy gave me my prescription at the pharmacy but somehow, I don’t think he works here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: That’s exactly right. He just showed up and started passing out drugs and no one ever questioned it. Alright, here we go, round two and go.

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Debra]

Debra: And him!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kenan. He is wearing security uniform.]

That’s the security guard. He used the bathroom for 40 minutes.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, so close. But that’s actually a security guard from Right Aid who just comes in to use our bathroom.

[As Kenan puts the magazine back on the shelf, we can see toilet tissues hanging behind him on his pants.]

And he’s putting the magazine back on the shelf. That’s great. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: Okay, her!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kate.] [Cut to Jessica]

There is no way she works here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, she is actually our Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You said that the first woman was the Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Well, everyone at CVS is at least an Assistant Manager. But interesting side note, she is dead. Died in the store 90 years ago.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You know, I saw a show about ghost once.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Wow, great story Jessica. And now, there’s only one person left. [Cut to Leslie. She’s wearing a black suit.] And maybe this will help.

[music playing] [Leslie starts dancing] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: Hmm. I guess I’m gonna say she works here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, you’re darn right she does, Donald. She’s actually a full Manager. So technically, all she is to do is dance. And you should dance too Donald because you’re our big winner.

[Cut to Donald dancing]

Donald: Oh, my god! What did I win?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. Thanks for playing.

[The End]

Weekend Update Animal Annie and Iguana

Colin Jost

Annie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: An Octopus named Inky made a daring escape from an aquarium in New Zealand and experts say Octopuses may be among the smartest animals on earth. Here with more with this is our animal fact expert, Animal Annie.

[Annie slides in]

Annie: Oh. Hi there Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi Annie. Welcome. So what can you tell us about Octopuses?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Well, here’s a fun fact. Octopuses have three hearts. Which is funny because my landlord doesn’t even have one.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Annie: And hey, [Cut to Annie] you ever wonder why flamingos are so pink? It’s because they eat so much shrimp. I guess that’s why I’m the color of a hamburger bun. And did you know that starfish don’t have any brains? Wow! I didn’t realize my ex boyfriend was a star fish. I wonder if they’re liars like him too.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What was the last part?

Annie: Oh well, did you know that when a koala is born, it’s just the size of a jelly bean. [Cut to Annie] And when I was born, I was the size of an Easter ham and then my dad left.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, hey Annie, do you have any fun facts that are more like… fun?

Annie: Oh, yeah. Oh, this one is really fun. [Cut to Annie] Cows poop up to 16 times a day. I’m like, “Only 16? Catch up, cows!”

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, are you okay?

Annie: Who are you? My doctor? [laughing] [Cut to Annie] And Che, you are gonna love this one, okay? Iguanas have two penises. But I wouldn’t know what to do with either one of them, right Daniel?

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who is Daniel?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Also, why would I like that one? I mean, I did. But how would you even know that?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Oh, and hey, did you guys know that oysters can change their gender? Meanwhile, I got cat-fished by a 14-year-old member of ISIS.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, you really seem to know your animal facts but you might want to spend some time figuring out the rest of your life.

Annie: Oh, I have Colin. Okay? I have a new boyfriend and he’s here with me tonight.

[Someone passes Annie a huge Iguana]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow.

Annie: Hi honey. [Cut to Annie] Honey, honey, honey. Oh, honey. Settle honey. [Colin Jost laughing] Oh, yes. This is Mr. Magic. Oh yeah. And a couple of fun facts about him. He is not a liar. Okay? And he never gets mad at me. The most he’ll ever do is be like [looking around]. Yeah, he’s hot. Plus, he does have two penises, right Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh yeah, that’s funny.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Animal Annie, everyone.

Annie: Iguana boyfriend!