Released Early

Terrence… Chris Redd

Sheila… Ego Nwodim

KK… Aidy Bryant

Stacy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chris looking at his selfie camera]

Terrence: Okay, looking good. Smelling good. Tell you what? [starts to workout on the couch] They should have never let your boy out in the streets though. I know that much. Coz I’m bout to hit these freaks up. See what’s popping out here. Ready, ready. So, they better be ready.

[Facetiming Sheila]

She gonna pick up. She gonna pick up. I’m gonna pick up.

[Sheila answers facetime]

What’s good, Sheila? Sheila, your boy finally free, baby.

Sheila: Terrence, is that you?

Terrence: Yeah, baby. In the flesh. You know no jail can hold me, girl. Come on, now.

Sheila: I thought you was doing 600 years.

Terrence: I was, baby. I was gonna do it. But damn, then ‘rona down here. Yo, they let me out, you. And I’m out here. I’m free. You know. Now, I get to come over there and we could 69 like we talked about, you know?

Sheila: Oh, you nasty. But I’m not going out right now. You know, after the government shutdown outside because they 5G stuff messed up and made a pandemic. So, I’ma lay low till July.

Terrence: July? Girl, you better stop playing with me. [Sheila hangs up] Hello? Hello? Dammit! She must have some bad wifi or something.

[Facetiming KK]

Um-hmm.

[KK answers]

KK: Hello?

Terrence: Hey, sweet thing.

KK: T-ready, is that you?

Terrence: Yeah, I’m free. I’m back in these streets and I’m ready to do that thing that we handled ourselves next to each other.

KK: Look, I cannot do this right now. My kids are in the other room.

Terrence: Kids? What? I’m home, girl.

KK: T, what we had when you were in jail, it stays in jail.

Terrence: Aw, but KK.

KK: No buts, okay? I only started writing you letters because I thought you were gonna rot in there for pirating that “Sopranos” DVD box set.

Terrence: Who knew they meant two to 10 per DVD, though?

KK: [to kids] Hey, coming. [to Terrence] Hey, shut up. Everything that we talked about while you were locked up, it’s a lie, okay? I’ve never had my cheeks absolutely clapped. I am not a trap queen. Okay? My name is Anne and I’m a mother and I go to church group. I don’t need this added stress right now. So, you can go ahead and lose this number. [hangs up]

Terrence: Damn. Nobody loyal, man!

[Facetiming Stacy] [Stacy picks up. She looks sick.]

Stacy: Hello?

Terrence: Stacy. Stacy. You so tasty. It’s me, Terr.

Stacy: Terr? [sneezes] I never thought I’d see your face again.

Terrence: You seeing it right now, girl. You know, I’m ready to do that thing.

[Stacy sneezes hard.]

Stacy: Terr, you looking good.

Terrence: Hey, you aite? You sick or something?

Stacy: Boy, can you just stop? It’s just allergy. Pollen is everywhere. Why don’t you, um, come over and get you some?

Terrence: Uh-uh. Uh-huh. I think I need to take this social distancing thing little bit serious, you know what I’m saying? If you still wanna get freaky, you know, maybe you can tie your phone up and spit on it while I pop off my thing over here though.

Stacy: Why are you so scary? Alright, I got to get it in some kind of way. [sneezing heavy] [Terrence hangs up]

Grocery Store Ad

Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Suzanna… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Kathy and Suzanna speaking in Bartenson’s grocery store’s ad.]

Kathy: Hi, everyone. We’re Kathy and Suzanna-Anne-Helen from Bartenson’s Grocery Store.

Suzanna: As you know, staples like chicken, milk and bread have been flying off the shelves.

Kathy: That’s why we wanted to alert you to some items that despite the pandemic, we still have an absolute abundance .

Suzanna: Items like, Frozon Hawaiian pizza.

Kathy: A little bag of dry hard beans.

Suzanna: Margarine.

Kathy: Cauliflower pasta.

Suzanna: Mint Pringles.

Kathy: Wine from Missouri.

Suzanna: Chex mix. Opps! All pretzels.

Kathy: Impossible Lobster

Suzanna: Flouride bananas.

Kathy: And of course Dasani water.

Suzanna: What’s wrong with it? It’s water.

Kathy: I don’t know. I like it.

Suzanna: Well, we may be out of certain things like, eggs and soap. Some items are extremely in stock.

Kathy: We can’t get rid of them.

Suzanna: Like oat milk pizza.

Kathy: Boy scout cookies. They’re wet.

Suzanna: Pepsi crab.

Kathy: Tomoo. It’s tofu made from beef and cheese.

Suzanna: Mario Batali pasta sauce that we’ve rebranded as fat Italian ponytail pasta sauce.

Kathy: And of course, reduced sodium Dasani water. Now with 30% less salt. We also offer grocery delivery. And our website makes substitution a snap. You asked for pasta sauce. Do you want salsa? You asked for toilet paper. Do you want a DVD of Van Helsing?

Suzanna: We’ve also got kids. So, you can get creative at home. Like, make your own barbecue kit, a 400 pound commercial hog, some barbecue sauce and a knife.

Kathy: And of course, to clean up, Dasani Clorox wipes. Kills 4000% germs.

Suzanna: At Bartenson’s, there are some things we can always guarantee. Dedication, customer service and availability of certain items that we will never not have. Like, Ukrainian Yogurt.

Kathy: Pepto Bismol Oreo.

Suzanna: Peeps soup.

Kathy: And Dasani water, now vegetarian.

Suzanna: So, consider adding these new favorites to your shopping list.

Kathy: We want to give you what you want. But first, we need you to buy what we have.

Suzanna: From your friends at Bartenson’s grocery store.

Zoom Call

Mikey Day

Brian… Alex Moffat

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mike taking a video in his house]

Mike: Hey, everybody. Hi.

[Cut to a Zoom conference call. There are six participants including Henriette, Kevin, Crystal, Brian and Nan.]

All: Hey, hello.

Mike: Welcome to Sales Corp Industry’s first Zoom call. This is how we’re going to be doing meetings now. So we wanted to get everyone acquainted with the program, with a little Zoom tutorial. On the call today, we got Brian from sales.

Brian: Oh, man. So good to see you everybody. At a safe distance that is. Ha-ha-ha.

Mike: Ha-ha. Yeah. Um, we got Crystal from market research.

Crystal: Hey. Sorry, my place is such a wreck.

Mike: Na, that’s perfect. We got Kevin from research.

Kevin: Yo, any of y’all wearing pants? Be honest now. Ha-ha. Zoom is fun.

Mike: Oh-oh. It is. It is. And of course, Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionists.

Henriette: Yeah. It is. Yes. We just work the phones normally. So, we’re gonna see.

Nan: Hah! Hello. Hello. I got an email address for this.

Mike: Um, that’s great. We’re glad to have you. You guys will be just fine. Zoom has different layouts. So, go ahead and play around with the view on your screen while we chat. Anybody up to anything fun at home?

Brian: Well, mainly like a lot of my cat looking at me like, “Um, shouldn’t you be at work?”

Crystal: Hah, I know. My dogs are so happy right now. I take them on, like, 12 walks a day.

Kevin: Does anyone else fully hate their kids? Ha-ha.

Henriette: Ha-ha-ha. [Henriette has her mouth near to camera. We can’t see her full face.] And for me it’s been reevaluating which of my mugs I think are the funnies. Ha-ha. Okay. Now this isn’t right, is it?

Nan: Yes. And I recorded my own commentary for a dog’s purpose. I think this is not right.

Mike: You just don’t need to be so close to the camera.

Henriette: Okay. Well, I’ve been calling into QVC [moving the camera around, now we can only see her legs] telling them how good of a job I think that they’re doing.

Mike: Just reset the camera.

Nan: Okay. Like this? [Wayne Brady’s picture replaces Nan’s video] Did I activate Zoom?

Mike: No. You turned it off. And it looks like your avatar is a picture of Wayne Brady? Henriette and Nan, guys, just point the camera at you and just leave it be.

[Nan and Henriette start crying]

Henriette: [sobbing] We’re sorry.

Nan: [sobbing]We’re not cut out for this.

Henriette: [sobbing]I thought this computer only did solitaire.

Nan: [sobbing]We ruined the Zoom.

Mike: No, no, no. Guys, hey, don’t cry. No one ruined the Zoom. We’re all learning here, okay? Why don’t I jus show you guys some of the other cool features it has, okay? Like, there’s virtual background. Even though you’re at home, you can change the background to a beach or wherever you’d most like to be.

[Henriette gets a picture of ‘The Good Doctor’ as her background]

Henriette: This is my beach. It’s the only file I have on my computer and it is my favorite doctor.

Mike: The poster from ‘The Good Doctor?’

Henriette: He’s a doctor but he’s different.

Mike: Okay. Yeah. You can also share your screen down here.

Nan: Oh, wow.

Mike: Either your desktop or an application.

Nan: Okay, am I doing it? I was going for desktop. What part of my screen are you seeing?

Mikey: We’re seeing a Google search that says, “Siri, is my daughter pregnant?”

Henriette: Okay. But I was wondering. [Henriette is walking in her house] If a hacker gets a hold of Zoom, what can I tell? [Henriette walks into the bathroom and puts her laptop on the floor.]

Mikey: Oh, no. [Henriette closes the bathroom door.] No, no, no, no. Please don’t bring it into the bathroom. We can see you always.

Henriette: Oh. I didn’t know.

Nan: [covering her face with her sweater] Okay, my screen is dark again. Darn it.

Mike: No. Don’t take your clothes off, Nan. No, no, no, no. Don’t take your clothes off. Oh, my god. No, don’t. Stop. Both of you. I’m sorry to do this guys. Just please stop. Please.

[Henriette starts crying on her bed]

Oh, no.

Henriette: [sobbing] I’m bad news.

Nan: [sobbing]I’m from hell.

Henriette: [sobbing]I just found out I’m supposed to tip waiters.

Nan: [sobbing]I found out that I’m wearing my shoes on the wrong feet.

Mike: Okay, Henriette, Nan, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Guys, this technology is new. You’re staying home. I’m sure you’re great at that.

Henriette: [sobbing] No, I’m not.

Nan: [sobbing] I’ve never used soap before.

Henriette: [sobbing] I used my license as toilet paper and now I don’t know my own birthday.

Mike: Okay. That’s probably enough.

Nan: [sobbing] My husband says I can only use one sheet of toilet paper, but I need three to get all the dukie out.

Henriette: [sobbing] If I can’t kiss my kids on the mouth, I’m gonna hurt an animal.

Nan: [sobbing] I tried to clean my ass in the middle of the night with the hose in the driveway and I went viral.

Mike: Okay. You know what? Let’s call it. Henriette and Nan, we don’t need you to be on any Zoom calls.

Henriette: Thank god.

Nan: Oh, wonderful. Okay.

Kevin: Hey, um, does anybody knows where I can find Nan’s hose video?

Brian: Yeah, I’ll send it to everybody.

Kevin: Thanks brother.

Mike: Oh, thank you.

Nan: Thanks, guys.

Visualizations with Aidy Bryant

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with “Visualizations with Aidy” intro]

Aidy: Take a deep breath in. Deep breath out. [Cut to Aidy meditating] [exhaling] And you know, picture yourself somewhere that calms you. Let’s start something simple. Just a blue sky with clouds. See yourself in those clouds. Now, there I am absolute sky queen. Floating light as a feather. Not a care in the world. The world is your oyster. You can go anywhere. You can go underwater with some jellyfish. Think of something that makes you feel free. Maybe for me, that’s like, a big beautiful galloping chestnut horse. [Cut to Aidy looking at a horse] Oh, that’s sort of like, a digital horse. But that’s okay. Maybe you know what? Center and find a different animal. [The hose goes away. A big snake appears.] [bleep] No, no.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Okay, okay. That’s okay. We can reset. Right? It’s easy to reset. Another deep breath and let’s think about love. [Cut to a man and a woman touching each other in bed] Think about passion. Sex. Um, yeah. Oh, look at these two. They don’t exactly seem to be hot and heavy. Feels like more like they got a direction that they weren’t allowed to kiss. Now, that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my damn life.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Maybe something more fun. A little bit of a fantasy. Close your eyes. See yourself strutting on a red carpet. You know? And I’ve been on a carpet or two in my day. And usually when I get out there, I think, “What is this all for and what is the meaning of life? Why have I brought myself here?” Now I’m sad that I care so much about this. For me, it’s sometimes easy to think about things one at a time. So, smiles. Simple. [There are smiling emojis all over Aidy.] And smiles now. How about hotdogs? [There’s a huge hotdog behind Aidy] Yeah, summertime hotdog. What about World War I? No. Sorry. I’m sorry. How about warm fresh bread with butter? [There are breads behind Aidy] Ummm. How about dancing? [There’s a Zumba class going on behind Aidy] Yes. You and your best friends who are all senior women are dancing in this rec center. Go, girl.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Let’s go now and let’s think about maybe the things that we miss. Like, going to the movies. I miss that. Or, what about my favorite thing when you surprise an old person you barely know with a kiss and a hug? When will we get to do that again? Or how about this putting on your fedora and going to Ferris Wheel concert with your best girlfriend? And you know, I’m feeling better and I hope that you are too. And if this doesn’t work for you, then I wanna recommend eating an entire quesadilla and a bag of chocolate chips. Good luck, you guys. Stay safe.

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

Salad

Nadine… Aidy Bryant

Daniel Craig

[Starts with Nadine preparing her salad at night.]

Nadine: Shh, shh, shh.

[music playing] [singing] My family’s on the sleep
So I won’t make a peep
I’ll cook all night my most delicious recipe

I still have quite a surprise
In the morning when they rise
They’ll take a big bite
of my overnight salad

It’s not easy to make
Lots of ingredients it takes
But it’s worth it to serve
my overnight salad

Take a little bit o’ lettuce
Sprinkle in some cheese
A little scoche of lemon
And a gallon of mayo

So many raisins
An insane amount o’ pepper
Now you’re makin’ a salad

54 hot dogs
Look who’s back, it’s mayo
Don’t skimp on the Fritos
and root beer

The croutons are cookies
Add the pizza top, of course
Then I let it sit all night
on the radiator

In the morning when they rise
My daughters’ eyes fill with pride
When they take a big bite
of my overnight salad

The ultimate prize
My husband, king of the guys
When he chomps into a slice
of my overnight salad
It’s all over their face
My family loves the taste

[her family takes seat for breakfast. They all take a bite of her salad.] [music stops]

Daniel: Oh my God, Nadine, this tastes like [bleep]! [her daughter pukes] What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you were gonna make a salad!
Nadine: It’s my overnight salad.

Daniel: Mayonnaise and lettuce left out all night? [angrily standing] You need help, Nadine!

Daughter: Mommy, Baxter’s not moving.

[her dog is laying on the couch sick]

Nadine: I gave him a bite of my overnight salad.

Daniel: Are you happy, Nadine. You killed the f—– dog! Are you stupid? Your brain is sick!

Nadine: Maybe it just needs a big scoop of mayo.

[Daniel spits out a coin]

Daniel: There’s a quarter in my salad! Why?

[music playing]

Nadine: [singing] Well, the quarter is the thing…

[music stops]

Daniel: Nadine, Nadine, no, no, no. Just stop! Come on, girls. Let’s go. Come on.

Nadine: Well, I guess I’m gonna have to eat this whole thing myself. Doo dee doo dee doo overnight salad.

[Cut to Nadine’s tomb.] [The End]

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.] [cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way

then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.] [Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer

Daytime Show

Deirdre… Aidy Bryant

Cookie… Ego Nwodim

Clyde… Daniel Craig

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “The Deirdre Show” intro] [Cut to Deirdre]

Deirdre: Welcome back to “The Deidre Show.” My guest co-host today is a legendary diva of song. She’s got dozens of hit records like, “Oh, that man,” and “Let me tell you ’bout Christmas.” And she is back in the news because she hit a train with a car. Please welcome Cookie La Flute.

[Cookie walks in] [cheers and applause]

Cookie: Hello, Deirdre.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, we are so glad to have you back. Isn’t that right, audience?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yes.

Heidi: We love you, Cookie.

Kenan: Go, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Cookie: Oh, thank you. You know, it’s like I always say, “Where am I, who are you, the pleasure’s all your’s.”

Deirdre: Wonderful. Well, as you know, this week is finger week on our show. And today, we’re gonna make some finger food. Sound good, Cookie?

Cookie: Oh, I’m starving. Let’s get to it.

Deirdre: Okay. Well, joining us today is a celebrity chef from London who’s gonna teach us how to make American appetizers. So, please welcome Chef Clyde.

[Chef Clyde is ready on his cooking table] [cheers and applause]

Clyde: Hello. Hello.

[Deirdre and Cookie walk to Clyde]

Cookie: Hello.

Clyde: I hope you’re hungry, but only a little coz today it’s all about hors d’oeuvres.

Cookie: Okay, now. That is French.

Deirdre: Yes, for hors d’oeuvres.

Clyde: That’s right. I’ve got tons of them in my new cookbook, “The Hungry Divorcee.” Now, we’re starting off with one of my favorites which is these little mini quiche here.

[Clyde gives them a tray of quiches.]

Deirdre: Okay. These are so cute. Thank you.

Cookie: Ooh, I’ma eat this in one bite.

Clyde: Well, don’t eat the foil.

Cookie: [thinks for long] What?

Clyde: The aluminum foil on the– It just– Just don’t eat the foil. That’s–

Cookie: I don’t wanna eat the foil.

Clyde: Alright. That’s gonna make you choke.

Cookie: Don’t eat the foil? Who is this man?

Clyde: Ha-ha. So, the next thing I wanna talk about is guacamole.

Cookie: Look at this man. Look at this man. “Don’t eat the foil.” Are you all seeing this over here?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Yeah Cookie, we see it.

Kenan: Get him, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Clyde: You know what Ms. La Flute, I’m sorry about the foil. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I just didn’t want you to scratch your mouth, you know? You need it for singing, don’t you?

Cookie: I don’t eat foil. I don’t eat foil.

Deirdre: Okay, Chef Clyde, how about we slide on down to the next food?

Clyde: Yes. Cookie, I think you’re gonna love my pigs in a blanket.

Cookie: You know, I love pigs. And you know, I love me some blankets.

Clyde: Okay, great. So, that’s so easy to throw together–

Cookie: You know, I can’t get over this foil thing.

Clyde: Well, Cookie, I mean, you like mustard–

Cookie: “Don’t eat the foil.” Legends don’t eat foil, boo. What do I look like? Huh? What do I look like? Y’all, do I look like Bobo the Clown?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: No, Cookie, you look hot.

Kenan: Kill him!

Deirdre: Okay. Chef Clyde, how about another food?

Clyde: Oh, good idea. Good idea. So, if you like eggs at room temperature, you’re gonna love these. Deviled eggs.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, let’s try one.

Cookie: Okay, sure. But sir, aren’t you scared?

Clyde: Scared of what?

Cookie: Aren’t you scared that I’m gonna eat the spoon? Tell me not to eat the spoon as if I’m not a famous singer. Pissing me off!

Clyde: I don’t think you’re gonna eat the spoon.

Cookie: You know your little foods. I’ve been famous for over 25 years. I eat big foods.

Clyde: I’m sure you eat very big foods.

Cookie: You know, once a year in November, I cook a big turkey and I invite over people I love have some. That’s how good I can sing.

Deirdre: And that sounds like Thanksgiving.

Clyde: Okay, well, before my time runs out, I just want to shout out to–

Cookie: You know, don’t nobody want your foil, okay? Tiny man with tiny food who can’t even sing. Give your guests a steak, you queer!

Deirdre: Oh! No, Cookie, no.

Cookie: I can say it. Please, I can say it. My husband is gay.

Deirdre: Okay. Okay. We’re gonna have to wrap this up. Audience, did we lose you?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Absolutely not.

Kenan: We love this.

Cookie: You know what? I wanna get the whole taste of this thing out of my mouth. [Clyde pulls out a gum] All your food looks disgusting.

[Clyde eats a whole stick of gum with the foil paper.]

Clyde: Oh, you–

Deirdre: Did you–

Cookie: Why y’all looking at me like that? It’s just a gum. You know, shiny, tastes like coins, sparks when you chew it.

Deirdre: Okay, well that’s our show. Bye-bye.

Accent Coach

Bowen Yang

Daniel Craig

Ryan Johnson… Mikey Day

Margie… Ego Nwodim

Pam… Aidy Bryant

Frankie… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bowen informing Daniel Craig’s arrival to the directors.]

Bowen: Excuse me, Mr. Johnson. Daniel Craig is here for his session.

Ryan: Terrific. Send him in.

Bowen: Daniel, are you ready?

[Daniel Craig walks in]

Daniel: Alright, thank you so much. Hi, guys. How’s it going?

Ryan: There he is, the future detective Benoit Blank. You remember Margie and Pam. Our casting directors.

Daniel: Hi, how are you?

Pam: Hey, Daniel. We are so happy your’e joining the Knives Out family.

Margie: Yeah. We really scored with this whole cast.

Daniel: Yeah. I just can’t wait to start shooting.

Ryan: Great! Well, today we want to just focus on developing your character.

Pam: Yeah. Now, as you know, Detective Blank is a genteel souther sleuth. So, if possible, we’d like you to do a southern accent.

Daniel: Yeah. No problem. I’ve been recently working with this great accent coach. So, if it’s cool, can I bring him in real quick? [the directors nod their heads yes] Hey, Frankie. Let’s go. Come on, let’s go.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Knock, knock. Ha-ha. Hello. I’m Franklin Huse. Daniel’s accent coach. I have to say, you are so lucky to be working with Dan. He’s a real pro.

Daniel: Oh, come on! You wanna talk about pro? Frankie here is a magician with dialects and accents.

Frankie: Sir, I blush. So, what are we cooking today again?

Ryan: Um, yeah. We just want Dan here to do a southern accent.

Frankie: Ah! My specialty. I’m a master of souther dialects. Is there a certain province you have in mind?

Margie: I guess we default to you.

Pam: Yeah. Whatever you think is in Dan’s range.

Frankie: Hmm… Well, why don’t we start with Ozarks of Arkansas? A banjo tinkies in the distance. As our study gentleman detective calls out- [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Hrrrr-boy! The moon churns are burning over. So, I’m about to go and eat a pig’s food and shoot my sister with a gun. Durr-durr.” Something like that maybe is what you’re looking for? That could be fun.

Ryan: Um, no. I think we want something maybe a little more shuttle.

Margie: Yeah. I mean, my husband’s from Arkansas and he doesn’t talk like that.

Frankie: Ah! Okay. Well, why don’t we take a little trip down to… [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] Alabama? [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Oh, they got some good turtles down there. Whoo, lord! You better get me a fan because this is hot. My butt is hot. Oh, lord! My butt is hot.” Does that work for you, Dan?

Daniel: Oh, yes. I think I like that. He can be like, [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Oh, lord. The big one [unintelligible] is so damn hot.”

Frankie: Dan, yes. That’s incredible. Yes, yes.

Daniel: Yes. What do you think, Ryan? Should we go with that?

Ryan: No. Um, yeah. I don’t think so.

Pam: Yeah. I’m sorry. Mr. Huse, where did you say you were from?

Frankie: Maryland.

Margie: And have you ever been to the south?

Frankie: No. But I have studied the region. Mainly through cartoons, Yosemite Sam, Fog Horn Leg Horn.

Ryan: Yeah. I’m sorry Mr. Huse, I think we’d just rather work with someone a little more knowledgeable.

Daniel: Oh, come on, Ryan. Cone on, you just give him a chance. Maybe, you know, we just haven’t found it yet.

Frankie: Yes. Like, maybe he’s a detective from [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] Georgia where their butt is so hot. “Boy my [unintelligible] big old butt is wet and hot.”

Daniel: I really like that one. Could you teach me that? Is that something you can do?

Frankie: Oh, yes. So, what you have to do is open your jaw and have a real loose like this here. Open it up with this exercise. [Frankie starts moving his jaw and making noise. Daniel is trying to copy him.]

Daniel: [moving his jaw] My butt is so hot.

Pam: Okay. I’m sorry. What’s with all of this hot butt talk?

Frankie: Well, that’s what they sound like. Remember, it’s very hot in in the south.

Daniel: Yeah. Everybody’s butt is hot in the south.

Frankie: I mean, my butt gets hot up north. Just imagine hot it would be down south.

Daniel: You’d steam your jeans.

Frankie: Exactly, Daniel.

Ryan: Um, let’s just read some lines and let Daniel find the voice himself.

Margie: And Frank, would you mind reading for Marta, the South American nurse?

Frankie: Oh, I see. She’s from the south, in America. Got it.

Ryan: Alright. Let’s do this. And action.

Daniel: [reading the script] Now, with much analysis of the facts, I’ve come to the conclusion as the perpetrator of this murder.

Frankie: [screaming funnily with accent] Well, now I say Mr. Blank. I don’t know damn dead about what happened to that man that died. [stops the accent] And I’m sorry. What does it say here?

Daniel: That’s says, “Marta pukes.”

Frankie: Okay. [while making puking sound, Frankie literally pukes.]

Pam: Oh, my god.

Margie: Jesus Christ!

Ryan: Come on, dude!

Frankie: What? It says in the script, Marta pukes.

Ryan: You can just puke on command?

Frankie: Of course, I can. I’m an actor. Daniel, can’t you?

Daniel: Yes, of course. [Daniel pukes too]

Margie: Oh, damn!

Pam: Come on, guys.

Ryan: How are you doing that?

Daniel and Frankie: Come on, we’re actors!

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]