Tag: Airlines

Southwest Airlines Announcement

Male voice: At Southwest Airlines, we pride ourselves on a smooth flying experience.

Heidi: But over the holiday season, we messed up. Our system collapsed and thousands of fliers were left stranded. And you understandably screamed at us for days on end, even more than you usually do.

Michael: And sure, we lost $800 million in revenue and are being investigated by the FAA.

Devon: Which is why this year we are dedicated to making things right with a better more modern Southwest experience.

Heidi: For starters, we are finally upgrading our entire communication system to 2008 Dell computers.

Devon: That’s right. We are saying bye-bye to those 2002 IBM ThinkPad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle.

Heidi: Also, no more missing baggage at baggage claim. Guaranteed.

Marcello: From here on out, all luggage will be sorted by color.

Mike: That makes it your responsibility, not ours.

Marcello: So if you’re going to Dallas, bring a red suitcase.

Mike: Don’t show up with a blue bag. Blue bags, go to Charlotte.

Michael: And make sure to get to the airport early to enjoy our new Southwest premier lounge located inside an active Starbucks. We just get there early and hold down two or three tables for y’all.

Devon: Southwest is also modernizing our entire air traffic control network.

Heidi: No more pen and paper. Our air traffic specialists will now be using our old IBM ThinkPad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle.

James: Now I get a proper flight schedule instead of finding out where I’m going 15 minutes before takeoff.

Punkie: And now, we’ve streamlining check in by not having one at all.

Andrew: We’re just trying to fill up the plane and go.

Punkie: “You showed your ticket at security, right? You’re good.”

Michael: We’re also upgrading our in flight staff strictly with people who used to work at Waffle House. So come at them if you want. These big bitches don’t play.

Heidi: Here at Southwest, mistakes you made, that’s on us. Mostly. Some of it’s on you.

Devon: Hey, man, let’s keep it real. You bought the ticket.

Heidi: Again, you bought a Southwest ticket. You obviously don’t respect yourself, so why should we?

Punkie: Thank you.

Michael: Thank you.

Heidi: Thank you.

All: For flying Southwest.

James: Welcome aboard. [the pilot opens his Aviators. He doesn’t have one eye.]

Male voice: Southwest Airlines. If it’s that important to you, just walk.

Weekend Update on American Airlines’ Racial Bias

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of American Airlines logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CEO of American Airlines met with the head of the NAACP over allegation has the airline is racially biased. And I bet they both showed up late. It’s okay for me to make that joke because I’m racist. [audience laughing] You know, of all the stereotypes about black people, I have never heard that we are bad on planes. Now, if you said the NAACP had a meeting with the CEO of Lowe’s movie theaters, yeah, that tracks. But black people are awesome on planes. We always have our headphones. We always wear socks. We never talk to strangers unless we are telling you to shut that baby up. The real people you need to worry about on planes are white women named Gail who claps when plane lands.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of MTV Floribama Shore logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: MTV has launced a spin-off of it’s hit ‘Jersey Shore’ series set on the coast of Alabama and Florida called ‘Floribama Shore’, where the cast members can contract Gonnormidia.

[Picture changes to a Halloween candy basket.]

A mom in Wisconsin told police that she found a pack of meth in her child’s halloween candy right after police asked her why she was raking the leaves naked at midnight.