American Ninja Warrior

Matt Iseman… Beck Bennett

Akbar Gbajabiamila… Drake

Jeff Metcalf… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with American Ninja Warrior intro] [Cut to Matt and Akbar on stage]

Matt: Welcome back to American Ninja Warrior. We just saw high school teacher, Sam Wilkins, complete the course in 2 minutes and 38 seconds.

Akbar: That’s the time to beat tonight. He breeze through the quintuple step, murdered the log roll, flew right up a warp wall and then conquer the salmon ladder.

Matt: You know it. Coming up next is competitor with the very moving story.

[Cut to intro video of Jeff]

Jeff: Hi, I’m Jeff Metcalf. I’m 4Akbar years old and I’m from the beautiful town of Beasley, Texas. Well, it used to be beautiful before the tornado. It leveled everything. Lots of good people lost their homes and that’s when I decided I had to do something. I had to give back. So I use the scraps of wood from what used to be my house to build an obstacle course and what used to be my garage. I just wanted to show the good people easily that even when the chips are down, if you work hard and you put your mind to it, anything is possible.

[Cut to Matt, Akbar and Jeff]

Akbar: Wow. Jeff, you’ve been through a lot.

Jeff: This isn’t about me. I’m doing it for the people that Beasley.

Matt: And I see some of your friends and neighbors are here tonight to cheer you on.

Jeff: Yeah, there they are. There’s my peeps! [waving hand] Hey guys!

[Jeff’s people cheering for him.]

Matt: Okay Jeff, are you ready?

Jeff: I am no longer Jeff Metcalf. I am Captain Tornado. [Jeff puts on his super hero mask] And I’m doing this from my town.

Akbar: Okay. Captain Tornado, go get him. As a reminder and he’ll have to beat Sam’s time for the qualifying round.

Matt: That’s right. How have you been by the way?

Akbar: I’m depressed. No reason really.

Matt: Well, you hide it great. Let’s see if captain tornado will be our next American Ninja Warrior. [Time starts] And he’s off. [Jeff falls into the water in his first jump] and it’s over for Captain Tornado.

Akbar: That was not a good outing for Jeff.

Matt: Let’s take a look at the slow-mo. He completely miss judged where the first mat was.

Akbar: It was almost as if there was absolutely no communication between his brain and his body.

Matt: Now let’s take a look at the reaction of his fans. If you watch closely, you can see the hosts slowly draining from their faces.

Akbar: I mean, any respect that they had for Jeffhas now completely vanished and that’s got to suck for them. They put their eggs in the wrong basket.

Matt: Absolutely. [Jeff walks in] All right Jeff. So, what do you think happened out there?

Jeff: I did bad. I fell down.

Matt: You sure did.

Akbar: But Jeff, because we were so moved by your story, we have a little surprise for you. We decided to give you a special American Ninja do-over.

Jeff: Really?

Matt: That’s right. So use what you learned on your first run and apply it to this one.

Jeff: I will. I won’t let you down on this time. I’m going to do it for Beasley.

Matt: And he is focusing up.

Akbar: Look at the intensity on his face.

Matt: He’s not going to let this rare second chance slip away.

[as time starts, Jeff jumps on the first mat, slips and falls into the water again.]

Oh, he flew again.

Akbar: It’s almost as if his heart is in the right place but his body is absolute junk.

Matt: Maybe naming yourself after the thing that destroyed your town wasn’t the best choice.

Akbar: Well, let’s look at the slow-mo. I expected him to look a little more disappointed. I mean, he almost looks happy.

Matt: I hate to see it, but I think that’s an IP face. And here he comes grappling up the stage. [Jeff walks in] Jeff, how did that feel?

Jeff: Not good.

Matt: Are you embarrassed?

Jeff: Do over. I was not ready. My shoes were wet. And I think that thing’s broken.

Akbar: No, Jeff, unfortunately we don’t have time. I’m sorry.

Jeff: I have to do this for my peeps, please.

Matt: Oh, they’re long gone, Jeff. They’re outta here. Take a look.

Jeff: I don’t care. I got to do this. I’m doing this for Beasley.

[Jeff just runs and tries to go through the track again. But then, he falls in his first step again.]

Matt: Wow. He just tried to run across the water.

Akbar: What a do. And just a reminder, he did this for his town.

Matt: He lost his dignity, and he also lost pants.

[Jeff comes out of the water without pants.]

Akbar: That tornado destroyed their home that this tornado destroyed their spirit and showed its penis. We’ll be right back with more American Ninja Warrior.

[The End]