Weekend Update_ Cathy Anne on Al Franken

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Catny Anne in his set]

Michael Che: Sexual harassment allegations continue to rock congress with more expected to come. Here to talk about this is a woman who is always screaming outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Catny Anne slides in] [cheers and applause]

Catny Anne: Hey. Hey. Michael Che. Whoo! Today must be my lucky day.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah? And why is that, Cathy Anne?

Catny Anne: Coz I get to see you and I just came back from the dead.

Michael Che: What? You were actually dead?

Catny Anne: Yeah. Yeah. For 18 minutes. And then I came back for five and dead again for another 21. I met Dirts Michael. He told me to “Please leave him alone.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you’re okay now. So, what do you think about Al Franken resignation?

Catny Anne: You know what? I’m not sure what to think, okay? It’s a confusing time to be a woman. And a drug addict. And a very heavy drinker. It’s really hard coz I like Al Franco (Al Franken). You know? But I guess it’s true what they say. “Don’t meet your heroes.”  It’s kind of like when I met that Tacobell Chihuahua and he tried to bite me in my freaking vagina.

Michael Che: Wow!

Catny Anne: Oh! How is that a wow? Come on. Look. Look. I saw Al Franco’s speech, okay? Here’s what I do know. Why are you gonna resign if you ain’t gonna apologize? And if you ain’t got nothing to apologize for, then why the hell are you resigning? Okay? I didn’t resign from Waffle house coz I wasn’t stealing syrup. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Well, I think he resigned coz the democrats wanted to show that they are a party that takes a stand against sexual harassment.

Catny Anne: Who they trying to show? What? The voters in Alabama? Right! Yeah! Coz if everyone in Alabama just been on the edge of their seats. Wondering what Christian Jellybeans is gonna do about Al Franco.

Michael Che: You seem to know a lot about this stuff.

Catny Anne: Well, I’m kind of a political junkie. And a regular junkie. Right? The point is, the voters in Alabama don’t give a flying foot about Al Franco.

Michael Che: A flying foot?

Catny Anne: Um, you know, when you step in a bear trap and you try to shake it off too hard and your foot goes flying.

Michael Che: Nah, I don’t know about that.

Catny Anne: Oh, well, aren’t you fancy?

Michael Che: Well, Doug Jones seems close to Roy Moore on the polls.

Catny Anne: Oh, oh! Is he doing okay in the polls? Is he? Come on! People lie. Come one! Who wants to admit supporting Roy Moore to a stranger calling him on the phone? Oh, what? Who? Me? Yeah, I’m gonna support paedophile who likes slavery. Come on! That will be like if you call me and you ask, “Hey, Cathy Anne, are you planning on smoking crack again?” And I’ll be like, “How dare you? You have offended my censor-bility (sensibility).” Cut to me in that secret voting booth huffing on hot lot bob high as hell going “Doug, who?” Damn right, they’ll vote for Roy Moore. He gonna win in a land side and I’ll pretend like it just happened over night and I had nothing to do with it, right? Like, crop circles or clogged toilet.

Michael Che: Wait, Cathy Anne. Does this mean that you clogged my toilet again?

Catny Anne: Huh, Michael Che! You have offended my censor-bility.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Catny Anne: [Catny Anne showing an engagement ring on her finger] No, Cathy Anne Che! Tell them eloped.

Michael Che: We eloped. We eloped.

Catny Anne: We’re married.

Weekend Update on Senator Al Franken

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of thanksgiving turkey at left top corner.]

Thursday is thanksgiving and there is so much to be thankful for this year. Unless you are a human woman. [Picture changes to Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, Louis C. K, Al Franken and Roy Moore] [Picture changes to Al Franken and Leeann Tweeden when she was a kid.]

Senator Al Franken is being accused  of sexual misconduct on a 2006 USO tour by Leeann Tweeden who posted this photo of Franken apparently groping her breasts while she was asleep. Now, I looked this photo. I know this photo looks bad. But remember, it also is bad. And sure, this was taken before Franken ran for public office, but it was also taken after he was a sophomore in high school. It’s pretty hard to be like, “Oh, come on. He didn’t know any better. He was only 55.

[Picture changes to Tweeden]

Tweened is also claiming that Franken has forced her to kiss him as a part of a rehearsal for a comedy sketch they were performing for the troops. Come on, man. Didn’t the troops in Afghanistan have it hard enough without having to sit through sketch comedy? I mean, people can barely stay up to watch sketches after Weekend Update.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And without even looking, you can bet that president Trump called out Franken and not Roy Moore who is accused of way worse by the way. But Franken is a liberal and Trump in more conservatives. And in this country, everybody has to pick a side except for me. I think they are all bitches. I don’t even know what side I would be on if I had to pick. I mean, maybe I’m a liberal because I live in a gay neighborhood. But then, maybe I’m conservative, because I’ll never want to live in a black neighborhood again. Also, why are republicans trying so hard to protect Roy Moore from this case? It’s not like he wrote the remix to Ignition. [Picture changes to R. Kelly] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeremy Piven at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: More than a dozen women have now accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than 30 years. The allegations were revealed int hte shocking documentary “Entourage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of House of Republicans at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, house of republicans passed a tax reform bill. Republicans claim the bill cuts taxes for everyone, from multibillionaires all the way down to regular old millionaires. Like, Colin. The bill relies heavily on trickle down economics, but don’t worry, it’s only called a trickle. You’re actually getting hosed. How do poor people keep getting catfished into voting republicans? It’s like watching Forest Gump keep getting ditched by Jenny over and over again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Paul Ryan also said the tax plan will increase take-home pay, grow the economy and sustain long-term opportunities. Increase, grow and sustain. Where have I seen those words before? Oh, I know, on those sex pills at the Deli counter. We already tried this tax plan in the 80s and it didn’t work. Just like I tried those sex pills at the Deli and now I have to wear fake eyebrows.

Weekend Update- Al Franken and Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Al Franken… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Minnesota senator Al Franken has accused Attorney General Jeff Sessions of having pressured him and perjured himself during senate testimony in response to a question Franken himself asked. Here with a follow up Q&A are senator Franken and Attorney General Sessoins.

[Al Franken and Jeff Sessions slide in]

Jeff Sessions: Well, hello there. Hello.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. It’s really great to see you guys.

Jeff Sessions: Well, it’s so great to be here. And it’s always a pleasure to see you, Al.

Al Franken: Yeah, Jeff, the pleasure is mine. This ordeal has been fun for everyone.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m actually surprised to see the two of you here together.

[Cut to Al Franken and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, people don’t realize this, but Al and I are actually great friends.

Al Franken: That’s overstating.

Jeff Sessions: You know, I once took Al Whitewater rafting on the Chattahoochee river and Al showed up Jew stuff.

Al Franken: We had lunch at a Deli, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Exactly. He taught me how to say “Schmear.” Schmear! I’d never seen balls in a soup before. Yeah.

Al Franken: They were Matzah balls, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know me. No questions asked. Right? And speaking of questions, it is true you caught old Br’er Sessions in the liar patch again? And I’m powerful. Sorry, my friends. So, may I correct the record?

Al Franken: Okay. Can you place your hand on the bible, please?

Jeff Sessions: Of course. [Jeff Sessions pulls out a plastic hand and puts it on the bible] Let’s rodeo, partner.

Al Franken: Oh! Mr. Sessions, it appears you’ve placed a halloween-typed prop in place of your actual hand.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you did not specify my biological hand, senator Franken. This is my orphan hand. I’m a danger to the country.

Al Franken: Well, could you please place your normal human hand on the bible?

Jeff Sessions: Ooh, you are a tricky raccoon, senator. Alright, you got me there. But then again, I’m just a simple country liar.

Al Franken: Um, are you saying ‘lawyer’ or ‘liar’?

Jeff Sessions: What’s that? I’m sorry. These ears are just decorative.

Al Franken: Okay. Put her there.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Alright.

Al Franken: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

Jeff Sessions: Alababy.

Al Franken: Excuse me?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s an Alabama maybe.

Al Franken: Oh my god.

Jeff Sessions: Or a baby dressed up like Aladdin. Not that he’d be ‘Aladdin’ (allowed in) the country.

Al Franken: Unbelievable.

Jeff Sessions: It’s a travel ban and I helped.

Al Franken: Mr. Sessions, why do you deny meeting with Russian officials when you had met with the Russian ambassador twice?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, I was all distracted. I was trying to evade these dastardly accusations of being a racist, which I am not. But where I live, racism is simply part of the landscape.

Al Franken: And where do you live?

Jeff Sessions: The 1950s.

Al Franken: I cannot believe you were confirmed.

Jeff Sessions: Me neither. What can I say? I might talk cute, but I am very scary.

[Cut to Al Franken, Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Al Franken and Jeff Sessions, everyone.