Sarah Sherman

Alan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Sarah and Alan talking]

Sarah: And that’s why he didn’t go to grad school. Amazing.

Alan: You know, had a great time tonight.

Sarah: Me too. We’ve had three incredible dates.

Alan: Yeah, definitely. Hey, can I ask you something?

Sarah: Anything?

Alan: What do you always wear that green ribbon around your neck?

Sarah: [nervous] What do you mean?

Alan: I’ve just never seen you without it. Why don’t you take it off?

Sarah: I hoped you wouldn’t notice. Look, Alan, I’ll show you but please don’t let it affect the way you see me.

Alan: Of course.

Sarah: All right, here we go.

[Sarah opens takes off the ribbon from her neck. There’s a huge ball of meat hanging on her neck. The ball is singing]

There. Now you know. There’s a little meatball guy on the side of my neck and every time I take the green ribbon off and expose him to light, he wakes up and sings his little songs. Does that clear things up for you?

Alan: Totally. 100%.

Sarah: Now, where were we? [leaning to kiss]

Alan: Just one question. Is that little tiny hands sticking off the top of your shirt?

Sarah: Urgh. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. [Sarah opens the button of her shirt. There’s another ball of meat on her chest singing.] And to answer your question, yes, they harmonize and sing together in time.

[The two balls start singing together]

Then there’s these guys.

[She has two more on her arm]

And  this one kind of munches on a block of cheese.

[There’s another one on her shoulder holding a piece of cheese]

And this one just kind of spits up.

[There’s another one on her stomach that’s vomiting.]

And the Big Daddy brings it all together.

[There’s another one on her thigh singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
singing our little meatball song
We are little meatball men
join us please and sing along

Alan: Okay. Yeah, I think I get it. You can go ahead and cover them now

Sarah: Oh, no, no. Once they get on a roll like this, it’s better to just keep on going until they get tuckered out.

[The balls are singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
made of balls of body meat

we are little meatball men
snacking on our cubes of cheese

my name is chunky

and my name is Poppolim

my name is Joby

my name is Jim

Alan: Have you ever talked to a doctor about getting them removed?

Sarah: No, it’s not necessary. After a few years, they just dry up and fall off into the toilet.

Meatball: Hey, buddy, I’m hungry. Give me some on cheese.

[The vomiting meatball vomits on Alan’s shirt]

Alan: Oh, gross.

Sarah: Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s not poisonous or anything. It’ll just stain your clothes. And it is poisonous.

Alan: Okay, look. Sam, I think we’re moving too fast.

Meatball: Oh no, here he comes.

Meatball: Oh, this is so awkward. I can’t bear to watch.

Sarah: Are you serious? You’re dumping me? Just coming out of nowhere. I mean, I suppose if I had to guess, I’d say it had maybe something to do with the meatball?

Alan: No. No. [pausing] Oh yeah, it’s the meatballs.

Sarah: Wow. [sobbing]

Alan: Hey, I’m sorry. Is that a piano in your armpit?

[Sarah shows her armpit. Charli XCX is singing there]

Charli XCX: Don’t give up on love just because of some meatballs
Don’t give up on this girl because she’s got a little meatballs
Someday you’ll realize, that in the end
true love will always win

Meatball: And I’m Jim

Alan: You know what? The meatballs are right. I wanna make it work.

Sarah: Really?

Meatballs: We finally got a boyfriend! Yay!

[They kiss. Alan immediately starts to choke]

Alan: What the hell?
Sarah: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. They’re extremely contagious.

Alan: [screaming] No!

911 Call

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Alan… Simu Liu

Helen… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[phone ringing]

Ego: 911. What’s your emergency?

Mikey: Oh, yes. Hi. I think I might be dead.

Ego: You think you’re dead? Sir?

Mikey: Yes. I’m at a Friendsgiving party and I smoked some marijuana. And I ODed. And now I’m dying or I believe myself to be dead. So, can you send the hospital to here please?

Ego: Okay, sir. You cannot OD on marijuana.

Mikey: No, but I did because when I breathe, the air goes down into my stomach like food, not like breathing air. So, I believe I’m dying. Will I be like this forever, ma’am.

Cecily: Jesus Christ, Arthur. Who did you call? Hello.

Ego: Hello ma’am. This is 911 Emergency Services.

Cecily: Oh! I am so sorry, miss. Myself and some other professors from Crembly college are having a little get together. And we smoked a joint one of my grad students gave me.

Mikey: You tell her I’m dead?

Cecily: We’re fine. Just some nerdy lit professors who can’t handle their weed. Okay, goodnight huh.

Ego: Good night, ma’am. [phone ringing] 911, What’s your emergency?

Alan: Hello. My name is Alan and I am dead.

Ego: Now, sir, are you at the same Friendsgiving get together with the gentlemen who just called?

Alan: Oh, yes, yes. You must come here, but I’m not where time is. Will, you still be able to come here even though I’m not where time is.

Ego: Well, sir, I promise you you’re fine and you are where time is. Have you ever smoked marijuana before?

Alan: Yes. Once at Counting Crows concert in 1992.

Ego: Okay. So, the weed of today is much stronger. And that’s why you’re having this reaction.

Alan: Oh, are you mad at me?

Ego: No, sir. Is there someone who’s more mellow that I can speak to?

Alan: Oh, yes. Yes. My wife Helen’s right here.

Helen: Yes.

Ego: Is this Alan’s wife?

Helen: Well, I was but I’m dead now.

Ego: Great. Okay, you too.

Helen: Does everyone know we’re high? Do people know?

Ego: I do.

Helen: Oh my god. You guys. Everyone knows. [hangs up the phone]

Ego: Old people gotta stop smoking weed. [phone ringing] Hello, 911. What’s your emergency?

Alan: Yes. Are you still mad at me?

Ego: I never was sir.

Alan: Okay, well, could you please send the hospital to here please?

Ego: Sir, I’ve never done this in my 10 years as a 911 operator, but I’m hanging up on you. Goodnight. [phone ringing] Yes.

[Kenan is speaking from under the table]

Kenan: Yes. Hello, is this 911?

Ego: Yes, sir.

Kenan: Wonderful. Send every ambulance in the world to me, please.

Ego: Did you smoke marijuana at this friendsgiving too?

Kenan: Yes. And my head feels tight on my head. But if I remove it, my ideas and memories will escape. I need help with this. Come now. Thank you. Goodbye.

Ego: Grown adults taking up my damn time. [phone ringing] 911. What’s your emergency?

Cecily: Hi, sweetie.

Ego: Let me guess. You’re dead. I can’t keep taking these calls from you all. There are real emergency we need to deal with.

Cecily: Well, I got one for you. I put a book in the oven instead of a turkey. And now my kitchens on fire. Classic stoner move.