Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves] [Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]

Booty Rap

Vanessa Bayer

Alberta… Cecily Strong

Sheryl… Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Chris Pratt

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies sitting in a restaurant.]

Vanessa: I am so happy we came out tonight.

Alberta: Girl’s night.

Everybody: Woo!

Sheryl: Um, oh my god! Look at that guy. [Cut to four men on bar booth.]

Vanessa: Oh, he’s cute, Sheryl.

Sasheer: You should go talk to him.

Sheryl: Gosh, I could never. Like, what would I even say?

Alberta: Oh, come on! You’ve seen music videos and movies. You know how to flirt.

Sheryl: Gosh, you’re right Alberta. I’m gonna go.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Hi.

Todd: Hi.

Sheryl: I’m Sheryl. I don’t know how to do this. I’m nervous I guess.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

I’m hot, sticky, gooey and I’m ready to pop
po-put my gushy on your tushy and then spin on the top
with my big fat ass
you know you want it, it’s my big fat ass

Okay, bye.

[Sheryl runs to her friends.]

Was that okay? How was that?

Alberta: You seemed very horny and loud.

Sheryl: That’s good, right?

Vanessa: I think so.

Sheryl: I just– I wish I knew what he was thinking.

[Cut to the men at the bar booth]

Beck: That girl’s so into you. Go back and talk to her.

Todd: Dude, you know me. I don’t know how.

Kyle: Just be confident, like all the guys you see, in that swag.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I’ll give it a shot.

[Todd walks to Sheryl]

Hi.

Sheryl: Hey!

Todd: Gosh! I’m so nervous.

Sheryl: Me too.

Todd: You know, I just have to tell you, you make me feel like…

[Todd starts to rap]

dang, girl, I wanna bang that thing
bang, did you go insane?
Go to plow through your panties
like I’m running on diesel
when I open up my jeans
say “Pop goes the weasel”
Pop, pop, goes the weasel
pop, pop, pop, goes the weasel

Alright, bye.

[Todd walks back to his friends]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. Hey, did you just say, ‘Plow through your panties like I’m running on diesel?’

Todd: I guess so.

Bobby: What does that mean?

Todd: I guess, like, I’mma truck that speed through her panties.

Kyle: Wow, really great. Girls love that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: And then he told me that he would open his jeans and then I’d say, “Pop goes the weasel.”

Alberta: Very cool, Sheryl.

Sasheer: Go back over there and talk to him.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Todd: So.. urgh! Tell me about yourself.

Sheryl: Okay. Well I went to Wesley and I double majored in women studies.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

And my big fat ass, ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass
oh, my god! Look at my ass
Look-look-look at my ass
ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass.

What about you? Like, what kind of girls you’re into? You know?

Todd: Um, I guess it’s tough. I guess I’d say I like girls who…

[Todd starts to rap]

drop the ass low, shut the hell up
drop the ass low, shut the hell up
free-free-free-free

You know, I mean, that kind of stuff.

Sheryl: Yeah, that sounds neat.

[Sheryl runs to her friends]

Guys, he said he like girls who shut the hell up.

Alberta: That’s not good, Sheryl. You’re a feminist.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kate]

Kate: But he also mentioned asses and you have one of those.

Vanessa: Am I the only one who thinks Sheryl is hitting the ass stuff a little too hard?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: But honestly, like, what else do girls even say?

Sasheer: Talk about your family.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

So, I have one brother.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

He’s nine year’s Mikey and he looks like a Viking
he’s got some junker in his trunker so they say he look like me
because I got a big fat ass

[Alberta comes in]

Alberta: Chill! You’re back on the ass stuff again.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Alberta leaves]

Why don’t you tell me more about you?

Todd: [rapping] My name’s Todd and I like that bob
when I bounce that bubble on a curtain raw
when I put at them biscuits, clap them
we can smoke some crack
crack-crack-crack-crack everybody.

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. You’re not gonna smoke crack with this lady, are you?

Todd: Is that what I said?

Bobby: Yeah!

[Bobby walks away]

Sheryl: Listen, Todd. I just I want you to know that, um, I’m down to…

[Sheryl starts to rap]

flirt and slurp,
I know you like it when I flurt my wurp

Todd: What were those words?

Sheryl: I don’t know. I just like you a lot.

Todd: Ow, would you like to go on a date sometime?

Sheryl: Oh, ya. I’d love to. I’ll make sure I’ll bring my

[Sheryl starts to rap]

big fat ass
and I will pump it like a…

[all the ladies and gentlemen join by dancing]

Sheryl and Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah!