Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

Second Impeachment Trial Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Bruce Castor… Mikey Day

Michael Van Der Veen… Pete Davidson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight show intro] [Cut to Tucker Carlson in his set] [cheers and applause]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening. Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. I’m your host and human white claw, Tucker Carlson. There’s a lot to cover tonight including impeachment. So, in place of my usual monologue, here’s a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs.

Is AOC hiding in your house right now? Wouldn’t put it past her.

Pronounce for dogs? Come on! Everybody knows they’re boys.

Pixar, is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one!

Well, the impeachment has reached it’s foregoing conclusion with the requital of Donald J. Trump. And tonight’s first guest is a power player in those hearings, please welcome 65 year old teacher’s pet, senator Lindsey Graham.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Tucker. It’s a great day for 30% of America and tonight, we party.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. Well Lindsey, you’re obviously very happy bout the verdict.

Lindsey Graham: Look Tucker, this trial was offensive and absurd, like a freaking episode of Rick and Morty. Excuse my foul language. But we all agree of the attack at the Capitol was a horrible thing but just because the rioters were yelling “Fight for Trump” doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could have been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric-stans. I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move pass this and focus on the serious issues as locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.

Tucker Carlson: That’s a great point, Lindsey. It really makes me want to contort my face like I’m thinking.

Lindsey Graham: I just don’t understand why everyone insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart. He is nice. He’s in shape. Last fall, he died of covid and didn’t even tell nobody. And now, everybody’s saying he attempted a coo. He didn’t attempt a coo. He is coo. He’s the coo-lest guy I know.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. Maybe the coo-est guy ever?

Lindsey Graham: Look, the important thing is the good guys won again and we couldn’t have done it without this bastard, Get in here, Ted Cruz.

Tucker Carlson: Wow, senator Cruz. Welcome to the show.

Ted Cruz: Well thanks, Tucker. [There’s a label below Aidy Bryant that says – Sen. Ted Cruz – Trump said “Wife Ugly”] Wait, whats does it say below me? Oh yeah, that’s what Trump said about my wife. I think she is beautiful but since Trump is the boss, sorry honey, you’re busted.

Tucker Carlson: Just in time for valentine’s day. And can I say, the beard is working.

Ted Cruz: Well, you’d be the first.

Tucker Carlson: Now, Mr. Trump’s defense team got off to a pretty rough start earlier in the week. Can you tell me how you pull this out? And while you talk, I’m going to have a look on my face like a baby like he’s seeing his first balloon.

Ted Cruz: Well, thanks for the question. Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice. “Stop and don’t”.

Lindsey Graham: But overall, Ted and I are proud of Trump’s lawyers who are both partners at the law firm of Salino and Yaks.

Ted Cruz: Damn right. Thanks, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Thank you, gentlemen. While we’re on the subject of the Trump defense team, let’s take another look at some of the arguments from earlier.

[Cut to Bruce Castor]

Bruce Castor: Hello, senate and other serious people. I want to apologize for being unprepared last time. I was out here wife-butt-decaf. But I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you now. As you all know, I am the lead prosecutor. Nope, sorry. I’m the council. I know of the difference. But as Trump’s meaning– Nope, not right either. Bride’s maid– Nope, sorry. I need a second. Let’s hear it from the prosecution. Wowser, am I right? You all rule. Crushed it. Well, that’s my time.

[Bruce Castor storms out and Michael Van Der Veen walks in]

Michael Van Der Veen: Alright. I’ll take it from here. My name is Mr. Van Der Veen. That’s Dutch for “Man of the penis”. So, I’ve heard it all. First off, let me say that I do not want to be here. I am not like you. I’m not from Warshington. I’m a Philly boy. And I said that uver and uver (over and over). And this is the wort thing that’s been in the senate chamber in the history of a couple of weeks. Too many crickets. And now the house wants to bring up witnesses over Zoom? Zoom? I can’t afford to Zoom. You think I’m getting paid for this? And this is supposed to be on my last day. I already bought a non-refundable train ticket back home to Phillyvania Pennsyldelphia. But if they insist on witnesses, I’m going to call some of my own. Like, vice-president Kalua Harris, Anya Presly and Elon Omana. Now, did I mispronounce the names of all these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? You’ll never know. But if you think Donald Trump saying the word ‘fight’ is a crime, I invite you to look at this tape. [cut to video clips of many political personalities and movie dialogs saying ‘fight’] Well said, Jar-Jar, me-so-rest my case.

Tucker Carlson: We now go to our final guest tonight. Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell.

Mitch McConnell: Hello, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Now, senator McConnell, why did you vote to acquit Donald Trump?

Mitch McConnell: Because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. That’s why we should have impeached him before back when I said we could.

Tucker Carlson: Well, that logic pretzels out but what do you really think of Trump?

Mitch McConnell: I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst president I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up. Oh, god. That felt good. I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years. I got cracker crumbs in here.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. So, what’s next?

Mitch McConnell: I don’t know about my colleagues, but I plan to reach my hand across the isle and then yank it back and slide across my hair and say, “Too slow.”

Tucker Carlson: That’s beautiful. Thanks for coming, senator. We will be back right after this ad for senior emergency buttons, but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Wedding Friends

Priest… Alex Moffat

Mother… Punkie Johnson

Dan Levy

Kate McKinnon

Carey… Ego Nwodim.

Mark… Mikey Day

[Starts with a couple getting their wedding ceremony done.]

Priest: With a solid foundation, you’ve decided to take the oath of marriage. Mark, Carrey, let us celebrate your joys. You begin your lives together. Now, for the family blessing, who gives this bride today?

Mother: [sobbing with happiness] I do.

Priest: Wonderful. If anyone has cause to object to the forming of this union or forever hold your peace.

[Dan and Kate stand]

Dan: Carey!

Kate: Carey!

Dan: Carey, we just wanted to take this opportunity to say you’re amazing.

Kate: Um-hmm. Carey, you’re such a rockstar.

Dan: And that’s it.

Carey: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. What?

Mark: Yeah. What was that?

Dan: Oh my god.

Kate: Oh, I’m sorry. Nothing.

Dan: We just wanted to make sure you knew right now that you are one of the best people.

Kate: Yep. And you deserve also the best.

Carey: Okay. Is this an objection?

Dan and Kate: No. No.

Dan: Nothing about him.

Kate: No.

Dan: Just sort of like, Mark is great. And he’s great.

Kate: Um-hmm. It’s just like– Well, Mark wise, it’s sort of like– No, he’s good. He’s good.

Mark: Mark wise what?

Carey: Yeah. I’m really not sure what you’re saying.

[Dan and Kate looking at each other]

Dan: What are we saying?

Kate: Yeah. What are we saying? We just wanted to ask I guess if there was anything that you wanted to talk to us about.

Dan: Yeah. Are you good?

Carey: Yeah. This is my wedding.

Dan: Okay.

Kate: Go.

Dan: Lock it down.

Kate: Yeah, you better get that.

Carey: Okay. Thank you guys.

Kate: And a random question.

Dan: So random.

Kate: Does your– Does your mom like him?

Carey: What? I mean, I think so. I mean, she’s right there.

Mother: Umm, young woman’s wedding day, it’s all about her and her thoughts and not what her mother doesn’t like.

Carey: Mom, come on.

Mark: I’m sorry. Do I suck somehow?

Carey: Okay. You know, whatever this is, why are you all just bringing it up now?

Dan: You know what? You’re right. We should have done this last night but we got like, really, really scary drunk at the rehearsal dinner.

Kate: When I don’t drink wine, I drink faster.

Mark: Yeah. You guys shoved my dad.

Carey: Okay. Let’s just get this over with. Do you not like Mark?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think that I should be with someone different?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think I’m settling?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Okay. Well, I’m gonna get married now.

Dan: Thank god!

Carey: So, we’re gonna do the vows.

Dan: Begging for it.

Priest: Wonderful. Mark and Carey have decided to write their own vows. Mark, would you like to start?

Mark: Yes. Carey, first watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. together.

[texting sound]

Carey: [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, I know you are texting each other about this and I know you know how to turn that sound off.

Dan: Oh, so sorry.

Kate: Sorry, we’re good.

Mark: I knew you were my lobster. [texting sound] You’re my person. [texting sound] As my personal hero, Meredyth Grey says– [texting sound] [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, that’s really loud.

Dan: [whispering to Kate] Meredyth, Grey’s Anatomy’s fan? What a regret.

Kate: No. I just sent that to you.

Mark: Okay, guys. Stop. Okay, look, I know you don’t like me. Carey is amazing and yes, she’s probably too good for me. But at least I tell her how I feel and I say what I mean. And maybe that’s what she likes about me. You guys talk in mean little riddles.

Dan: Okay. Rail me, daddy.

Kate: Okay. I’m actually now fully horny and I’m going to try to cheat on you with me. Okay?

Mark: I don’t care what you two think.

Dan and Kate: [blushing] Mark!

Dan: Mark is hot.

Kate: Mark is hot. Oh my god.

Dan: Congratulations you guys. We love this now.

Kate: Yay!

Super Bowl Pregame Show Cold Open

James Brown… Kenan Thompson

Boomer Esiason… Beck Bennett

Bill Cowher… Alex Moffat

Nate Burleson… Chris Redd

Phil Simms… Mikey Day

Andy Reid, Bruce Arians. … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Super Bowl 55 pregame show on CBS.

[Cut to James Brown in his set.]

James Brown: Hello and welcome to the Super Bowl, four hours of television for 11 minutes of action. I am James “no, not that one” Brown. And joining me as always are Boomer Esiason.

Boomer Esiason: Excited to be here.

James Brown: Coach Bill Cowher..

Bill Cowher: Hey!

James Brown: Former wide out, Nate Burleson.

Nate Burleson: Okay.

James Brown: And the great, Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Do we need this many hosts?

James Brown: As everyone at home knows this year has been anything but normal. The pandemic, racial and political divisions, army hammer. But today, we come together in a spirit of unity to watch football. And murdered billions of chickens for their delicious wings.

Boomer Esiason: [eating chicken at the set] I’ll wing to that. Ha-ha-ha.

James Brown: Right. That is right. The league also dealt with so many covid restrictions this year but with hard work and vigilance, we were able to get through the season with only 700 cases. Hurray us! But again, today is all about positivity.

Bill Cowher: Well, except in terms of test results, the NFL is incredibly careful. If you test positive, they will ask you to cover your mouth with a play chart.

Nate Burleson: And you know who stood in the covid restrictions more than anyone this week is Tampa Bay’s famous prostitutes.

Phil Simms: Dude?

James Brown: Today again, is about inclusivity and we’re offering a variety of viewing experiences. Earlier we showed highlights with a new Nickelodeon twist. [Cut to football game. There’s a lot of visual effects of green gooey liquid being sprayed at the players.] Including a few gruesome injuries. [cut to a player bleeding green.] [cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: The game is also being simulcast on the Bravo network where it’s hosted by Andy Coen and instead of the Super Bowl, [cut to Bravo channel’s display of Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes] it’s called “Old Hag versus Young Slut.”

[cut back to the host set]

Nate Burleson: That’s right. That’s right. And if the Puppy Bowl isn’t your thing, flip over to the Hallmark channel for the original movie “The Woman Who Married Her Cat.”

Boomer Esiason: And this is interesting. The cat turns out to be Santa’s son.

Bill Cowher: Wow. Very cool, Boom. Now, this year, we want all viewers to feel welcome, appreciated and seen.

Phil Simms: And to reflect the importance of this moment in history you’ll see in passion commercials, this one almost brought me to tears.

[cut to an old video clips of black people’s achievements.]

Female voice: In these times, what you stand for matters more than ever. We’ve learned once again that freedom isn’t free. But we must always strive for equality. And we must always reach for [cut to Cheeze-Its commercial] Cheeze-Its. Cheeze-It’s, historically delicious. Cheeze-Its, historically delicious.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Wow, truly inspiring.

Nate Burleson: What the hell?

James Brown: That was a commercial for Cheeze-Its?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Bill Cowher: Right bro. But look, don’t worry. Hah! To balance off the so called ‘progressive ads’, we’re also airing some with the more conservative ads like this one.

[cut to the ad. A pizza delivery buy is ringing the door bell.]

Male voice: At Papa John’s, we know you want real ingredient. No additives, no preservatives and no child sex trafficking in the basement. Sorry democrats, you’ll have to get your child sex pizza over at Hillary’s Pizzeria. Papa John’s. It’s A-OK. Stop by with your Q-Pon today.

[cut back to the host set]

James Brown: Wait! That’s a pizza ad?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Phil Simms: But some of the most prominent advertisers are skipping out this year and are instead directing out the money and attention to the ongoing vaccine effort.

James Brown: That’s right. Take a look at how Budweiser adapted this classic Super Bowl ad to help inform the public.

[cut to the ad. The horses are playing football, but there’s a syringe placed on the football. The syringe flies and needles an elderly lady.]

Male voice: It’s good! Better get the second dose of cold, refreshing Bud-light.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Okay, I think that could be misleading.

Bill Cowher: Yeah. But remember, there’s another side to everything and anti-vaxxers drink beer too, that’s why Budweiser also released this ad.

[cut to the ad. There are two frogs talking.]

Frog: Don’t trust Pfizer.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Well, I guess it’s nice to hear both sides of the issue via frogs.

Boomer Esiason: I love frogs. They’re like turtles without shells.

James Brown: And speaking of both sides, let’s talk to both of these incredible coaches about how they’re preparing for big game. Joining us first is chief’s coach, Andy Reid.

Andy Reid: Hey there, Jim. Appreciate you have me.

James Brown: Alright coach, how do you win this game?

Andy Reid: Well, we’re going to pass it and then we’re going to run it, and when they have the ball, we’re going to stop it.

Bill Cowher: Thanks so much for that coach Reid. Fascinating stuff.

James Brown: And now, let’s check in on the other side line with Tampa based coach, Bruce Arians.

Bruce Arians: Hey there, guys. Thanks for having me.

James Brown: Yes. You just heard coach Reid’s plan. How do you match up against that?

Bruce Arians: Well, we’re going to run it first, then pass it, and then when they have the ball, we’re going to try to take the ball back.

James Brown: Phenomenal insight. I’m glad we checked in

Nate Burleson: Oh, but I want to hear what coach Reid thought about what Arians just said.

Andy Reid: You do?

Nate Burleson: Yeah.

Andy Reid: Okay. Well then, just ask real slow.

Nate Burleson: Hey coach Reid, what do you think about what coach Arians just said?

Andy Reid: Great. Really good.

James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks to both coaches. Guys, final predictions for what we’re going to see today.

Bill Cowher: Okay, JB, I predict that at the end of the game covid will address the Florida crowd and thank them for an incredible opportunity.

Nate Burleson: I predict that Cardi B will do a disturbing  commercial called “Wet Ass Pepsi”

Phil Simms: Well, last year, Planters killed off Mr. Peanut. This year, I predict that Kia Hamsters do a murder suicide.

Boomer Esiason: And I predict that the green M&M will finally go full porn.

James Brown: Well, sounds like we got a lot to look forward to. Happy Super Bowl everybody. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Hot Damn

Beck Bennett

Dan Levy

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with people walking out of a restaurant]

Beck: Are you serious? It’s the super bowl and your TV is broken?

Waiter: Yeah. I just got off with the owner. He’s coming down with another flat screen right now.

Waitress: I told Lee to buy a new TV.

Ego: How long is it gonna be? I have 500 bucks on this game.

Waitress: Guys, it’ll be back on before the second half.

Kenan: So what? We’re gonna be sitting here in silence until he shows up with a new TV?

Waitress: Well, I mean we could, I don’t know–

Waiter: I guess we could sing football songs.

Waitress: Oh. That’s a cute idea. We can sing football songs.

Waiter: Yeah. Everyone loves football songs.

Beck: What are football songs? Give me an example.

Waiter: Well, “Hot Damn” is one.

Alex: “Hot Damn” is one what?

Waitress: A football song. They played every Super Bowl. You will know it.

Ego: Wait, are you thinking of [humming] da-da-da-da-da?

Waiter: No. I’m not thinking about that. Why would I be thinking about that one? I said I was thinking of “Hot Damn”.

Beck: Well, I have never heard of it.

Waitress: Yeah. You have though. It goes something like00

[singing] Hot damn, I want to score the winning goal
Waiter: You will, you will put through the football hole

Waiter and Waitress: It’s a foot, it’s a ball, we just won,
Oh my god, hot damn!

Kenan: Okay.

Waiter: So, you do remember?

Kenan: No. I do not. I remember what you just did. And I will remember that for a while. But I do not remember it as a song.

Ego: And what is a football hole?

Waitress: I don’t know. It’s a song.

Waiter: I’m sorry if we’re not entertaining you enough.

Waitress: Yeah. I guess we could all just look at porn on our phones.

[Alex is reaching out for his phone.]

Beck: No, sorry. You’re right. [Alex stops himself] It was good.

Waitress: Well, that’s not even the whole thing.

Waiter: I know. It’s like, a fraction of a larger song.

Ego: Got it.

Waitress: I mean, if you’re literally begging us to sing it–

Alex: Uh, we’re not.

Waitress: Hot damn, you’re a chief and I’m a buc

Waiter: Not friends, but I don’t really give a… what?

Waiter and Waitress: So we run and we buc and we kiss and we love hot damn

Ego: Okay. You’re wearing dance shorts.

Waitress: Yeah. Well, it’s a sports bar.

Kenan: Near broadway. Are you two from broadway?

Waiter: No. We’re not from broadway. They want us to look sexy and I think we’re doing it.

Alex: Okay. So, this song is about two football players who kiss?

Waiter: I think they’re just excited because they won the game.

Beck: But they are not on the same team.

Waitress: Who is not?

Beck: The people.

Kenan: This song is not good.

Waitress: You know what? I think that’s probably because we’re stopping and starting.

Waiter: Yeah. We’re leaving too much room for people to interject with their thoughts.

Waitress: So, since you’re literally begging…

Kenan: We’re not though.

Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I swear that I’ll eat my bra

Waiter: You gotta give the ball on the square

Waiter and Waitress: Oh, don’t get mad at us, puts on the bus
smack you ahead.

Kenan: We don’t know this song.

Waitress: You do.

Beck: We don’t. Unless it’s something like…

[singing] Hot damn, I’m in the zone

Ego: Hot damn like Tim Tebow

Alex: So we pun and we kiss and we love
and that’s slight too damn

Kenan: No!

Waiter and Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I’ll touch your back in the car

Beck,Ego and Alex: The cheerleaders are calling to say

All: Were tired and here’s what we did,
we ran away.

[all run behind the bar]

Waiter: Tap break behind the bar.

Kenan: I am on Google right now and there’s exactly one song called “Hot Damn” and it was released in twothousandtwo by hiphop duo Clipse. It is not this song. This song is not real and those taps are not real.

Waitress: Well, maybe these tap hats and canes will help you remember.

Kenan: They will not!

All: Call in special teams, know who I mean
get in the game

All: Hot damn like Tim Tebow
and we rush and we kick and we puc
and we sing and we sing
and we dance and we kiss
hot damn

Ego: I guess we did remember that song.

Beck: Hey! This TV is unplugged. You just wanted to do your number.

Waitress: Yeah. And if you tell anyone, we’ll kill you.

Waiter: We’ll kill all of you.

Waitress: Okay, now let’s do it again. And really sell at this time.

Kenan: Hell, I knew y’all was a–

What Still Works Cold Open

Kate McKinnon

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Derrick Boner… Pete Davidson

Jack Dorsey… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Tom Brady… John Krasinski

[Starts with Kate McKinnon in her set.]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for “What Still Works?”

[cheers and applause]

Kate McKinnon: Hello. Hello and welcome to what still works where we look at every part of American society and wonder what still works? It’s a new year and we have a new president. So, something should work. But do they? Our first topic is ‘Government’ and already I have my doubts. Joining us is a congress woman from Georgia who’s been promoting QAnon conspiracy theories. Please welcome Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hi. Thanks for having me. [pulls out a gun and offers it to Kate McKinnon] Gun?

Kate McKinnon: No. Thank you. I’m good.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: Congress woman Greene, hard to say those words together. What are some of the theories you believe in and have been promoting?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: How much time you got?

Kate McKinnon: For you, very little.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Well, first off, I believe the Parkland shooting was a hoax. The teachers were actors and the children were dolls. I believe 9/11 was a hoax. Did anyone actually see it happen? I’ve also told my supporters that they should physically murder Nancy Pelosi. She’s just a lady I work with.

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I know. Thank you.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, and this is a new and it just came out. I think that the California wildfires were caused by Jewish space laser.

Kate McKinnon: So, there are lasers in space that cause wildfires and lasers identify as Jewish?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, correct.

Kate McKinnon: And those are real things you believe and tell other people about?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Um-hmm, yes.

Kate McKinnon: And you’re a US representative?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: You represent the US?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: People can google you and it will say – she’s a real member of the US government?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That might not be the first thing that comes up but yes.

Kate McKinnon: And when your colleagues found out about all these hateful and psychotic things you said, what did they do.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I was promoted to the education committee.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, thanks for coming. So, government doesn’t work. [Marjorie Taylor Greene walks out] And honestly, I regret not taking that gun. Now, let’s take a look at the stock market. That usually works, right? That’s where people invest all their retirement money, so should probably work. Here to help us answer that question is the new majority shareholder of GameStop, Derrick Boner.

[Derrick Boner walks in]

Derrick Boner: Hey. Wad up? This is crazy, dude. By the way, my name is Derrick Evans, but I made you say boner.

Kate McKinnon: Terrific. Now, would you say the stock market still works?

Derrick Boner: First of all, it’s pronounced ‘The Stonk Market’. Hell yeah, it works. See, I told you. I put all my money in GameStop and I can’t lose.

Kate McKinnon: Uh-huh. So, normally a stock price reflects the company’s value, right?

Derrick Boner: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: And two weeks ago, GameStop was valued at $Kate McKinnonTom Brady a share and then it went to $Jack DorseyKate McKinnonDerrick Boner a share. Would you say that reflects the kind of business GameStop stores have been doing in the past two weeks?

Derrick Boner: Um, we sell games?

Kate McKinnon: Right. But are you good at it?

Derrick Boner: Not really. People download all their games now, so we’re kind of like– I don’t know, what do you call it?

Kate McKinnon: A dying business?

Derrick Boner: Yeah. That’s it.

Kate McKinnon: Right. So, your price should have gone—

Derrick Boner: Down?

Kate McKinnon: But instead it went–

Derrick Boner: Up the most?

Kate McKinnon: So, now it seems like–

Derrick Boner: The entire system is a joke?

Kate McKinnon: Exactly.

Derrick Boner: Interesting. Hey, you wanna buy my stonks?

Kate McKinnon: I’m good. Thank you. But out of curiosity, who else invested in GameStop?

Derrick Boner: Oh. Ja Rule.

Kate McKinnon: Best of luck to you. [Derrick Boner walks away] So, the stock market no longer works. Next, let’s look at social media. Some might say it never worked, but let’s ask two experts, Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey and and Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg.

[Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk in. Jack Dorsey takes a seat and Mark Zuckerberg stays standing as there’s only one seat.]

We can get you a chair, Mark.

Mark Zuckerberg: I prefer to stand. It makes my legs work just as hard as my brain. Ha-ha-ha. Dab! [dabs] Hah! Leg-dab. [jumps and does the leg-dab]

Kate McKinnon: He’s one of our best and brightest. Guys, you’ve had to suspend the accounts of many prominent conservatives who are spreading lies and in-sighting violence. How did that go?

Jack Dorsey: Not well. It seems to have force those people on to darker, scarier apps where they’re delusion and blood lust can run wild.

Mark Zuckerberg: And fundamentally, Facebook still works. Not only does it help form communities online, it has helped people meet and connect in real life. For example, at the Capitol. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jack Dorsey: And while we’re gathering opinion with what works, would you say that my chin-beard is working?

Kate McKinnon: It’s working in terms of keeping me a lesbian. Thank you so much for joining us. [Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk out] Our next topic the vaccine rollout. Is that working? Joining us someone who has just received the vaccine, OJ Simpson.

[OJ Simpson walks in]

OJ Simpson: How is it going, gang? Great to see you, everybody. [He is wearing a house arrest ankle monitor] I don’t get out much, so this is fun.

Kate McKinnon: So, OJ, you got the vaccine?

OJ Simpson: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: Teachers can’t get vaccines but you did?

OJ Simpson: That’s correct.

Kate McKinnon: People with long term lung conditions can’t get the vaccine but you did?

OJ Simpson: Absolutely.

Kate McKinnon: So, among the first 3% of all Americans given the vaccine, was OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Hey, guilty as charged. About the vaccine.

Kate McKinnon: Alright. The vaccine rollout, it doesn’t work. Thank you so much for coming.

OJ Simpson: Honestly, my schedule was wide open. [ankle monitor starts beeping] God, this thing makes me so angry. [angrily] I swear I could just– [Kate McKinnon is getting scared of OJ Simpson and he notices that] Hey, stay cool, juice.

[OJ Simpson walks out]

Kate McKinnon: Cool. And our last topic tonight, Tom Brady. Is Tom Brady working? Here with his thoughts is Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady walks in]

Tom Brady: Thanks for having me.

Kate McKinnon: Now, Tom, this is your tenth Super Bowl appearance?

Tom Brady: That’s right.

Kate McKinnon: You’re 43 years old but you’re 27.

Tom Brady: I haven’t been eating sugar for 15 years.

Kate McKinnon: You went to historically one of the worst franchises in football and in your first year, you took them all the way to the championship?

Tom Brady: That’s right. But, it’s really team effort, you know?

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Don’t even try it. No one believes there’s anyone else on the team. My point is, you still work.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You’re supposed to win football games and you just keep winning football gmes.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You might be the only thing in America that still works.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: So, I guess everyone must be rooting for you, right?

Tom Brady: Almost no one.

Kate McKinnon: Well, you know what? I’ll be rooting for you, Tom Brady because you’re the only god damn thing this country can still rely on. And it’s not like you’re a weird Trump guy or anything, right?

Tom Brady: [does’t answer] Thanks for having me. [stands and walks away]

Kate McKinnon: And thank you for watching what still works. I’ve been Kate McKinnon as myself slowing losing my mind along with all of you. Stay strong. Or weak. Weak is a great option too. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Opening Credits Songs

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Anya Taylor-Joy… Melissa Villaseñor

David Harbour… Beck Bennett

Julie Andrews… Cecily Strong

Nicholas Braun… Pete Davidson

Gillian Anderson… Kate McKinnon

Kim Cattrall… Chloe Fineman

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Kelsey Grammer… Alex Moffat

John Krasinski

[Starts with Nicole Kidman’s intro]

Male voice: If you’ve watched “The Undoing”, you might have noticed that one of the stars of the show, Nicole Kidman, sang the theme song.

Nicole Kidman: [singing] Why am I alone, it’s blue as can be (my son)
dream a little dream of me

Did you notice my coat?

Male voice: We did. Inspired by Nicole, stars of your other favorite shows now singing their theme songs on ‘Now that’s what I call theme songs sung by the stars of the show’. So, enjoy this original theme song that was cut from the opening of “The Queen’s Gambit”.

[Cut to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Anya Taylor-Joy: [singing] Chess and drugs and drugs and chess
girl playing chess, then doing drugs
then playing chess
now when you see people playing chess
now you will know, they’re on drugs

Male voice: And hey, if you like Stranger Things, you’ll love the new season four opening credits performed by Sheriff Jim “Hop” Hopper.

[Cut to David Harbour]

David Harbour: [singing] Welcome to the 80s, I’m about to blow your mind
in Hawkins, Indiana, scary aliens you’ll find

lots of kid actors but they’re actually good
there’s something strange in your neighborhood

Oops! That’s Ghostbuster, girl!

Male voice: And Julie Andrews, the narrator of “Bridgerton”.

[Cut to Julie Andrews]

Julie Andrews: [singing] Sex, lots of color blind sex
sex, we put on costume for sex

but why do these opening credits
look like a screensaver from the 90s? 

Male voice: And wow, check out Cousin Greg from “Succession” lending his own unique style to their theme song.

[Cut to Nicholas Braun]

Nicholas Braun: [singing] Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Succession

Male voice: And what about Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher singing the theme song for “The Crown”?

[Cut to Gillian Anderson]

Gillian Anderson:  [singing] This is the crown

Alright

Male voice: Pretty sure that was the theme song from “The Voice”. And you’ve probably heard the rebooting “Sex and the City”. Kim Cattrall is not in the new show but she does sing the theme song.

[Cut to Kim Cattrall]

Kim Cattrall: [singing] Sex an the City without Samantha
doesn’t that sound fun?

it’s Sex and the City without the sex
hope you enjoy the city

Ah!

Male voice: And don’t miss the opening theme to “The Mandalorian” as performed by Baby Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.
oh, yeah, what?
turn it up, turn it up, yo
Yo, come on, now, yo
Mandolorian, native Californian

Enough! This beat is whack! I got to wrap to this? Come on, now?

Male voice: And now that Frasier is back on Pika, Kelsey Grammer has release a brand new version of the theme song. But he has modernized the lyrics as only Kelsey Grammer can.

[Cut to Kelsey Grammer]

Kelsey Grammer: [singing] Hey, maybe I hear you Instagramming,
TikTok salads and Twitter eggs
Reddit

Male voice: And finally, John Krasinski sings the long lost lyrics to the original “The Office” theme song which he wrote himself.

[Cut to John Krasinski]

John Krasinski:[singing] Scranton,Scranton, Scranton,
Scranton, Scranton, Scranton, Scranton
that’s where we all live and work

that’s a calculator
there’s Dwight, he’s the bad guy
and the hero’s name is Jim
highlighting, that’s his girlfriend
that guy’s on the phone,
tie flip, then there’s me again
then Carell does the trophy thing
the office

Male voice: Stars sing the songs from the shows they’re on. Available wherever I am. Come and find me.

U.S.O. Performance

Colonel… Alex Moffat

Aubra July… Kristen Wiig

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Mikey Day

Andrew Dismukes

Marjorie… Dua Lipa

[Starts with Christmas Eve 1944. Two military men are dancing and the others are clapping. Then

Boys: [saluting] Sir!

Colonel: At ease, boys. Well, I hope to see those feet move that fast on the battle field.

Boys: Thank you sir. [They walk away]

Colonel: Can’t believe there’s this much talent in our very own 170 first division. And here to lift your spirits on Christmas Eve, you my recognize her from the medic tent. It’s nurse Aubra July.

[Aubra July walks in. She’s looking very pretty. The military men are clapping hard.]

Mikey: I like what I see

Andrew: Santa came after all.

Garrett: What a woman!

Aubra July: Well, I may be a lousy medic but let’s see if I can be half decent singer.

Colonel: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Simmer down, now, fellas. Just sit on your helmets and enjoy.

Aubra July: Now, I know you boys miss home this Christmas eve. Maybe you’re missing someone special. Well, I’ve got a song just for you. But first, I need a volunteer.

[All the military men are raising their hands]

Boys: Me! Me! Me!

Aubra July: How about you, handsome?

[Garrett walks to the stage]

Andrew: Private Garrett’s the toughest guy in our unit.

Mikey: Yeah. This should be gas.

Aubra July: Do you have heard the song “Love fight?”

Garrett: Maybe I head it when I was a boy. I’ll follow your lead.

Aubra July: It’s a shuffle on C, four on the floor, just stay on the rhythm and you can’t go wrong. Hit it.

[music playing]

Garrett: Hello.

Aubra July: Baby, listen. I ain’t coming home tonight.

Garrett: Boy, stop. Here we go with this mess again.

Aubra July: I mean it. I got work. Don’t wait up.

Garrett: Is that right? [singing] Coz I know that you’ve been hanging out all night

Aubra July: Well you know I cannot help that, I’m a man

Garrett: You can help the way you treat me

Aubra July: Woman, don’t please me

Garrett: I swear to you, I’ll walk away

Aubra July: [slaps Garrett] Shut your mouth, you’re pissing me off

[Aubra July and Garrett start dancing intimately. Even Garrett is acting like a woman.]

Both: Yeah, yeah
Doing me wrong and doing you right
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

[The boys are shocked]

Beck: Now, help me. Is this a play?

Kyle: I don’t know. But it sure is noisy.

Colonel: Well, whatever it is, Private Garrett is off book.

Mikey: Wait, so the girl is playing the boy and the boy is playing the girl?

Andrew: Yeah, there’s a lot going on.

Garrett: Quit your lying. My girlfriend saw Shanice you at the club.

Aubra July: She needs to get her eyes checked.

Garrett: She did. Yesterday.

Aubra July: [singing] I’ve given you all of me
my mind, my body, can’t you see?

Garrett: Then why does the car smell like sex
with girl that isn’t me?

Both: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah! 

Garrett: Break it down now, y’all.

Colonel: They are really nailing the coreo.

Mikey: But he got caught. Now he’s being mouthy.

Beck: He’s not going to change.

Kyle: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Andrew: Shh, she’s confronting him.

Garrett: Remind me, do you wear red satin panties?

Aubra July: Girl, you know I don’t.

Garrett: Then why did I find these in your briefcase?

[Marjorie walks in]

Marjorie: I’ve been looking for those.

Aubra July and Garrett: Marjorie?

[Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie start dancing sexy]

Beck: That must be the other woman.

Mikey: The one who stunk the car up?

Kyle: This is the moment of truth.

Aubra July: Baby, it ain’t what it looks like.

Marjorie: Oh, yeah? Because it looks bad?

Garrett: Consider this a warning.

Marjorie: You’re on notice.

Aubra July: How can I make it up to you both?

Marjorie: Why? It’s simple.

Garrett and Marjorie: Defeat the Nazis!

Aubra July: Mama, you ain’t saying nothing but a word.

Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah!
Doing me wrong and doing you right

[all the military men join them to dance] 
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

Pence Gets the Vaccine Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Karen… Lauren Holt

Doctor… Mikey Day

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NBC news intro]

Male voice: And now, vice-president Mike Pence receives the COVID-19 vaccine on live TV.

[Cut to Mike pence walking in to get vaccine]

Mike Pence: Hello. Thank you. I’m sure all Americans are excited to see me. The guy who let covid spread everywhere get one of the first vaccines. And my wife Karen will get one as well. [Karen nods her head yes] Would you like to say anything? [Karen shakes her head no] But you can talk. [Karen raises her shoulder] See you soon, mother. Before we begin, I just want to reassure the American people that this vaccine is completely safe and harmless. That’s why President Trump refuses to take it or talk about it. Instead, he sent me here to be his, what do you call it?

Doctor: Human shield?

Mike Pence: That’s right. That’s exactly the phrase he used. He is a colorful man. Even more fun on steroids.

Doctor: He’s still taking those?

Mike Pence: Speaking of roids, you’re probably noticing that I’m rocking short sleeves for this. So, if I look swole as F, that’s not an allergic reaction. I’ve been lifting weights in my driveway like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty and that’s where the similarities end.

Doctor: You don’t have to keep talking.

Mike Pence: I do. I do. So, thank you to all Americans for trusting President Trump with your health. He may not be doing president anymore, but he still cares deeply about not going to prison.

Doctor: Should we just start?

Mike Pence: Alright. You win, doc. Let’s get this over with.

[Karen starts opening his pants.]

Doctor: No, no. Mr. Vice President, it’s not that kind of vaccine.

Mike Pence: Oh, no. It’s okay. If you’re a doctor, you can go in.

Doctor: Mr. Vice President, it’s a simple injection in your arm.

Mike Pence: Oh. Okay. Cool.

Doctor: Really easy, and there you go.

Mike Pence: I didn’t feel a thing.

Doctor: Yes, it’s totally painless.

Mike Pence: No. I meant for the past four years, I haven’t felt a thing. Just kind of watched the country burn.

Doctor: Okay. Well, I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re all set. You handled it like a champ. And here is your lollipop.

Mike Pence: A lolli? Well, I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Yoo-hoo! Hello.

Mike Pence: No, no, no. Kamala Harris? You can’t see my bare forearms like this. Eyes off my elbows.

Kamala Harris: I promise you I am not interested.

Mike Pence: How did you even get into the White House?

Kamala Harris: I won more votes.

Mike Pence: Okay. I suppose you and Joe might be in here soon if those election results hold up.

[Kamala Harris slaps Mike Pence]

Kamala Harris: You do not.

Mike Pence: Okay. I’m sorry. Trump made me do it. He says I have to over turn the election or he’ll make my Spotify playlist public.

Kamala Harris: Listen. I have good news, Mike.

Mike Pence: Oh my god! BTS is touring again?

Kamala Harris: Even though you lost, you could still come back from this stronger than ever like the current president elect, my man, Joe Biden. Get in here, Joe.

[Joe Biden walks in. He’s walking with a support of a cane. Then he loses the cane, and does a somersault.]

Joe Biden: Hey there, Kamala.

Mike Pence: You look different, somehow.

Joe Biden: Yep. I’m like Cornell Sanders. Every time you see me, I’m a different guy. There’s a good chance this time next year, I’m going to be Mario Lopez. Now, where the vaccines at?

Mike Pence: I thought you were getting it on Monday, Joe.

Joe Biden: Yeah, but Kamala wants me to get it over with.

Kamala Harris: Well, I’m worried about you, Joe. Specially you’re already in a cast in Day -40 in “Office”.

Joe Biden: I just want to let the American people know one thing. You’re about to have a real leader again. You’re going to have the most diverse cabinet in the history of American politics.

Kamala Harris: And I will make sure that Joe never specifies what he means by diverse. That is my Christmas present to you, America.

Joe Biden: Or, if you celebrate Kwanza–

Kamala Harris: [interrupting] No! We’re going to go. Bye, bye.

Mike Pence: Well, thank you all for watching.

[Rudy Giuliani runs in]

Rudy Giuliani: Wait, wait. I hope I’m not too late. I heard they were giving out free meds.

Mike Pence: Oh my god. Rudy, are you okay?

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah, I’m better than ever. That’s what everyone’s saying.

Mike Pence: Rudy, what is happening with your face?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh. I think all my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me. In the Bora, I figured out people thought I was touching myself. I was actually trying to tuck my blood back in.

Mike Pence: Oh my god.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, and if you see black liquid running down my legs, don’t worry. That’s just pube dye.

Mike Pence: What? Okay, can you give this man a shot please?

Doctor: For what? Rabies?

Rudy Giuliani: Hey! Hey! You don’t joke down the mayor of 7-Eleven.

Doctor: Wait. 7-Eleven?

Rudy Giuliani: You be surprised.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Excuse me.

Mike Pence: Dr. Carson?

Ben Carson: Yes, it is I. Dr. Benjamin Carson. I came here to ask what do I do?

Mike Pence: In terms of the vaccine?

Ben Carson: No, no. In terms of my job. What is it that I do? You see, I’ve been sitting alone in a dark office for the past four years and no one has told me what to do.

Mike Pence: Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re all leaving in a couple of weeks.

Ben Carson: Well, can you at least tell me what my job was? I’d like to put it on my resume.

Doctor: Sorry. Weren’t you a brain surgeon?

Ben Carson: Oh, nobody can believe that now. Fiddle damn diddle!

Mike Pence: Well, America, I hope you trust the vaccine now. You know how it works because you can buy it in the soda fridge at CVS. Merry Christmas.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!