Holiday Baking Championship

Alex Moffat

Claudia… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Mitch… Eddie Murphy

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Holiday Baking Championship intro]

Announcer: We now return to the holiday baking championship.

[Cut to the show]

Host: All right, Bakers. It’s time to show your holiday creations to the judges. Today’s theme was Christmas past. You had to hours to make cakes based on childhood memories. First up is home baker, Claudia.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Hi judges, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Merry Christmas to you. Sweetie, why don’t you tell us what you made today.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: My cake is a tribute to my father who gave my daughter her favorite Christmas memory by taking her to see the movie Frozen. So my cake is beautiful Elsa made from peppermint sponge cake. And her hair do is made from over Host,000 braided strands of icing. And I’m not gonna ‘let it go’ because I want to win.

[Cut to Ego and Beck]

Ego: Wow. That sounds very ambitious. Let’s see your cake.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: With pleasure.

[Claudia reveals her cake. It looks horrible.]

Ego: Claudia!

Claudia: Yeah. Now that it’s in the light, I see that it’s bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Yeah, sweetie, it kind of looks like it has some kind of DNA problem.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: I would love to say that’s intentional.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: Well, let’s taste it.

[the judges take a bite]

Beck: Oh, is there garlic in this?

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Probably. At one point I blacked out and I started making pasta. Just forget it. It’s bad. I’m bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! That’s unfortunate. Next up is Mitch.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here. I want to say that you look so much more attractive in person.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Thanks. Who’s your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn’t want to hedgehog my bets.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I love that you came to play. Let’s see it.

[Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and its brown in color.]

Beck: Good god, Mitch.

Mitch: That’s bad. It’s gross. Real bad.

Ego: What went wrong?

Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I mean in general in my life.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And why is it brown, Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I don’t know. Why is anything brown?

[Cut o Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Land are those human teeth in its mouth?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s correct. The teeth are human.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, hopefully things went better for you.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: No complaints. My Christmas memory is watching Frosty with my grandma. And here he is, all come to life.

[Sandy reveals her cake. It looks really good.]

So what do you think?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: That’s frosty all right.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? Hang on. My cake is definitely better than his. I mean, look. It’s on fire!

[Cut to Mitch’s cake. Its literally on fire.]

Mitch: Is that true? I think it is trying to kill itself.

[the cake is speaking something] [Cut to the judges]

Ego: I’m sorry, Mitch. What is that language it’s speaking?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Should we destroy it?

[Cut to Mitch’s cake speaking in old lady voice]

Mitch’s cake: No. Please don’t hurt me. I love you.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: What is that voice?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: It is in your grandmother’s voice to trick and you drag you to hell.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: That’s very disturbing. At least you took risks.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Excuse me?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Ralph. What is your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My favorite Christmas memory is Cinderella.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: That doesn’t quite make sense but let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. The castle looks like penis.] [Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Festive but what are those things on the side?

[cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s her penis castle, of course. That’s where Cinderella goes when she’s tired from all the balls.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Well, we have another tough decision to make.

[Cut to Sandy and Mitch]

Sandy: That’s incorrect.

[Mitch’s cake speaks something]

Mitch: Thank you pal, we can still win this thing.

[Cut to Host]

Host: We’ll be back the judge’s decision right after this.

North Pole News Report

Rick Sugarplum… Alex Moffat

Donnie Chestnut… Mikey Day

Kittle Diddles… Eddie Murphy

Chloe Fineman

Cecily Strong

[Starts with North Pole News intro]

Announcer: This is a North Pole News special report.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum in his news set.]

Good evening. I’m Rick Sugarplum. Breaking news tonight of an incident which led to a fire at Santa’s workshop in toy production, north. Our own, Donnie is live at the scene.

[Cut to split screen with Rick Sugarplum at left and Donnie Chestnut at right]

Donie, what’s going on and will it affect Christmas?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well, Rick, what we know is there was a fire caused by a knocked over licorice lamp as elves were fleeing the workshop. But no word yet as to what they were fleeing from. Still looking for answers here.

[Kittle Diddles comes in running]

Kittle Diddles: I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole thing walking down from the candy can depo. I saw the whole thing.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, tt looks like we have an eyewitness here. What’s your name sir?

Kittle Diddles: It doesn’t matter what my name is. I’ve seen what happened. A polar bear got into the workshop and started eating elves. I don’t know those elves and I don’t work with those elves are but those elves are gone.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Hold on. Is this man saying a polar bear got inside the workshop?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Yes. I believe he is. But there is an electrified fence around the perimeter.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter about the electrified fence. The bear came right through fence and it looked just like Jurassic Park. it just ran through the fence. These bears are out there and they’re hungry because of global worming, and they smelled that fresh elf meat and wen’t crazy. The bears are coming for us, you all. Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Well, that’s some troubling news. Any word on who might have been injured?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well no, official casualties have been confirmed.

[Kittle Diddles runs in again carrying one human leg in his hand]

Kittle Diddles: I can confirm them now. Look at this leg. I found this lying on the ground down there. They’re dead. Bears are popping elves in their mouths like skittles. Not even chewing. Swallowing elves whole. Party shoes and all! Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Donnie, looks like this could be far worse than originally thought.

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Again, Rick, I don’t want to speculate as to how serious it is without official word.

Kittle Diddles: Let me break it down for you. I tell you how bad it is. [Kittle Diddles takes over the mic and goes towards Chloe] This teenage white elf girl ran out to me, a black elf in sweat pants and asked her to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is.

Chloe: My friends are still in there.

Kittle Diddles: Girl, they dead. Where’s Santa? That’s what I want to know. Santa supposed to be here and he’s no where to be found. Christmas is canceled.

Donnie Chestnut: No, it’s not. Please do not announce that, sir. Thanks for the info. What’s your name again in.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, well responses are already pouring in from the magical being community, The tooth ferry via Instagram moments ago. Wings heavy with despair this evening. Sending my thoughts and prayers to the North pole. Some moving words there.

Kittle Diddles: That bitch sounds crazy! We don’t need thoughts and prayers. How about some guns and ammunition? More bears are coming. And they’re eating. We’re up here. We’re defenseless and small and we’re adorable and we’re chew-able.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay. Thank you, sir. We’re good with you. Oh, Rick! [Cecily walks in] Here comes an elf who just emerged from the workshop. Mam!

Cecily: Santa knew. He knew that fence was old and he didn’t replace it because it cost Cecily,000 more gum drops then a wanted. Our pepper mint blood is one your hands.

Kittle Diddles: Listen to this sexy ass elf right here. When polar bear are in town, the fattest man in the north pole is nowhere to be found. He’s MIA, pretty convenient. Don’t you think? We’re just scratching at the surface of this thing. #Santanew.

Donnie Chestnut: Oh, don’t say things like that. Thank you very much. And what is your name again?

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is. It don’t matter.

Donnie Chestnut: It does matter for our viewers, please.

Kittle Diddles: All right. My name is Kittle Diddles. I don’t like my name. That’s why I don’t like to say.

Donnie Chestnut: Well, thank you Kiddle Diddles. Wait! Rick, I think I hear something. I think it is singing.

Kittle Diddles: Hey, that ain’t no damn singing. That’s a bear!