Tournament Fighter

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Scorpinox… Mikey Day

Deathstripe… Kate McKinnon

Pyro… Luke Null

Boo Boo Jeffries… Tiffany Haddish

Mark… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Amy and Pete playing video game in Gamer Con. Kyle is hosting the show.]

Amy: Come on, come on, come on! Damn!

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Pete: Yes! Nice game.

Kyle: Alright. That was epic. Alright, attention, video gamers. Sonic Goon just knocked out Gamer Chick XX which means the quarterfinal match of the death fight 12 tournament will be Sonic Goon Vs. Pone Dunky. Pune Dunky, make your way to the tournament stage.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, let’s do this. Let’s do this. What’s up? What’s up? Alright, cool. What’s up? [Amy walks out and Kenan takes her place]

Kyle: Alright, one match. Best two out of three rounds. Sonic Goon, you are player one. Pick your Death Fighter.

[Cut to the video game character selection]

Video game voice: Player one, choose your fighter. Scorpinox. You selected Scorpinox.

Scorpinox: No mercy. Only pain.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, man! I was gonna be Scorpinox. That’s cool though. Let’s see who our Pone Dunky gonna beat you with.

Video game voice: Player two, choose your fighter.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Deathstripe.

Deathstripe: Let’s rip some throats up.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Na, I don’t like Deathstripe’s combos. Next please.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Pyro.

Pyro: Who wants to feel the burn?

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Pyro’s too slow, man. I need somebody like Doom Snake. Where my boy Doon Snake at?

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries, y’all know me! Hah!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Boo Boo Jeffries? Yo, part 12 added some whack characters. I’m sorry, Boo Boo, but that’s a next.

[Kenan mistakenly presses ‘select’ button] [Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: You selected Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Knock, knock, who’s there? Boo Boo Jeffries. Boo Boo Jeffries, who? If you don’t know, you stupid.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, I pushed a wrong button. Can we start it over?

Kyle: Hey, sorry dude. No resets in tournament play.

Kenan: Even if we accidentally pick Boo Boo Jeffries? A character that I have never even seen before?

Pete: Hey, let’s go to our fighter overview.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries fighter overview.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Get to know your girl, Boo Boo Jeffries.

Video game voice: Primary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

Video game voice: Secondary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Beyoncé! Beyoncé! Beyonce!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Those are her special moves? This is a game where you rip people’s heads off.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Fighter’s strehgths.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My relationship with my mom. She’s my best friend

Video game voice: Fighter weaknesses.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My biggest weakness is fighting.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Fighting? Thats the only thing you got to be good at in this. It’s called Death Fight!

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Boo Boo Jeffries: My other weakness is, I get weird in groups. I’m great one on one but in groups, sad is my ass shuts down. I get quiet and all in my head, “Why do I do that?”

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t know, Boo Boo Jeffries. Hey man, I payed 75 bucks to play in this tournament, man. Just let me be Doom Snake.

Kyle: Ay, I’m sorry man. Rules are rules. Good luck, gentlemen.

[Cut to the game fight]

Video game voice: Scorpinox versus Boo Boo Jeffries. Round one. Fight!

Scorpinox: Death punch!

[Scorpinox punches Boo Boo Jeffries on her face. Boo Boo Jeffries heal bar is empty.]

Boo Boo Jeffries: No!

[Boo Boo Jeffries walks out]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Scorpinox: Your defeat tastes delicious.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: She left? Yo, I didn’t even get to push one button.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Amy: You should have done a Rihanna on him.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: No, I should have picked Doom Snake.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Kyle: Hey, you’re never gonna win with an attitude like that. Let’s go round two.

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Round two. Fight!

Boo Boo Jeffries: [staying at one place] Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

[Boo Boo Jeffries’ move did no damage to Scorpinox] [Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah, that Rihanna move was a big help, thanks.

Kyle: Hey, try to do combo or something, bro. Come on, now.

Kenan: Alright, let’s see what this combo is all about.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries combo, prepare to be marked!

Video game voice: Combo!

Kenan: You getting marked for death. I knew my girl Boo Boo would come through.

Boo Boo Jeffries: This is my sister’s husband, Mark. You in trouble now.

[Mark walks in wearing a formal outfit.]

Mark: Okay, listen up, buster. The funny business ends now. Now, hit the road, Jack!

Boo Boo Jeffries: That’s a real man right there.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I am literally pushing no buttons right now. This is just happening.

[Cut to video game]

Mark: Hey! Hey, bud? You got wax in your ears? I said, scram!

[Scorpinox punches Mark on his stomach. Mark falls.] [Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Wow! Really saved the day there, Mark.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Okay, real talk. Nothing good comes from violence. When you fight, you lose. So, Boo Boo Jeffries is removing her self from the situation, which means Boo Boo Jeffries wins.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan looking all confused]

Kenan: Wins at what? Live or the game?

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Kenan: Oh, so not the game.

[Cut to Pete,Kenan, Kyle and Amy]

Great. Great. Cool.

Kyle: And Sonic Goon takes it. He’s going to the semi.

Kenan: Well, I guess there’s a reason why Boo Boo Jeffries isn’t on the cover of this game with all other fighers.

Amy: Yeah. She hates group settings.

Kenan: I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Amy: Amy.

Kenan: Shut up, Amy!

Message from the DNC

Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Diane Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from the democratic national committee.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi in her set]

Nancy Pelosi: This Tuesday, American went to the poll.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And they told president Trump, “We don’t like what you’re doing at all, sir.”

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And now, one thing is clear. We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: The dems are back.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language.] We’re back!

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein: You love us again.

Chuck Schumer: And we haven’t felt this confident since the day before Trump won.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: You love our fresh new ideas delivered by fresh new faces like me, Nancy Pelosi.

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And me, Diane Feinstein.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And me, Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language] I’m Tim Kaine.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: And I’m team player, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: And we also have some great new leaders waiting in the wings like hot young thing, Elizabeth Warren. And also, that’s right.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: It’s Biden Time.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And I’m still around too.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And together, we are going to end the spirit of divisiveness in this country by focusing on how we won the governor’s faces in two of the 10 states we care about.

Nancy Pelosi: And we learned our lesson from the election. We can’t just appeal to coastal elites. We need mouth breathers from Wisconsin.

Diane Feinstein: And window lickers from Ohio as well.

Nancy Pelosi: And we know what Americans really care about is jobs.

Diane Feinstein: Jobs, like smuggling immigrants across the border.

Nancy Pelosi: And converting confederate monuments into statues of prominent lesbian poets.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And we’re going to lace into people if they don’t say what’s politically correct. Like these comics out there who think it’s okay to make jokes about concentration camps. That guy should rot in he..

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: The dems are back, and we don’t stop now because we need another path for our country.

Diane Feinstein: Another vision for America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Another chance for me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Just one more chance, and maybe more more chance after that. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: I thought she was dead.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: We need bold leadership.

Diane Feinstein: And new blood.

[Cut to ‘Not Hillary’. She is Hillary Clinton wearing a fake mustache.]

Not Hillary: I think the Hillary idea could still work.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Chuck Schumer: This is our time.

Diane Feinstein: Our time.

Tim Kaine: Yo soy, Tim Kaine.

Nancy Pelosi: And just wait till Bernie transfers his millennial voters over to new leader.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. If you like it, you should have put a ring on it. Pass!

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: So, watch out, America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Because the dems are back.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: We’re back.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: Wi ado, senor, Trump.

All: Because the dems are back.

[Donna Brazile walks in]

Donna Brazile: I will destroy all of this.

Male voice: This ad was paid for by Mark Cuban for republican president.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Paul Manafort

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week saw the first arrest in Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Here to comment on the situation, our first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us.

Eric: You’re welcome.

Donald Trump Jr.: I was talking to Colin, buddy. We’re his gusts, right? [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.. Eric is trying to copy Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures.] Colin, we’d like to make it very clear that our father did nothing wrong. Some people who barely worked for him did, but dad knew nothing about it. And the same goes for Eric and myself.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, I definitely believe you that Eric hd no idea what was going on.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Exactly. And look, Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, we barely knew these guys. And as for the last guy, George–

Eric: Doctor Octopus.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, buddy. It’s not George Doctor Octopus. It’s George Papadopoulos.

Eric: George–

Donald Trump Jr.: Papadopoulos.

Eric: Papa–

Donald Trump Jr.: –dopoulos.

[Eric is confused]

Alright. Anywy, Papadopoulos was a pity hire, Colin. He got coffee. He was a glorified intern.

Eric: He was my boss.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he wasn’t your boss.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: So, you guys are not worried about this Mueller investigation?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Who Robert Mueller should be investigating, Colin, is Hillary Clinton. [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.] As we learn from Donald Brazilee, Crooked Hillary and company did some shady back room deals with the Russians. And tried to rig the election in her favor.

Eric: Just like dad.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright! Eric, you want to play with your Halloween candy and eat some of that, bud?

[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a bucket of Halloween candies]

Eric: Um, I already had my three pieces today.

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, that’s okay. It’s a special occasion.

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, the bottomline is this. Nobody in my father’s inner circle– [Eric starts sucking on a sugar stick] Eric, what are you doing, buddy? It’s fun dip, man. There is sugar in there.

Eric: Where?

Donald Trump Jr.: You dip the stick in the sugar. See? There is like, a whole thing of sugar in there. You don’t just lick the stick, dude.

Eric: In there?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Dip it in. Alright look.

[Eric dips in and looks at Donald Trump Jr.. Eric tastes it and is very happy.]

Right? Look, everything our father has done and our family has done is completely above board. And now, we’d like to focus, Colin– [Donald Trump Jr. looks at Eric dipping and eating too much] It’s good, right? Not too much. You’re going to be up late, buddy. We would like to focus on important thing like brand-new deals with Trump Organization and getting a little bro time like the hunting trip we took last week.

Eric: I shot a deer.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did. You wanna show Colin the deer you shot, buddy?

Eric: Uh-huh.

[Eric shows a sign board with deer’s picture on it. There’s a bullet hole on it.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Look at that. Right here. Right in the G, buddy. Proud of you. Can you believe this guy? So good with a gun.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: I cannot. Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink] [Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

Paul Manafort’s House Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort] [door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]

Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.

[cheers and applause]

Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.

Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]

Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.

Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.

Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.

Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.

Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.

Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.

Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.

[Melania leans towards Donald Trump] [Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]

Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.

Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.

Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?

[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]

I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–

[Mike Pence walks in the shower]

Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]

Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?

Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.

Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?

Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?

[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?

Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.

Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.

Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.

Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.

Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Career Retropective

Cecily Strong

Martin Hamill… Larry David

Beck Bennett

Doug… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Kenan

[Starts with Cecily speaking]

Cecily: Welcome to the ad council’s annual awards dinner. And judging by the bar tab, you are enjoying yourselves. Tonight, we are proud to present the AC Anderson Lifetime Achievement award in advertising to a man who let us know that when it came to McDonald’s, we’re loving it. And asked that famous question, got milk? I’m speaking of course about Martin Hamill.

[applause]

Martin Hamill: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a tremendous honor to be here.

Cecily: After dinner, we’ll take a look at some of the amazing ad campaigns he created. But before we eat, we thought we could look at some of his earlier works. He got his start by creating a series of public service announcements in the early 80s known as the smart choices campaign that warned teens about the dangers of drugs, alcohol and other issues.

Martin Hamill: Wow, you guys really did your research. Yeah, I was really proud of those. We helped a lot of kids.

Cecily: Let’s take a look now at a few of those ground breaking PSAs.

[Cut to the ad video. Beck is smoking a cigarette while Doug walks in]

Beck: Hey, Doug. You want a cigarette? [Doug looks away] Oh, come on! Don’t be a baby. It’s cool. Try it.

Doug: Smoking? No way! That’s gay!

[Doug pushes Beck and walks away]

Female voice: If someone pressures you to smoke, just say, “No way, that’s gay.”

[Cut to Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Hah! I had forgot about the tag line on that. You know, it was a different time. The word gay was very common with kids. It just kind of meant bad. You know, that hat is gay. Your car is gay. School’s gay. You guys understand what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut to the public. They’re shaking their heads no.] [Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Cecily: Well, after you encouraged young people to say, “No way, that’s gay”–

Martin Hamill: You don’t have to put it like that.

Cecily: You warned them about the dangers of bullying. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to the ad video. Doug and Alex are laughing. Alex is on a wheelchair. Luke walks in.]

Luke: Doug? [pointing at Alex] Why are you hanging out with him? He can’t even walk.

Doug: Yeah? Well, I can. And I’m walking away… from you.

Alex: Actually, let’s roll.

[Doug pushes Alex’s wheelchair and they leave]

Female voice: Making fun of someone with disability is retarded.

[Cut to Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Okay, um, obviously the ending doesn’t hold up. That word again. It was very common. Hey! Should we eat? Let’s eat.

[Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Cecily: You know, the dinner isn’t quite ready yet, I’m afraid. We were going to show the anti-drinking PSA with the interracial couple. But if you’d rather wait for the food–

Martin Hamill: No, no, no. That’s great. The interracial couple. Yes. That’s a good one. Play that one.

[Cut to the ad video. Doug wakes up with a hangover.]

Doug: OH! I drank so much last night. I’m so hungover.

[Kenan wakes up by his side. He is a black male person.]

Kenan: Ooh, me too!

Female voice: When you drink, your chances of making a good decision are smaller than a midget.

[Cut to Martin Hamill and Chris. Chris is a black person sitting beside Martin Hamill who is staring at him. The crowd is booing.]

Martin Hamill: I’m feeling very– I’m feeling very sick. Very sick. I need to go. [to Chris] Call an ambulance.

Chris: You’re not sick. Shame on you.

[Chris leaves] [Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Come on! Can we see some of my more recent work?

Cecily: Yes, yes. With pleasure. Your first big commercial campaign paired a beloved snack with a beloved entertainer. I’m speaking of course about Jello and your good friend, Bill Cosby. Let’s take a look.

[The End]

Kellywise

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Police… Kenan Thompson

Rachel Maddow… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of CNN logo commercial board]

Anderson Cooper: After senator Corker tweeted that the president was leading us on a path to World War III, [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set] White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway called those tweets “Incredibly irresponsible.” This woman does know that she works for president Donald Trump, right? What more can I say? I’m Anderson Cooper. Goodnight.

Heidi: And we’re out. [Cut to Anderson and Heidi walking in the studio hallway] Here’s the rundown for tomorrow.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Do we have anybody for the third slot yet?

Heidi: Well, I know Kellyanne has been making the rounds.

Anderson Cooper: We that desperate?

[Cut to Anderson Cooper walking out of the office. It is raining and he is wearing yellow raincoat. As he is reading a paper while he’s walking, wind blows and carries away the paper.]

Dammit!

[The paper gets into the sewer. Anderson Cooper looks into the sewer when he sees two eyes in the dark. Anderson Cooper is scared. He looks again. It’s Kellyanne Conway inside the sewer like Pennywise from IT.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, Coopey.

Anderson Cooper: Who are you?

Kellyanne Conway: It’s me. Kellyanne Conway. But you can call me Kellywise. Kellywise, the dancing clown. It’s Kellyanne.

Anderson Cooper: What did you do to your makeup?

Kellyanne Conway: I toned it down. Put me on TV.

Anderson Cooper: I have to go.

Kellyanne Conway: Wait. Don’t go. Don’t you want a quote?

Anderson Cooper: No.

Kellyanne Conway: I’l give you quote. I’ll give you crazy, crazy quote. How about this? [quoting] Okay, so, Puerto Rico actually was worse before hurricane Maria, and the hurricane actually did blow some buildings back together. And I don’t know why Elizabeth Warren won’t tweet about that.

Anderson Cooper: that’s insane.

Kellyanne Conway: I know. Do you want another one?

Anderson Cooper: No. Shut up.

Kellyanne Conway: [quoting] Okay, so, secretary Tillerson did not call the president a moron. They were sharing a Sunday and the president asked if he wanted more sprinkles, and the secretary said, “More on.” Are you hooked? Put me on TV.

[Cut to the police]

Police: Hey! Don’t talk to her. Everyday she drags somebody into that sewer. Down there where the doodies are. Don’t believe me? Yesterday she got Rachel Maddow.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway. Rachel Maddow walks to the light beside Kellyanne Conway.]

Rachel Maddow: You’ll float too, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: Rachel?

Kellyanne Conway: Come on, Coopy. We need each other to survive.

Anderson Cooper: That’s a lie.

Kellyanne Conway: Put me on TV or I’ll have to show you your greatest fear.

Anderson Cooper: I’m not scared of anything.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh no? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Trump re-elected for second term’.]

Anderson Cooper: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Another one? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Anderson Cooper fat now’.]

Anderson Cooper: [screaming] No!

[Instead of Kellyanne Conway, there is Hillary Clinton now.]

Hillary Clinton: Anderson Cooper? Ha-ha-ha-ha. It’s good to see you.

Anderson Cooper: Hillary? Is that you?

Hillary Clinton: It’s me, down in the sewer. Where id you think I’d be? Michigan or Wisconsin? Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Anderson, would you help me out? [Hillary gives her hand to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No. This is a trick.

Hillary: No. It’s not a trick. It’s me. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Here, if you come down, I will give you a copy of my book, “What happened” by me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. [Anderson Cooper slowly gives his hand] Go on. Take it. Take it.

[As soon as Anderson Cooper puts his hand inside the sewer, Kellywise bites his hand and rips it off. Anderson Cooper is screaming.] [Cut to the police]

Police: Oh, damn!

[Police runs away] [Cut to Anderson Cooper crawling away from the swear with only one hand. Kellywise reaches him and pulls him into the sewer.] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set in the studio. He wakes up from his dream. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Anderson, are you okay?

Anderson Cooper: Oh my god, was I asleep?

Heidi: Yeah. We’re back on in five. Are you sure you’re okay?

Anderson Cooper: Um-hmm. Yeah. I’m fine. I just– I just haven’t been sleeping. [a red balloon flies away in front of Anderson Cooper. There is Kellyanne Conway sitting across the table for interview in the show. Anderson Cooper gets scared when he sees her.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, stranger. Thank you for booking me. It’s good to be back. Let’s give them a good show. Right, Coopy?

Anderson Cooper: Kellyanne?

[Cut to Kellywise dancing like Pennywise in a clown suit. Anderson Cooper is screaming.]

Espionage

Kenan Thompson

Perkins… Alex Moffat

Jensen… Luke Null

Sabine… Gal Gadot

Vixen… Cecily Strong

Kay… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Hodges… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three men inside a van with spying equipments]

Kenan: Perkins, you’re about to go head to head with one of Europe’s most cunning spies. Are you ready for this?

Perkins: I am, sir.

Kenan: Okay, Jensen, do you have a secure video link?

Jensen: Yeah. It’s encrypted end to end. She should be coming through on your screen now.

Perkins: Um, Sabine, hello.

[Cut to Sabine. she is wearing all black and has a black eye patch.]

Sabine: Good evening, Mr. Perkins. At long last, we speak in person.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Let’s cut to the chase. We need the flash drive that you are carrying.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: You Americans, all business no play, huh? I believe this is what you’re looking for? And if you want it, you will have to give me..[the video has glitches and Sabine’s speech is inaudible] [Cut to three men in the van]

Kenan: Jensen, what the hell? Why did we lose her?

Jensen: I think it’s interference in the signal, sir. I’m trying to get her back.

[Cut to their screen. Sabine’s cam is turned off. ‘Sexy Slut Now’ live video is turned on. There are two women at the kitchen. One is sitting on the table and another is smoking in front of the webcam.]

Vixen: Okay, guys. Webcam is live. Nice to see you again if you are returning. If you are new, I’m miss Vixen. And y’all remember Kay? Kay sat on the cake yesterday.

Kay: Hi, guys. Hope you are ready with your tips because I’m feeling nasty.

Vixen: That’s right. Just click the tip button the the right of the screen and Kay and I will try to make your wildest fantasies come true.

Kay: Oh, yeah, baby. Get creative!.

[Cut to the men in van]

Kenan: What is this?

Perkins: Well, sir, it looks like these ladies are doing a sexy webcam show in what looks like a filthy kitchen.

Kenan: I know that, but why are we looking at it, Jenson?

Jensen: I’m sorry, sir. It seems like they’re piggybacking on Sabine’s wifi or something. Just one second.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Do you agree to my terms or no?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: I’m sorry. I lost you for a second. I need you to repeat all that.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Oh, I don’t have time for silly games. I give you 15 minutes to make the deposit or I’ll go to someone else.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: No. No, no. I’ll get it to you. Just tell me where.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Of course. Just deposit the money in the account that I give you — [[the video has glitches and it switches to Vixen and Kay]

Vixen: This is for you, Bootycall41. Thank you for your tips. Kay! You have to get to into the microphone. He is asking for a louder crunch.

Kay: Oh, you got it, baby.

[Vixen and Kay are eating pickles and making loud chewing sound]

Vixen: You like how we crunching this pickle?

Kay: Show us with your tips.

[Cut to the men in the van]

Kenan: Dammit! Why is this happening?

Perkins: Well, sir, it seems like Bootycall41 must have some kind of crunch fetish and he is willing to pay for it, I guess.

Kenan: I know this. Just fix it, Jenson.

Jensen: I’m trying, sir.

Kenan: Well, now, what are they doing?

[Cut to Vixen and Kay.Kay is sitting on a chair and Vixen is turning it round.]

Kay: Oh! I’m dizzy!

Vixen: Yeah? You like that Saggysack77? I got Kay all dizzy for you. Now, you got to walk around, Kay, he wants to see you walking all dizzy.

Kay: Okay. Here I go. [Kay stands and falls right after] [Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: [giggling] Did you see that? She landed on her face.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Who landed on her face?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Um, no one. Nothing, Sabine. Now, let’s finish this.

[Cut to Vixen and Kay. Mr. Hodges is standing in the middle and Vixen and Kay are dancing around him.]

Vixen: Oh, Mr. Hodges has joined the party.

Kay: Yeah. You like that, Mr. Hodges?

Mr. Hodge: We’ll get more soon.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: Now, where did Mr. Hodges come from?

Perkins: Um, I’d say he is probably a cool neighbor. A dude they play with but nothing serious.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: This is very serious. I’m done playing games. Wire $40 million to the account I’m sending you now.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: What? $40 million? You said $20 million.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Well, I changed my mind. You have 10 seconds.

[Cut to men in the van]

Perkins: [to Kenan] What do I do?

Kenan: Send it!

Perkins: Okay, Sabine. You win.

[Perkins presses enter] [Cut to Vixen and Kay. Perkins mistakenly send the money to them.]

Vixen: Oh, my god! We just got $40 million in tips.

Kay: I’m gonna buy an aquarium.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: What? What the hell? You sent the money to Ms. Vixen and Kay? Get it back.

Jensen: I can’t sir. It’s in their tip jar. It’s their’s.

Perkins: Argh! What do we do?

Kenan: I guess we figure out what we want to see these ladies do and watch it. I vote for the pickle thing.

Perkins: Definitely.

Jensen: Yeah, me too.

[cut to Vixen and Kay eating pickles]

Vixen: You like that crunch? That’s vlasic, baby!

The Fliplets

Pete… Mikey Day

Zeke… Alex Moffat

Tristan… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with HGTV video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching HGTV, coz your house sucks.

[Cut to The Fliplets promo]

Female voice: If you love the ‘Property Brothers’, just wait until you meet Pete, Zeke and Tristan. It’s the Fliplets.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I’m Pete. I have been a licensed realtor since I was 18. And if I can’t find a house you love, it just ain’t out there.

[Cut to Zeke]

Zeke: Ha-ha-ha. My name is Zeke and I have been flipping houses for the past 12 years. I’m the guy who will turn whatever nightmare he finds you into the home of your dream.

[Cut to Tristan]

Tristan: I’m Tristen. And when our parents divorced, I was the only one that went to live with our dad.

[Cut to all]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Alright, they don’t want to hear about that.

Tristan: Well, when are you gonna talk about it? I mean we’ve never talked about what happened.

Female voice: The Fliplets, just three brothers renovating houses and busting your gut.

[Cut to Pete and Zeke]

Pete: this guy does all the manual labor, which according to my calculations make me the smart one.

Zeke: Oh, please, poindexter here. You couldn’t drive a nail if it had a steering wheel on it.

[Cut to Tristan]

Tristan: I don’t think they ever really fully grieved the death of our family.

[Cut to all]

Pete: Ha-ha. Not really the platform, bud.

Tristan: Yes. So, rather than face their demons that they have, they go city to city trying to build the home they never had.

Female voice: The Fliplets, all new this fall.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We are all about the three Rs. [Cut to all] Refurbish,–

Zeke: Remodel,–

Pete: And…

Tristan: Religion is a drug.

Zeke: Nope. Nope. It’s renovate.

Female voice: The fliplets. Every Tuesday at 8.

[Cut to Pete and Zeke]

Zeke: I’ve been working with my hands my entire life. It’s my passion. Heck, when I was 12, I built a tree house with central AC.

Pete: Yeah. and even though I got a couple offers on it, I couldn’t sell the old gal. There were just too many memories.

[Tristan walks in]

Tristan: When I was 12, I watched a man get hit by a bus. And I had plenty of time to intervene but I was frozen, not by fear… but by a dreadful excitement.

Zeke: Ha-ha.

Tristan: And I just watched him. Like it was all a little show that god was putting on just for me. A Marionette, dangling before the lapping flames of his master’s furnace. And in that moment, I died a little unto myself but I was reborn as the lizard I was destined to become.

Pete: Ha-ha. He has never mentioned this before.

Zeke: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Tristan: Some might say that was the day the light inside me dimmed. But I would say that’s the moment the darkness inside me began to shine.

Zeke: What? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: The Fliplets, this was the usable footage.

The Chaos President Cold Open

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Cruz… Melissa Villaseñor

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Sarah walking to the oval office]

Sarah: Welcome back from bed, Mr. president.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Sarah. I had to come back. Sometimes when you’re president, you have to make sacrifices. So I skipped the back nine.

Sarah: Um, I understand, Mr. President. Sir, mayor Cruz of San Juan is on the line.

Donald Trump: I was expecting this phone call. Sure she wants to tell me what a great job I am doing.

[picks up the phone]

Yes, mayor, you wanted to talk to me?

[Cut to split screen with Cruz and Donald Trump]

Cruz: Yes, Mr. President, I’m so glad to have you on the phone. I’m begging you. Puerto Rico needs your help.

Donald Trump: I hear you loud and clear. And you called the best person for the job. [Cut to Donald Trump] Trust me. I know things are at the locals say ‘Despacito’. We’re gonna get more help to you. We’ll get to you immediately probably by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Mr. President, that’s not good enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you should have paid your bills. Thema takes a few days unless you join Thema prime.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ma’am, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in an island in the water. The ocean water. Big ocean. With fishies and bubbles and turtles that bite. We wanna help you but we have to take care of America first.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Wait, you do know we’re a US territory, don’t you?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I do, but not many people know that.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Cruz]

Cruz: Sir, e just need help please.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Donald Trump: Wow! That woman was so nasty.

Sarah: Mr. President, I got to be honest. This is only gonna get way worse.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like you, Sarah. You’re a straight shooter. That’s why you outlasted Sean Spicer, Scaramucci, Banon, Priebus, Gorkha flame and Tom Price.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Thank you, sir. I think it’s because folks listen to me because I’m no nonsense but I’m all nonsense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you handled that NFL thing just great.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Oh, well, I’m a little embarrassed that I said it’s a black and white issue. I should have said it’s a black vs. white issue.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s disgraceful. You know, I actually love football. I could’ve played. People say I remind them of an NFL player because I’m combative. I like to win. And I might have degenerative brain disease.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Well, I will stand by you, sir. No matter what you say.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, trust me. It may seem like what’s coming out of my mouth is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but it’s all part of the plan. The more chaos I cause, the less people can focus. We’re all getting so tired. So tired. Let me show you. How long did I declare war on North Korea and the rocket man?

[Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump]

Sarah: Um, four months?

Donald Trump: Wrong! it was last Friday. See? I’m bending time. So, let’s keep the chaos coming and shake things up around here. Speaking of shaking things up, get Jeff Sessions in here.

Sarah: Okay. Alright.

[As soon as Sarah walks out, Jeff Sessions stand up from right behind Donald Trump]

Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Jeff, how did you get in here so fast?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I live in the grandfather clock just in the hallway. I made friends with some mice. They tell me secrets.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I’m thinking about making a few changes in my administration.

Jeff Sessions: Aw! Digiddi dong!

Donald Trump: But you’ve been with me from the beginning. And you know, I value loyalty.

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. I’m very, very loyal.

Donald Trump: But, you went against me on the darker thing. And you wouldn’t fire James Comey when I needed you to.

Jeff Sessions: I know I was a bad boy. Very bad. Very bad. I should not have recuse myself from Coleman calamity. I don’t know. I got spooked.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I need someone with real balls. Not what you have which is two little George Pickens. Okay? Um, we have to do something right now.

Jeff Sessions: I understand. Time for the belt.

Donald Trump: I’m not doing that, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Please, sir. Don’t tweet on me. Please. I cannot get tweeted all over again.

Donald Trump: Tweet is so powerful, aren’t they? You fear the tweets.

Jeff Sessions: No, no. Donny. Donny, please.

Donald Trump: God, it’s so hard when you’re so damn cute. Come on over here to daddy.

[Donald Trump pulls Jeff Sessions and makes him sit on his laps]

Jeff, we’ll get through this.

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. i will not let you down. I might look adorable but I am frightening.

Donald Trump: You know, I’m nothing if not loyal. You were the first to get the republican party on my side. And I’ll always back them up because of you. You’re my guy, Jeff.

[Sarah walks in]

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt sir, but Chuck Schumer is here. He says you’re working on some kind of secret deal together.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. Donald Trump stands and puts Jeff Sessions down]

Donald Trump: Ah, yes. Send him in.

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: There he is. How are you doing, sir? Ready for dinner? No great place for slices. You’ll feel like you’re back in Queens.

Donald Trump: Great! Let’s go.

Jeff Sessions: So, are you really leaving with him?

Donald Trump: I told you, I’m nothing if not loyal. Come on over here, Chuck. We’re both New Yorkers. We enjoy good slice. We never go to Time Square and we love saying–

Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!