Picture with Dad

Shawn… Andrew Dismukes

Elizabeth… Heidi Gardner

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennet

Doctor… Anya Taylor-Joy

Policeman… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Shawn and Elizabeth getting ready for the prom picture a Elizabeth’s home.]

Mom: Okay now, smile. Oh my gosh, you two are so cute. And I got it. Alright. Now I want to do long ways.

Elizabeth: Mom, come on. We’re going to be late.

Mom: Elizabeth, calm down please. I just want one more.

Dad: Oh wait, I got an idea. I’ll be right back.

Mom: Chris, where are you going?

Dad: I got an idea for the picture. It’s going to be great. Hold on.

Elizabeth: Sorry, Shawn, my parents are being so lame.

Shawn: It’s okay, babe. We got time. Mrs. Sanders, take as many as you want.

Mom: Shawn, I knew I liked you. Alright now, scootch together and smile. One… two…

[Dad walks in with a big shotgun.]

Shawn: Whoa!

Elizabeth: Oh my god, dad!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: What? I saw it on the internet. It’s funny.

Mom: Chris, I told you that we weren’t doing this.

Dad: Oh come on, it’s funny.

Elizabeth: Dad, how is it funny?

Dad: Oh, you know, it’s like, “Hey, Mr. You better not try anything or I’ll shoot you.” Ha-ha. People are doing it. It’s a thing. It’s like, bang!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: Oh, come on, relax. [Dad shoots himself at his penis]

[Ten minutes later]
[Dad is taken to the hospital]

Doctor: Okay, what do we got?

Policeman: Male, age 48. Blew his [bleep] off taking a photo with his daughter.

Doctor: Their prom picture?

Policeman: Yes.

Mom: Chris, we’re right here.

Dad: Did you get it?

Mom: I tried honey, but it’s pretty rough.

Doctor: Is that his–

Mom: Yes. [Mom shows his blown off penis inside a container.]

Dad: Is it alright?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. Looks like we will not be able to reattach.

Dad: Okay. You could probably just do it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I do not think we can do that.

Dad: You can probably reattach it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I don’t think that’s possible.

Dad: But you can just do it though, right?

Doctor: No sir, we can’t.

Dad: Oh god.

Elizabeth: Is my dad going to be okay?

Doctor: I’ll do what I can.

Mom: My god, Chris. How could you be so stupid.

Dad: I wanted to take a funny picture.

Mom: What is funny about holding a gun around kids?

Dad: Cause I don’t want them to have sex.

Mom: They’ve been dating for three years. They’ve had sex.

Dad: What?

Elizabeth: Yes, dad. We’ve done it a lot.

Dad: When?

Elizabeth: Well, you know when we went to Jamaica and you didn’t see us the entire trip?

Dad: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Well, then.

Shawn: Yeah. And do you remember all those times that you wake up and I’m in the kitchen shirtless drinking a gatorade?

Dad: Yeah.

Shawn: Well, those times too.

Dad: Oh, why?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. we’re going into operation. So, we’re going to have to put you under, alright?

Dad: Wait! Wait! Lizzy, I’m sorry I ruined your prom by blowing my [bleep] off with my gun.

Elizabeth: It’s okay, dad.

Dad: And Laura, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and so I blew my little [bleep] off with my big old gun.

Mom: It’s fine, Chris.

Dad: And Shawn, you’re like a son to me. You take good care of my daughter.

Shawn: Thanks Mr. Sanders.

Dad: But tonight out of respect of me, please don’t have sex with each other.

Shawn: Okay. We will, but yeah.

Dad: No, but just tonight, don’t.

Shawn: Yes. We’re going to. But okay.

Dad: Look, just tonight, out of respect for my condition. Please don’t.

Shawn: Yes, sir. We will though. But yeah.

Dad: No. For me, just tonight, don’t.

Elizabeth: You got it, dad. We are, but yeah.

Dad: I’m saying don’t do it.

Elizabeth: You got it.

Shawn: Yeah, we are though.

Dad: I blew my [bleep] off tonight. Please don’t have sex with each other.

[doctor puts oxygen mask on Dad.]

The Last Dance- Extended Scene

Mikey Day

Michel Jordan… Keegan-Michael Key

John… Heidi Gardner

Dennis Rodman… Chris Redd

Phil Jackson… Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mikey speaking]

Mikey narrating: One year ago, my documentary about Michael Jordan’s final season with the Bulls “Last Dance” aired on ESPN. And even though it was 10 hours long, there was so much left on the cutting room floor. So tonight, I’d like to share an extended scene that I think really speaks wo what made Michael Jordan such a great competitor. Enjoy.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan]

Micahel Jordan: Game five, Bulls/Suns, tipoff is in two hours. I’m playing quarters on the wall with my head of security John here. John, say hi.

John: Well, I’m ready for my close up.

Micahel Jordan: So, whoever gets this quarter closest to the wall wins. I’m going to take $5 off of him. Watch this.

John: Alright, we’ll see.

[Micahel Jordan throws the coin]

Oh, how about I take that from you?

[John throws the coin further than Micahel Jordan]

I win!

Micahel Jordan narrating: He won. I was happy for him. But he did that little shrug and I took that personally.

Micahel Jordan: Again.

John: Oh, okay. I think I got another five side on me.

Micahel Jordan: $1000 this time.

John: No, man. I don’t carry that kind of, what do the kids call it? Cheese.

Micahel Jordan: I spot you. I spot you.

[John throws the coin]

John: Oh, no. That’s financially rough for me. My wife’s not going to like that.

Dennis Rodman narrating: See, with Michael, he had to win. That’s what made him great.

[Micahel Jordan wins this time]

Phil Jackson narrating: I mean, he’s about to play for an NBA title and here he is taking little locker room game. Seriously, just amazing.

Micahel Jordan: Well, how much money you owe me now?

John: $9000.

Micahel Jordan: Oh, that’s nothing. You can make that in a day.

John: I can’t.

Micahel Jordan: You can.

[door knocks. Charles Barkley is peeking inside.]

Oh, there he is. The enemy. Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: What’s up? How are y’all doing? Oh, what you’re playing? Quarters to the wall? Man, I love that game. Let me play. What you playing: $5000 a throw?

John: Okay, well you two have fun.

Micahel Jordan: No, no. John, stay.

John: No, because I don’t make that kind of money.

Charles Barkley: Well, bet your pants then.

John: Not gonna look great if I lose my pants. But well… It’s a dream team.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan holding John’s pants]

Micahel Jordan: Oh, look at these pleets.

Charles Barkley: That’s a sharp pleet.

John: Alright, come on. They wouldn’t even fit you, man. Come on. Let me win it back. I’ll get my pants. [throws the coin]

Dennis Rodman narrating: The thing about Michael is he didn’t just want to beat you. He wanted to dominate you.

Micahel Jordan: John, now you owe me a gun.

John: [pulls his gun out] This is loaded.

Dennis Rodman narrating: He wanted to embarrass you.

Micahel Jordan: What’s the bet? You said you’d show it.

[John shows his penis. Everyone’s laughing.]

John: Maybe if I was seven feet tall, mine would look like your’s. Alright? But you know what? It’s a story I can tell the grand kids I showed Michael Jordan my [bleep]. Let’s go again.

Micahel Jordan narrating: If you’re not playing to win, why play?

Charles Barkley: You hustling me, MJ. [handing over a ton of money] But you know what? I’ma settle this on the ocurt.

Micahel Jordan: Shut up. I’ma whoop your ass, man. Hey, John, give me those glasses.

John: Oh, I really need it Mike. I’m security. I got to be able to see.

Micahel Jordan: A bet’s a bet.

John: You’re right. He’s right.

Dennis Rodman narrating: Never throw quarters with Jordan. I wouldn’t do it. I lost everything once.

[John is throwing coin without being able to see.]

Micahel Jordan: One more time. Let’s go.

John: Man, I got nothing left.

Micahel Jordan: One night with your wife.

John: No, man. Alright, let’s go. Come on.

John speaking on the phone: Don’t be like that. It’s just one night. Hello? Okay. She hung up so it’s official. I’m in the dog house.

Micahel Jordan: Let’s go. One more.

John: Mike, I got to say no.

Micahel Jordan: If you win, I’m gonna give everything back. Your’e going to get your ring. You’re going to get your gun. You’re going to get your pants. Everything.

John: And what do you get?

Micahel Jordan: What do I get? Your hair.

John: You have a problem.

Micahel Jordan narrating: What can I say? I like to win.

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places] [Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

High School Graduation

Principal… Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Key

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a student playing violin. She finishes. Everyone claps.]

Principal: Thank you for that wonderful solo, Melissa. Life is indeed a highway. Now, I’d like to ask the class of Chris0ChrisPrincipal to rise as you receive your diplomas and reminder to the families, I’ll be reading a lot of names. So please, hold your applause till the end.

[Principal starts calling names and students start walking to the stage]

Madison Abbott. [light claps]

Quintin Addison. [family shouting for him]

Another reminder, please hold your applause.

Chris: I’m not applauding. I’m yelling.

Punkie: Ay! My baby had a speech prepared.

Principal: I’m sorry. No speeches.

Kenan: Wait, just let him talk as he walks across.

Principal: Sorry, can’t do it. Michael Albright.

[parents yelling]

Keegan: You did it boy. I swear, we didn’t think he was going to make it.

Ego: No. He didn’t read a single book. Should I not say that?

Principal: Like I said–

Ego: [yelling] Michael! Baby. Lift up your robe. I bought him a whole new outfit and he up there dressed like everybody else.

Keegan: Lift up the robe, big man.

Ego: Baby, show them the new belt. I bought him a new belt.

Keegan: It’s Gucci. It’s Gucci. It don’t say it, but it is. My man’s a baller, man. Look at he graduating magnum like his father. Magnum cum louder.

Principal: Please. Let’s move on. Danetta Andrews.

Kenan: Ay, that’s our little cousin.

Punkie: Danetta, you better smile, girl. You did it. Oh, she embarrassed because she ain’t got adult teeth growing yet.

Chris: Go ahead. Smile, girl, It’s your day. Show the world them tic tac teeth.

Kenan: She sad because she got more gums than she got teeth.

Chris: Looking like a race horse, like a little cap and gown sea biscuits.

Principal: Okay. Thank you. Let’s keep going. Simon Alexander.

Ego: Whoo! That’s my little godson.

Keegan: Simon, my man. Ay! Simon. Ay! Do the backflip. Big man, do the backflip. He’s probably going to do the backflip.

Ego: He did. We’d like to call him Simon Biles, because he’s a gymnast.

Keegan: Ay. This boy never stop backflipping. This boy can flip his ass off.

[The student is embarrassed and signals them to shut up.]

Keegan: What? Are you scared? Oh, you want to punk out? Oh, damn, man. See, all that backflipping for what?

Ego: Okay. Simon, you better stop playing with me. He making me look bad. I never for a godson that’s a non-flipping little bitch.

Principal: Please. Please. Okay, can we keep our comments to minimum. We’ve got almost 200 names here. Now, before I read the next name, please remember to keep quiet. Here we go. Leticia Allen.

Kenan: Oh! White girl name Leticia?

Punkie: I did not see that coming.

Chris: Upset of the year.

Principal: Once again. Please no comments. Specially these two families over here.

Ego: Hold on, is he really pointing at us?

Keegan: I know he ain’t pointing at us in this day and age.

Principal: Tiffany Atwood.

Beck: Tiffany!

Aidy: Whoo! You did it. You graduated!

Andrew: We are so going to David Buster’s after this.

Principal: Please. I just asked for silence.

Aidy: Well, sorry sir. She’s a first one in our family to graduate.

Beck: Yeah, we’re going to get a Bentley.

Principal: I highly doubt that.

Aidy: Excuse me, but our daughter got a prestigious internship with PF Chang.

Principal: That’s a restaurant.

Aidy: Well, did you get in?

Principal: I have been there. Yes.

Aidy: Okay, then. So, you know it’s good.

Beck: Ay! You remind me of this guy back home who used to touch kids. What’s his name? Trevor. Hey, is your name Trevor?

Principal: This is not a Q&A sir.

Mikey: Well, if I had known that nobody was going to follow the rules, I would have cheered.

Ego: Sir, go ahead then. You can cheer. Hey principal! Let this man’s child go again.

Principal: No. It doesn’t work that way.

All: Come on! Man!

Principal: Fine. Madison Abbott.

Lauren: Wow!

Mikey: Whoo!

Heidi: Good job, Madison.

Lauren: Nice one, girl.

Keegan: For real? What the hell was that?

Ego: Ya’ll are embarrassing.

Kenan: Boo! We fought for you.

Punkie: Baby, you come live with us.

Chris: That’s right, little white baby, we’ll feed you biscuits and cheer while you eat.

Beck: I think everyone just freaked out because principal’s a kid toucher.

Principal: Okay. No! You know what? I think we’re done. I’m just going to arrange for the rest of the graduates to get their diplomas in the mail. Okay? Thank you

Keegan: I like that man. Keeps things short. That’s good.

Ego: I ain’t even mad. Gives us more time to celebrate.

Beck: Great idea, kid toucher. Now, where do we pick up the Bentley?

Gemma & DJ Balls

Alex Moffat

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Punkie Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

DJ Balls… Keegan-Michael Key

Gemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of friends in a restaurant.]

Alex: Guys, let’s hear it for the birthday boy.

All: Gene! Gene! Gene!

Gene: No, no, no. Don’t do that. I don’t need all of that. But, thank you.

Punkie: Wait, where’s Lisa?

Heidi: Yeah, Gene. Where is Lisa?

Gene: She’s not here because she left me today.

Heidi: Your wife left you on your birthday?

Gene: Yes. Today is the two week mark after her second Pfizer shot. She said that she was finally free.

Alex: Oh! I’m sorry, man.

Gene: That’s okay. This is still nice. A nice quiet sad birthday dinner.

[There are two performers at the stage]

DJ Balls: TGI Friday’s outdoor dining area, make some noise for my man Gene on his birthday!

Gemma: Pew, pew, pew. Happy birthday Gene.

Gene: Okay. What’s all this now?

Punkie: Well, we hired a band before we knew  you were sad.

DJ Balls: Okay. This one goes out to Gene and his gorgeous faithful wife Lisa. That crazy covid couldn’t keep their love down.

Gemma: Aw, so sweet.

DJ Balls: So tonight, instead of going six feet apart, they’re going six inches deep. What? What?

Alex: Gene, do you want to go home?

Gene: No, I’m fine. I mean, they’re good.

DJ Balls: Alright, let’s do this.

Gemma: [singing badly] one shot, two shot, three shot, four
Pfizer’s got so much more
who knows what this vaccine’s for?
Only shot I need is yours

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: Give me that sharp sensation

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore.

DJ Balls: Right there. Thank you. Okay. So, if you’re wondering who we are, I’m DJ Balls.

Gemma: And I’m Gemma. I’m British.

DJ Balls: And tell me what you told me about the UK.

Gemma: We totally spread wide open now.

DJ Balls: Wow. Wide open. Yeah. How sexy is that? Birthday boy, sure. He sure thinks so. Look at him.

Gemma: Barry, stop.

DJ Balls: No. Look at him. He’s trying so hard to hold his thing down, he’s about to poke out of the top is his collar.

Heidi: Gene, are you aroused?

Gene: I don’t think so.

DJ Balls: Wait, Gene? Gene Diradusio? Is that you? No way! It’s me, man! Darrius John Balls. DJ Balls.

Gene: Oh my god.

Punkie: Wait, Gene. You know musicians?

Gene: No. I know him from a pickup artist workshop that we took together.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But then you married that crazy girl Lisa.

Gemma: Aw, so lucky. A love love. It’s little things, you know?

Gene: Well, she left. She got tired of being in quarantine with me.

Gemma: Aw, cuddles to you. Quarantine’s really hard. I had to learn how to do me own bum bleeching.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But I tell you, you got it down, trust me. Because that little thing glows in the dark.

Gemma: Barry!

DJ Balls: Hey, Gene, what’s wrong? Is what we’re talking about making your boys blue?

Gemma: Babe, don’t make me laugh. I’m afraid I’ll toot and it really hurts because of bleaching.

Gene: Okay. Maybe I think I’ll go.

Heidi: Wait. Because your boys are blue? Do you want to go and take care of that, Gene?

Gene: No. I’m not blue. I mean, I guess I am a little bit about my wife leaving.

Gemma: Aw! Then we’re dedicating this next song to you and your wife.

[singing] Feeling naughty
because I got those antibodies
but I got nobody
to feel my body
cause I lost my hottie
and I think he forgot me

I miss you babe, I’ll let you do whatever

I’m Gemma.

DJ Balls: Wow! Oh my god! Look at Gene. He’s hard as a math problem. His eyes are watering from the pressure of holding that thing down.

Chris: Oh, Gene, are you feeling pressure down there? Your eyes are watery.

Gene: Because I’m crying. That song made me think about my wife.

Gemma: Aw, don’t be sad. You’ll see her again in heaven.

Gene: She’s not dead. Oh, that’s great news. Girl power.

Alex: Wait, Gene. You just got a text on your phone from Lisa.

All: Read it! Read it!

Gene: It says – Gene, I made a mistake. Please forgive me. I’m waiting for you at home.

Heidi: Gene, go to her.

Gene: I’m going to. I just can’t stand up right now.

DJ Balls: Oh, Gene. I knew your boys were blue.

Gemma: Aw, another happy ending.

DJ Balls: Speaking of– [plays music] [singing] Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore

Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand] [Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Cowboy Standoff

Earl… Kyle Mooney

Louisa… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Jasper.. Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Leron… Elon Musk

[Starts with a group of cowboys running around town]

Male voice: Tell ’em, the Pearl River gang ain’t messing around.

[Cut to Earl inside a bar. He is shot.]

Louisa: Oh my goodness, Earl!

[Earl groaning] [Four men rush in]

Beck: We came as soon as we could.

Jasper: What happened?

Louisa: The Pearl River gang came through town. They shot Earl.

Earl: I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.

Jasper: That gang is out of control. We got to do something about it.

Kenan: Well, they’s always holed up in them foothills outside of Santa Fe. I reckon we go and give them taste of their own medicine.

Beck: Run straight at ’em, guns blazing.

Jasper: Hoo-whee! Let’s ride!

Leron: Or… hear me out on this. We can tunnel down into the earth and come up underneath them.

Beck: What?

Leron: They’re expecting a direct attack. But if we tunnel into the earth, we could come up underneath them and surprise them.

Jasper: Oh my god, there gives the genius talking about tunnels.

Louisa: Tunnels? Leron, I thought you was the electric horse guy.

Kenan: Yeah, isn’t that your’s plugged in outside?

[There’s a horse outside tied to a Tesla charging station.]

Leron: Sure. I do like, electric horses and self driving horses which are just horses. But I’ve also built a machine that can dig a tunnel 10 times faster than a gopher. I propose that we use it to ambush the Pearls River gang. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Beck: The hell you laughing at?

Leron: I just realized that Pearls River is an anagram for prevail err. Perhaps their prevailing error is not expecting sneak attack. He-he-he-he-he.

Jasper: Is this guy, like, slow?

Kenan: Yeah. Why you always saying stuff like that? Leron? Just be normal. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

Leron: Hmm.

Jasper: Ah! Dammit! Now he’s thinking about reinventing a new kind of wheel.

Beck: And besides, if we ambush that gang, we’ll never find out where they hid all their gold.

Leron: Oh yeah. I was thinking about that too. What if instead of panning for gold, we just create our own currency?

Kenan: Currency?

Jasper: Yeah. And what the heck would it be based on?

Leron: Whatever we say it’s based on?

Beck: [yelling] That ain’t how money works! Money is the golden rock that we dig out of the ground. Then we hope no one kills us before we trade it for pieces of green paper. It’s a perfect system.

Louisa: I don’t know, guys. Leron sounds pretty rich. I mean, smart. I think maybe I should spend some time with him upstairs so you guys check down that gang.

Leron: I would love nothing more than to fornicate with you, Louisa. But the overwhelming odds are that you have syphilis.

Louisa: Excuse me?

Leron: It’s actually a compliment. It means you’re successful at your job, which is a prostitute.

Louisa: Oh, well then, thank you, Leron. See? This is is a gentleman.

Beck: Then I’d just like to say I think you have syphilis as well.

Louisa: Hey! [slaps Beck] It don’t work when you say it. When Leron says it, it’s fine. Because he’s eccentric.

Jasper: Alright, enough! Okay, look. It’s not like Leron’s always right about everything.

Kenan: Yeah, what about that time we robbed a bank and he refuse to wear a mask?

Leron: Okay. For a while, I thought masks were dumb. But now I admit, masks make sense.

Jasper: Okay, see? Now, the plan is simple. The Pearl River gang came after us with guns, we’re going after them with guns. End of story.

Leron: Now let’s take a vote. Who wants to follow Jasper to a gun fight that will almost certainly result in your death. And who wants to do mine, genius tunnel plan?

All: Gun fight.

Leron: Hah! I don’t know why I even try.

Earl: Hey, I’m in too. Just need a minute.

Louisa: Oh, Earl.

[singing] He might not be the best at drinks
he might give off a couple of stinks,

but of all bartenders in the world
we don’t know one as fun as Earl

Leron: Wait, the closing song was about Earl? But I’m making the old west the new west.

All: [singing] Earl!

Male voice: History always remembered, Earl.

Star Trek Spinoff

Captain… Beck Bennett

Corporal… Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

McKenna… Carey Mulligan

Zachary… Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Paramount+, we thought of the plusing before Disney. We now return to the Startrek prequel: Starcharter Andromeda.

[Cut to the ship]

Captain: What’s the situation, corporal?

Corporal: It’s not good, sir. Solar flair scrambled the ship’s computers. All proportion and guidance systems have gone dark.

Ego: The ship is dead and we’re headed towards the Medusa blackhole.

Alex: If we cross it’s even horizon, there’s no escape.

Captain: How do we fix this?

Bowen: We’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work.

Captain: There’s got to be a way. Does anyone have an idea?

McKenna: Hi. I know I’m just a Consol Lout, but maybe we can try unplugging it and plugging it back in?

Corporal: What? Are you serious? This is ridiculous.

McKenna: [being emotional] I’m sorry I’m such a big dumb idiot. [storms outside]

Zachary: McKenna, wait! [yelling] I cannot believe you just did that.

Captain: Who are they and what was that?

Bowen: I don’t know who they are but I always see them in the hallway having intense conversations in hush tones.

Alex: Yes. And according to the crew log, captain, they just graduated from a small expensive Star Fleet Academy.

Ego: You know, my gut tells me they’re just rich white kids who for the first time are experiencing a world that doesn’t revolve around them.

Corporal: Alright. Well, we’ve got bigger problems.

[McKenna and Zachary walk back]

McKenna: Yeah. You’re right. Thank you, Zachary.

Zachary: I mean, they’re toxic. This whole place is literally toxic.

Captain: The anti-matter accelerator. We could route it’s power to propulsion systems.

Alex: The risk of overload is very high, captain. That is a very dangerous option.

Bowen: But it just might work.

Zachary: Um, excuse me?

McKenna: Zachary, don’t!

Zachary: No, they were wrong. McKenna is too polite and awesome and too beautiful to say it, so I will. I think you owe her an apology.

Corporal: I don’t owe her a thing. We’re dealing with a life and death emergency.

McKenna: [shocked] Stop gaslighting me. [storms out]

Zachary: McKenna, stop!

Corporal: What’s going on with your friend?

Zachary: McKenna is dealing with a lot right now, you have no idea.

Corporal: A lot? Is it worse than drifting into a blackhole?

Zachary: Yes. Her parents might be selling her childhood home.

Ego: Might be?

[Chloe runs in]

Chloe: Zachary, McKenna is threatening to jump out into space.

Zachary: No! No, McKenna! Move! [storms out]

Captain: Should someone check on her?

Bowen: No. She threatens to jump out into space everyday. It’s fine.

Ego: Captain, if we’re going to power up the inter-matter accelerator, we need to do it now.

Alex: Think carefully, captain. The lives of every soul on board are at stake.

[McKenna and Zachary walk in]

McKenna: I would like to speak my truth to you.

Corporal: Not now.

Zachary: Yes! Yes, now. Go ahead, McKenna.

McKenna: I will not let you take my power away. My name is McKenna McLord Davies and my voice has value.

Zachary: [pointing at Corporal] My best friend’s voice has value.

Corporal: [pushing Zachary’s hand away] Get your finger out of my face.

Zachary: Oh my god, let go of me. You’re hurting me.

McKenna: Stop killing him.

Chloe: [recording through phone] You’re on videotape, ma’am. Stop assaulting my friend.]

Corporal: I’m not. When a commanding officer asks you to do something, you do it. You understand?

Zachary: My arm. She broke my arm.

McKenna: You broke his arm.

Captain: Everyone, quiet! Look, we’re now approaching a blackhole. We’re already inside it.

Zachary: Sir, she broke my arm. I need the rest of the day off.

Captain: Put these guys in the airlock now!

[They throw three of them out in the space.]

Minnesota News Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kate McKinnon

Craig… Alex Moffat

Calvin… Chris Redd

[Starts with “Eye On Minnesota” intro] [cheers and applause] [Cut to the set. There are four hosts. Kenan and Ego are black, Kate and Craig are white.]

Kenan: Good afternoon and welcome to KDBD mid-day news, “Eye One Minnesota”.

Ego: It’s been a tough week for news. There’s so much to get into. But first, we start with the trial of Derek Chauvin.

Kate: Yes. I just want to say this has been highly emotional for everybody, I’m sure.

Ego: Definitely. I mean, watching this trial brought back so many bad feelings from last summer.

Kenan: I know. I felt myself getting angry all over again.

Craig: Absolutely.

Kate: Well, I thought the prosecution did an excellent job questioning the medical examiner.

Ego: He sure did.

Kenan: Yup.

Craig: But the video footage alone should tell you everything you need to know about what happened.

Kenan: Kenan00%

Ego: No doubt about it.

Craig: Okay. And hopefully, justice will be served.

Kenan: That’d be nice.

Kate: Sounds like we all agree. There’s no way Derek Chauvin walks away from this.

Kenan: Well…

Ego: I’m not going to say that.

Craig: Wait a second. You guys aren’t buying into Chauvin’s defense, are you?

Kenan: Of course, not.

Ego: I mean, the defense trying to make a case that George Floyd’s drug use was somehow responsible is just deplorable.

Kenan: It was a clear act of desperation to create doubt where there is none.

Kate: Exactly. And there’s no way that juries are going to fall for that.

Kenan: I’m not saying that.

Craig: Well, wait. So, what are you guys trying to say?

Kenan: Look, y’all seem like good people.

Ego: Let’s just say we’ve seen this movie before.

Kenan: Boom.

Kate: You know what? That’s fair. I think skepticism of the legal process is valid.

Kenan: Yes.

Ego: That’s all we’re saying.

Kate: Yes. Historically, police have gotten away in other cases like this.

Kenan: Historically?

Ego: She means every single time.

Kenan: Oh. That.

Kate: But after all the protests that happened last summer, there’s no way this doesn’t go the way we hope.

Kenan: She means well. She means well.

Ego: I don’t know what she is talking about.

Craig: Okay, hang on. You guys are going to at least admit this country has made a lot of progress recently, yes?

Kenan: For who?

Ego: When?

Kate: Maybe don’t go there?

Craig: Okay.

Kenan: No, no, no. Please. Go there, Craig.

Ego: Yes. I do want to hear what Craig Jorgensen has to say about the black experience.

Craig: Okay. Look, I want to choose my words carefully here. So, to quote Thomas Jefferson–

Kenan: Uh-uh!

Ego: Did he just say Thomas Jefferson?

Kenan: That’s a bad start.

Kate: Let’s get another opinion on this.

Craig: Yes. Let’s ask our weather man, Calvin.

Kenan: [yelling] Yes, let’s ask Calvin.

Craig: Calvin.

[Calvin is also black]

Calvin: Man, don’t put me into this mess. I’m still in hot water for being in that Paul Pierce video.

Kate: No, this is important. We want to hear from you.

Calvin: Look, I don’t want to get fired. But obviously it’s an opening shut case.

Craig: Thank you.

Kate: That’s what we were saying.

Craig: Yes.

Calvin: That being said, he’s a white cop in Minnesota, so I’m against probation with pay, tops.

Kenan: You feel me? You feel me?

Ego: Yes, that part. that part.

Kate: Fine. Maybe you’re right, but for the sake of our city, I hope justice is finally served.

Kenan: Agreed.

Ego: I’m with you there.

Craig: Yes. Absolutely.

Kenan: The last thing we want is another riot.

Ego: Amed to that.

Craig: And I think we can all agree that no matter how bad things are, destroying property is never the answer.

Kenan: What?

Ego: I wouldn’t say never.

Kenan: I mean, it’s just property.

Ego: There’s insurance.

Craig: Sorry, but it’s not just property. I mean, I just think protest should be non-violent.

Kenan: Well, thank you for that little note, Craig.

Ego: Yes. We’ll be sure to tell the others, Craig Matthew Jorgensen.

Craig: Okay, that’s not fair.

Ego: Okay. This is getting a little heated. Maybe we should move on.

Kate: I think this is a good dialog.

Craig: I hear it. Yes. This is how we reach in understanding. And you know, at least we agree on the obvious stuff.

Ego: Like there is glaring discrepancy in the way black people are treated by police?

Kate: Of course.

Craig: Can’t deny that.

Kenan: And we need concrete solutions to fix this problem.

Craig: No argument there.

Kate: I’ve been saying this all along.

Ego: Okay. And we start with reparation.

Craig: Now wait, just a minute.

Kate: Interesting.

Kenan: Oh, that was a good try.

Ego: I thought I had them.

Kenan: You know what? Let’s just go to the weather report. Calvin.

Calvin: Sure, man. We’re in Minnesota. So, rest of April, cold. May, cold. June, cold. July, somehow hot as hell. Back to you y’all.

Craig: Thanks, Calvin. Thanks, pal. Okay, so what else is on the news, Joanne?

Kate: Well, more sad news this week. Unfortunately, we lost royalty yesterday.

Kenan: Oh, I’m glad you brought this up.

Ego: The rapper DMX died.

Kate: I’m sorry. I was talking about the prince.

Kenan: The Prince?

Ego: Girl, Prince been dead.

Craig: Sorry, she means prince Phillip of England.

Kenan: Megan Markle’s boyfriend?

Kate: He was married to Queen Elizabeth.

Ego: I don’t know who that is.

Kenan: Yeah, he the king. Is it a king?

Ego: I don’t know.

Kate: There’s got to be one news story we can all agree on?

Craig: What about Matt Gaetz?

Kate: Ah!

All: Awful guy!

Kenan: Nasty as hell.

Calvin: But when you think about it, 17 isn’t that young.

Kenan: No. No, man. See, that’s why you in trouble. That’s why you in trouble, Calvin.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating After Covid

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With the rate of vaccinations picking up, singles are navigating the post covid dating scene for the first time. Here with his advice is the guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Sack meat’s back, alright! Hey there, Jost-er coaster. Long time, no whee!

Colin Jost: No man, it’s really bad.

The guy: Hey, loosen up, Jost-infection. We could use a little humor right now. That was a rough two weeks in Quar.

Colin Jost: Two weeks? I thought it was a full year.

The guy: Yeah, maybe for the plebes. I was living it up in caymans with my main man, army ham. He answers my calls now, hey-ho!

Colin Jost: yeah, I bet he does. What’s your advice for dating now that things are reopening?

The guy: Right. Okay, so in person dating is back. Good bye FaceTime. Hello, ‘sit on my face’ time. It’s time to start the spread. But before you get on on the scene, you want to get them vaxed on their backs. So, take her down to the Javits center for a little ‘jab and enter’ with your Johnson&Johnson. I have an awful penis. And remember, these are dry times. So, she’s so desperate to catch some moby-dick, she’ll practically throw her harpoon, [pointing at himself] worse lay guaranteed. Then you are ‘bing’, free to move about the country. So, put on your best vinny vines and blade your babe out to the east end of long Izzy because remember, the hampies drop the panties. Rocking and showed. Hit up an outdoor BBQ which of course stands for “Babe, be quiet. Me pee-nee [pointing at his penis] no worka!” Oh? Now, if your gal’s an anti-vaxxer, first off, hot. And secondè, no proba, just check in before you’re sexing to see if she is testing because she could bee ass-symptomatic. Remember to swab those nostril, Jost-rol, because I treat covid test like I play foreplay – Colin Jost5 seconds on each side.

Colin Jost: Each side? What?

The guy: And pretty soon, she’ll be getting social with your D and purring those magical words, “I waited a year for that?”

Colin Jost: Wow, man. What if covid cases rise again?

The guy: Hakuna-ma-tata, compadre. No worries. Just have a date in Fresco with the old apartmento. Order some Uber eats, pour some vino grigio and play a little PS5. You know, let crash banda-ku, smash hand and koot. I’m done before Enrique.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said what?

The guy: I said I own a boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat, everyone.

The guy: Flappy Kiester!