Weekend Update Film Critic Terry Fink’s Spring Movie Review | Season 44 Episode 17

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: It’s time for spring movies. Here to give us his picks for the season is film critic Terry Fink.

[Terry Fink joins Colin Jost]

Terry Fink: Mr. Jost. A pleasure.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Terry. Now, I hear you watched every single film coming out this spring.

Terry Fink: That’s right. And I couldn’t have done it without a little trend called Macro Dosing.

Colin Jost: Sorry, did you say macro dosing?

Terry Fink: Yes. First up, superhero smash, Captain marvel. [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of Captain Marvel at left top corner of the screen] No surprise here, this film is a marvel of cinema. however I can’t say I love the climax of the film in which Captain Marvel turns into a bat and has sex with my high school gym teacher. But it’s still the best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, Terry, I don’t remember that scene you described. Did you say macro dosing? Because I think you meant micro dosing. Right?Like hallucinogenics.

Terry Fink: Ain’t nothing micro about these doses. LSD helps me see all these wonderful films. Now, let’s talk [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of Dumbo at left top corner of the screen] ‘Dumbo’. With big ears and an even bigger heart, Dumbo is a terrifying journey through hell. Amostly grabled mess of colors and shapes. This bizarre remake of Bryan Cranston’s “Trumbo”, never quite finds it’s footing. But, just like an elephant, you’ll never forget it’s touching Jihadi message. I couldn’t stop crying or laughing or swearing or biting the fellow next to me. I give it three screaming hot dogs and one Dr. Robotic. Marcus?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m Colin. How much LSD are you taking?

Terry Fink: Please. Who are you? The cop I slapped? Now, pass out the cigars, papa, because A Star Is Born.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that came out months ago.

Terry Fink: Oh, Colin, you still believe in time? [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of A Star Is Born at left top corner of the screen] There’s nothing shallow about Bradley Cooper’s performance as a pockmarked speed freak trying to smooch me in a Penn station stairwell. Mmwa! No thanks, Dante. Sadly, I was not as impressed by Lady Gaga who frankly pissed me off as that times square Elmo tried to pull my pants down. And 14 days without sleep, the film is a tad long but I give it two ketchup packets and 36 missed calls from my wife. Jesus?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Terry, I think you should get some help man.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha. Swish. Fun fact, when you talk, I see Japanese subtitles. That’s why I give you fingernail clipping and one slender man wearing a Zoot suit.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much, Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I’m fine!

New Video Game

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Knox… Ego Nwodim

Damian… Kit Harrington

Ethan… Mikey Day

Zombie… Chris Redd

[Starts with Pete Davidson going to play a VR video game in a video game store]

Pete Davidson: Dude, you’re going to love this game. Are the graphics as insane as everybody says they are?

Alex Moffat: Are you kidding me? “Earth War 3” It makes “Earth War 2” look like a Mario game. And in VR, forget about it.

Pete Davidson: Dope. Let’s smoke some zombies. [Cut to Video game] Yo, it’s like I’m actually there.

Alex Moffat: Right?

[Damian looks at the player]

Damian: Hey, you must be the new special division agent. I’m Damien. I run the safe house where you can upgrade gear and check progress. But first, find the weapons room.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Oh, wow. All right. I’m going to get the biggest gun they have.

Alex Moffat: Do it, dude.

[Cut to video game. Player walks to Ethan.]

Ethan: Hey, agent. I’m Ethan. I run the safe house with Damien. This is your mission hub. Or it will be once I get it up and running.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Uh, cool. Not here to talk. [Cut to Pete and Alex] Where are the guns at?

[Cut to video game. Player is looking for a gun, but runs into Damian.]

Damian: Hey, it’s me, Damien. I saw you talking to Ethan. I heard him say we run the safe house together. We don’t. I run it. He helps.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: All right.

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: Ethan’s nice but his ideas aren’t great. Like his mission hub.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: I just want to shoot zombies but these helper guys keep bending my ear.

Alex Moffat: Oh, NPCs? If you don’t want to talk to them, just hit ‘B’, dude!

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: Hey, I heard something weird about Ethan.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Skip.

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: I get it. You’re a busy man. Now go kick some ass.

[Ethan calls the player]

Ethan: Agent, there’s a zombie horde in sector 3. Come with me to gear up.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Finally. Thank you.

[Cut to video game. Ethan takes Player to a room.]

Ethan: Hey, I lied about the whole zombie horde thing so we can talk alone.

Pete Davidson: No!

Ethan: Is Damien like, mad at me? I think he’s jealous of the mission hub because it was my idea. Or it’s something else. What do you think?

[Three options appear in the game] [Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Shut up.

[Cut to video game. Ethan is talking to the Player.] [Pete presses skip button]

Ethan: Oh, I understand. You don’t have time to talk but let me guess, you have time to talk to Damien. This place is so toxic.

[Ethan leaves the room]

Pete Davidson: Are you kidding me?

[Damian enters the room]

Damian: Oh, my god. What wasn’t all that about?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Can I kill these guys?

[Pete starts hitting Damian] [Cut to video game. Player is hitting Damian.]

Damian: Watch it. Ouch. Be careful. Wa- Wa- Watch it.

Pete Davidson: Skip.

Damian: I get it, you’re a busy man. Go kick some ass.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Guns, now please!

[Cut to video game. Player gets out of the room and runs into Knox.]

Knox: Agent. There you are. I’m Knox, section commander. I’ll cut to the chase. What’s going on with Ethan and Damien? Get real with the bitch.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: No!

[Cut to video game. Knox is talking to the player.]

Knox: We’ll talk later. Anyway, the weapons storage room is that way. Good luck.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Oh, my god, finally!

[Cut to video game. Player walks to the weapons storage but runs into Ethan and Damian.]

Ethan: Hey, agent. Damien and I are hashing some stuff out.

Pete Davidson: No!

Damian: Yeah, we’re going to need a minute alone.

[Ethan closes the door]

Video Game Announcer: Storage room locked.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Are you kidding me?

[Cut to video game. Ethan and Damian are talking.]

Ethan: Any idea that’s not yours.

Damian: I mean, every time now, Ethan, for god’s sake.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Screw it, I’m going out without a gun.

Alex: Yeah!

[Cut to video game. Player opens the lab door.]

Video Game Announcer: Lab door open.

[Player walks outside the lab. A zombie confronts him.]

Zombie: Rawr! What’s the deal with Ethan and Damien?

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: No!

[Cut to video game]

Video Game Announcer: Game over!