White House Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Michael Flynn… Mikey Day

Billy Bush… Alex Moffatt

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in White House]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. President, are you sure that you don’t want to stay at the Christmas party longer? Coz everyone is celebrating this huge tax bill. Mitch McConnell is serving everyone bourbon. I got so drunk I told the truth.

Donald Trump: Sorry, Kellyanne. I’m in poudy baby mode. This Flynn investigation has really got me down.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, come on, sir. The tax bill is your biggest achievement yet. In that, it is your only achievement.

Donald Trump: Sorry, I’m not in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that cheers me up with these hilarious Muslim videos that I’ve been retweeting. Lex Cruise says Barf Hamburg. So, please, you go ahead and enjoy the party.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Anything I can get you before I go?

Donald Trump: Um, yes. One little thing. I want you to withdraw $5 million from my bank account and put it in a duffle bag with my passport, a fake mustache and a bucket of chicken.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, sir. Goodnight.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Kellyanne. This is the time I’d like to reflect on all the good things I have done this year. It’ll only take a minute. [as Donald Trump is thinking, it gets all smoky] Wait, what’s that?

[Michael Flynn comes out of the smoke. He is chained.]

Michael Flynn: Donald J. Trump. Donald J. Trump!

Donald Trump: Oh god! You’ve come to get me. I knew it. It’s the Muslim stuff, right?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: It’s for calling Mexican rapists?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Roy Moore stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Draft dodging?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The birthing stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Pocahontas?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Central Park fight? No, wait! Making fun of the handicapped Portland like this. [Donald Trump makes faces]

Michael Flynn: No, sir! Sir! I’m not here for any of that.

Donald Trump: So, who are you? Jacob Marley? You’ve got a lot of chains on.

Michael Flynn: No. I’m Michael Flynn. The ghost of witness Flict. Mr. President, I came to warn you. It’s time for you to come clean. For the good of the country.

Donald Trump: What the good of the?

Michael Flynn: The good of the country.

Donald Trump: The gobada-come-come?

Michael Flynn: This is serious, sir! The FBI got to me. Before all this, I had a great life, Donald. I was an honorable twice fired military man who loved to talk about how Hillary Clinton had a child sex ring in a pizza shop.

Donald Trump: Oh, Mikey, my man. You led the locker up, cheered the convention. Who knew you had so much dirt on you when you passed? If only somebody had warned me about you.

Michael Flynn: Well, president Obama did tell you not to hire me.

Donald Trump: I meant someone who is American.

Michael Flynn: Mr. President. There was a lot of people from your past that could come back to haunt you. Tonight, we’ll be visited by three of them. There’s the first one. No!

[Michael Flynn leaves. Billy Bush walks out of the smoke]

Donald Trump: Billy Bush?

Billy Bush: Um-hmm. Yep! I’m here to remind you of bad Hollywood tape, my man! Can you believe I got fired just for listening to you? Whoof! And then you got elected president. And now, you’re saying the bad tape isn’t even real? What?

Donald Trump: You’ll be fine, Billy. I’m sure you’ll find work again.

Billy Bush: Well, I hope so. Frankly, I’m looking pretty good in the NBC news division right about now. Remember Donald, these things catch up with all of us. If you worked at NBC right now, you’d be fired. Fired! Fired!

[Billy Bush slowly walks away]

Donald Trump: Wait! Come back! Where did you go?

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald? Where did who go?

Donald Trump: Melania, I’m sorry. I was just working.

Melania Trump: Okay, but come down to the party. You have to see my decorations. It’s a beautiful festive hallway of dead branches and mysterious shadows. And then when you open the elevator, blood comes out.

Donald Trump: Oh. Sounds wonderful but I’m so tired.

Melania Trump: Okay, but Donald, we need someone to put up the manger scene. Mike Pence was going to do it but his wife doesn’t want him playing with dolls because she’s afraid it will give him urges.

Donald Trump: Umm, I’m sorry, Melania. I can’t, but you go. I’ll be down in a minute. [Melania Trump walks out. The smokes appears again.] Oh, no. It’s happening again.

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the smoke. He is topless.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Oh my! Vladimir? You must be my present.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. Donald, you can’t hide from me. I see and hear everything you do.

Donald Trump: Because you’re a ghost?

Vladimir Putin: Yes. I’m ghost. Listen, we put a lot of work into you. So much time and money. And you’re about to mess it all up. You seem so volatile.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, Vladimir, but I promise I’ll be more diplomatic with North Korea and that fat little psycho who runs it.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa! Trump, you have to chill out, broski!

Donald Trump: Vladimir, look, I’ve always wanted to ask you this. Do you think I’m cool?

Vladimir Putin: Look, I have to go. Ha-ha.

Donald Trump: So, that’s a yes?

Vladimir Putin: I just have to go. Someone else is coming. They’re coming.

[Vladimir Putin walks out. Michael Flynn walks in again.]

Michael Flynn: Don’t you see, Mr. President? Any one of these spirits could bring you down. But the scariest one is yet to come. Oh, no! It approaches.

Donald Trump: Mike, I’m too scared to look.

[Someone walks out of smoke wearing a cloak covering the face.]

Oh, thank god, Steve Bannon. You’re here to save the day with your terrible white magic? Wait, who are you?

[When the person shows face, it’s Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha. Merry Christmas! Ha-ha. [cheers and applause] It is I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Ha-ha. You, Donald have given me the greatest Christmas gift of all. Sexual gratification in the form of your slow demise. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say this. Lock him up!

[Michael Flynn and Hillary Clinton walk out]

Donald Trump: No! No!

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald! Donald! Are you alright?

Donald Trump: Oh god, Melania, I’m so scared. These spirits, they showed me things. I know what I need to do now. I need to erase seasons 1 through 14 of The Apprentice, fire Robert Mueller, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Race

Ian… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffatt

Chris Redd

Kevins… Kyle Mooney

Lindsay… Saoirse Ronan

Mrs. Routs…Saoirse Ronan

[Starts with Ian running somewhere in the office. He’s wearing a black suit. He crosses the hallway, passes many staffs and reaches to Alex and Chris. Alex is looking at the timer.]

Alex: Eight seconds flat.

Chris: Even better than last week.

Ian: Wow. I didn’t think I could get any faster.

[Kevins walks in]

Oh, I see you finally made it to work, Kevins. What happened? Did you walk here?

[everyone laughing]

Kevins: [sarcastically] Really funny, Ian.

[Kevins takes his seat. Lindsay is looking at him. She sits just at the next desk.]

Lindsay: Hey, you okay?

Kevins: Yeah. I’m fine.

[Mrs. Routs walks in]

Mrs. Routs: Good morning, everyone.

All: Good morning, Mrs. Routs.

Mrs. Routs: As you all know, it’s a big week for us. So I printed out some copies of– Oh, no! I left them down the hall.

[Ian suddenly starts running, comes back with the prints and gives them to Mrs. Routs.]

Wow! Okay, well, everyone take a good look at these and keep it up, Ian. That was fast.

Ian: Thank you, Mrs. Routs.

[Cut to Kevins and Lindsay]

Kevins: I hate him.

Lindsay: So he’s fast, big deal.

Kevins: You don’t get it. When you can run like that, you’ve got it all. Money, all of those.

Lindsay: Why don’t you race him?

Kevins: I haven’t run for years.

Lindsay: You used to run around the office all the time.

[Cut to video clip of Kevins running around the office and everybody clapping for him] [Cut back to Kevins and Lindsay]

Kevins: Yeah. But then this happened.

[Kevins shows Lindsay a hole on his pants.]

Lindsay: So you made it complete fool out of yourself once. Who’s to say you can’t run fast again?

Kevins: And risk getting another hole in my pants? I’d rather [bleep] kill myself.

[Mrs. Routs walks in]

Mrs. Routs: And one more thing, I’m gonna need someone to run down the hall and pick up the signed documents tomorrow.

[Lindsay stands]

Lindsay: Kevins will do it.

Ian: What?

[Others are laughing]

Kevins: [whispering] What the hell are you doing?

Mrs. Routs: Kevins? Huh, well, I’ll let you guys decide.

[Ian, Alex and Chris walk to Kevins]

Ian: Well, well, well. What have you gotten yourself into, Kevins? Why don’t you leave it to somebody who isn’t slow?

[Alex and Chris are laughing]

Kevins: Okay, Ian, you wanna get the signed documents? Why don’t we race for it? Winner gets the signed documents.

Ian: Alright, Kevins, after hours, reception, be there. That is if you’re not too busy being slow.

[Ian, Alex and Chris jog away.]

Kevins: What have I gotten myself into?

Lindsay: Listen, I’ll train you.

Kevins: What?

Lindsay: I used to run fast too. Well, before this happened.

[Lindsay shows Kevins two holes on her pants.]

Kevins: Oh!

Lindsay: I understand if you don’t want my help.

[Lindsay turns and walks away]

Kevins: Wait, Lindsay. Or should I say, coach?

[Cut to Kevins walking. It looks like he’s trying to run. Lindsay is looking at him looking at the timer.]

Lindsay: Faster. I think my work here is done.

[Cut to Ian and Kevins getting ready to race. Lindsay had a gun in her hand.]

Kevins: Good luck.

[Ian spits on Kevins’s face.]

Lindsay: Ready?

[Lindsay shoots the gun upwards and Ian and Kevins begin running. All the staffs are looking and cheering for the race. Kevins wins the race. As everybody are cheering for him, Kevins looks at Lindsay and waves. Lindsay disappears.]

Random creature: She was a ghost.

[Cut to everybody in the office. Mrs. Routs walks in.]

Mrs. Routs: Alright everybody, let’s jump right in. As you all know, Lindsay turned out to be a ghost, that’s neither here or–

Ian: [interrupting] There’s something I need to tell you. Kevins is gonna pick up the signed documents from own the hall. He’s the fastest man for the job.

Mrs. Routs: Oh, no need. I came in a little early and I got them myself.

Ian: Okay.

Kevins: Cool.

Ian: No problem.

Mrs. Routs: I don’t know exactly what we do here, but let’s get to work.

American Girl Store

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Ben Hartley… Kenan Thompson

Thomas Dean… Mikey Day

Debbie Pritchard… Saoirse Ronan

Karen Kellers… Leslie Jones

Becca Simms… Heidi Gardner

Security… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Action News 9 At Five intro]

Male voice: Action News 9, News At Five, Eye on Phoenix.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon in their news set]

Jack Trask: Good evening, I’m Jack Trask.

Beth Runyon: And I’m Beth Runyon. Out top story, chaos at the Canyon Gallery at a shopping center today as an underground gas main exploded giving shoppers at the American Girl store quite a scare. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt.

Jack Trask: Action 9’s Ben Hartley is live at the Canyon Gallery in downtown Phoenix. [Cut to Ben Hartley] Ben, quite a scene down there today.

Ben Hartley: You can say that again, Jack. I’m joined by Thomas Dean and Debbie Pritchard. Two customers who were inside the American Girl store when the explosion happened. My first question, obviously, are you children okay?

Debbie Pritchard: Um, yes, my daughter’s fine. She’s in the car with her dad.

Ben Hartley: And you, Mr. Dean?

Thomas Dean: Um, I don’t have children. I had just briefly popped in to the American Girl store to buy a doll for someone else. It was not for me. It was a gift.

[Ben Hartley looks at Thomas Dean awkwardly]

Ben Hartley: Okay. Um, was there any warning? Was there any warning right before the explosion happened? What happened?

Debbie Pritchard: Oh. Well, I was in line behind Mr. Dean who was buying his doll.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] As a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And he was arguing with the sales person saying his doll’s hairstyle looks sort of sloppy and not of the period.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Yeah, and then the explosion happened. It was just like a boom!

Debbie Pritchard: Yes! Exactly. And I actually need to thank Mr. Dean because my last thought before the explosion was, you know, “This grown man is alone in a doll store screaming about his doll’s hairstyle.”

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] I barely raised my voice. I wasn’t screaming.

Debbie Pritchard: And I thought it was weird.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Not if it’s a gift, though. Not if it’s a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And I sort of instinctively hugged my daughter closer to me to protect her. And that actually saved her from some of the falling glass.

Ben Hartley: Wow! [looking at Thomas Dean] Well, thank god you were obsessed with your doll’s hairstyle, sir.

Thomas Dean: No. It was more that it was messy. Upper class girls in the 1920s were very put together. So I’m told. I was buying a gift. It was just so chaotic.

Ben Hartley: Yeah. I bet. Um, Jack and Beth, can you believe what you’re hearing?

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Jack Trask: No. I mean, it’s definitely his doll, right?

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’re joined now by representative of Canyon Rock gas, Karen Kellers. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Kellers] Thanks for speaking with us, Ms. Kellers.

Karen Kellers: My pleasure.

Beth Runyon: Now, should residents be concerned by this?

Karen Kellers: There’s no reason to panic. Just because a grown man collects dolls, it doesn’t mean he a predator.

Beth Runyon: Um, Ms. Kellers, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was referring to the gas main explosion.

Karen Kellers: Oh, yes. That’s very bad.

Beth Runyon: Well, okay. Thank you, Ms. Kellers.

[Cut to Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: Let’s check back in with Ben down at the scene. Ben?

[Cut to Ben Hartley. He is with Becca Simms.]

Ben Hartley: Yeah, Jack, Beth, I’m here with another eye witness, Ms. Becca Simms, an employee at the American Girl store. Can you tell us what happened?

Becca Simms: Yes. I work in the cafe where the doll owners can eat with their dolls. I was setting up a table for the gentleman you were just speaking with earlier, Mr. Dean and his doll, Christine Somersby.

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: That wasn’t me. It was someone else.

[Thomas Dean runs out]

Becca Simms: No, no. It was him. He handed me a $20 bill and said, “Give us a table with a view. Christian’s new money. Not Trolly Trash.”

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: Then the explosion happened. Just like, “Boom.” Do you remember the explosion?

Ben Hartley: Yeah, can you explain that?

Thomas Dean: Oh! It was just like a loud “Boom” of no where.

Ben Hartley: No, the phrase ‘Trolly Trash.’

Thomas Dean: Oh! Um, in the 1920s in Christian’s era, prostitutes would look for customers on trollies. So I’m told. It’s just a gift. Oh my god! This looks crazy!

Ben Hartley: Alright, Beth, Jack, I’m seeing an emergency service worker here. [Ben Hartley walks to Security] Sir, can you tell us about the situation inside the store?

Security: Um, sure. I mean, luckily, we have no injuries except for this little lady we found on the ground. [Security shows a doll] [Thomas Dean runs in]

Thomas Dean: She’s gonna be on TV. She might as well have a hat.

[Thomas Dean puts a hat on the doll and runs out.]

It’s a gift.

Security: Uh-huh. But the structural damage is extensive. Right now, it looks like the American Girl store is gonna be closed for eight months.

[Thomas Dean runs in again]

Thomas Dean: Does that include a salon in the second floor?

Security: Whole building.

Thomas Dean: Ah!

[Thomas Dean walks out]

Ben Hartley: Well, thank you for talking with us. Jack, Beth, back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Well, quite an ordeal for those customers down there.

Jack Trask: Oh, he’ll be fine. There’s another American Girl store in Tempi.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

Bank Breakers

Barry… Mikey Day

Paul… Kumail Nanjiani

Gretchen… Cecily Strong

Josh… Alex Moffatt

Pat… Pete Davidson

Robber… Beck Bennett

[Starts with “Bank Brekers” intro]

Male voice: It’s “Bank Breakers.” With your host, Barry Fielder.

[Cut to Barry.]

Barry: Welcome to Bank Breakers where greed isn’t good, it’s great. Let’s say hello to our contestands, Paul and Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul and Gretchen. There are money bags before both contestant’s tables.] [Cut to Barry]

The game is simple. Steal each other’s money to win big. So let’s start it off as we always do with a quick cash grabber question. This West Coast city is known as the city by the bay. [beep] Paul?

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: San Francisco, baby! [right answer bell]

Barry: Correct! Steal one of Gretchen’s money bags.

[Paul takes a money bag from Gretchen’s table]

Paul: Oh, feels good to take your money. You’re going down, lady. Whoo!

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. That self high-five from Paul there who is one step closer to our grand prize of $50,000. What would you do with all that moola, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh, man! I need a wardrobe refresh. So, I’m buying a bunch of dope jackets and jeans. Jackets and jeans. Whoo! Jackets and jeans.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Jackets and jeans. Nice, buddy. How would you spend that cash, Gretchen?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: On a medical procedure for my ten year old daughter, Willow, to restore her hearing. [Paul leans in the screen and is showing his thumbs down to Gretchen. Gretchen has cracking emotional voice] She has 90% hearing loss in both ears. [Paul slowly rotates his hand to make it thumbs up] Sorry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. That’s a very worthy cause. Good luck, Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Barry, I should mention that I will be donating some of my jackets and jeans to the charity, cars for kids.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Pretty sure they want cars, but hey, you do you, man. Paul, you’re up first. Pick a category.

[Cut to game screen. There are nine categories.]

Paul: Um, let’s go with Wiz Kid.

Barry: Alright. This category is about that famous boy wizard, Harry Potter. [Cut to Barry] Paul, you can play or pass to Gretchen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: Well, you know, I feel a little bad about the way I celebrated when I took your bag of money. So I’ll pass to Gretchen. Give her a shot.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright, Gretchen. How are you feeling? Are you a potter head?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: No. NO. When Harry Potter got big, I was serving four tours of duty in Iraq and I just kind of missed it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: She’s a veteran?

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: She is. And Gretchen, thank you for your service. So, it’s the military veteran versus the– I’m sorry. What do you do, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I do online advertising for Marlboro cigarettes.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Versus Paul. [Cut to split screen with Paul and Gretchen] First question, Gretchen. Name the author of the Harry Potter series.

Gretchen: Oh, boy.

Paul: Oh, come on. You know this.

Gretchen: Um, J– I’ve heard his name before.

Paul: Her. Her name.

Gretchen: Jake Rowling.

[wrong answer sound] [Cut to Barry]

Barry: Oh, no. It’s J.K. Rowling. Big tobacco gets the steal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Please don’t call me that. [Cut to Paul and Gretchen. Paul takes another money bag from Gretchen.] I am so sorry. Thank you for your service.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Before we continue, Gretchen, I understand your family is here today.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Yes. Two of them are. My beautiful daughter, Willow and my handsome husband, Josh.

[Cut to Willow and Josh in the audience]

Josh: We’re proud of you, mommy! Even if you don’t win, we’ll find a way fo pay for Willow’s surgery and we are going to find a way to replace everything those Bulgars stole from us.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Their house got robbed?

Barry: Yeah. Sure did. And who is cheering you on today, Paul?

[Cut to Paul. He has very sad face.]

Paul: My roommate, Pat.

[Cut to Pat. He is wearing t-shirt with ‘Loser’ written on it and an arrow pointing at Gretchen’s daughter.]

Pete: I’m sorry about this shirt. I didn’t know I would be next to a little girl. Paul told me it would be funny.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I didn’t know about all their stuff. I’m so sorry. You know, it’s difficult for an immigrant like me to navigate this country’s culture. I grew up in Pakistan. Life there is very hard.

[Cut to the contestants]

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. It is. I spent two years stationed in Karachi. How old were you when you came to the US?

Paul: 14… weeks old.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. So, Gretchen spent more time in Pakistan than you did. That’s crazy. Um, Paul, pick a category, bud.

[Cut to the game screen.]

Paul: Let’s go with Pickers and Pluckers.

Barry: Alright. Oh-oh! You found the Bank Breaker! Paul, answer this question right and you take all of Gretchen’s money. But get it wrong, she takes all of your’s. Questions in this category, Paul, are about country music.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh! Okay, I don’t know anything about country music. I’ll play, Barry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Darius Rucker scored a hit with this 2011 song about a break up.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: [happily laughing] Oh! I got nothing. I don’t listen to country–

Barry: [interrupting] That is correct. “I got nothing” is the title of that song. Way to get Gretchen’s hopes up, buddy. Man, you are brutal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No, no, no. I was trying to lose. I swear it.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Let’s get Robby the robber out here to help Paul steal Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No. No. Please don’t bring out the robber guy. Please don’t do this.

[Cut to all]

Robber: Sorry, Gretchen. Looks like this money is for jackets and jeans. Not for surgeries. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Whoo! Paul takes a huge lead and he’s headed into round two with all of Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul,Gretchen and robber]

Paul: I don’t want this.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Bank Breakers will be right back.

Civil War Soldiers

Jimmy Fallon

Mikey Day

Alex Moffatt

Beck Bennett

Greg… Harry Styles

Captain… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Union Army Camp in 1863.]

Jimmy : I heard we’re marching south tomorrow.

Mikey: Feels like this war’s never going to end. I swear, sometimes, I forget what we are even fighting for.

Alex: Yeah. We’ve been fighting this war so long, I wonder if my family will even recognize me.

Beck: Oh, I’m tired of hearing all this grumbling. How about a song? Something to lift our spirits. A real foot stomper.

Alex: How about ‘Old New York?’

Beck: Ah! Old New York. Now that’s the tune that will put the fight back in you. What do you say, boys?

All: Alright!

Alex: Great song.

[music palying]

Beck: [singing] Well, I’m from New York, I am from up north in yankee land
then one day the union army came a calling
they said son grab up your gun, there is glory to be won
and soon the dixie boys will be a falling

All: One, two, three, it’s the union calls for me
that we fear the grape shot nor the canon roar
oh, liberty and I happily
and bury me back home in Old New York

Jimmy : [standing] And we’re singing like,
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, party till the sun come up

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, we’ll stay up for ever now

[Everone else is staring Jimmy  looking confused]

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, dance until the pills wear off
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,, it’s a party at my parent’s house

[Jimmy  sits back]

Beck: Um, I don’t remember that part of Old New York.

Jimmy : Oh, no. Sorry, I added it. I felt like it needed like a fat catchy hook people can sing along. It’s good, right?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, it’s already stuck in my head.

Greg: You know what would sound good? If you all did a bridge after that hook.

Beck: Hey, Greg, shut up.

Greg: Okay.

Beck: Listen. Old New York is a soldier’s song. It’s about courage and making your loved ones proud. So maybe best not to change it.

Jimmy : Oh, of course. Just musically, it felt like it wanted that hook. Keep going.

Beck: [singing] Now I miss my family and I miss New York City,
but to run away from war is a disgrace
if the rebel shoot me down

Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: Tell my family I was found
Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: On the ground with a smile on the face.

Jimmy : Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa [build up]

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, skinny dipping in the pool
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, all our friends are making out
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,…

Beck: I don’t know what to say.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, it’s a party at my parent’s house.

[Greg walks in]

Greg: Oh my god! there she is, the girl I like
suddenly, it’s all clear
this is the best night of my life
everybody sing it right.

All: Oh, oh, oh–

[Captain walks in]

Captain: What the hell is going on here?

Beck: Oh, I’m very sorry, sir. I thought some singing might boost morale in camp.

Captain: Oh, no. I’m sorry. I was pretending like I was the dad in the song. Like, coming home and seeing the party at my house and be like, “What’s going on?” Being like, angry.

Jimmy : Let’ go. That would be a fun break in the song.

Mikey: Yeah. Maybe it’s like a switcheroo and the dad’s actually into it?

[Beck looks disppointed]

Jimmy : Yeah, yeah. Or we can just do the regular version of Old New York.

Beck: Oh, who am I kidding? That hook is fire. The whole track is absolutely lit. Let’s take it from the dad coming in.

Captain: [clearing throat] Nobody parties at my house! Without me!

Beck: Two, three, four.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,

Greg: Everybody know themselves!

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh…

Jimmy : It’s a party at my parent’s house.

[explosion]

Oh, man! That canon sounded amazing. Hey, props to whoever shot that cannon. That was a fun punch at the end.

Beck: That wasn’t one of our’s.

Jimmy : Then who shot it?

[explosion and smoke effect]

Male voice: And when the smoke cleared, all that was left of the third New York infantry was their bravery, their sacrifice and our nation’s first big fat hook.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffatt

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Despite claiming no direct involvement, there are still ethics concerns around president Trump’s ties to his business, here to comment are the co-CEO’s of Trump Organization, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, yeah. Now, many people, myself included, have some serious concerns that your father could use his position to help his former business.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, I know. You mentioned that on the golf course last weekend. I was beating you by nine strokes. You gotta work on your short game, pal.

Colin Jost: I know.

Donald Trump Jr.: But Eric and I did have a blast.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric: I drove the golf car!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, Eric. Remember, I told you this, pal, man. Remember, it’s golf cart. Golf cart. Not car. Cart, with a T.

Eric: Ta.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. Colin, the Trump Organization is entire in our hands. In fact, Eric and I recently celebrated the grand opening of a new Trump Golf Course in Dubai, which Colin, was a smash success.

Eric: I got a sunburn.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. That’s because you didn’t want to wear your hat, bud.

Eric: It doesn’t fit.

Donald Trump Jr.: I told you, bud, you can chance the size with the little snaps on the back. that’s why they have those. We also cut the ribbon, the beautiful new Trump Luxury Hotel in Vancouver, Canada. [Cut to Eric, Donald Trump Jr. and Colin Jost] And Colin, the chef we got in Vancouver is absolutely amazing. He crushed the menu. The food is next level.

Eric: I had a funny face pancake. He had whip creams hair.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And you ate the whole thing.

Eric: I’m hungry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. I got some cheerios for you, buddy.

[Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a packet of cheerios and gives it to Eric]

Eric: Alright!

[Eric eats them]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your business is doing well. That doesn’t actually answer any question about your father’s involvement in the business.

Eric: I’m thirsty.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, I’ve got a juice for you. [Donald Trump Jr. is reaching for juice inside his pocket] The fact of the matter is, all the deals coming to fruition now [gives juice to Eric] were in place far, far before my father. [Eric cannot figure out how to put the pipe inside the juice box] Eric, Eric, let me do it. Let me do it. Come on, man, don’t just stab it. You’re making a mess. Look, insert straw here. Right? First of all, you’re not using the pointy end.

Eric: Sorry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh, Eric!

Eric: What did I do?

Donald Trump Jr.: You just gotta– Eric, I don’t wanna make a mess. [Eric just drinks the juice out of box without straw] There you go.

Colin Jost: He figured it out.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s my brother. I’m proud of you. Colin, bottomline, the only people making decisions– [to Eric] You downed that quick, bud! Look at you, thirsty little guy.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: The only people making decisions regarding the Trump Organization are Eric and myself.

Eric: And dad!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no. Remember, Eric, dad does not tell us what to do anymore?

Eric: Yes, he does.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, you wanna play on my phone, bud?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. [Donald Trump Jr. passes Eric his phone] Eric’s a little jokester. What he meant to say was our the only people calling the shots at the Trump Organization are myself and this guy.

Eric: I’m tired.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, he’s going to get cranky. Gotta get him home. Okay, so it’s quick bath, jammies and then bed. Alright, bud?

Eric: Okay. Can Colin sleep over?

Donald Trump Jr.: Not tonight, bud.

Eric: Aww!

Colin Jost: Aww! Eric and Donald Trump, everyone.

Eric: And I’m Eric!

Society Debut

Bowen Yang

Henry… Alex Moffatt

Bigfoot… JJ Watt

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a castle of London, England in 1918.]

Bowen: Henry, aren’t you nervous?

Henry: Do you doubt me?

Bowen: Of course not. But, in four months you’ve done the impossible. You’ve taken Bigfoot from the American wilds and taught him manners and how to comport himself in our society.

Henry: Well, I have to admit, it was a long road. But the past three days have gone perfectly. We play polo and bridge, and had one of his poems published in Ladies’ magazine.

Bowen: Um, you should be self-proud. And there he is.

[Cut to Bigfoot walking down the stairs. He is wearing suit.] [Cut to everybody]

Henry: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my student, Misui Gran Pied, also known as Bigfoot.

[Everybody looking at Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Charmed! I am Bigfoot.

Kenan: Ah! Bigfoot. Welcome to my party. Please enjoy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take care of some business.

Beck: Mr. Pied, would you like some champagne?

[Beck snaps his finger and calls for drinks]

I insist.

Bigfoot: Oh, how thoughtful. But I won’t be drinking this evening. You know what they say? After two drinks, I’m drunk. After three, I’m under the table. And after four, I would take you by either leg and rip you up the middle like a piece of chicken.

Beck: [laughing] I’ve never heard anyone say that. So charming. Good job, old chap!

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Um, Mr. Foot. May I have a picture with you? Do the pose with me.

[Cecily and Bigfoot pose by leaning forward and joining their hands]

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, he’s genius. Hey, you must bring him to every party.

Henry: It’s a smashing success.

Bowen: Yes. He’s the toast of the town.

Kenan: He is. Now, if only we could figure out who deposited flocculant on the bathroom floor.

Beck: What was that old chap?

Kenan: Someone has excreciated excrecia on the bathroom floor.

Beck: I think I understand what you’re saying.

Kenan: Well, let me be clearer. He dropped the kids off at the pool but he left them in the parking lot. And it was just one very large kid.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Well, you know what they say. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Cecily: [laughing] I’m having a delightful time.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Professor, did you forget to teach him something?

Henry: Oh, come on! He speaks French. He plays the hop. You can’t tell me this is a big deal.

Bowen: Yes, but I feel like when people think of this party, this will be the thing they’ll remember.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Hey, hey. It sounds like whoever did this didn’t get something fully right. But actually, got pretty close. Maybe they should get credit for that.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Yes, very close. If we were playing golf, he may not have gotten the hole in one, but he definitely dropped on one the green.

Henry: Indeed. And if he gets the next one in, he’ll have a duce.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Enough of this. Should we dance? Let’s dance.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: No! The lavatory is decimated. There’s a duke in there.

Cecily: Oh, my! Is he looking for a duchess?

Kenan: No. It is up to the sink, people! Do you understand? A maid is stuck in there.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: No! I’m so sorry!

[Henry walks in]

Henry: Don’t do this! Don’t show your hand.

Bigfoot: I have to. I must.

[Bigfoot walks to the harp and starts playing it]

I’m sorry. I belong in the woods.

Bowen: Oh, don’t do this Mr. Pied.

Bigfoot: I’m not Mr. Pied. I’m Bigfoot. I’m a beast, an animal. I should be doing naked cartwheels under Secoyas, throwing snakes at the sky, popping up in cabin windows and freaking out teens who are trying to read Dickens and chill. I must go.

Cecily: Wait! [Cecily runs to Bigfoot] Bigfoot, I’m in love with you. I can’t explain it. I would leave everything behind for you. Take me.

Bigfoot: I’m taking her.

[Cecily climbs up on Bigfoot’s shoulder]

Bigfoot: And I’m taking this.

[Bigfoot takes the harp too]

Goodbye!

[Bigfoot and Cecily leave] [Cut to Beck and Kenan]

Beck: That was my wife.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Well, they’re happy.

Henry: That’s what matters.

[Cut to Beck and Kenan]

Kenan: It is indeed. No one has ever fallen in love at one of my parties. [Kenan raises his glass and walks forward] [The End]

Men’s Product

JJ Watt

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffatt

[Starts with clips of JJ Watt working out]

Male voice: I pride myself on being the best. I go with a distance and I push myself to the limit.

JJ Watt: But being the best is also about looking your best. And you can’t look your best when you have tired puffy under eyes. [Cut to JJ Watt wearing black mask under eyes] That’s why I use Olay Eye Black.

Female voice: Oil of Olay introduces the only Eye Black that also reduces puffyness. But it’s manly because it comes in a big black tub.

[Cut to black and white video clip of JJ Watt wearing a helmet while press conference is going on]

JJ Watt: My puffy under eyes used to make me too shy to play football.

News Reporter: JJ, what’s with the puffy eye gab?

[Cut to JJ Watt in the football field wearing Olay Eye Black]

Now I can stop worrying about fine lines and focus on the offensive line.

[Cut to Kenan as an opponent]

Kenan: Yeah, what’s up, punk? Your skin looks amazing!

[JJ Watt throws Kenan down]

JJ Watt: With Olay Eye Black, my skin luminosity is off the charts insane! So easy to use, even guys can do it. You just grip it, rip it and stick it. Beat the hell out of dark circles with Olay Eye Black.

[Cut to Beck looking at the mirror wearing Olay Eye Black]

Beck: This isn’t gay, right?

JJ Watt: It’s just gay enough.

Beck: Cool, either way. What is that smell?

JJ Watt: Jack Daniels, gasoline and a little bit of Matcha Extract.

Beck: Matcha what-a?

JJ Watt: Green tea.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah!

Female voice: Olay Eye Black is part of our all new Olay Bro Skin Line, including Brolay cleanses and scrubs. And now, introducing post strip nose tape.

[Cut to Alex wearing a black tape on his bloody nose]

Alex: Just because your nose is shattered doesn’t mean it should be covered with black heads.

[Alex rips off the tape]

Oh, my god!

Female voice: Oil of Brolay, available at Sephora and Dick’s sporting goods.

Wisconsin Women

Heidi Gardner
Alex Moffatt
Jennifer Lopez
Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Kimmy … Chloe Fineman
[Starts with people in hardware store.] Heidi: Oh, look, honey, this is so cute. It’s like a read hardware store. It’s like basic needs things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, hey, babe, imagine me in these gloves. Look manly?
Heidi: It’d be so cute, huh? [Heidi and Speaker 2 walks to the store counter] Hi!
[Cut to everybody] Jennifer: Hi there. How can we help you?
Heidi: Oh, my god, your tights are cute.
Kate: Oh, wow, you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. You hear that?
Jennifer: Yeah! She thinks these are tights. These are reinforced industrial leggings from tractor.
Cecily: Yeah, cute tights don’t matter when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, runnin’ through thorny brush like a tank.
Kate: Yeah. What matters is you don’t scratch your skunk.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: Why would you be running through brush screaming?
[Cut to the store keepers] Cecily: Well, to get away, you know?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Speaker 2: From what?
[Cut to the store keepers] Jennifer: I don’t know if you heard but you’re deep in Wisconsin’s bear country.
Kate: Yeah. We have a ton of black bears.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Speaker 2: I’m sorry. Aren’t they hibernating right now?
[Cut to the store keepers] Jennifer: Hah! Did you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. That’s why they’re supposed to be doing. But so many city folks get houses out here and don’t secure their trash.
Kate: Yeah. We call them cidiots!.
Jennifer: These bears, they’re like my husband. He could be sawing logs in the lazy boy but as soon as I come in the door with my Mickey D’s quarter pounder, he’s wide awake ripping my bag apart and—ba dab a ba b,a he’s lovin’it.
Kate: So, what you need today?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Speaker 2: Well, we rented a house and we’re having some friends up and we just want to be prepared.
[Cut to the store keepers] Cecily: So how many folks you having up?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: Like 15.
[Cut to the store keepers] Kate: Hey, you got to be careful on something. You don’t want that sucker up the wall.
Cecily: Yeah! you’re gonna need some bacteria kegs to keep that under control. Everybody doing their morning constitutional.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: Um, I think our friends would probably just go to Starbucks.
[Cut to everybody] Kate: Come here, come here.
[Kimmy runs in] Why don’t you get them something. Cakes. We have the savings from our owns to put in.
Kimmy: On it!
[Kimmy runs away] [Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2 confused.] Speaker 2: Wow! Is that all of her hair?
[Cut to the store keepers] Kate: Yeah. My girl!
Jennifer: It’s never been cut. She still has her baby hair on the end.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: So is Kimmy your daughter?
[Cut to the store keepers] Jennifer: No, she’s nobody’s daughter. She came with the hardware store.
Cecily: Yeah, yeah. She’s just, you know, always been here.
Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, sometimes I hear her cursing and throwing things in the stock room. I’m assuming it’s a shadow from her past.
Cecily: Yeah, local paper wrote about how she was the Rapunzel of this hardware store.
[Kimmy runs in with something in her hand] Kimmy: I found the septic cake.
Cecily: Okay. here you go. This should do you.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: Oh my god! Babe, what did I do with my keto bar?
Speaker 2: Oh! You know what? I think you left it outside because you don’t want anyone to think you eat.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Look!
[Cut to a bear outside the store.] [Cut to everybody] Jennifer: She left a snack bar out? Are you crazy? That bear woke up for it.
Kate: Oh, cidiots!
Cecily: He is supposed to be asleep.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Honey, look how stupid adorable he is.
Jennifer: Adorable? Get the bear repellant.
Kimmy: Getting it and got it.
Kate: Now go outside and spray that bear. It’s your turn.
Kimmy: I am on it.
Cecily: Yeah! Spray works good, right? But, that’s a pain in the tush.
[Kimmy walks to the bear to spray on it.] Cecily: Uh-oh, can’s not working. Kimmy’s bear repellant must have a faulty part.
[Cut to the bear killing Kimmy.] [Cut to everybody] Kate: That bear is flinging Kimmy by her hair.
Cecily: There she goes. Throwing her like a Frisbee.
Jennifer: Yeah. Oh, she’s up. She’s up. Kimmy, get inside.
[Kimmy runs in. She doesn’t has her hair.] Kimmy: I survived but I lost my hair.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Cute hair cut. I’m getting that.
Jennifer: No, I don’t go out there.
Speaker 2: Okay. Is she going to be okay?
Kate: No. NO, she’s dead for sure.
[Cut to Heidi and the bear taking a selfie] [Cut to everybody inside] Cecily: Okay, now, that’s new and different.

Brett Kavanaugh Post-Game Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 2

Don Lemon…..Kenan Thompson

Dana Bash….. Heidi Gardner

Senator Mitch McConnell…..Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham…..Kate McKinnon

Susan Collins…..Cecily Strong

Jeff Flake…..Pete Davidson

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Senator Chuck Schumer…..Alex Moffatt

[News starting. Cut to Don Lemon as a news reporter.]

Don Lemon: Good evening. I am Don Lemon. We’ve all just witnessed history as Judge Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed by the Senate to become a justice of the Supreme Court. There have been protests in Washington and several cry breaks here at CNN. It’s a somber day for many Americans. We now go live to Dana Bash who is with Senate Republicans.

Dana Bash: [Cut to Dana Bash as a news reporter with Senate Republicans.] Don, I’m here in the GOP locker room where the mood is nothing short of euphoric.

John Kennedy: Whoo! We’re going to Kavanaugh this tonight. Let’s Ralph till we Moo!

Dana Bash: Thank you, Senator Kennedy.

Don Lemon: [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Dana Bash at right.] Quite the display Dana.

Dana Bash: That’s right Don. There are a lot of pacemakers being put to the test tonight. [Cut to Dana] And I see Mitch McConnell here. Mitch, how are you feeling?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, oh, that was awesome! Whoo!

Dana Bash: Do you feel like this is a win you can be proud of?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, hell yeah Dana! Republicans read the mood of the country, and we could tell the people really wanted Kavanaugh. Everyone’s pumped from white men over 60 to white men over 70. We did it. We got the PJ and Squee.

Dana Bash: Put this victory in context.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it’s up there with Vietnam for sure. I mean this is historic.

John Kennedy: Uh, winning!

Dana Bash: And um, Lindsey- Lindsey Graham. Do you have a moment?

Lindsey Graham: All righ- Woo! How amazing is this, huh? We- we made a lot of women real worried today but I’m not getting pregnant, so I don’t care. Um, here. Take a- take a Kavanaugh world champion hat.

Dana Bash: Um, yeah, no! I’m not wearing that. Um, oh Lindsey, walk us through the final confirmation.

Lindsey Graham: Well, oh man! Well for a while we thought it was going to be tied and we were going to have to go with our closer mock pants. He was going to jog in to Metallica’s Enter the Sadman and start throwing votes at 100mph. But thank the male lord that was not necessary. Helped a lot. The democrat Joe Manchin scored in his own goal. That was dope. And well, we couldn’t have done it without Susan Collins. Susan, get over here.

Susan Collins: Do I attack again?

Lindsey Graham: No girl, no! No! But seriously, this was all Susan.

Susan Collins: Oh, please. The last thing I wanted was to make this about me. That’s why I told everyone to tune in at 3 PM so I could tell all my female supporters, “Psyche!”

Dana Bash: And you don’t think that Brett Kavanaugh did anything wrong?

Susan Collins: Listen, I think it’s important to believe women until it’s time to stop. But I also believe that you know, I’m a guy’s gal, okay? I can party with the big dogs and “Whoo!” You know? We’re going to have fun tonight.

John Kennedy: Whoo! That’s our girl. Our one girl.

Susan Collins: Yeah. Also now we’re going to party like it’s 2021, Susan Rice takes my seat.

Dana Bash: And Senator Jeff Flake was also reportedly on the fence until yesterday. Senator Flake?

Jeff Flake: Oh hey, yeah! Obviously, I was really sad about the whole process as you could tell from my resting bitch face. And I really considered all the testimony because this was such a–

Lindsey Graham: Got you! Oops!

Jeff Flake: You stinker!

Mitch McConnell: We all know who .you are. Flake the snake! You were never voting, no.

Jeff Flake: Okay. You got me. I stink.

Lindsey Graham: Seriously, this one is about the fans. They’ve been there for us all week cheering and screaming outside of our offices.

Dana Bash: I’m sorry. You think those were fans?

Lindsey Graham: Oh yeah, for sure. And I know that they agree with us because they’re shouting out me too.

Dana Bash: Okay. And I see that the Arizona prosecutor they hired is here as well.

Rachel Mitchell: Yeah. I sure am. I sure am. What’s up women? I hope I did you proud. I think I helped.

Dana Bash: And what’s next for you Rachel?

Rachel Mitchell: Oh well, I’m flying South West Airlines back to Arizona like a freaking champ.

Don Lemon: [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Dana Bash at right.] Dana, I hate to interrupt you.

Dana Bash: No, please do. I need a break from this.

Don Lemon: Okay, well then let’s throw it over to Kate Bennett [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Kate Bennett at right.] who’s with the losing team Chuck Schumer.

Kate Bennett: Senator Schumer, [Cut to Kate Bennett interviewing Chuck Schumer.] what went wrong?

Chuck Schumer: Well, my doctor thinks it might be Sciatica.

Kate Bennett: No, I mean with the Kavanaugh vote?

Chuck Schumer: Oh, right. Yes, well the Dems lost in other one. Yes. This is what we do now. Um, look, we thought this time would be better than Anita hill hearing because Dr. Ford was white.  Um, but then it turned out Brett Kavanaugh was white too and you know, we were completely blind-sighted by that.

Kate Bennett: Understood. And I see Senator Joe Manson, the one Democrat yes vote is heading this way right now.

Chuck Schumer: Hey Joe, listen, no hard feelings.

Joe Manson: Nut job. Oh!

Kate Bennett: Dana, back to you.

Dana Bash: [Cut to Dana Bash and Senate Republicans celebrating behind her.] Okay. Very cool chill energy here. Several of the senators also appear to be wearing goggles.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. These are for the Miller High Life, the champagne of beers.

Lindsey Graham: To celebrate Brett Kavanaugh, the naughty life of judges. All right, now listen everyone, let’s keep this corny male energy going to the mid-term.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!