Chance… Michael Longfellow
Vicki… Ego Nwodim
Alicia… Heidi Gardner
Tod… Bowen Yang
Amy Schumer[Starts with Ego and Heidi in their news set]
Ego: Good evening and welcome to WkTVN news.
Heidi: And later tonight, Baklava or Balaclava? A new study shows there’s a big difference between the two delicious treats.
Ego: I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. Let’s check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Harmstrong.[Cut to Chance]
Chance: Thanks. Thanks, Vicki. And Alicia. I’m so thrilled to be joining the team. So right now I’m here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma’am, tell us what happened.
Cecily: Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed [frame showing an asian guy behind her as well] and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire. So I put 2 and 10 together and I said fire sir.
Chance: Right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why?
Cecily: I’m not sure exactly how sir. But I know 100% why. And I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin.
Chance: It was your cousin.
Cecily: Yes. And she is looking right at you now sir.
Amy: What? Oh, you taking a picture of me? No, you’re not. Not for free, you’re not. No.
Chance: Okay. Why are you so certain it was your cousin?
Cecily: She is mad because she wants to go with my husband, because look at him. [her husband is the asian guy they showed before]
Tod: This for TV?
Chance: Yes. This is the news, sir.
Tod: Oh, snap.
Chance: Okay, back to the fire.
Cecily: Yes, it’s a long story. But she is mad because she can’t get with him because he chose me and she’s my cousin.
Amy: Hey, keep saying stuff like that. I will set your house upon fire again.
Cecily: Hey, set my house on fire. I ain’t scared.
Chance: Okay, all right. This was not as informative as I’d hoped. Quite a first day. Back to you. Vicki and Alicia.
Tod: Hey, come back to me. Take my picture. Look what I can do. [he climbs on the pole] Look what I can do. One hand, one hand, one hand.
Amy: Go Tod, go Tod. He’s showing up for me. I want to lay with you.
Tod: I said I can’t.
Chance: Well, there you have it. And I think we’re all done here. Vicki and Alicia.[Molly walks in]
Molly: Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see the two them were cousins.
Chance: Yes. I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?
Molly: No, I do not. But sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look when I can do. [she leans backwards]
Chance: Okay, I don’t know what that is. And I’m not really here to look at tricks.
Amy: Hey, he ain’t even my cousin. He’s only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Tod.
Tod: Go home. No one wants to lay with you.
Amy: I bet you someone will.
Cecily: No, they won’t, because you ain’t got it like this. [Cecily flashes her breasts]
Amy: Like hell they don’t. [Amy flashes her breasts too]
Chance: Okay, no, this cannot. It’s literally my first day.[Chance tries to walk away from them, but bumps into James.]
James: Oh sir, if I may. I can clear this up. 100%.
Chance: Just don’t say they’re cousins.
James: Exactly. They are cousins. also, look what I can do. [starts making silly noises]
Chance: Okay. Yeah. Now I’m unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I’m assuming no one wants to talk about the fire.
Marcello: Oh, I don’t know anything about that, sir. But look what I can do. [starts dancing]
Chance: That’s great. You’re very talented.
Amy: Listen, the real reason I am mad at her…. [snatches the mic] The real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life.
Cecily: What? Are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. Your homemade rice is worth. You make good French bread pizza. And I’m sorry that the years have seen us drift apart in terms of being cousins.
Amy: So now what?
Tod: A kiss makeup?[They all lean to kiss each other]
Chance: No, no. Do not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day. And I’m assuming it’s my last. So in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. [starts dancing]