Phillip… Chris Redd
Norman… Donald Glover
Allen… Kenan Thompson
Prison guard… Alex Moffat
Spider… Beck Benett
[Starts with guys talking to each other.]
Phillip: Yo, I’m telling y’all, man. I gotta get out of this prison, dog.
Norman: Man, I’m never coming back here.They got us working thirty cents an hour.
Allen: It’s like modern day slavery. I feel like these walls are changing me.
Phillip: I know what you mean, man. Like, last week this new MA came up, asked me what size my sneakers was. I said, “Yo size, bitch!”
Norman: Damn! So then what happened?
Phillip: Then he tried to grab me by my collar, right? That’s when I– [phone ringing] Hold on a second. [speaking very politely on the phone] Um, good morning. Customer service. My name is Phillip. Oh, how can I assist you today? Uh, alright ma’am. Please stay online while I direct you to the manager. Alright. Thank you. [Phillip presses the extension number and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly again.] Then I grabbed the razor that I was hiding in my butt cheeks and cut his ear off, fam.
Allen: I know exactly who you talking about, man. He tried the same thing with my boy Freddie. You know Freddie, right?
Norman: Freddie that made cognac in the toilet?
Allen: No, not that Freddie. [phone ringing] Hold on. [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. This is Allen speaking. How can I assist you this afternoon? Well, yes. That particular necklace is real turquoise in a 14 carat gold plated trim. Oh, you have a lovely day too. Alright. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] No. Freddie that stabbed the guard in the neck with a spoon.
Norman: Oh, yeah. I know Freddie. Um-hmm. He trie to jump me in a bathroom. There was like, five of em’. But you know me, I’m crazy. So, I pulled down my pants and then– [phone ringing] Hond on. [speaking very politely on the phone] It’s a gorgeous Wednesday morning. This is Norman. How can I be at your service today? Well, yes, ma’am. And might I say, that is a lovely choice. I personally have that in my very same unit in my kitchen. Okay. Okay, now. I’m gonna put you through. Alright, bye. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] I crapped in my hands and then I threatened to touch them with it.
Phillip: Yo, we been there. Err’body been there. Y’all heard about Rico though?
Norman: Who Rico? The cop killer?
Phillip: Nah, nah, nah. Not that Rico, man.
Allen: Rico the drug lord?
Phillip: Nah, man! Rico! The guy that makes all the silly puns.
Norman: Oh! You mean fun Rico.
Phillip: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fun Rico.
Norman: Oh, he’s the best. I just love his silly puns.
Allen: Yeah. He’s the only thing that keeps me going. But what about him?
Phillip: He hung himself.
Norman: Oh, my god.
Allen: No.
Phillip: He was hanging there.
[phone ringing]
Norman: [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. Well, thank you very much for the positive feedback, ma’am. I do remind you that there is a short five minute survey– [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] She hung up on me.
Allen: Argh! I hate when they do that.
Norman: How hard is it to take a five minute survey?
Phillip: I know. It’s like, one more good review and I make parole, lady.
[phone ringing]
Allen: Ma’am, are you still waiting on hold? I am so sorry for the inconvenience. Please be patient with us. God bless you too. [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] Argh! I hate when customers have to hold. Makes me wanna kill again.
Phillip and Norman: I feel you. Me too.
[A prison guard walks in with a guy, Spider, on straitjacket]
Prison guard: Enough chitchat in here fellas!
Spider: [making crazy face] Why don’t you loosen these straps for me just a little, will ya?
Prison guard: Yeah, right. So you can eat me like you did your last cell mate? You sick bastard!
Norman: Yo, this lady on line four wants to speak to a manager.
Prison guard: Alright. I got this.
[Prison guard puts the headphones with mic on Spider]
Spider: [speaking very politely on the phone] Hello, this is Spider, the manager speaking. Oh, well, I am so sorry to hear that you did not enjoy those Omaha steaks. They’re all I ever eat. A lot of em’. Now, if I can just get some personal information, what are you fears?
[The End]