Tag: Alone

Home Alone 2

Kevin… Melissa Villaseñor

Pigeon lady… Kristen Wiig

Harry… Kyle Mooney

Marv… Mikey Day

Male voice: It’s the 30th anniversary of Home Alone. And to celebrate, 20th century studios is releasing this never before seen ending to the Christmas classic, “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”

[Cut to the scene where the boy walks to the woman who is feeding pigeons.]

Kevin: Merry Christmas!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Wonderful to see your face.

Kevin: I just want to say thanks. When I was all alone here in the city, you were my friend.

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. It is I who should be thanks to you. Everything you gave me, the hot chocolate, the company, it’s hard being homeless. Specially during the holidays. But at least I have my pigeons.

Kevin: Whoa! So you sleep here?

Pigeon lady: Oh, yes. I have a place under the bridge over there.

Kevin: Cool. I’m sleeping at the room at the Plaza. It’s huge….. Well, see ya’!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. You said, “The Plaza”? But you’re just a child.

Kevin: Oh. I use my dad’s credit card. It’s crazy. I can get anything I want.

Pigeon lady: [her stomach is making noise of hunger] Anything?

Kevin: Yeah. Today, I had a giant pizza inside a limousine. Okay, take it easy.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Very well.

Kevin: Wait. Hey, sorry. I just had an idea. [pulls out a pizza box.] I had all this pizza left over and…

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Yes. My stomach is just–

Kevin: Yeah. It shouldn’t go to waste. Here you go, pigeons! [Kevin throws all the pizzas.]

Pigeon lady: [looking at pigeons eat the pizza] Ha-ha. Look at them go. You know, Kevin, I had an idea as well.

Kevin: Oh, yeah? What’s that?

Pigeon lady: Well, see, as you have that fancy credit card, maybe you could get two hotel rooms?

Kevin: Two hotel rooms for one kid? I don’t think so. You’re funny. Well, goodnight, pigeon lady.

Pigeon lady: Goodnight.

Kevin: Wait. Something just occurred to me. I have enough money to get you a room too.

Pigeon lady: Oh, really?

Kevin: Yeah. It’d be my pleasure. I’ll rent a suite for you as long as you want. And maybe some new clothes and food too. It is Christmas after all.

Pigeon lady: Indeed. Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Kevin: Merry Christmas, pigeon lady.

[The thieves find Kevin]

Harry: Not so fast. Didn’t think you could lose us that easy, did you kid?

Marv: Yeah. Remember us? It’s Santi Clause and his little elf.

Harry: Turns out you’re on the naughty list.

Marv: And after all you’ve done, I think it’s time for a little payback.

Harry: Maybe in the form of your daddy’s credit card.

Pigeon lady: No, you can’t take this from me!

[Kevin runs and beats the thieves.]

Kevin: Wow! Holy smoke!

Pigeon lady: This is my ticket out of here. Die! [Kevin starts hitting the thieves with her umbrella. She’s getting all bloody.] Die! Die!

Kevin: [screaming] Ah!

Pigeon lady: Very well. There it is then. Two junior suits or one big one?

Kevin: The big ones.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Let’s all have a Merry Christmas then.

Kevin: Did you kill those guys?

Pigeon lady: No, Kevin. We killed them. We killed them.

Weekend Update- Melissa Villaseñor on How to Quarantine Alone

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Many Americans are preparing to quarantine again this winter. Here to offer her tips on quarantining alone is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. [cheers and applause] Hey, nice suit.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Melissa. We’re all back at work now. But before that, you spend most of quarantine by yourself, right?

Melissa Villaseñor: Wow, Colin, way to throw it in my face. I say nice suit and you say “You’re always alone.”

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sorry. That was pretty harsh. Sorry, Melissa.

Melissa Villaseñor: It’s okay. It’s alright. But you’re right, though. I’ll be honest. It wasn’t super fun all the time. Like, at first, all I wanted to do was watch silly stupid stuff. So, I found that old show ‘The Little Rascals’. Colin, would laugh so hard, I couldn’t make out a single word they were saying. They sounded like this. “[gibberish] Oh, no. [gibberish] hamburger.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. All I understood was hamburger.

Melissa Villaseñor: I was like, “Man, it must have been so fun to be a little rascal. Then I looked it up. It was not very fun to be a little rascal.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s a bummer to look into. Yeah.

Melissa Villaseñor: You know what always cheers me up though? Exercising. One day I was doing a wall sit for a whole minute. I don’t mean to brag. Then I sneezed like this. [squeaky voice like she is getting ready to sneeze] All my gamers out there know what sounds like, right? Link from Zelda. So I’m sitting there, legs on fire, sneezing like Link doing somersaults. And then, I peed a little. It happens, you know? It was funny. You should have been there.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, really bummed I missed it.

Melissa Villaseñor: I also got pretty creative. I remember I saw that TikTok of that guy skateboarding to Fleetwood Mac. So I thought I’d recreate it myself, you know? But instead of cranberry juice, I was holding my cat Ella. So, I’m skateboarding, holding Ella, singing to her.

[singing] Now here you pour again
you say you want your dinner
wait I don’t know how to skateboard
I’m falling down into a creek
oh, no, I peed again.

Colin Jost: Wow, again, huh?

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. I’m glad you weren’t there for that one. But Colin, I couldn’t have gone through quarantine without relaxing music. And my favorite is Sia. Because she always sounds like she’s bumbled up and cozy in bed. Right? Just…

[singing] Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, [yawning] push it down

Come on, Sia. Start the day!

Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: I wanna tickle my friends again.