Tag: Amazon

Weekend Update First Amazon Union Formed Jen Psaki to Leave White House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jen Psaki at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Press Secretary Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join MSNBC. Damn she’s still at work and already has her next job lined up? That’s as crazy as some of the sketches on season 2 of “That Damn Michael Che”, this summer on HBO Max.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Workers at the Amazon warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a union. The union explains Amazon’s new slogan, “It’d be a real shame if something happened to your package.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men who eat meat more likely to be infertile” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. On the other hand, this dude has five kids that we know of. [Picture chages to Donald Trump]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of “The Daily Wire” logo at left top corner.]

The conservative media organization The Daily Wire said they’ll spend $100 million to create children’s programming to counter woke media companies. Programs will include

Colin Jost: “Clifford the Big straight dog”, “Encanto but an English”, and “One Fish, Two Fish, that’s how many fish genders there are”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Escaped flamingo found 17 years later” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo Colin Jost7 years ago has been spotted in Texas, or and hear me out, flamingos look like of the flamingos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500 pound black bear living on a college campus. A black bear that, let’s face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears. [picture changes to polar bear and a panda]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tyler Perry at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Medea voice while having sex. Damn, dude must like sex drives hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that in the past Michael Che0 years, pre diabetes and children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew breast milk blast.

Amazon Go`

[Starts with people entering a building using their phone at the entrance]

Female voice: Since 2018, Amazon has been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It’s Amazon Go.

Heidi: So I just grabbed what I want and leave?

Female voice: Yep.

Heidi: Wow, that’s so easy.

Female voice: Use the Amazon Go app to enter, then start shopping.

Alex: That’s it?

Female voice: That’s it? No lines. No checkouts.

Chloe: No problem.

Female voice: In an Amazon Go store, you can walk in grab what you want, put it in your bag and just go.

Kenan: Oh, you want me to just take something and walk out? Na, son.

Female voice: It’s so convenient.

Kenan: No, no, no. That’s a trap.

Female voice: We know some people are skeptical.

Ego: Some people?

Female voice: Look, here’s how it works. We use computer vision, deep learning algorithms, and sensor fusion.

Ego: Oh, okay. So it’s a trap?

Punkie: So where do you pay?

Female voice: There’s no register. It all happens with our Grab and Go technology.

Punkie: But where do you pay?

Female voice: You don’t.

Punkie: No, I do. I always pay. Okay. Who do you think I am?

Female voice: It’s simple. Take what you want, put it in your own bag and walk out. And we have everything you love.

Zoë: Oh, hey, they have my favorite brand of Kombucha.

Andrew: Oh, that’s great. You should grab it.

Zoë: Sure. [pauses] Can you grab it?

Andrew: Just grab it.

Zoë: You should pick it up.

Andrew: Hey, it’s fine.

Zoë: Take it up.

Andrew: I’m learning.

Female voice: If you change your mind, just put it back. Our technology will update your virtual cart instantly.

Chris: [in loud voice trying to get attention] Okay, I am putting the sandwich back y’all. I have decided to get a different sandwich today. [showing the empty bag] I got no more sandwiches now. god.

Female voice: So get your purchase and go. [Kenan is at the radio-frequency beeper machine at the exit. He doesn’t know if he should go.] Go ahead, leave. Just walk out.

Kenan: [scared] Here I go. [he walks out and nothing happens] [celebrating] Yay! [he comes back and puts the cash on the machine]

Female voice: You don’t have to do that. You’ve already paid.

Kenan: Well then, it’s a tip. [in loud voice] It’s a tip!

Zoë: If you’re trying to trick me– [beeping] Here we go!

Andrew: It’s just notifying you of your receipts.

Zoë: [with her hands up] It was him!

Chris: Alexa, search “Amazon Go store black man trapped.”

Female voice: Amazon Go. No lines. No checkout. No, seriously.

Punkie: That’s a damn trap!

Amazon Opens New York Headquarters – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[News intro playing] It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael on a news set]

Michael Che: What’s up everyone?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture map marking Queens and Arlington on top right corner] Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, New York and Arlington, Virginia, after it accidentally left both cities [The picture on top right corner changes to screenshot of Amazon shopping cart selling Queens and Arlington cities] in its cart. [The picture on top right corner changes New York city with ‘Question Deal’ tag] A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens, but I’m more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s an Amazon picture on the top left corner] By the way, only New Yorkers could complain about getting 25,000 new jobs. All of the cities who lost out must have been like, “Shut up you whiny bitches.” New York basically won the lottery, and we’re like, “Oh, but the subways might be slightly more crowded.” Meanwhile, people in West Virginia are like, “Well back to the mines.”  I know it’s going to raise housing prices, but it’s a little late for New Yorkers to complain about rent. I mean even Amazon had to move to Queens because it couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of ballot machine on the top right corner] Election officials in Florida said the ballot machine overheated causing mismatch results in the recount. Word, they overheated in 2018 with all this technology. I have a watch that can count every step I take and lets me watch porno on the treadmill for motivation, but your voting machines can’t even handle a little recount? How come the IRS never have these problems? I would love to hear, “We didn’t count your taxes this year because our abacus is busted again.” They always make it so simple to pay taxes, meanwhile to vote we have to physically line up on a Tuesday in November like getting meat rations in the 1930s.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture map of Florida with LGBTQ flag on the top left corner] A county in Florida became the first local government in the state’s history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving. [The picture on the top left corner changes to Presiden Trump and baseball player Babe Rth] On Friday president trump held the presidential medal of freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth, because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of President Trump speaking with black men standing behind him on the top right corner] Because they’re all black. President Trump announced that republicans and democrats have agreed on a criminal justice reform bill. By the way noting makes me more nervous than seeing Donald Trump making an announcement with five black dudes standing behind him. My first thought is, “Oh lord, how much they sell us for?” Anyway, this prison reform is a good thing and probably a trap. At best it’s a good thing but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crack head. I mean it might be a great deal, but at the same time you’re like, “So this dude stole clothes from a baby?”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Roger Stone on the top left corner] Great new report. Six days before the Wikileaks released half the emails from Hillary Clinton’s campaign, Roger Stone who I believe runs a haunted carnival, received a text from a friend reading Hillary Clinton’s campaign will die this week, even though the actual moment her campaign died is when she said this- [Cut to Hillary Clinton speaking] “Pokemon Go to the polls!” [Cut to Colin and the picture on top left corner is of Hillary Clinton] I don’t know. Bet Trump is hoping she will Peek-A-Choose to run again.