Prince Harry… Mikey Day
DeShawn… Chris Redd
Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong
Prince Charles… Beck Bennett
Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon
Meghan’s uncle… Kenan Thompson
Prince William… Alex Moffat
Amber… Heidi Gardner
Sefdevin… Tina Fey
Russell Brand… Pete Davidson
Elton John… Aidy Bryant[Starts with Prince Harry making video at Royal Wedding Reception at Frogmore House]
Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy, Harry Windsor, a.k.a., grown sleezely. Yeah. Official wedding video, 2018. It’s 2 AM, royal reception still going strong. Meghan’s out in the hallway trying to stop some of her white relatives from getting in coz they’re mental. But let’s see who’s hanging out. Right? Everybody’s here. Right?[Prince Harry walks to 2]
What about you? What’s your name?
DeShawn: DeShawn. I’m from Meghan’s side of family.
Prince Harry: Alright. I kind of figured that, right? How are you feeling tonight?
DeShawn: Um, outnumbered but good, man.
Prince Harry: Yeah.[3 walks pass]
Oh, sis-in-law, Kate Middleton, right? You look a little tipsy, Kate.
Kate Middleton: Well, yeah. You know, for the past six years, I’ve been like, pregnant the whole time. So, I’m going hard tonight.
Prince Harry: Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. How much have you had to drink?
Kate Middleton: One glass of champagne, whoooo!
Prince Harry: Lightweight, lightweight. [turns around and sees his father] Oh, there he is. My dad, Prince Charles himself. So, pop, you proud of your youngest son?
Prince Charles: Yes.
Prince Harry: Anything else you’d like to say?
Prince Charles: No.
Prince Harry: Okay, then. Alright. Um, look at this combo here. Meghan’s great uncle talking to my grandmom, the queen of England. [They are sitting at the dining table]
Uncle: [he is drunk] Ay! Harry, man, I was just telling her majesty here that she has got to start watching “The Crown” because they make her look like a bitch on that show. Girl, they’re doing you dirty.
Queen Elizabeth: See, this gentleman has also said that I must visit Philadelphia.
Uncle: Yes! You got to visit Philly, man, and get some real food. Some Philly food.
Prince Harry: Alright. Little drunk. Good luck with that. Oh, now, get a shot of my brother William, the party animal right here.[Prince William is drinking tea.]
He looks 50 years old.
Prince William: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Prince Harry: Hey, how you doing? Chilling alone? Right? Right? What are you drinking, mate?
Prince William: Virgin Hot Toddy.
Prince Harry: So, a tea then. So sorry to hear that your hair could not make it.
Prince William: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha. Brilliant! What a brilliant boy.
Prince Harry: Come on, dance, mate.
Prince William: No. I’m okay.
Prince Harry: Wills, come on. It’s my reception.
Prince William: Well, I suppose I could pass a few.
Prince Harry: There you go.[Prince William and Prince Harry dance for the camera for some time.]
There you go.
Prince William: Oh, no. Grand mom just saw that. Bullocks![Queen Elizabeth is staring furiously at them]
Prince Harry: It’s alright. It’s my fault. Grandma, my fault.
Prince William: Apologize to grand mom.
Prince Harry: Enough family. Let’s go this way. Let’s go see the sheep sheets. We’ll say hi to the rando table. Every wedding’s got one. It’s the people who show up even though you didn’t think they would. Right? So, we’re gonna go say hi. It’s the polite thing to do. So, follow me. [Prince Harry walks through the door] Come on. Here we go. [walks to guests at the table] Alright, hello. How are you?
Prince Harry: How are you doing? You friend of Meghan?
Amber: Yeah. I’m Amber. I worked with Meghan on “Deal or No Deal.” We were briefcase. We were briefcase girls together. I brought my briefcase. [she shows a briefcase to Prince Harry]
Prince Harry: You did. She brought the briefcase. Alright, that’s not sad at all. That’s very cool. I love it. [Prince Harry walks to another guest] Oh, let me guess, you’re from the groom side.
Sefdevin: Yes. I’m Dr. Sefdevin Pon Comp. Your father’s uncle once removed, married my mom who is his cousin. So, I am both your aunt and your niece.
Prince Harry: Lovely.
Sefdevin: Last I saw you, you were we wee boy. it was after polo match in comp.
Prince Harry: Alright, stop saying comp.
Sefdevin: And I was kicked in the face by a horse.
Prince Harry: Oh, yeah. Aunty Creepy. Oh, my lord. Dad used to say if we were bad, we’d have to come live with you.
Sefdevin: Ha-ha-ha. Right, he was because I’m the monster and bit of a paedophile.
Prince Harry: Okay. Wish you well here. Thank you for coming. Here’s your hat. That’s concerning. Alright, let’s go to the celebrity table. Russell Brand!
Russell Brand: Yeah!
Prince Harry: Alright. That’s all. And oh, sir Elton John. Yeah!
Elton John: [singing] Hold me closer, tight,
coz we’re here
Prince Harry: Yeah. Very clever. Yeah. You enjoying yourselves?
Elton John: Look at my jacket, Harry. What do you think? I’m having a wonderful Saturday! [singing]
Prince Harry: Singing the heat. Alright. Oh, he’s an American celebrity, miss Leslie Jones.[Prince Harry walks to Leslie Jones.]
Yeah? Thank you. Leslie, tell everyone why you’re here.
Leslie Jones: Yeah. So, I started tweeting about the wedding 2 days ago. And then I got invited. Just like the olympics. That’s my thing. I might be at that North Korean meeting. We’ll see. Where Oprah at? Oh, there she goes. [yelling] Oprah![Leslie Jones walks away]
Prince Harry: Okay. This is wild. Oh-oh! Look what’s going on over there. Aunt Creepy! [His aunt is kissing DeShawn] Alright, watch out. She is a paedophile. Alright, I need to stop DeShawn from making the worst mistake of his life. Royal 2018. Prince Harry Markle, signing off, right? Yeah!