Weekend Update on Trump Securing Release of American Prisoners

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

You know, I got to admit, president Trump had a pretty good week. He helped secure the release of three American prisoners from North Korea and when he greeted them at the airport, he didn’t even say, “Wait, I thought they were Americans.” Trump bragged that him greeting the prisoners was probably the highest ever television ratings for three o’clock in the morning which is not true. The three AM ratings record was set on election night by liberals hoping they were being pranked.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and few news articles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean, sure. This has been a decent week for Donald Trump. The same way a decent date with R. Kelly is go home dry. Personally, I don’t like when Trump is this quiet. It’s like when I’m baby sitting my nephew and he is quiet for too long and I’m like, “Oh, no. He’s eating out that little box again.”

[Picture changes to Michael Cohen and AT&T logo.]

According to a report, Michael Cohen was paid $600,000 by AT&T to advise them on $85 billion merger. AT&T could not be reached for comment because they use AT&T.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Michael Cohen, AT&T logo, KAI logo and NOVARTIS logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s really funny to me that all these companies were paying Michael Cohen, this guy, for intelligence. He’s like if the word ‘Der’ became a person. This is true. Cohen named his Shell company “Essential Consultatns” which could not sound more fake. It’s like a place George Costanza would pretend to work at. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Robert Mueller] Meanwhile, president Trump attacked the Russian investigation and insisted that obstruction of justice as “a made up phony crime.” Oh, the crime you’re accused of? That’s one’s made up? It’s funny when it comes to immigration, Trump is like, “The law is the law.” But when it comes to himself, he’s like, “Law’s aren’t real. They’re just stories we make up to scare poor people.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump announced that he would be withdrawing the US from the Iran nuclear deal. And look, I’m not gonna pretend I know anything about the Iran deal. But Trump is. And you know the only part of that deal Trump has read was the signature on the bottom that said, “Barack Obama.” That’s all he needed. Trump is undoing so much Obama’s work that Obama is going to start fading away in pictures like “Back To The Future.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Rudy Giuliani has resigned from his law firm to be president Trump’s attorney full time. His first task will be to undo all the damage he did working part time.

[Picture changes to Jeff Sessions.]

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that undocumented parents entering the US would be separated from their children. Unless they can guess that is real name is Rumpelstiltskin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Melania Trump speaking at a podium.]

Michael Che: First Lady Melania Trump or as I’ve been calling her sexy ass Michael Jackson launched a campaign to stop cyber bullying called “Be Best” as in, “It would be best if you got a divorce.”

American Girl Store

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Ben Hartley… Kenan Thompson

Thomas Dean… Mikey Day

Debbie Pritchard… Saoirse Ronan

Karen Kellers… Leslie Jones

Becca Simms… Heidi Gardner

Security… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Action News 9 At Five intro]

Male voice: Action News 9, News At Five, Eye on Phoenix.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon in their news set]

Jack Trask: Good evening, I’m Jack Trask.

Beth Runyon: And I’m Beth Runyon. Out top story, chaos at the Canyon Gallery at a shopping center today as an underground gas main exploded giving shoppers at the American Girl store quite a scare. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt.

Jack Trask: Action 9’s Ben Hartley is live at the Canyon Gallery in downtown Phoenix. [Cut to Ben Hartley] Ben, quite a scene down there today.

Ben Hartley: You can say that again, Jack. I’m joined by Thomas Dean and Debbie Pritchard. Two customers who were inside the American Girl store when the explosion happened. My first question, obviously, are you children okay?

Debbie Pritchard: Um, yes, my daughter’s fine. She’s in the car with her dad.

Ben Hartley: And you, Mr. Dean?

Thomas Dean: Um, I don’t have children. I had just briefly popped in to the American Girl store to buy a doll for someone else. It was not for me. It was a gift.

[Ben Hartley looks at Thomas Dean awkwardly]

Ben Hartley: Okay. Um, was there any warning? Was there any warning right before the explosion happened? What happened?

Debbie Pritchard: Oh. Well, I was in line behind Mr. Dean who was buying his doll.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] As a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And he was arguing with the sales person saying his doll’s hairstyle looks sort of sloppy and not of the period.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Yeah, and then the explosion happened. It was just like a boom!

Debbie Pritchard: Yes! Exactly. And I actually need to thank Mr. Dean because my last thought before the explosion was, you know, “This grown man is alone in a doll store screaming about his doll’s hairstyle.”

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] I barely raised my voice. I wasn’t screaming.

Debbie Pritchard: And I thought it was weird.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Not if it’s a gift, though. Not if it’s a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And I sort of instinctively hugged my daughter closer to me to protect her. And that actually saved her from some of the falling glass.

Ben Hartley: Wow! [looking at Thomas Dean] Well, thank god you were obsessed with your doll’s hairstyle, sir.

Thomas Dean: No. It was more that it was messy. Upper class girls in the 1920s were very put together. So I’m told. I was buying a gift. It was just so chaotic.

Ben Hartley: Yeah. I bet. Um, Jack and Beth, can you believe what you’re hearing?

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Jack Trask: No. I mean, it’s definitely his doll, right?

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’re joined now by representative of Canyon Rock gas, Karen Kellers. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Kellers] Thanks for speaking with us, Ms. Kellers.

Karen Kellers: My pleasure.

Beth Runyon: Now, should residents be concerned by this?

Karen Kellers: There’s no reason to panic. Just because a grown man collects dolls, it doesn’t mean he a predator.

Beth Runyon: Um, Ms. Kellers, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was referring to the gas main explosion.

Karen Kellers: Oh, yes. That’s very bad.

Beth Runyon: Well, okay. Thank you, Ms. Kellers.

[Cut to Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: Let’s check back in with Ben down at the scene. Ben?

[Cut to Ben Hartley. He is with Becca Simms.]

Ben Hartley: Yeah, Jack, Beth, I’m here with another eye witness, Ms. Becca Simms, an employee at the American Girl store. Can you tell us what happened?

Becca Simms: Yes. I work in the cafe where the doll owners can eat with their dolls. I was setting up a table for the gentleman you were just speaking with earlier, Mr. Dean and his doll, Christine Somersby.

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: That wasn’t me. It was someone else.

[Thomas Dean runs out]

Becca Simms: No, no. It was him. He handed me a $20 bill and said, “Give us a table with a view. Christian’s new money. Not Trolly Trash.”

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: Then the explosion happened. Just like, “Boom.” Do you remember the explosion?

Ben Hartley: Yeah, can you explain that?

Thomas Dean: Oh! It was just like a loud “Boom” of no where.

Ben Hartley: No, the phrase ‘Trolly Trash.’

Thomas Dean: Oh! Um, in the 1920s in Christian’s era, prostitutes would look for customers on trollies. So I’m told. It’s just a gift. Oh my god! This looks crazy!

Ben Hartley: Alright, Beth, Jack, I’m seeing an emergency service worker here. [Ben Hartley walks to Security] Sir, can you tell us about the situation inside the store?

Security: Um, sure. I mean, luckily, we have no injuries except for this little lady we found on the ground. [Security shows a doll] [Thomas Dean runs in]

Thomas Dean: She’s gonna be on TV. She might as well have a hat.

[Thomas Dean puts a hat on the doll and runs out.]

It’s a gift.

Security: Uh-huh. But the structural damage is extensive. Right now, it looks like the American Girl store is gonna be closed for eight months.

[Thomas Dean runs in again]

Thomas Dean: Does that include a salon in the second floor?

Security: Whole building.

Thomas Dean: Ah!

[Thomas Dean walks out]

Ben Hartley: Well, thank you for talking with us. Jack, Beth, back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Well, quite an ordeal for those customers down there.

Jack Trask: Oh, he’ll be fine. There’s another American Girl store in Tempi.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update on American Airlines’ Racial Bias

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of American Airlines logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CEO of American Airlines met with the head of the NAACP over allegation has the airline is racially biased. And I bet they both showed up late. It’s okay for me to make that joke because I’m racist. [audience laughing] You know, of all the stereotypes about black people, I have never heard that we are bad on planes. Now, if you said the NAACP had a meeting with the CEO of Lowe’s movie theaters, yeah, that tracks. But black people are awesome on planes. We always have our headphones. We always wear socks. We never talk to strangers unless we are telling you to shut that baby up. The real people you need to worry about on planes are white women named Gail who claps when plane lands.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of MTV Floribama Shore logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: MTV has launced a spin-off of it’s hit ‘Jersey Shore’ series set on the coast of Alabama and Florida called ‘Floribama Shore’, where the cast members can contract Gonnormidia.

[Picture changes to a Halloween candy basket.]

A mom in Wisconsin told police that she found a pack of meth in her child’s halloween candy right after police asked her why she was raking the leaves naked at midnight.

American Households Cold Open

Snowman… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Bowen Yang

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Heidy Gardner

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Greta Thunberg… Kate McKinnon

[starts with a cartoon picture of a snow man and the states map picture of the USA] [Cut to the snowman]

Snowman: Well, well, well, it’s almost Christmas. And folks in America seem more divided than every. But if we listen in to some dinner conversations tonight, I bet we’d find out we have more in common than we realize. Now we can listen. I hacked into three nest home cams. Take a look.

[Cut to a home in San Francisco, California] [Cut to a family having dinner]

Cecily: I’m so happy everyone flew here for the holidays. And I’m even more happy that they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.
Melissa: Mom, come on. We said no politics tonight.

[Cut to Speaker 4 and Speaker 5]

Kyle: I don’t know what took them so long. Trump is a criminal.

Kevin: He violated the constitution. There has to be consequences.

[Cut to Speaker 3]

Melissa: Here we go.

[Cut to a home in Charleston, South Carolina] [Cut to a family having dinner]

Beck: Well, they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.

Mikey: Dad, stop.

Beck: I’m sorry, it’s a disgrace. What crime did he even commit?

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Heidi: I guess the crime of being an alpha male who actually gets things done.

Mikey: Okay!

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: The democrats lost the election. Now, they’re attempting a coup.

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Mikey: Alright, here we go.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia] [Cut to a family having dinner]

Chris: Dad, come on. You’re going to rile everybody up.

Kenan: What? I’m just asking. Do you guys think “Bad Boys 3” is gonna be good or not? I mean, it’s got to be good. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence back together.

Ego: Yeah, but is Martin Lawrence still Martin Lawrence?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, you not too old to get a spanking! That’s Martin Lawrence you talking about.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I hate to say this, but can we please talk about politics, instead?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, you mean how Trump is definitely getting impeached and then definitely getting reelected? I’m good.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: I just don’t understand who on earth could vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Heidi: How could anyone not vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Who you think is gonna get voted off “The Masked Singer” next week? I think it’s the Fox.

Ego: You mean Wayne Brady?

Kenan: What? It’s obvious Jamie Foxx. Fox. Jamie Fox. It almost makes too much sense. I bet you Jamie Fox could beat Trump.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dad, Trump’s not gonna win. People aren’t gonna vote for him again.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What people? White people? If white people tell you, “I might not vote for Trump this time,” You know what that’s called right? A lie. Nobody was gonna vote for Trump in 2016 either, and then guess who did? Everybody. Now see, you got me all worked up. I need drink.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Well, I just need to say this, okay? If Obama did half the stuff Trump did, he would be in jail already.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: The fact is Obama did way worse stuff than Trump ever did and they didn’t impeach him.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Can you believe they didn’t kill Obama? I thought they was going to kill him for sure.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Mikey: Guys, maybe we should put on some Christmas music to help everybody relax?

Beck: Maybe you’re right.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Alexa, play “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Alexa, play the politically correct version of “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Alexa, play “Santa Claus is coming to town by Michael Jackson.”

Chris: Dad!

Kenan: All right, all right. Play “Santa Claus is coming to town” by the Jackson 5.

Chris: That’s better.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: I mean, I don’t like all the democratic candidates but, I’d take any of them over four more years of Trump.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: I don’t agree with everything Trump is doing, but he’s way better than any of those democrats.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: You know who I’m starting to like a lot? That Pete Buttigieg. [everybody laughing]

Ego: Okay, okay, dad, that’s a good one.

Chris: You should have seen your face.

Kenan: You should have seen your face.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Oh, my god. I just got a notification. I tweeted a photo of Trump’s head on the body of a Charmin bear, and he didn’t realize it was a joke and he retweeted it. [laughing] [Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Oh, my god, I tweeted that Nancy Pelosi was a libtard commie and Trump retweeted it and he nominated me to be a federal judge.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Oh, my god! Cory Booker just retweeted me and nobody noticed.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: Hey, why don’t we all say a secular blessing of thanks. Kevin, you want to lead us?

Kevin: I’d love to. Dear gender neutral spirits.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Dear white original American Jesus—

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Dear historically correct black Jesus.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Thank you for no more kneeling in the NFL. That was very hard for me.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Thank you, lord, for the not one, not two, but three black quarterbacks who have beat Tom Brady this season. Colin Kaepernick, you move in mysterious ways.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Thank you for the super bowl halftime show and that’s it.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Everybody: A-women!

[Cut to the snow man]

Snowman: Now, those three families may seem different but you see, they have one important thing in common. They live in states where their votes don’t matter, because none of them live in the three states that will decide the election. They’ll debate the issues all year long, but then it all comes down to a thousand people in Wisconsin who won’t even think about the election until the morning of. And that’s the magic of electoral college.

[Greta Thunberg walks in]

Great Thunberg: My name is Greta Thunberg. And I also have a Christmas message. In ten years, this snowman won’t exist. Her home will be a puddle. Santa, reindeer, the north pole, all of it, gone. The ice caps will melt and the elves will drown.

Snowman: Greta!

Greta Thunberg: What? You said keep it light. So merry, maybe our last Christmas to all and Donald Trump, step to me and I will come at you like plastic straw comes at a turtle. I cannot believe I’m saying this to a 70 year old man, but grow up.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.