Ron Howard… Tom Hanks
Cecily Strong[Starts with America’s Funniest Pets intro]
Female voice: [singing] America’s looking at cats,
America’s looking at dogs,
America’s looking at birds, going nuts
America’s looking, America’s looking at,
America’s Funniest Pets
Announcer: With your host, Ron Howard.[Cut to Ron Howard in his set]
Ron Howard: Hey, hey. Hey, hey there. Hey. Hey. Hey, it’s me Ron Howard, how cool is that? Huh? I know, I know, I know you probably asking yourself, why the heck am I hosting a pet blooper show? Well, in simple, pet bloopers just make me giggle. Ha-ha-ha. You know, I could use a good laugh after working all day. Well, I look like Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Tom Hanks but what a pain in the ass. It’s okay. Alright. Who is ready to laugh at some funny pets. I know I am. Check out this first clip.[Cut to a cat in a bathroom sink. The tap is on a little and she is looking at her soaking body.]
Oh boy. Oh boy. I am feeling so relaxed right now. If I fall in the water, call a per a medic. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Ron Howard] Okay, you believe it or not, there is a prince version of this show and we’re lucky enough to have the host with us today. So, please welcome [mumbles their names] [Kate and Cecily walk in]
Hey, hey, how are you doing? Great to see you. It’s really great to see you. Hey, hi.
Kate: [strong French accent] Thank you for having us.
Cecily: [strong French accent] Yes. You know, we love you, Ron Howard. We love your movies like Cacoon.
Kate: Wi, Cacoon. [French language] Cacoon.
Cecily: [French language] Cacoon.
Kate: Back draft.
Cecily: Back draft.
Kate: Back draft.
Ron Howard: Hey, that’s great. That’s great. That’s great. Yeah. Well, since you’ve come all the way from France, I’d love to see you do a clip.
Cecily: Yeah, of course we will do the blooper for you.
Kate: We can do. Request is [French language]
Ron Howard: Great, great. Let’s take it away.[Cut to a video clip of a cat peeking from the side of the bed.]
Cecily: Oh, this cat here is witnessing a violent murder.
Kate: The victim scream, “Please call for help.”
Cecily: But he is paralyzed.
Kate: It will hunt him forever because he can’t watch a man beat to death and he do nothing.
Cecily: Yes. In this moment, he learn he is a true coward.[Cut to Ron Howard]
Ron Howard: Okay. Okay, okay. Wow. You know, but it’s the director in me, but can I give you a note?[Cut to Kate and Cecily]
Cecily: Yeah, of course.
Ron Howard: Okay, could you try to make it more silly. You know, more fun? May try to put a pun in there. Like, you’re freaking meow (me out). Ha-ha-ha. Okay, okay. Roll the clip.[Cut to a video clip of a cat holding a bar and sleeping]
Cecily: Oh, this cat is waiting on his dead beat dad but he’s once again with his whore. It’s a hotel, he provide no [unintelligible] [Cut to a video clip of a piglet moving]
Kate: This pig dance not for joy but for sexual pleasure.
Cecily: You see just behind him, it’s an audience of masturbating businessmen.
Kate: Oink, comfortable
Cecily: This is how we do it.[Cut to a video clip of cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]
Oh, this cat is dead fro drug overdose.[Cut to another video clip of a cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]
Kate: And this cat is being prepared for morgue. Just kitten (kidding).
Cecily: Bun chicken meow, meow.
Kate: Not bad, huh?
Cecily: not bad.[Cut to Ron Howard]
Ron Howard: Cheese and rice. Can I just give you one more just, just one adjustment? Maybe try one where, “I don’t feel like killing myself.” Try some cartoony noises and catch phrases. Here, here. Watch me.[Cut to a video clip of a dog with long neck looking at the camera funnily]
Oh, dorpy-dorp-dorp. I’m the mean old dog and this is what I think about you. Phrrr. Dorpy-dorp-dorp-dorp. [Cut to Ron Howard, Kate and Cecily] Alright? Alright?
Cecily: You know, dorpy-dorpy-dorp.
Kate: Dorp-dorp, get the job done.
Ron Howard: Okay, cool, cool. Great. Great. Let’s try it.[Cut to a video clip of a dog walking on two feet at the grocery store.]
Cecily: Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My mother is dead back there. Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My brains are on my balls.
Kate: Barp-badarp-badar. This looks very bad for me. I am a payroll. Bleh!
Cecily: Bloopy-bloopy-bloopy. Please, someone, my mother is in back split in the middle. I’m covered in my mother.
Kate: Da-da-da-da. I think she may still be breathing. Someone, bring her out of her misery.
Cecily: Oh, check please.
Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.
Kate and Cecily: Dohh![Cut to Ron Howard]
Ron Howard: Okay, okay. I think that’s the best we’re gonna get.[Cut to Kate and Cecily]
Kate: We did good. We did good.
Cecily: Yeah, we should come back every week.[Cut to everybody]
Ron Howard: Well, well, let’s not get crazy.
Cecily: Ron Howard, fantastic.
Kate: Ron Howard![The End]