Whiskers R We with Amy Adams

Barbara Dudoo… Kate McKinnon

Ashley… Amy Adams

[Starts with Barbara and Ashley speaking for an ad.]

Barbara: Cat.

Ashley: A Cat is a treasure you hold with your heart.

Barbara: A Cat is a glass of champagne, but it’s a Cat.

Ashley: Cats have paws, claws and zero flaws.

Barbara: So come on down for a holiday cat giveaway, here at “Whiskers R’ We.” Hi, I’m Barbara Dudoo.

Ashley: And I’m Ashley, Barbara’s new girlfriend.

Barbara: Shh, cats don’t have to know our business.

Ashley: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: Lets meet some of our most eligible Cat-chlors, shall we?

[Barbara pulls up a kitten]

This is Harisa. She is a British short haired. So, she used the looter box.

[Barbara and Ashley laugh]

Cat puns are fun.

Ashley: You’re fun.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Moving right along. For those of you sex and the city fans [Barbara gets a big cat] we call her Samantha because she has a wicked sense of humor and she’s 55 years old.

Ashley: She’s going through mano-paws. P-A-W-S.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

Barbara: We call this cat, Cat-Steven. Because he has a beautiful voice and because he recently converted into hardcore Islam.

[Ashley caresses Barbara’s cleavage.]

Ashley: Oops, you got a little hair right there.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Don’t fuss with that. I’m wearing falsies for the commercial. Come on.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

This is Toby. Toby is a textbook narcissist. He’s incredibly manipulative and deceitful but I guess I’m the dummy for giving him power of attorney.

Ashley: Toby goes for long walks at night and he won’t tell us where he has been.

Barbara: Last night, he came home wearing a wrist band from an Adam Lambert concert.

[Barbara brings in another big cat]

Whoops! Bobo is out of this world. By which I mean he is maybe definitely an alien. We found him in a glowing pit in the ground. If you’re watching this on his planet, please come and get him. We’re running out of methane and that’s all he likes to breathe.

[Ashley starts touching Barbara’s breasts]

Ashley: He’s still fun to pet though.

Barbara: Ashley! I think you know where the cat ends and my boobs begin. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. [Barbara carries another kitten] This is Don.

Ashley: This cat thinks he’s people and I’m not sure he’s wrong.

Barbara: It’s something in the eyes. And in the way he looks at me in the eyes and says, “Help me, Barbara. My name is Donald Berk. I am not a cat, I am a man. I am a man!”

So come on down to our holiday cat giveaway weekend. With cat prices starting as low as we give you $twenty.

Ashley: Why won’t you say you love them?

Barbara: I wrote it down. What to you want? Come on down!

[Cut to Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We holiday cat giveaway. See you there.

[cheers and applause]

Singing Sisters

Bartender… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Helen… Cecily Strong

Ileen… Kate McKinnon

Throbecca… Amy adams

[Starts with “A Magical Christmas” video bumper.] [Cut to a bar. There is one bartenders and two customers at the bar booth.]

Bartender: Another round for you gentlemen?

Kyle: You know it. I gotta forget about a dang.

Bobby: Yeah, and I gotta forget about this haircut.

[Cut to three ladies walking in]

Helen: Well, it looks like your luck is picking up.

[Kyle turns around]

Kyle: Va-va-va-hoo!

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Hi, fellas! I am Helen.

Ileen: I am Ileen.

Throbecca: And I am Throbecca.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: That’s an interesting name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Helen? Thanks, I chose it myself.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Um, okay.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: So, are you bellas gonna fuy us a drink?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Don’t you mean, “Are you fellas gonna buy us a drink?”

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Buy you a drink? Nice try mister. What do we look like?

Helen: Yeah, mister. What do we look like? Do we look the way we’re supposed to?

Ileen: Yeah, we wanna know how we look to you.\

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You look like three dangs that could use a drink. What could we get ya?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: I’ll tell ya. You pick them and make us guess what they are.

Throbecca: If we guess, we have to find the nastiest piece of garbage and chew on it.

Helen: But we don’t have to swallow it, just chew. Okay? Promise?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’ll buy you drinks but you don’t have to chew on garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Well, we will if we get it wrong. That’s the deal.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want you to do that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Yeah, right. You say that now, then cut to me guessing my drink wrong and then… I’m chewing on a trash.

Helen: But remember, we’re not swallowing it. Just chewing.

Ileen: Sometimes there’s dead mice in there.

Helen: Say, where are the trash cans in here for when the time comes?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’re not going to let you eat garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Ha-ha. You’re funny. Now, excuse us. We’ve got a song to sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Throbecca: Be right back.

[the ladies go to the stage.] [Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Wow, what is with these dangs?

Kyle: That’s just how women flirt these days.

[music playing] [Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Dundy Sisters.

Ileen: Here we go.

Ladies: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

Helen: We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Is that the whole show?

Kyle: They’re already done?

[Cut to everybody. The ladies walk to Kyle and Bobby]

Throbecca: Well, what do you think of that?

Helen: Did you know it was us up there?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: What did we look like?

Throbecca: We were moving, right?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: You looked great and here are your drinks.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle and Bobby are passing the ladies their drinks.]

Helen: Oh! Thank you. Time to guess. And don’t worry, I remember our deal. If I guess wrong, I get to yum yum garbage.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You get to?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: These are your rules, mister.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We didn’t make up any rules.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: And please distribute the garbage equally amongst us.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want to give you any garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Yeah, right! And don’t go anywhere. We have to do our next song.

[The ladies put their glasses on the bar booth and walk to the stage.] [Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Are they really gonna chew on garbage?

Bobby: I don’t know. I think these girls are on something.

Kyle: She left her purse. Check it out.

Bobby: Alright.

[Bobby takes her purse and looks through it.]

Oh, yuck! It’s just filled with garbage in here.

Kyle: Oh, it stinks. What kind of dangs are these?

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.] [music playing]

Ladies: [singing] It’s almost Christmas
the tings are really tinging
and bums are really bumming
for Christmas
where were you when Santa fell
ting ting ting

[the ladies ccme off the stage]

Ileen: Hey, where are you going?

Kyle: We’re out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, you dangs are a bunch of cuckoo birds.

[Kyle and Bobby leave]

Throbecca: Oh, look at that. Those bums took off.

[The ladies sit on the bar booth.]

Helen: This was not how this was supposed to go. What about our Christmas wish?

[midnight bell donging]

Bartender: Well, ladies, you hear that clock? I’m afraid you know the rules. Your Christmas wish is over. It’s time for you three to turn back into raccoons.

Throbecca: But we only got half our wish.

Ileen: We wanted to be singers and kiss on a man.

Bartender: Ha-ha. Well, maybe next year. Merry Christmas you raccoons.

[Bartender throws a spell on the ladies and they turn into raccoons.] [the raccoons singing]

Raccoons: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

[cheers and applause]