Tag: Amy Adams

Whiskers R We with Amy Adams

Barbara Dudoo… Kate McKinnon

Ashley… Amy Adams

[Starts with Barbara and Ashley speaking for an ad.]

Barbara: Cat.

Ashley: A Cat is a treasure you hold with your heart.

Barbara: A Cat is a glass of champagne, but it’s a Cat.

Ashley: Cats have paws, claws and zero flaws.

Barbara: So come on down for a holiday cat giveaway, here at “Whiskers R’ We.” Hi, I’m Barbara Dudoo.

Ashley: And I’m Ashley, Barbara’s new girlfriend.

Barbara: Shh, cats don’t have to know our business.

Ashley: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: Lets meet some of our most eligible Cat-chlors, shall we?

[Barbara pulls up a kitten]

This is Harisa. She is a British short haired. So, she used the looter box.

[Barbara and Ashley laugh]

Cat puns are fun.

Ashley: You’re fun.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Moving right along. For those of you sex and the city fans [Barbara gets a big cat] we call her Samantha because she has a wicked sense of humor and she’s 55 years old.

Ashley: She’s going through mano-paws. P-A-W-S.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

Barbara: We call this cat, Cat-Steven. Because he has a beautiful voice and because he recently converted into hardcore Islam.

[Ashley caresses Barbara’s cleavage.]

Ashley: Oops, you got a little hair right there.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Don’t fuss with that. I’m wearing falsies for the commercial. Come on.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

This is Toby. Toby is a textbook narcissist. He’s incredibly manipulative and deceitful but I guess I’m the dummy for giving him power of attorney.

Ashley: Toby goes for long walks at night and he won’t tell us where he has been.

Barbara: Last night, he came home wearing a wrist band from an Adam Lambert concert.

[Barbara brings in another big cat]

Whoops! Bobo is out of this world. By which I mean he is maybe definitely an alien. We found him in a glowing pit in the ground. If you’re watching this on his planet, please come and get him. We’re running out of methane and that’s all he likes to breathe.

[Ashley starts touching Barbara’s breasts]

Ashley: He’s still fun to pet though.

Barbara: Ashley! I think you know where the cat ends and my boobs begin. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. [Barbara carries another kitten] This is Don.

Ashley: This cat thinks he’s people and I’m not sure he’s wrong.

Barbara: It’s something in the eyes. And in the way he looks at me in the eyes and says, “Help me, Barbara. My name is Donald Berk. I am not a cat, I am a man. I am a man!”

So come on down to our holiday cat giveaway weekend. With cat prices starting as low as we give you $twenty.

Ashley: Why won’t you say you love them?

Barbara: I wrote it down. What to you want? Come on down!

[Cut to Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We holiday cat giveaway. See you there.

[cheers and applause]

Singing Sisters

Bartender… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Helen… Cecily Strong

Ileen… Kate McKinnon

Throbecca… Amy adams

[Starts with “A Magical Christmas” video bumper.] [Cut to a bar. There is one bartenders and two customers at the bar booth.]

Bartender: Another round for you gentlemen?

Kyle: You know it. I gotta forget about a dang.

Bobby: Yeah, and I gotta forget about this haircut.

[Cut to three ladies walking in]

Helen: Well, it looks like your luck is picking up.

[Kyle turns around]

Kyle: Va-va-va-hoo!

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Hi, fellas! I am Helen.

Ileen: I am Ileen.

Throbecca: And I am Throbecca.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: That’s an interesting name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Helen? Thanks, I chose it myself.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Um, okay.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: So, are you bellas gonna fuy us a drink?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Don’t you mean, “Are you fellas gonna buy us a drink?”

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Buy you a drink? Nice try mister. What do we look like?

Helen: Yeah, mister. What do we look like? Do we look the way we’re supposed to?

Ileen: Yeah, we wanna know how we look to you.\

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You look like three dangs that could use a drink. What could we get ya?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: I’ll tell ya. You pick them and make us guess what they are.

Throbecca: If we guess, we have to find the nastiest piece of garbage and chew on it.

Helen: But we don’t have to swallow it, just chew. Okay? Promise?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’ll buy you drinks but you don’t have to chew on garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Well, we will if we get it wrong. That’s the deal.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want you to do that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Yeah, right. You say that now, then cut to me guessing my drink wrong and then… I’m chewing on a trash.

Helen: But remember, we’re not swallowing it. Just chewing.

Ileen: Sometimes there’s dead mice in there.

Helen: Say, where are the trash cans in here for when the time comes?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’re not going to let you eat garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Ha-ha. You’re funny. Now, excuse us. We’ve got a song to sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Throbecca: Be right back.

[the ladies go to the stage.] [Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Wow, what is with these dangs?

Kyle: That’s just how women flirt these days.

[music playing] [Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Dundy Sisters.

Ileen: Here we go.

Ladies: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

Helen: We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Is that the whole show?

Kyle: They’re already done?

[Cut to everybody. The ladies walk to Kyle and Bobby]

Throbecca: Well, what do you think of that?

Helen: Did you know it was us up there?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: What did we look like?

Throbecca: We were moving, right?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: You looked great and here are your drinks.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle and Bobby are passing the ladies their drinks.]

Helen: Oh! Thank you. Time to guess. And don’t worry, I remember our deal. If I guess wrong, I get to yum yum garbage.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You get to?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: These are your rules, mister.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We didn’t make up any rules.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: And please distribute the garbage equally amongst us.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want to give you any garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Yeah, right! And don’t go anywhere. We have to do our next song.

[The ladies put their glasses on the bar booth and walk to the stage.] [Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Are they really gonna chew on garbage?

Bobby: I don’t know. I think these girls are on something.

Kyle: She left her purse. Check it out.

Bobby: Alright.

[Bobby takes her purse and looks through it.]

Oh, yuck! It’s just filled with garbage in here.

Kyle: Oh, it stinks. What kind of dangs are these?

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.] [music playing]

Ladies: [singing] It’s almost Christmas
the tings are really tinging
and bums are really bumming
for Christmas
where were you when Santa fell
ting ting ting

[the ladies ccme off the stage]

Ileen: Hey, where are you going?

Kyle: We’re out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, you dangs are a bunch of cuckoo birds.

[Kyle and Bobby leave]

Throbecca: Oh, look at that. Those bums took off.

[The ladies sit on the bar booth.]

Helen: This was not how this was supposed to go. What about our Christmas wish?

[midnight bell donging]

Bartender: Well, ladies, you hear that clock? I’m afraid you know the rules. Your Christmas wish is over. It’s time for you three to turn back into raccoons.

Throbecca: But we only got half our wish.

Ileen: We wanted to be singers and kiss on a man.

Bartender: Ha-ha. Well, maybe next year. Merry Christmas you raccoons.

[Bartender throws a spell on the ladies and they turn into raccoons.] [the raccoons singing]

Raccoons: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

[cheers and applause]

Serial The Christmas Surprise

Sarah Kinik… Cecily Strong

Jennifer… Amy Adams

Chris… Kyle Mooney

David… Kenan Thompson

Dana… Kate McKinnon

Jingle… Jay Phroah

Adina Hernandez… Aidy Bryang

[Starts with clips of recording studio] [Cut to Sarah Kinik getting near the mic]

Sarah Kinik narrating: I want you to think about things you can’t see. Rotation of the planets. Electricity. Gravity. Because we only see the results and not the process, should we come to the conclusion that it doesn’t exist? I’m Sarah Kinik. On December 25th 1999, a small boy awoken ball to our Maryland. [Cut to and old video of a boy opening his Christmas gifts] He went down to his living room and found a NERF End Strike Mega Magnus Blaster. It’s mouthful, I know, that’s the toy you want it. Toy had no tag, no receipt. As if it appeared out of thin air. The boy maintained the toy had been brought by magic by a mysterious man named Chris. But I had to ask myself, could Christ really had done this? And if so, how?

[Cut to SERIAL: One Story Told Week by Week video bumper.] [Cut to Jennifer speaking like in documentaries.]

Jennifer: Toys just appear at our house. Not just this year. Every year.

Interviewer: And you’re not buying them?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: That’s Jennifer, the boy’s mother.

[Cut to video of Sarah Kinik visiting Jennifer’s house.]

She’s actually the one who contacted me about this story. She sides with her son saying that she wasn’t responsible for the gift. Like, Chris did it. That he snuck into her house in the middle of the night and just left things. She said she even has proof.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and Jennifer in front of the chimney]

Jennifer: I left the cookies. And when I woke up, they were gone.

Sarah Kinik: And nobody followed up with you on this?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: For the past year, I’ve been talking to Chris. [Cut to Chris making toys] A thousand year old toy maker who lives up north. It should be noted that Chris is part of the population who identify themselves as Elves. Their minority in the United States often looked shifty, secretive. But I’ll get to that later. Chris says that he not only left the toy for the boy in Baltimore, but he leaves millions of toys for kids around the world. And he does it one night. I know, shocking, right?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] You know, it’s like, you said you hit every house. I mean, you understand that’s hard for people to swallow, you know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] Look, I don’t know how it works, you know? You’re either going to believe in me or not, but I know it’s real. Okay?

Sarah Kinik narrating: Christ would get like this sometimes about the more unbelievable parts of the story. But I guess he was right. How do you explain these things?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] It’s just, you said you hit every town. Like, you understand, that’s hard for people to swallow, right? You know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] And I understand that. I get that, you know. But for me, when it comes down to, is like, Christmas magic. You know what I mean? I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t know what to say, you know?

Sarah Kinik narrating: I had to follow up on this. It just seemed so outlandish. [Cut to Sarah Kinik meeting David] So, I called my friend David who has been delivering packages for 12 years. The same kind of packages Chris would have been delivering.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and David]

Sarah Kinik: What would the timeline be for someone to deliver a series of presents throughout the world. Is that even possible?

[Cut to David]

David: Nah! I don’t think so.

Sarah Kinik narrating: I should mention that David works for UPS, which would be in direct competition with Chris.

David: No, I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

David: If he says he can do it, he is lying.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, we attempted it.

[Cut to Dana and Sarah Kinik building a sleigh out of card boards.]

My producer Dana and I built a sleigh. We couldn’t get reindeer so we got a small horse. Needless to say it went badly. Horse wouldn’t even fly.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] We tried this. We didn’t even get close, you know?

Chris: But you didn’t have my reindeer! You know what I’m saying? Like, magic reindeer only know where I’m at. Yo, regular people can’t just make a reindeer fly. You know what I’m saying?

Sarah Kinik: Yeah.

Sarah Kinik narrating: This is my biggest problem with Chris’s story. I understand hitting one town overnight. Maybe two. But every town in the world just didn’t seem right. That brings us to Jingle. [Cut to Jingle] Jingle’s an elf who claims he was with Chris on December 25th, 1999. He says they drove around, got high, hung out. That’s it. No presents, no flying. Jingle was the prosecution star witness in a trial against Chris on 24th street a few years ago. Here’s a recording of defense attorney Adina Hernandez cross examining Jingle back then.

Adina Hernandez: Now, Jingle. Did you tell the other elves on March 14th that Chris was magic?

Jingle: No, Ma’am, I did not.

Adina Hernandez: You never? Not once?

Jingle: No, Ma’am.

Adina Hernandez: Whaaaaaat?

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, if Jingle didn’t see Chris leave the present, did anyone? Maybe there are people out there who claim they’ve seen Chris leave lots of presents. Maybe they’ve written in letters. Maybe they’ve sat on his lap. And then there’s the Nisha call. Next time on SERIAL.

[Cut to Dana]

Dana: So, it’s mail kim? (MailChimp)

Sarah Kinik: what?

 

Office Christmas Party (Amy Adams)

Shy Girl, Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Jay Pharoah

Kevin… Beck Bennett

Randy… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with people in a party at office.]

Kathy: Ah! The party is terrible.

Carol: That’s the worst. [Cut to Tom dancing and using his laptop] Tom keeps playing Ghost Busters. [Cut to Jerry, Kathy and Carol] Why would he do that at a holiday party?

Jerry: You know what my Christmas wish is? This party was banging.

[Cut to Pete and Jay walking in from the door. They’re dressed for the party. There’s smoke as in the room as they enter.]

Jay: Did somebody make a wish?

[Cut to everybody]

Jerry: Um, I did.

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Pete: Well, it’s about to come true.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: What are you guys? Angels or something?

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Jay: It doesn’t matter.

Pete: Let’s turn this bitch up.

[Hiphop beat drops and the music video begins.]

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party

[The people in the office are drinking shots.]

Office Christmas Party
Shy girl from payroll sort of dancing
Office Christmas Party
Jerry and Kathy are hitting it off
Office Christmas Party
Dave did impression of an IT guy and crushed it
Office Christmas Party

Crazy seeing the cleaning lady not in the uniform
Office Christmas Party
Kevin still trying to finish some work
Office Christmas Party
Randy made a slideshow but can’t work the projector
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media is way too drunk
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media just jumped into the Christmas tree
Office Christmas Party
Someone control Carol from new media
This is getting out of hand
we love that people are having fun
but do us a favor and just be safe guys
Oh, snap! The boss is making it rain gift cards

[music stops] [Cut to Shy Girl singing Christmas song]

Shy Girl: We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I’m Becky and I am from payroll. Out!

[Shy girl drops the mic and starts the rapping]

Now let’s get crazy

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Oh, snap!

[All the employees are partying]

Why is there a goat here?
Office Christmas Party

Jay: What?

Pete and Jay: Peace!

Girlfriends Talk Show with Amy Adams and One Direction

Morgan… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Megan… Amy Adams

Dancer guys… One Direction

[Starts with Girlfriends talk show intro]

Female singing: Girlfriends talking about guys and stuff
Girlfriends talking about you guys and clothes
Girlfriends talk show.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Morgan and Cara at their set.]

Cara: Hi, I am Cara and this is how I do me.

Morgan: Yeah. And I am Morgan, and I do myself a few different ways.

Cara: Morgan, don’t say it like that. We’re BFFs.

Morgan: Yeah, Best Fabulous Females.

Cara: I haven’t seen Morgan in a while coz she has been really busy with the school dance team.

Morgan: Yeah. My involvement with the dance squad has basically taken over my life. It’s my passion. It’s totally eclipsed loom art.

Cara: Then you’re gonna love our surprise guest, Morgan. I invited captain of your dance squad. She’s gonna tell us how good you are.

Morgan: Oh, no. Ask me first. Always!

Cara: Please welcome Megan Carter Cosgro.

[Megan walks in a cheerleader outfit and sits beside Cara.] [cheers and applause.]

Megan: Hi, Cara. Thanks for having me on your show. Morgan and I haven’t seen each other in a long, long time.

Cara: Why, isn’t she in your dance squad?

Megan: Well, that is a really interesting question. Is Morgan on my dance squad?

Morgan: Hmm, mother earth, please, take me away. Give me the powers of flight.

Megan: Um, do you wanna tell her the truth, Morgan? Coz, I’m known as the sweetie and I think the answer will embarrass you.

Cara: So, just say it Morgan.

Morgan: Very well. I am a fourth alternate. I basically just hang out and I wait for a disaster to happen to someone.

Cara: Awesome! First topic… Dance moves—

Morgan: [interrupting Cara] True life angel stories.

Cara: Dance moves.

Morgan: Oh, no.

Megan: Yeah, Morgan. Since you claim to be a part of the team, you must know all of the dances.

Morgan: Oh, this is a girl trap. I can feel it.

Megan: Let’s do, body pump 2,000.

[music playing] [Morgan and Megan stand to dance.] [Megan dances but Morgan is just shaking her body.]

Cara: Well, one of you wasn’t doing the dance and my gut says Morgan.

Morgan: I was just marking it. I’m saving it out for the show.

Megan: But you’re not in the show.

Morgan: Okay. Well, if four girls get hurt, I am in the show. So, you better take your chewable vitamins along with your bitch sandwich and then go ahead and sit on the sandwich as well.

Cara: Morgan! Chill out.

Megan: The real reason Morgan isn’t in the team is because she seizes up when any of the guy dancers are around.

Morgan: Not true.

Cara: Good! Coz they’re here.

Morgan: The guys?

Cara: Yeah. Please welcome Bret, Parker, Brandon, Brason and Scot.

[The guys walk in dancing wearing the matching outfit as Megan]

Bret: What’s up, Morgan?

Parker: Hello, Morgan.

Brandon: What’s up, girl?

Brason: Yo!

Scot: What’s up?

Brason: Long time no see, girl.

Scot: How’s your guinea pig?

[Cut to Morgan and Cara]

Morgan: I wana-ta-ta-yai-yai… [she can’t speak] [Cut to everybody]

Megan: See?

Cara: Morgan, make a word.

Morgan: G-G-G-Gout!

Bret: Hey, Cara.

Cara: Hey.

Parker: Hello, Cara.

Cara: Hi.

Brandon: What’s up?

Cara: Hi.

Brason: What’s up?

Morgan: Wait, how did they all know you?

Cara: Oh, they’re all my ex-boyfriends. No hard feelings, right guys? People change, people move on, people grow.

Megan: Yeah, I heard you’re dating a cool older guy.

Cara: Yeah! My boyfriend’s older. He lives on a house boat now coz of water laws, coz he hates housing taxes. He says they’ll have to price taxes from his cold dead hands. I’ve never been on it. Every Sunday, I go to the dock and stand on a shrimp cage and eat a lobster roll while he watches from a tiny port hole. Sometimes I can see one eye looking at me. Other times just a mouth laughing. My boyfriend’s crazy!

Parker: As long as you’re happy…

Brandon: We happy!

Megan: Guys, you know what would make great TV? Us dancing.

Bret: Hey, Morgan. Can I have this dance with you?

Morgan: Oh, my god. I am blasting out of my pants right now.

Cara: Morgan, you didn’t mean to say that out loud I think.

Morgan: No, you are right. Cara, let the dancing begin.

[music playing] [everybody are dancing, including Morgan] [cheers and applause]

Asian American Doll

[Starts with three girls playing in their play room]

Female voice: You and your dolls do everything together. You’ve gone to shopping with Christy.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie.]

Girl: Yeah!

Female voice: Cheered for the winning team with Stacey.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie]

Girl: Go!

Female voice: And planned a wedding with Stephanie.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie]

Girl: So pretty.

[Cut to all three girls]

Female voice: And this Christmas, it’s time to meet a brand new doll. It’s Asian American doll. The doll that’s Asian American.

[Cut to a girl carrying the new doll]

Girl: I love Asian American doll.

Female voice: We’re glad to hear it because we had to have a lot of sensitivity meetings about her. She was very tricky.

Girl: What’s Asian American doll’s name?

Another girl: She doesn’t have a name.

Female voice: That’s because, last Christmas we released a native American doll named ‘Flying Eagle’. And we haven’t heard the end of it.

Girl: Okay.

Another girl: I’m gonna name her Kiko.

Female voice: Alright, but you did that. Not us.

[Cut to mom walking in]

Mom: Naomi, it’s almost time to do your math homework.

Girl: Can Asian American doll help me?

Mom: Sure. But the company was very clear on the box that Asian American doll has no academic strengths or weaknesses.

Girl: Where’s Asian American doll from?

Mom: Asia.

Girl: I know, but like, what country? Japan? Or China?

Female voice: You ask a lot of questions. You should go play outside. Bye.

[Cut to the girl asking question going out. Mom takes her doll.]

Please don’t poke holes on Asian American doll. We tried so hard on her. As the box says, “Just take her or leave her.”

Girl: Oh, look. She has a pull string.

Female voice: Yeap, but we couldn’t settle in anything for her to say. So, just pull it out and throw it out in the trash.

Mom: Oh, that’s no fun. You could have something for her to say. Like… [mom gets confused.]

Female voice: Oh, and every doll comes with her own dream house. So, Asian American doll does too.

[Asian American doll’s house is empty.]

Girls: No, it’s empty!

Female voice: Fun, right? That way, you get to be accountable for what’s in there.

Girl: I’m gonna add an oriental rug.

Female voice: Um, your funeral. And last but not least, Asian American doll comes with two harmless accessories that went through 40 focus groups. An adorable puppy and chef’s hat. Because anyone can be a chef, right? These are fine?

Girl: Yes. I love her Chef’s hat.

Another girl: And the puppy is so cute.

Girl: But wait, is that so she can eat the puppy or something? Because she’s Asian?

Female voice: Are you kidding me? You never even founded that. Oh, my god! No, no, no!

Background song: [singing] It’s Asian American doll

we made it from a place of fear.

[gong bell sound]

Female voice: I specifically said, NO GONG!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams monologue with Kristen Wiig

Amy Adams

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Adams.

[Amy Adams walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so wonderful to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Christmas is the best time in New York. It is the best. And it has been so great having my four year old daughter here with me, and seeing it all through her eyes. And, if you have kids, you just have to go down to Time Square and meet Christmas Elmo. and if you’re lucky, he’s gonna take his head off and ask you for a cigarette.

But, no, honestly, this is my favorite time of year and just with all of the crazy stuff going on in the world lately, I just– I think we could use a little holiday cheer.

[piano playing]

So,

[singing] Haul out the holly;
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.

[Kate McKinnon and Bobbly Moynihan join Amy Adams]

Amy Adams, Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan: For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,

[Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan leaves. Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata come in]

Amy Adams, Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata:Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet.
Yes, we need a little Christmas

[Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata leave. Kenan Thompson comes in and throws snow over Amy Adams and himself.]

Amy Adams: Aw, thanks you guys.

[four men dressed like reindeers bring in Kristen Wiig carrying her horizontally in a line.]

Oh, my god! Kristen Wiig.

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Okay, guys, I need you to set me down gently like we talked about. I need a lot of support on my back side. Yes, more support. More. Okay.

Amy, you guys are kidding, right? I mean that’s all the holiday cheer you guys have? Kenan throwing a handful of fake snow at the camera?

Kenan Thompson: Hey, I like how I did it.

[Kenan Thompson throws the snow again]

Amy Adams: Kristen. I am so, so happy to see you, but isn’t this the second time you crashed my monologue?

Kristen Wiig: I’m not crashing. I have just showed up uninvited. Oh, Amy, okay, your song was really great but we need to get a little more energy. You know, these people are Christmased out! You gotta give them some flash, you know. Some sizzle. You gotta give them like, [giving a pose] pow! And then you gotta give them like, [giving two more poses] pow, pow. Now, you try.

Amy Adams: [giving poses] Pow, pow.

Kristen Wiig: That’s pretty good! There you go. Um, can someone please give me my glitter microphone?

[Someone passes her the mic.]

Thank you Mariah Carey.

Amy Adams: That was Mariah Carey?

Kristen Wiig: Yes, but I really don’t wanna make this about her. This is about us.

Amy Adams: Well, I thought that this was about Christmas.

[drums rolling]

Kristen Wiig: [singing] Coz we need a lot of Christmas
right this very minute
the candles are on the randles
and sushi’s in a barrel
penguin in the oven

[Amy Adams stops Kristen Wiig]

Amy Adams: Those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the words are. That’s my point. It’s how you feel. It’s how you make people feel. Now, get in the Christmas spirit and dance with my Christmas song.

[four men dressed like reindeers come in and start dancing. Kristen Wiig leaves and Amy Adams starts dancing with the reindeers.] [the reindeers carry Amy Adams on their shoulders.]

Amy Adams: Oh, wow! Oh, this is pretty good. [dancing] Oh, this is really good.

[the reindeers leave and Kristen Wiig walks in. Kristen Wiig has a hat that looks like top of Christmas tree.]

Kristen Wiig: Guys, we need a little music
need a little laughter

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: Need a little singing
riding through the rafter

[Kristen Wigg is trying to do legs split.]

Kristen Wiig: We need Christmas
We need Christmas

Amy Adams: Okay, stop! Stop! Just stop! Kristen Stop.

[Kristen Wiig is in pain]

Just stop. I really appreciate what you’re doing and that you’re trying to help me, but Christmas isn’t about all of this flashy stuff. It’s about family and friends and being together.

[piano playing] [singing] We need a little Christmas

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, I want all the stuff.

Amy Adams: Right this very minute.

[Amy Adams removes Kristen Wiig’s Christmas tree hat.]

Kristen Wiig: No, not my hat.

Amy Adams: Candles in the window

Kristen Wiig: My shakers.

Amy Adams: Carols at the spinet.

[Amy Adams points at Kristen Wiig’s breasts and asks to give the cutlets to her.]

Come on!

Kristen Wiig: Argh!

[Kristen Wiig hands them over to Amy Adams]

Amy Adams: Oh, thee are hot! These are hot!

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, those are hot. But, you know what? You’re right.

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: We need a little Christmas
right this very minute

[drums rolling]

It hasn’t snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we’re in a hurry;

Amy Adams: Come on!

[Kate McKinnon, Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Sasheer Zamata and Kenan Thompson join them]

Everybody: So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I’ve ever seen.

[Dancers with Christmas outfit walk in and dance] Slice up the fruitcake;
It’s time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough.
For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,
Need a little Christmas now

[confetti drop] [cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. We’ve got a great show. One Direction is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[music playing] [cheers and applause]

A Very Cuban Christmas

Gloria Estefan… Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Taran Killam

Hurley…Bobby Moynihan

Tony Montana… Kyle Mooney

Tony’s girlfriend… Amy Adams

Elian Gonzalez… Pete Davidson

Diana Nyad… Kate McKinnon

Cuba Gooding Jr. … Kenan Thompson

Rahul Castro… Fred Armisen

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with logos of NBC and CUBA VISION]

Male voice: The following is a joint podcast from NBC and CUBA VISION.

[Cut to ‘A Very Cuban Christmas’ intro]

Male voice: It’s a very Cuban Christmas with your very Cuban host, [Cut to Gloria Estefan and Pitbull] Gloria Estefan and Pitbull.

[cheers and applause]

Gloria Estefan: Alright! [speaks in Cuban language]

Pitbull: [speaks in Cuban language] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gloria Estefan: Tonight we celebrate the fact that Cuba and the United States have resumed diplomatic relations after 50 years.

Pitbull: Now, later on in the program, we welcome Cuban baseball legend, Jose Canseco who’s gonna show us how to reattach a finger after shooting off your own hand.

Gloria Estefan: That’s gonna be fun.

Pitbull: But first, a word from our sponsor.

Male voice: A Very Cuban Christmas is sponsored by [Cut to an old car] 1957 Chevy Bel Air. ‘It’s Our Newest Car’.

[Cut to Pitbull]

Pitbull: Okay, now obviously, Cuba is very excited about having American tourists. Gloria, don’t you have something to say about that?

Gloria Estefan: Oh, you know I do.

[music playing] [Gloria Estefan walks in with two back up dancers.] [singing] Come everybody, visit Cuba
spend all your money on cigars and scuba
so much better here than in a room-a
maybe give us one of your aromas please

[Cut to Hurley]

Hurley: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. Modern electronic sure are hard to come by here in Cuba. Hi, I’m Hurley from Lost. And yes, I am Cuban, dude. And so is our next guest. Scarface himself, Tony Montana.

[Cut to Tony Montana]

Tony Montana: That’s right. Here I am and I brought my girlfriend too. You okay baby?

[Tony’s girlfriend walks in. She has cocaine all over her nose.]

Tony’s girlfriend: I’m way okay.

Tony Montana: Now, the best news is the embargo in Cuba has been lifted. Tell them what that means, baby.

Tony’s girlfriend: First, we get the money. Then we get the cellphone. Then we get the Walmart.

Tony Montana: That’s right. Now why don’t you say hello to my little friend? It’s Elian Gonzalez.

[Elian Gonzalez walks in]

He’s a grown up.

Elian Gonzalez: Hello everyone.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: You’re sort of a folk hero here in Cuba. You crossed the ocean to America in a boat back in 1999.

[Diana Nyad walks in a swimming costume]

Diana Nyad: Oh, that’s not a hero.

Gloria Estefan: Excuse me. Who are you?

Diana Nyad: I’m an American swimmer Diana Nyad. [Cut to Diana Nyad] Hey! You came to America in a boat? Oh! Big whoop! I swam the Cuba! 90 miles of open ocean you little bitch! It’s called America. Look it up. Oh!

[Cut to Gloria Estefan, Tony Montana, Tony’s girlfriend and Elian Gonzalez]

Gloria Estefan: Okay, let’s hear a word from our other sponsor.

[Cut to an old man holding a small teacup.]

Male voice: Tiny Cups of Coffee. You have just enough energy to sit in a folding chair outside of a bakery? Then get a Tiny Cup of Coffee.

[Cut to Cuba Gooding Jr.]

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Ha-ha. So fun. Hi, I am Cuba Gooding Jr. I’m not actually Cuban. But yeah, yeah. I’m pulling this for free. Let me introduce you to the man behind this entire agreement, Cuba’s de facto leader, Rahul Castro.

[Rahul Castro walks in]

Rahul Castro: Ola, welcome to Cuba. On behalf of myself and my brother Fidel, or should I say Papa Noel. That’s pretty fun. Also joining us live from his vacation in Hawaii is my new best friend and your socialist president, Barack Obama.

[Cut to split screen of Rahul Castro and Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Hold on! Wait, did you say socialist?

Rahul Castro: And as part of our deal, all Cubans now have full access to Obamacare.

Barack Obama: Nope.

Rahul Castro: Which is not really great option if they want worse healthcare. Also, this is very exciting, all Cubans are now are about to be full Jewish citizens.

Barack Obama: No, that’s not accurate. Okay, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this–

[Barack Obama’s channel is disrupted.]

Rahul Castro: Looks like we lost him there. [Cut to Rahul Castro] Again, we only have one cellphone tower for 11 million people and it’s actually just a stack of all bicycles.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: Remember now, Cuba isn’t only about Christmas. In fact, if it’s anything like Miami, Cuba will soon be 80% Jewish. So to close the show, here’s Pitbull with his special Hanukkah song.

[Rahul Castro and Gloria Estefan leave the stage while Pitbull walks in with two ladies backup dancers.]

Pitbull: Ha-ha-ha-ha. This one’s for all my Jews out there celebrating Christmas. Dos, thres, Pitbull…

[music playing] [rapping] swing your dreidel round and round
man who said is going down
eight nights line up the crow
Jews and Cuba are holy brown

Jews! You driving me crazy!

[Gloria Estefan and Rahul Castro walk in]

Gloria Estefan: Thanks for watching.

[cheers and applause]