Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Stepmom

Micahel Che

Stepmom… Amy Schumer

[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set. There’s a picture Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Exactly two days after Rudy Giuliani left the law firm of Greenbert–

[A woman sneaks in and whispers. She is Micahel Che’s stepmom.]

Stepmom: I don’t want to interrupt. [cheers and applause]

Micahel Che: Mom, what are you?

[Stepmom gives Micahel Che a file of medicine]

Stepmom: I’m so sorry. I’m not even here. Don’t even look at me.

[Stepmom tries to walk away but Micahel Che holds her there.]

Micahel Che: This is not. Look, thanks.

[Stepmom takes the file of medicine and takes one tablet out.]

Stepmom: Pop it out. Pop it out later if it–

Micahel Che: Thanks.

Stepmom: I just thought you might need a claritin coz you’re getting a little froggy.

Micahel Che: Guys, this is my stepmother. Everybody.

Stepmom: Hey, guys. I have to say, I think you meant to say world’s proudest step mom. [pointing at her shirt. She has printed baby picture of Micahel Che and it has written “Proudest Step Mom” on it.] Did you mean to say that? Did you mean to say that?

Micahel Che: Yeah. I guess I did.

Stepmom: See this old guy? You remember him? Now, you may not have grown in my tummy, but I loved putting you right around my tummy. I love that so much.

Micahel Che: You want a chair?

Stepmom: No.

Micahel Che: Can we get a chair?

Stepmom: No, I’m not gonna use it. What am I gonna sit down next to you? That would be crazy. [Stepmom takes the seat] I can’t do that. What kind of show would it be? [Stepmom holds Micahel Che’s shoulder] Where did these shoulders come from? Just keep going. You were doing a joke about Judy. Judy Rudiani. And I don’t know who she is but I can’t wait to laugh.

Micahel Che: Alright, yeah. I’ll try the joke. [Rudy Giuliani’s picture appears at top right corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face.] This week, Rudy Giuliani resigned… [Stepmom has already started laughing] from the law firm…

Stepmom: [Stepmom acting like her body is Rudy Giuliani’s body below the picture.]Oh, I have my different head. How did you do that? How did you do that?

Micahel Che: You did it. I didn’t even say the joke.

Stepmom: Everything you say is just– Oh, I’m in stitches. In stitches all the time.

Micahel Che: Umm.

Stepmom: You’re just very funny. Colin, were we cracking up or what?

[Colin Jost is nodding his head yes]

Look at Colin. Look at him cracking up.

Colin Jost: Yeah, no. It’s–

Stepmom: He’s like, “What?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. It was very funny joke, Michael. I loved that joke.

Stepmom: See? I told you. He thinks you’re so much funnier.

Micahel Che: Don’t. Mom, law firm was just a set up. It wasn’t the actual joke.

Stepmom: Well, I say law firm. Firm, you rascal, right? I’d say what? I always knew what you were doing in your room but I never wanted to intrude coz I respect you. Loo, you know what? [Stepmom rubs Micahel Che’s cheek] You’ve got something, what is on your face? [Stepmom kisses on his cheek] It’s me! It’s me!

Micahel Che: Yup.

Stepmom: Right? Right there. Ooh. [kisses her own hands.] I can’t help it. Delicious.

Micahel Che: Yup.

Stepmom: Okay. They want more. I’m not even here. You gotta meeting out of your palm like you got it full of cheese. Fist full of cheese. So you just go ahead and–

Micahel Che: I’ll try the next one.

Stepmom: Oh, do it. Do it. You can do it.

Micahel Che: Okay, mom. [A picture of Monica Lewinsky appears on right top corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face again.]Town&Country magazine apologized to–

Stepmom: [starts laughing] Oh my god. You know what?

Micahel Che: No.

Stepmom: No? Neither do I. That’s what so amazing. Oh, my god. Sometimes I just look at that face and I go, “I love every bit about it.” Everything about it. Colin, did you know– this was probably relevant to what you guys are talking about. In the third grade, Michael read a poem about horseshoe crabs. And there was not a.. what?

Micahel Che: Dry eye in the room.

Stepmom: Dry eye in the room. In the room. And I’m– maybe– I don’t wanna do that but all I’m saying is horseshoe crabs have very limited lifespan. And I know that because of you. Very limited lifespans.

Micahel Che: Okay. We really do need to get on with this.

Stepmom: Okay. Well, you better. You know Colin, when Michael was little, did you know that he had very juicy little buns. [Colin Jost is listening to her like he is very interested] And they’re still juicy. But I can’t– They’re different now. And you also– you know. You also, I’m sure, have very juicy buns. I’ve seen you in bike shorts and it kind of looked terrific.

Micahel Che: Mom!

Colin Jost: Well, thank you. That actually means a lot to me.

Stepmom: Aw.

Micahel Che: Mom, I have an idea. I have an idea. How about–

Stepmom: It’s gonna be funny.

Micahel Che: — you read a joke.

Stepmom: No. I can’t do that.

Micahel Che: Yeah. Oh, please do. [audience cheering] I think they wanna hear it. Yeah. [pointing at cue cards] You just read that part right there.

Stepmom: Okay. You know what? I just have to without my cheaters. I can’t really. Let me just see what I can.

Micahel Che: I’m sure he’ll bring the card closer if–

[Stepmom slides away, out and in front of the news table.]

Stepmom: No, I don’t wanna trouble anybody. Let me just see. That is still not. Let me just–

Micahel Che: No, well. I don’t think you have to do ll that.

[Stepmom stands and walks towards the camera]

Stepmom: You know what? If I–

Micahel Che: Yeah, not you’re pretty close now. Okay.

Stepmom: It says here ‘Come into focus.’ I got it.

[Stepmom is too close to the camera. Her face covers everything behind her.]

Okay. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to the best– oh boy. To the best stepmom in the world. Oh, boy. Did you write that for me?

Micahel Che: Yeah, I did.

Stepmom: [crying] That’s wonderful. That’s so wonderful.

Micahel Che: My stepmom, everybody.

[Stepmom walks out] [cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

The Day You Were Born

Amy Schumer

Mikey Day

[Starts with Amy sleeping in her bed. Mikey peeks in from the door.]

Mikey: Good morning, honey. I’m sorry I didn’t make you breakfast. But our son did.

[A little boy walks in with a breakfast for Amy]

Amy: Oh.

Boy: Happy mother’s day, mommy.

Amy: Oh, honey. This is so great. You’re the sweetest. Thank you, sweetheart.

Mikey: I helped a little bit on the eggs, but he did the toast all by himself.

Amy: Well, [takes a bite] this is the best toast I’ve ever had.

Boy: Really?

Amy: Yes. Really. I am so lucky to be your mommy. The day you were born was the best day of my life.

Boy: What was it like?

Amy: The day you were born? It was amazing.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Okay. Only a few more centimeters and you’ll be ready, okay?

Amy: How much bigger can a hole get?

Doctor: Just breathe.

Amy: Oh my [bleep]. My vagina hurts.

[Cut to Amy in her house with her son]

Boy: Were you scared, mommy?

Amy: Oh, no. I was excited. I had a big smile on my face the whole time. [turns to Mikey] Didn’t I?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Guys, we’re gonna have to perform a episiotomy.

Amy: [screaming] No, no! Don’t cut my vulva.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Daddy, were you scared?

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: Why does it look like that?

Amy: You are not a man!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Mikey: No, bud. Daddies don’t get scared.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: I’m not ready.

Amy: You are not a man.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Then what happened?

Amy: The nice doctor came in and told us it was time.

[Cut to 3 walking in the room at the hospital]

3: So, I think we’re–

Amy: [yelling] Where have you been, you stupid whore!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And then, she told me to give one little push.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Doctor: He’s crowning. One more push.

[farting sound]

Amy: Ah! Am I pooping? Am I?

Mikey: No. No, baby, no.

[Doctor is nodding her head yes.]

It’s okay.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: Then one little push, then you were born. And you were the most beautiful baby in the whole world.

[Cut to the hospital room. A nurse takes the baby away to clean him.]

Mikey: Wait, why does he look like that? Why is he yellow? Is that normal?

Amy: Why is he so ugly?

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And that’s what happened on the best day of my life. And you know what else? [Amy is getting peed on by her son] Everyday since then has been better than the day before.

[Amy is sleeping on a couch. The room is all messy. Mikey walks in.]

Mikey: Babe, where’s my hockey stuff?

Amy: That’s in the hall closet.

[baby crying]

Mikey: He woke up, by the way. [Mikey walks away] Can I get a drink after?

[Amy is sobbing being exhausted] [Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: I love you, mommy.

Amy: Oh, I love you too, honey.

Boy: Mommy.

Amy: Yeah.

Boy: I had an accident last night.

Amy: Oh, well, I’m sure daddy cleaned it up.

Boy: No, I wanted you to clean it.

[Cut to a video message: To all the moms in the world, thanks for pretending it was easy.]

Last Call with Amy Schumer

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Sue… Amy Schumer

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender asking his customers for their last orders.]

Bartender: Alright, last call ladies. You scared off all my male customers. So, it’s time to go home or try something new.

Sue: Mama always said, a mouth’s a mouth. Bartender, give me one more Slow Fin Gizz. That’s granity in a caviar.

Sheila: And I’ll take Monstat 7 and 7. I got places to be. [bangs the table] Ou!

Bartender: Alright. Well, just drink them and go. My children are unattended.

[Bartender serves them the drinks] [Sue and Sheila look at each other]

Sue: Oh!

Sheila: [raising her glass] Hey!

Sue: I thought the Kentucky Derby was last week. But looks like there’s one little nag still limping around the track.

Sheila: Why don’t you mount me and ride me in a victory before they turn me in the glue?

[Bartender spits out food that he’s eating] [to Sue] Ay, you mind if I move my poof a little closer? I’m sitting here on what I’m choosing to believe is dumb.

Sue: Sure. Let me just move my stool.

[Sue pulls away a cup of her stool sample and gives it to Bartender. Bartender is disgusted.]

There. I’m ready.

[Sheila sits closer to Sue]

Sheila: Alright.

Sue: Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? And can I assume you landed on your face?

Sheila: Oh, good one. Hey, was your mother a beaver? Coz, damn, you got a flat tail, furry face and smell like a lake.

Bartender: The crazy thing is I used to fantasize about something like this.

Sheila: My name’s Sheila Sauvage. You can remember that coz if you mix up all the letters, it’s spells ‘hole ass vag.’ What about you? What are they gonna write on your tombstone?

Sue: Other than RIP? Rancid in pants. I love the name Sue Seil. Which is weird because seal sued me for having to a look at my face.

Sheila: [bangs the table] Get out.

Sue: Yeah.

Sheila: Get out. Coz I saw seal at a club. Excuse me. I clubbed a seal with a saw. Yeah. Yeah. It didn’t work. He lived. But either way, I’m not welcome at any beach.

Bartender: Alexa, what do I do?

Alexa: Kill yourself.

[Sheila puts her hand on Sue’s shoulders]

Sheila: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you, I was like, “God, no!” And now I’m like, “God might as well. I can’t find my keys.”

Sue: And when I saw you earlier, I was like, “Should I do something? But then you got up off the floor and you seemed okay.”

Sheila: God, this is crazy. I can’t– Something’s happening here.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

Sheila: What do you say we go back to my place and make out?… A living will.

Sue: Heck! Let’s just do doggie style. That’s when I run away and you walk through the neighborhood screaming my name.

Sheila: Ooh!

[Bartender is wearing muffler, glasses and is holding a magic wand like harry Potter.]

Bartender: Expelio-lesbiosos!

Sheila: Alright, let’s do this.

Sue: Yeah.

[they both lean to kiss]

Sheila: Wait a minute. Wait. Better safe than sorry.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

[Sheila puts sanitizer in both their mouths.]

Sue and Sheila: Ready?

[Sue and Sheila kiss each other.] [Bartender is putting sanitizer in his eyes.]

Sue: Yikes! That was unrousing.

Sheila: Wow, yeah. I just pitched a cave. Here’s what. Since our poots are dry as bone, why don’t we get some moisture on our faces with these? And now, that way, we won’t have to look at each other’s rosacea.

[They both put beauty face masks on.]

This should be good.

Sue: One. Two. Three. Let’s hit.

[They start kissing again.]

Bartender: Well then, for me I guess there’s only one option left. Good thing I hid this thing from the Nazis.

[Bartender opens a box. Smoke is coming out of it. Bartender puts his face in the smoke. The smoke melts his face.]

Handmaids in the City

Alex Moffat

Of Fred… Amy Schumer

Of Warren… Kate McKinnon

Of John… Aidy Bryant

Of Gary… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “Handmaids in the City” intro]

Female voice: Let’s face it, ladies. In 2018, a handmaid’s tale is basically our “Sex and the City.” So, whether you’re Of Fred or Of Warren, you’ll love who lose all new spinoff show, “Handmaids in the City.”

[Cut to Of Fred having her meal. She is talking to Alex. He a guard with a taser in his hand. All women are wearing red robes and white bonnets.]

Of Fred: We’ve been sent good weather.

Alex: Praise be.

Female voice: As I waited for the girls in Downtown, Gillette, I was feeling like an uptown gal and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are women allowed to do anything anymore?”

[Of John and Cecily walk in]

Of John: Under his eye.

Of Fred: Oh! Under his eye? What about under my eye? Look at these bags.

Cecily: Oh, stop it, Of Fred. You know it doesn’t matter what our faces look like,

Of Fred: As long as we’re fertile.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of John, how’s the new place?

Of John: Amazing. It’s rent controlled. John controls me. And I don’t pay rent.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: You’re bad.

Of Fred: Yeah, but not too bad. Otherwise you get [makes choking sound, gesturing her hand as hanging on a rope].

[ladies laughing] [Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: From the Executive Producer of “Sex and the City” and 80 year old author, Margaret Atwood, it’s a show critics are calling, “So brutal” and “More uplifting than the news.”

[Cut back to the ladies. Of Warren joins them.]

Of Warren: Sorry, I’m late.

Of John: Under his–

Of Warren: [interrupting] Ah! don’t. [She has swollen eye.]

Of John: Ooh.

Of Fred: Did you get a little work done?

Of Warren: Is it that obvious?

Of John: No. It looks good on you. You look younger.

Of Warren: Well, this is what I get for reading a newspaper.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of Warren, something really is different about you.

Of Fred: I know. It’s that new manolo bonnet.

Cecily: No. No, that’s not it. You lost weight?

Of Warren: I gave birth. Does that count?

[ladies laughing] [Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll say, “Oh my god, this so could be me and my friends. You know, with the way things are going.”

[Cut back to the ladies]

Of John: Gals, guess what I did last night?

Of Fred: Are your rashan in silence and cried into your straw bed?

Of John: Yes. Classic me.

Of Warren: Well, I had sex with a married couple.

Of John: Ooh, so did I. Who would have guessed we’d be having three ways in our 30s?

Of Fred: Three way? How about a one way ticket out of here?

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: So, I’m seeing someone new.

Of Warren: Really?

Cecily: Yeah. I’m Of Gary now.

Of Fred: Bless it be the fruit.

Of John: Bless it be my fruit. I’m sweating under these robes.

[ladies laughing]

Of Warren: Oh! I hate to always talk about our guy problems. But my commanding officer Warren and I are having issues.

Of Fred: Of what? What’s wrong?

Of Warren: Argh! It’s his ex. His last handmaid hung herself and he’s just not over it.

Of Fred: So, you’re saying he’s ‘hung up’ on her?

[Alex tases Of Fred]

Of Fred thinking: As I was getting tased, I was shocked at my lack of rights in this new world but stunned at how amazing I look in red.

[Of Fred smiles as she gets tased.] [Cut to show outro]

Female voice: “Handmaids in the City.” If you’re not traumatized, you’re not watching TV.

Gospel Brunch

Deacon Mac…Chris Redd

Pervis… Kenan Thompson

Traci… Leslie Jones

Melissa Malik… Cecily Strong

Kayla Manik… Amy Schumer

[Starts with Deacon speaking]

Deacon: From Huntsville, Alabama, welcome to “Gospel Brunch, with Traci and Pervis Scott.” [Cut to a choir group in a church dancing and singing] Come on, everybody.

All: [singing] Feed the body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: Come on, raise your voices.

[singing] blessed us from his hands
left it to our mouths

Traci: Stew some butter bee
and praise him all around

Pervis: For on this day,
we take our daily bread

Pervis and Traci: We give him thanks
to keep us all well,
sing it.

All: She’s a body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: Amen.

Traci: Amen.

Pervis: Amen.

Traci: Amen.

Pervis: Amen. Alright. Praise him. Well, welcome to “Gospel Brunch” everybody. Say hello to Deacon Mac.

Deacon: Am, thank you. Blessed to be here. Blessed and hungry.

Pervis: Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.

[Pervis and Traci walk to the kitchen set]

Traci: Blesses. I’m Traci. That’s Pervis. And each week we show you how to make southern cooking with spirit.

Pervis: From fried chicken to fried okra. Alright, Deacon Mac, how’s your twin brother doing?

Deacon: Oh, not too good. He just had sex tuple bypass.

Traci: Sex tuple?

Deacon: Uh-huh. That’s six of em’. Yup. By the time they unclogged four chambers of his heart, two more got clogged right on the operation table. But he better do praise god. Amen.

Pervis: Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. Alright. Alright.

Traci: Um-um-um. Seems like there’s a new case of heart disease or diabetes every week around here.

Pervis: Well, I don’t know where it could be coming from. Well, today we’re going to be making our honey butter fried pork casserole. [They show the dish. It doesn’t look good.] And Traci’s famous four-cheese mac and cheese with bacon and potato chips.

Traci: Um, delicious! Now, let’s get to cooking. And to help us is a chef all the way from Phoenix, Ariozona.

Pervis: That’s right. She’s taken southern cooking and added an asian twist, here’s Melissa Malik.

[Melissa walks in. She is wearing chef’s dress. She brings in some food with her.] [cheers and applause]

Pervis: Alright.

Melissa: Hello, Traci, Pervis. This is so fun.

Traci: Now, Melissa, you got something special for us.

Melissa: Um, yes, I do. Today, I’ll be making Teriyaki chicken wings.

Pervis: Oh, praise. Jesus, that sounds delicious. Let’s praise him together.

Traci: Let’s praise him.

[Pervis and Traci try to hold Melissa’s hand to praise god.]

Melissa: Guys, you know what? I would but I’m an atheist.

[Pervis and Traci looks shocked]

Pervis: Oh. Melissa Malik, everybody. Ha-ha. [Traci packs everything that belongs to Melissa] Time for you to go, Melissa. Bye, bye.

[Deacon walks in with a broom and pushes Melissa with it.]

Traci: [singing] You can’t come up in the lord’s house and say that it don’t live.

Pervis: Hah! Alright. Now, she was really nice.

Traci: Yes, she was. Too bad she couldn’t stay.

Pervis: I hear that.

Traci: Our next guest is a chef from Marietta, Georgia, who just put out her own cookbook called “Eating healthy the southern way.” Here’s Kayla Manik.

Pervis: Come on, Kayla.

[Kayla is walking in dancing.]

Traci: Praise him. Praise him. Praise him.

Pervis: What you doing over there? What was that? What was that? Girl, you got so much energy.

Kayla: Oh, yeah. That’s right. You know I do. Now tell me, who’s ready to get healthy?

Traci: I am.

Pervis: I don’t know how are we going to do that.

Kayla: Well, you can eat healthy by just making a small few changes to your diet. Okay, like, I know we all love biscuits in gravy, right? I’m not speaking out of school here. But you can’t have all that meat. All right? Well, here’s my own recipe for vegetarian biscuits and gravy. Okay, here it is looking very good.

Pervis: It looks nice.

Kayla: Thank you. Now, this is 100% no meat except for a little bit of chicken and a lot of sauce.

Pervis: Well, you need that for the flavor.

Traci: It has to taste good.

Pervis: You got to have that for the flavor. That’s for the flavor.

Kayla: That’s right. Well, you got to make it edible before we’re gonna eat it. Right? Praise him.

Choir group: [singing] Praise him.

Kayla: Oh, great. Okay. Next, a great way to eat healthy is to make a smoothie. Right? If it’s through a straw, it’s healthy. And that is a fact.

Pervis: That’s right. That is fact. That’s right.

Kayla: Okay. So, this is a healthy smoothie I made myself with my own hands on my own time. Okay? And it tastes just like pecan pie.

Traci: What? You serious?

Kayla: Any pecan fans?

[Pervis raises his hand]

Pervis: Right here.

Kayla: I’m thinking of you, Pervis.

Traci: You can’t be serious.

Kayla: Yes, I am. I promise y’all. You just blend up some ice, some low fat milk. Okay, the banana, cinnamon– And you know what? Just a little a whole pecan pie.

Pervis: Oh, that’s how it’s gonna taste like pecan pie.

Traci: That’s how it’s gonna taste.

Pervis: Yeah, you just blend all that up. That’s nice. Oh, be careful though.

Kayla: Here you go. Here you go.

Pervis: That’s wonderful. Alright, well, praise him!

Traci: Praise the lord.

Kayla: The lord doesn’t always work, and that’s fine.

Pervis: That’s alright.

Traci: That’s– well, I know that.

Kayla: You’ll have to trust me. This is delicious.

Pervis: I believe you. This is sort of a miracle.

Traci: It’s a show miracle. Now, you got more healthy tips for us.

Kayla: You know I do.

Traci: But before we get into that, we gonna take a moment to acknowledge the friends who passed from heart disease, diabetes and sugar foot.

Pervis: It is such a shame I don’t know why this keeps happening. Must be something in the water. Well, this song is for you.

Pervis and Traci: [singing] Ummm…
butter, salt, pepper and mayonnaise
stuff it in cheese
put it all in a turkey for Jesus
a turkey for Jesus
living in peace

Pervis: Oh, man. Thank you so much, Traci. Why don’t we go to commercial. When we come back, we’ll get to cooking. Come on, y’all.

Traci: Ay!

All: [singing] Feed the body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: When we come back, we gonna show y’all how to add a little flavor to your salad with salt and just a little bit of–

[The End]

Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.] [right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing] [Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell] [Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Amy Schumer Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you very much. Thank you so much. [someone passes her a mic] Oh, and thank you so much. It is so great to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yes. It’s the best. Some of you may have heard, I got married this year. Sorry, ladies. It’s been locked down. And some people are like, “What are you gonna talk about now on your stand up? All you talked about was getting railed.” And I’m like, “Thank you.” But it’s true. I mean, I’m a little sad. I’m never gonna get a “You up?” text again. You know? Not like they were rolling in but it was nice to know someone was thinking about me. I one time got a “You up?” text and I wrote the guy back and he texted me, “Sorry. Wrong text.” I was like, “Me too. I’ll just cancel my Uber. Who cares?”

So, I did. I got married in the way that my now husband proposed was so worthless. It was such a dumb proposal. It was the morning. I was still asleep. He threw the box at me and said, “I got you this.” Like, it’s just– But that’s really– That’s a realistic proposal, you know? I feel like in all the movies and TV shows, it’s always a guy getting down on one knee and the girl’s always like, shocked. You know? Like, she’s like, “[screams] I didn’t even know you liked me.” You know, like, you’re gonna spend your life with this dude who you didn’t even know he liked you?

But, the girls I know, I’m from New York, we all got married in like mid late 30s. The guy would propose and all my friends are like, “Oh, now? Now you’re ready? That I probably can’t have kids? Great! Cool! You’re not in love. You’re tired. You’re tired. And I know all your passwords. That’s what’s happening.”

I have been a bridesmaid in six Long Island weddings. Do you understand what that means? And again, it’s like they all got married in their mid or late 30s. It’s like– you know, it’s New York. If you get engaged in 40, people are just like, “Whoa, teen bride! Get to know him. Meet this man. Go through menopause.”

And there’s something like, a little bit sad about being a bride’s maid in your late 30s. It’s like I’m always standing there in a Greecian gown with my aging cleavage, like coachella flower thing. And you’re just standing in that line of bridesmaids hoping you don’t have the biggest arm. That’s it. You’re just like, “Is my–” You’re like doing an arm workout. You’re doing a tricep press. Like, “She does.”

But my friends– People when they were younger, it used to be you get married in your 20s and you have a little spaghetti arm, you’re holding champagne like, “This is heavy.” You know? 30s, it’s just like a sea of turkey leg. You’re all just like, “Ugh!”

One of my best friends got married this summer. She’s an anthropologist and by that I just mean she goes to that store Anthropology a lot. She loves like, a lobster print on her dress. I could not afford anthropology growing up. I still, if I can get anything for free, I want it. There are things like, you could get for free. Like, a razor, your could seal from a gym or something. And they’re not like, a moisturized razor. It’s kind of just like a violent straight razor. But they’re free. They are free. Something else you can get for free. Tampons. Honestly, someone will always hook you up. You’ll never have to just like, bleed out. Someone will– A sister will be there for you. It’s true. We get each other’s backs. We do. And the way we ask each other, it’s not even like– you don’t even have to say the word. It’s more like a rhythm and motion. You look around like you’re about to talk rudely about somebody at a family reunion. And you go, [in soft voice] “Does anyone have like, the… huh?” You don’t even say the last words. You’re just, “Ya. Ya. [gibberish] ?” We say it like that because we’ve been taught to be ashamed of being born human women because men, I think you think that we just get our periods every month but we choose to get it. We go, “I’m bored. What should I do? I think I’ll bleed. Just bleed for a couple of days.” So, we whisper it coz we’re embarrassed.

So, I asked this group of girls. I was at a gym locker room the other day. And I was like, “Does anyone [gibberish] ?” And this girl was like, “Oh, yeah. I do. What size?” And I’m like– Of course I know there’s different sizes of tampons. But I’ve never been confronted with that question. Like, “Oh, yeah. What’s the circumference of your vagina hole? Is that– Do you have a big hole? Or is it a smaller?” And then everyone in the locker room kind of turns to see my answer. And I’m like, “How about, do you have something in a gaping? How about that? Gaping days? Is that? Just something that could plug a small hole in a Kayak. Is that in your Louis Vuitton?”

This one’s just for the ladies. Ladies, remember how we were raised with the illusion of equality, right? That was our Santa Claus, right? Wasn’t that funny? Oh. When we were little girls, they were like, [nagging voice] “You can do anything.” And we were like, “Yayy!” And then we got older and they were like, “Psyche!” And we were like, “You guys, you got us again. This sucks. This sucks.”

I think something that we can do is to just– if your mother raised these boys to be a little nicer at a young age, I really think that’s a good idea. Let’s think about it. When you’re a little girl, a little boy is men to you or he teases you. What does everyone say? “He likes you.” Right? And you’re like, “Okay, great.” You’re like, “He knocked my books out of my hands.” “Valentine.” “He pushed me on the floor.” “You’re going to prom.” Okay, great.

You guys are such a great crowd. I really hope, if you haven’t already, you see my film “I Feel Pretty.” [cheers and applause] Thank you. I’m so proud of it. But, if you see it, bring tissues… coz you’re gonna want to masturbate. I look so good in this movie.

You’re such a great crowd. We’ve got a great show tonight. Kacey Musgraves is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Hot for Teacher

Miss Daywart… Amy Schumer

Ricky… Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Mom… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Hot for Teacher 8 video bumper] [Cut to Miss Daywart sitting on teacher’s desk in the class]

Miss Daywart: Okay class, that’s all the algebra. Any questions? No? Okay, make sure you study hard this weekend. You’re dismissed.

[The students stand and leave]

But not you, Ricky. You stay. You’re in hot water.

Ricky: Oh, no. Me?

Miss Daywart: Ricky, you failed the test. I can’t believe that stunt you pulled yesterday.

[Ricky stands ]

You need to be taught a lesson. You’re suspended!

Ricky: No, please teacher. I can’t get kicked out of school. I guess I just have an attitude problem.

Miss Daywart: So, you’re saying you wanna do me for better grades? Is that right?

Ricky: I guess I’m gonna have to. School’s too hard for me.

Miss Daywart: And it’s about to get even harder.

[Miss Daywart pulls Ricky and puts him on the teacher’s desk and start touching each other.]

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Miss Daywart. Um, sorry. I know school’s over but I was wondering if we could go over today’s lesson. I’m really struggling.

Miss Daywart: What?

Aidy: Well, in the blackboard it says that we have big test tomorrow. But like, you never mentioned what was on it and I really want to ace it Miss Daywart.

Miss Daywart: Right now, I can’t teach you that. All I can do is teach this bad boy that he can’t get off so easy.

Aidy: Oh, sorry. You’re busy. I guess I’ll just… I’ll study everything. Well, thanks Miss Daywart. You’re my favorite teacher. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

Miss Daywart: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

[Aidy walks out.] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Now Ricky, you’re still in big trouble after that stunt you pulled yesterday. What am I gonna do with you?

Ricky: I have one idea. [Ricky opens his jacket]

Miss Daywart: Ah! I like a look of that. Now let’s get you ready for an oral exam.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Miss Daywart. I wasn’t all the way gone yet and I heard you mention an oral exam?

Miss Daywart: What?

Aidy: Like, is that for everyone? Coz honestly, I’m really not good on my feet. Plus, it’s math so I’d really like to be able to like, work out the problem on paper.

Miss Daywart: Well, the oral exam is for Ricky only, coz he was bad.

Aidy: Whao! Ricky, two tests? That sucks. If you wanna come over later, I can help you study.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, that’s my dad calling. I think he’s trying to pick me up. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

Miss Daywart: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

[Aidy walks out.] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Ricky, if you are long and hard, you can be the big old dick-torian.

Ricky: I would need your help

Miss Daywart: That’s fine. I’m very hands on teacher.

Ricky: Yeah, you are.

Miss Daywart: Yeah, I am.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again speaking on the phone]

Aidy: Wait, dad? I can’t just walk home. It’s 9 miles on the highway. Okay, I’ll ask. [hangs up the phone] Hey, Ricky, could you maybe give me a ride home? My dad’s stuck at work.

Miss Daywart: He can’t. He is in hot water. Coz he got 68 in his last test. Now I’m gonna show him how to get a 69.

Aidy: Okay, but that’s still a D+.

Miss Daywart: I love Ds.

Aidy: Okay, you’re the teacher. You know, I wanna be a teacher someday, just like you. How did you get this job?

Miss Daywart: I moved to Hollywood when I was 14 and got tricked.

Aidy: That’s so cool.

[Mom walks in]

Mom: There you are. Hi sweetheart. I’m so sorry your dad couldn’t pick you up.

Aidy: That’s okay, mom. this is my algebra teacher I was telling you about.

Mom: Oh my god, Miss Daywart, it is so nice to meet you. Now, I love you black bra. Where did you get that?

Miss Daywart: They just gave it to me and I think I have to give it back if it’s salvageable.

Mom: That is so nice. You know, I was worried about sending my daughter to this new school because it’s just an office building. But she really likes it.

Aidy: Yeah.

Miss Daywart: Well, I like to discipline bad boys and I like to ride them hard.

Mom: That is great. You know, that’s how they’re gonna get into the good colleges.

Miss Daywart: Oh, Ricky’s about to go to FU.

Mom: Fordham University? I went there. Go Rams.

Miss Daywart: Get rammed!

Aidy: Okay, mom. Let’s go. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

[Cut to Aidy and Mom]

Mom: You know, that Ricky is cute.

Aidy: Well, from far away he’s okay, but up close he’s pretty busted.

[Aidy and Mom leave] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[The End]

Hands Free Selfie Stick

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Venessa Bayer

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Aidy taking a selfie in Time Square city street.]

Aidy: We’ve all been there. It’s your first trip to New York city and you got your perfect Time Square selfie all lined up. And your big melon takes up the whole photo. Fail! What to do?

[Cut to Kyle walking in a park with his phone attached to a selfie-stick.]

Kyle: I’ll tell you what. You need the original selfie-stick.

[Cut to Aidy taking a group selfie using a selfie-stick]

Aidy: Get in here, you guys.

[Other three people join Kyle as well.]

Aidy: This thing is great, but my arm’s getting really tired and I wish I didn’t have to hold it up the whole time.

[Cut to Venessa in the park]

Venessa: Got you covered, girlfriend. Take a gander at the new hands-free selfie-stick.

[Cut to Kyle setting up the hands-free selfie-stick on Aidy.]

Aidy: Hands-free?

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: That’s right. With this, you won’t have to hold it at all.

Aidy: Awesome.

[Aidy turns around. The hands-free selfie-stick is stuck into Aidy’s butt hole at the back and comes all the way to the front over her head.]

Venessa: Now, you’re in total control.

Aidy: It’s really, really up in my bott.

Kyle: It sure is!

Venessa: Try it!

[Cut to Kyle walking around using the hands-free selfie-stick.

Female voice: Using it is easy. When you want to take a picture, just cling.

[cut to Amy walking with a hands-free selfie-stick on]

Amy: I love it. I never leave home without it.

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Smile.

Amy: Why?

Venessa: So you’ll look cute in the picture.

Amy: It takes pictures? How? [Amy clings]Oh, that’s how.

[Cut to Aidy and Amy taking selfies using hands-free selfie-stick.] [Cut to Aidy, Kyle, Venessa and Amy with the hands-free selfie-stick on]

Venessa: Free up your creativity, with the original hands-free selfie-stick.

Kyle: it’s the best.

Amy: I can barely feel it anymore

Aidy: Smile!

Female voice: The hands-free selfie-stick!

Guns

Amy Schumer

Kenan Thomspon

Jay Pharoah

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Amy waiting for someone in a restaurant]

Female voice: Whatever you’re waiting for

[Cut to Kenan and Jay sitting together and reading a book]

Whatever you face.

[Cut to Beck staying late at office] [Cut to Kyle looking around alone in the party]

Whatever you’re looking for.

[Cut to Bobby and Venessa in a taxi. Venessa is pregnant.]

There are things that we share.

[Cut to Amy. Taran arrives and gives Amy a present and sits next to her.]

Love.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

Family.

[Cut to Beck. Aidy is comforting Beck]

Connection.

[Cut to Kyle. He walks up to Sasheer and talks to her]

Kyle: Hey.

Sasheer: Hey.

[Cut to Kate running]

Female voice: A sense of purpose.

[Cut to a taxi parking at the hospital. Bobby is getting Venessa out.] [Cut to Amy opening her present. There’s a gun inside.]

And also, guns.

Taran: You like it?

Amy: I love it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay. Kenan has a gun in his hand.]

Female voice: Guns are there.

[Cut to Kate running with a gun.]

In lighter moments,

[Cut to Venessa getting out of the taxi with a big fun]

and big ones. When things fall apart.

[Cut to Beck and Aidy. Beck has his gun disassembled.]

Or it comes all together.

[Cut to a gun rotating on a table. As it stops Kyle and Sasheer kiss.] [Cut to Kenan and Jay]

They unite us.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Comfort us.

[Bobby is pushing Venessa on a wheelchair while Venessa is pointing a big gun at the hospital counter.]

Bring us joy.

[Aidy assembles Beck’s gun and they hug out.]

And strength.

[Cut to Kate running and shooting at sky.]

From first loves,

[Cut to Kyle and Sasheer shooting guns at a shooting star]

to new beginnings,

[Cut to Venessa holding a baby and Bobby is handing a small gun to the baby.]

wherever life takes you.

[Cut to Amy and Taran sleeping. Amy has a gun gun in her hand.]

Guns, we’re here to stay.