Tag: Amy Schumer

WKTVN News

Chance… Michael Longfellow

Vicki… Ego Nwodim

Alicia… Heidi Gardner

Tod… Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Ego and Heidi in their news set]

Ego: Good evening and welcome to WkTVN news.

Heidi: And later tonight, Baklava or Balaclava? A new study shows there’s a big difference between the two delicious treats.

Ego: I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. Let’s check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Harmstrong.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Thanks. Thanks, Vicki. And Alicia. I’m so thrilled to be joining the team. So right now I’m here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma’am, tell us what happened.

Cecily: Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed [frame showing an asian guy behind her as well] and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire. So I put 2 and 10 together and I said fire sir.

Chance: Right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why?

Cecily: I’m not sure exactly how sir. But I know 100% why. And I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin.

Chance: It was your cousin.

Cecily: Yes. And she is looking right at you now sir.

Amy: What? Oh, you taking a picture of me? No, you’re not. Not for free, you’re not. No.

Chance: Okay. Why are you so certain it was your cousin?

Cecily: She is mad because she wants to go with my husband, because look at him. [her husband is the asian guy they showed before]

Tod: This for TV?

Chance: Yes. This is the news, sir.

Tod: Oh, snap.

Chance: Okay, back to the fire.

Cecily: Yes, it’s a long story. But she is mad because she can’t get with him because he chose me and she’s my cousin.

Amy: Hey, keep saying stuff like that. I will set your house upon fire again.

Cecily: Hey, set my house on fire. I ain’t scared.

Amy: Okay.

Chance: Okay, all right. This was not as informative as I’d hoped. Quite a first day. Back to you. Vicki and Alicia.

Tod: Hey, come back to me. Take my picture. Look what I can do. [he climbs on the pole] Look what I can do. One hand, one hand, one hand.

Amy: Go Tod, go Tod. He’s showing up for me. I want to lay with you.

Tod: I said I can’t.

Chance: Well, there you have it. And I think we’re all done here. Vicki and Alicia.

[Molly walks in]

Molly: Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see the two them were cousins.

Chance: Yes. I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?

Molly: No, I do not. But sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look when I can do. [she leans backwards]

Chance: Okay, I don’t know what that is. And I’m not really here to look at tricks.

Amy: Hey, he ain’t even my cousin. He’s only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Tod.

Tod: Go home. No one wants to lay with you.

Amy: I bet you someone will.

Cecily: No, they won’t, because you ain’t got it like this. [Cecily flashes her breasts]

Amy: Like hell they don’t. [Amy flashes her breasts too]

Chance: Okay, no, this cannot. It’s literally my first day.

[Chance tries to walk away from them, but bumps into James.]

James: Oh sir, if I may. I can clear this up. 100%.

Chance: Just don’t say they’re cousins.

James: Exactly. They are cousins. also, look what I can do. [starts making silly noises]

Chance: Okay. Yeah. Now I’m unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I’m assuming no one wants to talk about the fire.

Marcello: Oh, I don’t know anything about that, sir. But look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Chance: That’s great. You’re very talented.

Amy: Listen, the real reason I am mad at her…. [snatches the mic] The real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life.

Cecily: What? Are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. Your homemade rice is worth. You make good French bread pizza. And I’m sorry that the years have seen us drift apart in terms of being cousins.

Amy: So now what?

Tod: A kiss makeup?

[They all lean to kiss each other]

Chance: No, no. Do not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day. And I’m assuming it’s my last. So in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. [starts dancing]

The Looker

Carol… Amy Schumer

David… Marcello Hernandez

James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a mother talking to her son in the kitchen]

Carol: David, for the last time, you have to unpack your clothes. We moved in a month ago, honey.

David: I will, mom. I’ve just been busy.

Carol: Busy? AKA flirting with every girl in school. [to her husband] Honey, it’s everything okay?

James: I just found this letter. It slipped under our door. I don’t know. It’s strange.

Carol: What does it say?

James: Dearest new neighbors at 322 Oakridge Boulevard.

Male voice: [continuing the letter] Allow me to introduce myself. I am the looker. And I see everything you do.

Carol: Is this some kind of sick prank?

James: I don’t know Carol.

Male voice: I see you’re settling in nicely. Your daughter likes to write in her diary about the boy who mows the lawn. And your son has been hard at work practicing his guitar.

David: Dad, this is creeping me out.

Male voice: As for your wife, after everyone’s asleep, she goes to the kitchen and eat an entire second dinner.

Carol: What? That’s like, what?

Male voice: She eats it like a greedy panicked raccoon afraid of getting caught.

Carol: Okay.

James: As for you, daddy, dearest…

Male voice: I hope you enjoy your morning jogs around the neighborhood. I know your wife does. After you leave, she hits a snag, turns on the TV and pleasures herself to the Property Brothers.

Carol: Okay, that’s not ringing a bell.

James: But he knows about my jobs, Carol.

Chloe: My diary and David’s guitar.

Carol: I know. That’s why it’s so weird that all my stuff is clearly made up.

Male voice: Your life may seem perfect. But the looker knows it’s not. And your poor wife seems to be having trouble in the bathroom. I see her in there rocking back and forth, trying to make something happen.

Carol: You got this, bitch.

Male voice: Giving herself little pep talks.

Carol: Come on. Come on.

Male voice: She gets so frustrated, she’ll go downstairs and blow off steam with more Property Brothers. Why is she so aroused by that show? Is it the brothers or is it the property?

David: Oh my god, mom. Someone’s downloaded every episode of Property Brothers.

Carol: What?

Chloe: And they only watched five minutes of each one.

Carol: What the fring? So this weirdo snuck into our house and mess with the TV? Okay, now, I’m weirded out. Officially.

James: Then it says…

Male voice: Just today, the kids practiced a TikTok dance. Dad worried about his hairline. And mom was on her exercise bike.

Carol: Wait, that one’s real.

James: Oh, I wasn’t done.

Male voice: She doesn’t even pedal. Just sits on the bike and looks at her phone, but she still ends up drenched in sweat. And it’s back to the bathroom to do battle once again.

Carol: Why can’t I go?

James: Till next time. I’m watching.

Chloe: Okay, we need to go to the police.

Carol: And tell them that this guy is making up lies about just me.

James: We will. But I think it’d be safest if we stayed in a hotel for the night.

Carol: Well, one of us should stay, just to, you know, look out for the house. And I guess I’ll do it, since this guy’s got nothing on me.

[everyone leaves but Carol]

[cut to Carol watching TV]

Female voice on TV: Coming up, it’s Demo Day.

Carol: [to the Looker] If you’re watching, it’s the property I’m into. Not the brothers.

Soup

Waiter… Michael Longfellow

Sue… Amy Schumer

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[starts with a waiter serving three ladies]

Waiter: All right, so we have to house salads. And the matzah balls soup.

Sue: Oh, me, me. me. That’s for me.

Waiter: You guys go ahead and enjoy.

Sue: Thank you. I have been craving this soup. I can’t even tell you. It just like, brings me home.

Ego:  Sounds amazing.

Sue: Yeah, well, you can’t have any. Ha-ha-ha. I’m kidding. But I’m not because like, I’ve been thinking about this soup like non stop. For real, I like woke up out of a dead sleep the other night just like thinking about this soup. Like, sat straight up, eyes wide open. It was like, “Matzah balls soup for Sue,” like a psycho. I’m so happy right now.

Heidi: So I guess I have some news.

Sue: Oh, what is it?

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: Matt and I are separating.

Ego: Oh, no. What?

Sue: Oh, girly for real?

Heidi: Yeah, but I don’t want to run lunch. Just eat.

Sue: Yeah. Yeah, let’s eat and then talk. That feels great.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Ego: Of course we’re not going to eat. That is so sad.

Sue: Oh my god. I know. God. Thank you for telling us. And obviously let us know like how it works out. Yeah.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: He said he’s gonna take the kids.

Ego: My god, that monster. What a bastard.

Sue: Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you know what I say? Good riddance, right?

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Ego: Good riddance to her kids? No, I don’t think so. We got to make a plan.

Heidi: I’m already talking to a lawyer. [phone vibrating] God, here he is now.

Sue: Oh good, you better take that call. Yeah, take as long as you need. Like, go outside.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: [on the phone] What? No!

Sue: Now what?

Heidi: My lawyer got disbarred. My life is just such a mess right now. You don’t even know the half of it. Like I told you guys, I got that VP of marketing job. And it was total BS. [Sue is looking at other people at the restaurant enjoying their food] I never even applied for it. There’s all this other stuff too. Like, I’ve been drinking as soon as I wake up, and I steal my son’s Adderall and he really needs it.

[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]

Kenan: [singing] How long must I wait
to eat my soup without looking like an a hole?
It’s not that I don’t care about her,
but I care about my soup a little more.
My God, she’s still talking
but hey, at least she’s not crying

[she starts crying]

Never mind she just started crying

oh, but I have a great idea
if I pretend to take a drink of my water
I can take the straw and put it in my soup
this plan is pretty perfect
the Straw is hitting broth

and oh my god, she just asked me a question

Heidi: I mean, Sue, what would you do?

Sue: I think, yeah, you should go for it.

Ego: Represent herself in court? No.

Heidi: I don’t know what to do. Would you mind if I had a sip of your water? I finished mine.

[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]

Kenan: [singing] Damn, she’s taking my water
I better hide the straw in my shirt
but oh, what is this? She’s sobbing at last
her head in her hands,
can’t let this moment pass
gotta eat this soup

[Sue finishes her soup]

Heidi: I feel so much better. Thank you girls for letting me vent.

Sue: [with food in her mouth] Oh my god, every time for you girl.

Heidi: How’s your soup?

Sue: It is hotter than I thought. But I’m okay.

[Kenan is standing in front of the ladies now]

Kenan: [singing] Gotta eat this soup

Big Penis Therapy

Robin… Amy Schumer

Melissa… Sarah Sherman

Glen… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a group of adults playing a card game]

Ego: Sorry, Robin, but draw four.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. It sucks to be you.

Robin: Oh, babe, you’re gloating.

Glen: Oh, you’re right. You’re right. Sorry to get so competitive guys.

Melissa: Fine, Glen.

Glen: No, it’s not fine. Something I’ve been working on in therapy.

Melissa: You go to therapy. That’s like really surprising.

Ego: Seriously, talk about a complete 180.

Robin: I know remember how cranky he used to be.

Melissa: That’s one way to put it.

Ego: Yeah, I would have said toxic as a mug.

Glen: Okay, you got me?

Robin: Yeah, but honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to big penis therapy, he’s just been so much happier. He’s like, a new person.

Ego: One more time.

Melissa: Did you see big penis therapy?

Glen: Yeah, it’s a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad, my insecurities, my rage issues.

Ego: That just sounds like regular therapy.

Robin: Let’s go back to the game. Whose turn is it?

Glen: See, she’s been trying to get me to go to therapy for years ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe?

Robin: Yeah, I sure do.

Glen: Therapy just always seem so, I don’t know fruity. But then I heard about big penis therapy, for men with big penises like mine. And I thought, maybe I do need this.

Robin: Big penis therapy just helps to destigmatize men working on their mental health.

Glen: And sure the guys down at the job harassed me for going to therapy at first, but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now they all went therapy too.

Ego: [reading the badge] God forgive my painess. What’s a painess?

Glen: t’s a medical term. It means penis that causes great pain.

Melissa: Oh, maybe I should tell my Jake about this.

Glen: Not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies?

Melissa: Actually he’s pretty okay.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. Well, unfortunately, it’s not “pretty okay” size penis therapy. It’s therapy for guys with great big ones. Like mine, or Shaq’s. Or the guys from long naturals magazine.

Melissa: You know, Glen for the record, penis size really isn’t important.

Robin: Please don’t say that.

Glen: It’s okay honey. It actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would have called you a stuck up bitch for saying that. But now I won’t.

Ego: Hey, Glen, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify?

Glen: What do you mean?

Ego: Just saying. How do they know you have a big…?

Robin: They don’t have to measure.

Glen: Honey, relax. It’s a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like it.

Ego: Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they’re doing, it seems to be working for you.

Melissa: Truly. You even look like you’ve lost some weight.

Glen: Oh, well, that’s all thanks to my fat rod vegan meal plan.

Ego: You got him to be vegan too?

Robin: Yep. He’s also going to long Dong church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers.

Glen: Yeah. And I also joined an activist group called three inch monster packers against animal testing.

Melissa: Good, because it looks like you’re gonna have to draw for.

Ego: And that’s on top of my draw for.

Melissa: We’re playing stack, so you have to draw eight, Glen.

Robin: Aw, babe. But you only have one left. You almost won.

Glen: [flipping the table up side down] Stop making fun of me.

Female voice: Big penis therapy. It’s therapy.

 

The Dream Guy

Rochelle… Kim Kardashian

Host… Alex Moffat

Chace Crawford

Tyler Cameron

Blake Griffin

Chris Rock

Amy Schumer

Jesse Williams

John Cena

Zeke… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: One mansion full of cool single guys and one eligible lady hoping to find her very own, the dream guy.

[Cut to Rochelle and Host at the show stage]

Host: Welcome back. Rochelle, you’ve had a week full of exciting dates with the guys. But now, it’s time to make a decision. Whenever you’re ready.

Rochelle: Wow. In front of me are some of the best guys I’ve ever met my whole life. I mean, you are all so amazing. [cheers and applause] When I look at you all here, there is no doubt in my mind that my husband is in this room. In fact, I wish I can marry each and every one of you, but that would be way too many husbands. When I call your name, please step forward and accept your token. First up, Chase C.

[Chace Crawford walks forward]

[cheers and applause]

Chace, I had so much fun at the Go Cart track with you. Thank you for telling me all about your gigantic hit show Gossip Girl.

Chace Crawford: My pleasure, Rochelle.

Rochelle: Do you accept this token of my love?

Chace Crawford: Sure, thank you. I’m also on “The Boys”, FYI. Okay, bye.

[Chace Crawford walks out]

Rochelle: Next up, Tyler C.

[Tyler Cameron walks forward]

Tyler, thank you so much for showing me your perfectly hot body. That was really vulnerable of you. Do you accept this token?

Tyler Cameron: I do, Rochelle. Thank you. I’ll see you on the hot tub.

[Tyler Cameron walks out]

Rochelle: Power forward for the Brooklyn Nets, Blake G.

[Blake Griffin walks forward]

Blake G., I’m gonna be honest, your behavior at the luau barbecue was inexcusable.

Blake Griffin: Yep, you’re right. It was.

Rochelle: But you’re also a six time NBA All Star and that intrigues me. Do you accept this token?

Blake Griffin: Yeah, absolutely, Rochelle. And you know what? I’ll work on that.

Rochelle: Thank you.

Blake Griffin: Thank you.

[Blake Griffin walks out]

Zeke: [shouting] Way go, Blake! Way go, Blake!

Rochelle: Next up, Chris R.

[Chris Rock walks forward]

Chris R., thank you for making me watch your nine HBO specials and the new one on Netflix while you sat next to me and you mouthed all of the words. I had a blast.

Chris Rock: We can watch Chappelle next time.

Rochelle: Thanks. Do you accept this token?

Chris Rock: You know I do.

[Chris Rock walks out]

Rochelle: Okay, this might be against the rules, but I’ve really connected with one of the producers on the show. Amy S.

[Amy Schumer walks forward]

Amy S., even though I’ve never dated a woman before, I just feel like there’s something that–

Amy Schumer: [taking her fingers to Rochelle’s mouth] No, shh. Shh. I feel the same.

Rochelle: Do you accept this token?

Amy Schumer: With both of my holes.

[Amy Schumer walks out]

Rochelle: Okay guys, this is where it gets really, really hard. Jesse W.

[Jesse Williams walks forward]

Jesse W., I didn’t talk to you one single time this entire week, but you literally are the most attractive human I’ve ever seen. So, will you accept this token?

Jesse Williams: Oh, I do. [looks back at the two gentlemen left] You guys are my best friends.

Zeke: You’re the man, Jesse! Yeah!

[Jesse Williams walks out]

[Host walks in]

Host: Alright, Rochelle. You have one token remaining. It’s down to record breaking WWE superstar John Cena or Zeke. Whenever you’re ready.

Rochelle: Okay, I’m sorry guys. I just need a second.

John Cena: It’s okay.

Zeke: Take your time. Take your time, sweetheart. All good. Take your time.

Rochelle: Okay. Okay. You are both amazing. I mean, John C., you’re kind, considerate, mega jacked and very, very rich.

John Cena: Thank you.

Rochelle: And Zeke, although you’re not my normal type physically…

Zeke: Hmm, okay.

Rochelle: I was really attracted to your silly vibe and your sunny demeanor. I mean, I particularly enjoyed meeting your original character Sherlock the Cat who was hilarious.

Zeke: Elementary, my dear fur ball.

Rochelle: That being said, I don’t think you asked one single question about me our entire date.

Zeke: You sure?

Rochelle: And then at the pool, you were afraid to go swimming.

Zeke: I wouldn’t say afraid. But yea, scared.

Rochelle: And John C., I don’t love that you have a wife.

John Cena: That’s fair. That’s very fair.

Rochelle: But now, I have to make a decision. Zeke or movie star and 16 time WWE champion John Cena. I’m just gonna follow my heart. John Cena.

Zeke: Wait, what?

John Cena: Thank you.

Rochelle: John C., I’m really gonna need you to figure out your wife situation. But first, do you accept this token?

Zeke: [yelling] This is crap!

John Cena: Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. Thank you. I really thought it was gonna be Zeke.

Host: Sorry, Zeke. You did not receive tonight’s token. Say your goodbyes and walk into the pit.

Zeke: Wow. Um, this one hurts. I’ll definitely miss being in the house with the guys… and Amy Schumer. And Rochelle, you’re a sweetheart. But you really F’ed up today. So long.

Host: Thank you, Zeke. Pit’s right there.

[Zeke opens the door. It’s a real pit. He jumps into it and burns.]

Host: Well, Zeke lost fair and square and paid for it with his life. We’ll be right back with more “The Dream Guy”.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Stepmom

Micahel Che

Stepmom… Amy Schumer

[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set. There’s a picture Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Exactly two days after Rudy Giuliani left the law firm of Greenbert–

[A woman sneaks in and whispers. She is Micahel Che’s stepmom.]

Stepmom: I don’t want to interrupt. [cheers and applause]

Micahel Che: Mom, what are you?

[Stepmom gives Micahel Che a file of medicine]

Stepmom: I’m so sorry. I’m not even here. Don’t even look at me.

[Stepmom tries to walk away but Micahel Che holds her there.]

Micahel Che: This is not. Look, thanks.

[Stepmom takes the file of medicine and takes one tablet out.]

Stepmom: Pop it out. Pop it out later if it–

Micahel Che: Thanks.

Stepmom: I just thought you might need a claritin coz you’re getting a little froggy.

Micahel Che: Guys, this is my stepmother. Everybody.

Stepmom: Hey, guys. I have to say, I think you meant to say world’s proudest step mom. [pointing at her shirt. She has printed baby picture of Micahel Che and it has written “Proudest Step Mom” on it.] Did you mean to say that? Did you mean to say that?

Micahel Che: Yeah. I guess I did.

Stepmom: See this old guy? You remember him? Now, you may not have grown in my tummy, but I loved putting you right around my tummy. I love that so much.

Micahel Che: You want a chair?

Stepmom: No.

Micahel Che: Can we get a chair?

Stepmom: No, I’m not gonna use it. What am I gonna sit down next to you? That would be crazy. [Stepmom takes the seat] I can’t do that. What kind of show would it be? [Stepmom holds Micahel Che’s shoulder] Where did these shoulders come from? Just keep going. You were doing a joke about Judy. Judy Rudiani. And I don’t know who she is but I can’t wait to laugh.

Micahel Che: Alright, yeah. I’ll try the joke. [Rudy Giuliani’s picture appears at top right corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face.] This week, Rudy Giuliani resigned… [Stepmom has already started laughing] from the law firm…

Stepmom: [Stepmom acting like her body is Rudy Giuliani’s body below the picture.]Oh, I have my different head. How did you do that? How did you do that?

Micahel Che: You did it. I didn’t even say the joke.

Stepmom: Everything you say is just– Oh, I’m in stitches. In stitches all the time.

Micahel Che: Umm.

Stepmom: You’re just very funny. Colin, were we cracking up or what?

[Colin Jost is nodding his head yes]

Look at Colin. Look at him cracking up.

Colin Jost: Yeah, no. It’s–

Stepmom: He’s like, “What?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. It was very funny joke, Michael. I loved that joke.

Stepmom: See? I told you. He thinks you’re so much funnier.

Micahel Che: Don’t. Mom, law firm was just a set up. It wasn’t the actual joke.

Stepmom: Well, I say law firm. Firm, you rascal, right? I’d say what? I always knew what you were doing in your room but I never wanted to intrude coz I respect you. Loo, you know what? [Stepmom rubs Micahel Che’s cheek] You’ve got something, what is on your face? [Stepmom kisses on his cheek] It’s me! It’s me!

Micahel Che: Yup.

Stepmom: Right? Right there. Ooh. [kisses her own hands.] I can’t help it. Delicious.

Micahel Che: Yup.

Stepmom: Okay. They want more. I’m not even here. You gotta meeting out of your palm like you got it full of cheese. Fist full of cheese. So you just go ahead and–

Micahel Che: I’ll try the next one.

Stepmom: Oh, do it. Do it. You can do it.

Micahel Che: Okay, mom. [A picture of Monica Lewinsky appears on right top corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face again.]Town&Country magazine apologized to–

Stepmom: [starts laughing] Oh my god. You know what?

Micahel Che: No.

Stepmom: No? Neither do I. That’s what so amazing. Oh, my god. Sometimes I just look at that face and I go, “I love every bit about it.” Everything about it. Colin, did you know– this was probably relevant to what you guys are talking about. In the third grade, Michael read a poem about horseshoe crabs. And there was not a.. what?

Micahel Che: Dry eye in the room.

Stepmom: Dry eye in the room. In the room. And I’m– maybe– I don’t wanna do that but all I’m saying is horseshoe crabs have very limited lifespan. And I know that because of you. Very limited lifespans.

Micahel Che: Okay. We really do need to get on with this.

Stepmom: Okay. Well, you better. You know Colin, when Michael was little, did you know that he had very juicy little buns. [Colin Jost is listening to her like he is very interested] And they’re still juicy. But I can’t– They’re different now. And you also– you know. You also, I’m sure, have very juicy buns. I’ve seen you in bike shorts and it kind of looked terrific.

Micahel Che: Mom!

Colin Jost: Well, thank you. That actually means a lot to me.

Stepmom: Aw.

Micahel Che: Mom, I have an idea. I have an idea. How about–

Stepmom: It’s gonna be funny.

Micahel Che: — you read a joke.

Stepmom: No. I can’t do that.

Micahel Che: Yeah. Oh, please do. [audience cheering] I think they wanna hear it. Yeah. [pointing at cue cards] You just read that part right there.

Stepmom: Okay. You know what? I just have to without my cheaters. I can’t really. Let me just see what I can.

Micahel Che: I’m sure he’ll bring the card closer if–

[Stepmom slides away, out and in front of the news table.]

Stepmom: No, I don’t wanna trouble anybody. Let me just see. That is still not. Let me just–

Micahel Che: No, well. I don’t think you have to do ll that.

[Stepmom stands and walks towards the camera]

Stepmom: You know what? If I–

Micahel Che: Yeah, not you’re pretty close now. Okay.

Stepmom: It says here ‘Come into focus.’ I got it.

[Stepmom is too close to the camera. Her face covers everything behind her.]

Okay. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to the best– oh boy. To the best stepmom in the world. Oh, boy. Did you write that for me?

Micahel Che: Yeah, I did.

Stepmom: [crying] That’s wonderful. That’s so wonderful.

Micahel Che: My stepmom, everybody.

[Stepmom walks out]

[cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

The Day You Were Born

Amy Schumer

Mikey Day

[Starts with Amy sleeping in her bed. Mikey peeks in from the door.]

Mikey: Good morning, honey. I’m sorry I didn’t make you breakfast. But our son did.

[A little boy walks in with a breakfast for Amy]

Amy: Oh.

Boy: Happy mother’s day, mommy.

Amy: Oh, honey. This is so great. You’re the sweetest. Thank you, sweetheart.

Mikey: I helped a little bit on the eggs, but he did the toast all by himself.

Amy: Well, [takes a bite] this is the best toast I’ve ever had.

Boy: Really?

Amy: Yes. Really. I am so lucky to be your mommy. The day you were born was the best day of my life.

Boy: What was it like?

Amy: The day you were born? It was amazing.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Okay. Only a few more centimeters and you’ll be ready, okay?

Amy: How much bigger can a hole get?

Doctor: Just breathe.

Amy: Oh my [bleep]. My vagina hurts.

[Cut to Amy in her house with her son]

Boy: Were you scared, mommy?

Amy: Oh, no. I was excited. I had a big smile on my face the whole time. [turns to Mikey] Didn’t I?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Guys, we’re gonna have to perform a episiotomy.

Amy: [screaming] No, no! Don’t cut my vulva.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Daddy, were you scared?

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: Why does it look like that?

Amy: You are not a man!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Mikey: No, bud. Daddies don’t get scared.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: I’m not ready.

Amy: You are not a man.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Then what happened?

Amy: The nice doctor came in and told us it was time.

[Cut to 3 walking in the room at the hospital]

3: So, I think we’re–

Amy: [yelling] Where have you been, you stupid whore!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And then, she told me to give one little push.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Doctor: He’s crowning. One more push.

[farting sound]

Amy: Ah! Am I pooping? Am I?

Mikey: No. No, baby, no.

[Doctor is nodding her head yes.]

It’s okay.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: Then one little push, then you were born. And you were the most beautiful baby in the whole world.

[Cut to the hospital room. A nurse takes the baby away to clean him.]

Mikey: Wait, why does he look like that? Why is he yellow? Is that normal?

Amy: Why is he so ugly?

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And that’s what happened on the best day of my life. And you know what else? [Amy is getting peed on by her son] Everyday since then has been better than the day before.

[Amy is sleeping on a couch. The room is all messy. Mikey walks in.]

Mikey: Babe, where’s my hockey stuff?

Amy: That’s in the hall closet.

[baby crying]

Mikey: He woke up, by the way. [Mikey walks away] Can I get a drink after?

[Amy is sobbing being exhausted]

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: I love you, mommy.

Amy: Oh, I love you too, honey.

Boy: Mommy.

Amy: Yeah.

Boy: I had an accident last night.

Amy: Oh, well, I’m sure daddy cleaned it up.

Boy: No, I wanted you to clean it.

[Cut to a video message: To all the moms in the world, thanks for pretending it was easy.]

Last Call with Amy Schumer

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Sue… Amy Schumer

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender asking his customers for their last orders.]

Bartender: Alright, last call ladies. You scared off all my male customers. So, it’s time to go home or try something new.

Sue: Mama always said, a mouth’s a mouth. Bartender, give me one more Slow Fin Gizz. That’s granity in a caviar.

Sheila: And I’ll take Monstat 7 and 7. I got places to be. [bangs the table] Ou!

Bartender: Alright. Well, just drink them and go. My children are unattended.

[Bartender serves them the drinks]

[Sue and Sheila look at each other]

Sue: Oh!

Sheila: [raising her glass] Hey!

Sue: I thought the Kentucky Derby was last week. But looks like there’s one little nag still limping around the track.

Sheila: Why don’t you mount me and ride me in a victory before they turn me in the glue?

[Bartender spits out food that he’s eating]

[to Sue] Ay, you mind if I move my poof a little closer? I’m sitting here on what I’m choosing to believe is dumb.

Sue: Sure. Let me just move my stool.

[Sue pulls away a cup of her stool sample and gives it to Bartender. Bartender is disgusted.]

There. I’m ready.

[Sheila sits closer to Sue]

Sheila: Alright.

Sue: Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? And can I assume you landed on your face?

Sheila: Oh, good one. Hey, was your mother a beaver? Coz, damn, you got a flat tail, furry face and smell like a lake.

Bartender: The crazy thing is I used to fantasize about something like this.

Sheila: My name’s Sheila Sauvage. You can remember that coz if you mix up all the letters, it’s spells ‘hole ass vag.’ What about you? What are they gonna write on your tombstone?

Sue: Other than RIP? Rancid in pants. I love the name Sue Seil. Which is weird because seal sued me for having to a look at my face.

Sheila: [bangs the table] Get out.

Sue: Yeah.

Sheila: Get out. Coz I saw seal at a club. Excuse me. I clubbed a seal with a saw. Yeah. Yeah. It didn’t work. He lived. But either way, I’m not welcome at any beach.

Bartender: Alexa, what do I do?

Alexa: Kill yourself.

[Sheila puts her hand on Sue’s shoulders]

Sheila: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you, I was like, “God, no!” And now I’m like, “God might as well. I can’t find my keys.”

Sue: And when I saw you earlier, I was like, “Should I do something? But then you got up off the floor and you seemed okay.”

Sheila: God, this is crazy. I can’t– Something’s happening here.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

Sheila: What do you say we go back to my place and make out?… A living will.

Sue: Heck! Let’s just do doggie style. That’s when I run away and you walk through the neighborhood screaming my name.

Sheila: Ooh!

[Bartender is wearing muffler, glasses and is holding a magic wand like harry Potter.]

Bartender: Expelio-lesbiosos!

Sheila: Alright, let’s do this.

Sue: Yeah.

[they both lean to kiss]

Sheila: Wait a minute. Wait. Better safe than sorry.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

[Sheila puts sanitizer in both their mouths.]

Sue and Sheila: Ready?

[Sue and Sheila kiss each other.]

[Bartender is putting sanitizer in his eyes.]

Sue: Yikes! That was unrousing.

Sheila: Wow, yeah. I just pitched a cave. Here’s what. Since our poots are dry as bone, why don’t we get some moisture on our faces with these? And now, that way, we won’t have to look at each other’s rosacea.

[They both put beauty face masks on.]

This should be good.

Sue: One. Two. Three. Let’s hit.

[They start kissing again.]

Bartender: Well then, for me I guess there’s only one option left. Good thing I hid this thing from the Nazis.

[Bartender opens a box. Smoke is coming out of it. Bartender puts his face in the smoke. The smoke melts his face.]

Handmaids in the City

Alex Moffat

Of Fred… Amy Schumer

Of Warren… Kate McKinnon

Of John… Aidy Bryant

Of Gary… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “Handmaids in the City” intro]

Female voice: Let’s face it, ladies. In 2018, a handmaid’s tale is basically our “Sex and the City.” So, whether you’re Of Fred or Of Warren, you’ll love who lose all new spinoff show, “Handmaids in the City.”

[Cut to Of Fred having her meal. She is talking to Alex. He a guard with a taser in his hand. All women are wearing red robes and white bonnets.]

Of Fred: We’ve been sent good weather.

Alex: Praise be.

Female voice: As I waited for the girls in Downtown, Gillette, I was feeling like an uptown gal and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are women allowed to do anything anymore?”

[Of John and Cecily walk in]

Of John: Under his eye.

Of Fred: Oh! Under his eye? What about under my eye? Look at these bags.

Cecily: Oh, stop it, Of Fred. You know it doesn’t matter what our faces look like,

Of Fred: As long as we’re fertile.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of John, how’s the new place?

Of John: Amazing. It’s rent controlled. John controls me. And I don’t pay rent.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: You’re bad.

Of Fred: Yeah, but not too bad. Otherwise you get [makes choking sound, gesturing her hand as hanging on a rope].

[ladies laughing]

[Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: From the Executive Producer of “Sex and the City” and 80 year old author, Margaret Atwood, it’s a show critics are calling, “So brutal” and “More uplifting than the news.”

[Cut back to the ladies. Of Warren joins them.]

Of Warren: Sorry, I’m late.

Of John: Under his–

Of Warren: [interrupting] Ah! don’t. [She has swollen eye.]

Of John: Ooh.

Of Fred: Did you get a little work done?

Of Warren: Is it that obvious?

Of John: No. It looks good on you. You look younger.

Of Warren: Well, this is what I get for reading a newspaper.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of Warren, something really is different about you.

Of Fred: I know. It’s that new manolo bonnet.

Cecily: No. No, that’s not it. You lost weight?

Of Warren: I gave birth. Does that count?

[ladies laughing]

[Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll say, “Oh my god, this so could be me and my friends. You know, with the way things are going.”

[Cut back to the ladies]

Of John: Gals, guess what I did last night?

Of Fred: Are your rashan in silence and cried into your straw bed?

Of John: Yes. Classic me.

Of Warren: Well, I had sex with a married couple.

Of John: Ooh, so did I. Who would have guessed we’d be having three ways in our 30s?

Of Fred: Three way? How about a one way ticket out of here?

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: So, I’m seeing someone new.

Of Warren: Really?

Cecily: Yeah. I’m Of Gary now.

Of Fred: Bless it be the fruit.

Of John: Bless it be my fruit. I’m sweating under these robes.

[ladies laughing]

Of Warren: Oh! I hate to always talk about our guy problems. But my commanding officer Warren and I are having issues.

Of Fred: Of what? What’s wrong?

Of Warren: Argh! It’s his ex. His last handmaid hung herself and he’s just not over it.

Of Fred: So, you’re saying he’s ‘hung up’ on her?

[Alex tases Of Fred]

Of Fred thinking: As I was getting tased, I was shocked at my lack of rights in this new world but stunned at how amazing I look in red.

[Of Fred smiles as she gets tased.]

[Cut to show outro]

Female voice: “Handmaids in the City.” If you’re not traumatized, you’re not watching TV.

Gospel Brunch

Deacon Mac…Chris Redd

Pervis… Kenan Thompson

Traci… Leslie Jones

Melissa Malik… Cecily Strong

Kayla Manik… Amy Schumer

[Starts with Deacon speaking]

Deacon: From Huntsville, Alabama, welcome to “Gospel Brunch, with Traci and Pervis Scott.” [Cut to a choir group in a church dancing and singing] Come on, everybody.

All: [singing] Feed the body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: Come on, raise your voices.

[singing] blessed us from his hands
left it to our mouths

Traci: Stew some butter bee
and praise him all around

Pervis: For on this day,
we take our daily bread

Pervis and Traci: We give him thanks
to keep us all well,
sing it.

All: She’s a body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: Amen.

Traci: Amen.

Pervis: Amen.

Traci: Amen.

Pervis: Amen. Alright. Praise him. Well, welcome to “Gospel Brunch” everybody. Say hello to Deacon Mac.

Deacon: Am, thank you. Blessed to be here. Blessed and hungry.

Pervis: Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.

[Pervis and Traci walk to the kitchen set]

Traci: Blesses. I’m Traci. That’s Pervis. And each week we show you how to make southern cooking with spirit.

Pervis: From fried chicken to fried okra. Alright, Deacon Mac, how’s your twin brother doing?

Deacon: Oh, not too good. He just had sex tuple bypass.

Traci: Sex tuple?

Deacon: Uh-huh. That’s six of em’. Yup. By the time they unclogged four chambers of his heart, two more got clogged right on the operation table. But he better do praise god. Amen.

Pervis: Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. Alright. Alright.

Traci: Um-um-um. Seems like there’s a new case of heart disease or diabetes every week around here.

Pervis: Well, I don’t know where it could be coming from. Well, today we’re going to be making our honey butter fried pork casserole. [They show the dish. It doesn’t look good.] And Traci’s famous four-cheese mac and cheese with bacon and potato chips.

Traci: Um, delicious! Now, let’s get to cooking. And to help us is a chef all the way from Phoenix, Ariozona.

Pervis: That’s right. She’s taken southern cooking and added an asian twist, here’s Melissa Malik.

[Melissa walks in. She is wearing chef’s dress. She brings in some food with her.]

[cheers and applause]

Pervis: Alright.

Melissa: Hello, Traci, Pervis. This is so fun.

Traci: Now, Melissa, you got something special for us.

Melissa: Um, yes, I do. Today, I’ll be making Teriyaki chicken wings.

Pervis: Oh, praise. Jesus, that sounds delicious. Let’s praise him together.

Traci: Let’s praise him.

[Pervis and Traci try to hold Melissa’s hand to praise god.]

Melissa: Guys, you know what? I would but I’m an atheist.

[Pervis and Traci looks shocked]

Pervis: Oh. Melissa Malik, everybody. Ha-ha. [Traci packs everything that belongs to Melissa] Time for you to go, Melissa. Bye, bye.

[Deacon walks in with a broom and pushes Melissa with it.]

Traci: [singing] You can’t come up in the lord’s house and say that it don’t live.

Pervis: Hah! Alright. Now, she was really nice.

Traci: Yes, she was. Too bad she couldn’t stay.

Pervis: I hear that.

Traci: Our next guest is a chef from Marietta, Georgia, who just put out her own cookbook called “Eating healthy the southern way.” Here’s Kayla Manik.

Pervis: Come on, Kayla.

[Kayla is walking in dancing.]

Traci: Praise him. Praise him. Praise him.

Pervis: What you doing over there? What was that? What was that? Girl, you got so much energy.

Kayla: Oh, yeah. That’s right. You know I do. Now tell me, who’s ready to get healthy?

Traci: I am.

Pervis: I don’t know how are we going to do that.

Kayla: Well, you can eat healthy by just making a small few changes to your diet. Okay, like, I know we all love biscuits in gravy, right? I’m not speaking out of school here. But you can’t have all that meat. All right? Well, here’s my own recipe for vegetarian biscuits and gravy. Okay, here it is looking very good.

Pervis: It looks nice.

Kayla: Thank you. Now, this is 100% no meat except for a little bit of chicken and a lot of sauce.

Pervis: Well, you need that for the flavor.

Traci: It has to taste good.

Pervis: You got to have that for the flavor. That’s for the flavor.

Kayla: That’s right. Well, you got to make it edible before we’re gonna eat it. Right? Praise him.

Choir group: [singing] Praise him.

Kayla: Oh, great. Okay. Next, a great way to eat healthy is to make a smoothie. Right? If it’s through a straw, it’s healthy. And that is a fact.

Pervis: That’s right. That is fact. That’s right.

Kayla: Okay. So, this is a healthy smoothie I made myself with my own hands on my own time. Okay? And it tastes just like pecan pie.

Traci: What? You serious?

Kayla: Any pecan fans?

[Pervis raises his hand]

Pervis: Right here.

Kayla: I’m thinking of you, Pervis.

Traci: You can’t be serious.

Kayla: Yes, I am. I promise y’all. You just blend up some ice, some low fat milk. Okay, the banana, cinnamon– And you know what? Just a little a whole pecan pie.

Pervis: Oh, that’s how it’s gonna taste like pecan pie.

Traci: That’s how it’s gonna taste.

Pervis: Yeah, you just blend all that up. That’s nice. Oh, be careful though.

Kayla: Here you go. Here you go.

Pervis: That’s wonderful. Alright, well, praise him!

Traci: Praise the lord.

Kayla: The lord doesn’t always work, and that’s fine.

Pervis: That’s alright.

Traci: That’s– well, I know that.

Kayla: You’ll have to trust me. This is delicious.

Pervis: I believe you. This is sort of a miracle.

Traci: It’s a show miracle. Now, you got more healthy tips for us.

Kayla: You know I do.

Traci: But before we get into that, we gonna take a moment to acknowledge the friends who passed from heart disease, diabetes and sugar foot.

Pervis: It is such a shame I don’t know why this keeps happening. Must be something in the water. Well, this song is for you.

Pervis and Traci: [singing] Ummm…
butter, salt, pepper and mayonnaise
stuff it in cheese
put it all in a turkey for Jesus
a turkey for Jesus
living in peace

Pervis: Oh, man. Thank you so much, Traci. Why don’t we go to commercial. When we come back, we’ll get to cooking. Come on, y’all.

Traci: Ay!

All: [singing] Feed the body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: When we come back, we gonna show y’all how to add a little flavor to your salad with salt and just a little bit of–

[The End]